01x06 - Bird Cage

[bunniefuu]

Oh, come on!

Run the fricken ball!

What are you doin' coach?

This whole team
is run by morons!

Yo, hoagies!

Maybe if you yell a little
louder, they can hear you

Over there in minneapolis!

Oh, great.

Fricken steve delvecchio.

Oh, cool.

No, hank.

The guy's a freakin' douchebag.

Hate to break it to you, steve,
but you're at a sports bar.

Oh, great.

Here he comes.

Let me ask you something.

Why in the hell would they
run the ball when they're

Down by 14 with no timeouts?

It's called smash
mouth football, okay?

You ever heard of it?

Pound the rock.

You're literally just
yelling stuff, you know that?

You got no clue what you're
talking about, hoagies.

Oh yeah?

What makes you an authority?

How about this.

[bling]

Whoa, is that a super bowl ring?

Pfft, where'd you get
that? The Halloween store?

No, I earned it, okay?

I played a pivotal role
in the eagles championship

Run, thank you.

Oh, get out of here, steve.

You work in ticket sales.

That's a bs ring right there.

No such thing.

Whoa, is that a super bowl ring?

You bet your a*s it is.

Wow! Beer's on the house.

Thanks, man.

Later, hoagies.

Unbelievable.

Yeah, I can't believe
steve delvecchio is a

Super bowl champion.

He's a fraud, hank.

I cannot and will not sit
idly by while steve frickin'

Delvecchio runs around
acting like football royalty,

Reaping the benefits of a
ring he does not deserve.

Well, uh, what are you
gonna do about it, mark?

I'm also gonna reap
the benefits, baby.

Boom.

Suck it, delvecchio.

[♪♪♪]

♪ well, I used to
work at a hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them
robots came along ♪

♪ and now
there is no job for me ♪

♪ but I get


♪ thanks to uvi ♪

♪ now we're
universal basic guys ♪

♪ it may not
sound like much ♪

♪ but we're
still gonna try ♪

♪ we're just
universal basic guys ♪

[bling]

Ha, whoa there, johnny depp.

Since when do you wear jewelry?

Oh, this is way more
than jewelry, tam.

This is an official
eagles super bowl ring.

How'd you get your hands
on a super bowl ring?

Doesn't matter how
you get a ring.

What matters is
that you got one.

With this thing?

People respect your
football opinions.

No longer will I be
treated like a dumb fan.

Oh, yeah?

The minute you open your
mouth, you're gonna be

Exposed as a total fraud.

Bet you can't even
name one play.

Pfft, yeah, okay, hon.
That's ridiculous.

Can't even name -- I know a
ton of plays, actually, okay?

Like, uh, what's the
one where they, uh, run

The ball up the middle?

Oh, hey, guys!

Either you wanna go to
the eagles game today?

Our son would rather watch
people play video games.

Oh, thanks.

But I actually
have brunch plans.

David, they're playing new york.

Um...

- Yeah, no chance.

He gets uncomfortable around
macho stuff like that.

- Wait, what?

What do you mean by that?

Yeah, come on, it'll be fun.

You ever been to a
birds game before?

I have not, actually.

- David, stop.

You and I both know you'll
have a horrible time.

You know, there's a lot you
don't know about me, andrea.

You literally never
watch football.

Yeah, but that doesn't
mean I can't enjoy a game,

Like a regular dude guy.

So is that a yes?

Uh, yes.

Yes, I would love to go.

Let me just, uh,
I'll be right back.

I'm gonna go grab
my football hat.

Well, good luck.

Oh, come on.

He's gonna love it.

[♪♪♪]

[crowd member] giants suck!

Yeah, I don't know if
wearing that giants hat was

Such a smart idea, okay?

Eagles fans are maniacs.

Don't worry, david.

Just have fun.

Eagles fans get a bad rep.

Eh, I don't know, tam.

There's a reason they got
a jail under the stadium.

Oh, come on.

Eagles jail's a myth.

Like the jersey devil, or those,
uh, ben franklin bridge trolls.

Wait, troll --
do you mean tolls?

No, david.

Trolls, okay?

There's these little
trolls that live under

The ben franklin bridge.

Everybody knows that.

You say that like it's a fact.

I actually have a super
bowl ring, so everything

I say is a fact.

Okay, mark.
I could buy a tiara.

