01x03 - Feelings Can Become Amplified

[bunniefuu]

[social worker] We have a

new member of the group.

She was diagnosed as

stage four a month ago.

This is Molly, and I warned her

that the stage four group

is kind of a wild bunch.

Is there anything you wanted

to discuss with the group?

So, I actually was wondering

if anyone had any tips

for how to keep

dating and having sex?

I left my husband when I

found out I was stage four,

and I've been having sex.

And I actually thought

the sex would be better,

but I'm starting to worry

it might just be me.

I guess I was wondering

if anyone knows

how to tell a stranger you just met

on the internet how to make you come?

Um

Maybe you're with the wrong man.

Come here. You look beautiful.

[Molly] Who's this group?

Do they have fun cancer?

Early stagers. Stage

one, two and three.

They don't wanna see us.

We're scary, like ghosts.

Ooh.

[group leader] Cookies are

reserved for amazing women only.

So everyone.

[Molly] They look so happy.

Oh, she's getting laid.

f*ck it.

[patient 1] Boom.

Instant serotonin.

[group cheering, clapping]

- Hey.

- [group leader] Yes!

That mind-body

connection is real.

That stress and pain that we

carry around from our childhood,

that's what cancer feeds off of.

A positive attitude

can help fight cancer.

[patient 2] Yes!

[Molly] Yes. I need to be

happier, more positive.

That's how I'm gonna start

having really good sex.

I need to be one of those fully realized

women who has sex while wearing jewelry.

Long, dangly earrings.

I wanna be so emotionally

stable that I make eye contact

every moment a man is inside me.

Like, even during doggy style.

I feel like I'm just

gonna surround myself

- with light and joy and positivity.

- Mmm. Yes.

- Like, I feel good.

- Mm-hmm.

But you lied to a

cancer support group.

- No.

- Yes.

I just didn't tell

them everything.

[phone vibrates]

It's been a good first month. I

feel healthy, and I'm having sex,

- which is what I wanted.

- Yeah. Yes. But you're not having orgasms.

Oh, no, I am. I just do, like, a

little buzz buzz after they leave.

- Uh-huh.

- I take my orgasm to go.

Like a come doggie

bag. Using a vibrator.

[singsongy] Yes.

But seriously, you never had an

orgasm with Steve? For ten years?

- No. No, like, I would get close.

- Mm-hmm.

Like, you know when it

feels like a little sneeze?

Like [imitates sneeze]

- I don't I'm not sure

- [imitates sneeze]

- No?

- No, I haven't felt that.

[chitters]

- I'd like to try that. Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah.

- No.

- Oh, my God. I can't with you.

You can just, like,

always come from sex.

I like a good old-fashioned

d*ck in vag*na.

- I'm a real Penetration Patty.

- [sighs]

[sighs] I just can't. Like,

every time I get close,

it's like somebody throws a blanket

on my brain and the light goes out.

And then I'm just,

like, not there.

[footsteps approaching]

- Okay, Molly.

- Here we go.

[Nikki] Are you walking weird?

No. Stop watching me walk.

I know how you walk, and

that is not how you walk.

Now I am walking weird

because you're watching me.

No, I'm not. I don't care how you

walk. Oh, my God. Get over yourself.

- Okay, so

- She's walking weird.

- [Nikki] Hi.

- What? No, I'm I'm doing great.

Okay. I-I don't know what

"walking weird" means.

It means I've seen her walk before,

and now she's walking different.

Well, any other symptoms

that have come up?

Um, yes. Insomnia, hot flashes

and vaginal dryness

during intercourse.

[Molly] I am, yes.

[in Scottish accent] A

wee bit dry. [chuckles]

A wee bit dry in my vag*na.

Oh, my God. Did I just pretend

my vag*na has a Scottish accent?

Okay, Sonya, you

wanna take this?

- It's a mental health issue.

- Yeah.

How is having a dry vag*na

a mental health issue?

Well, it's be You

know, women, you know

Emotional feelings.

It's so common. I have some really

fun lube options that I can offer you.

Would you like some?

Slick, slick, slick.

Yes, yes, yes.

[Dr. Pankowitz chuckles]

Check, please. Waiter,

get me out of here.

Moving on.

Okay, so we're going

into full attack mode.

Your numbers are holding on

leuprolide and letrozole,

so I'm gonna add Ribociclib.

