01x07 - Sword of Righteousness

[bunniefuu]

We join Earthworm Jim and his faithful

sidekick Peter Puppy at the mercy of

Evil the Cat. Now,

Earthworm Jim, in a supreme act of

dramatic irony, I will destroy you with

your own suit, says you

pointy head. Peter, the remote control.

The other remote control. Oh,

this is going to smart.

Okay, Peter, you can stop now. This is

fun, Jim!

That's enough senseless violence for one

day, little buddy.

UghHa-ha!

Once again, the muffins of villainy are

baked by-- Hey, what are these buttonsfor?

ohh That'll be a ten on the whoops scale.

Earthworm Jim The soil he did crawl

Earthworm Jim A super, super fall Jim was

just a dirt eating chewy length of worm

flesh But all that came to a crash again

Earthworm Jim He's such a groovy guy

Earthworm Jim He rockets through the sky

Groovy through the universe, having lots

of fun Here comes Earthworm Jim, you know

that he's a mighty one

Despite his great big muscles And his

really big gray g*n Jim is still an

earthworm But then he's the only one With

a super suit to make him really super

strong Jim can be a winner if we only

sing about right Earthworm Jim We think

he's mighty fine Earthworm Jim A hero

for all time Earthworm, earthworm,

earthworm, earthworm JimOh, wait,

four days Groovy! Uh-ha!

Would you pick up the shallots for the

coquille Saint-Jacques-Novel Jim?That

won't be necessary, Peter. They've got

a new vending machine at the general

store with...

Sandwiches.

Mmm. I love vending machine

food. All those little chefs making

sandwiches, wrapping them up tight, and

sending them off. Kitchen fresh to the

vending machines. Yum.

Delicious! Fast if eaten by June 14th,



What the heck?Hey! A

big knife!

I am the sword of righteousness. For

centuries have I awaited a champion.

Mighty enough to learn my secrets. You

are the champion, Earthworm Jim.

Gosh, how did you know my name, Mr. Big

Knife?Sword. I'm an enchanted

sword. Look, it says right on my handle.

Enchanted. Come on. With my power,

you shall become the greatest hero of

all. I'm well,

OK. But this better not turn out like the

time I found a magic staple in my

coleslaw. It wasn't magic, Jim. The

waiter just said that to shut you up. No!

And now, to the training

place.

Ohh

Where?Where are we?

We are deep in the bowels of the

Jungle of Justice. Bowels you

and now. Let the training

begin.

Well, I finished doing the dishes,

regrouting the bathtub, and cleaning out

the stables of the 12 incontinent bulls.

Tell me, oh wise sword of righteousness,

were these menial tasks meant to teach me

humility?No, they just needed to be done.

I wasn't going to do it. Anyway, now the

time has come for you to master the

powers of the sword.

Groovy. Let's rock!

Whoa. Talk about deforestation.

Your stupid mind. Stupid. I

meant magic powers, not just hacking and

slashing. Now sit down and listen up.

Oh, sorry. Teach me of your magic, oh

sharp-edged one. First, you shall

learn the voice of dread.

Which can strike fear into the hearts of

evil doers. I shall demonstrate.

Fear me, oh

tree.

Now you try it.

OK, need a little work. Now

you shall learn the Eye of

Truth. with which you can force

anyone to admit their darkest secrets

merely by staring at them.

HmmUh-ha! Oh, Peter. Yes,

Jim?

Why are you staring at me like that?

Oh, oh, oh, oh! A staring contest,

huhYou're on!

When I was young, I went the burrow!

Um, thanks for sharing. You

stink at this magic power stuff, you

know. Now, you shall learn the portal of

time. I can slash holes through the

fabric of time, taking you to any period

in history. Double plus, Groovy.

OK, OK, OK, Peter, stare at the penny and

watch Lincoln's face change.

Four is scoring seven years ago.

And that's a big goodbye to my

credibility.

Did it change, little buddy?Where y'all

being now, earthworm Bubba?

I think the training's going quite well.

I mean, apart from changing the course of

history. Listen to me. You are going to

put Lincoln's beard back, and

then no more time travel for you, young

worm. Meanwhile, ominous deeds are

afoot on the far-off planet of easily

frightened people.

Uh, a pro! Uh, a rock!

I love this planet. Uh, a b*mb!

Uh, air! At last, it is mine and

whatnot. The mightiest object in the

universe. The orb of

quite remarkable power. Let

me see here. Something

green! Uh Something

not green! Uh

Mm-hmmOh, good pictures. Good. See that

way you don't have to-- Uh-huhAll right,

yeah, we can do this. Concentrate, and

the orb's energy will take on the form

of your thoughts.

Uh A big flowing malice!

Ah, ain't that nice?With

this orb, I will finally

destroy my arch-nemesis,

Outworld Jim.

Big me. Am I evil or what?

So tell me, why do you feel like 2 minds

trapped in one body?Are you blind?I've

got a... I was talking to the monkey.

Oh, terribly sorry.

I see. Indeed. You

know, I believe you could benefit from

group therapy.

Professor Monkey for a head. I'd like you

to meet the other members of the group.

Senator Warthog for a head. Dr.