Does that make me
freakin' princess diana?

You know what?

Let's go, hank.

We spent enough time
amongst the, uh, hoi polloi.

Time to go flex this
ring and mingle with

The first class fans.

Fine.
Have fun, mark.

David and I will be enjoying
the game with the real fans.

Ain't that right, david?

Oh, absolutely.

I want the authentic
cultural experience.

[drum beat]

Hi.

I like your tat.

Are you making fun of me?

What?

No, no, no, no.

I think, uh, I think
it's really cool.



Wow.

Great super bowl, right?

No, it wasn't.

Eagles lost.

Oh...So then why --

- I got it in 2004.
I was feeling pretty confident.

Got it.

Maybe you could, uh,
use the ring to get

Like, uh, free hot dogs.

No, no, no.

You got to think bigger, hank.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

We could meet swoop.

Oh, come on, hank.

Okay, any five year old can
meet the mascot, but not just

Anyone can go up there, baby.

[angelic music]

Ticket?

Here's my ticket.

Yeah, that's not
really, uh, whatever.

Oh, yeah, now this is the filet
mignon of the fan experience.

This is where the real heavy
hitters watch the game.

No fricken way.

Woo!
Let's go, birds!

Get a stop!
Come on!

Let's go, the giants!

Get a stop!

Hey, moron!

You're on offense!

Oh, just ignore him.

Oh, it's all good.

It's part of the fun.

Hey, I can take it.

Heh heh.

Let's go, new york!

Giants suck, you freaking nerd.

Hey, whoa there.
Hey,

Counter point: Eagles
suck, you nerd.

Say one more thing to my
kid and I'll shove that

Hat right down your throat!

Understood.
I am so sorry, ma'am.

Oh man, which one
should we go in?

Hank, we can go in
any one we want.

We got the ring.

We're vips.

Oh yeah. Got the
unlimited egg rolls.

Got the air conditioning.

Dude's in a business casual.

Jackpot, baby.

Oh yeah, now this is
how you watch a game.

Oh hell yeah, yeah, let
me get one of those.

[crunching]

Uh, no thanks.

I, uh, I feel bad
eating the babies.

So, uh, you from new york city?

Yeah, well, westchester, but
it's like right next to

The bronx, so...

- You into theater?

Pfft! Theater?

No, I mean, I've seen a
show or two, but I'm not

Like some fancy theater boy.

Ah, damn, I was thinking
of taking my girl to

A broadway show, but
wasn't sure what to see.

Oh, really?

Um, what about hamilton?

It's terrific.

Oh, yeah, because I heard it
was a bunch of woke, b.S.

Oh!

Uh, yeah, totally.

Totally overrated.

I mean, you don't
want to see that crap.

But, uh, maybe, you know,
stomp is more up your alley?

Stomp!

Stomp, okay, uh, is that the
one where they're all cats?

No, that's -- that's cats.

Ahh.
You want?

Um, uh, yeah, yeah, let's do it.

David, I wouldn't.

Oh, it's fine, tammy.

I'm hanging out.

I'm being a dude.

I'm going with the flow.

- Yeah, dude, yeah.

[cough]

My god, what is that?

Oh, uh, mostly rubbing
alcohol into race gas, yeah.

Keeps me responsible.

Can't drive home if you
drank all your fuel.

You see, this whole team
is soft because the coach

Is a fricken goofball bozo.

I mean, whatever happened
to old school punch - em

In - the - mouth football?

Run the ball and play defense.

Hey, but what do I know?

Just my expert opinion.

Wow, this guy really knows ball.

You were on our super bowl team?

Oh yeah, oh yeah, I was a, uh,
a coaching consultant, yeah.

That was -- that's what I was.

I thought I knew
everyone on

That team, but, uh, forgive
me, I don't recognize you.

That's because he's a fraud.

Delvecchio.

The hell are you doing here,
hoagies?

Oh, you know, just mingling with
my fellow football connoisseurs.

Oh, are you now!
That's interesting.

Have you shared with
them how you think the

Team is run by morons?

Oh yeah, well the fricken owner,

That guy's a
stone cold moron.

He doesn't have the ba*ls to
take this team over the top.

Pfft!

Well, mark, thank you for
your candid assessment.

I'm sure our esteemed owner
here appreciates it very much.

