01x10 - Craftopia

[bunniefuu]

So then I thought, "Why should I
write a freakin' essay

when y'all can just go straight
to my channel, ZanePranks,

and watch me pull some of the
sickest pranks on the internet?"

That a good enough "passion" for you?

Yes! Yes!

My man Zane knows how to throw
a wrench in the system.

You've got a fan up here, Zane.

Don't forget it, brah.

Alrighty, next up we have...

...Matt Hornsby.

"My Passion, by Matt Hornsby."

"Every day after school, I run home

to play my favorite
computer game, Craftopia.

I've been playing for a year now
with my friend donutfart69.

Donut's server can support
up to 50 players.

It's just the two of us
right now, but that's okay.

Together, we built the entire
world from the ground up.

It has a big farm with cows,
pigs, sheeps, and goats.

The harvest keeps our villagers
nice and fed.

They live in a big town
that we built for them.

At first, they kept getting
eaten by forest ogres."

"But ever since we built the city wall,

they've become a thriving community.

We've still got a lot of work to do.

We're building a new super castle,

where we can both live
and watch over our empire.

It's a lot of work.

But it's nice to have something
to look forward to."

Craftopia? I haven't played that game
since I was f*cking 4.

Yeah, Matt. What are you, a baby?

A little baby?

Hands up! Hands up now!

Lay your hands flat on the ground.

- Put your hands in your pockets!
- Put your hands in my pockets!

- Why's that light blinking?
- It's just my computer.

Put 'er down!

Alright, kid, we got a tip
Muammar Gaddafi's hiding in here.

- Where is he?
- Who?

Smile for the camera, everyone.

Y'all just got ZanePranked.

Zane, is this another swatting prank?

Swatting a Simp from School
prank number 6.

Can't you arrest him for that?

You nuts? You know how many subs
my guided meditations channel

got after Swatting a Simp number 2
dropped?

Thanks for the tag, Zane.

Alright, boys. Let's clear out.

You know what I like about Zanepranks?

You can tell they're coming
from a good place.

Dad, I don't understand
why you can't just buy me a new computer.

Because, in this family, we're
not just given things, Matt.

That's what your pop-pop here
taught me when he gave me

this job in exchange
for a weekly allowance.

He said, if I worked hard enough,
then maybe he'd put me on the payroll.

Then, after he dies, maybe
I could take his place as CEO.

Now look at me... the CEO-in-waiting
of Royal Crackers.

Today, you could be starting
down the same path.

- I'm gonna get paid?
- Yes. Out of my weekly allowance.

How much will I be making?

Ha! Hear that, Dad? I can't see.

Who is that over there, Mark Cuban?

Yeah, heh! Maybe I'm gonna
be the next CEO.

Over my dead f*cking body!

You trying to start
a w*r you can't win, as*h*le?

Well, here we are...
the taste-testing department.

This is my favorite place
to spend my downtime.

- Stebe!
- Hey, guys. Comin' in!

Hey, that tickles!

They love this!

Everyone, I want you all to meet your new
co-worker, Matt Hornsby.

Hi, Matt.

So what are we working on today?

Got a new flavor we're testing? Mm!

- Stebe, that's drywall.
- Blech!

Alright.

Yes, it's very funny.

Yeah.

Okay.

Enough! God, you guys take it too far!

You just don't know when to stop!

At a certain point it...
it just becomes malicious!

I'm leaving!

God!

Hey, um...do you guys have
a computer around here?

Yeah, it's right over there.

Oh! Wipeout!

Oh, nothing. I was just, uh...

I was... I was, uh...

...working.

Yes, I was working.

Yes, sir, I'll bring him up right away.

Matthew?

Corporate would like to see you upstairs.

Hello, young man.

Are you gonna say anything or...?

Hello?

How long is this movie?

No. Matt, Jesus Christ,
I'm talking to you directly.

- Pop-pop?
- Allow me to explain myself.

Many moons ago, I spent a hefty
portion of my wealth

to map out my neurological construct
and replicate it onto this computer.

It allows me to keep watch
over my entire empire

with the help of this
state-of-the-art technology.

It's called a router, created by Linksys.

Matthew, I had no idea you wanted
to be part of the Royal cr*cker empire.

Well, I just wanted to make enough money
to buy a new computer.

This kid Zane broke mine as a prank.

My boy, you leave this Zane
to your dear, old pop-pop.

Here he comes.

Hey! Hey! Hey! There he is!

Come on, sit right here next to
Uncle Theo, you fat, little b*tch.

Dig in, Matt. I got us
Okay Panda, your favorite.

The chow mein's right there. Eat.

