Eye of the Salamander, The (2024)

[bunniefuu]

- sh*t.

God damn!

Good boy.

You have got to be kidding me.

Working late again, Dr. Hiscock?

Yes, Dr. Hiscock.

Since there's nothing else to

do in your boring little life.

Careful, Doc.

You keep talking to yourself,

you're gonna need to

see a real doctor.

Maybe it's finally

time to get a pet.

Oh, wait. No.

I've already got

triceratops at home.

A big fat beastie

with three horns.

Only thing she left me after

the divorce.

Triceratops? Sure, yeah.

Could really use one of those.

- Hold it right there.

Working late again, Professor?

What? Are you famished?

- Midnight munchies.

- You gotta be

careful with those.

You're round enough already.

- Goodnight to you too, sir.

- Hey, Hiscock.

Boo!

I'll see ya.

- Butt hole.

What's that smell?

Something.

Well, hello there.

What do we have here?

Where's my God damn phone?

I left it right here.

Or in the car.

Hell with it. Don't need it

much these days, anyhow, do I?

Okay.

Exhibit number 25003.

Found in the Pyramid of the Moon

at the ancient city Teoteqokan

in the valley of Mexico,

the top part is crowned by a

head that looks like a dragon,

on an ugly version of

an axolotl salamander,

probably dedicated to

the Aztec God Xolotl.

The pyramid appears to be more

Egyptian than South American.

Possible connection there.

Carbon dating could

be a good idea.

Dimensions, 25.5 by 32 inches.

Under 41 pounds.

Made of stone.

Collected a lot of residue.

Requiring cleaning.

And that...

Is exactly what we're gonna do.

Oh!

Done.

Done for the night.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Hello, beautiful.

Am I getting lucky tonight?

Hey.

Not such a bad night after all.

Sooner or later, I'm

gonna crack you, sweetie.

What the hell?

This keeps getting

better and better.

Tricky little sucker!

Get you...

Got ya!

What is that?

No way.

sh*t.

What the hell?

That's what weighed 40 pounds?

What's this made of? Plutonium?

It's warm.

And radioactive?

sh*t!

The exhibit appears to

be a hollow stone casket,

holding a decorative tablet.

Probably made of uranium

or some other heavy metal.

It consists of two

sides, held together by

an electromagnetic force.

Pattern...

Markings don't appear

to be any Toltec, Mayan,

Aztec pattern known to me.

It's probably

from another cult.

What the hell?

I gotta stop

drinking this stuff.

Damn it!

Hello?

Screw this.

Come on.

Come on, sesame. Open up.

Come on.

You stay here.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay!

Come on. Work, you

son of a b*tch!

Okay, okay, okay. Come on.

Come on, this can't be

happening. This can't be real!

Come on, come on, come on!

Hello?

What the f*ck?

No, please!

No!

Oh.

You can talk.

I'm sorry. I don't

know what you mean.

But whatever I did,

I'm really sorry.

Look, I'm just visiting here.

I tell you what.

You tell me how

to get outta here,

you'll never see me

again, I promise!

What do you want from me?

I don't know what you mean!

What do you want from me?

Whatever it is, I don't have it!

Nightmare.

I gotta

quit smoking pot.

- I wouldn't

mind a hit right now.

- Who said that?

- Shut up!

It can hear better

than it can see!

- You're...

- You.

I mean, I'm me, but

I'm also you too.

- Okay.

First, I get zapped

into these mines.

Then that thing that

looks like some Xolotl

from an Aztec

nightmare shows up.

And now you.

- It is Xolotl.

- What? How do you know?

- I asked him.

- I said, "Excuse me.

Aren't you Xolotl

from Aztec religion?"

And he goes, "Oh,

no. No, no, no, no.

I'm just a guy in a costume,

'cause it's Halloween

on freaking Mars."

- Mars.

The surface.

How do you know that was Mars?

- Because I've been in

the moon since then.

And you know what?

I think I saw your

ugly mug up there.

- I've never been to the moon.

- Not yet.

- What do you mean?

- Shut up.

I don't have time.

I need to think.

Light speed.

The time is divided by...

That gives us about

a 20-minute gap.

- Look, I'm sorry, but

you're gonna have to-

- Give me those.

Oh.

I used the tablet

from Xolotl's chamber.

- How? it didn't work.

- You have to use

the opposite side.

- Oh.

- It dropped me onto

the moon's surface.

- How did you survive?

Look at my face, d*ck wad.

Ooh.

Ow!

Well, at least you

don't have a black eye.

- But the space vacuum

jump-started my brain.

Now I know I need to turn

the damn thing to jump back.

There's one more thing.

