01x08 - Rehabilitation

[bunniefuu]

Bright light city's gonna set my soul

Gonna set my soul on fire

I got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn

So get those stakes up higher

I'm gonna give it everything I got

Lady Luck, please, let the dice stay hot

Let me sh**t a seven with every shot

Hey, viva Las Vegas

Viva Las Vegas

Viva

Viva...

Las Vegas.

Thank you

And now we take the rock to the hole with authority.

For you white people, "rock" means basketball.

Eat that, Allen Iverson!

Und now, ladies und gentlemen,

one more round of applause for our lead lion, Larry!

How you doing, Chutney?

In my home country, I was a surgeon.

Yeah, well, last show of the week. Almost home.

Good night, everyone!

Remember, as you leave this theater and live your lives,

look for the magic all around you...

brought to you by Pacificon Wireless.

Get connected!

Great show, sweetie. How are you doing?

I'm exhausted. This lead lion gig is k*lling me.

I can't remember the last time I spent a night with you and the kids.

Quit your bellyaching.

When I was lead lion, the job came first,

and I was grateful.

Do you know how many lions in Africa would k*ll to prance around on a levitating disco ball?

Is he right?

Am I taking my disco ball prancing for granted?

Look, Larry, he's from a different generation.

}Spending time with your wife and kids was not what men did.

In his eyes, you're a big girl.

Chief, chief!

There you are! Great news!

I was just at the lodge,

and they voted you this year's recipient of the Animal Society's Lifetime Achievement Award!

Would you believe it, sir? That's the truth.

That's a really big honor.

See? This is what you get when you take pride in what you do.

He doesn't understand what it is to be a showman, sir.

This whole operation has gone in the crapper ever since you left.

They used to come to the show in hats!

Come on, let's get home.

Kate, leave that sexy stage makeup on.

I may be able to rally.

Larry, wait!

It's VIP Night.

We've managed to attract Easy Rider and known marijuana user Peter Fonda,

also the star of Ulee's Gold,

the greatest beekeeping movie of all time!

A lion.

Groovy.

Come, hop on the Hog.

Oh, man.

Sorry, I know this will give you helmet mane, but it's the law.

My motor's running

Going to the freeway...

Oh, I smell like bong water.

Hi, pumpkin, I'm home.

Oh, I thought this night would never end.

Yeah, they kept you out late.

Were you hanging out with Snoop Dogg again?

I don't want to talk about work.

Larry! Ready or not, here I come!

Hide the hookers. Daddy's coming in.

The night's not over yet.

Liz Taylor wants us to come over for dessert!

Fonda, put down the cookie dough!

We're supposed to bake those.

Oh, don't wait up.

Thank you to the members of the Animal Society

for this great award.

Hey, Sarmoti!

What are you gonna do for a face when the baboon wants his keister back?

Ka-pow!

Seriously, congrats on the Lifetime Achievement Award.

Bernie says you need some jokes for your speech.

In a minute.

Bernie, get this down.

It was 1953, and I was sitting in Swifty Lazar's office...

That's great,

but it'd be funnier if it was Zsa Zsa Gabor

and she was wearing pants made of cheese.

You're fired.

I like it, but it's better if you say "canned",

because it's got the "k" sound,

and it's another word for a*s.

Wake up, Larry.

I think we kept the "L" train up too late last night.

He partied like it was neunzehn neunzig neun.

Pull it together, Larry,

because after practice we are booked on Good Day Live,

and I am going to run my game on that Debbie Matenopoulos.

Okay, Larry, time for the morning exercises.

Pedestal to pedestal.

Good. Again.

Ach! Larry has fallen!

Larry has fallen!

He was on the pedestal and now he's not!

This is all my fault!

I pushed him too hard and now he has injured his leg!

I'll get the g*n.

No, we will get paramedics and heal him.

Oh, that is good, too.

Too bad you weren't there when my grandmother fell.

This is a nightmare.

I have an honorary doctorate from Baylor University.

Should I scrub up?

No. The X ray doesn't reveal any fractures.

No! Why?!

