01x01 - This Is What Happens

[bunniefuu]

[crickets chirping]

[dog barking in distance]

[inhales deeply]

[groans] God.

Oh, Jesus. [inhales deeply]

Oh. [panting, grunting]

[exhales deeply] Okay.

- [groans]
- [shoes squeaking]

[panting] sh*t.

[breathes heavily] f*ck.

[grunting, breathes heavily]

[grunting, panting]

[panting, muttering] Okay.

[sighs] Okay.

[groans]

[grunting]

f*ck. f*ck.

[exclaiming]

I know what you're thinking:
the pool is a metaphor.

But it was also very f*cking
real and very f*cking cold.

I wasn't generally the kind of guy
who did a lot of introspection.

Of course, until very recently,

I wasn't the kind of guy
who woke up on the floor

of someone else's house
covered in a dead guy's blood

before falling into the
pool, but here we are.

And at that moment,

I couldn't help but
catch a fleeting glimpse,

out of the corner of my eye,

of the swirling hot
mess of my life,

and wonder how the hell everything
could go so wrong so fast.

This is what happens...

[bar patrons chattering]

{\an8}Lloyd, come on.

{\an8}- Let's do shots. Shots.
- [patron] Another round?

{\an8}Yeah, bartender. Um...

- What... What shots do you want?
- [patron] Let's do rum.

What is she drinking? Let's have
some of that. That looks nice.

You look nice. Can
I get you something?

[patron 2] Big promotion, boy!

Big f*cking promotion.
How much did you make?

How much did you make?

[footsteps approaching]

[patrons chattering]

Macallan 25. Bartender
tipped me off.

That's an expensive drink.
I hope I'm worth it.

- Don't worry. You're buying.
- [chuckles]

Liv Cross.

- Andrew Cooper.
- I know.

I work in Mike Shepherd's group.

Oh, I'm sorry. I
didn't recognize you.

It's fine. Mike doesn't let us go
above the seventh floor very often.

The Patrick Bateman
fanboys over there...

- [laughs]
- ...were getting a little wild.

I thought it might be
better if I looked occupied.

Happy to help.

For a minute there it looked like
you were going to come over to me,

but I got impatient.

Yeah, well, I'm, uh, recently single
for the first time in quite a while,

so I'm afraid I
don't have much game.

Saying you have no
game, that's your game.

- It's pretty weak. See what I mean?
- [chuckles] You were married?

Yeah, 18 years.

- That would make you...
- Far too old for you.

- I don't really see age that way.
- [chuckles]

- That's because you're, what, 27?
- Twenty-eight.

- And that's your game.
- Maybe.

Or maybe you've been wrapped up
in the conventions of marriage

- and children...
- Two.

...for so long, living amongst
other married people with children,

that you haven't considered that there
may be an entire segment of the population

who make different choices
and have different goals.

So what are your goals?

Uh, lasting love,

hot, healthy sex,

financial comfort,

peace of mind, harmony.

- I think those are everybody's goals.
- And how many of them have you achieved?

I'm just saying, maybe you should
rethink the rules a little bit.

I could be your father.

I have one already. Milt.

Good guy, and quite
a bit older than you.

- Strangely, that feels like a win.
- Then you need to get out more.

I'm out right now.

No, you're not. Not
really. Not yet.

[chuckles] I'm sorry, do you
talk to everybody like this?

- You didn't ask me if I've been married.
- Have you been married?

Yes. Two years.

- Well, you were too young.
- I was.

Also, it turned out
he liked fat hookers.

Different strokes.

The irony is, I was morbidly
obese as a teenager,

but that was long
before he met me.

Still, after I happened
upon his browsing history,

I did wonder if he'd somehow sensed
the fat girl in me when we met,

and that's what drew him to me.

[chuckles] Trust me, that's
not what drew him to you.

There's that game of yours.

[chuckling] Oh.

Look,

I get that, by and large,
guys your age are idiots.

Whatever that is over there,

the... swinging their
whiskey dicks around.

[inhales deeply]

Narcissistic man-boys far
out of their depth with you,

in conversation and in bed.

So, by comparison, a man my age looks
like the perfect antidote, right?

I'm thoughtful. I'm
wise. I'm more of a man,

- whatever that means these days.
- [laughs]

- But you're 27?
- Twenty-eight.

Twenty-eight, so you're


And at this moment in
time, it works, right?

I have money, you have freedom,

we could travel the world together,
we could learn things from each other.

- In conversation and in bed.
- [chuckles] Yeah. Right.

You'll find me very interesting

'cause I have two decades more
worth of stories than you,

and I find you very interesting 'cause
you live your life in the moment

with the kind of reckless immediacy
that I lost a billion years ago.

So we'll have no trouble
keeping each other entertained.