[stony silence]

Hey, listen. Old school hard -
nosed leatherheads like me?

Yeah, we're not gonna b.S.
You and stroke your ego.

We care about one
thing, -- winning,

And sometimes,
that ain't pretty.

You wanna go ahead and surround
yourself with sycophants?

Be my guest.

You know who else did that?

S*ddam hussein.

And where is he now?

Certainly not winning any
super bowls, that's for sure.

You know, I've owned this
team for 30 years, and

Not once has anyone ever
spoken to me like that.

Sorry if that hurts
your feelings.

Let's go, hank.

Don't apologize.

You're right.

Wait, what?

This franchise lacks toughness.

I was going to wait until
the season ended to evaluate

The coach, but after hearing
your brutally honest expert

Opinion, it's clear we
need to make a change now.

Sir, please.

I -- I don't think you should
be li--

Let me tell you something,
sales guy.

I didn't get rich
by playing it safe.

I got rich by having
a rich grandfather.

Who knew when to trust his gut.

How'd you like to be
the next coach of the

Philadelphia eagles?

Oh, hell yeah.
When do I start?

Right now.

Gotta be bold, right?

What the hell is going on?

[♪♪♪]

[crowd]

Yo, how cool is this, hank?

Okay, this ring, best
purchase ever, okay?

I'm about to be the
coach of the eagles.

You sure you know how
to be a head coach?

Oh, absolutely.

They got a million
assistant coaches that

Do all the real work.

All the head coach does is
just run up and down the

Sidelines yelling crap.

Oh man, you'd be great at that.

So, uh, you think like, uh,
maybe I could have a role?

I'm thinking like, uh, I don't
know, mascot or something?

I don't know, hank.

I run a meritocracy here, okay?

Yeah, okay.

Tell you what, you can be the
backup mascot, but if you want

To start, you gotta earn it.

Oh, gee, thanks, mark.

I won't let you down.

Better not, because there's
no losers on my staff.

Now let's go kick
some giants a*s!

[♪♪♪]

[tap - tap - tap]

[slap - slap - slap]

Okay, guys. Culture
change, okay?

We're bringing back an
old-school mentality.

It's all about physical and
mental toughness. You got that?

- Uh, who the hell are you?

I'm mark hoagies.
Your new head coach.

Uh... Okay.
Well, I just need a play.

Okay, yeah, just ah...

Due to one where you, uh, I
don't know, run a ball up the

Middle, whatever it's called.

Uh, it's fourth and fifteen.

I don't give a damn if it's
fourth and fifty million miles!

You pound that
fricken' rock, pal!

[announcer] - man, it looks
like the eagles are lining up

In a power formation.

Are they going for this?

Maybe trying to get the
giants to jump offside?

Oh my god, they're
actually doing it.

And it's a first down
eagles, what a play call.

I don't know who this new
coach is, but he has got ba*ls

The size of the liberty bell.

- Nice job boys,
let's run it again.

Uh... Okay.

[announcer] - another run.

[crash]

And this time they're
stopped for a one yard gain.

- Run it again, let's go.

- Uh, coach.

Maybe we want to
try something else?

Uh uh uh, no.

This is old-school, jam it down
her throat's football, okay?

Run it again.

[announcer] - and another run up
the middle.

[announcer] - this time for
no gain.

Wooo!

Ah, what the hell
is this coach doing?

Maybe mark is right,
this guy is a moron.

[crowd booing]

What flavor they got today?

Oh, uh, blue.

Oh yeah, that's my favorite.

Wait, me too.

So do you work around
here or just hanging out?

Uh, yeah, I'm
actually the punter.

Oh, wow, I'm a big
fan of punting.

Wait, really?

That's awesome.

Yeah, a lot of people don't
like, uh, appreciate all the

Nuance that goes into it.

Totally, yeah, I always
love when a ball goes

Real high in the air.

Yes, that's my favorite part.

So, what do you do?

Oh, oh, I'm the,
uh, backup mascot.

Oh, wow.

We don't even have
a backup punter.

Yeah, you can't take a
chance with a mascot.

- Boo!

- You suck!

Get out!

Will you shut up?

David, maybe you should
dial it back a little bit.

Come on!
I'm having fun!

I love sports!

Ugh, I can't with
this fricken guy.

Go back to new york, dork!

Oh, yeah?

What are you gonna do?

