01x07 - Fight or Flight

[bunniefuu]

Man, sure is nice up here.

Let me tell you my man, any day

at thirty thousand
feet is a good one.

Looks like we're
getting some light chop.

Descending to twenty-eight
to get out of it.

You know what Hank?

Why don't we just take this
puppy in for a landing?

Aye aye, Captain.

But first,

we're doing a barrel roll.

You sure, Mark?

You're damn right I'm sure.

It's my signature move, okay?

Every great pilot
has a signature move.

Sully Sullenberger,

he's a river lander.

Maverick, he buzzes towers.

And Mark Hoagies,

he does a barrel roll.

Here we go baby!

Doing a barrel roll,

let's gooooo!

Beautiful Mark.

Hell Yeah!

Great ba*ls of fire baby!

Damnit, Mark --

I've been looking
all over for you!

Tam, not now. Not now!

Oh crap. Oh crap,

no no no no no no no no no.

[crash]

[curtain opens]

You almost had it that time.

Dammit, Tam -- ugh
I was in the zone.

What the hell are
you doing, Mark?

We gotta be out the
door in thirty minutes

and you're playing fricken'
video games! Come on.

This is not a video game, Tam,

this is a flight simulator.

Okay, this is a
serious training tool.

Okay well it looks
to me like a guy

messing around
instead of packing.

I don't even understand
why we gotta go to this

stupid funeral in the
first place, okay?

You barely know the guy.

Yeah Mark, that's
because he's your uncle.

Can't miss your
uncle's funeral, Mark.

You know he's your
uncle too, Hank.

Oh no,

I better go pack.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Well, I used to work
at a hot dog factory.

Until them
robots came along.

And now
there is no job for me

But I get 3,000
bucks a month

Thanks to UBI

Now we're
Universal Basic Guys.

It may not
sound like much.

But we're
still gonna try

We're just
Universal Basic Guys

[beep]

Miss, you have to
take your shoes off.

Oh come on. They're flip-flops.

You can see my feet.

Geez, lady just take
your fricken shoes off.

Okay, Passenger


Okay, we're not even
on the plane yet

and you're about
to make a scene.

I just don't
understand why people

gotta be so rude at the airport.

Well with all due respect Tam,

you're the one who was
on the No Fly List.

Yeah because I actually
stand up to these jerks.

Sorry I have a strong
sense of airport justice.

You broke someone's arm, Tam.

I didn't break his
arm. I broke his pinky.

And the middle seat
gets the armrest.

Everybody knows that!

Sigh...Alright alright.

I promise you I'm not
gonna make a scene today.

Oh crap! We gotta go.

The flight's boarding.

Where's Hank?

[beep]

Heyo Hank, what's the hold up?

I don't know.

Okay. Well we'll
see you at the gate.

Uh... hey boss?

You might want to
take a look at this.

Oh look at this.

It is so great to get out of
Westchester for the weekend

and show the kids a
normal town with, like,

chain restaurants and stuff.

This area actually has
a ton of great spots.

You know I specifically
chose this place

for their table-side
guacamole presentation.

Thought the kids would
get a kick out of it.

Hey Aiden and Ava, look --

he's making our guacamole

according to the ancient Mexican
customs of the Nahuatl people.

Isn't that right?

I don't know.

Sure.

Ugh, your sister's raising some
real screenagers over there.

What's that David?

Oh I was just saying that...

maybe Aiden and Ava could put
their phones down for a bit.

You know? Experience
Glantontown?

Oh really?

You know, I can't wait for
you to have kids some day.

You and me both...

Okay, David.

Here's an idea:

how about you take your niece
and nephew out for a day

with no screens and
we'll see how you do.

Then we can talk
about having kids.

I love that idea.

Okay. Yeah. That sounds great.

And if they have a good time,

which they will,

maybe you'll consider...

“pulling the goalie? ”

The what?

The, uh...

IUD?

Yeah sure.

As long as you stop
calling that stuff

“Gwah-Kah-Moh-Lay. ”

Hey what do you think, guys?

Excited for your big
day with Uncle David?

No.

Come on.

[captain] Sorry for the delay,
ladies and gentleman.

We can't taxi until
everyone is seated

with their seatbelts
fastened-Ma'am,

can I check that for you?

