Grandma, Grandma, this might be
the best turkey I've ever tasted.
You have truly outdone
yourself, Mother. Cheers!
Cheers. Cheers. I try, I try.
Woo! Anything for my babies.
Ah, my woman, dat. You know?
Ooh, Wilfred! Not in
front of the children.
Perhaps I can show you
all a little TikTok dance
I've been working
on after dinner?
Yeah. Of course. Yes, Diana.
Show 'em the moves! 100%.
Wonderful, wonderful. I'll
pop a song on, shall I? Yeah!
Yes? OK.
Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Look at you now.
Me can do the ClipClop, you know?
You can? No, TikTok. Tik.
No, Clip, ClipClop. Clip
TikTok? Yeah, Clip. TikTok!
THEY LAUGH AND BANTER
RECORD CRACKLES
DOORBELL RINGS
Why don't you get
the door, Queenie?
Who is it? It's your mother.
What's the matter?
Open the door, Queenie.
SILENT SCREAM
Again?
Just got to get
through Christmas.
VOICEOVER: Another
year, another Hanukkah.
How is everyone always so
happy this time of year?
I need to cheer up. Where's
Cassandra's dad when you need him?
Oh. Right.
You deserve a treat.
How is he always so nice?
I made these myself.
And how is his
cooking so terrible?
Right. OK, I'll Well,
I'll stick to psychiatry.
Mm. Yeah. So, how are things?
Still no word from Tom?
Three months of
space and no contact.
It took me a while to wrap
my head around it, but
..it's done.
And Go on.
Sometimes, like, like
tonight, I feel OK.
I'm busy, and I'm social.
But other times, like
when I get in on my own,
everything's just,
it's so overwhelming.
Queenie, look.
Your mid-twenties are rough.
It's when Cassandra's mother left
and everything just fell apart.
So you've got to try and
You've got to try and
sort of enjoy the journey.
Yeah, and crucially,
never forget,
the most important
relationship you'll ever have
is the one you
have with yourself.
You know?
Yeah.
SMOKE ALARM BEEPS
sh*t, something's burning.
Who's Cassandra on the phone to?
Is everything OK? He's
not answering his phone.
Well, he's probably
stuck at work.
Shall we grab some latkes and
judge your neighbours like always?
What do you think of this dress?
Mm. Er, it's not your best
dress He bought it.
It's your baddest dress,
cos you are a bad b*tch.
Mm, stop it. It's terrible.
It was a gift to mark our
one-month anniversary.
He said no words can describe
how being with me feels,
as the dress speaks for itself.
Hmm.
Should I be concerned?
Well, just Have
you had sex yet?
No, we have not
had sex yet. What?
That's not to say we
haven't done other things.
What things, like you've
dry-humped? Queenie!
PHONE BUZZES
No, I can't f*cking
believe this. He's bailed.
Well, you But look, there's
no rush to show him off,
just like there's
no rush to have sex.
I actually love how slow we're
taking it, actually. It feels right.
It's, it's like you tell
me from time to time,
you don't need a
man to complete you.
Why does this feel so familiar?
Summer, in between first and second
year at uni, we sat right here
but you were crying
over a different boy.
Adidas Andrew?
Oh. How could I forget?
Oh, my gosh, that guy
could wear a tracksuit.
Adidas Andrew and his allergies.
No, they weren't allergies,
I don't think. What?
Come on. It wasn't
pollen he was sniffing.
What?
It's all right.
Don't worry about me.
My Guy will show eventually.
What about you, my darling?
In my albeit fledgling
psychological diagnosis,
this Tom situation must
remind you of your mum.
Abandonment issues much?
VOICEOVER: Always
good to be reminded.
KNOCKING AT DOOR
KNOCKING BECOMES THUMPING
ON LAPTOP: You're not a time
traveller, and neither am I.
If Rupert offers me
eggnog one more time
That's not the life I want. I
thought you'd know this by
RAPID KNOCKING AT DOOR
Fancy a festive f*ck?
What are you doing here?
Well, your weird housemate let
me in. I am rock hard and ready.
I've just about
recovered from last time.
You know, you should have messaged,
because I'm a bit busy, actually.
Doing what?
Stuff.
Well, I can think of
something you should be doing.
What? Come on, Queenie, I've
just, I've just come all this way.
Look, I have really,
really missed you.
I'll even stay.
OK, um
..could you just be a bit
more gentle this time?
What, like, like this?
VOICEOVER: OK, maybe he just
needs to be told what to do.
Yeah.
Well, I hope you've shaved
your legs this time.
Spoke too soon.
Climb on.
DOORBELL RINGS
Frank. Yo, Big Q,
what you telling me?
Er, what's up?
Hi. Yeah, uh, sorry, I was
just on my way to a job
and you were en route, so
So, er, yeah, this pen.
