Chelsea Handler: The Feeling (2025)

[bunniefuu]

Please welcome

Chelsea Handler.

Oh my God!

Oh, hello, New Jersey.

Welcome!

I'm just trying to identify

my h*m* guests in the crowd tonight.

I don't...

Hello, hello.

The men? Okay, yeah.

You're straight, sir.

I can tell by your outfit.

But you are g*y.

Thank you and welcome.

Thank you for being here.

Where are the other h*m*?

Have you already been segregated? What--

Okay, thank you, thank you. I have so...

I have my entire career to thank

to h*m* men and women.

Thank you.

And I also wanna shout out

h*m* men specifically

for all of the contributions

that you guys have made to society

that go unnoticed and underappreciated.

Do you guys remember

when monkeypox came on the scene?

No, you f*cking don't. You know why?

Because every g*y man went

and got vaccinated inside of 30 days

so that the rest of us straight people

never had to deal with monkeypox.

That's what they did for our communities.

I was excited

when monkeypox came on the scene.

I was excited about a new pandemic.

New parameters, new rules.

I remember the CDC was...

was on TV one morning,

saying the two ways

to avoid contracting monkeypox

were to by A, avoid a**l penetration.

As if it just sneaks up on you

at the bank.

"Oh, whoopsie! Oh-hoo-hoo!"

Or B, avoid sharing a towel.

First of all, if you're doing a**l,

you're sharing a f*cking towel, assholes.

But we didn't have to deal with that.

I didn't have to deal

with finding out about monkeypox

because of what g*y men did

for this country.

They are patriots, and I am so appre...

That's... They got rid

of monkeypox so quickly

that I realized I was missing out...

...on a**l penetration.

I was like, "If these guys are so excited

to get back to something, I wanna try it."

And guess what? a**l penetration

isn't just for h*m* men anymore.

It's trending,

and you might wanna give it a whirl.

It can be a big pill to swallow

in the beginning, but you never know.

And my hope here tonight is for couples

who have been together for a long time...

Have you guys ever done a**l?

Okay.

So my hope here for tonight

is for newer couples, older couples,

to go home, look at each other, and think,

"Let's try a**l

and think of Chelsea Handler."

I want that to happen.

For people who are first-timers

and you're not with someone,

but you're also looking

to get anally penetrated tonight,

I want you to have a strategy, okay?

You have to pick a medium-to-small male.

Can't do that with 50 Cent.

Mm-mm.

Jo Koy maybe, but not 50 Cent.

The other upside

to a**l penetration...

...is that there is a 90% chance

you will not get pregnant,

and I love those odds.

I have a friend who's always like,

"Chelsea, you're not gonna have a baby?"

"You're gonna die alone."

I hope so.

What, you think I wanna drag a bunch

of innocent children down with me?

My baby's on my deathbed

being like, "Mommy, don't go!"

As soon as I get diagnosed

with any mild disease,

I'm gonna have my favorite drug dealer

put me down in the back of a barn

like a f*ck' horse, okay?

I'm not trying to stick around any longer.

People think I hate children.

I don't hate children. I don't.

If you want one, go get one, you know?

Good luck with that.

I don't care. I just don't want them

so close by me, you know, all the time.

The real reason I don't want children

is not because I hate them.

It's just because I found the whole thesis

of childhood so insulting. Like...

I was so annoyed when I was born.

I remember being born.

I remember being in that hospital room,

sh**ting out of my mother's Pikachu.

And I remember

these bright lights everywhere

and then someone smacking me on the a*s,

and just thinking,

"Are you f*cking kidding me?"

And then I came home to my "family,"

and there were already, like,

five other kids there.

And I remember looking at my parents like,

"Who the f*ck is in charge around here?"

"Do I have a dowry?"

"Like, how the f*ck am I going

to upwardly mobilize out of this sh*t?"

I had a problem right away, you know.

I grew up watching The Brady Bunch,

like I'm sure many of you, right?

With the six kids

and the mother and the father

and then the housekeeper, Alice.

I was like, "Where the f*ck is our Alice?"

I couldn't stand my family.

I couldn't stand my father.

He was an as*h*le.

I knew that right away.

And I was like... I was in this baby body,

but I felt like a woman, you know?

I felt womanly.

Like I wanted to start a business.

Catering or something, you know?

And my dad and I would just go at it

from a very early age.

So we're not on the same page at all.

And then,

when I was around seven years old,

he's like, "We have to take her

to Disney World or something,

so that she can see

how other children behave, you know."

"Something's missing.

Something's wrong with her."

And so my parents decided

to take us all to Disney World

when I was seven years old,

which meant we were gonna take...

My dad was a used car dealer,

so that meant we were gonna drive

from New Jersey to Florida

in my dad's blue and white molester van.

With no motel or hotel reservations.

My dad didn't ever think about

anything like that.

He would just pull over at whatever

Econo Lodge or Amber alert hotel he found.

And we'd pull into, like,

a Holiday Inn Express,

and it would say in big neon lettering,

"No vacancies."

And my dad would pop out

of the car enthusiastic.

Then I would pop out of the car after him,

like, "Hey, Stevie Wonder."

"Did you see the f*ck' sign?"

"You dumbass."

I couldn't believe

the incompetence of my parents.

Then we got to Disney World.

That's a farce too.

Just a bunch of grown men

dressed like mice.

Are you kidding me?

Even at seven, I was looking for a bar.

The most intriguing thing

I saw at Disney World

was there was

this other seven-year-old boy.

Girls and boys age at different paces,

so he may as well have been

two months old.

And he was face down on the cement

at Disney World,

and he was kicking and screaming,

and he was throwing a tantrum.

And I remember the feeling I had.

I remember looking at him,

and I was envious.

I was like, "Oh."

"Are we allowed to do that? Like..."

"That's how I feel," you know.

And I came home from that trip

after I saw that kid throw a tantrum.

I was like, "Hmm,

I'm more interested in that."

And then I went

to kindergarten or first grade,

whatever you're in when you're seven.

And then there was this boy, Aaron.