Roy, "no fractures" is good.

Oh, splendid.

But just to be safe, I'm going to put him in a cast

and recommend that he stay off it for a week.

I'll get you some meatballs with heavy-duty pain pills in them: Codameine.

Hey, man, you're gonna love those Codameines.

You will be feeling no pain.

What're you in for?

Tore my rotator cuff flinging poo.

Larry, I'm so sorry about your injury.

I will not allow myself to feel any pleasure until you are better.

Actually, I have dinner with Charo on Friday, so that won't work.

But to help you through the pain,

we left you a special "get well" message.

Auf Wiedersehen, my precious kitty!

Remember, there will be no work for you until you get better.

No work. What a pity!

Blue, what is that?

Buddy, you gotta hold onto those.

Yeah, you hit him right in the numbers.

I know, right?

Can't breathe.

Lung collapsing.

How's the leg, honey?

A little better, I guess.

Okay, here's your pain pill.

Hunter, Sierra, come on, you've got grooming appointments at 4:00.

Remember, you're under strict orders to stay on the couch.

Don't try to do too much too soon.

But Siegfried and Roy need me!

They'll be fine.

Hunter, go long.

- Hey, Larry.
- Hey, pal.

Check it out. I've started drinking in the afternoon.

And to make it seem socially acceptable,

I'm pretending to be into wine.

Good for you.

This is a 1997 Kookaburra Shiraz.

It's jammy, with hints of pepper and oak.

Ooh, meatballs!

Glad I brought red.

Whoa, don't eat that.

My pain pills are in there.

I thought you seemed kinda dopey and stupid.

I'm not taking them.

Can you keep a secret?

Is it about Shaquille O'Neal?

I'm not injured! I'm faking it!

My leg doesn't hurt. See?

Now it hurts a little.

Anyway, I was burnt out from work

and I wanted some time off.

Now look at me, I'm living the dream!

Well, well, well, if it isn't the gimp.

Not surprised your ankles gave out.

They put up a good fight for all those years.

Excellent zinger, sir.

I'm laughing, yet you never used the F-word.

Take that, Jerry Steinfeld.

Oh, God.

Well, I gotta go.

I'm out of the good stuff, so I'm gonna go drink a bottle of Old Spice.

Bernie, get this down.

I was alone in my dressing room when in walked Adrienne Barbeau.

I hadn't seen cans that big since I bought coffee at Costco.

Are you guys gonna be here long?

The Doctor said I'm not supposed to have any old people around.

Shut it, Lumpy.

We're not gonna leave here till we finish this speech,

so tough ta-tas.

With all due respect, sir, you don't need to go to the bosom well so often.

Hey! I was watching that!

You're pathetic.

You know, I never once missed a performance, even the night Kate was born.

I'll never forget.

There was a charismatic young leader from the Far East in the audience.

And that's why Kate's middle name is Pol Pot.

Hey, meatballs.

Don't mind if I do.

- Sarmoti, don't!
- Oh, you want them all yourself?

- No, it's just...
- I'd hate for you to not have the taste of beef in your mouth

for more than 45 seconds.

You know what? Be my guest.

Delicious.

And in closing, I'd like to thank everyone who has inspired me.

Frank, Dino, Sammy, Makimba.

Makimba?

A talented snake I knew in Africa.

He could've been huge, but he had a weakness for the booger sugar.

Okay, now let's go through it from the top.

The speech! He ruined your speech!

Don't worry, buddy. It could happen to anyone.

Looks like someone's a klutzy-wutzy.

Boss, my computer's shot.

It's completely destroyed.

Bernie, we cry about people, not things.

We'll get 'em next time, eh?

You okay, Jefe?

Of course, he is.

He just has this wonderful new attitude,

which I hope has no side effects such as hair loss

or sexual dysfunction.

- Hi, everybody.
- Oh, wonderful! You're home!

You and your angelic children.

Dad, what's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

A miracle.

And we're all in it! Everybody, front and center.

We're going to watch the sunset.

How's that?

Oh, great stretch.

Oh! Where'd you learn how to do that?