You left it in my van from
when I helped you move.
I just thought I'd,
er, return it. Er
Yeah, I don't use green pens and
that, so, er, couldn't teef it.
VOICEOVER: What's going on here?
Thanks, Frank.
Look. Kyazike was saying Christmas
might be a lot for you this year.
If only they knew. First one back
home in a while and that, so
Look, just bell me, innit?
If it gets too much.
There'll be room at ours.
That's, um
Thanks, Frank.
Right, so, er, yeah.
Don't let me find that
pen in my van again,
or I might have to
give it back to you.
In a bit, yeah?
What was that all about?
Friends, it's good to welcome
you on this Christmas night,
when we share our precious
memories of God's work for us.
Angels came down
You trying to k*ll me, woman?
How much perfume you need?
Wilfred, don't budda
start on me tonight.
Right before Jesus' birthday?
They tell Mary and Joseph
and the others gathered there
the wonderful message
that has come from God.
Will you two stop texting?
I got one eye on you
and one eye on God.
Let us pray to God for the coming
of the kingdom as Jesus taught us.
Our father who art in Heaven
VOICEOVER: Dear Lord.
Hello. Long time, no speak.
It's been a busy and eventful time,
as you've probably seen. Sorry.
If you forgive me my sins,
how do you feel about
sending me a sign?
My friends are great.
My family are
Well, they're my family
and they're here,
but I still feel so
lonely all the time.
Like, to the point where
I keep having sex -
sorry again - with guys I
don't really care about,
just to feel something.
But is it actually me, Lord?
Do I push everyone away?
Am I just gonna end up sad and
alone like my m Queenie.
Your mum's here.
What is she doing here?
Hi, Queenie.
That's the last time
I'm praying to anyone.
One, and I ahead! Ah!
I never should have
taught you my tricks.
Look, Veronica.
She mashing me up.
That's my pickney.
And that's another round
of dominoes with Diana.
Diana, make yourself useful
and hang up the new curtain.
Hmm? You see that
thing in your hand?
Go upon Google and type in "How to
make yourself useful in the house."
LAUGHTER
DRAMA PLAYS ON LAPTOP
VOICEOVER: It's like
they're laughing
even louder than usual
just to wind me up.
TEXT ALER
KNOCK AT DOOR
Just Just checking
in, see how you are.
There's ackee and saltfish
for you when you're ready.
I'm not hungry.
How's the writing going?
It's all good, Sylvie.
OK.
Well, I'm here,
if you ever
I'm your mother, and
I care about you.
Mother is an action.
SHE WHISPERS: OK.
I don't know what to
say to her, Maggie.
It's her first Christmas
without the boyfriend.
Maybe ask her about that?
I'm not sure it's a good
idea for you to ask her
to support you in
court yet, sis.
No No, I'm not gonna do that.
No, she's been through enough.
Don't want her reliving it.
Dealing with him is k*lling
me. I don't want that for her.
But you don't have
to do it on your own.
I want to show her that I
can I can fix things.
None of this has been
your fault, Sylvie.
Roy was a master manipulator.
Duppy know who fi frighten.
I just
I don't want Queenie
to end up like me.
Oh, Sylv.
Queenie is a brave girl.
She'll be all right.
Being brave isn't the same
thing as being all right.
Let us pray.
Mm. Dear Lord, bless this
house and those in it.
Bless us, Lord. Bless the food
and the hands that did prepare it.
My hands, Lord.
We thank you for bringing
us together once more
to celebrate your birthday.
Even Sylvie with her mawga self.
Bless our family back home.
We hope to see them soon.
Bless the church,
apart from Brother Michael
and him big Mercedes.
Bless the street and all
those who reside here,
but the devil have
Albert at number 24
with him bad, awful
pickney. Or the girl OK!
Amen.
Amen.
MUSIC: She's Royal
by Tarrus Riley
Woo-wee!
No, I never been someone shy
Until I seen your eyes ♪
Oh, Maggie, not now.
Still I had to try, yeah
Oh, yes, let me get my words
right and then approach you ♪
Uh, no, no, no.
Woman, I'll treat you
like a man is supposed to
You'll never have to cry, no
I know everyone can relate
And when they find
that special someone
And she's royal ♪
Come join us. Queenie. Queenie!
I want her in my life
I never knew anyone
So one of a kind, no ♪
What's the matter, Queenie?
I'm fine. I just, um,
I just need some water.
She has the qualities
of a queen ♪
Queenie? Queenie?
Where on earth are you going?
Work emergency. I got to go. Just
tell everyone I said bye, OK?
VOICEOVER: "Come and join us,
Queenie," says the great abandoner.
"Being brave isn't the same
thing as being all right."