He was on the playground.

I came back from that trip and saw him

in the corner of the playground.

And he was, like, sitting

in the corner of the playground going,

"f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck,

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck."

"f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t."

And Mrs. Keenan, our teacher,

was standing across from him

and very sweet about it.

Like, she was very understanding.

And I walked over. I was like,

"What is going on over here, Mrs. Keenan?"

You know? "Why is Aaron

allowed to speak like that?"

And she said,

"Oh, Aaron has Tourette's syndrome."

And I was like,

"I would also like to get that."

And you have to understand,

my dad was so against me.

He made me read Anna Karenina by Tolstoy

when I was f*cking seven,

'cause he thought

that would keep me out of trouble.

That woman kills herself

by jumping in front of a train

because she doesn't have a boyfriend,

you know?

He made me read Moby-d*ck,

which is 1,300 pages,

when I was seven years old,

and I had to give a book report.

I would go in to school, and they would be

like, "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall."

And I'd be like,

"Which one, China or Berlin?" Like...

I'd come home to my father.

I'm like, "You have to dumb it down.

I can't relate to my f*cking colleagues."

I went to the library,

got a book about Tourette's.

I read that in f*cking 30 seconds.

I was like, "I like all of these points."

I came home that day.

I was like, "I have Tourette Syndrome."

And I waited. I waited.

I sat at the dinner table.

My mom and my dad would come home

from his non-"job" of selling used cars

that were all in our f*ck' driveway.

And my dad came home,

and I could not wait.

I was sitting on the edge of my seat.

I sat at the dinner table waiting

for, like, 40 minutes.

I was like...

Practicing all my new words.

And then my dad sat down across from me.

I'm like, "f*ck you, p*ssy m*therf*cker,

a*s, c*ck. You suck! You suck c*ck!"

And then I threw in a hard double squint.

I went...

Like, "I picked up a tic, too,

so back the f*ck up, as*h*le."

I slept like a baby that night.

Then, when I was eight years old,

I broke my arm.

This was a pivotal moment in my life.

We had a summer house

on Martha's Vineyard.

I know that makes us sound wealthy.

We weren't.

I don't know how my dad got that house.

I'm sure he stole it from somebody.

But I broke my arm, and I was outside.

I tripped over our dog,

whose name was Muttley.

And when I broke my arm,

I saw my bone coming out of my...

My elbow bone was outside of my arm.

And my brother Glen came

and scooped me up.

He's like, "Oh my God, are you okay?"

And I'm like, "I don't think so."

"You know, like, this is...

I'm, like... I don't even know."

"Do they have insurance?

Like, what do we do next?"

And he picked me up

and brought me up to my parents.

My father looked at the bone coming out

of my arm and said, "We should ice it."

And I remember just...

I had had it, you know? I had had it.

I was eight. I was like, "Are you..."

"I don't have time

for these kinds of shenanigans, okay?"

I looked at my mother,

and I looked at my father, and I said,

"Who the f*ck is in charge around here?"

"The two of you are like an ashtray

on a motorcycle."

"I have to go to a hospital now."

And I went to the hospital

with my brother Glen,

and I got a cast, and this was exciting.

'Cause then I had something physical

to threaten people with.

The cast started from here

and went to here.

I'd never felt more powerful in my life.

Like a gladiator, you know?

I came home and started to threaten

my brothers and sisters,

who are much older.

But they were humoring me,

but it didn't matter.

I felt dominion. I was like, "Yes."

And I remember organizing our dinner table

on Martha's Vineyard one summer night.

And I was telling my brother,

"You sit there, and you sit there."

And then I told my father,

"You sit facing the wall."

"And think about what you've done,"

you know.

And then I sat down,

and I slammed my cast down,

and it hit the top of my Pikachu.

And I was like, "Ow," you know?

And then it slid down, like,

two more centimeters,

and I was like, "Brrrrrr."

"What is that zone?"

And I went up that night and found out

exactly what that zone was.

And I came home for the fall. We would

spend the summers on the Vineyard.

I came home to New Jersey that fall.

Now I was like... I was eight years old,

I was about to turn nine,

and my best friend, Jodi Repati, said,

"We're having a back-to-school sleepover

at my house on Friday night at 7:30."

She goes, "Everyone's gonna come over,

and we're all gonna get the feeling."

I didn't know what the feeling was,

but I was like, "I'll f*cking find out."

"I'm not gonna run with the wrong crew.

I know how to f*cking be cool."

I walk in,

and there are nine eight-year-old girls

face down in their sleeping bags,

just going like this...

I was like, "Let's f*cking go!"

I couldn't get enough of myself.

I showed up at that sleepover at 7:30,

and I didn't get up from that position

until 7:30 a.m.,

when Jodi's mom

tapped me on the shoulder and said,

"Honey, we're gonna need you to leave."

I left that sleepover,

I had rug burns on my forehead.

I was so thirsty and dehydrated

from sweating so much into my pajamas.

I was like,

"Does anyone have a Capri-Sun, please?"

And when you're that young,

you're eight or nine years old,

you're masturbating, you're not really--

You don't even know what you're doing

is masturbating.

You're just like, "This feels amazing.

Like, why didn't anyone tell me about it?"

You're not making direct contact

with your Pikachu, you know?

Like, you want a thicker material.

Like, the thicker, the better.

You want some traction.

You want, like, a corduroy

or a thick denim.

Or what's underneath a boat.

A rudder. You want a rudder.

You want, like, a wall.

You see a corner, and you're like,

"I'm gonna f*cking get you."

And when no one says anything to you,

like, "Hey, stop jerking off,

you f*cking pig,"

you don't think that anyone even knows

what you're doing.

So I just did it all the time.

I'd come home from school.

I had a banana-seat bicycle.

Now we know what those were for.

I had a banana-seat bicycle.

I'd go on little... little "errands"

with my fake family that I created,

that I would go and drop off

at lacrosse and volleyball.

I had two fake "children,"

Lucas and Siddiqua.

Two different dads, obviously.

