02x06 - Set Your Flag on Fire

[bunniefuu]

Previously on SurrealEstate.

- August Ripley.

- Rochelle Decker.

I get these things.

I can't hear them

anymore, I can't see them.

- [HISSING]

- But I know them.

You know, I always liked you, Zooey.

She's one of us.

One of us. One of us.

I heard about the day

you left the church.

The organization

wasn't meeting my needs.

[SUSAN] Dear Luke, please consider this

my resignation from the Roman Agency.

Effective immediately.

Susan Ireland.

[DRAMATIC BOOM]

[THUNDER BOOMING]

[LEAVES RUSTLING]

[EERIE SCORE]

[BLADE RINGS]

[SLOW NASAL INHALE, EXHALE]

[LOW GROANING]

[GROAN]

Hasan!

[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS ON PORCH]

[GRUNT]

[DRAMATIC SCORE]

[BLADE RINGS]

[PAPER CRINKLING]

[THUNDER CRACKLES]

[KNIFE THUDS]

- [EVIL CHUCKLING]

- [SHOW THEME PLAYS]

[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]

[MAN SCREAMING]

[GENTLE SCORE]

[LUKE] Mina, Tarik,

I can't give you a

guaranteed sale date or price.

Nobody can. The market is

a living, breathing thing.

So, what was that number

you gave us five minutes ago?

That is a listing price

that I think will put us

in a very positive

position. I suspect we'll get

several offers above that,

but, well, wait and see.

So,

is there anything else

that I need to know?

- Mmm. No.

- Mmm. No. Nothing. No.

- No, I-I-I don't

- Sounds great.

I don't think so, no.

These older houses often have, uh,

features and quirks that could impact

the potential sales

price and days on market.

Now, if this is the case,

we are very good at

managing these things,

but now is the time to tell us.

Did you tell him about

the antichrist next door?

- Daria.

- He needs to know.

The Masseys.

Our neighbors from hell.

Unreasonable neighbors aren't that

unusual.

Unreasonable?

They've been a problem

since we moved in.

We've tried to be good neighbors.

Ask anyone else on the block.

- But with the Masseys?

- If they find out we're selling,

they'll try to sabotage us.

Badmouth us. Scare away the buyers.

Who wants to live next

to murderous psychopaths?

We generally try and

keep those b*llet points

out of the marketing materials.

What can we do?

Well, generally, I like

to head off the problem

by reaching out first; Create goodwill.

Goodwill? Good luck.

You'd be surprised what a

properly deployed muffin basket

can achieve. Now, are

you done with this?

Nice landscaping.

Least they keep the property up.

That's what they always

say about axe murderers:

"Gee, what a surprise.

They took such good care of their yard."

Hm.

Hey!

Nice greenery.

Aren't they?

[SCORE FADES OUT]

So, should be an easy one. A normie.

Hm. Just like Susan suggested.

[LUKE SIGHS]

We've always welcomed every client,

regardless of their degree

of metaphysical engagement,

so the Hasans should be pretty simple.

Open, show, closing.

But their neighbors have

got them really spooked.

Perhaps it's just bad chemistry.

Maybe, but, Phil, when you do

the HCP at the Hasan house

I'll check the Massey place, too.

Maybe they're just too alike?

I mean, suburbia rots

everyone's brain sooner or later.

The Hasans have lived

there for eight years.

They never had problems with

anyone else, or so they say.

August, I want you in

there sooner than later.

Hasans don't seem like the

type to make this up, but

There was a fascinating

study done on Norwegian rats

- [PHONE BUZZING]

- living in close proximity

Tarik? We were just talking about you.

[DRAMATIC SCORE]

What?

Okay

you're gonna have to believe us now.

I can't believe a normal person would

Go all Ozzy Osbourne and

then drop it on our doorstep?

I told you, these people are sick.

- [MINA GASPS]

- [TENSE SCORE]

I can't take this anymore.

- [GASPS]

- You don't have to.

Tarik, this really isn't the time

to get into an altercation

with these people.

[TARIK] Massey!

[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]

Massey, you cowardly pile of puke!

Come out and face me! Massey!

And don't just send out

your freakishly tall wife

to fight your battles!

I want a piece of you!

- Man, dial it down a little.

- [DOOR OPENS]

What'd you say about my wife?

I don't think that he meant anything.

She's tall! Freakishly tall!

