01x07 - Elephant

[bunniefuu]

[PATOFF] Am I to assume that

you do not want an office

- in the managerial suite?

- When I get my own office,

- it will be through merit.

- Come on, guys.

I been gone three days.

Why aren't we working

- on Upskirt Jungle?

- It's done.

Patoff had us working 16-hour

days to get it finished.

He doesn't exist.

There's sweet f*ck-all out

there about Regis Patoff.

- [PATTI] He f*cked his what?

- [CRAIG] Mouth.

- [PATTI] Who all say this?

- Just me and Elaine.

You guys hanging out again?

Craig, I know that this is upsetting,

but he's not trying to k*ll you.

- How's Patti?

- She's pissed at me.

She found out that I went to Pomona.

- Craig must be feeling better.

- Three-day flu.

- Why do you lie for him?

- [CRAIG] Wait, babe, babe!

- Did I do something?

- I don't know, Craig. Did you?

[GLASS SHATTERING]

- [CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]

- [PEOPLE CHEERING]

[CRAIG] What are you doing?

What are you drinking?

I'm gonna get you a

drink. Here we go now. Woo!

- [ELAINE] Ooh!

- [CRAIG] Whoa!

[ELAINE] I'm sorry. Did I bump you?

Are you the new assistant?

Right, I know your name.

Wait, no, don't tell me.

- Ah, Hussain?

- Elaine.

- Elaine!

- I just started at Sang's desk.

How are you tolerating

the egotistical f*ck-bucket

- thus far?

- Sang?

- Yeah!

- He's okay.

I thought he was gonna be here tonight.

No, no, he does not

come to these things.

If he did, then

you know, we wouldn't.

♪

One more shot.

[GROANS]

Car arrives in 8 minutes.

Do you think that'll be long enough?

For what?

To talk me into your ride.

[WOMAN SINGING]

Christmas is in the air ♪

[BELLS JINGLING]

♪

[GEARS CLICKING]

[CLOCK TICKING]

- Go.

- [STAMMERING]

1,000 free coins redeemable

in any CompWare game?

All expenses paid safari for

the first person to clock it.

We pay a celebrity to

tweet they're being treated

for addiction to Mr.

Sang's Jungle Odyssey.

[MAN] Um, free merch. T-shirts

Name and shame big game

hunters on the website.

We get a group of animal

rights activists to protest

outside of our office, demanding

that Mr. Sang's Jungle Odyssey

- is banned.

- [TICKING CONTINUES]

Why don't we break an

elephant out of the zoo?

[SNICKERING]

[ALARM CLOCK RINGING]

[RINGING STOPS]

I like Elaine's the most.

[CELL PHONE CHIMING]

[GROANING]

♪

♪

♪

Dana said you wanted

to see me, Mr. Patoff.

I have been thinking

about your idea, Elaine.

Oh. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Which idea was that?

The elephant escaping from the zoo,

- running wild through the city.

- [CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]

It would draw a lot of attention

to Mr. Sang's Jungle Odyssey.

It sure would. It's just a shame

that we can't actually do it.

It was a brainstorm, Mr. Patoff.

Blue-sky thinking.

It is imperative that this

game is commercially successful,

- is it not?

- Oh, of course.

And that's why we're working

our asses off to make it happen.

You had a good idea, Elaine.

Now I'm asking you to execute it.

You want me to release a wild

elephant into downtown LA?

I'm pretty sure that there's

laws against this sort of stuff,

- I think

- Undoubtedly.

Ethical considerations as well.

But a risk worth

taking, do you not agree?

[STAMMERING]

I suppose I could look

into a viability study

CompWare needs a leader.

Someone to help shoulder

the burden for Mr. Sang.

I won't be here forever, Elaine.

I'm only the consultant.

You don't know anyone who

works with animals, do you?

Uh, I dated a girl who

walked dogs for a summer.

She smelled funny when it rained.

I have to create a publicity

stunt to market the game.

If you say the word "flashmob,"

I swear to God, I'm gonna

- swallow my tongue in protest.

- He wants me

to drop a wild elephant

in the middle of downtown.

What? Whose stupid idea was that?