I would take my banana-seat bicycle,

I would hit a pothole,

and just f*ck' ride it

for, like, 30 minutes.

My neighbor called my mom,

"Your daughter's been in our pothole

in front of our living room window

for 45 minutes."

When I got home that night, my mom's like,

"Where have you been?" "Traffic."

I'd go into school,

I'd go into math class,

and they had those desks

with the apertures,

the openings on the desk,

and I'd have a Trapper Keeper in the desk

and a ruler in the Trapper Keeper.

And I would take the ruler,

and I could always do one spin.

I'd call it "a spin."

I'm like, "Do I have time for a spin?"

And I would...

I would take the ruler,

and I'd be like, "Brrrrr. You know?

I could do one round and remain alert,

you know? Like...

I wouldn't start sweating.

I'd be like, "Yeah." Like...

So I'd always do one.

I would be like...

And then I'd put the ruler away.

And masturbating as a young person

is just like masturbating as an adult.

You do one round, you cl*max,

and you're like, "Ugh, you're disgusting.

Get away from me."

"Don't f*cking touch me again."

And then 30 minutes later,

you're like, "One more time!"

So I would do it,

I would think I'd be done,

but I couldn't resist myself.

I couldn't get enough.

So I would take the ruler back out,

and then completely lose my sh*t,

you know, during the class.

By the end of class,

our math teacher would be like,

"Seven times seven."

I'd be like, "Forty-nine!"

So this was a humiliating time in my life

that I didn't even know

what was happening.

And then we had Thanksgiving dinner

with my family,

which means my six brothers and sisters,

myself included,

my mother and my father

and my grandparents.

If you're the youngest of six children,

you understand

that nobody really respects you, you know?

They didn't respect my opinion

on international or global politics

or anything that was going on

in the world.

And Thanksgiving is typically

pretty f*cking boring.

So I grabbed a ladle from the kitchen.

And I thought, "I hope

I don't have to use this," you know?

"I hope that you don't reduce me

to using a ladle

to masturbate at Thanksgiving."

"I hope that you respect

my conversation enough

that I don't have to jerk off, okay,

during a f*cking holiday

we know nothing about."

So I go,

and I sit down at the dinner table,

and I tuck the ladle underneath my thigh.

And I do one little spin, and I'm like,

"Okay, you know, remain alert."

"No one knows what's up."

And I don't know what happened after that.

I don't know if I blacked out, or...

...I lost the plot,

but all I remember waking up to

is hearing my mother's voice.

And my mother was very sweet and European

and very much the opposite of what I am.

And she said, "Chelsea."

"Chelsea."

"We need you to open your eyes."

And in that moment, I'm like, "Oh my God."

"It's over, it's over, it's over."

And I kick the ladle

to the bottom of the floor, you know.

I was like, "Get away from me,

you f*cking r*pist."

And I open my eyes,

and I see my whole family,

and their heads are bowed,

and, like, they're all looking down

in, you know, shame.

And my grandfather

is rubbing my father's back, like,

"So sorry about

your little wh*re daughter."

And I look at my mom, said, "Sweetie,

that's something that you wanna do

in the privacy of your own room."

And I'm like, "Bwuhhh!"

"Stop talking!"

And my brother Roy stood up and goes,

"She does it all the time!"

The most humiliating day of my life.

I did not masturbate,

I did not touch my own vag*na

from the age of nine to 40.

Nine to 40.

Even with tampons, I had an applicator.

"You stay away from me.

You're f*cking trouble."

And then, when I was ten years old,

my mom told us

we were going on an airplane ride

from New Jersey to California

to visit my grandparents.

I grew up watching Love Boat.

I thought, "Love Boat, airplanes."

Everything's so romanticized.

I couldn't wait to be on an airplane.

I had a little Smurfette briefcase.

I had kitten heels on.

And I was flying with my two sisters

to California from New Jersey.

And we board the plane,

and I walked past the first-class section.

And I stop, and I'm like...

"This seems like my group."

My mom's like, "This is not your group.

Go to the back of the..."

"Go to the back of the plane."

Then she slowly explained to me

that we had six children in our family,

and we will never ever

be able to afford to fly first class.

And I was like,

"Speak for yourself, b*tch."

I came back from that trip more motivated

than I have ever been in my entire life.

I was like, "f*ck this family."

I'm like, "Obviously,

you guys raised me, you know,

but I have to split ties

with these people."

"If they're okay flying coach,

we're not on the same page."

I was only ten. We were going

to Martha's Vineyard for summer.

I was like,

"What can I do as a working woman?"

"How do I start a business?"

I felt very entrepreneurial,

but I had no real ideas.

So I was like, "Okay, maybe I'll start,

like, a lemonade stand,"

but there's not enough of a profit margin.

So I decided to open up

a hard lemonade stand as a ten-year-old.

I'm like, "I'll serve gin,

whiskey, and tequila."

"I just need someone to open up

the lemonade stand with me."

My sister at the time was

a recovering Mormon, so she was out.

I was like, "Get the f*ck away from me.

We're not on the same page either."

And I went around the neighborhood

on Martha's Vineyard,

and I canvassed the neighborhood.

And I'd walk up to every rental house

and be like,

"Hello, my name is Chelsea Handler.

I'm ten years old."

"I'm opening up a lemonade stand,

and I need a business partner."

"Do you have any other ten-year-olds

that I can play with?"

And then this family said, "Yes, we have

a ten-year-old. His name is Nelson."

They sent Nelson down the stairs,

and I started grooming Nelson right away.

"Nelson, do you know how to make

a f*cking whiskey and soda? Let's go."

Nelson and I made $79

on our first day as two ten-year-olds

with a hard lemonade stand.

$79 was a big deal.

It was a big deal.

By the end of that first week,

we made $359

selling hard lemonade to parents

and anyone over ten.

Like, obviously, I had guidelines.

$359 as two ten-year-olds?

I was... I couldn't believe it.

I would count my money.

I would smell it. I was like, "Oh!"

And then I had a cigar box,

and I would tape it shut just so my dad

couldn't steal it from me, you know?

