01x04 - Leave Mojo Out of It

[bunniefuu]

JAY: Got you a little something.

For you, babe.

Great.

Another gas station rose.

[Harley sighs]

JAY: Oh!

Testy, testy!

Okay, Seal.

You can't just roll in

all "Kiss from a Rose"

after you peaced

for a whole week!

Babe, you know I'd rather

be with you, but

[pager beeps]

When duty calls,

I gotta answer.

That the girl who called

into Uncle Sizzle's

from your phone number?

That's why you're wigging?

Babe, my cuz Steph

ordered the 'za.

She comes over

to watch Monday Night Raw.

Yeah, I bet.

You know,

I've never even seen your place.

Are you serious right now?

It took you until now to even

invite me over to Violet's.

That's because I never know

when you're free

or where the f*ck you even are!

Wow.

You can't be a private eye

if everyone knows where you are

all the time!

That's kind of

the point of the job.

You got trust issues, man.

Big time.

Yeah?

And what's that

supposed to mean?

It means

you gotta chill, okay?

You sound paranoid.

Are you clowning me?

Geez!

You gotta trust me, Sluggo.

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay?

[pager beeping]

Look, this time's different.

I'll make it back in time

for your mom's birthday thing.

I'll meet Shelley.

Older ladies love me, okay?

You'll see.

[playing electric guitar

and keyboard beat]

♪

You almost done or what?

You're all over the recording!

My bad.

Harley, if you're gonna be

in here, you gotta be quiet.

Okay.

f*ck' Louie

the Lightning Bug over here.

Oh!

- [all exclaiming]

- Oh my God!

- Fock! Ohh!

- Are you okay?

HARLEY: Friggin' cords

everywhere!

SHOWBOAT: Oh, it won't turn on!

No, no, no, no!

My dad's gonna freak!

- Is the tape okay?

- I don't know!

Well, did you try

blowing on it?

It's not a Nintendo cartridge.

SHELLEY: [upstairs]

Hey!

Everyone's here!

Get your arses upstairs.

You go.

I'ma try and fix this.

Okay.

Like, get some frickin'

traffic cones going down here

- or some sh*t.

- Come on.

HARLEY: Who put that there?

That's so stupid!

Whatever, don't act like

you never sat on my Talk Girl.

Okay, remember?

I turned it on,

and it was all "grrrrrrrawaaa."

So let's just

call it even, okay?

Whoa.

Look who made a cake

with aspartame.

Special for the elders.

Who did?

WESLEY: Her.

Who "her"?

Um, my girl.

Um Donn

Um

Dongle.

Your girl

"Dongle"?

Yeah, um

Yeah, it's just-- it's not--

it's it's

Just whatever.

You wouldn't get it.

Who the hell is she?

VIOLET: Dongle, I suppose.

HARLEY: As if

she brought a cake.

Hey!

You're not an Elder!

THE FOX: I'm elder than you.

So what?

We're just letting

anyone in here now?

SHELLEY: Harley!

Harley?

Hey, just checking in.

Oh

Yeah, I'm fine.

It's still nice that we can

have a meal together today, hey?

Mm-hm.

Your mom would've been 40.

She loved her birthday.

Yeah.

So, I found her very first

piece of beadwork

when I was cleaning out

my closet.

HARLEY: My God,

why'd she make a basketball?

SHELLEY: [laughs]

It's supposed to be a flower.

Yeah, she got all mukabee

when it didn't turn out.

It's so busted.

Yeah, 'cause Hildy was

a slack beader just like you.

Come here, I'll put it--

Shelley, it's okay.

Um

Why don't you just

hold onto it for me?

[sighs]

I'll just lose it.

Okay.

WANDA: Famous soup

coming through!

VIOLET: Hey.

This is for that boy

who messed with your hoo-hoo.

- Don't--

- Shhh!

It worked on Dale, okay?

Everything's in the pouch.

Thanks, Auntie.

Hey! Pay attention!

Okay, you go into a dark room

and you mix everything together,

and then you put it in a bush.

At night!

That's it, problem solved.

He'll never bother you again.

Thanks, Auntie.