How about you check
your attitude?

Mark, you see this woman?

First with the
flip-flops and now this.

Unbelievable.

Tam, remember what
Dr. Lorefice said:

when you feel the rage,

you take a deep breath and
you distract yourself, okay?

Ooooh look there,

they got the new Magic
Mike, your favorite.

Oh I do love my Channing Taters.

[sigh]

[crunching]

Are you kiddin' me?

What?

You can't bring peanuts

on a flight no more!

Oh come on. They had peanuts
on flights for like 200 years

and nobody got sick

and now all of a sudden
every kid's allergic to them?

Ridiculous.

They are “the ” snack of the sky!

Sigh!

[movie] You want me to teach
animals how to strip?

They're already naked, Mike.

You just have to teach
them how to dance.

[door buzzer]

Sir, I have to ask you
a couple of questions.

Did you pack this bag yourself?

Yeah.

Did you at any time leave
your bag unattended?

Uh...no.

And did you accept anything
from another passenger?

Uh...

no.

Alright, buddy,
then tell me

what's goin' on here.

What are you doing with


You smuggling this meat?

No, I just like hot dogs.

Yeah, you and me both buddy,

but I never thought to pack


I don't know what the
hell you're up to,

but whatever it is,

it ain't kosher.

No, they actually are kosher.

Oh we got a comedian over here!

[tense music]

Well it's not ill*gal to
bring meat on a plane.

I mean maybe he's
just a nut job.

You know who else was crazy?

Ted Kaczynski.

So this guy's what,

the “Hot Dog b*mber? ”

Hot dogs are packed
with nitrates.

You know what else was
packed with nitrates?

The Port of Beirut right
before it exploded.

Get me Quantico.

[water flushes]

Top shelf flight
so far, Captain.

Well thank you.

Appreciate that.

Yeah, real smooth take off.

Nice rotation. Excellent job.

Well thanks.

You a pilot yourself?

I dabble.

Oh yeah?

What do you fly?

Oh man, pfft.

I mean I've flown commercial,

C-130s, F-14s,

DHC-4 Caribous... I
mean if it's in the sky,

I've flown it. You
know what I mean?

Well, I'll be damned!

That is some serious equipment.

You wanna pop into the c*ck,

talk a little shop?

Oh hell yeah, I--
that'd be great.

Yeah, we're not
supposed to do this but,

ah what the heck.


time ago, you know?

[Tammy sniffs]

Oh, now you take them off.

Um... Ma'am?

Would you mind just, like,

using headphones or
turning the sound off?

It's a free country.

“Candy Smash ”.

[sigh] Dear God...

please give me the
strength not to beat

the living daylights
out of this woman.

Yeah just last week I
was flying a modified.

XF-85 Goblin over the Sahara.

Got that puppy to sonic boom.

Let me tell you, the
Camels, they were friggin

crappin' themselves.

This guy knows what
I'm talking about!

Oh my god.

And you think that's something,

I once took a Warthog over
the h* Chi Minh Trail.

I was like...
deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh.

Oh yeah?

I flew A-10s in Desert Storm.

I didn't realize
they were used in.

Aren't you a little
young for Vietnam?

Oh yeah, but I love history.

Let me tell you,
I was doing a World w*r Two

bombing mission and I was
supposed to take out

some oil refinery,

but get this okay--

I took the B-2 over Berlin

and dropped the full payload
on the f ürherbunker man.

Wiped Germany off
the friggin map.

Oh yeah?

You flew a stealth
b*mber in World w*r Two?

Yeah looks like you got a
nasty cumulonimbus over there.

You might wanna yaw
to the left a bit.

Captain, you gonna yaw, or...

Oh crap, yo this guy's
havin' a heart attack.

Wait, are you eating peanuts?

Oh you know it!

Snack of the skies, baby! Right?

He's allergic to peanuts!

Get the EpiPen outta
the first aid kit!

Got it!

Here you go dude.

Not me, you idiot!

Oh. Uh... Well,

you switched seats, okay.

You can't be doing that
when you're wearing

the same uniform.

Okay, now that's a heart attack.

“Okay. ”

“All this person has to do is

live in a tree for one year!

What they don't know is...

I'm gonna set the tree on fire ”

Okay guys, I think it's
time to put our phones away.