- I I don't remember.

- Yeah, well,

it's gonna sh*t everywhere,

and it's gonna damage cars.

Well, somehow it landed on my desk.

You're not actually thinking

of doing it, are you?

Why? You think I can't?

[CELL PHONE BUZZING, CHIMING]

I gotta take this.

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

Patti, where are you?

[SIGHING] Say something.

Can we please talk? I can explain.

[CRAIG] Yes, I went to Pomona,

but it's not what it seems like.

And I shouldn't have

lied to you. I f*cked up.

I'm really sorry.

Patti?

Patti!

- [PHONE LINE BEEPING]

- Patti?

[SIGHING]

- You okay?

- I confessed.

That's all I got left.

♪

[PHONE LINE RINGING]

- [MAN] Hey.

- Hey.

I thought we were always

going to keep in touch?

♪

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Okay. Uh, one pad Thai with lemonade,

and one vegan yellow curry with

something hi-bicus.

Am I saying that right? His-biscuits?

Put it on the desk.

[EXHALING] Are we expecting company?

No.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

I think I may have a

lead on an elephant.

- Did you eat lunch yet?

- No.

- I wasn't offering.

- Oh. Okay.

- Your elephant?

- I found a traveling circus

with a 35-year-old female named Jumbo.

It's not legal in California,

but they're still playing

small towns here and there.

And I was thinking, when

she's loaded onto a trailer,

we could divert her this way.

- Is that stealing?

- Liberating.

And should we need a

defense, we can argue

that it was for Jumbo's own good.

The tricky part is

convincing someone to collect

and deliver her.

For that, I'm going to need a budget.

- How much?

- I don't know yet,

but I'm meeting with

someone this afternoon,

and I'm gonna sound him out on the idea.

- Can he be trusted?

- In some ways.

Full disclosure, he is an ex-boyfriend.

Why did you break up?

He was getting mixed up into things

that did not exactly

align with my career path.

Patrice is the type of man

who will do anything for money.

If anyone's willing to do

the job, it would be him.

[CHUCKLING] I can't wait to meet him.

I thought I was running

point on this one.

Mm-hm. You are.

Well then, give me a

number and leave it to me.

Twenty thousand.

[STRAW SUCTION SQUEAKING]

♪

[CELL PHONE BUZZING, CHIMING]

- Hello?

- [MAN] Oh, hi. Is that Craig?

- Yeah, who is this?

- This is Dr. Grant.

- I work with Patti.

- Oh, yeah. Uh

- How are you?

- I've been trying her phone

all morning, but I'm

not getting a response.

She was off sick on Friday

but she said she'd

be back at work today.

Oh, yeah. She's got this

flu that's been going around.

I'm sure she just crashed

out and forgot to call.

[DOCTOR] As long as

everything's all right.

Yeah, yeah. She'll be fine.

I'll have her call you when

she starts feeling better.

- Thanks, Craig.

- Sure.

[PHONE CALL DISCONNECTS]

♪

[CELL PHONE CHIMING]

♪

[CELL PHONE BUZZES, CHIMES]

♪

[EXHALING]

[SPITTING]

Oh.

♪

[SIGHING]

[ELAINE] Hi!

Thanks for coming.

- How are you doing?

- Oh, good.

Good.

Um, why don't you come up to my office?

- You have an office now?

- Yeah.

A lot has changed around here.

[AMY GIGGLING] A little

puppy or something.

♪

[PATRICE] Yeah, I remember

when you started here.

Weren't you an assistant?

- I'm creative liaison now.

- Mmm.

Hey, didn't I hear something

about your boss getting capped?

Sang. It was a whole thing.

But we're under new management now.

So

Why did you call me?

I may have a job offer for you.

Office work? No, thanks.

I was thinking something more in line

with your particular set of skills.

♪

[AMY] So, it's not that you lied.

But that you lied on top of the lie?

[CRAIG] Ugh. I don't

even f*cking know anymore.

[LAUGHING]

What's what's your, uh, situation?

You know, most guys just

come out and straight ask

if I'm a l*sbian.

[COUGHS]

- Whoa.

- Mmm.

How long have you been here again?