Oh, no problem.

Don't even think about it!

[scoffs]

This is some bullshit!

WANDA: Hey

Do you think I can take some

Tylenol and wikkaii root

together?

I don't know.

Geez.

Some doctor you're gonna make.

SHELLEY: Make your mom

a spirit plate?

HARLEY: Okay.

Um

"The past is more

than a memory."

JT said that.

Justin Timberlake?

John Trudell!

Oh

[under her breath]

Timberlake

VIOLET: That's a monstrous

spirit plate.

And I thought she liked

salt and vinegar chips.

SHELLEY: It was ketchup.

'Cause it's like the red road.

Eh?

[all chuckle]

SHELLEY: Do it

your own way, my girl.

[rock music playing

on radio in background]

THE FOX: Ah

Busted mixer, eh?

Rocking too hard?

[laughs]

I've been there myself.

Yeah, me and Violet were

in the middle of laying a riff.

We make a dece duo.

Oh!

Like Billy Ray and his mullet.

- Sure.

- Which one are you?

The mullet?

Billy Ray!

[both laugh]

I don't know!

You know, me and Shakes Mackay

from The Shadows

were the dream team

back in the day.

I know!

Neechie rock legends.

Yeah.

Those were the best times

of my life.

Yeah.

So, when did you know

you weren't gonna make it big?

What? You think

I'm not gonna make it big?

No, no, no, no, no!

Never mind! Sorry.

Listen.

I can fix this for you.

If you go on a mission for me.

Can I talk to you for a second?

One second.

So how'd you two meet?

Uh

the bus.

Ha-ha! The bus!

And what better place

to bring a rando from the bus

than family dinner?

Oh, see, she's not a random.

We've got a connection.

Hm, you sure?

Sorry, what did you say

her name was again?

Dingle, you said?

Oh!

Dongle, my apologies.

Yo, Dongle!

WESLEY: [quietly]

Don't!

Real strong connection

between the two of you.

Where's your man at, huh?

I mean,

I'd love to meet him again.

He's on his way.

I actually just paged him.

- You just paged him?

- Mm-hm. I did.

Yeah, sure, yeah.

No-show, huh?

SHELLEY: Wesley.

Come help me give out bannock.

Make sure you save a piece

for Ronald McDongle.

Drop it!

Get away from that phone!

And don't come back.

[buttons beeping]

[grunts]

Call me back, jerkwad!

What the hell was that?

Stop stirring sh*t.

Don't even!

You're the sh*t-stirrer.

Trying to make me jealous.

Why do you even care?

I don't.

Who you bringing

to the round dance, huh?

I heard there's a lot of real

nice ladies at the laundromat.

What?

[sighs]

I don't know about this.

Remember that time

you "fixed" the lawnmower?

Took off on its own

and ran over a squirrel.

[laughs]

He walked it off.

Barely!

Fine!

Just his tail!

Mission accomplished!

Ohhh!

Yee-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Here we go, here we gooo!

- Enjoy!

- Oh, I will, I will, I will.

Mmm.

Oh

Eugh

- Dude no!

- Eugh, eugh!

VIOLET: Come on!

That's my university catalogue!

THE FOX: Who made this?

It tastes like battery acid!

[machine whirs]

Oh!

He fixed it!

- Thanks!

- Thanks, Uncle.

Okay, if we power through,

we can rough the bridge

and do vocals.

Sweet, okay.

I'm still working on the lyrics,

but I really like what you did

with the chorus.

I just need something else.

Oh, the words'll come!

We'll be done in time for Stinky

& the Man's Battle of The Bands.

Hell, yeah.

HARLEY: Violet?

Violet, we need to go right now!

Something happen with Jay?

We need to track him down.

Oh okay.

Okay, yeah.

You're not leaving?

Sorry, I

I have to.

Vi, come on!

- Uh, seriously?

- Sorry.

It's her mom's birthday.

Alright, so how much

ribs do you want?

We have four or five--

Alright,

type in his phone number.

Yo, watch it!

Oh, not you.

Uh, no shame, no shame.

I full-on demolished a rack

of ribs right after a break-up.