Perhaps today we
experience some things IRL?

You're going to regret
this Uncle David.

No,

you're gonna regret
wasting your entire youth

staring at a little screen
instead of being present.

I know you're just doing this so
Aunt Andrea takes out her IUD.

Wait. What?

No!

I just want to show
you guys a good time.

Well, you're not off
to a great start.

What are you talking about?
You're getting a sweet treat.

I want ice cream.

Well water ice is
a local favorite

and also happens to
be less fattening.

Are you calling me fat?

You're body shaming me.

Oh my god no--

you have a great body--

wait... no. I mean--

you're a beautiful
girl. You're beau--

Ew. So sus.

Why is it called water ice?

That's a dumb name.

Yes, I agree okay
it makes no sense,

but I mean c'mon,

look at all these fun
flavors right there.

My favorite flavor is
birthday cake ice cream.

I don't see that option,

so I'm going to try root beer.

It better be good.

Hey there David!

Medium cherry bordeaux?

Haha, you know it.

And how about this little fella?

What is that?

My order.

Why are you writing it down?

In case he's deaf.

What're you, ableist?

He's not deaf.

You just watched
him take my order.

Oh, give me that.

Aaand we are leaving--

[radio] Flight 179er can we
get a status check?

Noticed you lost some altitude.

This is 179er.

Yeah we actually lost a
couple of pilots, too.

But all good,

Captain Mark Hoagies
is in the saddle.

[radio]


did you say you lost
a couple pilots?

Uh... where'd they go?

Uh tower, they're
actually in heaven.

Although the one copilot was
kinda mean he might be in hell,

but they are both dead.

[radio] Uh say-- What...

Wait they're dead?

Uh looking at them,

I wanna say affirmative.
Yes, affirmative.

Very sad. Very sad.
Gone but not forgotten.

[radio] 179er.

Can you confirm you
have flying experience?

Oh yeah big time--I
mean affirmative.

I'm actually a very
legitimate pilot.

Passengers are
actually very lucky

that I am on this
plane--aircraft.

[radio]
So you've flown a 737 before?

Affirmative. Requesting
permission to tell you

about all the cool
planes I've flown.

[radio]
Uh yeah I don't need--

Let's not worry about that.

Right now we're gonna talk you
through an emergency landing.

Permission denied. I'm good.

[radio]
The hell is this guy--


that autopilot is engaged?

Oh, good point, yeah.

Confirmed, autopilot is engaged.

Turning it off now.

[radio]
No sir, do not disengage au--

Yeah, sorry tower,

robots ain't taking
this job from me.

[radio]


Hey, goin' dark for a minute --

gotta check the score
of the Birds game.

[changes frequency]

And he dives forward for
another Eagles first down!

Hell yeah.

[tense music]

Ooh thanks.

Mm.

So Hank,

we're just trying to
understand what's going on.

Where were you headed today?

A funeral.

Yeah sounds about right.

Where's the funeral?

It's in Florida.

You know they got hot
dogs down there too, pal.

You can buy hot dogs in Florida.

Yeah, I know, I was gonna
refill for the trip back.

Here's what I don't get.

Where's the buns?

The mustard?

Oh right here.

Oh my god! b*mb!

Hit the deck! Go go go go go!

[panic and door slams]

[metallic arm]

He's clean.

Just condiments and buns.

Alright,

no criminal record.

No t*rror1st affiliations.

According to Facebook
he's only in one group:

Hot Dog Lovers of Glantontown.

Ugh, there's just no link.

- The Hell are you talking about

There's 800 damn links!

Ugh, this one's
above my pay grade.

Put me through to the Pentagon.

[duck quacks]

This is boring.

No, no.

You're just overstimulated.

If you actually pay attention

you'll find that nature
is the opposite of boring.

Can I just have my phone.

No. But you can have this.

Is that a piece of bread?

Yes.

Because we are gonna
feed the ducks.

You shouldn't feed ducks bread.

It's bad for them.

You should feed them corn.

Oh yeah, you're a duck expert?

Yes.

Ducks have been
my favorite animal

since I've been a kid

and frankly I'm a little

disappointed that you,

as my uncle, did not know that.

Uh...pfft...

Of course I knew that.

That's why we're here.