I used to study ballet back in the '50s.

You know, when it was for straight guys.

I had a wonderful dance partner.

What was his name?

q*eer Bob.

Oh, how'd that go?

First position, second, third.

Dad, I'm warning you, I just ordered "Divine Secrets Of the Ya Ya Sisterhood" on Pay Per View,

so you may want to clear out.

Hey, if it's feisty Southern gals celebrating life, I'm in.

Let me make some light buttered popcorn.

Back in a jiff!

My dad is in such a good mood.

- Do you think he's dying?
- Nah.

I've just never seen him like this.

I mean, the last movie he wanted me to watch with him was his colonoscopy.

I saw that. It was pretty good.

I did go in with low expectations.

Hey, it's time to take another pain pill.

Uh, actually, I feel a little better.

I think I'm just going to tough it out from here on in.

Oh, good, then I guess I can get rid of these.

- Don't do that.
- Why?

Because.

They make snazzy earings

Ooh, they'll go great with your spaghetti strap dress

- I'm drugging your father
- What?!

I wanted to spend time with you and the kids

so I faked an injury and I let your dad eat one of the meatballs

and it made him so much nicer.

Oh, my God, we need to get him another one.

It's gonna way off soon.

I can't believe you!

You can't drug someone against their will!

I'm telling him right now.

What the hell is going on here?

Why are these Southern-fried hags having a bitchfest on my Pay Per View?

What happens if you give him two?

Come on, baby,

don't say maybe

I got to know if your sweet love

is going to save me.

Why are you touching me, you big mo?

Move over.

I'm gonna get us some snacks.

Time for your dad to take his pill.

Hey, Larry, check it out

I started taking drugs in afternoon.

Oh, my God! They're all gone.

What are we gonna do?

It's over,Larry.

It can't be over. I still have three days left before I go back to work!

There must be something we can do.

He's filled with the stuff.

We'll cover him in melted cheese.

Sarmoti won't even notice!

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Redd Foxx.

Larry, you can't feed him your best friend.

He's not my best friend.

Fine.

Now, kind of basy.

This is music, not like this dreck you got.

Eagles. Crap.

Doors. Junk.

Zeppelin. Garbage.

Um, I'll be right back.

What's the matter?

Father-in-law done come undrugged?

Not for long.

Travis, where's my ball gown?!

You said you was taking me dancing!

Dancing?

Some other time, perhaps.

Pills, pills, pills...

Leg looks pretty good.

You lazy schmuck, I knew you were faking it.

Yeah, I suck.

So... hungry?

What the hell are those?

Wait a second, you've been slipping me medicated meatballs!

No, no, it was an accident.

You know me, klutzy-wutzy.

No wonder I got cottonmouth and did yoga with Kate yesterday!

You little...

Larry, Sarmoti, what is this ruckus?

Mama hippo is about to give birth.

Roy, quick, we must get back in there before the baby thinks the hippo is its mother.

Lions, why are you here amongst pills?

Oh, mein gott!

Our lions are drug addicts!

I'll get the g*n.

I can't believe this is happening.

What do we do?

Well, you've already "shot down" my g*n idea,

pun intended, hold for laughter.

Two, three, four.

Stop it.

Great glory, I am being hit by an idea!

Dope fiend lions, welcome to the world's premiere celebrity rehab center.

For crying out loud!

It will not be easy, kitties,

but at least you are not taking your addiction "lion" down.

What did I tell you about puns?!

You putz.

What have you dragged me into?

Rehab will be good for you, kitties.

Mrs. Betty Ford has helped many entertainers kick their addictions.

Ja, in seven days, you'll be as good as new.

Seven days?!

My ceremony is tomorrow night!

The crowning achievement of my whole career is ruined because of you!

Oh, no, I don't believe it. Paparazzi.

Leeches.

Perhaps the trench coats and dark glasses.

Here they are! Mr. Roy!

Back, paparazzi.

No pictures.

I crave my privacy, and so does my new girlfriend, Angelina Jolie.

- Hello. I am Siegfried
- And I am Roy.