And I am supposed to have a licensed

clinical social worker check in

to see if you are mentally fit,

because palliative care is just such

an important part of our team. Huh?

And I I believe that.

Okay, but just so that you

have all the information,

this combination of medicine can

really cause your mood to change.

Feelings can become amplified.

[Molly] This is it. It's

gonna happen tonight.

You know, I almost never take elevators

'cause I'm trying to bulk up my calves.

[groans] This f*cking guy.

[elevator dings, doors open]

Stay positive.

Focus on your date.

He's 25, he smells

like bar soap.

You're both wearing

cool jackets.

What is that taco? Why

does it smell so bad?

Hi, I'm Molly. I moved in

across from you last month.

I wrote you a note about eating food

in the elevator. Did you get it?

I did.

'Cause I would just really love

to keep our shared spaces clean.

It just really helps

me to Mentally.

Joy and light. Joy and light.

f*cking joy and f*cking

[console chimes]

[loud TV sounds]

I'm sorry. My neighbor

plays video games.

It's cool. It's like we're

making out in a b*ttlefield.

Uh, sort of.

I like to keep my bra on.

You're amazing.

I am amazing and you're amazing,

and I'm a fully-realized,

emotionally-stable woman.

And you don't have any hair

on your ba*ls, and let's f*ck.

Can I touch you?

Okay, it doesn't have to

be weird. Make it sexy.

Is that hand sanitizer?

Oh, no, it's lube. Okay. It's

a lot. Do we need all that?

- Yes.

- Okay.

Talk to me. Tell me what you

like. Tell me what you want.

Stay connected. Eye

contact. Like a normal

[high-pitched ringing]

[ringing fades]

I don't know. What

do What do you like?

Um, clasp my ba*ls?

I can clasp your ba*ls.

Uh, um, clasp.

Am I tugging down, or, like, a

loose handshake with your ba*ls?

Clasp.

- Clasp.

- No.

- Clasp?

- Clasp?

[shower running]

[running stops]

[gasps] Oh.

I'm sorry, I know you,

right? I know you, right?

Yeah. You live

here? I shower here.

- I knew you from the shower.

- That's right. That's how we met.

I'm sorry we haven't

been having a lot of sex.

I just I feel like I always

smell like the hospital.

I'm just worried about you.

That's all. Like,

are you really okay?

I can't actually talk about

it. Let's just have sex.

- Oh. Oh. Oh, wow. Oh, gosh.

- I know, babe.

[Nikki] You're just

- You're dressed so slutty. Sorry.

- Okay, I'm

- Hold on. I actually wanna talk about it.

- No.

- Like, we don't have to have sex.

- Yes. Mm-hmm. Yes, we do.

- Okay. Okay.

- Yes, we do.

Hello. This is Patricia.

Thank you for holding.

Please provide your case number.

- What the f*ck?

- I'm

I'm on hold with Molly's

insurance company.

- Hello? Can I help you?

- This whole time?

It usually takes 45

minutes. Wait. Hold on.

- Is someone there?

- I'm here, ma'am.

Can you just rub your d*ck until I'm done?

It won't take that long. Or I can rub it.

I can rub it while I do this.

Excuse me? Is this a prank

call? Are you a prankster?

I'm not a prankster, okay? I'm

talking to my boyfriend. Just grow up.

Ma'am.

- I'll finish in the bathroom. It's okay.

- Please don't

I love you. Okay. Bye.

- Hello. Case number "J8329390YM."

- Hello.

- Do you mind clasping - f*ck.

No, that's the taint. Come

on, get your sh*t together.

Uh, clasp.

- No. Clasp.

- Do you mean cup?

No, clasp.

What if I push them inside you

and move you around like a puppet?

Why don't we get the vacuum cleaner

and suck your ba*ls up into it?

Why don't I sit on

them or kick them?

That's hot. I'd kick you

in the f*cking ba*ls.

- Clasp.

- My shoulder hurts.

- Can you stop saying "clasp"?

- Well

you're not saying anything.

Tell me what you want.

Tell me what feels good.

I told you, I don't know.

How do you not know

what feels good?

I'm sorry. It's just, the

people I have sex with,

they tell me what they

like and what feels good.

Especially older women, and

that's one of the reasons why I

Leave.

