01x02 - The Exorcism of Abdulla Khan

[bunniefuu]

FUNKY MUSIC

MONITOR BEEPS

Dr Khan...

Dr Khan!

MONITOR BEEPS

It's not hummus, Dr Khan.

Erm, the drug test was inconclusive,

but the incisions on the left arm
clearly suggests substance abuse.

Wallahi! It weren't drugs, bro.
I've... Tsk!

I know I can't remember
every detail,

but it was definitely a vampire.

As does the memory loss
and the hallucinations.

But the, er,
STI test did come back negative.

So, a few more days under obs
and we can discharge.

f*cking dickheads.

Guess you're not the only Muslim
struggling to get any round here.

Please tell me that you found
at least one girl mad enough

to find that whole
Dracula getup sexy!

BLOOD PUMPING

Abs...

Abs, believe me, man.

You OK, mate?
Er...

Yeah, erm...

Fine.
OK.

Two seconds.

Abs, what happened?

You barely got to meet Frank!
Oh, the South African?

The white guy who loves horror,
respects my culture,

and even says he's interested
in Sikhism!

So, he's, like, straight, white,
South African AND woke?!

A real unicorn!
Wow...

BUT here's the catch...
b*stard's visa's up,

and he's gotta go back
to South Africa in five weeks.

Oh, no, that's terrible.

Well, that's actually what
I wanted to ask you guys.

Erm, any chance you could take
my night shifts?

CHRIS GUFFAWS
No way!

I've got hinge dates every weekend
until the end of the year.

Abs? Abs!
Whoa!

You OK?
Abdulla, what's going on?

Honestly, I'm fine.
Ah-hem.

Skin discolouration,
eyes a little pink.

How are your testes looking?
Any swelling?

Have you considered an STI test?
Guys! Guys! I'm fine, OK?

I'm just... dehydrated.

I need a drink.

OK, but...

Abs?

You'll check your rota, yeah?

Justice! Justice!

HE GROANS
Justice! Say no to Islamophobia.

Justice! Justice! Justice!

HE GROANS
Say no to Islamophobia.

Justice! Justice! Justice!
HE GROANS

Abdulla?
Nahima? What's this all about?

You weren't at mosque yesterday.

Oh, erm... yeah, I was.

I was... at the back.

I-I-I came late, like, you know,
saving lives and everything.

I'm not your mum, Abs, yeah?

We're here for Maajid and Rashid.

Oh, of course. Maajid's on my ward.

What do you think happened to them?

Aren't YOU meant to be their doctor?
They were attacked.

They're still telling people that, huh?

Maajid. Forever in our hearts,
the light when it was dark.

Boy, you always has the spark, wh...

Oi, Dr Abs!
Shafi.

What's going on with our boy, man?

The staff won't even let us see him.
Tell us he's OK.

Oh, it's been a long shift.

I've really gotta go home.
Listen, man.

You lot are hiding something up
there, you know, and I just know it.

What's the diagnosis, man?
Tell us.

They overdosed on biryani.

Now will you, please, let me go?

Maj is in hospital,

and Rash was so shook,
he went back to the homeland.

Pakistan?
Birmingham!

So you're not gonna tell me

that this weren't some
Islamophobic attack.

Maybe, Shafi.

Or maybe it's the more
obvious answer.

Drugs.

Bullshit. All this medical sh*t
has taken you away from God's truth.

You need to decide whether
you're on the side of the NHS,

or the side of Allah, bro.
Ha, well...

YOU need to decide
whether you're on the side of...

Adidas or Allah, bro.

Bro, these are Nikes.

Urgh... I gotta go.

A real Muslim wouldn't make
that mistake, mav!

'Bout Adidas.
SUCKS AIR THROUGH HIS TEETH

FEEDBACK
FROM MEGAPHONE

Justice! Justice! Justice!

Say no to Islamophobia.

Justice! Justice! Justice!

Say no to Islamophobia.

Justice! Justice! Justice!

Say no to Islamophobia.

Justice! Justice! Justice!