Thank you for coming out tonight.

Our lions are addicts, and we would like to check them into your Betty Ford.

I'm sorry, but we can't treat those lions.

Why, because they are not in a big rock band?

Because they did not write "Brown Sugar?"

No, because they are not human.

I think you are the one who is not human.

Siegfried, you are wasting your time.

Is Betty here?

Come on, this'll be kind of fun.

There's all sorts of celebrities here.

Hello! Looks like Yasmine Bleeth didn't pack enough underwear.

I got to get some air.

Sarmoti, wait.

My supervisor will be down in a moment.

Wonderful.

While we wait, let us eat.

Servant!

Red, please.

A toast to this wonderful center

that has helped so many people battle addiction.

Oh, that takes the edge off.

Ooh, I don't know how you people do it.

I couldn't go a day without this stuff.

Sarmoti, come on.

I wish I could undo this.

Get away from me.

I got to work off some steam.

Ah, hey, you liked me when you were stoned. Remember?

It's a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford

Slowin' down to take a look at me...

Okay, Samantha, welcome to group therapy.

Now, I understand your owner is at the clinic trying to kick his daiquiri habit.

What's your problem?

I love him, but he can't commit to any woman.

And I'm afraid he's going to leave me.

All right, face your fear.

He's gone. What would you do?

I'd probably start cutting myself again.

Hey, at least we'd have bacon.

Hi, everybody, Larry the Lion.

Welcome, Larry.

We're building a feeling fence, and you just whipped it out

and peed all over it.

I'm Alan. What's going on?

Well, Alan, it's a long complicated story.

Uh-huh, just the highlights.

When did your g*y lover beat you?

I don't have a g*y lover.

Okay, saving that one.

What do you want to talk about?

If you really want to know,

it's my father-in-law.

See, I was tired of his attitude.

- He's got this...
- When did he force himself on you?

He didn't. It's me.

I really screwed up, and now he won't talk to me.

Larry, let's get real.

You've got to make him stop and listen to you.

Sarmoti, we need to talk.

Sure, let's talk about

how you're making me miss the most important night of my life,

you fat sack of crap idiot loser!

Okay, Larry, your father-in-law thinks that you are

a fat sack of crap idiot loser.

React.

Look, I didn't mean for this to happen.

I just wanted some time off.

You make me sick!

You're the star of the greatest show in the history of Las Vegas,

and all you want to do is sit on your butt at home!

I'm sorry, I like being at home with my family.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing, we're just different.

You'd rather work hard and win awards,

I'd rather be home splitting a pizza with my kids.

Show me where he touched you!

How dare you.

- I love being with my family.
- Who're you kidding?

All you care about is work.

You missed your daughter's birthday so you could perform in a stupid show.

And then you named her after Pol Pot.

Oh yeah, it's easy to criticize with the benefit of hindsight.

What about your awards speech?

- What about it?
- You never mention your family once.

You thank Frank and Dino and some snake named Makimba...

He had pipes like Bing Crosby.

He fell in with the wrong crowd!

And maybe I wasn't finished with the speech yet.

And who the hell are you to judge me?

He's leaving because of me, isn't he?

Come on Larry, let's go.

This place is not as much fun as I thought it would be.

Dad, come on, we're going to be late for your award.

Don't forget your camera.

Uh, Sarmoti, before we go,

I just want to clear the air.

I feel bad about all the stuff I said at rehab.

No, Larry, the truth is I needed to hear it.

Everybody... gather around.

I have something I want to say.

Now you know I love show business,

but this family has always been the most important thing in my life.

Kate, you're my rock and my inspiration.

Sierra and Hunter,

you're what I get up for every day.

And Larry, I know I give you a hard time,

but there's a lot I can learn from you.

I...

I love you all.

Ah, Dad, we love you, too.

Come on, kids, let's go.

That was really nice, Sarmoti.

How many meatballs did you take?

Two. And I got one in my pocket for the ride home.

Oh, yeah, well, sure I drink socially,

but I don't have a problem.

Right, right...

Show me where he touched you.