01x14 - The Lost Tale

[bunniefuu]

It's good we got around to having
a new sculpture made of us.

This will truly be the greatest visual
tribute we've ever given ourselves

made out of an
Atkins-friendly food item.

Cheese artist!
We will stop posing for you now.

We have to get ready for the
world-famous Siegfried and Roy show.

But Roy, we have already
done the show this evening.

Are you on cocaine in the hardened
rock form? We have done no show.

Why do I feel like
the adulation of thousands

has washed over me like a baptism?

And why are my pants full of doves?

That's between you
and the Audubon Society.

I could swear we did the show.
We must find the bottom of this.

Well, Havarti, we meet again.

But this time, the advantage is mine.

The robot dragon is still warm.
This means we have done the show.

- I'm happy for us.
- Yet I am sad for us.

Siggy, this is horrible.

Our show is supposed
to be a magical experience.

We're sleepwalking
like Sandra Bullock in Speed 2.

I am now sad too.

If I hadn't had my tear ducts removed,
I would be weeping like a schoolboy.

We've been doing
the same show for 30 years.

And it's time to mix it up!

If we're bored,
imagine how bored our fans are.

Our show is like
watching paint become less wet.

We need to make it better,
hipper, stronger, faster!

Thinking what I'm thinking?

We build a hundred-foot robot
of pop sensation Jessica Simpson!

Exactly!

Did somebody call the fire department?

I heard there's
a fun inferno in the house.

I should never have
let you plan this party.

Kate, Hunter is ten. He's a man now.
That's why I'm throwing him a man party.

Hunter and his friends
don't like the same things you do.

They're playing baseball right now.

Hey, I thought I was Darth Vader.

You are. I'm having an asthma attack.

And Hi Larious as entertainment? Really?

Hey, Dumbo! I heard when you ran away,

your picture took up all four sides
of the milk carton. Kablooey!

Did I mention it was
a gallon container? Kapow!

'Cause you're fat! Nagasaki.

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

Look kids, balloon time.

- This one's Paris Hilton giving me...
- Okay!

This is... Who wants to sh**t hoops?

- Hey, buddy, great party, huh?
- Everyone wants to leave.

Even Wendell the orphan bubble monkey
is having a bad time.

Hunter, that is not what we call him.
He's perfectly normal.

I don't even notice the bubble.

Hello, there, Wendell.
How are you doing?

- Still don't have an immune system.
- So how's school?

Are you gonna go out for
the basketball team this year?

No. They usually let the kids
with two kidneys do that stuff.

Have a party hat.

You know what, Larry?
This is hopeless.

They're eating rum cake.
This party could still turn around.

- You got them rum cake.
- Yeah, they're loving it.

Come on, baby. Give us a kiss.

Kate, the party's dying.
Give him a little something.

Hello, Jessica Simpson,
America's favorite newlywed ditz.

Thank you for agreeing to meet with us.

Oh, please. I should be
thanking ya'll. I love you guys.

By the way, hope you don't mind,
I'm filming for my three reality shows.

One's for MTV...

Hey, party people!

One's for BET...

What up, my negroes?
Jessica Simpson in the house.

And one's for Shanghai Live.

Di-jo-hau.
Jessica Simpson in the pagoda.

The reason you are being in our midst
is we have decided to hip up our show.

And we want you to be our centerpiece.

- You want me to sing a song?
- No, that would be insane.

We want to build a hundred-foot
robot of you that breathes fire

and bellows, "Total seduction."

It's under construction, but it
will look a little something like this.

Hit it.

Hey, maggot, did you take my juice box?

My Lord. How did
you guys build it so fast?

A few years ago, we started
building a Walter Cronkite robot.

You'd be surprised how similar
your body dimensions are.

- Teeny waist, very chesty.
- Well, what are you thinking of this?

What do I think?
I think it's... awesome!

Crunk! Kung-pao!

And that's why they call it Jell-O.

Captivating.
Listen, I'm gonna hit the head.

When the waiter brings a piece
of paper with numbers on it,

give him green rectangles
from your purse and meet me out back.

- Hey, how come I always pay?
- You paid last time.

Oh, right. I'm sorry.

Tracy, dear.

I couldn't help overhearing
the way Sarmoti treats you.

- It's not right.
- It's not?

No. You're more than
just an ornament for a man.

You're a goddess. You've got
a mind and a point of view,

you must have a story to tell.

Tracy, tell me your story.

I do have a story.

- I'd love to hear it.
- Okay.

It's about these
three mice who are blind.

So the good news is
I no longer have to pee sitting down.

But I won't lie,
at night it's dark, I do it anyway.

Hey, Sarmoti, check it out, man.

