01x05 - Merendola

[bunniefuu]

Come on!

You always were a tough nut to crack

Tough to crack

I'm always at home

Crazy for love, crazy for love

You always were

to crack

Now time has changed me

hair down and put on

I lose myself in the night

I get sunburned on the beach

And I let my hair down and put on makeup

I lose myself in the night

I get sunburned on the beach

And I let my hair down

Everybody!

put on

I lose myself in the night

I get sunburned on the beach

One more time!

And I let my hair down and put on makeup

I lose myself in the night

I get sunburned on the beach

What a song!

What? We have to celebrate

the fact that I'm single and free.

Time to get crazy!

Come on, another round of sangria.

Honey, you know I can't.

It's non-alcoholic.

That's your idea of getting crazy?

We all know your idea of crazy

is chowing down on dead humans.

Right. Next up, David Civera.

But it's only ten o'clock.

I know, but Trini has to rest

and all that stuff. Right, honey?

Yes, of course.

Well, you know

We're so happy for you, it's just

It's like when you wanted

to go out on a Saturday night

-but we'd already gone out that Friday.

-Right.

You know what I mean?

We're all hungover except you, Julia.

It's true, you're right. Well then.

-Okay.

-Get home safe.

-Sure.

-Will do, honey.

-Goodbye.

-Bye.

-And thanks for coming.

-Of course.

-Bye.

-Bye.

How was it?

Good. Great.

Are you heading out?

Yeah, we're meeting up

at Carol's for a drink, it'll be chill.

All right. Be careful.

Have a good time.

Want to come?

Where?

To Carol's. We'll chill.

No, no. What would I be doing there?

We can celebrate.

You being single.

What? No, no way. How can it be over?

There's so much I need to do.

I literally haven't done anything.

What? No, no way

I'm almost at 10,000 followers.

And I've got plane tickets to Bali!

Launching missiles at the planet

just seems so wrong to me. So much hate.

So much hate

What? No, no way

In honor of the red planet,

today we have meatballs in tomato sauce.

My life has only just begun!

-Is the planet a "he" or a "she"?

-So much hate.

So much hate

Nobody asked it. I always use "they."

I've never even tried Vietnamese food.

Is the planet a "he" or a "she"?

"They."

What? No, no way

I'm practically a virgin, guys.

It's "planetophobia."

And it's a totally patriarchal move

to launch phallic-shaped missiles.

So much hate.

So much hate

So when's this planet thing?

Is the planet a "he" or a "she"?

"They."

This year? No way, dude.

Unbelievable, right? What the f*ck?

So much hate.

So much hate

What? No, no way

I'm practically a virgin, guys.

By the way, use the code Katamata22

to get 30% off

on all products in my store.

ANYWAY

What's up, b*tch?

Sorry, I didn't know that

No problem.

You mind if she comes

No, not at all. Come in.

Noa's here. She's brought her mom.

We'll be outside.

Good evening.

No sh*t, bro.

-That thing the other day

-No, no, no.

I swear, sometimes using your brain works.

Sure, especially when you're like that.

I know it's crazy,

but I totally miss those times, dude.

The only thing I miss is desperate

MILFs hungry for this d*ck right here.

They're the dirtiest b*tches of all.

I swear. They're the worst.

Look who's here.

You two can sit over there.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Mrs. Noa's Mom.

Julia.

-I hope you don't mind

-We don't mind. What do you want to drink?

What is there?

Actually, there's only one option,

but this sh*t's the b*mb.

Berta makes it in her bathtub.

Her secret hooch.

And what's the secret

in this "secret hooch"?

Is it strong? Is it drinkable?

-I mean, if you make it in the bathtub

-Mom.

Sorry, sweetheart.

Sure, why not.

But just one shot, okay?

Okay.

A little bit.

No, that's too much.

I can't drink all of it.

Fine, okay, the secret hooch is good.

But you shouldn't drink too much, okay?

Got it, Noa?

Alcohol can k*ll your neurons. It's true.

-Give me another shot, bro.

-Hey, that's fast!

Yeah!

So, why do they And not you

Why do they call you Ángel

and they call you Chino?

Mom!

-Mom, that's super r*cist.

-Really? Sorry.

-No, really. I didn't mean to

-It bothers them more than it does me.

Come on, your turn. So what's your answer?

It's just so gross. I don't know

The least shitty option.