I saw what was up there.

I think he tried to

scream something.

- What?

The vacuum's dangerous,

especially for the brain.

You were probably hallucinating.

- Oh, please. I'm

here now, aren't I?

- Hey.

The tablet from the

lab is still here.

We can use it to get home!

- At first I thought

I went straight back,

but something didn't feel right.

This time, it was as if the

beast had never been chasing me.

Like it had never even happened.

And the tablet was

gone, too. Just poof.

Vanished.

And then I hear you chattering

away with El Monstro.

- You mean you got away, too?

- Yeah, I ran.

Then I used a tablet, which

sent me to the moon and back.

Back to the past.

To the time before I was

sent here from Earth.

- I need a smoke.

- Now you're talkin'.

- Well, how is that even

possible? Is it a time machine?

- Don't ask

me. I'm just visiting.

But if it is some sort

of instant teleporter,

then it's faster than

the speed of a light.

- Right.

Because...

If time is slowing down

closer to the speed of light,

then theoretically,

if exceeded,

it goes backward.

- Bingo.

Hey.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

- But wait, what about my mass?

It would grow and

then go to infinity.

- Oh, I don't think

you need any help

in that department, chubs.

No, no, no.

I don't think the

tablet moves you.

I think it shreds you to atoms,

reads and scans 'em,

and sends 'em back

here to generate

some quantum teleportation

sh*t, faster than light.

- That's heavy, man.

I knew I died when

I saw that demon.

What do you think

it's doing out here?

- Ask it yourself.

It's your turn.

He was probably on his

way to some wild Aztec

sacrificial party but found

your fat a*s teleported here.

- All right, here's a question.

If you saved me, who saved you?

- Nobody. I mean,

nobody grabbed me.

I got the tablet and

I decoyed the beast

with some helpful jerky.

Speaking of. Give me.

That thing's probably

starved after 500 years.

- Did you put the pen

knife under the chair?

- No, but I saw that arrow too.

- So that means

there's gotta be...

- A third butt hole.

Namely you and me.

- have you seen him?

- Nope.

- Well, why is he hiding?

- Ask yourself.

- Well, we gotta find him.

- Listen, creepazoid.

I don't have time for some

bullshit manhunt, all right?

And if we do manage

to make it back,

I'm not splitting the

jackpot three ways.

- What jackpot?

- The...

The lottery, dumb a*s.

We go back, just in time

to buy the right ticket.

- Dude!

I knew I was an as*h*le,

but not on that level!

How could you even think

about something like that,

right now?

- I think you know.

- Okay.

What's the plan?

- We go back to the moon.

- Hell no!

- No, that's fine.

Why don't you stay here

with your new friend Xolotl?

- Okay, you convinced

me. Then what?

- We go back to the moon

and back to the past.

We wait for the next

one of us to arrive,

intercept the tablet,

use it to jump back.

- Well, what about

the next of us?

Should we take 'em with us?

- Meh. Leave 'em here.

They'll have a little adventure.

They'll find the knife

and escape anyway.

- You're a real

prick, you know that?

- Time is

a great teacher.

But it kills all its students.

You know I could've

very well have left

your fat a*s back

here, but I didn't.

Hell, I don't even know if

the tablet works for two.

- All right, let's do it. You

still got the moon tablet?

- No. It vanished.

Looks like it's a

round-trip ticket.

- How are you planning

on getting past

our grumpy old friend?

- Same way I did before.

We outsmart him.

Give me your watch.

- How do you know

this is gonna work?

- Shut up! It worked

before, stupid.

- He's not here.

Good.

- How do you know

it's not a her?

You're not sexist, am I?

Hey, she might like ya. She...

Wait. I think it's close.

- So we won't need your trick.

- We'll see.

Should be any minute now.

- Didn't your buddy react

to this the last time?

- It did.

Maybe it's further

down in the tunnels.

- What do we do?

- We do it.

When we get to the moon,

breathe out, or you'll explode.

- Thanks for the tip.

- Come on!

Hurry up, dumb

Oops.

- Great job, Hiscock. Great job.

You're gonna die on

this miserable planet!

God!

I told you not to work late.

I told you to start working

out, but you didn't listen!

Shut up!

Shut up.

Just quit talkin' to yourself.

Keep your sh*t together.

Okay, what am I gonna

do? What am I gonna do?

I gotta get back to the past.

Find him before

a new me arrives.

We get the tablet,

we get back home,

and we get that

damn lottery ticket.

How am I supposed to get past

that fossilized piece of sh*t?

The old me says this

attracts the beast.

Snacks.

You never let me down.

Okay, stone.

Bring me luck.

Where's my glasses?

