02x05 - Bidai

[bunniefuu]

Prince Omar? Care to tell your parents
about what happened at school today?

I don't like the sound of that.

He was protesting the curriculum
his teacher provided.

Come with me, young man.

Omar. One day the city of Bidai
will be yours to rule.

You will make a great leader one day,
Omar. One who leads by example.

That means respecting
your superiors along the way.

Run along now. It'll be time
for bed soon enough.

Oh, this is fun, isn't it?

Welcome back to "Rock as*ault." I'm here
with TainT front man, Theo Hornsby.

Now, your new album, "Drown Your Sibling,"
has come under fire

because of its strong
anti-parent, anti-authority lyrics.

MLK. Malcolm X. Tupac. What do they have
in common? They're all exactly like me.

You see, the establishment
wants us silenced.

But I got a little message for them...

Sorry, but TainT's gonna dominate
the radio waves till the end of time.

When you're in TainT Nation,
you're in for life.

We ain't gonna stop for no one.
Neither is radio.

Or physical media.
Suck it down!

Awesome, Theo.

Hey! You met our hype man, Moey D?
Moey, get over here!

Let's watch the video
for the album's first single...

"Two in the pink,
One in the stink."

Okay, time for bed, young man.

Mother? Father? f*ck you.

{\an8}Yes! My porno mags are here!

{\an8}"Our beloved King has invited
you to the city of B...

"Our beloved King..."

Hey, man! My renter's insurance
won't cover that!

Good evening, gentlemen. It's me,
the President of the United States.

You must be the two remaining members
of NuMetal band TainT.

You're here because you've been invited
to perform live

for the newly appointed King of Bidai.
This is King Omar.

He's recently lifted the ban on NuMetal
which was enacted

by his own parents decades ago.

He's also a high-level threat
to national security. Roll the tape.

Yeah, you love it. Yeah, oh, yeah.

This video was stolen from the White House
and is currently in his possession.

We need you to get it back.

I'm very embarrassed about it, and that
makes me a prime target for blackmail.

Who knows what I'm capable of?
I could give up nuclear codes.

You do not want that on your conscience.

Agent Gubbins here will accompany you
as your promotional tour manager.

Let me get this straight.
You want us to turn our back

on a member of TainT Nation?
You can suck it, dawg!

You boys don't have to lift a finger.

All you got to do is put on your little
show and keep him distracted.

"Little show"?! You know what? I don't
like you, dude! I don't like you one bit!

After this is over, we're done.
We're finished, you and me. Got it?

So, I take it you're in?

I'm the President
of the United States. Say it.

The heck are you doing, bird brain?

- What did you say to me?!
- What?!

- You call me a f*ck' bird brain?!
- On accident!

You were ridin' my a*s! Let's see
how you like it, mother f*ck!

Me and my big mouth!
Why am I such a hot head?!

You're in a world of f*ck' pain!

C'mon, Moey, don't be a d*ck!

An all-expense-paid trip!
All we got to do is play one show!

I guess it would be nice to get away
from my problems.

Can't get much further away
than the Middle East, right?

Stebe, don't you think this
is happening really fast?

You've never mentioned wanting
to go to the Middle East.

There's a lot of stuff I want
to do I've never told you about.

Like buying a fedora or zip-lining.

Plus, it'll be nice to hang with Theo
and spend some time together.

I barely see the guy.

What the heck are you talking about?
You live and work together.

Yeah, but you've got me p*ssy-whipped.
Everyone knows that.

I need some space
to spread my wings!

How about I just drop you guys off
at a stroke joint and see what happens?

I'm going to Bidai, Deb! I'm going to miss
you so much. I don't deserve you.

- Hey, are you okay? You're acting crazy.
- Deb, we're gonna make it through this.

We just got to keep our heads down
for a while.

By the way, it's not a big deal,

but if a chubby Hulk Hogan type guy
stops by and is looking for me,

just tell him I'm dead.

Hey, MJ. Whoa, look at you.
You're gettin' big!

Moey Jr! Moey Jr, get inside!
Don't mind him.

He's just a salesman.
He sells porno mags.

- What?!
- Get inside!

I don't sell porno mags!
Why would you tell him that?!

What are you doing here? If he finds
out his father is a little person,

it could cause him to stop growing.
You heard the judge.

I just came to tell you I got something
in the works...

