23x13 - The Fat Lotus

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪

It's awful. Just awful.

I got these for free and I
put in prescription lenses.

Okay, let's go crowd the gate
even though we're in group "R."

["ON A COCOANUT ISLAND"
BY LOUIS ARMSTRONG PLAYS]

♪ On a coconut island ♪

♪ I'd like to be a castaway with you ♪

♪ On a coconut island ♪

♪ There wouldn't be... ♪

Man, Bermuda is beautiful, isn't it?

You bet. And now I can
cross another place off

my "Kokomo" bucket list.

- What's that?
- Oh, I sort of use

the lyrics to "Kokomo"
as my life's itinerary.

I don't have a travel
agent, I just have "Kokomo."

Mm, I do recall your
trips to Aruba and Montego.

Yep, and now Bermuda.

Uh, I did Benihana.

- It's not "Benihana".
- Sure is.

It's the cheapest one, honestly.

Boy, I can't wait till we
can finally go to Kokomo.

Kokomo isn't real, Joe.

It's a common misconception.

If you go to all the
others, you unlock Kokomo.

Only thing about Kokomo, though,

is you can check out any time you like,

but you can never leave.

That's something else entirely.

♪

Welcome to The White Lotus Bermuda.

Named after the sports
car, not the flower.

Wow, Brian, you look so
handsome in that suit.

And I can't believe they
already promoted you to manager.

Honestly, Lois, working here

has been just the change I needed.

I made the choice to sober up
and start a new, clean life.

Me and Jeffrey can't believe

we's finally in the
"Bermuda Guy-Angle,"

where we hear lots of handsome men

have mysteriously gone
down over the years.

[LAUGHS] This is already a good trip.

For a grand a night, that
should really be an iPad.

♪

Wow, look at this room.

And what a beautiful painting.

Ah, yes, by a talented local artist.

It depicts the legend of a fat husband

who ignored his wife,
so she beheaded him

and had sex with his best friend,

who was a regional airline pilot.

Man, I just don't get art.

Yeah, great, can we just get to my room?

I've been holding in
a dump since America.

Look at us, Peter. Huh?

Finally on a romantic vacation together.

[GASPS] Oh, you know what?

Let's have crazy vacation sex,
right here, right now. [LAUGHS]

Eh, I don't know, maybe later.

I mean, you know my kryptonite

is drapes that can open by a button.

Pick your poison, Lois. Just
the sheers? Full blackout?

Or... Uh, I think I broke it.

Oh, forget it. I'll be at the pool.

Okay, I'll meet you down there.

I need 20 minutes for those red lines

from my socks to smooth out.

♪

Oh, Brian, I'm so glad you're here.

I never do this, but one
of the bellhops yelled at me

when I was playing on the baggage cart,

and I want him fired.

Stewie, he has three children.

Yeah, again, I never do this.

Why are you dressed like that?

Oh, when I go on vacation,
I like to spice things up

by adopting a "travel persona"
named "Desmond Voyáge."

Oh, and one other teensy thing:

I actually specifically
requested an ocean-view room.

You have an ocean-view room.

Eh, technically, I'm looking out

- onto a bay.
- It's water.

Yeah, a bay is actually a
curvature in the shoreline

that creates an inlet.

I don't want to have
to look at any land.

[GROANS]

Oh, hey there.

We's just gonna scooch in next to you,

but sorry if we get loud.

We's just settling an argument

about what the deal is
with Hilaria Baldwin.

I'll tell you her deal.
She's a woman from Boston

named Hillary Hayward-Thomas,

who, on her first
date with Alec Baldwin,

probably said "por favor"
to a waiter to seem exotic,

and has been cosplaying
as a Latina ever since.

Mmm, I like you. What's your name?

Unless you don't wanna say
'cause it's boring and ordinary.

Desmond Voyáge.

[ALL] Ooh.

Desmond, would you join
me, Jeffrey and Dennis

for dinner tonight?

Well, that depends on the
menu, because I'm gluten-free.

Not medically, just for the drama.

[ALL] Ooh.

♪

Come on, Chris, the drinking
age in Bermuda is only 18,

so I want to buy some rum to pound

so I can get totally blitzed.

It honestly makes me sad

you feel the need to show
off to your own brother.

♪

Oh, my God. I must have this.

What? Some lame, touristy T-shirt?