That crazy feminist Lily
is talking to Tracy.

Nosy broad. I'm putting
the kibosh on this right now.

And then there's this other story
about a black cop from Detroit,

who goes to Beverly Hills.
Boy, does he shake things up.

Hey, blondie, get away from my girl.

I don't want you filling her head
with that chick power garbage.

- She don't get it anyway.
- Oh, sweetheart. She does get it.

And I'm just trying to open her eyes.

My eyes are open.

Now they're closed. Open. Closed.

Okay, don't hurt yourself, honey.

Oh, you hang onto
those outdated views, Sarmoti.

She's going to find out
there are a lot of men out there

who will treat her
with kindness and respect.

Well, none of those men
are here right now.

They're at Macy's
shopping for ladies shoes.

Hey, kiddo.
Came to tuck the big birthday boy in.

- What you got there?
- Hi Larious made it for me.

He calls it "Prison Shower After Dark."

I know you're bummed about the party,
but I think I can cheer you up.

I still haven't given you
your special birthday gift.

Oh, my God. You got it? I left you
all those notes and I wrote that song.

- But sometimes you don't pay attention.
- I paid attention.

You got me a puppy?

A football!

Where's my puppy? Where's my puppy?

You know what? It'll be extra special
if I give it to you tomorrow.

Really? Why?

'Cause...

- Tomorrow's Puppy Day!
- Awesome, why is it Puppy Day?

Yeah, it is!

And here is our secret garden,

where the public can come and experience
our animals in their full glory.

So it's not actually
a secret garden at all, is it?

Is it too late to go back
to the Walter Cronkite robot?

Ja, Good Will picked up
his mustache this morning.

- Larry.
- Snack, where have you been?

I have to be home in an hour.
Hunter is expecting a dog.

I don't want to let him down.

It's tough to find a dog around here.
But Snack came through. Meet Fido.

- That's a rat, not a dog.
- It's a dog. Watch.

Fido, fetch.

All right, so the brother
knows his way around a c*ck.

It doesn't mean he's not a dog.

I'm gonna get some raggets
and some rolls and some reese-risa...

Every day.

Siggy, the black helicopters.
They've finally come to get us.

I told you not to go
on The O'Reilly Factor.

Identify the name of yourself.

My name's Jeff.

I'm a PA here to deliver
Jessica Simpson's dog.

Oh, Scruffin Muffins!

Can I get someone to sign for this?

Thank you.

Siegfried, Roy, this is my dog.

Scruffin Muffins. I love him so much.

I rescued him from the streets.

Well, I saved 14 species from
extinction, but here, you take my medal.

You deserve it more than me.

Okey-dokey.

Jessica, let us show you
our wonderful dolphins.

Here, baby, I'll put you in the shade.

You know what?
I'm so desperate I'll try the rat.

He's dead.

Sweetie, what are you doing?

Practicing walking my new dog.

Come on, doggy.
That's a good boy. Good boy.

No! Bad! You're gonna mess with me?

I am the beastmaster!

Who messed on the rug?
Did you do that?

Answer me. Huh?
Did you do that?

If this were the 19th century,
he'd be in the basement

with a metal helmet
screwed to his head.

There you are. Hunter's been
asking about his present all day.

Tell him he's not getting a dog.

No, I don't.

Oh, my God.
Where did you get him?

Someone left him in the garbage
by the theater.

- Isn't that horrible?
- What's this?

"Property of Jessica Simpson."

Holy mother!
You're not Jessica Simpson!

Where is Jessica Simpson?
I want my owner, Jessica Simpson.

I don't know about you, Kate,

but I'm starting to think this
might be Jessica Simpson's dog.

Oh, man. I really thought
ya'll were going to eat me.

You know what? Since I hit 40,
pets go right through me.

I'm glad you didn't.

I wouldn't have been able
to sample Kate's cheese bread.

- This is tasty, girl!
- Thank you.

By the way, I have to apologize.
My husband has a problem with stealing.

I'm a lion. When I see
something I want, I pounce.

The whole "king of the jungle" thing.

You about to be king of butt-whuppings
if you touch my cheese bread.

- What's it like living in Hollywood?
- It's cool at first.

The parties, the limos.

How many times can you watch
the foreign guy from That '70s Show

bag chicks out of his league,
you know what I'm talking about?

Scruffin Muffins, you're okay with
staying and being our kid's pet?

Absolutely.
But I'll need a few things.

Nokia picture phone, double-wide dog
house, Christmas and New Year's off.

- No problem.
- Also, I will fetch and/or roll over,

but no leg humping.

Can't say I'm not a little disappointed.
Can I ask why?

Hey, have you seen my undercarriage?
It's BYOB down there.