TainT's getting back together
for a show in Bidai.

TainT?! Our son needs a father
who has self-respect, Moey!

Not one who subjects himself to physical
abuse for a bunch of nostalgic idiots.

This is bigger than that. It won't make
a lot of sense right now,

but I think it'll be something Moey Jr.
can be proud of.

Fine, whatever. Sorry I said
the porno mags thing.

Back on top, baby!

Take it easy, alright?
Got enough on my plate.

I don't need to babysit
a bunch of drunk has-beens.

Convincing tour manager, dude.
What, did you go to Juilliard?

We live on the knife's edge around here,
Gubbins.

Better get used to... oh, sh*t!
I haven't taken my Lipitor!

Oh, my God! I got to get out of here!
He's going to k*ll me!

He's gonna k*ll me!

Stebe?

I wanted to go see the c*ck.

Don't mind me, people! Just get
a little nervous on these flights!

You know how it
is! Have a great flight!

So, this is Bidai, huh? Big airport!
What am I, in the Middle East or LAX?

What is this, SFO? Or maybe it's O'Hare!
Can't be Logan, could it?

You piece of sh*t! You almost compromised
our whole God damn mission!

I would never compromise a TainT show.
You know that, Theo!

Look, I just... I got a guy back home
who wants me dead, okay?

I just had to dip out of the sh*t
for a while.

Did you have to hide in my bag?!
I have no clothes now!

I'm gonna have to wear
this the whole time!

Anyway. How many airports
you think I can name? Sea-Tac? JFK?

- Burbank Airport, AKA Bob Hope Airport?
- You piece of sh*t!

Yes! This is what
I'm talkin' about!

Hey, look!
There's a Burger Boyz here!

Alright, gather around, boys.
So, according to intel,

the floppy disk should be somewhere
inside the King's penthouse.

During the show, I'll need you guys
to play loud.

Like, real f*ck' loud.
Like Nine Inch Nails. Or Filter.

That should give me enough cover
to ransack the place, find it,

and rendezvous with the chopper
in the adjacent tower.

I like it. I just got one follow-up.
What floppy disk?

And what's on it?
And why are we looking for it?

Wait, so you're just gonna get what
you need and then you're just gone?

- What about us?!
- Trust me.

I never leave a trace behind.
They won't suspect a thing.

So, you are the Americans,
here to entertain the king.

And you must be... General Salad.
Nice to meet you, General Salad!

Men... Guys, this is General Salaad,
head of the King's Army.

The King would like to see you all
in his penthouse. Immediately.

He will be out shortly.
Don't touch anything.

"Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee."

Oh, my God! Something's happening to
my d*ck! Look what happens when I pee!

Oh, God!

Look at your f*cking faces!

You guys are too much!
It's a g*n, not my p*nis.

Those were b*ll*ts, not my pee!
Look at Moey D.

He's like, "This guy pees b*ll*ts?"
You guys are f*cking hilarious.

Hey, there's the man himself...
Theo Hornsby!

Alright, get off me, you weirdo.
I'm kidding.

You guys like my little bachelor pad?
Got every top-of-the-line sports car here.

Bro, is that what I think it is?

Oh, my God.

Yep. Assuming you think it's Ryan
Gosling's jacket in the movie "Drive."

Paid 12 million for it.
Got off easy, if you ask me.

So cool!

So, what are you waiting for, guys?
You guys ready to tear it up in Bidai?

To TainT Nation!

Are you kidding me?!

This man is a living legend! Have you
ever seen Moey D injury supercut?

- The what?
- Play it! Play that sh*t, Omar!

Computer on the TV?
Now I have seen everything.

- Is it hot in here?
- Shut up! Here it is!

- I remember that one!
- Of course you do! I broke your face!

I didn't realize you were
so funny, Moey!

Oh, my God! What a f*cking idiot!

Our son needs a father who
has self-respect, Moey!

...subjects himself to physical abuse
for a bunch of nostalgic idiots...

...self-respect...

Oh, damn!

You think that's funny, you guys know
about the grape-stomping lady?

Don't you f*cking touch that!

Oh, God. I'm not feeling too good.

Get comfortable, everyone.
We got 58 minutes left!

Only 58?!

Oh, no! He fell!

Wow, what kind of lightweight dies
from booze? What a loser.

You're the moron who got us into this.
We got to get out of here!