And that'll work
for a while, right?

Then skip ahead ten years,
you'll be 38. I'll be 58.

That's when things can
start to get a little shaky.

You might want kids,
I already have them.

You might start thinking,
"Oh, have I missed out

on one of life's
great experiences?"

- And you'll still be stunning...
- You think I'm stunning?

I'll be aging.

Well, I can tell you're
gonna age very well.

You can tell that because it's
already started to happen.

The point is that we'll
have less sex and more wine,

and maybe that'll
still work for a time.

Has anyone ever told
you that you talk a lot?

Well, I misplaced my inner monologue
and my wife right around the same time.

Anyway, let's skip
ahead another ten years.

- [sighs] Must we?
- I'll be 68 years old.

No matter how well I
take care of myself,

my prostate's gonna do what
it does and so will my hair,

and you'll start
spending your days

thinking about what your life
looks like after I kick it.

Meanwhile, every time
you leave the house

I'll wonder what young
stud you'll be f*cking.

Really? [stammers]
Are you that insecure?

Well, not yet, but I will be.

- Yeah, what about character?
- Yours or mine?

- You're so sure I'll cheat?
- No, I'm just sure I'll worry about it.

You have this very strange mix of
confidence and low self-esteem.

So, I'll be the
jealous, old troll

and you'll be a restless
woman in her sexual prime,

and we'll both be consumed
by this nagging fear

that the last years of our
life, the... the toughest ones,

will be spent completely
and utterly alone.

Wow.

Just wow. When did you
come up with all of that?

Oh, in the ten seconds it took you
to walk from that stool to this one.

Well, I could sit here and
offer a full-throated rebuttal,

but honestly, man, I was
just looking to get laid.

How many problems do
you have with that?

None come to mind.

[brakes hiss]

{\an8}[garbage collector] Let's do it!

- [sighing]
- [brakes hiss]

- [dog barking]
- [garbage collectors chattering]

[sighs]

[breathes deeply]

[grunts]

[sniffs, sighs]

[inhales deeply]

[groans]

This is what happens...

[car horns honking]

You land a job right out
of college at a major firm.

You're just another cog
in a very large wheel,

- but you've got your foot in the door.
- [chuckles]

You get a shitty apartment in the
city that you can barely afford

because you know
the money will come.

- You get married because, you know...
- [glass shatters]

And she moves into
that shitty apartment.

You're dead broke, but
there's two of you now.

You're in it together
and that feels good.

[both panting]

Sidenote, no one will ever f*ck you the
way she did in that shitty apartment.

Including her.

So you work your asses off
and you dig yourselves out.

Hardest, easiest money
you'll ever make.

Well, it's not exactly
canned food and shotguns.

[ringing]

Hey. Oh, yeah.

[elevator bell dings]

And then, when you're
feeling good about things,

when things are, you know,
copacetic, you have the first kid.

- Breathe, breathe. Oh!
- [grunts, panting]

- [cries]
- [Coop chuckles]

You buy a house, 30% down, 30-year
jumbo at four and a half percent.

And you're broke again.

- [Coop] Uh-huh.
- So you work harder, longer hours.

- You start earning some big bucks...
- Great.

...which only serves to make you
aware of the even bigger bucks

you could be earning.

- [gasps]
- [Coop] Kid number two.

- [kids laughing]
- House number two.

Broke again.

[tires squeal]

But it's a different
kind of broke.

You're leveraged, which
is a fancy way of saying

you've got something to
show for your efforts.

The house, the cars, the stuff.

[speaks indistinctly]

And by now, you've lost sight

of whatever naive plans
you may have once had,

or the things that mattered to
you when you were starting out.

You're moving too fast to ask
yourself those hard questions like,

"When is it enough?"

and, "Really, what's the
point of all this sh*t?"

[employees chattering]

House number three.

Then one day, about five years
after you bought the place,

you look up and realize
that you've gotten there,

to that hallowed plateau
where, for the first time,

you can actually
afford your own life.

And in that mystical nexus where
you seem to have wrangled life

and all of its infinitely complex
challenges into submission,

that's generally where you will find
your wife of 18 years in your bed...

[lover] Oh, sh*t.

- [moans]
- ...with one of your closest friends.

[urinating]

- [sighs, sniffs]
- [dog barking]

["The Suburbs" playing]

House number four.

A rental.

It's small, but don't
worry, it's also depressing.

[song fades]

Why are we still
holding in Pac-Pro?

We're mostly out.

- Mostly? Did he really just say that?
- They're gonna rebound.

Guys, I've been telling you, we
are making money across the book,

we don't need to get
dinged in emerging tech.

Blow out of it, today.

You got it, boss. [sighs]

- What's wrong with him?
- Me? Nothing.