Uncle David I
really want cousins,

but you're making
this difficult...

Oh! It's Andrea.

Okay, pretend you're
having fun. Smile!

Hahaha,

hi babe.

Just checking in to see
how Uncle David Day

is coming along.

Oh it's going great!

We're at the park right now,

we're just feeding the ducks,

you know, Ava's favorite animal.

I literally just told him that.

He's actually trying
to malnourish them.

No, we're just goofin'
around, you know.

Look at Aiden oh he's so cute,

we were laughing so hard before.

And he's really connecting with
these ducks right over there.

Here ducky ducky.

Yeet!

Oh my god!

Oh, David, did he just ki--

“It's not my fault she
got kicked by a Zebra.

I said “no touching. ”

[smack]

Excuse me?

Would you mind moving your hair?

It's blocking my movie.

Oh alright,

that's how you wanna play it?

Watch this.

[chuckles]

[snip, snip]

[chuckles]

[radio] 179er, we need to
discuss some procedures.

First off let's avoid
using radio comms

for sports scores--

we're trying to get you
safely on the ground, okay?

Ah, This is 179er requesting you
ease up on the micromanagement,

thanks.

[radio]
This is standard procedure, sir.

Okay well, this situation
is totally under control,

okay. These planes are
basically un-crashable.

Let's be real.

[radio]
Sir, that is not true.

-I need you to please listen--
-Oh come on everybody knows

half these buttons don't even
do anything. Okay, watch.

Bupabubaduboo.

[radio]
Sir do not do that-

[beep]

See? All good.

I know you're stressed

but maybe that's why
you're on the ground

and I'm up here.

Let me tell you something.

In thirty years, I have never

lost an aircraft.

This moron better
not end my streak.

He's a pilot, sir.

And he's the best
chance we've got

to get this bird down safely.

Then find me someone who
can get through to him.

[tense music]

Do you know who I am?

No.

I'm the guy you
don't want to meet.

Hi.

You ever hear of Abu
Bakr al-Baghdadi?

Self-proclaimed caliph of !sis
and all-around human scumbag?

Well I'm the guy who
dug the tunnel under the

Al-Hajarah desert to
smoke that b*stard out.

And then I called
in the airstrike.

You know the last I heard they
found one of his teeth in Kut.

[door opens]

[whispering]

Well Hank,

looks like it's your lucky day.

Mr. Hoagies, follow me.

[alarms beeping]

Low Fuel,

Low Fuel.

[radio]
Am I hearing a low fuel warning?

Say again... sorry,

havin' trouble hearing
you over all these alarms.

I think your plane is glitchy.

[radio]
State your fuel!

Uhhh, looks like just
under five hundo.

[radio] Say again please:
did you say Five-Zero-Zero?

Affirmative. We're good.

Got five hundred
liter...quarts...

got five hundred.

We got five hundred fuels.

Dear God,

this moron is five minutes away

from being a hang glider.

Okay listen, pal.

You need to land this thing now!

Confirm auto-land is engaged.

- Negative tower.
We're doing it live.

No you idiot!

Knock it off with
this cowboy crap.

- Tower this is 179er
requesting permission to speak

to someone a little
more professional.

Gah!

I gotta tell ya.

I've dealt with a lot of

jackass pilots before,

but this guy...

this guy is impossible.

He won't listen to me.

But he might listen to him.

[dramatic music]

[radio] Hey Mark.

Hank?

Is that you?

I thought you were on the plane.

Nah.

Long story.

- Yo guess what I'm
doing right now?!

Uh...flying a plane?

- Oh yeah baby.

- Flying a plane.

- No big deal. Ahhh.

Who is this guy?

His brother.

Says he's got
over a hundred hours

in the c*ck with the guy.

Alright tell him he's
approaching fuel exhaustion

and he must land the plane ASAP.

Okay uh,

Mark, they're saying
your fuel's real tired

and you gotta land
the plane AARP.

Oh my god.

Just maybe... just
do it your way.

Okay,

okay yeah.

Okay Mark,

you got this.

Just like we're in the garage.

Hold on. What do you
mean by “garage ”?

Oh it's the room where
you park your car.

No I know what a damn garage is.

What do you mean you want
him to land the plane

“just like we're in the garage ”"

What does that mean?