Okay.

Well, I think you're
really gonna like Hunter.

Hey, Hunter! Come in here.

Is...? Is that my dog?

You bet, kiddo. What do you think?

Yes, yes, yes!

Better give me May off too.

Scruffin Muffins! Scruffin Muffins!

Any sign of Scruffin Muffins?

This is bad. If we don't
find Jessica Simpson's dog,

we're up scheisse creek
without a kurze.

Fine. I will sleep with her.

Ja, that worked with Kathy Bates,
but it won't work here.

Roy, look!

One of the kitties
must have eaten Jessica's dog.

The circle of life
has made another revolution.

Yeah, but I am afraid
Jessica will not understand,

even though Vanity Fair
said she had an IQ of 160.

Scruffin Muffins!
Scruffin Muffins, where are you?

- Get rid of the collar.
- Ich bin ein... Be gone!

What did you just
throw over your shoulder?

I want you, Jessica Simpson.

Is that Scruffin's collar?

You can pull flowers out of her ear, but
you can't make a dog collar disappear?

Oh, my God.

One of your lions must have reached
through the fence and snatched Scruffin!

Jessica, join me in nudity!

This is horrible!
How could you let this happen?

Jessica, calm down. We still have
your robot to look forward to.

No, we don't. I'm pulling
the robot from the show.

This is a disaster!

The Jessica robot was the only way
to make our show funky, fresh and now!

I refuse to go on without it.

You got calf implants without me?

There was a sale.

Oh, honey, Chang's Io mein
was good tonight.

But you might have to rub the tummy.

Let's hit the sheets. I'm tired. I
don't want to fall asleep in the middle.

No, Sarmoti. I've been doing some
thinking about what Lily said.

We don't talk enough.
I have things to say.

I hear Mr. Ashtray
is a really good listener.

Sarmoti, Lily said if we can't
spend five minutes communicating,

then I should find a new man.

Okay, okay. No problem.

Sweetheart, tell me what's on your mind.

- I just started a new job...
- I'm out of here.

All right!

That was awesome!

But why didn't you
catch it with your mouth?

I could, but I don't like
to perpetuate the stereotype.

So you guys got, like,
girlfriends, or what?

- Wendell had a girlfriend.
- All right, you go, Wendell.

Make that bubble work for you.
What happened?

I broke up with her
because she was suffocating me.

- Always up in your business, huh?
- No, she stepped on my oxygen tube.

Look how happy Hunter is.

You've really risen above
your selfish nature to do something

wonderful for your son.

You have become
an excellent role model for him.

Chutney!

Well played, my friend. Well played.

Hey, Lar, got some bad news.

The Cheap Trick tickets are sold out?

Those are free.
They're playing the Luxor parking lot.

I just heard Jessica Simpson
pulled her robot from the show.

She freaked out because
someone stole her dog.

- Yay!
- No way!

That's where the dog came from?

- What are Siegfried and Roy gonna do?
- They're devastated, man!

They're shutting down.

Because of what you did, Larry,
for the first time in 30 years

the Siegfried and Roy show
is going dark.

- Nice plan, Chutney.
- Not this time, my friend.

Not this time.

Lady, you're k*lling me.

Oh, hello, Sarmoti.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't care about your
man-bashing, O Magazine bull-c*ck.

But now it's starting to infringe
on my bedroom time.

So here's what you're gonna do.

Stay away from
all the women I've slept with,

all the women I'm sleeping with
and all the women I plan to sleep with.

That leaves the one-legged flamingo
that works at the photomat.

Actually, stay away from her too,
you never know.

Do you think you treat women this way

because though
your mother had eight n*pples,

- there was never enough to nourish you?
- What?

Or maybe it's because you know if you
ever let your guard down with a woman,

you might become vulnerable
and possibly get hurt.

You're off your nut, lady.

Do you want to come inside and have
a chai tea so we can talk about it?

No.

Don't you mean... yes?

I will not take
that dog away from Hunter.

- He loves it too much.
- You have to do something.

Even better, I could ignore it
and hope the problem goes away,

like I do with that thing on my butt.

What the...?

- You stole a dog.
- You've been called to the tribunal.

- Yeah! Hey, my arm's bleeding.
- Oh, yeah?

- I lost a tooth!
- Awesome!

You have been summoned
to the secret tribunal.

As is tradition, you will be judged

by an anonymous,
unrecognizable council of your peers.

- Blake, you have to understand...
- Blake? Who is this Blake?

I am an anonymous animal. Why,
you don't know if I'm hoofed or furred

- or clawed or scaled.
- Blake, can I take this mask off?

- I can't see.
- No, nameless citizen.