And at the end of the week,

when I made that $359,

I gave Nelson his commission,

which was $3.59.

He was over the moon.

I was like, "Stick with me, Nelson.

I will show you the way."

He's like, "This is more money

than if I lost three teeth in one week."

I realized then, I was too mature

for these other ten-year-olds.

Like, "I have too much womanhood in me.

I have to go out on my own."

And plus, my body was coming in together.

And my boob buds were bursting, you know?

And I knew it was time

to get my body off the streets.

And I was like, "What else can I do?

What else can I do?"

"Oh, I could babysit."

There are no parameters

around babysitting.

Nobody... You can be ten

and babysit for a four-year-old.

Nobody gives a sh*t.

So I decided to change businesses,

and I called every hotel

in Edgartown, Martha's Vineyard,

and I said,

"Hello, my name is Chelsea Handler."

"I know I was ten a few weeks ago.

I'm fifteen now."

"And I can babysit

for up to three children at one time

for any of your last-minute guests

who need babysitting plans."

"Please send them my way.

I'm very, very experienced."

I spent that summer

babysitting for a 14-year-old boy.

Jeremy.

Jeremy was on the spectrum.

It was before everybody knew

about the spectrum.

I knew something was up with Jeremy,

you know? I connected with him.

His parents wanted nothing to do with him.

I'm like, "I'll deal with Jeremy, okay?

You guys go out."

So I had Jeremy,

and then my business started to catch on,

and then I got three other clients.

I would babysit for these three girls

from Brookline, Massachusetts.

These three sisters. I would babysit

for them from 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m.

And then I had a reprieve, I had a break,

until I had to deal with Jeremy

every night at six.

And so, during that time off,

as I was getting very involved

in my own business as an 11-year-old,

I was getting very confident.

I was like, "Oh, it's female empowerment."

I started a business.

I'm making money. I need a break.

I'd go into this deli every day

on Main Street in Edgartown,

and I'd get a bagel with butter,

a Twix bar, and a Sprite.

And I would take a bite, a bite,

and a sip.

And it was like a phantasmagoria,

you know, of excellence.

I was like, "This is what...

f*ck the feeling."

"This is what business owners

are doing, you know?"

Taking lunch breaks by themselves

'cause they're so tired.

When I'd go into this delicatessen,

there was this girl

that worked behind the deli,

and her name was Martha McIntosh.

And I want you to picture

Amy Winehouse as an 11-year-old.

She had, like, the big beehive

and the thick, black eyeliner,

and I was attracted to her right away.

I knew that she had seen things

that I also wanted to see.

And I had never met anyone

that was faster than me. I was like, "Oh."

So I'd go in there every day

and make googly eyes at Martha.

And then finally, one day,

she asked me to come back to her house.

"Do you want to come back to my house

after my shift today?"

And I was like, "Definitely."

And I went back

to Martha McIntosh's house,

and we walked by her parents, who were

outside on the porch smoking a joint.

I'm like, "This is exactly

the kind of parenting I was looking for."

And then we went into her room,

and she hands me a Corona.

And she says, "Do you drink?"

I'm like, "Yes."

"I'm 11. Let's go, you know?"

And the next day, I went over there,

and she hands me a cigarette.

A Camel Light cigarette.

She hands me my Corona.

I'm drinking the Corona.

She hands me the Camel Light cigarette.

She goes, "Do you smoke?"

I'm like...

"Martha, ever since the day I was born

into that f*cking hospital room,

I have been dying for someone

to offer me a f*ck' cigarette."

"Yes, I smoke. Let's go, okay?"

"What else do you have up your sleeve?"

So I started going to Martha's

every single day

in between my shifts, you know?

I was exhausted

from being a child laborer, and...

I go to Martha's house,

and then on the Friday of the first week,

I'm sitting there. I'm smoking my Camel.

I'm drinking my Corona.

I feel finally alive

for the first time in my life.

I'm like, "Finally, you know?

I have an ally."

And then she said, "Hey, do you wanna go

into my closet and take your pants down?"

And I was like, "Definitely."

Like, "What's next?"

And we go into Martha McIntosh's closet.

I pull my pants down,

and she goes down on me

for, like, 15 minutes.

And I could not believe my good fortune.

I was like, "Oh my God."

I'm sitting there, drinking my Corona,

smoking my cigarette.

I felt like Matthew McConaughey.

I was like,

"All right, all right, all right."

Oh!

I loved Martha. We were so close.

You know? And I went there every day.

She'd go down on me. It was amazing.

I'd come home, and my sister,

the virgin one, would be like,

"Every time you come home

from Martha Mcintosh's house,

you smell like alcohol and cigarettes."

"Who knows what's going on over there?"

I'm like, "Oh, you'll never know

what's going on over there."

And then she told my father.

She's like, "Every time Chelsea comes home

from Martha McIntosh's house,

she smells like alcohol and cigarettes."

And my dad's like,

"Well, she seems a lot happier."

And then it was the end of the summer.

I went to Martha's every day, obviously.

And it was the end of the summer,

and we were in her closet,

and she's going down on me.

And then I'm finishing my drink

and my cigarette,

and she pops her head up

and said,

"Okay, you know, it's your turn."

And I looked around.

I'm like, "Is someone else here?

Who are you talking to?"

"What?"

And I realized what was happening.

The exchange that was happening.

And I had a decision to make that day.

So I put my cigarette out.

I pulled my pants up.

I said, "It was nice to meet you, Martha.

Good luck with everything."

"It's never gonna be my f*cking turn."

And that felt cold. It was my first lover,

and I had to leave her like that.

Because she wanted reciprocity, you know?

I remember leaving for that fall,

going back to New Jersey.

I thought about her

as being my first lover.

I was like, "I hope she's okay.

I hope she doesn't k*ll herself."

And when I came back

the next summer, I was 12,

and I went straight to the delicatessen,

as a responsible ex-lover would,

to check on my first lover

and see if she was okay.

And I saw her across the room

behind the delicatessen...

whatever that is called.

Meat slicer.

And I saw that she had had

braces installed over the winter break.