Meg, according to high school law,

vacation shirts equal status,

and Neil Goldman has been
rubbing "Señor Frog's Cancún"

in my face for far too long.

Fine, we'll get the
rum and the T-shirt.

That'll be $90.

$90?

How much for just the shirt?

$40.

How much for... nothing?

That's five dollars.

[ANNOUNCER] Hotels.
What are you gonna do,

take a cab to a pharmacy?

♪

Oh, my God, I can't wait to
see St. David's Lighthouse.

I know.

What are we gonna do
at a stupid lighthouse?

Wake me when it's a Roadhouse.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Peter, you're driving.

Sorry.

Holy crap. Did you guys see that?

"World's Best Cheesecake."

In Bermuda? [SCOFFS]

Peter, there's no way that's true.

Yeah, I don't know, Lois.
Who am I gonna listen to,

my wife or a sign on
the side of the highway?

Damn it, Peter, I will not let you

ruin another trip for me.

Come on, Glenn, let's
go see that lighthouse.

Fine, go.

Taxi!

♪

Good afternoon, sir.

May I interest you...

Sorry, I'm from the United States,

so I'm scared to talk
to anyone from the island

who doesn't work at the resort.

♪

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Front Desk, this is Brian.

Yes, I'd like to request
a wake-up call for tomorrow

even though every human on Earth

now has an alarm clock in their pocket.

Oh, hey, Stewie. Sorry
again about the mix-up

with your room, but
I hope you're enjoying

the apology fruit platter I sent up.

Eh, it's mostly honeydew,

and not a berry to be
found on the whole plate.

What do you mean? There's strawberries.

Mmm, not technically a berry.

It's actually an
aggregate accessory fruit.

It's got the word "berry" in the name.

Doesn't make it a berry. It's
also got the word "straw,"

but I'm not sipping my drink through it.

So, now I'm sitting
here, staring at a bay

with a plate of
aggregate accessory fruit

and wondering how you
plan to make this up to me.

Oh, hey, Peter. How's the trip going?

Awesome, Brian. Not
only did I manage to find

the "World's Best Cheesecake,"

I even brought back an extra piece.

Hey, I saw Lois and Quagmire

have been posting a ton
of stuff on Instagram.

Seems like they had quite a day.

Does... does this bother you at all?

No way. I'm doing
vacation exactly right.

Some idiot's takin' my wife

to all the boring places
I don't want to go.

Meanwhile, I'm at the
hotel, just eating cheesecake

and ordering more towels.

Hey, can I get more towels to Room 412?

♪

Hmm, I think I'll get the salmon.

The salmon, huh?

I think that's a great idea.

[LAUGHS] Oh, my God. What is that?

It's a Christmas ornament I
got at the lighthouse gift shop.

Oh, I just love small things

that remind me of big things I've seen.

[SLURPS]

Settle down.

Another Oreo cookie
milkshake with vodka in it.

You know, I'm feeling a
little hot in these pants.

I may just go upstairs real quick

to change into a sarong.

Huh. I feel like I'd also
like to slip into my sarong.

Sarong run?

You okay with them spending
so much time together?

Yeah, no one in the history of the world

has ever gone on a sarong run.

Relax, it's fine.

And no amount of ominous waves

crashing onto a rocky shore

are gonna change my mind.

♪

Now, Rupert, we mustn't
let our new friends

see that we are anything but
adults, just like they are.

So, Desmond, what did you do today?

Oh, I spent most of the
day in the business center,

- as adults do.
- Really?

Yes, they're running an
Epson ET-5180 in there.

Not my preferred choice, but, you know,

thing jammed and I didn't even cry.

No tantrum. Just kept
on doing my business.

You guys, let's totally
do credit card roulette

to see who pays for dinner.

- Right? - Yeah.
- I love it.

Oh, indeed. H-h-here.
Here. Here's mine.

This is a Peppa Pig bookmark.

No. No, they let you
customize the credit card.

I almost went with the Montreal Expos.

They're not a team anymore.

Yeah, I'm a big nostalgia guy.

Ah, there you are, Stew...
I mean, um, Mr. Voyáge.

With apologies for the
earlier fruit plate,

please accept this
complimentary seafood tower.

Great, now could you
bring us another one

that you haven't talked all over?

And I'd say this is less a seafood tower

than it is a seafood duplex.