[pbbbbt]

[splat]

Ah!

[dramatic music]

David, what would andrea say?

Hmm, good point.

Who are you calling dork?

Dork?

[smack]
argh...

Oh my god.

Oh snap!

That guy!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It was a complete mistake.

I don't even like sports.

Where are you taking me?

Oh no.

Hey, you wanna see
something cool?

I can lick my shin.

Whoa, that's awesome.

Oh no, what happened to swoop?

Well hank, looks like you're up.

Wait, what?

Aren't you the backup mascot?

Oh yeah, I just, I feel like
I haven't earned it yet.

Hank, you earn it by taking it.

When you get your chance, you
show them why you deserve it.

Um, excuse me, I-- I'm
actually the backup mascot.

Oh perfect, come with me.

You got this hank.

Yeah, I got this.

Hey, uh, call me if
you ever need anything

Punted or whatever.

[announcer] - and another
touchdown for the giants.

This is a beatdown for the ages.

- Yeah, this team sucks.
Here can you take this?

I'm done.

Uh.

Yo, hank!

Hank!

There he is.

Oh, hey there, owner guy.

So, appreciate the opportunity,
but, uh, I'm officially

Announcing my retirement.

You're a liar!

There was no mark hoagies
on the 2017 staff.

I knew I should have at least
spent five minutes researching

Before impulsively hiring you
as head coach of the multi

Billion dollar nfl franchise.

Whoa, you're disrespecting
a super bowl champion!

Is that ring even real?

Uh, it better be.

You know how much I paid
for this fricken thing?

I mean, uh, I, how
much I earned this?

- It's fake.

Pfft, okay, that's ridiculous.

- Oh, yeah?

Where's your name?

Where's my na--? Wait, what
are you talking about?

- Those rings have names have
names engraved on them.

Show me your name.

Okay, well, uh, there
it is, right there, see?

- Really?
Your name is made in china?

It's pronounced
madden chee nah, okay?

It's gaelic.

You're full of crap, hoagies.

Take this clown to eagle's jail.

Ha!

Friggin' knew eagle's
jail was real.

Well, looks like your,
uh, skinny buddy is

Going to eagle's jail.

Eagle's jail?
That's a real thing?

Oh yeah, some bad
dudes down there.

Oh god, david, it won't
last five minutes.

I gotta go get him
out of there.

Okay, but you're
not gonna find it.

It's in a secret spot
way below the stadium.

Uh, how do you know so
much about eagle's jail?

You could say I've, uh, done
a few stints, if you will.

- Well, can you take me there?

- Oh, I can, but I gotta
warn you.

I'm really drunk.

[dramatic music]

Good thing you're here today.

Sadly under such
unfortunate circumstances.

Just doing my job, you know.

Hey, this place is awesome.

- Indeed.

This is our mascot and
fan engagement lab.

Oh, cool.

What's, uh, what's that?

That's our prototype
for an infinite hot dog.

Please, help yourself.

Whoa.

Let's get you suited up.

Unfortunately, our primary swoop
suit was damaged in the fall.

This is our prototype for
a next generation mascot.

Now, the tech is still in
beta, so be careful out there.

Fortunately, you're a trained
mascot operator, so we have



[shove]

[cell door slams]

[growling]

How yous all doin'?
Heh...

Hey, go birds.
Heh, heh.

[sniff]

- You smell like a giants fan.

- Your kind don't last
long around here.

- Oh, god.

Ah--ah, listen, I'm not
really a giants fan.

I'm just, I'm just
from new york.

[crowd]

[sigh]

Okay, hank, you can do this.

[♪♪♪]

[clapping and cheering]

Alright, here goes nothing.

[beep]

[fireworks]

Whoa.

[beep]

[cannon fire]

[clapping and cheering]

Ooh, doughnut press.

[beep]

[boom]

[rocket engines]

[gibberish]

Ohhhh...
My god!

[engines stopping]

Oh geez!

Ahhh.....

Oh...

Okay...Ah..Ah...

[beep, beep, beep]

Okay, come on.

You got this, hank.

[wings opening]

[beep, beep, beep]

[whoosh]

Oh, oh,oh...

[splat]

[grunting]

Oh, no.

Ben franklin bridge trolls!

Uh, okay, here we go.

Now this trash can, this
looks familiar, I know this.

It's on wheels.

