01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

I'm so pleased we started

making our dates biweekly.

They're so blissful

I just lose track of time.

We finish in 15 minutes.

This is just perfect.

There's nothing I'd change

about you,

or our relationship, or me.

No? You wouldn't change yourself

to be more empathetic

or self-aware or a better listener?

Sorry, darling, I didn't catch

any of that.

Couple's photo?

This is my trusty

point and sh**t.

I videoed the Bush vs Gore debates

on this thing.

What, were you just filming

the TV screen?

Yep.

Smile!

How long's the timer?

Oh, it's recording, my love.

Capturing every moment.

Remember, God is always

watching. Not in a creepy way.

Can we talk here?

Are they listening?

That just lets you hear the sermon

while you're sh1tting.

It's a good system.

I've had my most prayerful

experiences in that cubicle.

It doesn't feel secure.

So, fill me in on

your night of passion.

He, um made me a birthday cake.

OK.

Did he burst out of it?

Eat it off you? Were you the plate?

No, we just

..had it together.

Wow.

That is incredible gossip.

Do you mind if I smoke?

I get cravings when I'm bored.

It It was sweet.

You're disappointed.

No I thought you were a

pleasureless chastity droid,

but you're just a bag of ugly

chemicals like everyone else.

This is your fault. You made me

believe he was going to kiss me,

and instead

..he just said we were friends.

He probably only said that cos

you're so buttoned up.

If I were to free associate a Rachel

word cloud, it'd be stuff like

petrified, puritan,

sexually repressed,

sexless, no sex. Yeah, OK.

Look, you're a woman with a human

right to pursue love, liberty,

and d*ck, or at least hands stuff.

If you're so worried about it,

you could just ask him out.

sh*t. I've blown your actual mind.

Just don't get caught and exiled

from your whole family.

The thought that this could

ruin my entire future

makes this a lot less exciting.

You and me are really different.

Oh, my goodness.

Andrew looks Oh, the Lewises!

Totally ridiculous. I know.

Forgive the Lycra.

It's the official colours

of the '96 British rowing team.

I've heard it all now.

So you're a wannabe?

An aquatic wannabe?

Quite right, David.

I was selected but didn't compete.

Selected? What, at county level?

County, national, and Olympic.

Ah, I see you're admiring

Mary's tree. Who's Mary?

Andrew's wife, David.

Right. Andrew's dead wife.

She's from a fragile Japanese

seed stock.

Ordinary soil could k*ll her.

But now I've boxed her in an

enriched loam, she is thriving.

Excessively thriving. That tree has

grown into my airspace.

It needs pruning. David

Mary was so full of life, it's no

wonder she's sprouting so strongly.

I suppose I could cut it back

a tiny

Size her down or I will.

I don't care whose soul is inside.

Right.

You're ten minutes late, Rachel.

Yours is cold on the table.

If I'd kept it warm in the oven,

you'd never learn.

Sister Angeli and I were

reading Psalms and

..got lost in the poetry

of the language.

It can happen.

Aaron, didn't we say you'd stop

drawing people being purged?

We said no family.

These are other kids.

Huh, weird.

They look uncannily like boys

from your school.

Rob and Tom, yeah.

Look closely. You can see Tom's

screen reflected back in Rob's eye.

Oh.

Maybe you should take a break

from drawing, Aaron.

Art is about feelings, Dad.

If I don't draw, I'll bottle

them all up.

Yes, good. Bottle them up.

Can I ask a question?

Please, let's talk about a less

weighty topic.

If I was excluded,

would you shun me?

Could you do that

to your own daughter?

David, a word.

Do you not have an answer?

We do. I just want to make sure your

father knows what it is.

David, this feels like an important

parenting moment.

Mm. Like when she asked why a loving

God would create nits.

Would we really be able

to cut her off?

Simple. We say we would shun her,

then she'll never step out of line

and we won't ever have to.

Oh, that's smart, Fiona.

OK, let's let her know

in a sensitive way.

Rachel, to answer your question,

of course we'd shun you.

We'd shun you every day of the week.

And thanks for bearing with me.

This is the first meeting

I've ever chaired.

Yes, it showed.

What was that, David?

Please do share.

I said Andrew's inexperience

as a novice really showed.

Now, there's a reason we've been

discussing adultery today.

Unfortunately, Sister Levi

has had an annulment.

Oh, dear.

FYI, an annulment is not divorce.

The chapter's divorce rate

remains at zero.

And your annulment rate?

That's classified.

Elder Samson likes to keep a tight

lid on information.

It took me a whole year just to

learn his real first name. Abijah

The mysterious Bartholomew Samson

Abijah!

Annulment means the union

never took place.

Sister Levi was never married,

and that man and his boyfriend

were never in the Order.

Hey, it's not your fault

he wanted to be one flesh with his

personal trainer.

Garden of Gethsemane!

Please be sensitive, David.

Gone are the days of

overtly h*m*

Order pamphlets preaching damnation.

So you're OK with LGBTQ+ people?

Totally. Yes. No.

We're not OK with them.