And I thought, "Somebody got out of there

just in the nick of time."

"No, thank you."

But the relationship

in combination with my business,

I felt, like, womanly, you know?

I was only 13 years old now.

I was 12, and then 13 the next summer.

I could focus. I didn't have a lover,

so I could focus on my business.

I saved over, like, $7,800

by the time I was 13.

And so I came home as a 13-year-old girl,

and my mom announced

that we were flying to California again,

to visit my grandparents this time.

This time, my dad...

my grandfather was sick.

And this time, I was traveling

with my two idiot brothers, Glen and Roy.

And I said, "Mom, don't worry

about my ticket, okay?"

"I'll handle it this time."

I went down the street

to a travel agent that lived on our street

and bought myself

my own first-class ticket.

Ballin'!

And I didn't tell anyone

because I could not f*cking wait

to see the looks on my brothers' faces.

It was like Christmas morning for three...

I could not wait to see

the expressions on their faces.

And we boarded the plane,

and I had my seat and found my...

I had a new briefcase this time.

And I had my kitten heels on, you know,

and I popped my little briefcase

in the overhead bin,

found my seat, 2C,

sat down,

looked at my brothers Roy and Glen,

and said, "See you c**ts

at the end of the flight."

It was so glorious.

And then, like, an hour into the flight,

my brothers come up from the...

to the first-class cabin.

I don't know how

they got through that curtain.

But I'm sitting there drinking champagne,

you know, celebrating.

And all of a sudden,

I see their two faces,

and they're both

standing there like idiots.

And they go, "You can't do that, Chelsea."

I go, "What? I can't do what?"

"You can't buy a first-class ticket

and not give it to Mom or one of us."

I said, "I'm sorry, how old are you two?"

And my brother Glen said, "I'm 23."

And my brother Roy's like, "I'm 24."

And I'm like, "So, collectively,

you guys are 47 years old,

and I've gotten more p*ssy

than the two of you put together."

"Get to the back of the f*ck' plane,

and I will see you when we land."

And that's why I don't have a daughter.

So I don't have some horny 11-year-old

that needs to get eaten out

every 15 minutes

and then demands to fly first class.

I don't f*ck' need that sh*t.

No dog that you rescue is ever

gonna make you go to therapy with them

or call you on your sh*t.

And if you... If your dogs...

I have a very active drug life.

If...

If I had children

and my children get into my drug drawer,

that's a pretty big deal.

If you have dogs

and they get into your drug drawer,

it's less of a big deal.

They'll survive.

And whatever the worst thing

you could do to a dog related to drugs

is, like, you know what?

"It would've been worse if I never got you

in the first place, so just get over it."

The last time my two dogs were drugged,

Bert and Bernice,

they're no longer with us,

and not because of drugs, but...

They were the last dogs, set of dogs

that I had that were drugged.

And this was at the outset of Covid.

And my sister Simone, she said--

She suggested that we go to Maine

for the summer of Covid.

She said, "Let's go to Maine."

"There's a lot less people there."

"We can rent a big house.

No one will bother us."

"We don't have to subscribe

to six-feet-apart rules,

and it's f*ck' annoying here."

"And we'll just go."

"I'll send you some links to some houses,

and just beware, they're old."

"They look like they were built

at the turn of the century."

And when I clicked on the link,

I was like, "Wh... Which century?" You know?

"These look like plantation homes."

She's like,

"Well, it's a very Republican area."

"It's actually a Republican enclave

in Maine."

And I was like...

..."Let's f*ck' go."

Nothing gets my juices flowing more

than disrupting a Republican enclave.

Nothing.

I was like, "Let's go. I'll have sex with

all my Black friends and Asian friends."

"We'll do a**l on the lawn all day long,

saluting your f*ck' flag."

And at the time, I had a huge impetus.

At the time... This was when Andrew Cuomo

was on the scene, okay?

I wanna take you back to the time

where we were getting yelled

and screamed at

every morning on national television

by this angry Italian meatball

submarine sandwich.

f*cking screaming with saliva,

"You wear a mask! You wear a mask!"

I wanted to be his face mask.

I was attracted to him.

I love...

We were so dehydrated for real leadership.

I was like, "I wanna be with him."

"I wanna be the First Lady of New York."

My virgin sister,

the boring one, was like,

"You'll never be

the First Lady of New York."

"You're a liability for any politician."

I was like...

And everyone was getting a crush on him.

Like, all these women were like,

"Cuomo, Cuomo. I love Cuomo."

I was like, "Oh."

I started to feel competitive, you know?

Covid brought out the worst in all of us.

I was like,

"I have to get ahead of these people."

"I'm a celebrity.

I can figure something out."

So I called my publicist,

and I said, "Put me on The View."

Uh...

And... and they said, "Okay."

And so I get on The View,

and I'm on a Zoom, 'cause it's Covid.

And I'm on a Zoom

with Whoopi and Joy Behar,

and they're asking me about my quarantine,

and I'm like, "Buh, buh, booh."

And then, at the very end, I said,

"Ladies, I don't wanna get off this call

before I declare

that I would like to be penetrated

by the governor of New York."

And Joy Behar's like, "Oh, Chelsea."

I was like, "You shut the f*ck up, Joy!"

"I don't need any feedback right now."

I knew if I put it out there

into the ether, you know? I knew.

So I got off the Zoom. I was like--

I looked at my dogs.

I said, "Now we wait."

Three days went by.

Three days, and my phone rang,

but it was an unknown number,

so I don't answer that.

The message was incredible.

The message was...

"Hello, Ms. Handler."

"This is Andrew Cuomo."

"C-U-O-M-O."

"I heard from a little birdie in a tree

that someone has a crush on me."

"I would like to pursue this further."

"My number is 917, la-la-la, la-la-la."

And then he goes, "Ciao."

I was holding my vag*na.

I was like, "Oh my God. Oh my God."

I didn't even finish

listening to the message

before I was in my car,

driving to my best girlfriend's house.

And she's inside her window,

I'm outside of her house,

because of f*cking Covid

and six feet apart.