Oh, um, let's see. I

was here for two weeks.

And then the boss got

all shot up by that kid.

- Yeah.

- And then I was on

a low-dose of ketamine so

I lost track of time and

now I'm back.

[LAUGHING]

- [GROANING]

- Maybe a month in total.

- Is that too long?

- [CHUCKLING]

Too long for what?

Well, I heard you had a thing

for tapping the new girl.

- Ugh

- [LAUGHING]

[SIGHING]

[CHUCKLING]

You want me to steal an elephant?

She's living in squalor! We'd

be giving her a better life.

Oh, since when do you

give a sh*t about wildlife?

Okay, I'll level with you.

This could be really good for me.

I could get a promotion,

make more money.

You want me to do well, don't you?

Elephants are pretty big.

They don't do what you tell them to.

She'll already be loaded on

the flatbed. All you need to do

is take the vehicle, drive it

280 miles, and open the cage.

How much?

- He wants 30,000.

- The budget is 20.

He says he needs two guys for

backup, and they'll need paying.

Mm-hmm.

Sit.

[EXHALING]

How did the two of you meet?

I don't know how this has

anything to do with the budget.

Never negotiate with

someone if you don't know

everything about them.

We were in line together

at a concession stand.

- A Dodgers game.

- Mmm-hmm.

He was charming.

Alcohol was a factor?

Not especially, but it helped.

[CHUCKLING]

We dated for four and a half months.

It was exciting.

Yeah.

I didn't knew when he

would call or show up.

So I would get stupidly

happy when he did.

He made me cry about a hundred times.

Patrice was my big mistake.

Apparently we're all

allowed to have one.

Thank you, Elaine,

for being so open with me.

So we're good to go on the 30,000?

No, we're holding at 20.

But at least now you should

know how to negotiate with him.

♪

♪

♪

[CRAIG AND AMY LAUGHING]

♪

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

You never were where

I thought you would be.

If I worked here, I'd be smoking flower

- and playing games all day.

- Yeah.

You wouldn't be the only one.

Look, 20 is as high as I can go.

I guess you don't got

yourself an elephant.

You're not walking

away from this, Patrice.

You think?

The biggest mistake I ever made

was thinking that I could change you.

Tame you. I was young and naive.

All you wanna do is hit the

gym and hang with your bros,

and I understand that now.

Twenty thousand dollars is

going to keep your dream alive.

When does this have to be done?

Thursday. I can put

together an itinerary.

All you need to do is be where

I tell you, when I tell you.

Can you handle that, Patrice?

♪

I'm going to the bank, Dana.

Okay, Mr. P.

♪

♪

What are you working on, Craig?

It's nothing.

Mr. Sang's Next Adventure.

[KEYS CLACKING]

[CRAIG EXHALING]

Whoops.

My blood sugar levels are

either crashing or spiking.

I don't f*cking know anymore.

That would be the munchies.

Oh, are you going to fire

me for being high at work?

I'm not your boss, Craig.

Hey, man, give it a

week, anything can happen.

Um, was that your ex that I saw earlier?

What was his name again? Patrick?

Patrice.

Patrice. You guys are getting lunch now?

We're just catching up.

You're not gonna skulk around the office

for the next two months crying

like a teenager again, are you?

- I didn't do that.

- Hey, I always wondered

Did he ever find out? You know

I'm really sorry that you and

Patti are have a hard time,

but don't bring it to the office.

Mr. Patoff?

Forty, 60, 80, 1,000.

That's all of it?

Ten thousand dollars.

- We said 20!

- Half now,

half after the elephant is in position.

That wasn't the deal. Patrice

is on his way this evening.

- He's expecting 20.

- Yes,

but after everything you told

me about Patrice's character,

I realized he can't be trusted.

I know Patrice. He can

only be pushed so far.

He's not going to accept

half of the money up front.

Then you'll just have to

offer him other incentives.

Excuse me?

You you have history with this man.

You once shared physical

attraction with each other.

Do any of those feelings remain?

Mr. Patoff, you might want

to think very carefully

about what you choose to say next.

Of course.

If it were me, I'd f*ck him.

