01x01 - Halaloween

[bunniefuu]

MAN SINGING PRAYERS,
DISTANT DOGS BARKING

DOOR CREAKS,
HE GASPS

Oh, not again.

ISLAMIC SINGING
GROWS LOUDER

Heeeere's Majid!
HIGH-PITCHED: Argh!

PLEADS IN ARABIC

Please, please,
please don't k*ll me!

I'm still a virgin!

MAJ GUFFAWS
What?!

Hey, broadcast that to the world,
why don't you?

Maj?

That is not flippin' funny, man.
Hey, hey, Rash, chill, eh?

Come on, bro, no.
That was priceless, man. Come on.

Hey, that was funny, man!

No, it wasn't, bruv,
cos you scared the sh*t out of me.

Bro, men like us can't be afraid
of anything. You feel me?

Hey!

Bad sh*t don't happen
to good Muslims.

MAJ TUTS
Look, what you got to be afraid of

when you step out of that mosque,
huh? Lots of things.

Islamophobia, diabetes, ghouls...

Ghouls?
MAJ CHUCKLES

Bro, Muslims ain't vulnerable
to scary sh*t. Trust me.

When was the last time you saw
a brother in a horror movie, huh?

Or with a ghost, or a werewolf,
or I don't know, even like a...?

A vampire?
MAJ SCREAMS

You see,
I would have thought vampires

would be into Muslims, you know?

I mean, I've tried Jewish, Buddhist,

lots of Christian blood,

and an increasing amount
of Atheist blood.

But I must say,
out of all of them...

Muslim blood or Halal blood...
BOTH GASP

...if you will, tastes the best.

Now, virgin blood is something

we've historically
been interested in.

It's just so hard
to come by nowadays

without serious ethical issues.

f*ck this.

She just came from nowhere.
Like, I don't understand.

MAJ SCREAMS
She's on me. She's on me, bro.

But Halal virgin blood,
well, finding that is like...

Well, it's like Christmas.

We-We don't really believe
in Christmas, lady, so, you know...

Well, of course you don't.

But isn't it Ramadan?
The month of charity?

What's that got to do with anything?

Well, there's no better time
than now to give blood.

Yo, get that sh*t away from us,
you nutter! Go, man!

SHE LAUGHS
What's the problem, boys?

HISSES

You should be grateful
it's against my ethics

to use these bad boys.

Oh! Argh!
RASH WHIMPERS

No! Stop it!

SHE HISSES
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop, stop!

Argh! She's got my arm!

HE SCREAMS

SCREAMING CONTINUES

HE SCREAMS

MAJ SCREAMS
HIGH-PITCHED: No, no, no!

HE WAILS

Oh, quit whining.
The needle's clean.

HE SCREAMS

Oh! Oh, my God!

HIGH-PITCHED: Mummy!
HE SCREECHES

HE BABBLES, SCREAMS

TENSE MUSIC ON SCREEN,
SHE SCREAMS

WOMAN GROANS, PANTS

GROANING CONTINUES

Oh! Oh!

Amrita, it's not what it looks like.
Oh, yeah?

Then what's that little bulge
forming under your...?

Er, it's-it's-it's
a classic horror movie.

Yeah, doesn't look like Nosferatu.

We both know that's
a load of exploitative old crap.

The real horror's out there.
Mildly r*cist boomers.

HE CHUCKLES
Not exactly the evil dead, are they?

Don't think they'll let you off
so easy, Abs.

They'll look right through
those cute brown-boy looks of yours,

and... ask if an English doctor
is available.

Cute?

No. Yeah, no, I know.

PHONE VIBRATES

'Abdulla? Why aren't you
at the mosque?!' Mum...

'Have you forgotten
what day it is today?'

Wednesday?
SHE GASPS

'It's Eid y'Allah!

'Which I guess you would have known

'had you bothered to keep
a single fast.

'If you hadn't just finished
medical school,

'I would have you packed off
to Pakistan!'

WOMEN LAUGH,
ABDULLA CHUCKLES

Hi. Good morning.
Morning.