And I'm playing the message on my phone,

like John Cusack in Say Anything...

I'm like, "I'm gonna f*ck the governor!"

"The governor wants to f*ck me!"

"I'm gonna be the First Lady of New York!"

Oh, it was amazing.

And then he called me,

and we talked for, like, 45 minutes.

I was like, "Oh my God, this is serious."

You know?

And then I floated the idea. "I might be

coming to Maine for the summer,

so maybe I could swing by

the Albany mansion."

"We can have an outdoor Covid-friendly

dinner date slash a**l."

"Whatever you're into."

And he was like,

"I'm very interested in that."

I said, "So how do... What do I do?"

"Do I need to quarantine

before I meet you? Like, what..."

He said, "Quarantine schmorantine."

I was like, "Oh, interesting twist."

And then once it became real, like I knew

I was probably gonna f*ck the governor...

Everyone was talking about Nipplegate

at the time.

People were talking about whether or not

he had a nipple piercing,

which, obviously, I knew he didn't.

He's a straight 64-year-old white male.

He doesn't have the guts,

you know, to do that.

But I was curious about his n*pples,

and I would zoom in...

...on pictures of him on Instagram.

And... and something curious

was going on with his n*pples.

They were headed

in a very southerly direction.

And I had never faced a storm

like that before, you know?

My older sister's like,

"Just take it from behind.

It's safer for everybody."

"There's a pandemic. You don't even

have to look at his n*pples."

"You have to do this."

I was getting cold feet.

And she's like,

"Are you a f*cking patriot or aren't you?"

I'm like, "I am. I wanna be. I wanna be.

It's just a lot to handle."

So we rent this house in Maine.

We go to Maine. I start texting him.

I'm with my whole family,

a group of friends.

We have this big house on the water

that was built

in I don't know what time period.

And I start texting him. I send him

pictures of me, like, on a paddleboard.

And all of a sudden, he stops responding.

And the first couple days,

I was trying to, you know,

convince myself it wasn't over.

I was like, "Oh, no.

He's a governor. He must be very busy."

And then on the third day,

I came downstairs

and said to my sisters

Shoshanna and Simone,

"Guys, I haven't heard from Andrew Cuomo

since I got to Maine."

And my sister, the virgin one,

was like, "I told you. I told you."

"He can't f*ck you, okay?"

"Someone in his office caught wind

of this little liaison or dalliance

and put the kibosh on it."

"He can't be screaming

at the entire country

to stand six feet apart

and then f*ck

one of the loudest people in the world."

"He just can't do that."

And my other sister's like,

"Text him one more time."

So the next morning, I'm out.

I'm in a bikini. I'm on a Vespa.

I have a face mask and a helmet on

and sunblock everywhere

just to show him I'm safe, you know?

At the last minute, I pull my top down,

so I'm topless in a bikini,

and my brother Roy is taking the photo.

And my sister Simone

comes out and sees us.

She goes, "Chelsea, what the f*ck

are you doing? That is your brother!"

But at this point, I was so desperate.

I knew I had been rejected by him,

but I was so desperate.

And also, the idea of a topless photo

of Chelsea Handler

transmitting through his iPhone,

or Andrew Cuomo's iPad,

onto the big daily

early morning briefing of Covid

on a national level

made me so joyful, you know?

Like, I just wanted to give

the country a present.

And then, when I realized

he wasn't responding, it wasn't happening,

then it sunk in, and I felt dejected.

You know, people who were single

during Covid were scared.

Like, "What if we don't ever

get penetrated again?" You know?

And then I felt terrible

that I hadn't brought my dogs

Bert and Bernice with me to Maine.

And so I was sitting

with my brothers and sisters.

I'm like, "I'm really depressed."

"I've been rejected, you guys,

and I don't even have my dogs."

"I don't even know how to get them

from California. I can't fly them."

"That's egregious.

You know, I'm not gonna do that."

And my brother Roy said,

"What about a choo-choo train?"

And my sister Simone said,

"Never mind that. We will find a way."

And she came downstairs 20 minutes later,

and she said,

"I found a couple that will drive

your dogs from California to Maine,

and they will be here in 48 hours."

I was like,

"Is that even plausible? I mean..."

I didn't know if that could happen,

but when things are going my way

and I get answers I like,

I don't ask a ton of questions.

I'm like, "Okay, great."

It was Monday night at 7:15,

and Wednesday night at 7:30 p.m,

this couple rolls into this house

I'm renting in Maine,

and Bert and Bernice stumble out

of this little hitch behind their van.

And I'm so grateful.

Anyone who is a dog owner here

knows exactly how grateful I was

when I saw them.

I ran into the house we were renting.

My brother is in the kitchen cooking,

and I grabbed two c*ck glasses,

a bottle of Belvedere,

and I start making them

a thank-you c*ck, you know?

And my brother Roy goes, "Who's that for?"

I said, "For the couple

that dropped off Bert and Bernice."

"It's a thank-you c*ck."

He said, "Don't make them

more than one round."

I said, "Why? What's your problem?"

He said, "Look at me, Chelsea."

"Anybody who drove

from California...

...to Maine

in 48 hours

is on crystal meth."

So I bring the drinks out,

and I say, "Thank you so much," you know.

And the guy's like, "Oh, sorry,

we can't have more than one drink."

"We have to be in Florida by midnight."

Whoa.

And for the next two days,

my dogs Bert and Bernice

were walking around

just aimlessly into paddleboards,

hitting their heads.

Just listlessly.

And I was looking at them like,

"Oh my God, what is wrong with my babies?"

My brother Roy is like,

"What's wrong with your babies?"

I'm like, "Look at Bert. He's bumped

into the same tree three times."

He's like, "What's wrong with your dogs?"

"You just sent them

on a high-speed

methamphetamine

car chase across the country

because a governor wouldn't f*ck you

during a global pandemic."

"So now they're detoxing

from crystal meth."

"That's what's happening."

He's like, "Thank God

you never had a real baby."

I'm like, "I'm so sick and tired

of being insulted about my parenting."

