01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: In the UK today,

one in five people
have a dispute with their neighbour.

I am working from home!

These escalate...
He threw the first one!

..turning quiet cul-de-sacs...
Shut up!

Argh!
..into w*r zones.

And Victorian terraces...

These lights need to be
taken down this year!

..into battle grounds.
This is Deep Fake Neighbour Wars.

We begin in Catford, South London,
where Idris Elba,

a handyman, barman, mobile phone
repairer, car detailer, chef,

delivery driver and DJ,

had lived peacefully in this
ground-floor flat for over 20 years.

I'd loved it here.

I just do my thing and normally,
I get on with everyone.

My flat had this communal garden
that no-one ever used,

had it all to myself.
Kept it nice and tidy, I did.

Herbs for my own cooking.

Roses. I make perfume with water
and the rose petals, I do.

It's beautiful, sell it on Etsy.
Ooh, mind out.

Lovely.

Compost area.

Everything in the garden
had its place

and it was just like a simple order
to things that, you know, just...

It just made it work
as a garden, right?

But then Idris started noticing

there was an intruder
to the communal garden.

I come out to check on my Brassicas,

which is not an easy plant
to get right, I'll have you know.

As I come out, I see four towels
hanging off the pergola.

They've been there all night,
and then, two days later,

there was a paddling pool
right over there,

which left a big yellow patch
on the grass,

which old muggins here
had to sort out.

Not easy, I'll have you know.

And then, one morning,
I got the shock of my life

when I saw an intruder just lying
here in a bikini on a sun lounger.

I mean,
who starts sunbathing at 9am?

She was right here, right here.
And she was hogging the whole garden

until, like, 2pm.

The woman Idris had mistaken
for an intruder

was, in fact, his new neighbour,
bus driver Kim Kardashian,

who had recently moved in
to the first-floor flat.

When you've come from
a background like mine,

a high-rise in Kentish Town,

having a garden you can call
your own is such a huge blessing.

I couldn't wait to get
my family around for a barbecue.

South East London was a long-held
dream for bus driver Kim,

and there was
one bus route in particular

which held the key to her happiness.

Everyone wants the 828 route.
It's so scenic.

It actually drives past my house.

My last route was
the least interesting to look at.

So I got off my a*s and I worked.

And finally, they gave me the 828.

But for bus driver Kim, that
blessing soon turned into a curse

when her downstairs neighbour,
Idris Elba, confronted her.

Well, I was just lying here
in the communal garden

and he made me feel like
an intruder.

I mean, this is a communal garden

and I had just as much right
to be here as him.

CREW: Idris told us
you were out here all day.

I was, but I didn't plan to be.
But his attitude sucked.

So I decided to make a stand.

Coming up... Kim Kardashian
tries to get over things.

Do I look like a hurdle-ist?
I am not a hurdle-ist.

From the capital city and Catford,

to the Essex Estuary,
Southend-on-Sea.

Home to Adventure Island and
the world's longest pleasure pier.

Single mother Greta Thunberg

left behind her snowy home
in Kiruna, Sweden,

and made a dream move
to Southend-on-Sea

to raise her newborn son.

It has always been
one of my hopes and dreams

for my son, Algae, to grow up here,
away from the long Swedish winters.

Here, you have your chips and fish

and your tiny castles made of sand
by the hands of children.

But Greta was shocked when she
discovered she'd left behind

one winter wonderland and moved
right next door to another.

SHE SOOTHES BABY

The first morning I come down
my nice, quiet street...

..the house was covered
in Christmas tat!

I thought,
"It is in the middle of July."

I check my calendar
to see if I've gone bonkers.

But when the sun went down,
things got worse.

TINNY FESTIVE MUSIC

It was unforgiveable.

All night long, the neighbours'
little Santy Clauses would sing,

"Blah-blah-blah,
blah-blah-blah," all lit up.

FESTIVE MUSIC CONTINUES

Upstairs in the nursery, little
Algae would be trying to sleep

in the Sniggler,
but night after night,

the light and the noises
would force their way

through the Viligenborden and he
would cry his little Swedish tears.

BABY CRYING

These people
were stealing his childhood.

Then, two days after I move in,

this Christmas card
comes through the front door.

The card was from neighbours
Conor McGregor and Ariana Grande.

"Dear neighbour, season's greetings,
we promise we are not mad."

I did nothing to make them mad!

Already,
they're accusing me of nothing.

"You must come over

"for a traditional
English Christmas dinner.

"There will be no Swedish meatballs,

"but I'm sure
we can wrestle up a swede."

So now they're threatening
physical violence.

And then they call me a h*,
three times.

"h*, h*, h*."

It felt like an attack.

I had no choice but to fight back
with a letter of my own.

Coming up, Greta fights back
with a letter of her own,

and Conor McGregor and Ariana Grande
give their side of the story -

and it's "snow" joke.

Three, two, one, snow!

