LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
..
MILTON: Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome back, welcome back.
At long last, the time is come.
Please, welcome to the stage...
well, me, Milton Jones!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Milton!
Good evening.
AUDIENCE: Good evening.
It's nice to be back to normal,
isn't it?
LAUGHTER
If I understand history correctly,
years ago, everyone in this country
whose name was Colin...
was rounded up...
and transported
to places like Canada,
India, Australia,
in an attempt...
LAUGHTER
Some of you seem to be ahead of me.
LAUGHTER
In an attempt...
Here we go...
LAUGHTER
In an attempt
to Colin-ise the world!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I hope you're with me now,
cos if you're not,
it's gonna be a long evening.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you need to know something.
I've spent some time
in the secret services...
the ones between
Swansea and Cardiff on the M4.
LAUGHTER
Where all the signs are encrypted.
LAUGHTER
I'm not... In Welsh.
LAUGHTER
I'm not quite sure why I lost my job
with MI5 as an interrogator...
and I didn't like to ask.
LAUGHTER
They said they had reports
of me defecting in a stairwell.
I said they needed to
read the reports more carefully.
LAUGHTER
Maybe it was that time
I was supposed to put bombs
under ships in the harbour.
I accidentally filled
all our breathing equipment
with nitrous oxide, I mean...
we laughed about it at the time.
LAUGHTER
There was that other occasion.
I woke up in the middle
of the night,
there was a beautiful woman
in my bedroom.
I said, "Who are you?
What do you want?"
She looked at me and said...
LAUGHTER
.."Nikita."
And sure enough,
when I woke up in the morning...
my radiator was missing.
LAUGHTER
And, so... "Nick heater."
LAUGHTER
And so, tonight,
ladies and gentlemen,
I'm gonna be telling you about
my career as a spy.
The highs, the lows,
and why I had to retire in the end.
The truth is, CIA, KGB, MI5,
they've all got a lot of secrets...
KFC, just the one.
LAUGHTER
It's not easy to k*ll,
not even a mouse.
Some of them
are bigger than you think.
In fact, I'm still banned
from Euro Disney.
LAUGHTER
If you assume a false identity,
you mustn't draw
any attention to yourself.
As we know,
t*rrorists all over the world
want to k*ll everyone
with a British passport.
Imagine being battered to death
with a tiny little book.
LAUGHTER
My aunt, she's almost Irish.
Her name's...
Iris.
LAUGHTER
We're very lucky in this country,
we have an amazing
cultural heritage.
Brilliant cities.
London...
LAUGHTER
WOMAN: Chelmsford!
What's... Where?
WOMAN: Chelmsford.
LAUGHTER
Chelmsford...
LAUGHTER
No, it's true. I've got a cousin
who lives in Chelmsford.
Keeps all his money
under a mattress,
on the grounds that
no thief would ever
think of looking
in the front garden.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Could have been anywhere.
LAUGHTER
Any other cities
people are proud of?
LAUGHTER
MAN: Gloucester!
Gloucester!
CHUCKLES
I was in Gloucester recently.
There was a girl
walking down the high street
with a sash saying,
"Miss Gloucester."
And I thought,
"That's a good idea."
LAUGHTER
Any other cities?
WOMAN: Truro!
Where?
Truro!
AUDIENCE CHATTER
LAUGHTER
I remember being in Truro...
CHUCKLES
LAUGHTER
..with John Lennon.
I got to the edge
of Cornwall eventually.
I turned to him, and I said,
"Imagine there's no Devon."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Not long after that,
he wrote the song...
LAUGHTER
..Help!
LAUGHTER
Sheffield, that's an amazing place.
Years ago, not only did
the citizens have to make the steel,
they used to have to
sell it as well,
so in a very real way,
he who smelt it...
dealt it.
LAUGHTER
I did a show in Liverpool recently,
a bloke came up to me afterwards.
He said,
"'Ey, listen. I wanna talk."
I said,
"Well, just keep practising!"
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Recently, I was just
to the north of London.
It turns out, like a lot of people
these days, I am in fact...
Luton intolerant.
LAUGHTER
So then, let us begin.
Stand by for
a bit of a roller-coaster.
LAUGHTER
Yes, tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
I'll be using this amazing,
state-of-the-art Alexa-type system
for all my sounds and pictures.
Man and technology working together,
artificial intelligence
dovetailing with every
nuance of human language.
I digress.
LOUD ROAR
"Digress," not "tigress."
LAUGHTER
Stand by for action...
Intrigue...
SPY MOTIF PLAYS
Suspense...
LAUGHTER
And maybe just a little bit
of what you're not expecting.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm!
I'm liking the aubergines!