Abnormally tall!

- You take that back.

- Or what?

You gonna unleash Slenderwoman on me?

I'm gonna do some unleashing, all right.

- [DOG BARKING]

- What kind of a sicko

rips the head off a bird and

puts it on someone's porch?

The kind of sicko who's tired of getting

a midnight suntan, that's who!

- My porch light, my rules!

- Tariq, put down the rock.

My dog! Your a*s! How about that?

- Mr. Massey, put down the dog.

- Whoa-h*-h*.

And a shadow covers the land

as the 50-foot woman attacks.

Eat a heaping bowl of sh*t, Hasan!

You bird dismemberer!

- You're insane!

- You're a sociopath!

- You're neighbors!

- Come get your bird, Massey.

Okay. Go get 'em, Buttercup!

- Go on!

- No!

[DOG BARKING]

- [MINA CRYING IN FEAR]

- [DOG GROWLING]

[MASSEY AND RENATA LAUGHING]

Hope he saved me a drumstick.

Hm.

- [SCORE FADES OUT]

- [BIRDS CHIRPING]

[RENATA] The irony

is I'm only five-nine.

In heels.

You always had this kind of, um

tension between you?

Tension? They made our lives

a living hell ever since we moved in.

- Thought you were here first?

- Oh!

Look. Look at the things they do.

It's a little hard to make out.

Yeah, that's because of

their goddam porchlight.

Thing's gotta be like

a 100 jillion lumens.

It shines right into

our bedroom all night.

Well, did you talk to them about it?

Yeah. They suggested

something involving a place

where the sun doesn't

shine. It was hurtful.

Yeah, that's not even the worst of it.

Here, look at this.

- Does that say ?

- Yeah!

- The 'f word'.

- Son of a b*tch

snuck onto our property at night

and wrote it in huge letters

with a fertilizer

spreader on our front lawn.

We had to mow every few days

to keep it from growing taller

and corrupting young people.

Well, you did pin a note

to their door with a knife.

- [DRAMATIC SCORE]

- Have you seen their hedges?

They look like the lead singer from

- What's the name of that band?

- The Melvins.

The Melvins! And

they refuse to trim 'em!

You know how something like

that can affect property values!

Okay.

Look, you seem okay

for a real estate guy.

And if you sell the house,

we'll be glad to see them go.

But there's no g*dd*mn way

that we are gonna help them do anything.

You mark my words:

If we ever turn up dead

and headless, bleeding out

on the porch like that poor

bird Buttercup got hold of,

you'll know the Hasans did it.

Well,

meanwhile, enjoy the muffins.

- [PENSIVE SCORE]

- [AUGUST] Quitting? Already?

Well, you've only been

a real estate agent

for a few days.

You closed the Dunn-Herberts

when no one else could.

Yeah. And then I went home

and took a 45-minute shower

to wash off the filmy

residue of capitalism.

It's called growing up.

No, this was called selling out.

And I just don't think

that it's right for me.

But I also don't want

to let Luke down either.

It's fine to wander when you're young.

Noble, even.

But one must eventually choose a path

and follow it to the end

because old wanderers

lack direction, purpose.

- And they often pee outdoors.

- [ELEVATOR ARRIVING CHIME]

Ew.

[SCORE FADES OUT]

Hi. May I help you?

Oh, I'm-I'm looking for Phil Orley.

- May I say who is here?

- [SCOFFS]

- [ELEVATOR ARRIVING CHIME]

- Philly can't possibly be

important enough to merit

this level of screening.

[CHUCKLE] Oh, Philly.

Hey, Philly. Que pasa?

- Abby!

- [SIGHS]

Wh-what are you doing

here? Is everything okay?

Everything's fine. I was just about to

submit a blood sample

to your secretary here.

[CHUCKLE] It's not too late.

This is Zooey, our newest agent.

Zooey, my big sister, Abby.

- Charmed.

- Mm.

Okay, come on.

So, Abs, not that this

isn't a treat, but what's up?

I was in town and wondered

if you and Anthony were free for dinner.

In town for what?

To take you and Anthony for dinner.

I was taking care of some paperwork

from mom and dad's

estate you're welcome

and thought what a great excuse to visit

my third-favorite little brother.

Play your cards right and that

second-favorite slot

might even open up.

Okay, well, I'll have to check

with Anthony. He's really busy

How 'bout that place we

all went to last Christmas?

