01x07 - You're k*lling Me, Ernie

[bunniefuu]

- [Nikki] Hi. Hi.

- Hi.

Hey. Hi. Hi.

[whispers] Jesus Christ.

Can I Can I get

some more blankets?

- Yeah. Are you family?

- Yes.

Um, why are her

hands bolted down?

It's so she doesn't

pull the tubes out.

We had to intubate her

after her lung collapsed.

[Nikki whispers]

Your lung collapsed?

- Oh, man! And in terms

of her Oh, my - Yeah.

What [sighs]

- What's on your hat?

- Excuse me?

Do you have Harry Potter lightning

bolts on your surgical hat?

[Molly tapping]

- Yeah. Yup. Yup. Yup.

- What

[Dr. Rupert] Are you

in distress, Ms

- Can you hold that? Hold on one second?

- Okay.

Oh, my gosh. Okay. You can

just write it on there.

- [pen scribbles]

- [Nikki whispers] Sweetie.

Oh, my God.

Okay, I got you.

"Does he have a permission slip

from his parents to be here?"

- Is Is that - [Nikki scoffs]

Oh, she's talking about me.

She's Okay.

[Dr. Rupert] A lot of

adults like Harry Potter. I

I grew up with the movies.

[sighs] I know you wanna

get that thing out,

but they said we have to

wait till tomorrow morning

to decide what to do next.

And honestly, I've always thought that

you kind of talked a little too much.

So [clicks tongue] now I

can finally get a word in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[pen scribbles]

"Don't leave"?

What?

Why would I leave?

[whispers] I have

a c*ptive audience.

Ha-ha. Okay.

Your choices for

entertainment are

the full script of A

Midsummer Night's Dream,

or everything that I can

remember from the movie Clueless,

which is a shocking amount.

"I am your spaniel.

And Demetrius,

the more you beat me,

I will fawn on you."

Oh

So, Helena is a bottom.

"My plastic surgeon says I can't do any

activities where ba*ls fly at my nose."

"Well, there goes your

social life." [chuckles]

This is my impression of the

language that they call French.

[clears throat]

[Nikki speaks incomprehensively

with a French accent]

Oh, one thumbs up.

[continues incomprehensively

with French accent]

Oh, double thumbs up.

Blink twice if you'd like

to watch me do some sports.

Sweet. Love - love.

[grunts]

[screeches]

[in French accent] Thumbs down.

Non, non, non. We hate this.

"Oh my god. I love Josh."

Fountain. Fountain. Fountain.

"I'm majorly, totally,

butt-crazy in love with Josh.

But now I don't know

how to act around him."

That's such a good part. [sighs]

The first night we hung out,

we stayed up all night

walking around. [sighs]

And you were dating my

horrible acting teacher.

Yeah. He deserves it.

And you were so quiet and pretty

that I thought you must be dumb.

Honestly, it was

a lot like this.

But then you really

just blew me away.

Molly wants the

breathing tube out.

- Are those vulvas?

- Yeah. They're vulvas wearing fancy hats.

They're going to

the royal wedding.

I was, like, trying

to make her laugh.

Can we just take that tube out?

- Nikki. Here's the thing. We

- We can take it out now, but

Great. Then let's just do that.

There's a risk that her body won't

remember how to breathe on its own.

What? What are you saying?

Sometimes the body

just doesn't remember.

And Molly has a Do Not

Resuscitate order in place,

so if she stops breathing

or her heart stops,

then we would not perform CPR.

And as her health proxy,

you would need to okay that.

[Nikki inhales sharply]

I've been awake for 30 hours. I'm

wearing toilet paper as underwear.

Are you asking me if I can let

Molly stop breathing in front of me?

Yes.

[monitor beeps steadily]

You're going to

remember how to breathe.

Okay, Molly. We're gonna

do this together, okay?

We're gonna remove the tube, and

it's gonna feel a little weird.

But once it's out, I need you

to take a deep breath, okay?

[Dr. Rupert] Hand me a 10cc

tube. Ready the oxygen.

[Molly gags]

[Molly wheezes, coughs]

[gasps, chokes, coughs]

[Nikki] Yes!

Okay, great.

- Yes! Yes!

- Yes. Slow deep breaths. Deep breath.

- Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

- Yes!

Mwah!

Yes!

Was that your first kiss?

[Nikki chuckles]

[laughs]

I've been kissed before. I

- We know that, right? [chuckles] -

[Sonya] Yeah. Of course. Yeah, sure.

[Nikki sighs]

Your neighbor brought you here.