LAUGHTER
Yes, tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
your mission as an audience,
should you choose to accept it,
is to watch, listen,
and to cheer silently.
Hip-hip!
AUDIENCE: Hooray!
LAUGHTER
Something is wrong
with Great Britain.
Due to hunger
and lack of education...
a lot of lollipop ladies
are being licked to death.
LAUGHTER
I have a friend
who is a person of colour,
she's also on the spectrum.
Her name's Violet.
LAUGHTER
We need to be asking the government
the difficult questions, like...
how did you know how many
census forms to send out?
LAUGHTER
This is Great Britain
and Ireland years ago,
green and pleasant lands,
whereas, today...
covered in graffiti.
LAUGHTER
People say to me, "Islamophobia."
I say no...
lamb is a type of meat.
LAUGHTER
It's not a phobia.
I mean, you might
have a phobia of lamb...
if when you were little,
you fell into a shepherd's pie.
We've all done that.
LAUGHTER
There are some strange people
out there.
Did you hear about
that woman who was arrested
at Gatwick airport this morning?
Seven baby porcupines
in a pillowcase...
..I don't know how
some people sleep at night.
LAUGHTER
Moped crime,
the scourge of our streets.
I saw a moped coming towards me
the other day.
I waited, I waited, I waited.
It was going past...
IMITATES WHOOSH
Took him off.
When I opened up
what he had in the back...
he'd clearly just
stolen a human heart.
LAUGHTER
I probably saved a life, there.
LAUGHTER
We can't trust our heroes any more.
Tom Cruise has been
involved in six missions...
which he said were impossible.
LAUGHTER
Six... Has anyone
ever said to Bear Grylls,
"You need to get out more"?
LAUGHTER
No, and yet,
he remains a liability outdoors.
I don't know if you've ever
tried to warn him
about the attack of a bear...
Bear?
LAUGHTER
Bear.
Bear?
Bear. Bear, bear, bear, bear!
Too late.
LAUGHTER
I once saw a very similar incident
with Sting and a jellyfish.
LAUGHTER
But if you want to know about me...
HARP MUSIC PLAYS
..where I come from,
where I've been,
you need to know about my past...
ECHOES
LAUGHTER
Bit further.
HARP CONTINUES
Too far now, back this way.
HARP MUSIC REVERSES
One more day.
HARP CHIMES
I always remember my mother saying,
"You can eat the leftovers
in the fridge."
I almost froze to death.
LAUGHTER
"Finish your greens," she'd shout,
until I'd eaten
nearly all my felt pens.
LAUGHTER
My sister was to
be known as "Olive,"
but when they came
to register the name,
the pen stopped working briefly,
and from then on,
she had to be known as "Clive".
LAUGHTER
My real hero was my grandfather.
Single-handedly
broke the enigma code...
machine.
LAUGHTER
Grandmother was brilliant
in her own way.
She had an amazing method for
avoiding winter fuel price rises.
Er, she died.
LAUGHTER
Towards the end,
we got her to rally for a bit...
but probably shouldn't have
let her drive a car.
LAUGHTER
My enduring memory will always
be of her giving us raisins.
Birthdays, Christmas,
always raisins.
In fact, we used to call her, er...
Peshwari Nan.
LAUGHTER
But as we sprinkled
my grandfather's remains
on his favourite bowling green,
I thought to myself...
we should probably
have had him cremated.
LAUGHTER
The people around us were
uneducated and un-enlightened.
For instance,
they had their own idea
about what post-feminism was...
LAUGHTER
I, too, struggled
with relationships.
Every February 13th,
the day before Valentine's Day,
you'd always find me running around
a late night garage, 10:30 at night,
looking for a... girlfriend.
STUTTERS
LAUGHTER
But then one day,
a neighbour said to me...
IN ACCENT: "The grass is always
greener on the other side."
"The grass is always
greener on the other side."
I thought maybe he was saying,
in some way,
that I was jealous of him.
Anyway, it turns out...
I had laid my astro-turf
upside down.
LAUGHTER
It was this same neighbour,
I thought if I rang his doorbell
in the middle of the night,
he'd invite me in,
and we'd have a huge banquet
of my favourite cereal.
It turns out, that's not
what a "Frostie reception" is.
LAUGHTER
Wasn't any easier
when I was married.
It turns out, Stalingrad to Berlin
in the back of a World w*r II tank
wasn't the retreat my wife
wanted for her birthday.
LAUGHTER
I even began to feel sorry
for Meghan Markle.
You know, wondering whether or not
to try and escape
the obsessive scrutiny
of her husband's family.
Tossing a coin,
only to see his grandmother's face
looking back at her.
LAUGHTER
When I was a teenager,
I had a friend
who went off the rails.