One last reminder, okay?

Would you rather eat moldy bread

for one year, or

-suck the d*ck of Brad Pitt's corpse?

-My God.

-It's just so gross!

-You don't have to answer.

No, wait. Let's see

How long has Brad Pitt been dead?

I don't know, let's say one week.

Well then, I'd suck Brad Pitt's d*ck.

Seriously?

You'd suck some dead guy's d*ck?

No, not just any dead guy's d*ck.

Dead Brad Pitt's d*ck.

True that. Me too.

That dude's hotter dead

than all of us alive.

-That's true.

-I've eaten worse things that that.

Your mom's pretty cool, isn't she?

Yeah, right, cool.

We'll drink it tonight. What do you say?

We can do it.

-Yeah, because you're more Chinese.

-Yes.

YOU HAVE 32 NEW NOTIFICATIONS!

ZOE00 HAS LIKED YOUR PHOTO

ZOE00

Noa, are you in there?

No!

Zoe00: Hi!

b*tch, I'm pissing myself out here.

Noa: Hi, have we met?

Zoe00: Now we have. How's it going?

Noa: I'm bored.

That's it, I've pissed myself.

Congratulations.

Zoe00: Too bad. But not anymore.

It's only an idea, right?

It's like We have to find

Are we leaving or what?

We were just talking about that.

Where are we going now?

-Home?

-I already told your mom we're screwed.

-What?

-Everything's dead, bro.

There's that bar down by the port.

They only serve

saline solution with cologne.

Are you kidding me?

Honey, I want to celebrate

that I'm single.

Are you sure?

I'm drunk.

Well, unless

you're embarrassed

to go out partying with your mom.

Do I smell tobacco?

-Noa, you said you were going to quit.

-Fine, where do you want to go?

The Crazy Cruiser.

Yes! The Crazy Cruiser!

What's the Crazy Cruiser?

Nobody knows what really happened.

Whether they didn't let them get off

or they got stranded there without fuel.

But a cruise ship full of foreigners

has been anchored off the coast

for months.

They say people there don't eat or sleep.

They only drink and dance.

One big party that never ends.

It's f*cking crazy.

Do you know anybody who's been there?

Yes.

But nobody who's come back.

IF YOU'RE SAD,

BURN SOMETHING

-What the hell are we doing here?

-What do you think?

You gotta be f*cking kidding me.

My mom's here.

But isn't this

Just a quick pit stop

before we head to the Cruiser.

A what?

A pit stop.

It's gonna be a long night, bro.

We're gonna need snacks.

How do you want to do this?

Guys, isn't it a little late for snacks?

It's a late-night snack, Mom.

You guys go ahead. You always take longer.

Pass, it kills my mood.

Fine, I'll go.

Just a moment. A quick question.

You're going to buy snacks here?

Snacks.

At a nursing home?

HOME FOR THE ELDERLY

Old folks have the best snacks

on the market.

Okay, I'm in.

Mom, you don't need to go.

-I do. I just got hungry.

-Let's go.

Okay. Let's go. Come on.

Hello.

Good evening.

THE SUNSE

Good evening.

We're looking for something to eat.

A banana.

Well, I don't know.

Some fruit. A tangerine or

or a sandwich.

A midnight snack.

Whatever you've got.

What you want is snacks, right?

Yes.

Snacks.

Snacks.

How many?

There are six of us.

A little bit of everything

to keep us going.

That'll be six tubes then.

Tubes? What kind of tubes?

Okay, A positive.

I'm O negative.

What are you doing?

Chill, Mom. This is how you pay here.

Right.

Mom

Have you seen her shaky hands?

She'll destroy your arm.

I've got big veins. Take mine.

Sorry, sweetheart,

but you're no good to me.

You're too old.

Are you okay?

I have an idea.

This evening, we'll go to the arcade

when it closes at 7:00.

I'm going to show you a game.

It's called The Darkness of Night.

We're going to have a blast.

All right.

Benzodiazepines,

opioid analgesics, anesthetic drops,

and some fantastic suppositories.

And a banana for the lady.

Are you okay?

They told me there are boats

that take people out.

If we have to swim, we'll swim!

Is that the Crazy Cruiser?

You must be kidding me.

f*ck it.

Let's do this.

Let's do this sh*t!

Mom Mom! What the hell are you doing?

I'm 45 years old and there are still

a lot of things I've never done.