- Fremonts?

- Fremonts. Tomorrow night? 7:00?

Abby, I've got a ton of work on

my plate right now. I don't

I know you're so busy and important.

Let's make it 7:30.

Give this a quick look.

We'll talk at dinner.

- Bye.

- [PHIL SIGHS]

- [ELEVATOR CALL DING]

- [ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN]

My big sister, ladies and gentlemen.

- Yeah, I'm not sure I like her.

- Oh, me neither.

Luke wanted you to call him, by the way.

Okay.

Philly.

I hate to say it, but

the records look clean.

Property line has stayed the

same since it was farmland.

Well, how long have they been there?

That's gonna take a deeper dive.

Farm bureau records,

folklore, anecdotals

Well, these houses

have been here a while.

See if you can track down

who lived here before.

- I love a challenge.

- Hm.

- [PENSIVE SCORE]

- [CALL DISCONNECTING CLICK]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Good news is it's a great house

at a reasonable price point.

- [SCORE FADES OUT]

- The buyers should be lined up.

I think we know the bad news already.

They live next door.

Honestly, I have to tell you,

I spoke with them and they were

- Don't say it!

- Reasonable. Even nice.

You were here!

Did you not see the decapitated bird?

They told me their dog did that.

And you believed them?

Honestly, I don't know who to believe.

You did some kind of

extreme stuff to them, too.

He showed you the lawn.

You're not exactly innocents here.

Then maybe we need to

find new representation.

- Mm-hm.

- You'd fire us?

Wow, that is wildly unprecedented

and certainly your

prerogative, but my solution

would be to sell your

house as quickly as possible

for the most amount of money possible

and put some space

between you and the Masseys

before you develop a nuclear program.

[PENSIVE SCORE]

We have that block party coming up.

A lot of people come to that.

Great! Everybody loves a block party.

Gives people a real chance to

get a feel for the neighborhood,

see how well everybody gets along.

If it'll get us out of here faster,

we'll fake it.

That is all I want to hear!

Look, you don't need to love them.

Just don't attack them for a while.

We'll try.

And maybe turn off that porch light

that burns like a thousand suns?

We'll see.

There you go. Peace in our time.

[SCORE TURNS DARKER]

Your greatest advantage is that you live

in a highly desirable neighborhood

and no other inventory

is available here.

- You get to set the market and

- [HAMMERING]

This means w*r.

[SCORE FADES OUT]

[PHIL] I really appreciate

you coming in, Mr. Flynn.

Oh, my office is just around the corner.

Great. So, you used to live

at 4 Sotherfield Lane, right?

Next door to Rowan and Renata Massey?

- Ohh They were the worst.

- [UNSETTLING SCORE]

- How so?

- Arguments.

Noisy. Nasty.

All the time endless.

About what?

You know, neighbor stuff.

Anything specific?

They k*lled my cat!

- Excuse me?

- They put out a bowl of

antifreeze and poisoned my cat!

- That's dark.

- Weird.

I forgot it until just now.

- Hey.

- [BRITISH ACCENT] Yeah?

- You work for Rita.

- [PLAYFUL SCORE]

I'm her assistant.

Hm.

[DOOR OPENING]

[DOOR CLOSING]

Hey! You never mentioned you

were thinking about selling.

Oh, we been thinking

about it for a while.

You know, we got the nicer house

and we're empirically better people,

so why let them set

the market, you know?

Luke! So nice to see you.

I'm afraid this house is a

tiny bit out of your price range,

but maybe we can help you find

a nice haunted amusement park,

or something.

- Can I have a word?

- Hm.

Look who's over there.

Listen, Rita, there

is something going on

between these neighbors.

A little friction between neighbors?

Happens all the time.

- [HASAN] You piece of crap!

- [EDGY SCORE]

[UNINTELLIGIBLE YELLING]

You had to horn in on our actions!

We have every right to

expose it to the open market,

- just the same as you!

- Swear to God, you better not

That cow meant everything to us

and you took her for your own!

The cow wandered onto our land!

You were trying to claim him!

whole crop of sorghum!

We will have nothing for

the rest of the season.

- Don't dare tell me what to do!

- I'll bite them off your hand!

- Tarik!

- I've had enough of you, buddy!

Tarik!

Remember what we talked about?

Back in the house.

- This isn't over! Swear to God!