Yo, Wanda's gonna

freak out if she sees this.

Those files are confidential.

Restaurant-client privilege.

We need to find Harley's

lying snake of

a boyfriend's address.

Ohh!

Well, why didn't

you just say so?

The account files

are right over there.

VIOLET: Did you just

hang up on a customer?

Priorities.

Wait,

this isn't even his account.

Oh

It's authorized under

a guy named Wayne?

Ever heard of Wayne?

- No.

- Or Stephanie.

There's a Stephanie here.

Steph!

Yes, his cousin was Steph.

So

what do we do now?

We PI the PI.

You know, hold a stake-out

at his house, frig.

VIOLET: How much longer

are we gonna sit here?

Till he shows his mug.

Oh, these frickin' blow.

Fox's old Indian Affairs

glasses are just brutal.

Coke Bottle!

You're not supposed to wear

someone else's prescription.

You know, you retain more

when you wear glasses.

- Says who?

- Science, boi!

Whatever!

I need to go find a bush

and take a whiz.

Enough of this clownery.

Did, uh, Showboat say

what she was up to tonight?

Showboat, huh?

You don't gotta know

all my business.

Buddy.

We're dunzo for realzo.

She told me right after

the Bonovision show.

Damn Bonovision.

It's Jonovision.

It's Jonathan Torrens, man!

Show some respect.

[in mocking voice] She needs

to be with someone more serious.

I'm not ambitious or whatever.

You know, she wants to

be a big a rock star.

Like that's even a real job!

I don't know why you're all

so gung-h* on leaving Winnipeg.

You know you can go from

the sweat lodge

to the mall real quick.

Yeah, with just

a little bit of racism.

Still our land.

[dog whining]

What the hell is that?

I think it's Jay's dog.

Same home phone number

written on his weird collar.

- She's beautiful.

- He's hideous!

It's our golden ticket!

[dog whines]

CHERYL: Grab that promo gear.

["Unravelling"

by sh*t Present playing]

Oh lucky me ♪

Karma cured my disease ♪

Now I'm down on my knees ♪

Unravelling ♪

Unravelling ♪

♪

[1980's pop music

playing on radio]

VIOLET: Guys,

what are we even gonna say?

CHERYL: What in

the fancy dance is that?

Hey, this thing yours?

Oh my God, Mojo!

Mojo, baby, oh,

you come to Mommy, yes!

You've been a bad boy, Mojo!

You've been

a very bad boy, yeah?

Mommy's practicing her routine.

Now go inside. Go!

[Mojo yapping]

Shouldn't you put it inside?

Okay.

Can I help you?

'Cause I just, you know, really

need to get on with my routine.

Yeah, we're, uh,

just doing a little

Uncle Sizzle's Survey.

Yeah, you get, uh,

free pizzas for one whole year.

Oh, okay, alright.

But make it quick, yeah?

So what's your first name?

For statistical purposes.

I'm like a freaking gazelle.

Uh, Stephanie!

S-T-E--

Uncle Sizzle's demands to know

who else lives here.

Uh okay.

My parents, Beth and Wayne,

uh, my husband, Jay,

and our little baby,

Jay Jr., obviously.

So, who's home right now,

Stephanie?

Okay, I think we have

everything that we need!

Uh, do I--

do I get a voucher, or--

Yeah, of course!

Just keep an eye

out on your mailbox!

Come on!

HARLEY: He told me

Steph was his cousin!

You might wanna work

on that one-two step.

Otherwise you're not

gonna land that spin.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, yeah.

- [laughing]

- [laughing mockingly]

That's-- that's my ribbon!

That's my ribbon!

[1980's pop music playing]

I know that I'm

what you're looking for ♪

I feel dangerous! ♪

VIOLET: Harley,

he's frickin' married!

Yo!

Jay's some kid's dad !

We better, uh, get outta here

before we end up

on the Maury show.

Oh, no, no, no!

It don't end like this!

So, you guys coming or what?

Go on, then!

VIOLET: Ugh, we can't

lose our ride!

HARLEY: This is important!

So, we steal his dog back?

Okay, let's leave

Mojo out of this.