[whispering] He got dumped.

- Aw, is that news?
- I love her, man.

- [colleague chuckles]
- N-No, you don't.

You love love, that's all.

- It's just, I don't know what to do.
- I do. Blow out of Pac-Pro.

- [chuckles]
- [Coop] Thank you.

- Morning, Coop.
- Jack.

Gentlemen.

We on for squash today?

Are we? Did Mary
send me an email?

Mmm, probably my mistake.
Got your bag here?

Yeah.

- Great. Noon?
- Noon.

Excellent.

- [grunts]
- Out. Out. Come on, man. Put it in.

[grunts]

[chuckles]

Serve it. g*dd*mn it.

[Jack sighs]

Hmm. [groans]

How are the kids?

Oh, they're fine.

- Wife?
- Ex-wife.

Yeah, she still with the putz? What's
his name, the basketball player?

Nick. [sighs] Yes.

Ah, he'll get his. Karma, right?

Speaking of which, I gotta
deliver some bad news.

Jesus, Jack, the
cancer's not back, is it?

What? [stammers] No. God, no.

No, my sole remaining testicle
is in good shape. Very plump.

No, the thing of it
is, Coop, you're fired.

Oh. Great. [chuckles]

No, I'm serious. I
gotta let you go.

[sighs]

What?

This girl, Oliv...
What's her name?

- Olivia something or other.
- Hold on. Wait. Girl? What... What girl?

- What are you talking about?
- Cross. Olivia Cross. Olivia Cross.

Oliv...

Liv Cross?

A managing director sleeping
with an associate is...

Wait a minute, no, she
never worked under me.

She was in Shepherd's group.
And-And-And... [scoffs]

I don't think I'd ever
even met her before.

Doesn't matter if you met her.
It matters if you f*cked her.

You did f*ck her, right?

- [panting] f*ck me! [inhales sharply]
- [grunting]

Yeah, but it was, like, a weekend,
uh, like, three months ago.

Completely consensual.

- I mean, she came on to me.
- That's not the point.

You were her superior.

I told you, I d... I-I-I
didn't even know her.

But you knew that she
worked for Shepherd, right?

You see, Coop, the thing is, in her
mind, she was passed up for a VP slot.

VP? She's 27 years old.

No, she's 28, and I'm
not here to litigate.

You can't fire me, Jack.

Well, we have a very strict
non-fraternizing clause, or so I'm told.

But why the f*ck did you bring
me here to... to fire me?

[sighs]

HR needed to get into your
office to get your computer.

Proprietary information,
you know the drill.

Those are my clients.

Well, according to the
non-solicit you signed,

they're ours for at
least another two years.

You're really gonna
bury me like this?

You know how this goes.

My capital account?

- That's my money, Jack. No way.
- You were fi...

- Come on, Jack. You cannot do that.
- You were fired for cause.

Everything I have is in that
account. You-You'd destroy me, Jack.

I'm sorry it has to be this
way, but it has to be this way.

I'll sue.

They'll give you six
months' draw if you don't.

f*ck you.

Yeah. Well...

[sighs] I'll give you
a few days to decide.

[breathes heavily]

[sighing]

[Coop] Hunter. Oh!

[whistles]

[dance music plays
on headphones]

What are you doing here?

Wrapped up a little early,
thought I'd come pick you up.

- It's not Tuesday.
- I know.

I thought maybe we
could hang out a little.

- Maybe go eat some ice cream.
- Am I in trouble?

Jesus, Hunter, no.

Can't a father just spend some
unscheduled quality time with his son?

How's school?

- [music on headphones]
- Hmm?

- How's school?
- Fine.

How's that tutor we got
you? Is she working out?

I guess.

You got a girlfriend?

- No.
- Any prospects?

No.

You think at some point
today you might respond to me

with an answer longer
than two syllables?

[sighs] Maybe.

[Coop groans]

- You're coming in?
- Yeah, Tori's here. I wanna say hi.

- Hi, bub.
- [Hunter] Hey, Mom.

- How was your day?
- Good.

What are you doing here?

Wha... I... I took Hunter
for some ice cream.

It's not Tuesday.

So I've been told.

- Is Tori here?
- She's not home yet.

[sighs]

- What?
- What?

What is the look?

- I didn't give you any look.
- You were giving me the look that...

there's the look where you're
trying not to give me a look.

So, what's the problem?

I think it's a little tricky when you
show up on a day that isn't your day.

I took him out for
ice cream, my God.

It's confusing for him.
Boundaries are there for a reason.

Boundaries? You
mean, like monogamy?

[chuckles] Really, Coop?

It's been almost two years. When are
you gonna stop playing that card?

I don't know, what is the statute
of limitations on adultery?

Probably less time than you've
spent playing the sad cuckold.