So, Matt, I went over
to the taste-testing department

to bury the hatchet
over their verbal abuse issues,

and they told me you were
called upstairs by corporate.

Why don't you tell us about that?

Jesus, get your nose
out of his beeswax, dude.

Hey, Matt, ten-plus years
in the music biz, I got a lot

of experience dealing
with these corporate types.

You need advice, you come knock
on Uncle Theo's door anytime.

Or now. You can tell me now.

If you want. Tell me now.

Tell me right now. Tell me.

Matt, your chow mein's
getting cold. Eat it.

Actually, I got a big day tomorrow.

I should get some shut eye.

Goodnight, Pop-pop.

Well, looks like we got
a traitor in our midst.

And I'll give you a hint of who it is.

- He's been inside of me.
- Matt.

Deb, which one of these did you
put this truth serum in?

The chow mein.

Uh, wait, was it the chow mein?

Mr. P?

Zane, I just got off the phone
with the hospital.

Have a seat, bro.

It looks like someone may have tampered

with the axle on your dad's Mercedes.

Apparently, the tires came off their car,

and they crashed
right into a Chucklebee's.

The whole restaurant
was engulfed in flames.

- Like a prank?
- Yeah, Zane.

Like a prank.

Please, Mr. P.,
tell me that they're okay.

Your parents are dead, bro.

Oh, my God, Zane is a loser.

Uh, Zane? It's, uh... it's just a prank.

Wh-What?

Your parents are okay.

Surprise.

You're a d*ck, Mr. P. I hate you!

Thanks a lot.

Don't you forget... you didn't see me.

And then no one will have
to find out about this.

Mr. P. here.

And I'm about to show you what I got.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

How you like me now?

Uh-huh. Huh? That's right.

What's my name?

Ha ha! Smile, bro.
You just got MattZapped.

You see, Matt?

Exploiting weaknesses is the
very soil that nourishes power.

Watch this. Hey, Alfred.

What accident befell you to earn you
that horrid limp, you old goat?

You, uh, y-you, uh, you what?

You... were... were you...
were you working

the... the... the secret service

and had to take a b*llet for John Adams?

Senior?

A bit of a trip,
but we got there eventually.

It's a genetic bone disease.

It's called b*ner...

b*ner? That's the modern coinage
for an erection.

Is... Is he gonna be okay?

Is that sympathy I'm hearing?
You push that down right now.

It's certainly no use
to my next successor.

Successor? You mean CEO?

That's right, there's no one in the world
I'd rather build my empire with, Matthew.

Do you think you have what it takes?

Surprise!

Well, what do you think?

We saw a Gregslist ad
for a computer for sale.

Only a hundred bucks this bad boy.

Can you believe your eyes?

Look at his face. He's about to pass out.

Oh, thanks, guys.

But my life's gotten so much better

since I stopped wasting my time
with trivial endeavors.

- What in the f*ck has happened to you?
- Are you freaking joking me right now?

Okay, you want me to be honest?

This computer is a piece of sh*t.

Hey! You kiss corporate's d*ck
with that mouth?

Corporate treats me better
than any of you ever have.

You're only giving me a computer

so I stop going to work
because you're scared.

And you should be.

And when I'm CEO of Royal Crackers,

first order of business
will be to fire all y'all.

Byeeeee!

Okay, guess what.
The computer wasn't $100.

It was free. Guy couldn't wait
to get rid of it.

We wouldn't have gotten you sh*t
if the pickup address

wasn't so conveniently close
to a Chucklebee's,

where we were headed anyway!

You guys, don't lower
yourselves to his level.

He's just another sheeple
cupping the genitals of corporate America.

Two things I learned
from my man Zach de la Rocha...


the business career of your dreams,

and, 2, How to rage against
these corporate shills.

Watch your back, nutsuck.

No freakin' way.

Hey, Pop-pop,
is it okay if I move in with you?

I brought everything I need.

- Is that for me?
- Yes, it is, Matthew.

You see, we need to talk...
about this Craftopia.

You play Craftopia, too?

No, I don't play Craftopia
'cause I'm not a f*cking baby!

I just have an uncanny talent
for sniffing out shameful endeavors.

- I'm not ashamed of Craftopia.
- Well, you should be.

Matt, if we're going to take
this partnership any further,

I need to know that you're 100% committed
to the expansion of our empire.

I want you to log on to Craftopia
and destroy that little world of yours

and never speak to this donutfart69 again.

Uh, okay. I just won't play anymore.

- I promise.
- Matthew...

I could wait for a new successor.

But there's only one Matt Hornsby.

Please, my boy. Do it for your pop-pop.

See it for what it is...
just a bunch of ones and zeros.

Prove your worth! k*ll them all!

Hilarious! I'm proud of you, Matthew.