Revealing our identities
would compromise

the sanctity of the secret tribunal.

Yeah, Chutney, you dumb mook.

I am not a mook, Vincent.
Tell him, Blake.

Shut up, you blithering idiots.

Larry, you've broken
the sacred law of the compound.

Never jeopardize the show.

Never jeopardize the show.

Siegfried and Roy have done
everything for us. We must protect them.

And if they say we need a 100-foot
Jessica Simpson robot that breathes fire

and says "total seduction,"
then by God we do!

But my son loves that dog.
What do you expect me to do?

Your choice has been made.
Return the dog.

- But...
- Larry, the tribunal has spoken.

Though you'll never know the identities
of the men that handed out justice,

its very anonymity assures its fairness.

- Chutney!
- Watch out!

Oh, hey, Lar. I was just
out for an evening stroll,

not handing out
blind justice or anything.

Is the card you're holding
three of diamonds?

- No.
- Ace of spades?

Nope.

I'm telling you,
the Great Rondini, the show is done.

Over. Kaput. We are the news
that was in your paper 24 hours ago.

Roy Leroy Horn,
I know you're in here.

- Is it queen of hearts?
- Yes.

- You must snap out of this.
- No.

If I can't give the audience
something fresh, the show is over.

I am devoting my life to becoming the
number one drunk, disheveled celebrity.

Watch your back, Nick Nolte.

You must remember something. People
come to Las Vegas to do three things:

Eat $1.99 prime rib, betray their
marriage vows and see Siegfried and Roy.

But we have been doing
the same show for 30 years.

You know deep down the thing
that will make it special again

is a 100-foot Jessica Simpson robot.

Jessica Simpson leaves tomorrow.

There is still time to convince her
to let us use the robot.

But how?

Roy, how many servants
have we sent to the moon?

- Dozens.
- Then we can do this.

You're right. We will do this.

I'm back!

I hate this place.

Why didn't you tell Hunter
he's got to give his dog back?

Can't you? I was the one that had to
tell him he wasn't gonna get a period.

- Larry...
- Fine, I'll tell him.

- Hunter.
- Hey, Dad, guess what?

I named my dog:
Super Best Pal Forever Till I Die.

Yeah, that's not making this any easier.

- Hunter, the thing is your dog...
- Super Best Pal Forever Till I Die?

Look, I wanted to make
your birthday special,

but in order to do that,
I had to do something bad.

- See, I took your dog...
- Super Best Pal Forever Till I Die?

Okay, stop saying that!

I took your dog from someone else
and now they want it back.

I realize this is hard,
but you're a mature young man

and I know you can handle this.

No!

We gotta switch that kid to decaf.

Larry, he's a kid,
he doesn't drink coffee.

I know, but I heard that on Hope &
Faith and I've been dying to use it.

Hey, turn on Imus,
he's choking on a bialy.

Forget it, he coughed it up.

That was great.

- Yeah.
- Go get yourself something pretty.

Sarmoti, where you been?
We ain't seen you in two days.

I was with Lily.

All right, chief.

Did you deliver the groceries?

Yeah, yeah, they were delivered.

And you kept the change.

Wait, is that lavender body oil?

I... I don't know.

Hey, man, did she
braid your hair back there?

- I don't want to talk about it.
- Chief!

I cried like a baby, okay?
Are you happy?

She reached into my chest
and held my heart in her hands.

But you kept the change, right?

- Jessica Simpson, you cannot leave.
- We must have your robot.

How can you even ask?
It's too painful.

We know you are an international
singing superstar with fame, wealth

and you're stacked like the planes
at JFK the day before Thanksgiving,

but we are prepared to offer you the one
gift none of those could ever deliver.

TiVo!

It can never replace my dog.

I knew we should have
given her our unicorn.

Larry, if she leaves without that dog,

the show will be over
and we will lose everything.

And I refuse to go back to a life
without Percocet.

- Sorry, gotta give you back.
- It's cool.

The MTV Movie Awards are coming up
and a brother need to get a gift bag.

Hunter is bumming me out.

Make him a butterfly
with a big schwanz.

But it can record two shows at once!

I'm sorry, but that robot
will always remind me

of the empty void in my heart.

Without something small
and frail to love, I am nothing.

What? I requested
the song on 97.8 The Beat.

I don't want to miss it.

Do it now! Give back the dog.

Go, Wendell, go!

Oh, my God.
Look how small and frail he is.

The void in my heart is filling.

- And now, ladies and gentlemen...
- Straight from the depths of Heaven,

riding a chariot powered
by sexuality and smiles,

behold the newest member
of the Siegfried and Roy family...

Total seduction.

- Thank you!
- Thank you!