LAUGHTER

Back in Catford,
Idris Elba was having trouble

sharing the communal garden

with his new neighbour,
Kim Kardashian.

Look, I didn't have an issue with
Kim using the garden, all right?

It was just she was
using it too much,

and I didn't like
how she was using it.

Have a listen, look. Er,
there was a three-hour sunbathe...

HE MUMBLES
..Kisstory on loud.

And, er, a 45-minute phone call -
on speaker!

Yoga, yoga, yoga, yoga, yoga...

A fair bit of bloody yoga as well.

Oh, here's the main one,
here's the main one.

A rotary washing line
would appear randomly, randomly!

I mean, what the...?
The noise it made, the squeak.

It just went right through me.

METALLIC SQUEAKING

And if there's one thing
that someone from Catford knows,

it's when they're being mugged off.

And I... I did feel like
I was being mugged off, you know.

CREW: So, Kim,
you'd actually noticed

Idris logging your garden's usage?

Yeah, I filmed him doing it
as proof.

What the...? Is he...?
Oh, my God!

I mean, who does that?

Who acts like that?

Hey! Yeah, you! I see you!

I really started
to regret my move to South East,

I miss North West.

But for Kim,
the spying was just the start,

as she began to suspect
Idris was removing her things

from the communal garden.

So, this is how I access
the communal garden,

I open the gate
and I walk down this side path.

Anything I placed there in the
garden was removed immediately.

Sun loungers, rotary washing line,
full laundry baskets, all gone.

Then he'd place them here,

with his garden hose and wheelbarrow

and Flymo,
making it super impossible

for me to access the garden.

I mean, have you ever
tried to step over a Flymo?

SHE SCOFFS

It's harder
than breaking the internet.

I merely left a few items in her
way just to see how she'd like it.

I was constantly stepping over
and jumping over things, like this.

He denied it, of course,
but it was daily.

And the stress
was really getting to me.

My hair was noticeably less shiny.

One time, I had to jump eight
things. Do I look like a hurdle-ist?

I am not a hurdle-ist.

But despite Kim's claims,
Idris believed he was the victim.

Do you ever feel like
you're being watched? Well, I was.

She had installed CCTV cameras,
one up there and one in the garden.

HE HUFFS
I tell you what,

Alan Titchmarsh never had to
put up with any of this sh*t.

Coming up,
Kim is driven to breaking point.

And in Southend-on-Sea,
things take a shocking turn.

Back in sunny Southend-on-Sea,
single mum Greta Thunberg

had moved here from North Sweden
to escape the never-ending winters.

But her neighbours had other ideas.

Meet florist Conor McGregor and
his wife, scaffolder Ariana Grande.

Me and Ari have been living here
going on donkey's years.

Yeah.
You gotta live somewhere warm

when you're up at the crack of dawn
every morning,

trimming the petunias.
HE CHUCKLES

So, like, this one year,

Conor refused to take down
the Christmas lights.

Don't look at me,
you're the scaffolder!

And there was, like,
this stand-off between us...

Yeah.
..and it went on for a while,

and then it got to the point

where it actually got closer
to the next Christmas.

See, if we were taking
the lights down in August,

we'd only be putting them back up
four months later,

so at the end of the day,
you know, it's all about timing.

Timing is key, that's fundamental.
Do you know what I mean, so...

But then the neighbours started
bringing their kids over

in the summer to see the lights,
and then we became...

BOTH: The Christmas house!
CONOR CHUCKLES

FESTIVE MUSIC

The people liked it,
do you know what I mean?

So I thought to myself, "Feck it,
let's put it up all year round

"to celebrate the birth
of baby Jesus."

And you know me and Jesus
are cool, so...

And then Conor got the snow machine.

Ari, baby, are you recording this?
Yeah.

All right. Three, two, one, snow!

HE LAUGHS

Ah, babe, I'm after making
a snow-beard on him, look.

Have a look at this.
It's deadly, isn't it?

But two days later,
we got this letter from the council.

"Southend Borough Council
acknowledges your religious right

"to celebrate Christmas, but we ask
that you limit your lawn display

"to no more than
two singing Santa Clauses

"and to switch them off
between the hours of 10pm and 8am."

We were getting shut down.

I just wanna say to the fans of our
house, who have been so supportive

and dedicated and loving
and genuine and passionate...

sorry.

So we got rid of
the singing Santy Clauses...

But we added a nativity scene.
HE CHUCKLES

GRETA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY

Unsatisfied with the council's
response, Greta went public,

airing her grievances
on a local Facebook community page.

SHE RANTS
IN HER OWN LANGUAGE

This is all wrong.

These lights at night, they attract
the moths, which attract birds,

which attract foxes,
which are disgusting

when they're waking me up at 1am
with their aggressive fox sex!

These lights need to be taken down
this year, not next year,

not 2050 or something.

Who else is with me on this?