Am... Am I CEO now?

Just one more step.

This is the T.H.A.I. microchip, Matthew,

a technological feat
of monolithic proportions.

It allows me to take complete control
of any organic life form.

Al, what are you doing here so late?

I...

I'm playing a computer game about skiing.

Oh. Okay. Well, have fun.

I like skiing.

Well, good for you.

I like when there's a fresh
sheet of gnar pow on the slope

and I can be the first
to shred it with my skis.

Al, I hope this isn't weird to say,
but each one of these sentences

is making you way cooler in my eyes.

Really? Why, thank you, Stebe.

Uh, where are you headed?

Is there a gymnasium in this building?

Who needs a gym when we've got
the taste testers in there?

I just go in and start throwing fists.

All we do is make
a small, painless,

practically invisible incision
on your scalp.

The chip slips right in and grants me
access to all neurological function.

So what are we waiting for?

Strip down and hop onto that
surgical table, you little ragamuffin.

Uh, I don't know about this, Grandpa.

- Well, what's the hesitation here?
- I don't know.

I don't know what I want anymore.

But I do know what we want, Matthew...

to expand our brand,
get into chips and salsas.

start an entertainment arm.

We can write Westerns,
and I'll star in them.

I am very handsome.

But you won't look like you.
You'll look like me.

Oh, right, but I-I do feel like we...
we both like chips and salsas, right?

Matthew, do not trust another word
from this monstrous abomination.

I'm no longer doing
your bidding, Theodore.

Alfred! You need me to pull out
the big g*ns?

- Do your worst, sunshine.
- Well, as you wish.

Matt, I don't mean to sound
like Chad Kroeger right now,

but look at this photograph.

It's big, manly Alfred,
on a ski trip with some gal pals.

Oh, yeah. Looks fun.

It was fun, until I obtained
this "horrid limp"

trying to pull a sick 180.

W-Wait, wh-what do you mean it looks fun?

Who straps elongated shoes to their feet
and slithers down a mountain?

A pantywaist, that's who.
Right, Matt?

I'll be honest, Grandpa... I-I don't know
what you're trying to make me feel here.

Okay. Well played, Alfred.

It seems the changing of times
really devalued my hand here.

Look, just... Matt, you have
to take my word for it,

at one point, this photo
would be wildly damning.

The man is manipulating you, Matthew,

just as he did those
taste testers downstairs.

They're the result of his failed attempts
at this preposterous operation.

Grandpa, you told me I was special.

You are special, Matthew. You have my DNA.

Why didn't you ask my dad?

He'd gladly turn his body over to you.

Yeah, I'll pass, thanks.

Okay, you know what? I'm out of here.

Al, one call to the police,
and I can end both of us.

Now hold the boy down
while this quack sticks him

with one of his sleep needles.

Okay, Mr. Hornsby.

But you should know
that I already called the police

with an anonymous tip
that this is the safehouse

of Muammar Gaddafi.

Duck and cover.

Gaddafi!

Router!

- Doctor!
- Open fire!

Yeah, baby!

What the hell?
What happened to the security doors?

- Why aren't they closing?
- Looks like your router's shot.

You're disconnected
from the whole building.

Uh, okay, we can fix this.

How much does a Linksys
router cost? $10,000?

Matthew! You're gonna leave me
all by my lonesome?

I'm your pop-pop.

No, you're not.
You're just a bunch of ones and zeros.

Fine. Go. You think I need you? Ha!

I have a vivid imagination
with screenplay ideas

that will entertain me for years to come!

Do you hear me?

Hello?

I'm sorry I exposed you
to all that, young man.

Your grandfather... well...

I get it. The A.I. became corrupted.

That's not who Pop-pop really was.

Yeah.

Matthew, I spent a lot of my life

in shame over my love for skiing.

Well, to quote the great
thespian Nicolas Cageman

in the film "Adaptations,"
"You are what you love.

You are only what you love."

Thanks, Uncle Al.

But just so I'm clear... this whole time,
you were completely on board

with letting an A.I. take over my body?

I...

look, I was very embarrassed about skiing.

And you cried all night

Till you created a stream
and it flows forever

It's made of dreams

That didn't come true

And I'm sorry there's nothing more

That I can do

When we get together

Take apart my fantasy

And when we're done

We'll work on you

Yes, we lie emotionless,
staring at the ceiling

Your back turned up against the wall

And now I clearly see

Straight to the back of my skull

And I'm shivering

All night long

Yes, my skin is clear, and you can see

What I'm thinking

I'm thinking hard about

All the things I've been dreaming

I've been dreaming about you

And only you

Turning land into waste

But it could be worse, yeah

Things could be so much worse