[Mojo barks in distance]

MICKEY: What do we have here?

Friggin' Mickey Carp!

What the hell

are you doing here?

HARLEY: She's prolly here

'cause she jacked all the kids

in the west end so she's trying

to steal from rich people.

Yeah, you tell anyone

from the west side

you seen me around here,

I'll beat yer asses.

You live here?

What, a Neechie can't

live in a big ol' mansion?

r*cist.

Let's go.

I'm sorry, but nothing

can change the fact

that Jay's married.

Whoa what's this?

Dude drama?

My man's cheatin' on me

with his wife, okay?!

MICKEY: Whoa, double-dippin'.

You wanna f*ck him up?

- Yeah!

- No!

He has a baby, Harley.

Listen, I live by one rule

and one rule only.

You don't let no man

disrespect you.

Clam up!

What would you do?

I say

we start by tagging his house

with a big, ol' set

of hairy ba*ls.

VIOLET: Harley can't

even draw a d*ck.

All of her dicks

look like clouds.

I said ba*ls.

What have you got in mind?

He loves his ride.

Sugar in the gas tank?

Pffft.

Amateur hour.

Harley, I'm not going down

this road with you.

Yo, f*ck this geek

off the street.

I got your back, girl.

Don't be an idiot!

HARLEY: Are you for real?

Yeah, thanks for having my back!

Come on.

Harley, you better

not bring cops to my house!

MICKEY: They build all these

mansions outta thick walls

with concrete, like dungeons

from the olden days

and stuff.

You can't hear screams.

Can't hear nothin'.

HARLEY: Sick!

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Don't bring girls around here

if you've got something

with Harley.

What are you talking about?

I saw what I saw.

I didn't raise no tipi creeper.

Tipi creeper?

No, Harley's got a boyfriend.

And she's family.

Today is a hard day for her.

I know.

Your choices impact others,

my boy.

Okay, I get it, Mom.

You decide what you want

before you go breaking

something you can't fix.

Is that girl's name

really Dongle?

Uh

You scared the sh*t out of me.

Ill, right?

Alright.

You gotta cover your face

in case someone around here

has security cameras.

Other than that, we got about

20 minutes until someone calls

Roland from private security.

But, uh

we can outrun him.

He's like a turtle

with sideburns.

- Are you getting soft?

- No, I'm not!

Alrighty, then.

Let's teach loverboy a lesson.

[The Fox singing karaoke]

When all is said and done

you're still the one ♪

Yeah!

[people cheering]

WANDA: Woo, woo, woo.

WANDA: I think it's time to

learn a new song there, eh, bud?

THE FOX: Oh, Wanda.

Hey, my girl!

Honey, aw.

SHOWBOAT: Let's do our song!

- Come on, come on!

- ALL: Oh!

Come on, it's just us!

VIOLET: Showboat,

I'm not in the mood!

SHOWBOAT: You need to work

on your stage presence!

- Come on, you got this.

- Do it, do it, do it!

WANDA: Woo-hoo!

Go!

SHOWBOAT: Okay?

Two, three, four

[playback starts]

ALL: Woo! Yes!

[cheering]

[metal unsheathes]

["Follow" by Cayetana playing]

I have these

feet that follow me ♪

And a brain

that won't catch up ♪

I have these things

inside of me ♪

That I'm always throwing up ♪

Did things change? ♪

MICKEY: You're f*cked now,

lover boy.

Or did I stay the same? ♪

[all cheering]

Did things change? ♪

Or did I stay the same? ♪

I'm a mirage and you ♪

You will not find me ♪

If you're

looking forward, you're ♪

You're right behind me ♪

I'm a mirage and you ♪

You will not find me ♪

If you're

looking forward, you're ♪

You're right behind me ♪

- [Mojo barking]

- MICKEY: sh*t!

JAY: Hey, hey!

Who's there?

Get away from my car!

[Mojo barking]

Wait

What the f*ck?

♪

Oh

ba*ls?

Bear ba*ls?

SHOWBOAT: Woo,

give it up for Violet!

[all cheering]

VIOLET: And Showboat!

[cheering continues]

[both laugh]

♪