Elephant for a head. And of course,

cab driver oyster for a hen. Yeah, I'm

sorry, but you guys got much worse

problems than me. You both have a

great deal of pent-up rage.

Using these padded bats, you can work out

your aggressions without hurting each

other. Well, I don't know.

All right, I'll try it. Will you stop

badgering me?

I see.

You know, perhaps a more practical

solution is in order. There you

go. All better. You're ready to resume

your place as a useful member of

society. Thanks, Doc.

And now back to Earthworm

Jim.

Wow, Jim, you look

like a complete Goomba. Thought so. You

mock me. Do not mock me. This is the

only proper costume for a true hero.

You're a true Goomba. Your training

is now. Complete. Groovy,

I'm ready to do some hero stuff. All we

need is a hideous menace to fight. I

worm chip. I shall destroy

you and whatnot. Whoa,

handy.

That's no way to start a climactic battle

between the forces of good and evil.

Wrong! This is not how a hero fights. Now

give him back his orb and follow my

instructions.

Whatever you say, boss. Mind if we take

that again?Ow. I suppose that will

be all right.

Why didn't you move?I was waiting

for your instructions. Oh, right. I knew

that. OK. Use the voice of

dread.

I gotta say, Jimbo, I like this new train

of yours. Now, Jim, close your

eyes. What?close your eyes

and follow your heroic instincts. Well,

OK.

Whoa!

You know, after a few days in

space, some people see strange things,

but not me, pal. Yeah!

Like, uh, just now, for instance. I

definitely did not see a big worm.

Hopping out here in space, no searching.

Ohh Can I

open my eyes now?Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I think that'd be wise.

Now, Jim, exploit his weaknesses.

Summon the warrior within. Feel the burn.

Destroy him with his own evil. Lead with

your right. I mean your left. Your left.

You are going down like Jacques Cousteau.

Good night, sweet Prince. In flights of

angels, sing thee to thy rest.

Well, now here's an unusual situation.

Hello there. You'll be confident to know

that I'm going to destroy the earth, so

you won't be meeting your maker alone.

What are you going to do?Picnic us to

death?It is not I

who will do the picnicking. I go

now to destroy the earth. Of

course, this picnic will lure that

scourge of the jungle, the k*ller ants.

They can strip the flesh from your bones

in seconds. Good thing worms don't have

bones. Wait, that won't really

help, will it?Will Jim and Peter be

devoured by the k*ller ants?Will Psychro

destroy the Earth?Will the US ever adopt

the metric system?I think not. Stay tuned

to find out.

Um, could you maybe cut through these

ropes?You wouldn't be in this mess if

you'd followed my orders. Don't come

crying to me now. No sweat.

Peter will shred these robes. He always

turns into a monster whenever he's hurt

or scared. I'm not scared, Jim.

Somehow I find the certainty of doom

oddly comforting. Oh,

g*y. Though it appalls me, I

must hurt my little buddy.

You have somewhat poor

taste in clothes. Your singing voice is

thin and reedy, and and you

smell funny when you're wet.

You were just saying all that to make me

transform, right?

Of course, my canine confrere, although

you do smell a little funny when you're

wet.

Say, Clamp, appears to be another

old them marauding aliens.

Now, why do you suppose they always

pick on our humble little town?

Down now. Maybe I shouldn't have painted

graffiti on that space probe back when I

worked for NASA.

Check me out! I am

so evil!

I am the evilest! I

am the evilest! Woo-hoo!

Okay. This time I'll do exactly what you

say. Good. Now use the

Eye of Truth.

All right, feathered infidel, confess

your darkest secrets. What are you

staring at?I mean, besides the guy who's

about to mash you in the jelly.

Ohh

You know, this could be going better.

Fight better, you idiot! I want to win

for once! For once?You

mean you've never won a fight?

Well, I... No, not actually

won. Oh, in that case...

I bossente!

A sword! From now on,

I'll handle this the Earthworm Jim way.

Yes! Bravo! Ha ha!

Villainous bean! Face the awesome might

of-- Ooh

Okay, I'll do this the

other Earthworm Jim way. Less talking

and more mindless mayhem. Eat darts, evil

banana suited

stupid! A

hamburger?Oh, hey, sorry.

I was just thinking about lunch. Oh,

quite all right.

Nice try, but this time I glued it to

my head. See. Clever.

Let's just see how strong that glue is.

Dang it. I'll

be back in two shakes.

I gotcha!

We must close our eyes and

concentrate. Yes,

yesUmm I see a

tall, dark stranger in a

yellow spacesuit. And a big

worm with a ray g*n?The

heck?Sorry, dear, this thing

seems to be picking up some fabulously

entertaining cartoon.

And all this time I thought I was afraud.

You are mine again, oh mighty

orb! Surprise!

You're going to hit me really hard now,

aren't you?Yep.

Way to go, Jim! You beat the bad guy,

and you learned a valuable pro-social

lesson. Always do things your own way,

and never follow the dictates of others.

That's great, little buddy. Now clean up

this mess. Right away, boss.

I have been trapped in that orb for

eons, forced to do the bidding of

others. But now the warmth of your

butt has freed me. I

shall fulfill my destiny and bring an

era of perfect harmony to the

universe. Check it out, Peter. All

because of my buttOf

course, harmony is really overrated.