What are you talking about?!

Now we can do the show and not worry
about this stupid espionage mission.

Listen, moron!
I think they poisoned him!

And if they know about him,
they know about us.

No. He's right, Moey.

- What?
- Theo's right. We got a gig to perform.

You're not in the band.

Oh, really? 'Cause it seems to me you guys
are down one tour manager.

What do you say, Theo?
You ready to rock this joint?

You're not gonna be our
tour manager, Stebe!

You just watch me!

It looks like your friend
is sleeping quite soundly.

A shame he will miss your little show.

Better get a move on.

Mama Mia! How many buttery
n*pples did I have last night?

First, you legalized Max.

And I let it slide due to its access
to HBO's original content.

Then, you lift the ban
on this NuMetal trash.

And as a result, you've allowed a spy
to waltz into our kingdom

and undermine our national security.

What?

The so-called tour manager
is a U.S. operative!

They are here to steal
the disk out of your vault.

- What?
- Those friends of yours?

They're working with the United States
government.

They're trying to make a fool out of you.

Theo would never do that
to a member of TainT Nation!

Enough!

It's time for you prove your loyalty
to Bidai over this... TainT Nation.

We poisoned the agent's drinks last night.
He won't be a problem.

But the others?
That is your mess to clean up.

Alright, look. I think you were right.
They definitely want to k*ll us.

But I got a plan. We put on a show
so God damn good,

they can't k*ll us...
due to our immense talent.

Are you f*cking delusional?!
Stebe, gimme an update.

Got a guy in Florida who runs a talent
show out of an alligator sanctuary.

We're talking headliner status, baby.

You're supposed to be calling
the U.S. Embassy!

Let's not go crazy, bud.

Alright! What up, Bidai?!

How y'all feeling tonight?!

Play.

- Moey, pick it up!
- f*ck off, as*h*le!

What the f*ck has gotten
into you, dude?!

Don't you get it?
I'm done with you, Theo!

I'm done with the band! I'm not gonna let
you exploit me anymore!

They're losing 'em.

This thing's going off the rails.
Someone's got to do something.

He's like a giant medicine ball!

- Stebe, get off the f*cking stage!
- I'm trying to save the show!

Enough!
Omar, if you're going to k*ll them,

you k*ll them now! Just give the order.
Ready your weapons!

Don't do it, Omar!
You're a member of TainT Nation.

Pulling that trigger would make
you a bona fide poser!

You betrayed TainT Nation when
you came to my city to undermine me

and appease your puppet masters
in the States! You were my hero!

Yeah, because I was blinded by the idea
of getting on stage with my best friend

and putting on a show for you,
a true ride or die!

Our allegiance goes way beyond
whatever stupid sh*t

our countries are fighting over!

Your mother and father banned
NuMetal for you, Omar.

To ensure that you would be
the leader that Bidai needed.

NuMetal ain't a weekend retreat, b*tch!
It's a way of life! Don't you remember?

Omar, don't let them down!

I'm sorry, Theo,
but the only allegiance I have...

...is to TainT Nation!

No!

No! King Omar!

- Told you it wasn't my d*ck.
- You did. You did say that!

He did say that.
That's what he said, and it wasn't.

Here. Take this. It's a disk
with the video of your president

humping the ottoman.
It's good for a laugh.

Thank you, King.

And, Stebe, these are for you.

Now go. Drive.

This gig's a wash.
Let's get you boys out of here.

There's no way we can make it
to the other tower in this thing!

You let me worry about that.
Just sit back and keep lookin' pretty.

Moey, I'm sorry if you thought TainT
was just using you or whatever!

Truth is, you getting thrown into stuff,
that was when we were at our best.

Besides myself, you were always
my favorite member of the band.

You thought of me as a member?

Get out of the car, milk drinker!

Now you're in for it, m*therf*cker!

Listen to me.
We may have our differences.

But right now, we're on an important
mission for the good of our country.

So, you're either with us or against us.

I'll hold 'em off!

The Lambo's trashed!
We can't get across!

Here! Use this to shimmy down!
Get on out of here, y'all!

I got a better idea.
Toss me across, Theo.

But it's too far!

We've trained all our lives
for this moment. We can do this.

Y'all go home now. I got this!

My best friend.

Moey!

f*ck NuMetal!

Now, that is NuMetal!