That's it, enough.

So f*ck it!

Let's go!

Come on, guys! Let's go!

Wait for me!

Look, do you see it?

There, next to the cloud.

That little red dot.

Zoe00: What are you going to do?

Everything is madness.

Noa: I don't know,

but I will not stay here.

Zoe00: So, shall we do it?

Come for a swim, girl.

The water's perfect.

Berta, I used to be just like you

when I was young.

I'll give you some advice.

Don't f*ck it up.

Life is very short, don't waste it.

You've got to live it.

And dump that guy already.

Dump him and say,

"I'm alive!"

Mom, please calm down a little.

And dry yourself, you'll get sick.

What are you doing?

Living, damn it, living!

-What?

-What the hell do you want?

This is a private beach.

If you want to use it, you have to pay.

f*ck you, clown!

Look, ma'am.

The Perpetual Help lifeguards

control this area.

The beach belongs to everyone.

The beach belongs to everyone.

The beach belongs to everyone!

The beach belongs to Come on!

The beach belongs to everyone!

The beach belongs to everyone!

Come on. Let's take

the party somewhere else.

No, Mom.

It's over.

You always were a tough nut to crack

Tough to crack

I'm always at home

Crazy for love, crazy for love

Where the hell

did all these people come from?

I don't know. From around here, I guess.

Hey, careful with that, please.

Dude, don't lean on that.

Don't f*cking lean on it!

Seriously, I didn't know

Julia was so f*cking cool.

She's the opposite of that.

Right now she's uncool.

I just wanted to say

I'm really glad

you stopped by Carol's today.

I've missed you a lot this whole time.

Well, actually I still miss you.

Well, I

Look, Noa.

What I want to say is

is that

I want to spend time with you.

Okay?

Because

Because you're the only one

who makes me forget all this sh*t.

And when we don't see each other,

I'm always thinking about you.

Hey, as*h*le!

Careful with that painting, dude!

What?

-Berta.

-What's up?

Seriously, I'm telling you.

Don't be like me.

-I don't think I'm like you.

-You're a sucker.

Look, I know

because I can recognize people like us.

-Look

-Save it. You look like a civil servant.

Do you want to be a civil servant?

What do you want to be?

No, tell me. Answer my question.

I didn't have any answers.

Worst of all,

I didn't have any questions either.

One day you think

you've succeeded in life

because you hooked up

with the hot guy at school,

and the next Bam! Acopalypse.

Suddenly, you're 45 years old

and you're like, "What? Excuse me?"

I've done nothing with my life. Nothing.

And they make you believe that being

a responsible woman is a good thing.

Of course they do.

It's a good thing for everyone else.

For those who are alive and hungover

because I'm the one who drove them home.

We're boring.

That's the way it is.

-Well, I don't think I'm

-No, we are That's the way it is.

Berta, please. Just accept it and change.

Change now because in the blink of an eye

you're gonna realize

that you prioritized being a mother

over having a successful career

after having studied your entire life.

And with top grades, by the way.

Noa is the best thing

I've ever done in my life, because

maybe that's the only thing I've done.

But when you finally try

to get your life back,

you're an old woman with no experience.

And the hot guy from school

turned out to be

a son of a b*tch.

And the most exotic trip you've ever done

in your life is to Formentera.

End of the world.

Julia, come on, no need to get upset.

You're f*cking awesome.

And you've got a great a*s, seriously.

What's that?

It'll make you feel better, trust me.

-Should I suck on it?

-Yes.

Mom!

What's up, b*tch?

Come on, let's go inside.

You look terrible.

No, I feel fantastic.

f*ck, you're high, aren't you?

No.

Well no, no.

I love you so much.

Okay, come on.

I love you so much.

-You know that?

-Sure.

Look,

I'll tell you something.

I just wanted to say sorry

because I've realized

I haven't been always there for you.

You know? I don't mean as a mother.

But, you know, as a friend, a bro.

Mom, you're not my friend.

-Not even your bro?

-No. You're my mom, okay?

That's the bad thing about Dad

and the good thing about you.

You're my mom. Period.

Julia, Noa!

Don't worry, it's me. Are you okay?

Not anymore.

Sorry, Julia. We were on patrol

and saw some commotion from outside.

Patrolling for what?

Citizen Security. Keep moving, people.

Nothing to see here.

Let's go.

That's my nephew.

We'll take care of this. Come on.