I said to him, "Thomas..."
LAUGHTER
"..don't do that again,
we love you!"
I wasn't sure how he'd react,
but, er...
he was chuffed.
LAUGHTER
The people around us
were negative about everything.
Yes, the oceans are being
filled with plastic,
but just look how fish are adapting.
LAUGHTER
They were negative, too,
about my choice of career.
They said it was foolish
to open a bureau for espionage...
called Intelligence Ltd.
LAUGHTER
Sure, I'd had other jobs.
My career as a photographer
was all a bit of a blur.
LAUGHTER
I was in computers for a while,
I didn't have much social contact.
Well, apart from
going into restaurants,
tripping up the waiter
and shouting,
"The server's down!"
LAUGHTER
But I was determined to infiltrate
an organisation
with branches all over this country.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
Counter-intelligence.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
First day I went in,
I picked up a lasagne,
and read,
"Remove cardboard sleeve and film."
LAUGHTER
To this day, it's the most
boring video I ever made.
LAUGHTER
In the kitchen,
I was one of those cooks
who shouts and swears a lot...
then I discovered oven gloves.
LAUGHTER
I remember once
trying to prepare some broccoli.
I said, "Listen, you're gonna
be boiled in a saucepan."
LAUGHTER
"Even then,
the kids aren't gonna eat you."
I mean, at least onions
think you care about them.
LAUGHTER
In the bakery, my favourite
was millionaire's shortbread,
or as millionaires call it...
shortbread.
LAUGHTER
Or, as short millionaires
call it...
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Bread.
LAUGHTER
.."difficult to reach biscuits."
LAUGHTER
Or, as bread
calls a short millionaire...
Rishi Sunak.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I tell you what else
is dangerous in a kitchen...
is a leopard.
LAUGHTER
I... Well, it would be, wouldn't it?
LAUGHTER
I also observed that vegans always
look miserable in photographs.
Probably because they resent having
to say the word, "Cheese."
LAUGHTER
My other favourite,
upside-down pineapple cake,
or as they call it in Australia...
LAUGHTER
.."pineapple cake."
Or, as Australian pineapples
call it...
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
.."The cake of death."
LAUGHTER
And in the evenings,
I infiltrated yet another
organisation, the UN.
Now, people think of the UN
as just being a bit of "fun."
LAUGHTER
And, in a way, it is.
But I was there to eavesdrop
on conversations between nations.
I was reporting back to my handler.
I can't reveal her identity,
but I knew her as "M".
"M" for "Mother". Whoops.
LAUGHTER
And she supplied me
with some top-of-the-range
British military
communication equipment.
And in turn,
I reported back to her...
..about what I heard one nation
saying to another.
JAZZ PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
HIGH-PITCHED: "Oi!
"Oi!
"Me old China!"
LAUGHTER
"Me old China!"
LOW-PITCHED: "Yes?"
"We've got our country back.
"We've got our country back."
"Which one?
"Canada? India? Austral..."
"No, we were
with lots of other countries.
"They had all
these rules, regulations.
"Human rights and stuff."
"Oh, tell me about it."
LIGHT LAUGHTER
"Hang on a minute.
"How come you haven't
got a Chinese accent?"
"Trust me, it's better this way."
LAUGHTER
"What you doing?"
"Oh, I'm just making roads,
railways, that sort of thing."
IMITATES DRILL
"There's another railway."
IMITATES DRILL
"There's another."
"Wow! We've got HS2..."
LIGHT LAUGHTER
"..hopefully."
LIGHT LAUGHTER
"What's that?"
"Oh, it was a railway line
"that people talked about
before the pandemic.
"I just don't know
where the pandemic came from."
"Careful."
LAUGHTER
"Anyway, I'm here to represent
the best of British manufacturing.
"Do you like fudge?"
LAUGHTER
"Fudge?" "Yeah,
it's just burnt sugar, really.
"We put it in a tin with a picture
of a cottage on the front."
LAUGHTER
"Do you wanna do a trade deal?"
"No."
"Oh." "Tell me,
where do you get your sugar from?"
WHIMPERS
"Oh, no! I haven't
thought this through at all."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So, I was beginning to
learn to think like a spy.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS
LAUGHTER
Taking nothing at face-value.
My mother phoned up the other day,
she's got a new dog.
"He's a bit shy, but he's coming
out of his shell now."
I said, "That's not a dog."
LAUGHTER
They said Heathrow
is a busy airport.
Not when I sent
one of my drones up.
LAUGHTER
The bin man said to the other day...
Said to me, the other day...
It's all right, I'll just
go back to where I went wrong.
Good evening.
LAUGHTER
The bin man said to me,
a few weeks ago...