But as you keep reminding

me, you are the boss now.

I don't work that way.

Well, then should we

brainstorm an alternative?

Shall I fetch the alarm clock?

I can get what I want

without demeaning myself.

With the help of Mr. Sang's money.

[CRAIG] Ahh!

That's not even his real

name. Did you know that?

Are we still talking about work?

Aren't you curious as

to who your boss is?

I mean, he could be

guilty of w*r crimes.

He could be on the FBI

Top 10 Most Wanted list.

He looks like my Uncle Monty.

[LAUGHING]

- Cheers.

- [GLASSES CLINK]

Cheers.

Mmm.

- Do you know where he lives?

- Your Uncle Monty?

Patoff.

I don't know. He never goes home.

Okay, well, he's gotta live somewhere.

He's always in a clean shirt.

[INHALING] He smells fresh.

That's true.

♪

[DOOR OPENING]

- Got a date?

- Mmm.

Client meeting.

A word of advice?

Don't try too hard.

♪

- Goodnight, Elaine.

- 'Night.

♪

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

- Are we ordering food or not?

- Look!

It looks like he's got a place

in the hills. You see this?

He drives one route back

and forth, every single day.

You're tracking the boss's phone?

Shh! put stalkerware on it.

He doesn't even have a clue.

You haven't had too

many to drive, have you?

Uh-uh.

[KNOCKING]

♪

You're an hour late.

It just you here?

- We're alone.

- Did you get the money?

Come sit for a minute. Let's catch up.

So how's your sister?

I always liked her.

She's having another baby this fall.

Wow.

What about you?

Are you seeing anyone at the moment?

Not exclusively. You?

I'm grabbing fun when I can.

This what I think it is?

There's 10,000.

You'll get the other ten

when Jumbo gets to town.

Are you f*cking me over, babe?

♪

- [AMY] Where are we?

- [CRAIG] I don't know.

I'm following the same map as you.

[AMY LAUGHING] There's nothing up here.

[CRAIG] Wait, just pull over.

- [AMY] Here?

- Yeah, yeah.

[AMY] All right.

[CRAIG] This is it.

This is where he comes every day.

What the f*ck? Where are we?

[AMY CHUCKLES]

Dude.

[AMY] It's about the

same size as my apartment.

♪

[CRAIG] What the f*ck?

This weird m*therf*cker

comes all this way

to take a sh*t!

What?

Are you f*cking

- [SCREAMING]

- Oh-h*-h*!

[SPLASHING]

[HOWLING]

[SHOUTING]

[HOWLING]

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[SHOUTING]

[AMY LAUGHING]

Pick up your phone and call your

boss, tell him you need the full

- 20k or this is not happening.

- I don't need to call him.

I'm authorized to handle

this however I choose.

No, I think you're still

pissed that I ended it.

I remember it differently.

Look Patrice.

Listen, you're gonna take that money,

and you're gonna go do the

job, just as I told you.

And you know why I know this?

Because you trust me.

I never lied to you.

I never cheated on you.

Do we have a deal?

Let's grab a drink and talk it over.

See where that goes.

You never could resist me.

Let's see how much

you want that elephant.

One drink.

And I'm buying.

♪

[PHONE LINE RINGING]

[SIGHING]

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

- What?

- [CRAIG GROANING]

[CRAIG] Ugh, I feel sick.

How much did you have to drink?

[CRAIG CHUCKLING] I

don't know. Three or five.

It doesn't take much.

I don't think she's coming back.

How do you feel about that?

[CRAIG] Right now? f*ck everything.

[VOICE BREAKING] f*ck

marriage. f*ck Jesus.

f*ck changing who you are

to please someone else.

Just f*ck everything, you know?

Get a bowl for throw-up

and try to sleep.

Hey, wait. Elaine,

wait. I forgot to ask.

Did you get that elephant?

First thing Friday morning,

Jumbo will be parading down 4th Street,

underneath our billboard.

How did you manage that?

I can be persuasive when I want to.

[CRAIG] Goodnight.

Goodnight.

♪

♪

♪

[TYPEWRITER DINGING]

[PATOFF] Break time.

♪

[KEYS CLACKING]