Move.

Is this a joke to you?

That's more like it.

Leave everything here,

plastic cups and all.

Come on, everybody out. Let's go.

No, no, no! Nobody's going anywhere.

-Julia, they're squatters!

-No, they're my friends.

These are your friends?

Yes. My real friends.

My crew, my bros.

Right. So what's his name?

-Him?

-Yes, him.

That's Tomás.

The Tomás who isn't an as*h*le.

That's his name.

Is your mother drunk?

Among other things.

Julia, this isn't you.

Oh, really? Who am I then?

No, tell me. Who am I?

What? You don't like what you see?

Of course you don't.

Well, what's new, Tomás?

You've never liked me.

Yes, sir. You wanted to leave me

when I got pregnant with Noa.

You asked me to get an ab*rtion.

Yep, but then you chickened out.

What are you doing?

Why are you saying all this now?

And there's more.

A lot more. You abandoned us!

But you know what?

I realized that even when you were around

you weren't really there, Tomás.

You abandoned me a long time ago. Yes.

Look, the routine didn't help.

It was reciprocal. In the end,

you wouldn't even touch me with a pole.

A pole he says!

A nice, big pole is just what I needed

after seven measly seconds

of sex with you.

Excuse me, excuse me.

At least I tried to fix things.

"Let's go to Paris," I said.

Did I or didn't I?

I even bought tickets. All you said was,

"No, I don't feel like it."

No, Paris was just one of your whims.

You just wanted to see a soccer match.

It's all part of Paris.

The important thing

was to do a trip together.

-You were going to go to Paris without me?

-Last summer.

In the end we didn't go

because your mother didn't give a sh*t.

-You know why we didn't go?

-Why?

Because I have a tumor.

That's why we didn't go to Paris.

What?

You heard me.

Tumor.

But you only care about yourself,

don't you? You just care about yourself.

Are you going to die?

Mom.

-Julia.

-Mom.

What?

Tell him.

Well, in the end it was benign.

But it was a tumor.

How are you feeling now?

I feel sad.

Why are you telling me now?

Come on, everybody out.

Everybody out, now.

This is my house too, Julia.

I said everybody out, clown!

-Hey, Julia

-Mom, please.

Wait a second!

Mom!

sh*t.

Sorry, sorry.

Get out of here, Tomás.

Please, just get out.

How's Noa?

f*ck.

Julia, it's just the comedown

from the snacks.

I'll get you a glass of water with sugar.

When did I take drugs?

-What kind of junkie mother am I?

-A f*cking awesome one.

Yep, you're the b*mb.

Drink up.

This was a total disaster.

No it wasn't.

-No!

-Yes

You went partying with your kid

and you had a f*cking great time.

That's all, don't sweat it.

I think I peed in the garden.

It's possible.

You know what's the first thing my mom did

when they announced the apocalypse?

She came to see me,

because she'd abandoned me

when I was a kid.

Well, the first part was good, right?

The second, well, no

Since the world didn't end,

the b*tch left me all over again.

I know.

Damn, Julia, that's what I'm saying.

Listen to me.

You're a f*cking awesome woman.

Yes, really. You're off the chain.

Yes, Julia.

Seriously, you're awesome.

Damn, I wish you were my mom

Wait, let me I'll do it.

sh*t, sorry. Are you okay?

-Yes, yes.

-Okay.

Take off my

Wait.

-Wait, the condom. I forgot.

-Oh, right.

Because of the tumor.

Well, the tumor isn't

-Like it like that?

-Yeah.

-Do you like it? Say it.

-I like it.

-Say it again.

-I said I like it. I like it.

I'm gonna lick your ear, okay?

Can I lick your ear?

Sure, okay.

That's enough.

Enough with the ear.

Come on, Titan! Come on! Come on, Titan!

Penetration, penetration

I love you.

What?

I said I love you.

Oh, yeah. Come on.

Good, come on!

Take it! Take it, take it, take it!

Dad?

Where are you going?

I'm just going out for a moment to

Be right back.

It's crazy downtown.

If we don't hurry, we won't make it.

Noa!

Come on.

I have to stay.

What?

I'm staying.

What do you mean you're staying?

Listen to me, it's the last train

and it's packed.

Zoe00: Are you ready?

Noa: I'm sorry.

Hey, have you got a signal?

COCA

FOR A DECENT APOCALYPSE