02x13 - Ty Big Fat Greek Wedding

[bunniefuu]

Ty: I can't say how nice it is

to talk to a guy like you.
Fatherinlawsus.

King to king.
Fatherinlawsus: Yes, you have

a fine city.

A good place
to raise kids, I hope.

Ty: Oh, yes.
Our infant survival rate is 14%.

I'm very proud of that number.

Fatherinlawsus: My boy,
you don't know how hard it is

to find a king
whose junk still works.

You know, a lot of your
contemporaries get their

genitals blown off in w*r.

Ty: My sister is a warrior
around here.

And there she is now,
ravaged by some battle.

Stupendous: Did you know we're
getting attacked by hordes now?

We've really made it.

Hey, who's this guy?
He's got a sword!

Fatherinlawsus: Ha ha ha ha!
Ty: Relax, Stupe.

This is
Fatherinlawsus the Great.

A warrior king whose vast empire

stretches from one
body of water to another.

He's seen noodles before!
It's cute.

She doesn't even
know what noodles are.

Stupendous: Why would you let
a conquering warrior king

inside the city walls without
letting me m*rder him first?

Where is your army?
Are they disguised as bushes?

Are they behind trees and walls,

just waiting to jump out
and scream "Surprise!"

Fatherinlawsus: That is
a great idea for a party.

You know, one of my guys
has a birthday coming up.

I should be real mean to him

and make him think
I forgot about it

so when we jump out and yell,

it almost kills him.
Only almost.

Stupendous: No, it's not
a great idea for a party.

It's a great idea for an attack.
What is going on here?

Fatherinlawsus: I understand
your concern, but I found

a new way to grow my empire.

Go ahead.
Tell her the news, son.

Ty: I'm getting married!

Stupendous: Uhh... kay?

[Theme music playing]

Shlub: My own son
getting married.

I'm so proud of you.

Now let's talk
consummation tent.

Shall we put it on the porch
so we can all hear

the erotic noises when
the blessed moment comes?

Ty: I don't care where it is
as long as the sex bell
is front and center.

The whole city needs to hear
when it goes ring-a-ding-ding.

Deliria: Oh, I love a wedding
because it's all about

me and my blessing.

Oh, the weird things I'll
expect you to do to please me.

Congratulations to us.

Stupendous: I think
you're being stupid.

Who gets married
to expand an empire?

Ty: I do, and it's genius.

Shlub: It's an arrangement that
combines sex and

whatever it is Ty's trying

to do in the world.
That's genius to me.

Stupendous: How did you not
talk to me about this first?

Did you even think about how
being under the thumb of

some warrior king
would affect my life?

I'm not manageable!
Ty: Come on, Stupe, lighten up.

Krapopolis will still
be Krapopolis.

You know, once our families
are allied,

I bet we can get pepper again.

Shlub: Mmm, spicy!

Stupendous: Do you even know
who you're marrying?

Have you thought about that?
Deliria: Oh, Stupendous.

If she's a dog, we can just
lock her in a tower.

Ty: A nice tower.
She'll love it.

Stupendous: You know weddings
are primo locations

for massacres, right?
Like, the second

most dangerous place to be
after a b*ttlefield?

I could have told you
if you'd consulted me.

Ty: I'm sure Fatherinlawsus
isn't that kind of guy,

and that means no massacres
from you, either.

I'm serious, Stupe.
That's an order.
No massacres!

Stupendous: An order?
Ugh, this keeps getting worse!

Deliria:
Does Fatherinlawsus dance?

Ty: I'm gonna say yes.
Yes to dancing, no to massacres.

Deliria: Fantastic.
We'll end the whole thing

with a showstopping
Dance of the Dads.

That'll get me hot and bothered.
[Shlub chuckles]

Ty: Just what a son
wants on his wedding day.

Deliria: This day
has to be perfect.

You know Hermes will show up
whether we invite him or not.

He's the god of critiquing
seating arrangements,

and he loves a free meal.

He also may be angry with me
since I ripped out his eyes.

Ty: Since you did
what-was-it-though?