I told him I loved

him. [breathes heavily]

- You did?

- Yeah. I know.

Okay. So, now that your

breathing has stabilized,

I'm concerned about this

numbness you're feeling.

- We'll do a lumbar puncture

- Hi, Jerry.

Hi, Molly.

May I sit down?

Please.

[sighs]

Tomorrow morning,

we would like to do a spinal tap

to see if the cancer has spread

to the lining of

your spinal cord.

Now, do you have any questions?

Yes. [sighs]

What will happen if

you find cancer there?

Then we will have a conversation

about whether you wanna

continue with treatment.

[Nikki sighs]

Okay.

Thank you.

Yes. Let's do that.

Okay, good. All right.

I'll schedule it

for, uh, tomorrow.

But you know, you you're gonna need some

time after the procedure to recover.

And I just I I know that you have

certain, um, goals, physically.

And I just wanna make sure that

you're able to achieve them safely.

Whoa! I'm just That's really

Dr. P, are you saying that you want

me to be able to keep having sex?

I'm not made of stone.

[Nikki] Mm-hmm.

I don't know.

- Oh. What? Hell yes.

- Uh, I've never seen anything like that.

Does Jerry have game?

I'm gonna go give him a hug.

I'm wet from that.

Like, is Jerry hot?

- Oh, my God. Nikki.

- Yes!

I wanna see him. I

wanna see him again.

I wanna see him,

like, right now.

Not Jerry, but your

neighbor? [chuckles]

Are you, like, into

Jerry now? [chuckles]

- No, you're not, right?

- Will you help me?

I wanna touch his mustache.

Oh, my God, yes! Of course!

Of course. Of course.

Um, I'll go home and get him.

I'm gonna get your vibrators,

I'll get your lube.

I got it. I got it.

Oh, my God! "Come night.

Come Romeo!" [squeals]

"Come thou day in night." I'm

just, like I'm doing Shakespeare!

- No, I know.

- I love Shakespeare.

- I know.

- I go. I go. Look how I go!

Don't die.

- I won't.

- [door closes]

What?

So there's a nice nurse

and an evil nurse?

Yeah, we need to get there

before the shift change.

Did you put the bag with

the lubes in the car?

- Yeah.

- And the bag with the vibrators?

- Oh, my God! Where's my phone?

- Yeah.

[stammers] Why would I

know where your phone is?

And why does she need all that stuff?

How long is she gonna be in there?

I don't know. I never know.

So she could be in there

a few days or forever?

And we're just supposed

to live in both realities?

- That's really f*cked.

- Yeah.

[sighs] Well, it feels

different this time.

Well, I think you're amazing. I mean,

I watch you, and you do everything.

Well, not everything.

But, you know, if I could have

sex with her, I would. [chuckles]

Yeah. I bet. I mean,

it's really cool

[stammers]

to have sex with

her. I love it.

This is weird.

- This? It's just human sexuality.

- [phone rings]

Ooh! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Yes!

Whoo! [screams, groans] Oh, yes!

[Noah] Nikki?

Oh, sh*t! Did I pick this up?

Uh, yeah. You did. Hi.

[Nikki] Uh

Hi, Noah.

- Um - Uh.

I'm calling 'cause I got

a medical bill for Molly,

and I wanted to let you know.

It's so nice to hear from you.

It's so good to hear from you.

It's just, um Molly's

in the hospital.

I had them take her off the

ventilator, but she's okay.

I'm My God! Oh, my God!

No! [Nikki screams]

- sh*t!

- No, man!

No, no, no, no. You

cannot. Oh, Jesus.

- We need everything in there.

- What you doing, man?

- No! No, no, no, no!

- We're going to the hospital.

Get off the f*cking car!

Do something! Don't

you work for 311?

Yeah, but that's not

related to parking!

- Yeah. I'm 311. So you can't do this

- Get the f*ck off the car!

- He's 311. No, no, no, no.

- Jesus!

- Oh, my God!

- I'm gonna f*ck you up with forms!

[Nikki] No!

[Noah] Nikki, what

what what's happening?

- [Neighbor Guy groans] - Noah,

why are you still on the phone?

You haven't hung up yet.

- No! They're towing my car.

- Oh, f*ck!

My car. My car.

My suitcase and my tote and all

of Molly's stuff is in the car.

- My car.

- Come here.

Don't No. Please don't

hug me. We're not friends.

I mean, we're not strangers.

- [Noah] Who's hugging you?

- Get on the subway.

Okay.

[Noah] Nikki, what can I

do? Let me do something.

Okay. I need help.