- No, it's not over,

because you're not

lying in a pool of blood!

- Hey!

- Not yet! Not yet!

No, come on!

So, a little friction, you say?

Did you hear what they

were screaming about?

Uh, I dunno. Something about a cow?

[PAPER RUSTLING]

[SCORE FADES OUT]

[ELEVATOR ARRIVING CHIME]

[SLAMS PAPER ONTO DESK]

Hey. I got your text.

I'm working tonight so

You are not gonna believe this.

It's Abigail. I might.

This is an affidavit

of posthumous variation,

which is a precursor to

post-probate allocation,

- which means

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Start at the beginning.

[DEEP SIGH]

My parents were super

involved in our parish church,

my whole life. You know this.

So they always told

us, "When we're gone,

everything's split

between you kids except for

this one piece of land.

That's for the church."

Like, to build a church, or ?

Who cares? It's a couple

acres of dirt and weeds

that I don't think Jesus could find

without the GPS coordinates.

- And yet?

- And yet,

when my mom passed it never came up.

I just assumed that it

was specified in the will

and then handed over.

- [GENTLE SCORE]

- Apparently not.

It's gone to us kids with

the rest of the estate.

So, it's ours now?

Our summer place to graze the ponies

and let the corgis run free?

Abigail says that we should

donate it to the church now.

That's what these forms are for.

See, you know,

that's what kills me about Abigail!

She doesn't have the

decency to forge my name

and do this deal quietly. No!

She has to ambush me and-and-and

knowing perfectly well

that, given enough time,

not only am I going to

say no, but hell, no.

Your relationship with your

sister is complicated.

She was always the

favorite, the-the good one.

It took a big gesture of me

becoming a priest to pull ahead.

Sort of a Hail Mary.

Do you want to keep the land?

No. I mean

What-what would we do with it?

That's not-that's not the point! The

The point is she's asking me.

Me!

To give something that

with a not-insignificant

dollar value to the church.

The same church that chose to model

the tolerant ministry of Christ

by tossing me out the narthex!

I'm not good enough, but

my inheritance is? No! No.

Okay, great, simple.

- Simple?

- Just tell Abby

what you just told me.

Yes.

No.

Hell, no.

Hell, no.

[EXCITED CHILDREN'S VOICES]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[CHILDREN SHRIEKING

EXCITEDLY AND LAUGHING]

Now that is marketing.

Oh, yeah. Kids at a grade-school rager

are known for their brand loyalty.

I'm going to mingle.

[SCORE FADES OUT]

Hey.

I'm Alvin.

I-I work for Rita Weiss.

Oh. Thoughts and prayers, Alvin.

[LAUGHS] You're with Roman, right?

- Mm-hm.

- What's that like?

It's okay. Most of the time.

I ask because I hear things.

What kind of things?

Like,

you made a pact with the devil

that so you could move people

into different houses so

that he could eat their souls.

[LAUGHING] Oh

Yeah, yeah. I can confirm that.

- Oh!

- [LAUGHS]

- You had me there.

- Did I?

- Well, I better get back.

- Gotta make sure

nobody gets in there with,

you know, sharp objects.

We'll lose the deposit. Yeah-ha. Yeah.

- [CHILDREN LAUGHING EXCITEDLY]

- Thank you for your service.

Wish you'd thought of it, right?

Yeah! The next pre-qualified

toddlers to come by are yours.

Listen, we talked to some

of the people who lived

in these houses before

the Hasans and Masseys.

[PENSIVE SCORE]

- And?

- Let's just say

there's a history of violence.

We need to close these places

before they m*rder each other.

[SIGH]

[TENSE SCORE]

[RENATA] This is a great idea.

[UNINTELLIGIBLE]

[HASAN] There you go.

[DRAMATIC BOOM, RUMBLE]

[KNIFE HITTING CUTTING BOARD LOUDLY]

[UNINTELLIGIBLE]

- Hi.

- Oh!

- Here we go!

- [PATS STOOL]

[SINISTER SCORE]

[DRAMATIC BOOM]

[THUD]

- [BLADE RINGS]

- [WOMAN EXCLAIMS]

- [RENATA] Oops.

- Oh!

- [FOOT THUDDING ON LEG]

- Oh!

[TENSE SCORE]

[GRUNTING]

- [LUKE] Tariq! Rowan!

- [YELLING]

- [LAUGHING]

- [GRUNTS]

Ah!