Deliria: There!
Now that's a dress

that will
pull focus from a bride.

Hippocampus: Sorry about
the bachelor party.

This was the only strip club
I could find on short notice.

Some people think this is hot.

Shlub: This guy!

Ty: So, what Stupe
was saying about

how dangerous weddings are...
she was just

trying to scare me, right?

Hippocampus:
Are you kidding? We've got

the Bootios Bloodbath,

the Sacking of the Terziade,

the Dark Lemming Murders,

the Fall of the Eel King,

The-The Flaming Eagle
of Lord Philmox,

The Dark King's Demise
in Calfothorag,

The Cauldron Feint, the-the-the
immolation of Emperor Tong!

Ty: Those were all weddings?
I thought they were wars.

Shlub: The Dance of the Dads
is weighing heavily upon me.

I'm going to ask that fish
for some pointers.

Ty: So, you're not worried
about a m*ssacre?

Shlub: Why would I be?
I'm never the target.

I'm too beloved.

Fatherinlawsus:
General Stupendous.

I thought I'd find you here.
You seem upset.

Stupendous: Well, yeah.
My dumb brother thinks he can do

whatever he wants on a whim
with the city

I've devoted
my life to defending.

I could be out there splitting
your guys' skulls in half,

and instead I'm
trying on dresses

and being told things
about pepper.

So, yeah, I'm a little upset.

Fatherinlawsus:
I don't blame you.
In my heyday,

I would have hated to be
denied a good fight.

I bet you think
I'm some old fuddy-duddy

who can't swing a sword anymore,
so, I just

marry off my daughters
for territory.

Stupendous: Well, yeah, kinda.

Fatherinlawsus:
And you're right.
I'm ready to

retire from warfare,
but I know you're not,

and I need someone like you
to lead my armies.

Stupendous: You do?
Fatherinlawsus: Tell me.

Have you
ever commanded an army of



Stupendous: "Pre-castrated"?
Like you still

gotta castrate 'em or...
Fatherinlawsus: No, no, no.

Pre-castrated.
It's already taken care of.

Stupendous: Wow.
To answer your question, no,

but I've always wanted to.

Fatherinlawsus:
They're very obedient.

Totally hairless.

Stupendous: I bet
they're gorgeous singers.

Fatherinlawsus: Their falsettos
could crack marble.

Here. This is for you.

Ty: I should get out
of this wedding. right?

Hippocampus: Let's just say
if you go through with it,

I'm planning on having
a stomach bug that day.

Ty: But there's also a chance
that there won't
be a m*ssacre, right?

What's that thing you were
telling me you just invented?

The thing where you can
guess how likely it is
that something will happen.

Hippocampus: You mean odds?
Ty: Yeah. What are the odds

that I get m*rder*d
at my wedding?

Hippocampus: Dude,
there's no way of knowing

unless you have 1,000 weddings.

Ty: Oh, if only there was
a way to go through with this

and not go through with it
at the same time.

[Hippocampus gasps] Holy moly.

Look, do you see that guy?

Ty: That wretched baker.
What about him?

Hippocampus: He looks
exactly like you.

Ty: What? No, he doesn't.
He's wearing an apron.

Hippocampus: His face, Ty.
[Baker grunting]

Ty: You're right.
Hippocampus: You can get
that guy

to go to the wedding
in your place.

Ty: So, if there's a m*ssacre,

he gets a sword
through his guts, not me.

And if there isn't,
we just switch back.

Either way, Krapopolis keeps
her king, and I'm a genius.

Hippocampus: Or you're a guy who
got a good idea from a genius.

Ty: That's its own
kind of intelligence.

Hey, you! Mr. Bread Guy!

Baker: Please. Mr. Bread Guy
was my father.

I just inherited his debt.
You can call me Cyrus.

Whoa! King Tyrannis?
Well, I'll be!

Ty: Actually, that's
sort of the idea.

How would you like to be me?
Pretend to be.

I mean, just through my wedding.

I've learned that royal weddings
can be dangerous.

Hippocampus: We're talking
notoriously m*ssacre-prone.