- Who says cuckold? Who are you?
- You know what?

If you were even
remotely self-aware,

you'd realize these things
don't happen in a vacuum,

and you could maybe take a little portion
of responsibility for your side of it.

Okay, I'm sorry, but you sleep with
Nick, you kick me out of this place,

I'm forced to pay
for this entire mess,

and I'm the one that's
not being responsible?

I'm not doing this right now.

Oh, well, it's really
no fun doing it alone.

- Oh, hey!
- What?

Did he tell you he
needs a new drum kit?

He needs a new drum kit? What
is wrong with his old one?

I don't know, it's
old and warped.

This band he's playing with, and
they're very good, by the way,

said he needs a new one.

- God.
- Nick offered to pick one up...

No. I... Nick doesn't need to
pick up a drum set for my kid.

- I'm just saying, if you're really busy...
- I can handle it.

Oh, wait. Coop.

I took Tori to
the dermatologist.

- Her skin is fine.
- Yeah, you wanna tell her that?

She wants this new laser treatment.
It's three times and then you're done,

- $1,500 a pop.
- [sighs]

They're gonna email
you the invoice.

Every time I see you
it costs me money.

Try sticking to Tuesdays.

Tell Tori her father says hi.

Jesus.

f*cking Christ. Are
you f*cking kidding me?

Oh. Oh, sh*t. I'm sorry.
That is totally my bad, man.

Yeah, it was.

- Here, let me give you my info.
- [sighs] Tori?

- [Tori] Hi, Daddy.
- [car door closes]

Jake, this is my father.

Daddy, this is Jake. [sighs]

Pleasure to meet you, sir.

I-I'm sorry I had to ding
your car to do it. [chuckling]

Wait, who are you?

Jake Weston.

Okay, that tells me nothing.

He's my boyfriend.

- I'm sorry, how old are you?
- I'm 20, sir.

[stammers] Stop calling me
sir. No one is buying it.

- Sorry. [stammers]
- Okay, y-you're twe...

Sh-She's 17. Are you familiar
with the laws in this state?

- It's not like that, sir.
- Daddy.

Okay. [stammers] Jake, is it?

If you call me sir one more time,
I'm gonna punch you in the d*ck.

Dad, you're being crazy.
Mom, Dad's being crazy.

- You're okay with this?
- Why don't you guys go inside

- and get something to eat?
- You know about this?

You're fine with it?

- I'm sorry about the car.
- Okay, f*ck off, Jake. f*ck right off.

- What is your problem?
- What is your problem?

You're okay with the statutory
r*pe of our daughter?

- Oh, please.
- What?

- She's in love with him.
- She is a child. He's 20 years old.

How is that okay in your world?

- [Nick] Baby.
- Oh, my God.

You leave them alone
tog... Great, Nick's here.

- Hi.
- [Nick] Hey, Coop.

He'll solve it.

Let me get out here
to see this man.

- Hey. [chuckles]
- Hi.

[Nick] Oh... [stammers]
...okay. Right. Yeah.

{\an8}You know, I was, uh,

{\an8}about to grill up these terrific
skirt steaks I just picked up.

{\an8}I mean, why don't
you stick around?

Why don't I stick around? Hmm.

Uh... [stammers] ...why
don't I stick around?

I guess why I don't stick around
is probably because the idea

of going into my backyard

{\an8}and eating steaks grilled
on my $5,000 grill

{\an8}by the man who's f*cking my
wife would make me wanna take...

- [spouse] Wow.
- ...my Shun Fuji steak knife

and cut out my own heart.

That's probably why I
don't wanna stick around.

- So, I'm gonna go. [sighs]
- [car door closes]

[Nick sighs, stammers]
Look, I-I get it, Coop.

I feel you, man. I really do.

I'm just trying to find a
way past this, you know?

For all of us.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Tell that little sh*t I'm
gonna send him a bill.

[spouse] Watch your toes, babe.

- [person 1 on television] I drove all...
- [Coop sighs]

...while Haskell
slept like a log.

After a while I began
to get sleepy myself.

I was happy though.

- Soon I'd be with Sue again.
- [sighs]

- The long trip was practically over...
- f*ck.

...and there'd be no more
hoofing it down the concrete.

[sighs]

I began to think of the future

which couldn't have been brighter if
I'd embroidered it with neon lights.

It was nice to think of
Sue sh**ting to the top.

Maybe it was for me too.

Don't you realize if I'm caught

they'll want to know where
I got the car and stuff.

And they'll have me
on a m*rder charge.

[person 2 on television] If you're
smart, you won't get caught.

Hey.

What are you doing?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yeah! f*ck yeah! Come on.

[Coop] Samantha's husband, Paul,
made his fortune in diners.