No, it isn't, Sylvie, but
you wouldn't know that
because you've never
been brave, have you?
Merry Christmas, you.
Ted, you scared me.
How comes you're here?
Oh, er, Gina called me in.
She thought the socials
had been hacked,
but really, it turns out that I was
just pocket-tweeting. Ah. Yeah. You?
I'm, er, I'm covering
the Christmas sport.
Yeah, someone's got to do it,
and, you know, good excuse to
leave the dinner table, so
You have a nice Christmas?
Does anybody actually have a
nice Christmas? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, funny time of year,
right? It is what it is.
Well, I'd rather
be looking at you
than watching my dad
burn the sprouts, so
Well, watch me long enough
and I'm sure I'll figure out a way
to set fire to something somehow.
Wow. How hot do
you think you are?
Yeah, you, er, you want to
see what I got for Christmas?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
This is just what
I've been waiting for.
Well, as long as I'm not
carrying you home again.
Yeah, well, you
loved it. Yeah? Yeah.
Meet me by the sofas in
T-minus five minutes.
Oh, it's, it's gonna take
me at least T-minus ten
to sort this out, so
Fine.
You're worth the wait.
Was that a vibe?
Or am I so starved of actual
nice, normal male attention
that I've dreamt a vibe up?
Hey, what do you reckon?
Should we get Jean over here?
No. Oh, come on. I want to
hear about her cats. Stop.
I'm gonna call her. Ted, stop.
Oi, Je Stop Stop it.
What? Stop. Come
on. Leave her alone.
What do you think?
Do you know what I was gonna
say? What was you gonna say?
Yeah, I was gonna say
What was you gonna say?
I was gonna say it
suits you. Thank you.
Almost as good as it
looks on me. Almost.
No, it does look good on
you, but I have a question.
Yeah, go for it. Fire.
Do you own anything else? All
I ever see you wear is tweed.
Well, it makes mornings
easier, doesn't it?
Your tracksuits and Mm,
yes, I own lots of other
Mm! Oh, sh*t. It's all right.
I'll get it. Here. Mm-mm.
Watch the jacket. My fault. Oh.
No, it's all good. No, no, it's
Sorry, uh Um, it's
probably a bad idea. Sorry.
No, no, I'm sorry. Um
No, it's. I should
just Uh, yeah, OK.
I should Yeah. Yeah, no.
I'm gonna I'll
be back. OK? OK.
Yeah.
VOICEOVER: What are you
doing? What are you doing?
Right, you need to go
home. Ted is a colleague.
Ted is a friend. Look at
me. Eyes up here, Queenie.
We do not f*ck our friends.
Or maybe we do?
HAND-DRYER SWITCHES ON
Oh, I'm so happy I'm finally
getting to see these.
Oh, yeah? Hold
on, let me just
No, no, I'll keep it on. Mm.
VOICEOVER: Why's he doing
that? Do I stare back?
THUD
VOICEOVER: Whoa.
Like a cucumber.
MOANING FROM TOILE
HAND-DRYER WHIRS
SHE TYPES
HE GROANS LOUDLY
Sorry, I, I couldn't
help it. I just
I don't think you really
know how sexy you are.
VOICEOVER: Ooh. If I had
a penny, or an orgasm,
for every time a
man said that to me,
I would be very
rich and very happy.
I should, um
I should probably go
before anybody comes.
The only one who came was you.
HE LAUGHS
Yeah, fair. I'll, er, I'll
make it up to you next time.
Yeah?
Er
Sorry, I just, um I
just need to get my jacket.
Yeah. Thanks.
All right. Um Yeah. OK.
That's probably not the best
idea I've had. Or the best sex.
Am I so lacking in attention
that toilets are OK now?
Wait till I tell Darcy
Ted is packing, though.
TEXT ALER
Wait, what?
Was this supposed to be for me?
What should I say back?
This is one for The
Corgis, because
..I'm spun.
Ah, it's a Christmas miracle.
What do you think of them?
Aren't they a bit young for me?
Not at all.
PHONE BUZZES
What?
Hmm. Think they'll
get back together?
I don't know how
good that would be.
For either of them.
Why would he send her that?
Exes always wanna try
a ting at Christmas.
I bet he wants her back.
Yeah, probably.
You think she'll go back?
I hope not, but you never
know with Queenie, you know.
She deserves better, man.
PHONE BUZZES
VOICE NOTE: I think you need to
process his first contact in a while
before you respond.
Just take a minute
to observe how
it's made you feel.
By the way, thank you so much for
supporting me at my dad's party.
I don't say this
often, but I should.
You're a great friend, Queenie.
Your turn, hon.
I told you he was clever.
LAUGHTER
Fantastic. 45 points.
Good comeback, Guy.
Oh, you know me, always
full of surprises.
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