Say no to Islamophobia.

Justice! Justice! Justice!

Say no to Islamophobia.

"They went at it like camels
in the desert.

"Humping their way over dunes
and..."

DOOR CLOSES

Abdulla?
Have you been drinking again?

It's...
HE BURPS

Er, Abdulla!

Talk to me!

SHE EXHALES

Disappearing from the Eid party,
barely eating anything all week,

and now you're drinking?!

It's like you're turning white -
literally.

I'm fine. It's...
you know, moving into night shifts.

It messes with my, er,
sleeping pattern.

Abdulla, we used to be able
to talk about these things.

What's wrong, meri jaan?

Is it your work?

Friends? Your love life?

MY love life?

Oh.

I'm not drunk, Mum.
I never drink... alcohol.

It's just a, er...
mineral deficiency.

That's all.

I'll be fine. Don't worry.

FOOTSTEPS ASCEND STAIRS

Love life...
SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

SHE SIGHS

PHONE CHIMES, VIBRATES

Iqra, he seems to have got it
into his head that a Shisha bar

would be a good wedding venue.

AND... And he's calling himself
an Imam now,

even though he probably knows more
Nas songs than Surahs.

Do you get what I mean?

SHE SCREAMS
Shhhh! I'm not a...

Muslim... a-phobe,
or whatever it is, OK?

I should go...
Have you seen this man?

Abdulla?

So that's his name, is it?

He may have, er,
caught something off of me.

See, we had a little encounter.

I just really need to find him,

so I can just run
a little, little test.

I don't think it's any...
IT'S important! Please.

I mean, you wouldn't want it
spreading around

your whole community now, would you?

g*nf*re ON GAME

'Managed to recover, then?'

I told you, I was just dehydrated.
'Not from that, Abs.

'From almost getting sucked
into taking Amrita's shifts

'for more boyfriend time.

'That, my friend...

'That looked painful.'

There's nothing painful about it,
Chris. We're just friends.

CONSOLE CHIMES
'Isn't it past bedtime, lads?'

'Looks like it's booty o'clock.'

'Have you asked for any Victorian
lady impressions today, Absy?'

Charming. Good evening to you, too,
Amrita. Are you saying I was faking?

'No, no, no, it's just...
your symptoms.

'You know, tired in the day,
but awake at night.

'Lost appetite,
and yet you're as thirsty

'as the "send bobs" guys
in my Instagram DMs.

'And to top it all off,
you're looking pale enough

'to be on top of
the arranged marriage market.

'Sounds like you're in a Bollywood
Bram Stoker adaptation, doesn't it?

'And boom!'
'sh*t!'

'Oh, Chris, mate,
that's how it's done.

'I mean, the other diagnosis, Abs,
would be chlamydia,

'but we all know how long it's been
since you've gotten laid, so...

'Er, I'm kidding! I'm kidding!'
That's very easy to say for someone

who climbs on top of
every white dude over 6ft she meets.

Oh. 'I was going to say anaemia,
dickhead.'

CONSOLE CHIMES,
POWERS DOWN

Open the window!

What the f*ck?
Please, Mr Abdulla,

if you open the window,
I can explain everything.

How the f*ck did you get there?

Do I know you?

I'm just concerned for your health,
is all, Mr Abdulla.

You won't remember this,

but we had a little encounter
a few nights ago.

Well, there might be a slight chance
that I've...

I passed on a... a condition,
yeah, a condition.

And it wouldn't be good
for either of us

if, er, you may have picked it up.

I know this seems awfully weird,
Mr Abdulla,

but I just need a tiny,
little droplet of your blood.

Just so I can do a little test
and you can... Ah...

Did Chris put you up to this?
Chris? Who the f*ck is Chris?

No, I just...
I just really need to come in.

Look, Miss,
I'm sure you're very nice,

but I'm really not in the mood
for whatever this is.

Sorry... are you all right
getting down from there?

Yes, I'm f*cking all right
getting down from here.

Mr Abdulla...
Piss off, lady!