- [SQUELCH]

- Ahh!

- [SQUELCH]

- [GRUNT]

- [DRAMATIC SCORE]

- No.

- [DRAMATIC BOOM]

- Ahh!

- [POP]

- [AIR HISSING]

[EXCLAMATIONS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Ah, ah!

[GRUNTING, GROANING]

[THUD]

- [GRUNTS, GROANS]

- Stay!

- Hey, are you okay?

- I am.

But this is getting out of control.

Well, this is a mess.

Where's that useless assistant of mine?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[RUBBER CASTLE CRINKLING]

- [ZOOEY GASPS]

- [DRAMATIC BOOM]

Alvin bounced.

[SCORE FADES OUT]

[LOUD AMBULANCE HORN]

- [SIREN WAILS]

- [DRAMATIC SCORE]

Well, guess who's picking

up her own dry cleaning

for the rest of the week.

He got knifed, Rita

and you don't even care!

This has gone too far.

- Oh, relax.

- Nobody's pressing any charges.

A stitch here, a tetanus shot there.

No, we are gonna get

on top of this thing.

I'm gonna do a deep dive into the Hasans

and I need your go ahead to

do the same at the Masseys.

Your people in my listing?

We're never going to sell

these places until we settle this.

From a pure greed perspective,

can't see how you can refuse.

Well, when you put it that way.

[SCORE FADES OUT]

No area in the home

is particularly active?

I mean, it's mostly around that side,

closest to them.

[TENSE SCORE]

Any odd sounds at night?

No. Well, rats.

[DRAMATIC BOOM]

- Rats?

- The Masseys throw dinner scraps

into our yard almost every night.

That brought raccoons.

And then the rats came.

That's despicable.

It was his first gig as altar boy.

- [PHIL] Mm.

- And the cassock was

a little too long.

- [CHUCKLING] Oh.

- Ethan tripped.

- Mm.

- Whoow!

Body of Christ all over the place.

He was devastated.

He was so worried Jesus

would be mad at him.

I know that feeling.

Oh, he reminds me so

much of you at that age.

So innocent.

[APPROVING TONE] Mm.

Ruggedly handsome, just like his uncle.

- Yeah.

- [PHIL CHUCKLES]

- He's a good boy.

- Yeah.

Obeys his parents.

And so we segue gracefully

into the business of the day.

You knew mom wanted to give

that land to the church.

How could I not?

Every festive dinner over the

last four years of her life

included a dry run of

mother's post-mortem wish list.

And she wondered why the

desserts weren't moving.

[CHUCKLES]

But here's the thing, Abs

back then it was

it was abstract.

And back then you were a priest.

Yeah.

O-okay, sure, but

Now? Now it's real.

And now you're a g*y guy

who sells real estate.

Yeah, and I feel pretty good

about both, if it matters.

- Yeah, it matters.

- Of course it matters a lot.

But while your world has turned,

like, a thousand times, Mom's hasn't.

Dying will do that to a person.

It's a shitty two acres of nothing.

Why do you even care?

I care because you made it personal.

[TENDER SCORE]

Before it was something

that just happened, like

February, or rickets, or the playoffs

and all I could say was,

"Well, that happened."

But now you're making me sign off on it.

Endorse it. And it pisses me off!

Do you have any idea

how much you hurt her

- Oh.

- when you left the church?

Every time one of her

friends asked about

her son, the priest

she had to correct them.

- Yeah. She didn't have to.

- Yes she did. Phil

Come on! You knew mom.

She did

and her heart broke.

Yeah.

I know that feeling, too.

[SIGHS]

Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.

[CHAIR DROPS]

You know what? Let's just try it

back over by the shelves again.

You know, I find myself envying Alvin

and his reliable morphine drip.

Ooh, you're a smart one.

Yeah, I'm a genius.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You recognize the ultimate

futility of it all.

The trick is to identify

what we can change

and what we can't. We

can move a coffee table.

We can't force a lender

to prequalify a buyer

with insufficient income.

Not legally, anyway.

Okay, you're starting

to scare me a little.

That's real estate, kitten.

Oh, Renata! Hi!

Hi. Are you Alvin's replacement?

- God, I hope not.

- Uh, Zooey's, um

a special consultant here

to evaluate the property.

Yeah, I saw your R-rated lawn outside.