"You try raising two dogs on one income."

And then I got a text from Barbara Bush.

George W. Bush,

our former president's daughters,

the twins, Jenna and Barbara,

I'm friends with them.

I met them at this event called

the Glamour Women of the Year awards

many years ago in New York City.

And I met them. I was with my two sisters.

They were sisters.

We bonded over being sisters.

I call them "sissy."

It's easier to call all women sissy

so you don't have to remember

anybody's f*cking name.

And I get a text from Barbara Bush.

She says, "Sissy, we hear

you're in Biddeford Pool,"

which is the part of Maine I was in,

the Republican enclave.

She said,

"We hear you're in Biddeford Pool."

"We're right around the corner.

We wanna say hi."

I said, "Of course, sissy. Come on over."

And I see Barbara Bush.

She comes down the driveway.

It's this big, steep driveway

of this house we're renting.

I see her come down,

and then I see two Secret Service men

behind her come down.

And then I see the former First Lady,

Laura Bush, come down.

And I'm like, "Ohhh."

You know, too many Republicans.

Luckily, it was Covid. I was like,

"Everyone stand six feet away. Okay."

And we're circling around,

and I bring them out onto the balcony,

and we're looking at the ocean

on the terrace of this house.

And Laura Bush, the former First Lady,

has a dimple, so...

I'm a sucker for dimples.

Like, every time I see one,

I'm like, "They're innocent," you know?

I'd be a terrible juror.

I'd just base all of my opinions

on people's looks and dimples.

And then my brother Roy

walks out on the porch

and sees Laura Bush,

the former First Lady,

and says, "You look familiar."

Then they were leaving, and Barbara Bush,

my friend, was like, "Oh."

I said, "We do Pilates every morning

outside if you wanna come over."

She was newly married at the time.

She said, "Yes, we're gonna come

every morning and do Pilates with you."

So they started coming over every morning.

Everyone was banging on

about pickleball at this point.

I blame Covid for pickleball, right?

We didn't have to hear about

f*cking pickleball before Covid.

Pickleball. That is not a subject

that I can take seriously.

When people bang on and on about pickle...

That is not real exercise, okay?

So shut the f*ck up about it.

You would burn more calories

shoving an actual pickle up your as*h*le

on a pickleball court

than playing a game of pickleball.

Pickleball and Burning Man.

I don't wanna hear about that either.

Stop trying to convert me

and bring me there.

Burning Man is a bunch of rich people

trying to share for the very first time.

So everyone's talking about pickleball,

and Barbara Bush is like, "Let's have

a pickleball tournament at Kennebunkport."

"You... The Handlers versus the Bushes."

And I was like,

"Oh no, sissy. That's cute, but no."

"I'm not coming to Kennebunkport."

"I don't wanna be seen

with your father, okay?"

"I can't trust myself

in the company of your father."

"I have outbursts."

"And I'm as surprised as the next person

when they happen, okay?"

"I don't know

when I'm gonna go off on someone,

and when I do,

I'm also scared for that person."

"I certainly don't wanna do that

on someone's property, you know?"

"Be mean to your father

or confront him about who knows what."

And she's like, "Oh, sissy, don't worry.

I'll make sure Daddy's getting a massage."

I was like, "Don't call him Daddy."

"That is not my daddy."

"We're not going." My whole family,

my sister, the virgin one, was like,

"Don't take this opportunity

away from us."

"We wanna go to Kennebunkport, okay?"

"Just 'cause you

and your political bullshit,

you shouldn't take

this opportunity away from us."

"Just take one of your drugs

and subdue your personality."

And my sister's like,

"Take two. She's right. Take two."

And my brother Roy's like,

"She needs four... four edibles

if she's gonna calm down,

and that makes her

just like almost a mute."

So I took four 40 milligrams of THC

to go to Kennebunkport.

- Forty milligrams.

- Yeah!

Yeah, and I'm like...

That doesn't even... I... I...

Listen, I understand that drugs

aren't for everyone. They're for me.

We have a great understanding.

We get along great.

It's almost like, if I am sober,

I have too much of an advantage.

So I took 40 milligrams of THC.

We show up at Kennebunkport.

We're on this pickleball court.

I have a visor on and, like, cargo shorts.

I look like a giant bull d*ke.

I'm as high as a kite,

I have big, thick sunglasses on,

and we're on the pickleball court.

I'm not doing anything, 'cause you don't

have to when you play pickleball.

You just stand there.

And we're not on the court

for less than 30 seconds

before I hear the voice

of the former president

of the United States.

And he's like, "Ohhhhh."

"h*-h*, I hear the funny lady is in town."

And I'm so stoned.

I'm like, "Oh no. No."

"I thought Daddy was getting a massage."

And I look across at the sister,

the one that I trust, you know?

And she's like, "It's him. It's him.

Shut the f*ck up. Don't talk."

And I was like, "Brrrrr."

And I look over, and George W. Bush

is coming towards me with his arms open.

He's like, "Come here!"

I'm like, "Back the f*ck up!"

I was like, "There's a pandemic

going on right now. You stand back!"

- And he's like, "What?!"

- I'm like, "A pandemic."

"I know you're on your own private Idaho

in this little island you live on,

or whatever the f*ck this sh*t is."

And then my brother Roy

comes off the court,

looks at the former president,

goes, "You really look familiar."

So embarrassing, you know?

And he's like, "I wanna show you

my art collection."

He's like, "I'm a painter.

I've made a lot of paintings," you know.

I'm like, "Yeah, I know. I don't..."

"I don't... I don't want

to come with you, please."

Like, I'm so stoned.

All I want is for this to be over.

And he hooks his arm in my arm.

He's like, "Come on.

What are you scared of?"

And Barbara Bush is like,

"Just go with Daddy, sissy."

"Go with Daddy."

I'm like,

"Stop f*cking calling him Daddy!"

And we go into this house,

and it's just him and me.

And I'm like, "What is happening?

Why is this afternoon so long?"

"You know, when..."

"When will this be over?"

And he shows me his first painting.