[GIGGLING]

Perhaps you'd prefer
a complimentary bottle

of our finest Riesling?

Oh, that's sweet.

It's the least we could do.

No, I'm talking about the Riesling.

I didn't realize this was a
bachelorette party in Nashville.

Just bring back another seafood tower

and the score of the Expos game.

That... was amazing.

Desmond, you absolutely have

to join us on our yacht tomorrow.

Yacht? I say, that sounds lovely.

Yay!

We's gonna sail to and then hike up

a volcano called "The Purple Head."

That's right. We's
gonna start at the base

and then work our way to the tip.

You've got to be careful, though,

because The Purple
Head's been known to erupt

when you least expect it.

I even heard it's created
the world's biggest ash-hole.

I'm gonna join this table.

Peter, it seems like it's been a while

since Quagmire and Lois went upstairs.

Yeah, fine, I'll go check on 'em.

♪

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

And I gotta clean it all up.

Yes, this is Room 412.

Can I have some more towels, please?

♪

Meg, look. It's that shirt.

Oh, God, I want it so bad.

You know, there is one
way for me to get that rum

and for you to get that T-shirt.

We could always shoplift 'em.

Shoplift? Who do I look like,

celebrity film critic Rex Reed?

Convicted k*ller Robert Durst?

Journeyman quarterback Jameis Winston?

Okay, I'm not exactly sure
what this is, but... yeah.

♪

Hmm, okay.

- I'm not sure how we...
- Relax, I got this.

Go into a changing room,
put the rum in your backpack.

Meanwhile, I'll go into
another changing room,

put the shirt on, then casually walk out

like I came in wearing it.

Okay. Got it.

What are you doing?

- Run! Run! I messed up!
- Aah!

♪

Desmond, you made it.

Yes, I'm sorry I'm late.

I was in the business
center helping Mr. Takahashi

log into his United account.

Do you know he's 75?

I have no idea who you're talking about.

All right, now could someone please

help me onto the boat like a woman?

Yes, there you are,

just guide me by my wrist and elbow.

- So, heading up the volcano again?
- Yep.

And just like every year,

when we reach the top,

we're all going to make a sacrifice.

[GASPS] Sacrifice?

Well, no wonder they've
been so nice to me, Rupert.

They're going to make a
sacrifice to the volcano,

and I'm the only virgin on this boat.

No, no, no, I don't
care if you found Jesus.

What happened before still counts.

♪

Caught shoplifting booze and a T-shirt?

What were you guys thinking?

I'm sorry, Brian. I-I was just trying

to keep up with Neil Goldman.

Oh, yeah, that "Señor
Frog's Cancún" shirt?

Oh, yeah, no, that thing's badass.

But, Meg, it says here
you not only stole rum,

but also two tiny novelty license plates

that say "Mel" and "Greg"?

I was gonna cut 'em in half

and solder 'em together to spell "Meg".

There's no way people are
still naming their kids "Mel."

Like, name one "Mel" under 50.

I think we're getting off track.

I'm just saying, you can
stop printing the Mels.

- We don't print them.
- Okay, then you can

stop ordering the Mels.

♪

[QUAGMIRE] Hey, Lois,

open wide.

Glenn, I want you to take my cherry.

Yeah, I'll take your cherry.

You want my crust?

Ew, no. No, I mean, I like crust,

but don't... Ugh...
don't say it like that.

[CRYING]

♪

[PHONE RINGING]

- This is Brian.
- Brian, this is a resort executive

in a heavily-embroidered,
open-collar shirt.

We've gotten several complaints
from a very important guest,

Desmond Voyáge,
including the fact that,

"the in-room movie selections
don't include Michael Clayton,

despite there clearly
being a still image of it

on the home screen."

Frickin' Stewie.

He says, for him, "falling
asleep to George Clooney

shouting about toxic agrochemicals

scratches a very specific itch."

Yep, I'll handle it. Thanks.

[SIGHS]

♪

Ah, I've missed you, captain.

And I've missed you, Brett.

It's... it's Brian.

Oh, sorry, I...

I guess I'm always super
wasted when we hang out.

♪

Hey, so, this seems far enough, right?

Like, I'll bet if we turn around now,

we can still get back in time

to make fun of the cabana waitress

with the lopsided boob job, heh?

Damn it, Rupert, we're
running out of ti...

[GASPS] I've got a signal.
I've got to call Brian.