LAUGHTER
.."Where's your recycling tubs?"
I said,
"You're not so thin yourself."
LAUGHTER
See what you nearly missed?
LAUGHTER
I was getting to the stage now,
where I needed gadgets
in my spy career.
You know,
a pen that's also a laser beam.
A shoe that's also a small office.
One of those hats that can
go all the way around the world.
LAUGHTER
Come on, Cheltenham.
Or, can I call you GCHQ?
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
Someone's released gas.
LAUGHTER
Name a gadget,
any gadget that a spy might need.
LAUGHTER
MAN 1: Laser pen.
A laser pen.
Like the one I just mentioned.
LAUGHTER
MAN SHOUTS
Let's go with laser pen.
LAUGHTER
SPY MUSIC PLAYS
LAUGHTER
Most audiences say a phone.
LAUGHTER
Meanwhile, back at
the United Nations...
JAZZ PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
LAUGHTER
MAN: Oh, dear.
AMERICAN ACCENT: "Er...
"Do I know you?"
RUSSIAN ACCENT: "Russia."
"Oh...
"This sketch was so much funnier
nine months ago."
LAUGHTER
LIGHT LAUGHTER
"Not that funny."
LAUGHTER
"Have we met?"
"At the function
at the United Nations.
"You came dressed
as the Al-Qaeda flag.
"Then we realised the invite said,
"Come in fancy dress...
"or as is."
LAUGHTER
"I don't get it."
LAUGHTER
"All I know is that America
is the greatest nation in the world,
"and that anyone
can become president."
LAUGHTER
"We noticed."
LAUGHTER
"Who's your guy?" "Vladimir Putin.
You have to admire him."
"Why's that?"
"There'll be consequences."
LAUGHTER
"What happened to your last guy?"
"Well, he's still building a wall."
LIGHT LAUGHTER
"Don't let him
get covered in wet cement.
"Why not?"
"That could set
a very bad president."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I'll never forget my first mission.
In a way, it was like a mission
you've seen a hundred times before.
A man is sitting
in the back seat of a car.
CAR CRASHES
There was no-one driving the car.
LAUGHTER
Start again. A man is sitting
in the front seat of a...
Hang on a minute.
It's 2022,
why does it have to be a man?
A bird is driving a car.
LAUGHTER
ENGINE RUMBLES
CAR CRASHES
Oh, no. He's crashed as well.
Perhaps he spent too long
looking in the mirror.
LAUGHTER
Either that, or his onboard computer
has been hacked.
Hang on a minute,
I'm getting something.
Enhance that. Let's go
to the southern hemisphere.
Enhance that.
Let's go to New Zealand.
Enhance that.
Let's go to North Island.
Enhance that. Let's go to Auckland.
If I'm not very much mistaken...
there is your "haka".
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
OK, I was that spy.
Recently, I'd received a phone call
completely out of the blue.
It seems that
I'd been mis-sold a pie.
LIGHT LAUGHTER
Oh, yes.
You could imagine the scenario.
t*rrorists selling pies
to criminals,
the whole place
could be some kind of...
Ginsters paradise.
LAUGHTER
MAN BOOS
You can't handle the truth.
LAUGHTER
The next thing I know, I'm driving
a car in northern Morocco.
ENGINE RUMBLES
The road is strangely bumpy.
LAUGHTER
I look in the mirror,
I see I'm being followed,
so I speed up.
TYRES SCREECHING
They fire a couple of shots.
g*nshots
As they fired at me,
that means I can fire at them,
cos I always play by the rules.
I pull over by the side of the road,
but it says, "Residents' parking,"
so I pull back out again.
LAUGHTER
Always play by the rules.
Just then,
we come to the edge of a town.
A man pushes his cart into the road.
I screech to a halt.
CAR HORN BLARING
Oranges go everywhere.
Now, I'm off,
rushing through the marketplace.
In and out, in and out.
I get tangled up
in an old woman's washing line,
there are trouser legs
either side of my head.
If only there'd been a sign
saying, "No dungarees."
LAUGHTER
I see the old woman's face,
she is but a voiceless victim.
She lets out
a barely audible sigh...
MAN GROANING LOUDLY
And with that,
a cigar falls from her mouth
and sets light to the laundry.
Now, I'm down by the harbour,
leaping from rooftop to rooftop,
and as I go from one to another...
..I have a sudden thought.
Maybe we are all spies,
and we all have
exactly the same secret.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS
LIGHT LAUGHTER
Am I right?
LAUGHTER
Do we all have the same secret?
Even if we don't,
that is the only thing
you're gonna remember
from tonight's show.