- He had nine of them, a 44-inch waist...
- Oh, God.

...and a serious case
of erectile dysfunction.

Yes! g*dd*mn it! Yeah!

[Coop] Since they separated, she'd
been making up for lost time.

- [Samantha grunts]
- Ow.

[sighs] Jesus.

[tapping on phone]

You know, I think you
actually broke the skin.

[Samantha] Oh, well, that's how
you know I wasn't faking it.

Everything okay?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Do you have to go?

Uh, no.

Oh, why? Did you...
Did you want me to go?

No, I just...

You looked like you
had something...

- Oh. [chuckles] No.
- ...important.

U-Um, but okay. Okay.

Hey, wha... wha... what...

- what just happened?
- What? Everything's perfect.

No, if... if you have
something you wanna say,

- please just say it.
- [laughs]

I mean, you were just literally
coming inside me a minute ago,

and now you can't get
rid of me fast enough.

Oh, Sam, my God.

No, honestly, it's fine.
No, it's fine. I'll go.

[stammers] Seriously, I
mean, it's biology, right?

The, uh, dopamine crash
after the rush of orgasm.

I thought maybe something
was going on with your kids.

No, my kids are fast asleep, but
thank you so much for your concern.

Okay, look, I... Maybe something's
getting misconstrued here.

I feel like you're not
understanding me. Look...

No, it's just a little off-putting
if I'm being honest, and...

I mean, 'cause you
called me, right?

And then I changed into
something sexy, and...

- Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam.
- ...I got a sitter and I exfoliated.

- Mmm. Hmm?
- Sam.

I'm sorry.

Okay? I don't want you to leave.

Tell me the truth.

Do you ever think that we could
be something more than this?

[Coop] Come on. Sam.

Come on.

We'd been doing this on
and off for half a year,

and I had yet to
stick the landing.

Look, you know the kind of numbers
I was doing over at Bailey, right?

I could bring half
that book over here,

uh, we combine that with
the Texas oil families,

I could be doing half a billion dollars
in under a year. Come on. It's a win-win.

And you haven't slept with
any of our associates yet.

Oh. [sighs]

Look, Jack's making calls.
No one's allowed to date you.

Come on, Monty. I got you
this job. Just bring me in.

He's making calls, man.

Look, uh, I know Jack's
been making calls.

f*ck Jack. He's got
no friends here.

[chuckles] That's good to know.

Look, I can't afford
to piss Jack off.

Not now, not with the beating
we're taking in tech this year.

I have been wanting to
poach you for a while.

- Well...
- What's your non-solicit, 90 days?

You were once in this seat,
Monty, and I was in yours.

- Yeah, I know.
- Two years?

Didn't you get a lawyer
look before you signed?

Well, they made it worth
my while, what can I say?

You want my advice?

Not really.

Come on, Coop. You know I
can't bring you in cold.

Take some time off, you let the stink fade
'cause no one's gonna touch you right now.

You should reach out to one of the new
family offices coming out of Dubai.

They won't give a sh*t about your
non-solicit or this thing with the girl.

The girl wasn't a thing.

They won't care either
way is my point.

Coop, come on,
don't be like that.

[breathes deeply]

[sighing]

[Coop] Sorry I'm late.

I got the usual. Mmm.

You going to that
Miller thing tomorrow?

I was invited, why wouldn't I?

No reason.

If I avoided every social situation
because Mel and Nick might be there,

- I'd never leave the f*cking house.
- Hey, I'm on Team Coop.

- There's no teams.
- [chuckles] Bullshit.

[sniffs] Okay, what's wrong?

What?

You're not checking your phone.

You're not rushing through
the meal. Something's up.

What if I didn't
work for a while?

Now, why would you do that?

I don't know, maybe to see my
kids. I don't know, read a book.

So, we're talking
a couple weeks,

- maybe a month?
- Exactly.

Or, like, a year.

Coop, there comes a time
in every conversation

when a man has to cut the sh*t
and get to the f*cking point.

I lost my job.

- Who'd you f*ck?
- Hey.

- Why would you automatically jump to...
- No, no, no, no.

You're not a drunk or a r*cist
and your numbers were good,

so that leaves f*ck.

Jesus, Barney,
come on. [stammers]

I just don't understand why Jack
would hang me out like that.

- I mean, it was borderline at best.
- [sighs]

Jack saw a way to cut you loose
and keep your book. Was it really?

- Was what really?
- Borderline at best.

Well, she worked on a
completely different floor.

- I didn't know her.
- You couldn't find someone else?

- Anyone else?
- She hit on me.

- That doesn't matter.
- Well, it f*cking should.

It should. It should matter.

Bailey will settle.

What?

Sue Bailey Russell.
They'll settle.

Why would they do that?