[sighs] I'm sorry. I

just wanted you to cla

[vibrator vibrating]

[panting, grunting]

[neighbor moaning]

[moaning continues]

[vibrator stops]

What's happening? He's jerking

off 'cause I'm jerking off?

That's basically a crime.

[neighbor, moaning continues]

[vibrator starts]

Oh, no.

He hates me. He hates himself.

And he's probably got

guacamole on his hands.

[Molly, moaning intensifies]

[console chimes]

[videogame sounds]

[vibrator stops]

It was a mistake.

A mistake orgasm?

What is a mistake orgasm?

He's disgusting. He wanted

me to hear him jerking off.

Totally. And you were

also jerking off.

I came so hard I think I

pulled a stomach muscle.

That's That's beside the point.

How did it make you feel afterwards?

That's the main question.

Did you feel good?

It was like a full

marching band in my pants.

It was a mistake.

Okay, I'm ready.

Let's take intense mood-altering drugs

that may or may not turn my poop black.

Let's enjoy it.

Yeah.

Find your joy!

Yeah!

f*ck, yeah!

We're literally not

even on step one.

[crying] I hate it.

It's not even a coffee table.

It doesn't bring

the space together.

Course you're awake

too, you sad f*ck.

What are you wearing? Your

little basketball shorts.

I can see the hair poking out

from the hole in your T-shirt.

Bet you shed like a dog. I

hate everything about you.

There's trash on the floor.

Look!

You think you can just make a mess and

expect that other people will clean it up?

Yeah.

Pick it up.

Oh, my God. You're

doing what I say.

Now say, "I'm disgusting."

I'm disgusting.

Say it again.

I'm disgusting.

[door opens]

[door closes]

- [neighbor moaning]

- [vibrator starts]

- Oh, stop it!

- [vibrator stops]

[moaning stops]

Stop it.

[neighbor] Please.

Please can I come?

No!

You were strong.

I know. I know, I know. Listen, my friend

has cancer and I'm taking care of her.

I swear, like, when I

don't have anywhere to be,

the appointment

does start on time,

and when I do have somewhere

to be, it takes hours.

And I can't complain to her

because she is terminally ill,

which is worse than being late

for rehearsal, I feel like. Right?

Your performance today is

Is that Would that

be a dead bird?

Yeah. I get it.

Please don't fire me.

[chuckles]

Oh, I'm feeling these drugs.

I don't think anyone can

tell. I think I look normal.

I thought we could all talk a

little about our cancer journeys.

- When I started my cancer

journey - [Molly chuckling]

Sorry.

I just

When you say "cancer

journey" it just I'm sorry.

It just makes it sound like

it's a really fun trip.

No.

Why don't you speak

to your journey?

I got cancer, and then it

was gone for two years.

And then it came

back as stage four.

sh*t.

Sorry. I didn't tell

you guys I'm stage four

'cause I wanted to

be in this group.

Anyway, the whole time that I thought

that I was healthy, my body was just like

like, waiting to give me

more cancer. [chuckles]

Uh, that's my cancer journey.

Molly, I'm so sorry. I'm gonna

have to ask you to leave the group.

- What?

- What's happening to you

is their worst fear.

Mine too.

What if we've gone through all

this, and the cancer comes back?

Hey.

Joy and light. f*cking

joy and f*cking light.

[Molly groans]

Pick up your f*cking trash!

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

Are you gonna go back

inside and jerk off to this?

Yeah.

Let me watch.

- [door closes]

- Take off your clothes.

- Why do you have this?

- I work in city government for 311.

Touch your d*ck.

- Can I get some lotion?

- You do what I say.

Okay.

Yeah, you should

get some lotion.

What else should I do?

You like this?

- Yeah. I like it.

- Did I say you can f*cking talk?

Is this your dad?

How did such an attractive man

produce such a sack of sh*t like you?

That's not my dad.

That's Bill de Blasio.

Is his d*ck as boring as yours?

More.

You like it when I talk about

your little medium-sized d*ck?

Look at the way you're jerking

off. Your pinky is out.

You think your d*ck

is fancy? That sucks.

I hate that. I want to hit you and

kick you in the d*ck and destroy you.

Do it. Do it. Kick me.

Do it. Kick me in the d*ck.

Please.

[screams] sh*t!

[neighbor] Oh, God. [groans]

[Molly groans]

What Are you okay?

Is that part of this?