LAUGHTER
And it will always be there,
even at the end,
when your life
flashes before your eyes,
and God says to you, "What's that?"
You'll have to say,
"I didn't know then,
and I don't know now!"
LAUGHTER
LIGHT APPLAUSE
Eventually, I splash down
into the ocean.
I manage to swim ashore.
I come face-to-face with a pair
of very, very, very long legs.
This can only mean one thing,
some sort of daddy longlegs.
LAUGHTER
No, no. It's very much
a mummy longlegs,
this means I'm gonna have to
use my most deadly weapon...
my charm.
LIGHT LAUGHTER
"Hello.
"Never take a Bakewell tart
out of the oven too early...
"the clue is in the name."
LAUGHTER
I was up north the other day,
the North of England,
I saw a sign saying
"Bury Crematorium."
I thought, "Make your mind up."
LAUGHTER
Suffice it to say that
one thing leads to another,
and it all becomes a little bit...
lovey-dovey.
SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYS
BIRD CHIRPING
LAUGHTER
Mainly "dovey".
LAUGHTER
Meanwhile, back at
the United Nations...
WELSH ACCENT: "Australia.
"Australia.
"Australia."
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
"Yeah, mate, what is it?"
"About New South Wales..."
LAUGHTER
"What about it, mate?"
"It's tropical.
"Have you never been to Swansea?"
LAUGHTER
"I don't know, mate.
"Australia's got the greatest
climate in the world.
"Greatest food.
"Greatest sporting teams.
"It's also got
the lowest crime rate."
"Well, not originally."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I'm very lucky,
I've had an amazing career.
I've escaped on top of
one of these a few times...
a Vince Cable-car.
LAUGHTER
Well, Vince Cable is invincible...
..according to spell-check.
LAUGHTER
Another time, I was in
a fairground hall of mirrors,
and I was shot at
by a thin man with a r*fle...
although it might have
been a fat man with a bazooka.
LIGHT LAUGHTER
Another time, I had the privilege of
meeting one of my all-time heroes,
the theoretical physicist,
Stephen Hawking, and it turns out...
he was real!
LAUGHTER
Not just theoretical.
LIGHT LAUGHTER
We met in a pub,
and he said to me...
WONDROUS MUSIC PLAYS
ROBOTIC VOICE:
"Time is the fourth dimension.
"Time can be stretched.
"Time can be elongated."
I said, "Stephen, the bell's gone.
"I still can't serve you."
LAUGHTER
It can be a glamorous job, too.
Once, in an aeroplane, I remember
hearing a woman's voice saying,
"Ooh, muscles I didn't know I had."
I turned round, and she was
looking into her sick bag.
AUDIENCE GROANS
LAUGHTER
Perhaps, I was losing track
of reality.
I was already attending meetings
of Eavesdroppers Anonymous...
not that they knew.
LAUGHTER
And then,
there was my final mission.
I was in charge of
an elite group again.
It was a difficult task.
Surrender wasn't an option,
but it didn't go
as well as I'd hoped.
LAUGHTER
I was captured,
and taken to a disused warehouse.
I say disused, it was divided up
into serviced office units
for beatings,
t*rture and interrogation.
WATER DRIPPING
LAUGHTER
HIGH-PITCHED:
Tell us what we need to know.
LAUGHTER
Sounds like you need
the number of a good plumber.
LAUGHTER
We are East European,
we know lots of good plumbers.
LAUGHTER
I'm glad you said that.
LAUGHTER
MI5?
LAUGHTER
Pardon?
LAUGHTER
MI5?
I'd say you're a lot
older than that.
LAUGHTER
Who do you think I am?
I'd say you're some kind...
TIMER BEEPING
I've started, so I'll finish.
LAUGHTER
Some kind of evil mastermind.
LAUGHTER
Who, from now on,
is gonna be very good at yoga.
LAUGHTER
Correct.
Are you acting alone?
Yes, but I'm playing
multiple characters.
LAUGHTER
LIGHT APPLAUSE
No! Is anyone helping you?
Well, there's my friend, Sean.
HORN MUSIC PLAYS
I don't understand.
"French horn,"
they didn't get it here, either.
LAUGHTER
You don't recognise me, do you?
LAUGHTER
Nikita!
LAUGHTER
My codename is "Darkness".
Hello, Darkness, my old friend.
LAUGHTER
LIGHT APPLAUSE
I've come to talk to you again.
The sound of...
Silence!
Are you still angry
I stole your radiator?
You're getting warmer.
LAUGHTER
I know what you're trying to do,
you're trying to
increase global warming.
When you let me
go to the bathroom earlier,
I saw thousands of radiators.
No, one mirror, two radiators.
Sometimes, if you stand
in the right place...