Oh yeah, I know, that's what
I, uh, that's the thing I

Remember about it, yeah, so.

Hmm, which way?

Ah, I thought you said
you've been to eagle's

Jail a bunch of times.

Sorry, I never remember the part
where I get sent there,

Only the, uh, the part where
I leave.

Wait, I know what to do.

I just walk backwards.

[footsteps]

[dramatic music]

Wait, so you were
made in a mascot lab?

Yes.

We were failed attempts
at creating a fun little

Sidekick for swoop.

They combined the dna
of benjamin franklin

With feral pigskin.

What they didn't know was that
some of benjamin franklin's

Gout got into the mix and
it made us very cranky!

Yeah!

Prepare to meet your death!

Ben franklin style!

Raise the key!

[chanting]

Uh oh.

If we can't be the
mascot then no one can!

[dramatic music]

[kicks]

[screaming]

[splashes]

Damn, I thought these
things were just a myth!

Yeah.

Hey, well, uh, thanks for
rescuing me, uh, sorry to

Bug you during the game.

Ah, it was a blowout.

I'm glad you called me.

So, uh, whaddya say we
grab a cold blue one on me?

That sounds great.

Wow, that's crazy.

I never thought
about it that way.

If I were born in new york,
I'd be a giants fan?

Exactly.

Wait a minute, I-- I thought
people was fans of other

Teams cause they're jerks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What about cowboys fans?

Are they just
regular people too?

Yeah, even cowboys fans.

Whoa.

Hey!

Unbelievable disrespect.

- Mark?

David, what the hell
are you doing here?

Oh, he k*lled swoop.

I did not k*ll swoop, okay?

I bopped him with a beer.

You guys know each other?

Yeah, this is actually
mark, my neighbor.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, mark.

Hey, david, they know
you're a, uh, g I a n t s

Fan, or --

Hey, we can spell!

- Yeah, we know he's
a glanst fan.

Come on.

- Let me, uh, introduce
you to the guys.

So this is bruce.

He threw a battery
at eli manning.

Oh, I remember that.
That was awesome, man.

This is kyle.

He purposely threw up on
a seven year old girl.

Guilty.

And you know that whole,
uh, hitting santa with

Snowballs incident from 1968?

Of course.

Yeah, that was
actually, uh, terry.

No way!

You've been in here for
over 50 years just for that?

Yeah, well, they let me out
in 81, and I did it again.

And then I did it again in


You're out, I suppose.

Damn, dude, you must
really hate santa claus.

Oh, I do.

I really do.

[dramatic music]

So, what'd you do to
end up in eagle's jail?

He coached the eagles to their
worst blowout in history.

Oh, great.

Get lost, steve.

Will you relax, hoagies.

I just came to get
you out of here, baby.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

All you gotta do is kiss my
ring and apologize to all

Of us legitimate super bowl
champions for making a mockery

Of our prestigious fraternity.

No fricken chance, steve.

Suit yourself.

Have fun rotting in here with
all these low class dirt ba*ls.

You fit right in, hoagies.

Hey, screw you, jerk.

Boo!

Wait, wait, wait.
I'll kiss it.

I'll kiss the ring.

[door slams]

[sigh]

Hey, you know what?

I'd rather be down here with you
guys than up in those luxury box

Suites with those rich jerks.

I mean that's sort of a
false dichotomy, and we

Could also just be home.

Well, here we are.

Eric, what are you
doing back here?

Oh, hey, bruce.

Just helping out my friend here.

Tammy?

David?

Oh, thank god you're okay.

Tam?
What the hell?

Mark?

The hell are you doing in here?

I guess that ring really got you
some first class access, huh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

These are my people, okay?

The real old school
hard nosed fans.

Oh, yeah.

Like david, right?

Yeah, like david.

Oh, actually, can you take
a picture of me hanging out

With my new meathead friends?

I wanna show andrea.

Okay, guys,
everybody, come here.

Okay, one, two, three.

Eagles suck!

[punch]

[thud]

Man, this place has changed.

Oh my god, look how
expensive that beer is.

I mean, how do you
even get drunk?

Why don't we go grab a
drink somewhere else?

Uh... Actually, I-- I'll catch
up with you guys, alright?

Okay, see ya, terry.

Bye, terry.

[dramatic music]

[splat]

I guess some things
never change.