[Molly screams]

treatment with

leuprolide, letrozole,

- and she just started Ribociclib

- We gave her morphine.

It's not f*cking working!

- I don't think it's working.

- The hormones she's on

- can amplify what she's already feeling.

- Really? That's so interesting!

f*cking b*stard! Get

me a f*cking doctor!

- I am a doctor.

- Then why are you so young?

I don't want this virgin

on my cancer journey!

- She doesn't mean that.

- I do! I really do!

- She does mean that.

- I'm gonna page palliative care.

Excuse I'm

I don't know what to do right

now. I don't know how to help you.

- Help me!

- Okay.

Can I get another doctor?

Do you Who else do you have?

Like, I need, like, a doctor,

like an older doctor-doctor.

- You can't choose your own doctor.

- [groans] Yeah. I can.

- You can't choose your own f*cking doctor.

- What are you doing?

- Hey. Can you see my friend?

- Of course.

Oh, thank you so much. Why don't

you take some f*cking notes?

Here.

Hi, is there anything I can

do to make your day better?

Please, please help me.

Okay.

- Are you a clown?

- Oh, my God. You're the hospital clown.

- Yeah. It's on my jacket.

- Get out. Get out.

Why does it hurt this much?

Did I kick his d*ck off?

Hey, hey. Look at

me. Take a breath.

The best thing you can do for

Molly is to breathe. Yeah.

I'm fine. This is not about me.

I just I got I f*cked it up.

I f*cked up and I got

the f*cking clown doctor.

Have you been drinking?

I got fired from my job, and I

went and I drank a whole lot,

but don't worry about me.

Can you just please help her?

- Please, please, please, please.

- Okay. Drink that.

Molly?

I told them that she was in pain, and

it was like they did not even hear me.

And you're white.

Black women say they're in pain

and they give them some red Jell-O.

That's why I do this.

Pain is political.

Pleasure is political.

You know, don't get me started.

[Nikki] I want to get you started,

and I want you to never stop.

[Sonya chuckles]

Hi.

Are you in any pain?

No.

Okay, the doctor came in

while you were sleeping.

And you have a

fracture in your femur,

and they think that it's probably

because the cancer in your hip

has spread a little bit.

You said I was walking weird.

Yeah, I know how baby walks.

I also want you to know that they

are gonna put a rod in your leg

to prophylactically

stabilize the femur bone.

They're gonna come in and go

over all of this with you.

They're going to

put a rod in my leg?

Yeah, I know. I know.

Oh, Molly.

It's my fault.

You know, I tried so

hard to be positive

but I'm just like a naturally f*cked-up,

negative person, and it's my fault.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No.

Cancer doesn't care if

you're a positive person.

Positive, wonderful, beautiful

people die all the time.

It's my stupid, f*cked-up,

broken body. I hate it.

I got cancer twice.

I can't even have normal

orgasms from normal sex.

Normal sex? Who decides

what that means?

Just tell them.

I made my neighbor

jerk off in front of me

while I said truly horrible

things about his p*nis

and then I kicked

him in the d*ck.

And I loved it.

Yes. Amazing. Yes! Yes. Yes.

Why is that amazing?

Because you figured out

something that you want.

No. I don't want to have to

hurt people to have orgasms.

I

What is wrong with me?

Nothing.

Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

Nothing the f*ck

is wrong with you.

You early millennials

are so tragic.

You know, you think sex is just

penetration and orgasms. Why?

Because that's

what Samantha said.

Sex

Sex is a wave.

You know, sex Sex is a mindset.

Sex is the nonlinear

emergent phenomenon

that arises when

two or more beings

they touch energy fields.

Here's the thing

about your body:

you have to listen to it.

Yes, maybe it's saying

something that you don't want

and you don't understand,

but give it a chance and

listen to it. Both of you.

Here. Here's my card.

I want you to call me whenever.

Thanks.

Sleep well.

You kicked him in the d*ck?

[The Earth Won't

Hold Me plays]

I get so tall on being me ♪

Oh, I am joy, I am a song There

is no place I don't belong ♪

And now the earth can't hold

me The earth will never hold me ♪

I know the earth won't hold

me While I want to live ♪

I follow walls

that lead to space ♪

I tumble into what I say I

track the dark and find the day ♪

And now the earth can't hold

me The earth will never hold me ♪

I leap into the moving sun ♪