And I'm not someone

who knows a lot about art.

I'm a philistine, and I don't feel

even compelled to pretend

that I do, you know?

I'm not someone who's like, "I know."

I don't.

To me, art, I'm so glad it's there,

you know?

It's like a duvet cover. "Thank you."

"Thank you for being here.

I don't need a ton of backstory."

"I'm not that interested."

So I'm looking at the first painting,

and I'm just trying to think

of something to say that's like,

you know, about a painting.

I'm like, "Oh."

And he goes, "Take your sunglasses off."

"So you can see the painting."

And reflexively, I'm very honest.

I said, "Mr. President,

I'm as high as a kite right now."

"You need to know that

out of respect for the Office."

And he went...

And I was like, "Yes, I am."

And then we went up.

There were, like, three landings,

three different staircases.

All of his paintings

were on these landings

or on these stairwells.

And when we got to the last painting,

I really thought,

"I have to think of something to say."

And I just was staring at it, and...

and I said, "The paint is so

thick."

And my sister Simone was like,

"Okay! Time to go!"

She was at the bottom of the stairs

'cause she had followed me,

and I was like, "Oh, thank God," you know?

She would never have

left me alone with him.

And I also wanted to get out of there

before I ended up blowing d*ck Cheney.

I was like, "What is gonna happen next?"

And then before I left, I said,

"Oh my God. Can we get a selfie together?"

Uh, and he said, "Of course," you know.

And I take a selfie

with George W. Bush and me.

And I run downstairs,

get in the car with my brother and sister,

and sent that picture

directly to Andrew Cuomo.

I was like, "Good enough for a president,

but not good enough for a governor?"

And then it came out,

like, you know, six months later

that Andrew Cuomo was a predator,

and he was, like,

harassing everyone at his workplace.

Obviously he was a predator

and harassing everyone.

He was harassing all of us

on TV every day.

I just f*cking loved it, you know.

Then my virgin sister called me.

And she goes, "It's interesting how you

extricate yourself from these situations."

"You could've been dating Andrew Cuomo.

You would be canceled right now."

I was like, "You sound disappointed."

She goes, "It's just interesting.

"Think about all the times

you get close to a bad situation."

She goes, "It's almost like

our dead mother is upstairs in heaven

just protecting you and making sure

you don't f*ck your life up."

She's like, "Remember Martha McIntosh

when she had her braces installed?"

"You got out of there

just in the nick of time too."

She goes,

"This is just this all over again."

"You just got out of there."

"You didn't make the decision.

It just happened."

I said, "That's a very interesting way

of looking at everything."

"That's how you think our mom

is spending her time in heaven?"

"By c*ck me on the ground?"

She's like, "Think about Bill Cosby.

Think about that."

I had forgotten about Bill Cosby.

I was in my twenties performing

at the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City,

and Bill Cosby was performing.

I was doing two nights.

He was doing two nights.

And after the first night,

I'm walking through the casino,

and the casino manager came up and said,

"Bill Cosby wants to meet you

in his hotel room at 3:00 p.m."

I was like, "I'll f*ck' be there."

And I had a security guard with me

and the guy who was opening for me.

And we walked up to Bill Cosby's room.

It was 2:50.

I'm always early, 'cause no one

picked me up from school.

And I'm waiting, and then I knock

on the door at three o'clock sharp,

and Bill Cosby opens the door.

I grew up worshiping Bill Cosby.

I grew up wanting my father

to be more professional like Bill Cosby.

I wanted my dad to have a gynecological

practice in our basement. You know?

With a swinging kitchen door

and a f*cking... clean sweaters on.

My dad would have never had the tenacity

to get all the degrees necessary

to become a gynecologist.

He would have been more

of a farm-to-table gynecologist.

But I wanted to be part of that family.

I wanted to be sisters

with Rudy and Vanessa,

and I wanted to f*ck the sh*t

out of my brother Theo.

That's what I wanted for myself.

Bill Cosby wanted to meet me?

Bill Cosby knew who I was?

Do you know how, like, meaningful that was

when I was at that age

and we didn't know anything

about Bill Cosby that we know now?

I couldn't wait for him to open the door,

and when he did,

he had that huge

Jell-O pudding smile, you know.

And he opened the door,

and I looked at him, and he looked at me,

and I jumped into his arms.

And I was like, "Dad, I'm home."

And we held each other,

you know, for moments.

And then, finally, he released me.

And then the door opened to emerge

that I was with two men

that he hadn't seen,

and his face turned from

a Jell-O pudding smile into a big frown.

And I didn't know at the time

what was going on.

Now I know that he was like, "Do I have

enough roofies for all of these people?"

And we walk into Bill Cosby's room,

and we're sitting there.

And he's got

this huge, palatial presidential suite.

And I'm sitting there with my opener

and my security guard.

And he just starts laying into the guy

that's opening for me.

Bill Cosby telling the guy

that he'll never amount to anything

opening for a woman.

And at first, I thought we were...

I was like, "Is this a j... Ha-ha!"

Like...

"Are we on, you know, Punk'd? Like, what..."

And then I realized

he was, like, venomous and mean.

And I was a young woman.

I didn't know how to stand up for myself.

But I had to, you know.

I had to stand up for my friend.

I was like, "We have to get up.

Like, this is awful."

"What is he doing?"

And we walked out of that room,

and I'll never forget,

the three of us were so... um...

Ugh, it was the worst feeling, you know?

That...

Walking, we couldn't even say anything

to each other.

They always say, "Never meet your idols."

And I've only had two idols.

Woody Allen and Bill Cosby.

And then that story came out

about six years later,

that Bill Cosby was roofieing every woman

that came to his hotel room.

And so my virgin sister called me again.

She's like, "Well, now we know

why Bill Cosby

was in such a bad mood that day."

And I was like,

"Little does Bill Cosby know

that that roofie wouldn't have put

a f*cking dent in me."

Thank you, New Jersey!

Thank you for such a fun show!

Thank you!

Thank you, guys!

Thank you, guys!

Thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you.

Thank you!

Thank you, guys!