Anyway...
an old woman's laundry business
burnt down.
You were nearby at the time.
I was brought up
in that small Moroccan village.
How come you don't
have a Moroccan accent?
Trust me, it's better this way.
LAUGHTER
We also met when things
all got a bit lovey-dovey.
That was you as well, was it?
Yes, I remember
when you came out
of the sea towards me.
You did that really weird walk.
It was a pebble beach.
LAUGHTER
Do you remember how we escaped?
Yes, we stole a horse
and rode to the border.
Then, we came face-to-face
with a patrol.
Fortunately, I remembered
a trick from a film
to start kissing like lovers...
but the horse
was having none of it.
LAUGHTER
There is someone else
you should meet.
LIGHT LAUGHTER
How's that even possible?
HIGH-PITCHED: You'll never get aw...
HE CHUCKLES
LAUGHTER
How dare you impersonate me?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
NORMAL VOICE:
Two can play at that game.
LAUGHTER
HIGH-PITCHED: You have a choice.
Either, you spend three years
in solitary confinement.
Or... two days in Gloucester.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Those were a long three years.
LAUGHTER
At first, I tried to
call the nearest Uber...
but the cars were all far too big
for the streets round there.
LAUGHTER
But who was the nearest driver?
Oh, no, not him again.
LAUGHTER
I didn't trust Uber drivers, anyway.
My sister was gonna marry one
in three years' time.
Then it was four years.
Then it was seven years.
Then he went off with someone else.
I felt like I was losing my mind!
I desperately needed
to get out of spying.
I desperately needed help!
Hello? You've got to help me!
LAUGHTER
You're breaking up.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
LIGHT LAUGHTER
It was around about that time...
that I began to have an epiphany.
Do you know, I've just realised
what an epiphany is!
LAUGHTER
I wish more people would.
LAUGHTER
I defected...
but not before thinking long
and hard and doing the crossword.
LIGHT LAUGHTER
I'm still an agent,
but an agent for liability insurance
in that small Moroccan town.
Even got my own
organ delivery service...
called "Liveroo".
LAUGHTER
It's true what they say, though.
If you give a man a fish...
you can really freak him out
if it's at the bus stop.
LAUGHTER
But no-one wants to retire,
you know,
be given a clock
and shown the door...
especially if you work
for Al-Qaeda.
LAUGHTER
It had always
been my dream to set up
a spy-themed optician's
on the high street...
called "For Four Eyes Only."
LAUGHTER
I've just been very lucky,
I've travelled to
every city in the world.
Name a city, any city.
MAN 1: Gloucester.
MAN 2: Gloucester!
LAUGHTER
FRENCH MUSIC PLAYS
One day, I'm gonna do this show,
and then...
..first bit, someone's gonna
shout out "phone".
LAUGHTER
Then, someone's gonna
shout out "Paris".
That person's name is Dave,
he's self-isolating at the moment,
should be back in the show
by Tuesday.
LAUGHTER
I know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna write a screenplay
for a film,
about a country singer
who's held hostage in a loft,
and call it,
Johnny Cash In The Attic.
LAUGHTER
Where, as you know,
I've already written one film.
Well, I've made the film, but now,
I've written the screenplay as well.
LAUGHTER
It's set in Newcastle.
And it's a son
talking to his mother.
GEORDIE ACCENT: "Hello, Mum.
"I got your note.
"So, I got you one of these."
LAUGHTER
And she replies...
"No, no, no!
"No, no, no, bonnie lad.
"I wrote...
" 'I like your lass...
" 'Agnes.' "
LAUGHTER
"Oh, sorry, Mum.
"Can you get us a Tizer?"
And then she electrocutes him.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I don't know,
maybe I'll spend the rest of my days
looking out into the garden
through the French windows.
Or, as they call them in France...
LAUGHTER
..fenetres.
LAUGHTER
Just then, I met Tom Cruise...
CHILDLIKE VOICE: Hello!
LAUGHTER
Scientology is an evil religion.
What do you mean,
"That's not possible"?
Have you learnt nothing
from your missions?
LAUGHTER
Maybe I, too, have become
a bit hard on the inside.
The other day, I sent a diagram
of a dissection of a rabbit
to my little nephew.
If I'd listened to
what he asked for,
it was a picture of
"Miffy or Topsy".
LAUGHTER
But at least I found out
what's happening in the real world.
AUDIENCE MURMURS
Calm down.
LAUGHTER
FRENCH ACCENT: "So...
"..how do you think it's all going?"
LAUGHTER
"Shut up!"
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
"Hm, well, my door is always open."
"No, no. That was part of
the problem in the first place.
"Too many people coming over.
No! Brexit means Brexit."