WOMAN CHUCKLES

What have I told you
about cracking out

the Asian mum impression
in the middle of my shift?

SHE LAUGHS

'But seriously,
when are you coming home?

'I mean, you can't leave your mum
alone on Eid, of all days!'

I know, I won't be long.
It's just...

MAN SCREAMS
'What was that noise?'

MAN GROANS
I dunno. I'd better go.

Ah! Argh!

MAN PANTS

HE GROANS

Please...

MAN GROANS

Please don't let her...
Don't bite me...

Don't bite me, don't bite me,
don't bite me.

Please, please, please.

Don't bite me,
don't bite me!

Please, don't bite me.
Hey, hey, Maj. It's me, me. Hello.

Hi. Abdulla Khan.
We used to go Quran school together.

Oh, it's good to see
another brother. Bro...

You're low on blood. Please, relax.

Is there...
something you wanna tell me?

Be afraid, Abs.

Be very afraid.

Maj, I'm not gonna rat you out
to the Haram police.

You can tell me
if you're getting high. Bro, bro...

They're real.
What's real?

Vampires.

What?!
VAMPIRES, man!

f*cking vampires!

And do you know
what the worst thing is?

They like Muslims!

Vampires like Muslims?

At least someone does
in this climate.

OK, no, no, no,
vampires wouldn't like Muslims.

Why would you say that?

Well, for the same reason
Black characters in horror movies

always die first.

Monsters don't like
people of colour.

I didn't know monsters
were so bigoted. Yeah.

What, do you think they're woke?

If immortal creatures of the night
were on our side, Abs,

do you really think that
there'd be racism,

colonialism, sexism...?
Well, there are l*sbian vampires.

Like the feminist icons
from the James Gordon classic,

l*sbian Vampire K*llers?

What about Dracula?

You know, Transylvanian count
wreaking havoc

on would-be British colonisers. Mm.

Who literally became a vampire

to stop Middle Eastern immigration
to Europe?

Your patient
was definitely tripping.

I don't know.
This time of year for us, it's...

I didn't know Muslims
celebrated Halloween.

Halloween?

Today?

sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's Eid today.
It c-can't be Halloween.

You're not sacking off my party,
are you?

Well, I-I-I don't want to.

I just didn't know
it would fall today.

You know, the lunar calendar,
it's a different day every year.

My mum would be furious
if she knew that I...

Please, all right? Spare me
the classic Asian mummy's boy act.

SHE SCOFFS
You're a grown-a*s man.

You're far from the perfect Muslim,
and we all know that.

HE SCOFFS
Yeah, but...

But what? You can't keep living
your life for other people, Abs.

I... I...
SHE SIGHS

Fine.

Eid Mubarak, then.

No. Am... Amri... Amrita, I'm sorry.

CHRIS SIGHS

You've really f*cked it now, mate.

f*cked what?

CHRIS CHUCKLES

KEYS JANGLE

MAN CHATTERING ON TV

SNORING

KNOCKING ON DOOR
'Abdulla!'

KNOCKING ON DOOR,
HE GROANS

'Abdulla, wake up!'

KNOCKING ON DOOR

'Come on! I found the pink kurta
Auntie Shabnam gave you.

'It matches my outfit.
I'm so excited.'

KNOCKS THE DOOR
'Come on, open up!'

HE GROANS

'Abdulla!'

KNOCKING CONTINUES

SHE SIGHS

What, Mum?
Uncle Jabbar's Eid party!

Can you believe it?
We finally got an invite.

Not exactly the Met Gala, Mum.
I tell you,

ever since you graduated med school,

all the other aunties
have stopped treating me

like Bhindi at the buffet.
Aren't you gonna wear this kurta?

I'm very happy for you, Mum,
but I'm busy tonight.

"Busy"?

What could be more important
than Eid?

Amrita's party?

Are you telling me that
that Christian devil festival...

It's actually more pagan.
...is more important

than the holiest day
of the Islamic calendar?!

All my friends are going
to this party.

It's our biggest night of the year.

Fine.

Go.

I'll just tell the aunties

that both my husband
and my only son have deserted me.