I need help.

[Sonya] What is lost is found.

[Molly] What man could resist

me in these beefy unders?

[laughs] Come on. Do you want to

know where I got this deodorant?

- [sighs] Oh, no. No.

- That's what I thought.

Are there any, like, sluttier

hospital gowns lying around?

Just turn it around backwards.

You know, easy access.

Yeah, but what else do you need?

What else was in Nikki's car?

- We got

- Everything. Like, literally everything.

Okay.

Is it strange how calm I feel?

I don't know what's going on

with me. I just feel so clear.

Like my mind feels clear.

I'm really proud of you.

What? I am. I am. I just

Hey, I need to warn you about

Ernie, the night nurse

[Ernie] You can warn

her all you want.

- I'm putting a stop to this.

- That's Ernie.

There will be no male visitors

tonight. Not on my watch.

This is a hospital,

not a bordello.

Ernie!

What kinda man takes advantage

of a sick woman like this?

Oh, no one's taking

advantage of me, Ernie.

Haven't you ever been in love?

That's none of your business.

[Sonya whispers] That's a yes.

Hi.

Welcome. [sighs]

- Would you like to use my bedside commode?

- Um

Not yet.

I have a tube in my

It's f*cking hot.

You're so beautiful.

You're so beautiful.

I got you a gift.

It's really expensive, and I had

to hunt high and low for them.

Taco socks.

I just You know, I know

your feet get cold.

And who doesn't love tacos?

I hate these taco socks.

They make me sick.

Look at their little taco faces.

Why is only one of them

wearing sunglasses?

Is the lettuce supposed

to be the taco's hair?

I didn't think I could

hate shredded lettuce

any more than I already do,

but looking at it on these

taco socks fills me with rage.

If they say, "Let's taco

about it," I'm gonna scream.

Well, don't look

at the heel then.

Take off your clothes.

Come here.

Get on the bed.

Oh, my God! [chuckling]

You're so tall. [chuckles]

[sighs, panting] Hey. What's

happening? What's happening?

- It's okay. He's here.

- He's here.

- He is - He's

here? He's here.

- Oh, God.

- [Neighbor Guy yelps]

- [Molly laughs] Don't come in!

- [Neighbor Guy] She's okay. I'm also fine.

I have a b*ner.

Turn and face the

wall, you little perv!

How about he stays that

way till the morning?

Actually, my friend might be coming

soon with a bag of vibrators.

Those are for me.

I'll get right on that.

Excuse me.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Uh, I tried to get the stuff,

but, um, you didn't tell me what

kind of vibrator Molly likes.

Yes, I did. Clitoral stimulation,

no dildos. I did tell you that.

Yeah, but what kind of

clitoral stimulation?

[Nikki] Oh, my God! I thought

you hadn't bought anything.

- Of course I did.

- Thank you.

I-I couldn't answer the

questions they were asking.

Does she like direct,

rhythmic stimulation?

'Cause that one's good for that.

- This one is good for orbiting.

- Orbiting?

Yeah, orbiting. It's like when you make

small, gentle circles around the clitoris.

Cool.

Some women don't want you to,

like, touch their clitoris at all.

They just want you to, like

- I'm saying clitoris a lot.

- It's cool.

They just want you to, like, lightly

touch all the skin around it.

And then this one is shaped like

a rose. It's called the "Marilyn."

Not to sound ungrateful,

but I think this is a

I think this is a butthole.

Oh, I thought it was a rose.

Okay. Um, thank you.

Sure.

Well, um, I will deliver these

because it was a vibrator emergency.

I'm just gonna hang out and

wait till the rain lets up.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, I forgot. I got you soup. It's,

uh, the mushroom kind that you like.

f*ck!

I appreciate that.

That's really nice.

I'll come back to make some

circles around that soup.

I hate myself.

We've never kissed before.

I'd like to kiss you.

Is it okay to take that off?

It's just oxygen.

[Neighbor Guy moans]

My lips are so dry.

[Molly breathing heavily]

What if all I can do is

just lie here with you?

I don't know what you

thought this was going to be.

Because there's been so much build up

and there are just so many vibrators.

We don't have to do anything.

And you're right.

What's with all these vibrators?

Get outta here. Freaking us out.

- [laughs]

- Holy sh*t!

- Did you see that?

- What?

[chuckling]

I think what I'm gonna

do is just smell you.

Okay.

Yeah. 'Cause we don't

have to do anything.

[sighs] Yeah. There's

too many goals.

We live in a society that

just Everybody's goals.

I, um [chuckles]

Christ, I'm distracted.