Well, he says that, but he's

liberalising. Yesterday, he had

some rainbow Skittles. He wouldn't

have done that two years ago.

Let's use this as a reminder

to listen to each other.

I don't need a reminder

to listen to my wife, Andrew.

David, could you lower your voice,

please? Sweetie, David's talking.

Communication can prevent problems

such as adulterous images.

I should never have got him

that subscription to Men's Health.

It's not cheating to look

at an image.

Adultery is if you hold hands

or kiss lips, right, Samson?

No. Desiring an image is adultery.

Oh.

Right, well, we'll leave David

to ponder whatever is he's done.

Let's wrap up.

So if she never married,

are her kids the result of

extramarital sex?

We're wrapping up.

Lemon squash, please. Make it

a stiff one.

I've got a lot on my mind.

Sister, can I trust

you with a personal secret?

Yes, of course. Yeah.

You see, the Elders have been asking

when I plan to remarry.

How do you feel about that?

I still miss Mary a lot. I sometimes

haul my rowing machine outside

just to exercise

by her memorial tree.

As the wind hits the branches, I can

almost hear her critiquing my form.

"Glutes and thighs, Andrew.

"Glutes and thighs."

I've been wearing her wedding ring

on this chain

for the last five years.

I think it may be time.

Could I perhaps entrust you to keep

it safe for me temporarily?

It's just a discreet favour.

It's not a big deal.

Not a big deal. Oh.

Oh.

Yeah. Sorry.

Just, um, our little secret.

Yeah.

Nice and cloudy.

4:1 - that's the David ratio.

Now, remember,

kids, this is watercolour.

Really wet that canvas.

Run it under a tap if you have to.

Respectfully, Miss Simmonds,

are you qualified to teach Art?

Of course not, Aaron.

I'm not qualified to teach Maths

or History either, but here we are.

Oh, wow.

This is

Jesus and John the Baptist.

My parents asked for less violence,

so I drew them enjoying the

rejuvenating waters of the Jordan.

Yeah. Yeah, they're really

enjoying them.

This is really impressive, Aaron,

and I'm proud of you for being

so brave.

I just want to let you decide

whether or not we display it

to the class,

just cos kids can be so cruel.

I've already put my test sketches

up over there.

So the whole class

has already seen it.

Great.

Hey, what's up?

I was hoping to have

a chill one today,

but apparently I'm about to be

served a court document

Josh, we need to talk.

I like you, but the rules say

what we're doing is wrong,

and my parents will shun me

if I don't follow those rules.

Right. But maybe if they'd shun me,

that means they don't really care

about me and I should make my

own choices. Uh-huh

But the rules are there to protect

us from moral hazards, so Right.

I need to think more.

We were just going to watch a film.

That was really weird.

Got down on one knee? Wow.

For you, that's like getting

a full d*ck pic.

Oh, sh! There's nothing between us.

I'm very happy

with my husband, Andrew.

That was a mistake.

Obviously, I meant to say Andrew.

Oh, relax, Fiona. I know

it's not easy

being married to

a mushroom-headed clot.

Speak of the mushroom

and it will appear.

You unleash your womanhood.

I'm off to get a spray tan.

Next time you see me, I'll be

the colour of an Oompa Loompa,

the problematic ones from the '70s.

Um, David, we need to talk.

Believe me, Fiona, I know.

I have something to confess.

OK. Well, can we speak about

my things first?

A dark, disturbing confession.

Yesterday's session

made me realise

..I've not been faithful.

This is my Tupperware of sin.

Pop the lid off, and if you can

still bear to look at me,

let's talk.

Well, you're still here.

That's something. David,

what the hell am I looking at?

I'll excuse the blasphemy.

I know I've hurt you.

I've got no idea what this is.

The buxom woman in the sun bonnet

holding the grape-laden tray?

I fantasised about us together.

You mean

I imagined us lying in bed

while she

..stroked my hair and told me

about the drying process,

how grapes become raisins.

But the rabbit hole goes

still deeper.

This is from a perfume ad.

I couldn't even tell you her name.

David, this barely even

sounds sexual.

I've broken our marriage vows!

No, you haven't.

Promise me you won't make a big deal

out of this.

I've called a crisis meeting

with the Elders.

I know it might seem

Humiliating?

Yes. Mm-hm.

But to find happiness,

we must cleave to the rules.

Loser!

So, this is it - judgment for

the worst thing I've ever done.

I'm sorry there's so few of us.

It's difficult to get a full quorum

for such a minor infraction.

I'm human trash. I'd like

to make it clear

I don't think this is necessary.

She's being polite.

I know she's deeply offended

by what I did.

No, I'm not.

She's distraught!

You do seem distraught, Fiona.

Yes, I'm distraught this is

happening. Please make it stop.

Request has been made.

The meeting must be held.

Well, can we keep it very quick?

I do not want our neighbour Andrew

finding out about this.

Morning! Andrew's actually leading

the meeting.

Oh!

So, David sent the church this box.

I'm told it contains p*rn*graphy.

That's correct.

Is the porn hidden

under the raisin packets?

Don't you see? I coveted the women

in these pictures.

But you never made use of online

pornographic resources?