'Cause you're not a drunk or a
r*cist and your numbers were good.

They don't want this to
go to a judge. Sue them.

You're my business
manager, not my lawyer.

And as your business manager,

I'm strongly encouraging
you to hire a lawyer.

I just need to know how long
I can float on what I got.

[sighs] Your nut?

Six months. Seven tops.

That can't be true.

Alimony, child support, two
houses, cars, private schools,

not to mention your sister, and
that's just off the top of my head.

Jack will settle.

Jack will crush me. I can't afford
to go up against those guys.

You can't afford not to.

I just thought I
had so much more.

You did. Then you got hammered
last year on tech stocks.

Everybody got hammered
last year on tech.

Everyone didn't get divorced
or f*ck their coworker.

- You should go see Monty.
- I did. Lance too.

- No dice?
- I have a two-year non-solicit.

I know.

["Country House" playing]

Coop, what are you drinking?

Forget that.

I got a 15-year-old Japanese
whiskey you gotta try.

- Two.
- [ice clinks]

Lehayim. [chuckles]

Mmm. Mmm. How smooth
is that, right?

- Hmm. Yeah.
- [sniffs]

[friend] So, um...

how's the single life?

Well, has its moments.

[sighs] Bullshit.

It's gotta be a g*dd*mn
smorgasbord of a*s out there.

Come on, give me something.
Some news from the front.

[Coop chuckles]

Oh, hey, I'm, um, chairing that
cancer benefit again this year,

and I penciled you in for two
tables, same as last year.

[sighs] How much are
the tables again?

Thirty grand.
Sixty for the pair.

Come on, you bought
two tables last year.

Yeah, well, I wasn't
divorced last year, Peter.

Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.

I wasn't thinking.

I shouldn't have put you
on the spot like that.

[sighs]

I'll eat the tables and
take your name off the list.

Leave it on.

- You sure?
- Yeah, it's fine. It's fine.

- Wasn't trying to be an as*h*le.
- [stammers, chuckles]

I guess to some people
it just comes naturally.

[chuckles] f*ck off.

- [guest chattering]
- [Peter] Hey, uh...

Mmm, that's okay, right?

We're all adults here.

- Sure. It's all good.
- Good stuff.

Whoa. Out there
living dangerously.

- 25, please.
- You got it.

Thank you.

[breathes deeply]

Three-time NBA all-star.
What are you gonna do?

Yeah. [sighs]

I'll have what he's
having, just more of it.

- [bartender] You got it.
- [Coop breathes deeply]

Team Coop?

[laughs]

[chattering]

And one more.

So, I... [stammers]
...I said to Peter...

[stammers] ...we have to get
away with the kids, you know,

while we still can before they
want nothing to do with us

because then what are we gonna
do? Talk to each other? [chuckles]

We've been married
way too long for that.

[laughing, distorted]

- [laughs]
- [shushes, laughs]

[laughs]

[Nick laughing]

- [normal audio resumes]
- [host mumbles, chuckles]

So, on Saturday, we
leave for Belize.

I found us this villa,
stunning view of the coast.

The kids have their
own villa next door

- so we're not on top of each other.
- I'll be right back.

But we know we'll see them because
we're the ones with the chef

and the dining room, so
when they get hungry...

[chuckles] ...I mean, the Turtle Inn
does not know what is about to hit it.

How you doing, Coop? You okay?

I'm okay, Mel. How are you?

Yeah.

Hey, you two, can I
just... can I just say,

I love that you had
such a friendly divorce.

[chuckles] Diane.

[Diane] No, I'm just say...
No, I'm just saying, you know.

Remember when Mike and Gayle got
divorced? It was like Armageddon here.

- Do you remember that?
- [stammers]

They can't even be in
the same room together.

They can't be in the same city.

- Right?
- [guests chuckling]

Sam, you think you and Paul are gonna
be able to keep things friendly?

Oh, not a chance in hell,

but thanks for asking, you know,
in front of everyone like that.

[Diane] I just... I admire how you
guys handled everything with class.

You know, babe, when we get divorced,
I think we should do it like that.

[chuckles] That's it.
I'm cutting you off.

- I'm just...
- [Peter chuckles]

I think it's great...

how we're all so
enlightened... [chuckles]

- See?
- ...you know?

I mean, Mel... Yeah, Mel and Nick
had an affair and ended our marriage,

and I guess time will tell how
f*cked up our kids are gonna be,

but, you know, you all are being
so awesome about the whole thing.

I mean, if I'd have known...

[both chuckle]

I'm gonna go take
a piss. [chuckles]

[sniffs, sighs]

[sighs]

[breathes deeply]

- [breathes deeply]
- [urinating]

[sniffs]

- [urinating continues]
- [water splashes]

- Oops.
- [urinating stops]

[groans]

[tap running, stops]

[chattering,
laughing in distance]

[drawer opens, closes]

[breathes deeply]

[person 1 on television] We
don't know how she was k*lled.