"Hm, if you ever write a dictionary,
remind me not to buy it."
LAUGHTER
"We're doing a lot better, now.
"We're doing trade deals
with American farmers."
"Pah! American animals,
they are pumped full of drugs.
"They are not fit for anything.
All they are fit for..."
"What, winning the Tour de France?"
CHUCKLES
LAUGHTER
"No, we've been
with you over 40 years,
"you haven't given us
a single concession."
"We spoke in English
the whole time you were here!"
LAUGHTER
"And we had to put up with
your ridiculous accent."
LAUGHTER
"The time has come to say goodbye,
or should I say...
"au-reservoir"?
LAUGHTER
"No, you should not.
"If you'll excuse me,
I have a very important meeting."
MUMBLING IN FRENCH
LAUGHTER
SCOTTISH ACCENT:
"Oh, hello. How are you?"
LAUGHTER
"May I say that you are
looking beautiful, tonight."
"Ooh!
"Nobody's ever said that before!"
"I don't know what it is,
there is something about you
"that just makes me
want to kiss you."
"Oh! That'll be the great big X."
LAUGHTER
"I was a bit worried about that,
"if they take it
out of the Union Jack,
"what will I be left with?"
"It'll just be one big red cross.
"Perhaps, that way,
they'll get some food parcels."
LAUGHS IN FRENCH ACCENLAUGHS IN SCOTTISH ACCEN"Tell me...
"..do you like fudge?"
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Did you hear,
in the German city of Cologne...
they sell a fragrance
called Birmingham?
LAUGHTER
I can say that,
cos I was brought up in Birmingham.
How come I don't
have a Brummie accent?
Trust me, it's better this way.
LAUGHTER
Of course,
with the pandemic and Brexit,
inevitably, I ended up
doing a bit of panic buying.
Yes, I bought two bananas
and a whistle.
Well, I panicked.
LAUGHTER
But that night,
I ate like I'd never eaten before.
LOUD CHEWING
WHISTLE BLOWS
LOUD CHEWING
WHISTLE BLOWS
After that, I set up a business
where people could change identity.
With hindsight, I should probably
have got them to pay upfront.
LAUGHTER
What have I learnt from my job?
Well, I think you probably
get what you deserve.
Yes, see, only this week,
the world's laziest teacher died...
and was buried
in an unmarked grave.
LAUGHTER
Never say, "You and whose army"
to the king.
LAUGHTER
Or indeed,
to Eric and Shirley Whosearmy,
who don't speak to their son, Ewan.
LAUGHTER
And if you want to be
able to predict the weather,
best thing to do
is to get some pine cones,
Pinophyta strobilus,
put them in a cupboard,
preferably a mahogany cupboard,
at least 120m away from the house.
And if, when you come in,
your pyjamas are wet...
it's raining.
LAUGHTER
And if you own a dog that keeps
running off into crowded areas,
so you have to shout his name
loudly after him,
into those crowded areas...
don't call him
"Death to the West."
LAUGHTER
And if you've got some leftovers,
best thing to do is put them in
the fridge for a couple of days...
and then throw them away.
LAUGHTER
After a while,
I met up with my family again.
Soon, my daughter
was asking to go to the cinema,
see the film, Bohemian Rhapsody.
I said, "I will not let you go."
LAUGHTER
She said, "Let me go."
I said...
Anyway, it went on like this.
LAUGHTER
In the event she was ill,
she couldn't go.
She choked on a small teddy
in a trifle.
LAUGHTER
But at least I tried to warn her...
Bear!
Bear!
FRIGHTENED: Bear...
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS
APPLAUSE
Thank you, thank you, Cheltenham.
I've heard of
the Cheltenham races, er...
it seems to be
mainly white people.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You can use that.
LAUGHTER
Things are getting better, though.
Today, I saw a sheep pole-dancing...
..in a kebab shop.
LAUGHTER
Spent the whole of lockdown
in my parents' house,
it was strange being back there,
looking into my neighbour's garden,
where I used to steal apples
as a toddler.
They didn't mind me
stealing apples...
it was dressing up as a toddler
they thought was weird.
LAUGHTER
So, I come from a family
of failed magicians...
I've got two half-sisters.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
My brother,
he's in his final year...
if he doesn't stop annoying me.
LAUGHTER
Any students here?
MAN: Yeah.
Yeah, what you studying?
Games development.
Games development?
Do you mean PE?
LAUGHTER
Or Cluedo?
HE CHUCKLES
Computer games?
Yeah.
Have you noticed,
if you google the phrase,
"Lost medieval servant boy..."
..it says,
"This page cannot be found."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Some of you are gonna
be doing that, tomorrow.