Mr Abdulla!
KNOCKS THE WINDOW

f*cking... No, just...
just listen...

I'm gonna k*ll him.
Open the window.

Please...

Urgh!

Mr Abdullah, open up the window.
For f*ck sake!

Mental.
I really need to come in.

Just... Look, just listen.

Oh, please!

BIRDS TWEETING

Whoa!
NAHIMA GASPS

BUSHRA CHUCKLES,
NAHIMA EXHALES

At least he doesn't march around
the house topless like my dad.

BUSHRA LAUGHS

You can come out now, Abdulla!

Salaam alaikum.

I mean, er... Hey, ha!

I thought you'd be out
"saving lives", Dr Abdulla?

Night shift.
You know, no rest for the wicked.

I have offered to help with
the catering for Nahima's seminar.

Anti-Islamophobia, isn't it?
Yes.

I tell you,
Abdulla and I were so moved

when we heard about what happened
to Maajid and Rashid.

Mm, devastated

Yeah, it's... it's not just about
them, Auntie, it's about all of us!

You know, we've got to engage
local people to think of us

as less of a threat
and to prevent further attacks.

Oh, well, maybe
we could start by showing them

some wonderful halal food?

Oh, Mum, people have been eating
chicken tikka masala for years.

It doesn't change how
they feel about us, right?

Unfortunately, he is not wrong.

Look, community engagement's gonna
take a lot more than nice curries.

People have got to see Muslims
at the forefront of local charities,

helping the homeless,
educating the youth...

Curing the sick?
I guess.

Anyway, I better be going. Whoa!

Abdulla, no! Stay!
I mean, don't you see?

This is my last chance to get back
in with the mosque aunties

after you went "AWAL".
AWOL, Mum.

And isn't Nahima lovely?
SHE GASPS

Maybe the solution
to your love life problems

isn't so far away after all.
But, Mum, she's with...

Oh, Nahima,
you've done so much already.

Why don't you sit down
and, you know, you can eat together?

Oh, no. No, Auntie...
That would be lovely.

Oh, I insist, absolutely.
Mum, she... she has plans.

She's a really good... dear lady.
It's fine.

I apologise for her.

Whatever for?

She has a good, honest heart,
unlike some of us.

Sorry, er, what do you mean?

Let's just say
I'm sick of Muslim boys

who act holier than thou
in front of their parents

but behave however they want
when no-one's looking.

I know it's not only going mosque
you lie to your mum about, Abs.

Look, Nahima, I know
I'm not the world's best Muslim,

but since when were
we all meant to be so perfect?

If Justice For Muslim Youth
only helps the very best of us,

what happens
when one of us slips up?

Auntie Bushy!
Shafi?

Shafi!
Shafi?

Well, how did you get in here?

Your boy might have moved
from streets to mosque,

but I still know my way
round these ends. Give us a hug.

SHAFI GRUNTS
What's going on here, then?

I'd just come over to discuss
the campaign.

You done, though?

We gotta do something about
them genies.

Genies?
That's right.

Maj told me, it's not just
Islamophobes, you know?

It's evil spirits.
I think you mean, djinn, Shafi.

Yeah, djinn, genies, whatever.
These boys moving mad, though, yeah.

They get into the minds
of the young, Muslim youth,

and get them doing all kinds
of crazy sh*t.

Drinking... drugs...
SHE GASPS

ABDULLA'S STOMACH GROWLS
Shafi, we spoke about this.

Do you two know each other?
Oh, Auntie, Mum didn't tell you?

Nahima and I are getting married.

ABDULLA'S STOMACH GROWLS

You two?
Mum!

What?
Is this... garlic naan?

Of course it is, Abdulla.
It's Pakistani food.

Everything's made of garlic.
HE GROANS

HE GRUNTS

GURGLING GROANS

HE RETCHES

HE GROWLS

HE GROWLS,
SHE SCREAMS

Sorry.

SHE WHIMPERS

No, no, no, no.

Genie.
SHE GASPS

Oh, baby.

What the hell?!