- Hello?
- Brian, help!

I'm hiking to the top of a volcano

where I'm going to be thrown
to my death as a sacrifice.

Screw you, Stewie!

You've turned my job
into a total nightmare.

Hey, you-you think a
novel set inside a mushroom

would be a good idea?

Except-except you wouldn't
know it's a mushroom

until the very last page.

I'd call it Mushroom Surprise.

Well, that kind of gives it away.

No, no, 'cause in the story,

that-that's the guy's favorite soup,

so, like, that's what
you'd think it means.

Honestly, I don't get
the whole soup angle.

It seems needlessly confusing.

You don't know! You always
think you're better than me.

Well, you're not.

In fact, I've met a ton
of celebrities at this job.

- Name one.
- Um... Brad?

Brad somebody? He was in, um...

Go to hell, Stewie! I'm not helping you.

Brian, please. Don't hang up!

Oh, Rupert, I'm so scared.

This may finally be the end for me...

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Brian?

I remembered which Brad it was.

It was Toby Huss.

♪

So, is there something
you want to tell me?

Oh, nothing, just swam with a
dolphin this morning, no biggie.

- Not you.
- It actually was me. Check Facebook.

Peter, Lois and I don't know
what you're talking about.

I know you've been eating
cheesecake with my wife

behind my back.

You left a used napkin in the couch.

Okay, fine, Peter. It-it
just, it looked too good.

Quagmire and I each had
one bite, but that's it.

[QUAGMIRE] It's true. After
that, we both felt so guilty,

we threw the rest of it off the balcony

and into the ocean.

[CRUNCHING]

Wow, this is, like, the
world's best cheesecake.

Yeah. I saw the sign.

I'm sorry we lied to you, Peter.

But, look, I think there's
a part of me that was angry

you seemed to care more about
a dumb piece of cheesecake

than being on a romantic
vacation with your wife.

[SIGHS] It's my fault, too, Lois.

I'm sorry I've been kind
of neglecting you this trip.

Hey, I know. How about we
flush the whole afternoon

down the tubes by wandering
through a bunch of boring,

overpriced boutiques?

Oh, that's all any woman
wants. I love you, Peter.

♪

Okay, Desmond, the moment has arrived.

Time to step up to
the lip of the volcano.

♪

This is it, Rupert.

If Lizzo ever writes back, I
want you to have the letter.

Put it in a frame I would like.

Talk to Curt at Aaron
Brothers, he's fantastic.

♪

- Yay! We did it!
- Did what?

Hey. I-I thought Dennis said

you were all going to make a sacrifice.

That's right.

The sacrifice is that we's posting a pic

with no filter and no photoshop.

And... posted.

- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Ooh, first comment.

"So brave to post such a
terrible photo of yourselves."

Ah, ah... Delete. Delete. Delete.

♪

Eh, fine, Stewie, maybe we
don't have Michael Clayton.

But we got that Matt
Damon fracking movie.

Basically the same thing.
What's that... what is it called?

I want to, I want to say "Frack Damon"?

And-and, oh, not enough
berries on your plate?

I-I got some berries for
you, of the dingle variety.

♪

Housekeeping.

No, no, no...

♪

You know, posting that photo
wasn't the only sacrifice

- we made today.
- Really?

Yep. You won't find a
single carb on this boat.

Um... flatbread is a carb.

Oh, my God, he's right.
Why did we think that?

- Just 'cause it's flat?
- I must have had two boxes.

[GASPS] My hat that no one likes!

[SCREAMS]

Oh, no!

I know!

♪

So sad.

The lifeguard said the sharks
were lured to the resort

because someone threw
cheesecake in the water.

Oh! [NERVOUS CHUCKLE] Is that right?

I don't know if I's ever gonna recover.

I could come back with you.

Oh, let the healing begin!

Oh, hey. Where have you been?

At the duty-free shop, buying
six cartons of cigarettes,

a jug of Dior perfume and
a tin of wafer cookies.

- Oh. Did you get a good deal?
- I have no idea.

And what about you?
You're coming home with us?

Yeah. I actually got
fired for dragging my a*s

on every inch of a guest's hotel room.

[LAUGHS] Aw, epic. Even their pillow?

- Yep.
- Nice.

Maybe next year, we'll go to
the White Lotus in Thailand.

Eh, I hear it's not as good.