I think the weapon...

[person 2 on television] She
was struck with a candlestick.

[person 1] A candlestick?
Are you sure?

[person 2] A heavy silver one.

- [person 1] How can you know?
- Microscope.

[Coop playing drums]

Here. Just...

[chimes]

One of you guys wanna trade
cars for a little while?

f*ck yeah.

[grunts]

[doorknob rattles]

[chattering, laughing, echoing]

[toilet flushes]

- f*ck!
- Jesus.

- [Tori] Daddy!
- What the... Oh, for God's sake!

f*cking unbelievable.

[grunts]

- Mr. Cooper.
- Go away, Jake.

Sorry, sir. We didn't know
you were gonna be here,

- swear to G... [grunts] f*ck.
- [grunts]

- Daddy! What did you do? Oh, my God.
- [groaning]

- I told you to stop calling me sir.
- [Tori] Are you okay?

[cell phone ringing]

- What the f*ck is wrong with you?
- [Jake groaning]

- [Tori] Oh, my God. Dad.
- I gotta take this. Hey.

- [crying] Punched me in the... [groaning]
- No, Bruce, I'm sorry. What?

- What can I do? What do you need?
- Oh, God. Yeah.

- I mean, I can be there in ten minutes.
- [Tori] Are you insane?

[Coop] Yeah, sorry
about this. Bye.

Just... Put some ice on it
or something. It'll be fine.

[grunts]

- [whimpers]
- [car door closes]

["Fake Plastic Trees" playing]

[singer] ♪ Looks
like the real thing ♪

♪ You taste like
the real thing ♪

♪ My fake plastic love ♪

Hey, Bruce.

- Thanks for coming, Coop.
- [Coop] You know it.

[singer] ♪ But I can't
help the feeling ♪

♪ I could blow
through the ceiling ♪

♪ If I could just turn and run ♪

Hey, Andy.

Bruce called me.

Yeah, I figured he would.

I could use the
ride home anyway.

How did you get here?

I walked.

You off your meds again?

Just wanted to feel
something, you know?

How you feel?

- Shitty, actually. [chuckles]
- Hmm.

How was your day?

Oh. The same.

You don't look so great,
and that's coming from me.

Come on. Let's get you home.

[Coop grunts]

[sighs]

[singer breathes deeply]

He still loves me, you know.

Honey, he's got a
wife and two kids.

Well, everybody's got something.

What're you playing there?
The Smashing Pumpkins?

Um. Radiohead,
dipshit. [chuckles]

Right, right. Of
course. Come on.

Hey.

You'll be all right.

Give me this. Get in.

- New car?
- It's a loaner.

- Don't give me any sh*t.
- [chuckles]

[exhales deeply]

I'm in trouble, Ali.

How bad?

I might need you to give up the apartment
and move back in with Mom and Dad.

Well, sucks for them.

Yeah. It will if you
don't take your meds.

I make no promises.

- This car smells like a*s.
- God, I know.

- It's like something died in it.
- [engine starts]

[pedestrians chattering]

Liv. Liv.

Just... Please let me
talk to you for a second.

[sighs] Look... Look, I'm really
sorry about what happened to you.

It sucks that they fired you.

- Do you really feel that way?
- Of course I do.

Well then, can you please
withdraw your complaint?

I mean, you c... you can recant and
indemnify Bailey against a lawsuit.

- I can get my job back.
- What?

Look, I'm sorry if I mishandled
things with you in any way.

I just thought we were
both having a good time.

Wait. Stop. Just stop. I-I...

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I never filed a complaint.

[elevator bell dings]

[receptionist] Coop.
He's on a call.

It's o... It's okay, Mary.

- There was never any complaint.
- Coop. You can't be here.

Liv Cross never
filed a complaint.

It's an HR issue. I
only know what I'm told.

Bullshit, Jack. You did this.

You broke company policy.
My hands were tied.

You saw an opportunity to take my
book and you decided to f*ck me.

You f*cked yourself.

I thought we were friends.

At least let me keep my
f*cking capital account.

[stammers] I'm begging you. That's
my money. I need that money.

- No, it isn't.
- [knocks on door]

Your biggest mistake was thinking
any of this was ever yours.

All right, all right.

It's not yours if
you can't keep it.

[screams]

[person 1 on television] I just can't
let you ruin that beautiful motor.

Okay, start her up.

[cell phone buzzes]

[sighs]

[exhales deeply]

- Here.
- Ooh.

[grunts]

How is Tori's boyfriend?

- Jake?
- That's correct.