Oh that's where he
sets up his simulator.

Simulator?!

Does he have any experience
flying a real plane?

I mean...

he does now.

Are you fricken' kidding me?!?!

Did you do this?!

Yeah. Do you like it?

I think it compliments
your ugly attitude.

Oh I'll beat your a*s, b*tch.

Yeah yeah. Can you at least wait
until after this dance scene?

[cracking knuckles]

I need all emergency
vehicles standing by.

He's lined up and his
altitude looks good.

You know he might
actually pull this off.

You got this Mark.

So uh, you gonna do
your signature move?

What does that mean?

Yeah I don't know Hank,

I'm trying to
give the passengers

a smooth landing here.

Hold on, what does that mean,

signature move?

Oh, uh, right before landing
he does a barrel roll.

Oh man--

That might be the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

Uh no.

Actually it's very
cool. You wanna see it?

[radio]
Don't even think about it.

Too late. Already
thinking about it.

Buddy,

you absolutely “cannot
do a barrel roll

on a commercial airline ”.

Maybe you can't,

but I can.

I've actually done
it a bunch of times.

I even once did it on a blimp.

Oh my god, oh my god.

Uh... I wouldn't push him...

Listen pal!

I don't care what
you do in your garage

but this is real life.

There are actual
lives at stake. Okay?

This isn't your
stupid video game.

Okay pal well listen up.

It ain't a video game.

It's a simulation.

Hank,

we're doing a barrel roll.

Oh my god

they're all gonna die.

[shuffling footsteps]

[radio]
Ladies and gentleman,

this is your captain
Mark Hoagies speaking.

We're gonna be doin' an
emergency landing today.

No big deal.

The weather in Philadelphia
is probably the same

as when we left
twenty minutes ago.

But don't worry -- I got a
special treat for youse all.

Might want to have
your phones ready

because this landing
is gonna be memorable.

Oh my god...

What -- are you afraid of me?

No,

but I'm afraid of my husband

flying this plane.

[dramatic music]

Ugh this sucks.

How much longer do
we have to walk?

We're not walking. We're hiking.

Hiking is stupid.

Well too bad.

You know, I tried
taking you for treats

and you almost ruined my life.

Then I brought you to the
park and you kicked a duck.

I didn't kick it. I yeeted it.

How about you just
give us our phones back

and we'll just lie and
say we had a good time?

Everybody wins.

No way Jose.

We're doing this above board.

Well, enjoy wearing condoms
for the rest of your life.

What!? I don't...always
have to...

I'm not having this
conversation with you.

Maybe if you stopped
treating us like babies

we could actually connect
in a meaningful way.

Okay. You know what? Great.

You want to have a
mature conversation?

Let's do it.

Why doesn't Aunt Andrea

want to have kids with you?

Ah... Wow. Um...

she is just on a
different timetable.

Sounds a lot like
you never had sex.

Isn't she like 45?

She's probably already
having menopause.

Why are you so obsessed
with having kids anyway?

Do you think it's going to
fix your marriage problems?

Okay, you know what?!
I can't with you two.

Here, take your stupid phones.

Now I get why your mom lets
you have them all the time.

Try to do something right...

Woaaaaahhhhh!

Did you see that?

No, I was on my phone--
wait what'd I miss?

The coolest thing
I've ever seen!

Did you get it on video?

Let me see.

Nah.

We just kinda
experienced it IRL.

And you know, it
was pretty sweet.

Yeah,

thanks Uncle David.

[dramatic music]

Aw yeah.

Nailed it.

Nailed it.

I mean let's be real okay,

if you're allergic to peanuts

you gotta announce
that to the cabin.

I mean, that's just pilot error.

Okay Mark.

But luckily, my
little “video game ”

saved the lives of two
hundred people, so.

Yeah and put you on
the “no fly list. ”

Small price to pay
for being a hero.

I hear that.

I hope Uncle Kenny isn't mad

we missed his funeral.

[beep, beep, beep]

Oh come on $15?!

How are they gonna
charge for parking!?

We didn't even get to Florida!

[music]

Uh, what are you doing?

Hank, you thinking
what I'm thinking?

That condiments should be
packed in a clear plastic bag?

No, Hank--

BARREL ROLL!

[action music]