God, the Hasans make it so difficult.

See here!

[DISQUIETING SCORE]

Double-glazed windows.

The Hasans play their music

from midnight to six AM.

They even put subwoofers on

the ground to shake the walls.

- They're evil people.

- What kind of music?

Show tunes; '80s TV themes;

Hall. And. Oates.

Monsters.

Two o'clock in the morning

and I need to be reminded

that my kiss is on their list?

Why do we even have prisons?

- Just sign it.

- No.

Just no. Emphatically no.

This land thing was their choice,

not yours.

You can leave your property

to whoever you want!

The Humane Society,

Doctors Without Borders,

the Broadway League Foundation.

Leave Anthony out of this, please.

If they wanted it so badly,

why did they forget

to have it in the will?

This is what they wanted.

Does that mean nothing to you?

Clearly it means more to you.

Perfect Abby.

Always does what makes mommy happy.

Never rocks the boat.

[TENDER SCORE]

You broke their hearts.

You left the priesthood.

You married a

A-a wonderful guy who I personally love

and knows every lyric

Stephen Sondheim ever wrote.

And, still, you were their favorite.

Mm-hm.

You won.

My third-favorite little brother.

You went against everything

they ever taught us,

everything they ever dreamed

and, in the end, they

loved you more, anyway.

Yay for you, Philly.

You won.

[CHAIR QUIETLY SCRAPING]

You know what?

Sign the papers, or don't.

You can let me know by mail.

[FOOTSTEPS RECEDE]

You're the boss, Luke, as always.

But there is no sign of

anything psychokinetic,

only evil.

So, your instruments are telling you

My sense of common decency

tells me the Masseys

should be sealed in a

bell jar and studied!

- [EDGY SCORE]

- Hey, Zooey, what did you

Those people are animals!

So, we agree.

I don't think it's enough for the Hasans

to just be cast into the pit of hell.

The Hasans?

We should set them on fire first!

The Hasans? Innocent victims

of the Masseys' sick,

raccoon-based perversions?

No one should be told at

two o'clock in the morning

that their kiss is on

someone's list. Without consent!

You're insane.

Oh! You're bald!

You wear unnecessary metal in your nose.

- Okay.

- Okay, before we say something

- Oh, farmer boy!

- Needy girl!

Needy? You're slipping, August!

Why only use two

syllables when six will do?

You're a quitter! You've

only been a real estate agent

for a few days and already you want out!

Your father should

have taught you better.

Oh, wait, you never really had a

- [SHARP SLAP]

- Oh!

[DRAMATIC SCORE FADES OUT]

[GASPS]

- [TENDER SCORE]

- [ZOOEY GASPS]

August, I am so sorry!

Zooey

You mean the world to me

and I cannot believe

I'm so sorry!

Are you guys okay?

How long were you inside those houses?

- Less than three hours.

- Four hours.

But it isn't enough just

to be inside the house.

You need to confront someone

who was recently inside the other house.

That is when the fireworks start.

So, what? It-it'll never end?

People write songs and

sonnets about everlasting love.

But for true staying power

hate takes the taco.

[INTRIGUING SCORE]

[SWISH]

[SWISH]

- [TABLET THUDS ONTO DESK]

- [PAPERS RUSTLING]

A cow.

Damn cow.

I hope you're right.

Phil make it fast.

I'm minutes away.

[EDGY SCORE]

[WHOOSH]

[WIND WHISTLING]

[DRAMATIC SCORE]

[DRAMATIC BOOM]

[RENATA] It's on, alright.

- Bring it! Bring it on!

- [UNINTELLIGIBLE ARGUING]

[ENGINE REVVING, TIRES SQUEALING]

[ANGRY ARGUING CONTINUES]

Don't do this! Don't do this!

Ambrose! Parker!

It's not their fault! It's

a curse a blood feud.

- [ALL SCREAMING]

- [PHIL] Listen! Listen!

Back a 100 years ago,

this was all farmland.

- [WHOOSH]

- [DRAMATIC SCORE]

Property line in the exact same place.

Parker had cows.

Ambrose grew sorghum.

Everybody got along.

One day one of Parker's cows

got into Ambrose's crops.

Ambrose tied him up

intending to return him by nightfall,

but things got busy and he forgot.

Well, Parker saw that

Ambrose had one of his cows

and got mad as hell.