I was saying

something about goals.

Goals are dumb,

you know? We don't

Who needs 'em?

- I f*cking -

[breathing heavily]

And then when you achieve one,

then what are you gonna do?

Another goal? f*ck!

Oh, God! Hey, listen, um

I think I think, um

I think what we do need to do

We both need to agree that

it is not medically safe

for you to have any sexual

satisfaction tonight.

I mean, you absolutely

cannot come.

Oh, I agree.

- No, I'm much too weak and too sick.

- Yeah.

But then I don't think I

can let you come either.

- Oh, no. Certainly not.

- No.

Then why are you

so hard right now?

I'm not It's the railing.

[Neighbor Guy breathing heavily]

There's a railing in

the middle of the bed?

f*ck!

[Nikki slurping]

Do you think you could

eat that a little faster?

[Nikki chuckles]

Don't look over here.

[chuckling] I won't.

Are you engaged?

What?

[chuckles] You

heard what I said.

Are you engaged? To be married?

- No.

- Okay.

Okay.

I saw something on Instagram,

and you were wearing a ring.

I got really into rings

for a little while.

[laughing]

[chucking] I'm not kidding.

You and I had just

ended it, and I was like

I was kinda heartbroken and, um

I bought, like, 20 rings

in two months. [chuckles]

- Sweet, man. [laughs] Was it just rings?

- [laughs] Yeah.

I had one really bad night.

I bought a few bracelets

and a toe ring.

And I just wore it around the

apartment for, like, a week.

[laughs]

Nikki.

Yeah.

[sighs]

I'm with someone.

And it's nice.

It's easy.

Thank you for the soup.

[thunder rumbles]

[breathing heavily, moaning]

Okay. Okay. No.

I I have to stop.

I have to stop because

you are making noises

that make me think that you're starting

to get physically aroused and

What makes you think

I'm physically aroused?

I mean, your pupils are like

saucers and you're grunting.

Oh, no. That's just what

I do when I'm bored.

[chuckles]

I see.

I mean, you could

try touching me.

I don't think I

can feel anything.

[Molly breathing heavily]

Uh, no.

I don't feel anything.

No. I don't feel anything.

No, still nothing.

- Really?

- [pants] No.

Are you even touching

me right now?

I am touching you right now.

[Molly breathing heavily]

Gentle.

Yeah. Up and down.

[breathing heavily continues]

- [moans]

- [sighs]

I'm here.

I'm here.

[Neighbor guy moans]

[Molly sighs]

Molly. f*ck!

I forgot to play Wordle today.

I'm so sorry.

I always start with "gnome."

I always start with "f*ck you."

Obviously, you're the most

beautiful thing that ever happened,

but I've never liked that your

hair isn't filled with lube.

Oh, yeah.

I was right.

- This is my masterpiece.

- [chuckles]

[chuckles]

Okay. Now I can f*ck the top of your

head like I've always wanted to.

Hey, do you wanna see my boobs?

Yeah!

They're so cool.

Thanks.

They're pretty cool.

I don't have much

feeling in them anymore.

I can feel that. [moans]

- What about here?

- No. No, not so much.

- Okay. I'm gonna be very thorough.

- Yeah, no.

That's not really working

for me. I just [sighs]

Can you use your tongue?

I mean, if I have to.

Touch it. Touch

it. Use your mouth.

[moans]

[Molly gasps]

Here's your vitamin E, Molly.

Finger.

Bracelet.

Your blood pressure is elevated.

And your leg looks f*cked up.

You're k*lling me, Ernie.

Uh-huh.

- [Neighbor Guy] Do you think he noticed?

- [panting]

Wait. For real, why

why are you stopping?

It's It's the

responsible thing to do.

I hate you.

I hate you so much.

[moans, sighs]

[trembling] I need you.

[breathing heavily]

- Hey, you want it?

- Yes.

[gasps]

[sighs]

They're gonna come tap

my spine in an hour.

I'll stay.

No.

Okay. I'll come back tonight.

No.

I don't wanna die with you.

I wanna get a dog with you.

So, you just used me to get off,

and now you're done with me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is going to

be a blip for you.

[whispers] No.

No.

Will you stay till

after I fall asleep?

[whispers] Okay.

- Hi.

- Hi.

He left.

"Oh, my God.

I love Josh. I love Josh."

Fountain. Fountain.

Oh, my God! It happened? Oh, my God.

I'm so happy, I'm gonna come, I swear.

[chuckling]

I'm gonna cry. You should've

called me right when it happened.

Hi.

Ready?