He'll survive.

Hmm. And Tori?

[clicks tongue]

You gotta give it a couple
more days. I'm working on it.

You're not yourself, Coop.

[sighs]

Look, I'm sorry about the barbecue.
I was a little overserved.

I'm not talking about the barbecue,
and I'm not talking about the fact

that you assaulted our
daughter's boyfriend.

- Although, Jesus Christ.
- What then?

I don't know.

You just seem so...

alone.

Yeah, well, I live
here, and you...

[inhales deeply] ...live there
in our house with our kids.

- I know.
- You left me. That would make me...

alone. [sighs]

That's not what I'm
talking about though.

I'm worried about you.

[sighs]

Hey.

What is it?

Now, come on. You can still
talk to me, can't you?

I'm fine.

I am. [stammers]
I'm finding my way.

[chuckles]

Okay.

[Coop sighs]

Fair enough.

Thanks for coming by.

Thanks for the beer.

Miss Cross.

- How can I help you?
- I was hoping for an explanation.

The Andrew Cooper thing.

I didn't file a complaint.

Somebody reported your
involvement to HR.

- But there was no complaint.
- Whiskey?

- No.
- Sit.

I'm sorry that it was phrased
like that, but complaint or not,

Mr. Cooper was in direct violation
of our company's code of conduct.

He's in a position of power,

and we take our
protections very seriously.

He's nowhere on my org chart.

I don't report to anyone
who reports to him.

Does that mean he couldn't
get you fired if he so chose?

- He didn't need to lose his job.
- Hmm.

I've got a conference room full of
labor lawyers who say otherwise.

Shepherd tells me that you're a star.
He wants to put you up for promotion.

He wants you running your own
desk. Are you ready for that?

How is that related to this?

Oh, I'm done with this.
I've moved on to that.

I'm more interested in your
future than Coop's past.

I'll tell you what. I've got
a phone call in a minute,

but let's do dinner later
in the week and discuss.

Mary will check your avails.

Shouldn't Shepherd join us?

Shepherd's welcome to join.

Thank you.

["What Would You Call
Yourself" playing]

[film noir on television]

[basketball thuds]

[song intensifies]

[both exclaiming]

[song ends]

[Diane] Okay, uh, do
you have everything...

[Coop] Viewed from a
certain perspective,

life boils down to a series
of interconnected decisions.

The Millers decided
to go to Belize.

I decided to go to the Millers'.

Westmont Village has its
own private security patrol,

as well as the Westmont
police department.

The crime rate is
almost nonexistent.

You live in a place
like that long enough,

you start to feel insulated
from the rest of the world.

You get complacent about
things like alarm systems

and locking all your doors.

The Patek Philippe Nautilus:
sealed 18-karat white gold,

blue sunburst dial,

water-resistant up to 30 meters,
like that will ever come up.

Like the ads say, "You never
actually own a Patek Philippe,

you merely look after it
for the next generation."

Well, the next generation
tells time on their phones,

so I figured no one was
gonna miss this one.

[drawer closes]

[doorbell rings]

[breathing heavily]

[police radio chatter]

[doorbell rings]

Hi, guys. Is-Is,
uh, everything okay?

Good evening, sir.
You live here?

Yeah, yeah, I sure do.

[officer] Your house was placed on
a vacation watch starting tonight.

We saw the Honda parked down the
street, the lights on in the house...

figured we'd check in.

[sighs] That's my son's car.

I told him to pull it into
the garage before we left.

So you are going on vacation?

Oh, yeah. Bright and
early tomorrow morning.

My wife must've given you the
wrong date when she called it in.

- No worries. Have a great trip.
- [sighs] Thanks, you guys.

I appreciate it.

[sighs]

[breathing deeply]

[laughing]

I don't know what
I was thinking.

Well, that's not true.

I was thinking that Peter and
Diane Miller were assholes,

and they didn't
deserve all of this.

And I was thinking that there were
plenty of assholes just like them

in the neighborhood, with
houses just like this,

filled with expensive sh*t just like
this that would never be missed.

Piles of forgotten wealth
just lying around in drawers

where they were doing
no one any good.

I knew this because, up
until a little while ago,

I'd been one of those assholes.

[sniffs]

{\an8}I was thinking about alimony, child
support, legal fees, two houses,

a maxed out home equity line,
tuition, property taxes,

health insurance
premiums, SAT tutors,

child psychologists,
car payments, gardeners,

exterminators, roofers,
painters, plumbers, drum kits,

and a bank account that was still
in the red from the divorce.

And how no one, including
the cops apparently,

would ever suspect
a guy like me.

I'm not saying it
was a good idea.

It was just temporary.

A quick fix to pay some bills
until I got back on my feet.

And I figured, what's the
worst that could happen?