SHE RANTS
IN OWN LANGUAGE

Ah, would she ever stop?!
No.

It's all a bit of fun.
Do you know what I mean?

It makes no difference to her
whatsoever. No.

It's absolutely ridiculous.
Yeah.

Despite the post on the local
community Facebook page,

Greta's cry for help fell on deaf
ears and Christmas just kept coming.

The following day,
I came to the front door

to shoo away the sex foxes,
and there's a glass of milk,

a mince pie and two carrots
on my front porch.

I had no choice but to retaliate.
There was so much at stake.

But what Greta did next
left Conor and Ariana speechless.

SHE MURMURS

The snowmen.

So sad.

The inflatables.

And that.

SHE MURMURS
I'm not an aggressive man.

But I draw the line
at desecrating the baby Jesus.

I always say be happy with being
you, love everybody's flaws,

but... who the f*ck
goes after a f*cking reindeer?!

Coming up,
shocking scenes in Southend-on-Sea.

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

Back in Catford, Kim Kardashian's
feud with her neighbour Idris Elba

had become so fractious she began
monitoring him with CCTV cameras.

I was just so super shocked
at what he was doing,

so I installed the home surveillance
app to monitor his movements.

Anything happens,
it gets sent straight to my phone.

I was on my usual bus route,
I'd be driving past my house soon,

I pulled up to regulate the service,

and suddenly I get a notification
on my phone

from the home surveillance app.

I could clearly see him
fitting the padlock.

So in my mind, he was clearly
blocking me from my rightful access.

But then... he went way too far.

Idris collected
all of Kim's garden belongings...

What?

..and threw them
over the newly-locked gate.

Kim's response
put her job on the line.

Big bus comes round the corner,
screaming down the road.

Skids right in here, yeah?

BRAKES SCREECH

Hops out the bus... And I tell you
what, she weren't happy.

Kim had driven her bus full of
passengers straight to her property,

missing three scheduled stops
to confront Idris.

Her home CCTV,
and the passengers on the bus,

captured these shocking scenes.

Kim discovered Idris in the garden

and attacked him
with potted seedlings.

The fight spilled out onto the
street and soon took a nasty turn.

Not the petunias! Oi, Kim,
watch out! That's coriander!

Oi, Kim, watch out!
That's coriander! Stop!

'Petunias! Oi, Kim, watch out!
That's coriander! Stop!'

SHE EXHALES

Breaking the internet really made us
take a hard look at our behaviour.

Neither of us
are proud of ourselves.

I had to confess
some difficult truths.

I admit I did move
some of Kim's things.

I'm sorry about that, yeah?

And I learned to appreciate just how
much Idris had put into the garden,

and maybe I was not always
respectful of that.

Idris was a character witness for me
at my work disciplinary

and I was literally so grateful
for him doing that.

And we came up with a way
to enjoy the garden

that we're both happy with.

And so Kim can now enjoy her music,
and her paddling pool.

Show 'em.
MUSIC PLAYING

Whilst Idris
still enjoys his plants...

Watered!
..in peace and quiet.

I can't hear a thing.
HE CHUCKLES

Back in Southend-on-Sea,
Greta Thunberg was locked

in a very public dispute
with her neighbours

Conor McGregor and Ariana Grande

over their all-year-round
Christmas decorations.

And after damage
being done to property,

things took a shocking turn.

So, like, the doorbell goes at 2am,
seven rings.

I didn't even hear the bell,
I was out for the count.

It was the ambulance people,
and they were loading Greta

into the ambulance
and we were like, "What?"

And they were like,
"Did you see anything?"

And we were like,
"No. Thank you, next."

And then we remembered the camera.
Yeah.

What the couple saw next
changed everything.

After I was electrocuted,
I remember being very cold.

In a place without love
or happiness, just darkness.

I thought my time was up.

We had no idea
we were overloading the power cable.

Conor and Ariana were ordered to
take down all Christmas decorations,

despite a petition
in the local community.

It stings, you know? It does sting.
Yeah.

I just like to have fun, you know?

That's all this was ever
meant to be, you know?

So... I don't know, me, yeah.

Yeah.

All I ever wanted
was to be listened to.

For them to feel a sense of urgency.

Now Algae and I can live in peace.

Sh-sh-sh.

From the bottom of our hearts,

we'd like to take this chance
to apologise. We had a little think

and we realised the council said
no more Christmas decorations.

But they said
nothing about Halloween.

HE LAUGHS

Rargh! We apologise
to absolutely f*cking nobody.

Two weeks after filming concluded,

Greta and baby Algae
left Southend-on-Sea

and returned to the relative comfort
of the long, hard Swedish winters.

Next time
on Deep Fake Neighbour Wars...

Single mother Rihanna
is the victim of theft.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge
goes apple crazy.

Get out of my way! Ugh!

And Adele's personal property
is under attack.

And me awning is covered in...
Now, excuse my language.

..excrement.