The genies inside are gonna try
and trick you

into thinking it's still him,
Auntie, but don't listen.

Genies?! What the f*ck?
Mum, stop whatever this is!

Oh, this won't take much longer,
will it, Shafi?

I need a doctor, not an... exorcism.

Maybe we should call 111.

Did that look medical to you,
Auntie?

Repeat after me.

HE SPEAKS ARABIC

BOTH SPEAK ARABIC

Two fingers like this.
ABDULLA GROANS

BOTH SPEAK ARABIC

Mum! Let me go!
BOTH SPEAK ARABIC

Oh, maybe we should try
Ayatul Kursi one more time?

No, no, no, no, it's working,
it's working!

No, it's not!

It's the f*cking
"power of Christ compels you speech"

from The Exorcist
translated into Arabic!

What? And since when
were candles Islamic?

Auntie, clearly it's had
some effect, he's fine now.

Get out, now!

SHE SIGHS

Ullu ka patha.
Mum!

Oh, oh...

Ah...

HE WINCES

What in the name of made you...?

Because I'm worried about you,
Abdulla!

SHE SIGHS

You come home
looking all pale and sick.

You throw up blood
all over my nice food.

And God knows what you get up to
in your personal life.

I just feel like you're drifting
away from your community.

From me.

Does it have to be
so all or nothing?

I mean,
I come home looking slightly pissed,

and it's arranged marriage with
a side order of attempted exorcism.

I'm sorry, Abdulla.

I really am. It's...

I just...

I don't want to lose you...

...like I lost your dad.

And you won't lose me, Mum.

It's just...

something's happening to me.

Something I alone can fix.

Look I...
Da!

I just need some space
to figure it out myself. OK?

Come here.

CROW SCREECHES

RATTLING

f*ck's sake!

Hello? Can I help you?

If you're hungry, you know,
I've got some biryani inside.

Yeah, can't say I've got much
of a taste for biryani, my love.

Perhaps you'd like to come in.
We Muslims are very charitable.

Yeah, I'm, er, sure you are, but...

Ha-ha! This will do!

You don't mind if I keep this,
do you?

I really, really need it.

His dressing gown?
What would you need that...?

No, no, course, ha-ha,
you can keep it.

DOOR CLOSES
Bleurgh!

That ain't human blood...

f*ck! f*ck it!

Amrita, I'm so sorry.

What I said was totally out of line.
It's just...

Something's happening to me.

Maybe you're becoming a dickhead?

Happens to every guy,
so don't feel too special.

Something just clicks,

and that inner twat
that's been waiting to come out

finally gets it's moment.

Kept yours inside
longer than most, Abs.

That's why I liked you.

Promise not to be a dickhead again?

Argh...

And I'm happy to take
your night shifts.

Really?
SHE GASPS

OK.

Well, if that doesn't make
you my favourite dickhead!

Those are all yours, Abs-feratu.

MONITOR BEEPING

SAFI SPEAKING ARABIC

This ends right now, Shafi.

Abs, Abs!
Bruv, look at you.

Look how well the prayers
worked on you, bruv!

You're back to work and everything. Just...

let me give it
a little go with Maj?

No, no, no, no, this is idiotic.

It's anti-science,
and it's after-hours, yeah?!

Get the f*ck out...
Abdulla!

You might not believe in this,
but Maajid's family does.

OK?

I know you've got
all this medical sh*t covered, OK?

But his family would take comfort

to know that someone
was praying for him.

Even if it doesn't work,
it's just words, innit, bruv?

Let me just...

You've got ten minutes
before I call the night nurses, OK?

Hey, and even you aren't street
enough to stand up to them.

OK, thanks, man.
Ten minutes, yeah?

Ten minutes.

SHAFI CONTINUES
Shh! Shafi, volume.

HE SPEAKS QUIETLY

Night shift as well, darlings?

SHE SNIFFS

Oh...
BLOOD PUMPING

HE PANTS

HE GRUNTS

Argh!

HE WHIMPERS

A real Muslim
wouldn't be into this, bro.