Fine. I'll go.

Thanks.
SHE LAUGHS

HE CHUCKLES

Oh.

HE STUTTERS

Oh...

Jesus Christ.

I mean, Hai Allah!

It doesn't look right.

Oh, salaam alaikum, Eid Mubarak!

Eid Mubarak!
Salaam alaikum.

Abdulla, men are that way.
"Men are that..."

They've gender-segregated the rooms?

We've never...
It'll be fine, Abdulla.

You know,
you can talk football with them,

or... driving 4X4s
and all that other manly stuff.

We never get to talk about
manly stuff when it's just...

I'm sorry.
...him and me at home, you know?

Oh, salaam alaikum!
Hello, everybody.

BUSHRA CHUCKLES

That's a very colourful kurta, beti.
Excuse me?

You do know the ladies
are in the other room?

Ha, ha, ha
Ao, Beto.

Sorry.

Saanp soon gaya?

Sorry, Uncle. I don't speak Urdu.

Oh.

Englistani, huh?

Catch the footie down the pub?

LAUGHTER
Ha, ha.

Is it all right
if I go out and get some air?

Smoking?
Er, no, no.

I just need to make a call.

Thank you.

I could have gone for a f*g.

WOMAN CHATTER

Got somewhere better to be?

Er, sorry, do I know you?

It's Abdulla Khan, right?

I think we took Quran classes
back in the day.

You were the kid
always on his Game Boy at the back.

Oh, yeah!
Had my cousin's Castlevania on it.

Wicked game.

Oh, er, still one of the cool kids,
I see.

It's Nahima Begum, isn't it?

Salaam alaikum.
"Hey" is fine.

I heard you finished medical school.

Yeah, save a life,
save all of humanity and all that.

Eh, more likely you just wanted
to beef up your biodata.

Er, well, er... what about you?

You know, weren't too bad at Arabic,
if I remember.

Human rights lawyer.

Eid Mubarak, bruv!

If it isn't my little cousin Abs!?
Look at you.

All them years at that white school
got you turned gora, innit?

I missed you at the mosque
this morning.

Shafi.
Imam Shafi to you, my bro.

Your boy's gonna be leading prayers
round these parts soon, huh?

Come to my next talk.

What can '90s hip-hop
tell us about the Quran?

Well...
This Friday, Insha'Allah.

Amazing.
That would explain the kurta.

It's nice, innit?
Mm.

New line of Islamic wear.

Looks more Hounslow High Street
than genuine, Supreme Shafi.

ABDULLA CHUCKLES

SHAFI SUCKS AIR
BETWEEN HIS TEETH

I see you've met my lovely fiancee.

Lo... She...?

You two?
That's right.

Do you know what,
I think I'd better... go.

OK, yeah.
Don't be late to the talk, yeah?

Friday, y'Allah.

Abdulla!

You're not leaving, are you?

I've been getting marriage offers.
That's nice, Mum, but I'm going...

You're staying!
HE STUTTERS

♪ When you bite me, baby

♪ It gets me mad

♪ Cos, crazy lady... ♪

HE GROWLS
♪ You're the best I've ever had

♪ So bite me, baby

♪ Baby, just bite me bad

♪ Oh, baby, baby

♪ Please bite me hard... ♪

ABDULLA GRUNTS

♪ I see you looking... ♪
MUSIC STOPS

Is that a cape, Abs?

Is that weed, Shafi?

ABDULLA SUCKS AIR
BETWEEN HIS TEETH

DANCE MUSIC
IN THE DISTANCE

CHATTERING,
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

THEY LAUGH

Ah, trust you to forget
the Mean Girls rule

of Halloween costumes.

Don't dress as anything pre-2000?
No! Sexy, not scary!

Well, obviously,
I'm not as shallow as you lot.

Oh, no, you're as deep
as a Pakistani boy

in white face needs to be. Fair.

You made it, man!
Hey, what you drinking?

Er, you got a lemonade?

OK, I'd better not be
your drinking mate.

Mum's mad enough at me
for skipping Eid.

Chris... where's Amrita?