Excuse me?

Pornhub? YouPorn?

As a teenager, I succumbed

to these temptations.

I can admit that here among friends.

What are you writing there, Elder?

I'm extending your probation

by six months.

But I was just

Would you prefer nine?

Are you saying this doesn't

constitute adultery?

They're not naked, David. I can say

with confidence

that David has never seen

any woman other than me naked.

And even then, not for some time.

She might as well be naked with that

coquettish smile.

Fiona, I don't think you should

really take that Hello?

I don't think this warrants

further action, David.

You haven't even accessed online

p*rn*graphy. And by the sounds

of it, you wouldn't even know how.

Aaron's in trouble at school.

Well, it seems I am to conduct

my own penance. I'm sorry

that from your high towers

you can't see

how truly depraved I am.

This will remain private, right?

You can make the minutes public

record. I won't hide my shame.

Would you like a hug, Fiona?

Yes, please.

What kind of school is this? You've

got kids ganging up on my son.

You're teaching

there were dinosaurs.

You're not on board with dinosaurs?

Pretty sure if there was such

a thing as a triceratops,

it would have come up in Genesis.

Let me reassure you, David,

The boys who did this to Aaron

will, of course, be suspended.

And the dinosaurs?

The boys will be suspended. Good.

Make it like they never existed.

Just like your so called

Archaeopteryx.

I believe they were bullying Aaron

because of a picture he drew.

Oh, he probably sketched them

being disembowelled or something.

I knew this was going to cause

Hm. Apparently,

they're his Bible heroes.

Impressively detailed. Yes.

So many details.

Obviously, young kids can be

very intolerant. Intolerant?

What are you implying?

Do I need to imply?

I'm going to take my son home now.

Aaron!

And I'm taking the drawing.

To hang it up?

To unpack its meaning.

What have you got there, Dad?

A raisin packet.

Which I'm enjoying for the fruit

it contains. For the right reasons.

It's been a long day.

The powers that be refused to accept

that I cheated on your mother.

Right. When you find someone you

love, you have to fight for them.

Let no obstacle stand in your way.

Even if you do hear the siren call

of a certain cardboard maiden.

Oh.

Thanks, Dad.

For the advice.

Heading out?

See you in a couple of weeks.

What?

I've got a whole plan, Rachel.

Ah!

Ah!

Fiona.

I know I've wronged you,

but I have the solution.

You're going to finally listen

to what I have to say.

I'm going on penance

to my uncle's holiday home.

What? That dilapidated trailer

isn't a holiday home, David.

The water supply is contaminated

by agricultural runoff.

It'll just be me,

the plywood walls and my sins.

And Aaron.

I'm taking Aaron with me. OK.

There's a deeper issue here.

A long-term issue.

Long-term, yes.

I've been amassing that Tupperware

for years.

You're just not listening to me!

I will be heard! I WILL BE!

What is that?!

Oh, yes. For you. 4K.

If the man in the store

is to be believed,

Mary's visions of Gabriel

didn't look this good.

But if you wanted to talk more

Do what you need to do. Thank you.

That's very mature.

My son and heir.

Are you concerned about what I drew?

No, Aaron.

No, I'm concerned

that you're unhappy,

that I haven't been there for you.

I want to rectify that.

So, here's the plan.

We go away to an isolated trailer.

That's it? That's it, Aaron.

The Stairway to Heaven is real.

And her name is the M64.

Hey. You came back.

That would have been one of the

weirdest farewells of all time.

Felt like you were

trying to break-up with me.

Well, that's not technically

possible.

Seeing as we're not exactly

I don't get it.

If he just told her about his ex,

none of this would be happening.

You haven't learned romcom

shorthand yet.

Soon the plot holes will

wash over you like soothing rain.

He's going to start kissing her

in ten seconds.

Don't think so, Josh.

There's a storm

and she's yelling at him,

and now she's pushing him. And

OK. You win.

Please don't go back

to Delaware.

Josh, um

I don't think we should kiss

unless we're going out.

OK.

Do you want to go out?

OK, do you wanna pick some music?

Have you got Worship Songs Volume 3?

Erm got Volume 4.

Volume 4's trash.

There's this tape left by the

previous owners, but those people

hung novelty dice from the mirror.

They were gamblers.

Big fluffy gamblers.

Let's try it. OK.

Steal your soul, Aaron.

I'm opening Pandora's box.

Build Me Up Buttercup

Why do you build me up

Build me up

Buttercup, baby

Just to let me down

Let me down

And mess me around

And then worst of all

Worst of all

You never call, baby

When you say you will

Say you will

But I love you still

I need you I need you

More than anyone, darlin'

You know that I have

from the start

So build me up Build me up

Buttercup,

don't break my heart ♪

This track never gets old, Aaron.

It's our song now. You and me.

An enduring symbol

of our unbreakable bond.

Why do you build me up

Build me up

Buttercup, baby

Just to let me down

Let me down

And mess me around

And then worst of all

Worst of all

You never call, baby

When you say you will

Say you will

But I love you still

I need you I need you

More than anyone, darlin'

You know that I have

from the start