Other side, God damn it.

Nightmare.

- I wish it was.

- You're alive!

- Excuse me?

- Long story.

- Oh, I got all the time

in the world. Enlighten me.

- How'd I get here?

- I found your fat a*s lying

in the catacombs like bait.

You weigh a ton, dude. You've

gotta lose the weight, man.

- First thing I'm gonna

do when we get back.

- I'm not going

anywhere with you.

- What? You don't wanna

split the lottery?

- What lottery?

- Didn't think

about that part yet, did ya?

- Okay, you're gonna

tell me what's going on,

or else I'm gonna

feed you that thing.

- Sorry.

I'm you.

I mean...

I'm me.

But I'm also you, too.

- Yeah. I got that part already.

What do you think

I am? A ret*rd?

- Look, the trick is the

tablet sends you back in time,

through teleporting.

- Oh.

So, that explains...

I saw you on the moon.

You tried to scream something.

- That wasn't me.

You saw the third one.

Well, the very first one.

The one who planted the knife.

- You didn't do that?

- No, but I saw you

teleported, right before me.

- "Third one."

Interesting.

What's with the shiner?

- Uh...

You gave me that.

- Probably

for a good reason.

What did you mean

by me being alive?

- Let's not talk about that.

- No.

Let's.

- - Let's just

say, in the future,

you have a little accident.

- Beast?

- Yeah.

- Crap.

- Wanna change the subject?

- Got a smoke?

- Uh, no, but...

I got this.

- That'll do.

But how do we get back?

Couldn't find the tablet.

- You gotta start

thinking in the past, man.

It's not here yet.

- Okay. When?

- Well, I'm not sure.

How long was I out?

- Well, I don't know.

Maybe half an hour?

- Crap! Why didn't you tell me?

- You didn't ask!

- sh*t! We're late!

- I can hear that.

- Come on!

I think I know what he's saying.

- It's "Where is it?" in

Aztec. Don't be a smart a*s.

- Sorry. Had to try.

There it is!

- Stop talking, moron.

- Oh, sh*t. Hide!

There he is!

Hey! We're here!

Hey! Stop!

- Why is he running?

- To get to the tablet first.

Obviously.

- Why?

- To go back alone, stupid!

- He wants to steal it from us?

- I would!

- Run faster, fat brains!

- Stop!

Idiot!

Got you, you crook!

- I'm sorry.

- What an as*h*le!

- Last time, you

called him a butthole-

- Well, he exceeded

my expectations.

What are we gonna do now?

Right.

- Oh, not again.

- Should we save him?

- Wanna try?

- Nope.

- He'll find that

knife. Remember?

- Yeah. Let's do it.

Okay.

Are you kidding me?

- You b*stard!

Stop, you idiot!

Trying to dump me, Brutus?

- Don't stand

there like a lemon.

Damn it!

- Hello?

- Screw this.

- Come on.

Come on, sesame. Open up.

- Hey! We're here!

Hey, stop!

Stop!

You idiot!

Got you, you crook!

- I'm sorry.

What a trip.

Who needs LSD, these days?

Nope.

No way.

I'm sending you back tomorrow.

Yes.

We made it. There's still time.

I gotta piss.

Number two didn't

make it back twice.

You should've given

him the tablet.

Then what?

You wouldn't have survived

your third jump to the moon.

Stop whining.

What's done is done.

Yeah, right.

- Dude.

You need a shower.

Ooh, la, la, la, la!

La, la, la, la!

Ooh!

Oh!

All right.

Snack time!

Later, dude.

- Damn.

I completely forgot

about that as*h*le.

Ah!

Should I tell him?

You'd better, or

he'll go through hell.

He kinda deserves it.

Who knows? He might

even make it back.

All right.

Tell him.

Wait.

What if there are

more time loops?

What if the beast found

the tablet before me?

sh*t, I gotta stop myself

so none of this happens.

No.

Oh, thank you, vending machine.

He's gonna eat him

in the snack room.

Then I won't exist anymore.

Hey!

a*s clown!

Crap

Are you kidding me?

- Freeze!

Shut up, you bum.

- Shh, shh.

Be quiet.

- How did you get in here?

- I'm begging you. Be quiet.

It's me. Professor Hiscock.

- Huh?

I can't believe it.

Professor!

What happened to you, Hiscock?

Did you swim in the

crapper?

Die, you freakin' beast.

- Welcome to Earth!

Dumb a*s!

Good luck on Mars, butt hole.

One Extra Millions

ticket, please.

These exact numbers.

What're you looking

at? Hurry up, dude.

Oh. sh*t. I'm late.

God damn it!

What the hell was that?