LAUGHTER
DELAYED LAUGH
HE CHUCKLES
Where are you up to?
HE CHUCKLES
"Peshwari Nan"?
LAUGHTER
Anyone here from outside
the United Kingdom?
MAN: Yes.
Yeah? Where you from?
New Zealand.
Ah!
Anywhere else?
LAUGHTER
People from New Zealand don't like
being called Australian, do they?
Oh, no.
AUDIENCE MEMBER HOLLERS
It's all right, I'm doing a joke.
LAUGHTER
Trust me.
HE CHUCKLES
People from New Zealand...
..don't like being
called Australian, do they?
People from Britain don't realise
there's an entirely
separate culture,
there's a great big sea
between the two places.
What people from Britain
don't realise...
I've messed it up now, cos of you.
LAUGHTER
Vince Cable?
LAUGHTER
It's all right,
I'm gonna do it, if it kills me.
LAUGHTER
Fortunately, we're not
videoing it or anything.
LAUGHTER
LIGHT APPLAUSE
People from New Zealand...
LAUGHTER
Shush.
I'll tell you when, all right?
People from New Zealand don't like
being called Australian, do they?
What people from Britain
don't realise,
it's an entirely separate culture,
there's a great big sea
between the two places.
What...
LAUGHTER
Let me finish.
LAUGHTER
What people from New Zealand
don't realise,
is that we in Britain don't care!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
HE SIGHS
Now...
HE CHUCKLES
Anyone doing anything interesting
in Cheltenham, tomorrow?
MAN: No.
No, you've decided.
You've elected a spokesperson,
haven't you?
LAUGHTER
Anyone like to prove him wrong?
LAUGHTER
What's that?
MAN: Looking up
"Lost medieval children."
LAUGHTER
Looking for lost
medieval children...
Thanks, but, you know.
Is there any subject you'd like me
to talk about before I go?
MAN: Nursing.
What was that?
Nursing!
Nursing?
Yes.
LAUGHTER
I was talking to a nurse
the other day.
She said, "The main problem, now,
facing the NHS...
"is Holby City."
LAUGHTER
Actually, she might
have said, "Obesity."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
My mum was a nurse,
my dad was a doctor.
They had six children,
we all left home early.
Well, they needed the beds.
LAUGHTER
I remember the birthday
I asked for that game, Operation.
Three years, I waited.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I think the most peaceful
Christmas I remember,
was when my mother mistakenly
covered the cake with temazepam.
LAUGHTER
My grandfather,
he's staying with us at the moment.
He's got a black eye.
I knew his room was too small
for a cuckoo clock.
LAUGHTER
DELAYED LAUGH
Well done.
DELAYED LAUGH
HE CHUCKLES
MAN: Sorry!
That's all right.
LAUGHTER
It's really fine.
LAUGHTER
My other grandfather...
..broke his leg by
standing on a doormat.
Probably should've
explained to him
the concept of a helter-skelter.
LAUGHTER
My other grandfather...
LAUGHTER
..he was a bank robber.
Trouble is, the rest of the family
were all police marksmen.
He died quite recently...
surrounded by his family.
LAUGHTER
My other grandfather...
LAUGHTER
..recently had to have
a camera inserted, internally.
But he was annoying
the wedding photographer.
LAUGHTER
My grandmother...
LAUGHTER
..she's been talking
about downsizing,
and now, she's in a little urn.
LAUGHTER
I was in a nativity play, once.
I was the man
who scares the children,
cos he comes into the hall
on the wrong day, to play badminton.
LAUGHTER
I went home for Christmas last year,
couldn't get in the door...
too many grandads.
LAUGHTER
Well, thanks for coming out
tonight, Cheltenham.
You've been very nice,
very nice, indeed.
LIGHT LAUGHTER
MAN: You're in Chelmsford.
LAUGHTER
I'm in Cheltenham.
LAUGHTER
Are you actually from Chelmsford?
LAUGHTER
Where do you live?
LAUGHTER
I'll rephrase it, why do you live?
LAUGHTER
LIGHT APPLAUSE
I'll leave you tonight...
before he gets to the stage.
LAUGHTER
I'll leave you tonight with this.
Horse whisperers,
what they do is they go
up to horses, and they go...
WHISPERING
And the horses go,
"OK, fair enough."
LIGHT LAUGHTER
Beware Chinese horse whisperers.
They go up to horses, and they go...
WHISPERING
That horse tells another horse.
LAUGHTER
That horse tells another horse!
By the end,
the last horse is going...
LIGHT LAUGHTER
BLOWS LIPS
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That's all from me.
Thank you for coming!
SMOOTH SPY MUSIC PLAYS
APPLAUSE CONTINUES
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