In that get-up? I don't think
it's happening tonight, mate.

CHRIS GUFFAWS
Whoo!

Yeah! I love this party.

POP MUSIC PLAYS

I drink your blood!

HE CACKLES

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, sh*t! Sorry!
Oi, watch where you're going!

I'm so sorry!

Wh-What is that costume?

What's the problem?
Your costume. You're a colonist.

I'm a 19th century infantryman.

Oh, don't tell me that's
politically incorrect somehow?

Oh, quite obviously, actually.

Grow up. It's just a costume.

Who the f*ck invited
the investment w*nk*r?

MUSIC STOPS Amy...

What are you doing here?

It's Amrita, Fraser.
Are you serious?

Who told you this was OK?!

Oh, there's nothing offensive
about the British Empire.

SHE SCOFFS
Can you believe this?

Coming from a guy who said

he was only attracted
to brown chicks?

PEOPLE GASP
I told you that in confidence.

Get the f*ck out of here

before I call
the political correctness police.

Go on, get!

Well... it doesn't make up
for colonialism,

but it's a start!

WHOOPING

ABDULLA WHOOPS,
MUSIC RESUMES

WOMAN SCREECHES

And, Abs,
or should I say Count Abdulla,

decided to go for
the Islamophobic vampire after all?

Er, you can't talk,
Bride of Frankenstein.

It's not exactly woke,

going as a character whose entire
existence is defined by her husband.

You may as well have gone
as a sexy Handmaid's Tale.

THEY LAUGH

Fine.

So... you came.

I couldn't miss it.

That was amazing, by the way.

Well, what can I say?

Maybe the Bride of Frankenstein's
actually a feminist icon.

Er, in the movie, it's more about
pleasuring zombies.

No, no, no,
Frankenstein's not a zombie, OK?

You mean Frankenstein's monster.

Fine, you got me.

So, you really dated that prick?

Just a white boy phase.
Don't hold it against me.

I'd never.

SHE GASPS
It's alive!

It's alive!

HE LAUGHS
Frank! You made it.

HE GROANS

This is Abdulla,
one of my best friends.

Frankenstein's monster, huh?

Er, it's Franken-steen,
thank you very much.

Oh, er, horror fan, too?
Oh, oh, absolutely, bro.

Are you a Bela Lugosi
or Christopher Lee-era Drac?

I didn't think anybody would...
FRANK LAUGHS

Oh, I'm pulling your leg, bro.
Obviously you're Lee. Ha-ha!

But take a look at this one, hey?

Our very own beautiful, empowered,

Punjabi Rani of terror!

FRANK LAUGHS

Guess the white boy phase
isn't over.

HE SIGHS

SHE MUMBLES, SCOFFS

WHAT are you wearing?
What?

Don't play dumb with me.

Are you wearing
what I think you're wearing?

I-I-I'm sorry,
I-I don't understand.

Oh! Poor little posh boy
don't understand old Kath.

Well, listen here, mate.
I don't think THIS is very funny.

Well, I'm not trying to be funny.

I'm trying to be scary.
SHE SCOFFS

That's even worse.

That is a terrible stereotype
you're playing with.

What? It's Halloween.

Every year,
a thousand pricks just like you

think it's OK to parade the streets
dressed as something they're not,

without a single thought
for the peoples

whose culture they appropriate.

Whoa! I'm Count Dracula.

It's, like, literally
the most common Halloween costume.

Yeah, but you're not Count Dracula,
are you?

You're not even one of us,
as far as I can tell.

What are you on about?

You've even painted your face white.

Oh, the cheek! We're not all pale!

And plastic f*cking fangs.

Doesn't get more offensive
than this!

Give that back.

What the hell is your problem?

My problem is dickheads like you

dragging good vampires
through the dirt.

Oh... f*ck right off!

HE GRUNTS

HE GROANS

sh*t!

SHE GASPS

sh*t!

Not the teeth, Kathy.
Never the f*cking teeth!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

That's it.

HE GASPS

HE GROANS

HE GASPS

Jesus Christ!

HE GASPS

I mean... Hai Allah!