The two men came to blows

but the families split 'em up

and sent the sons out the

next day to build a fence.

These were hotheaded farm boys

and they started fighting.

First with words, then with knives.

Shovels. Axes.

[MUFFLED AUDIO]

It turned into a slaughter.

They say the blood

ran into the postholes.

From that day on

families on either side of that fence

hated each other.

[TENDER SCORE]

[AXE THUDDING]

[THUDDING CONTINUES]

Ready?

[GRUNTS, GROANS]

[FENCE THUDS]

[SCORE FADES OUT]

Yo. Philly.

What are you doing here?

The clock radio in my hotel room

woke me up this morning

and was playing a Judas Priest song.

And I thought of you.

You know, I'm not sure how I'm

supposed to feel about that, Abs.

[SIGHS]

I realized

how you must have felt about the church.

Whatever you decide about

the land thing, just

send me the paperwork

and I'll deal with it.

Or not.

Okay. That's it.

- Tell Ethan that

- [TENDER SCORE]

Jesus doesn't mind

when you spill his body,

but if you spill his blood,

mix three parts hydrogen peroxide

to one part dish soap. It

gets the stains right out.

Hm.

You are a good uncle.

Second favorite brother.

[SNORTS]

[ELEVATOR ARRIVING CHIME DOORS OPENING]

[LAUGHING]

[PLEASANT INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

[ENGINE TURNS OFF]

- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]

- Hey.

Luke! It's perfect.

Tarik was just saying now

that the fence is gone,

we can have full-sun hibiscus

running all the way down.

I'm so glad to talk plants

with someone. Mina's hopeless.

- [LAUGHS] So's Rowan.

- [TARIK LAUGHS]

What a tragic waste of time.

The Masseys just told me

they're no longer selling.

Yeah, the Hasans feel the same way.

Poor Alvin. He nearly

bounced into eternity and

- died in vain.

- Hm.

Just out of curiosity,

what do you think happens when we die?

I have no idea.

But it probably affects

your credit scores.

[LIGHT CONVERSATION, LAUGHTER]

No? Hell, no?

No.

Hell, yes.

I signed the damn papers over.

Our ancestral land is going

to be a vacation bible school,

or a popemobile parking lot,

or a place where they train

Jesuits to fight in the octagon.

Better get a nice fruit

basket from the Vatican.

Oh, honey.

Just wasn't worth the fight, you know?

You're a good person.

Mm. Not really.

But thank you.

Oh, any word from the adoption people?

[TENDER SCORE]

You gotta know,

as much as you want this baby

and I do, too, we both do,

don't get me wrong

please don't feel like we

need a baby to be a family.

Yeah, I know. I-it's just

Hey

You and I

we're a better family than

most people will ever find.

Come here.

We can always get a dog.

[SCORE FADES OUT]

- Good night, Zooey.

- Good night, Augie.

[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]

[ELEVATOR ARRIVING

CHIME, DOORS SLIDE OPEN]

Hey.

What August said earlier: Is it true?

Yes.

The metal in my nose is unnecessary.

- [GENTLE SCORE]

- The other thing.

About quitting?

Not being an agent?

[SIGHS] I

I hate your job.

[SCOFFS] All of it!

The arguments with stupid

people who think they're smart.

Rita Weiss being my best friend

the whole thing.

But you're good at it.

Yeah, well, I'm good at karaoke, too!

Doesn't mean I want

to do it for a living.

Look, I

I don't know what my thing is.

Maybe I'll never find my thing,

but I am absolutely sure that this thing

is not my thing.

I'm really sorry.

You haven't heard from, uh Susan?

No.

[GENTLE SIGH]

[TENDER SCORE]

[PHONE LINE TRILLING]

Hi! You've reached Susan Ireland.

I'm on a bit of a sabbatical right now,

so if you need immediate assistance,

press one. Otherwise, leave me a message

and roll the dice! Drink the wine!

Because life is a mystery

and the sun is only a morning star!

[HANG UP CLICK]

[LAPTOP CLICKS SHUT]

Damn it, Susan.

What do you want me to say?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you made it so easy

to laugh at your process, at

your color-coded paperclips.

I am sorry that you

did it so effortlessly

that I forgot how good you really are.

I'm sorry that this place

just doesn't seem to run

as good without you.

And, most of all, I am

sorry that I am saying it

to this credenza instead of your face.

[SCORE FADES OUT]