Cyrus: Eh, that doesn't
worry me.

Honestly, in some ways,

death would come as a relief.

Will there be a buffet?

Deliria: No, no, no!
The bride's brining tank

should be in the corner,
and there should be enough space

for her handmaidens to
stand around and get bad updos.

This altar is too plain and it
needs a gutter for blood.

If I'm going to bless the couple
with fertility,

I'm going to need
a lot of goats.

And can somebody clear
the area in front?

That's not enough space
for the Dance of the Dads!

Stupendous, what on earth
are you wearing?

Is this some kind of prank?

You're not allowed
to ruin this wedding.

Hermes is going to be here,
and that messy b*tch

talks, and holds a grudge.

Stupendous: It's a gift
from Fatherinlawsus.
He says it commands respect.

Deliria: Oh, if you say so.
Now, don't forget
that the sister of the groom

ties up her brother
before the ceremony.

Stupendous: Why do I
do that again?

Deliria: Well, I could
come up with some symbolism,

but really, I just think
it's funny.

You tie him up
and then, when it's time,

you toss him
into the consummation tent.

And those knots
had better be tight.

Shlub: I come to you sheepishly.
Deliria: What? You usually

come to me wolfishly.
What's wrong?

Shlub:
It's the Dance of the Dads.
I'm wondering

how important that is to you.

Deliria: It's the final offering
before I grant my blessing.

You know I love a show, and you
know I love dads dancing.

Why would you ask
how important it is?

Shlub: I just wanted
to make sure I knew you

as well as I thought I did,

though I have heard
a crazy thing

that at some weddings,
there's a dance between

the mother of the groom
and the groom.

Deliria: What? This wedding
is about pleasing me, remember.

How would dancing with
my son do that?
Where is he, anyway?

Ty: OK, first things first.
Do you know what this is?

Cyrus: A lice pick. Thanks!
I've got lice, like, everywhere.

Ty: Why don't we
work on your accent?

"Fatherinlawsus, it is a great
honor to join your family."

Hippocampus: That's not what
you sound like. [Whispers]

Cyrus [Ty's accent]:
I fart all the time
and blame Servant No Name,

but everyone knows it's me.
Hippocampus: Wow.

Ty: First of all, everyone does
that with Servant No Name,

but I agree.
That was incredible!

Cyrus: All right, get me
in that toga!

Ty: Well, fellas, I'm off
to goof around at the bakery.

I'll be seeing you both later.
And remember,

no funny business
in the consummation tent.

I'll be back before the bell.

Cyrus: Oh, no.
I never showed him how to be

an indentured bread baker!

Ty: Excuse me.
Is this the bakery?

Bakery Boss: What the hell
is wrong with you, Cyrus?

You're not gonna
pay off your debts with jokes.

Get to work
or get to be in debt.

Ty: Hello... [Clears throat]
Oh. Sorry I'm late.

Woman: No crust off my bread.
But if you don't get busy,

they'll throw you in the fire
and feed your

charred bones to the goats.

"Yer worth more to me that way."
Ha ha ha!

[Ty laughs]
Man: No, no! Aah!

Cyrus: Hey, brother. Wink, wink.
Hippocampus: Hello, Ty.

No wink.
Just Ty.

Cyrus: What are
you up to, Hippo?

Hippocampus:
Making a duplicate me.
A Hip replacement

Cyrus: So you don't have to go
to Ty... I mean, my wedding.

Hippocampus: Yes.
Cyrus: Right on.
So, it was the craziest thing.

Jonathan here...
Hippocampus: Servant No Name's

name is Jonathan?
Cyrus: Uh-huh.

So, he was feeding me figs,
which, wow,

what an experience, and anyway,
we got to talking,

and I thought,
Jonathan is interesting.

He's been on a boat, you know.

Jonathan: I fled a famine.

I was a doctor in my city.

Cyrus: And, Hippo, you're
a really smart fish guy.

You're, like, the most
impressive guy I know.

Hippocampus: Um, thank you.
Cyrus: Anyway, so, yeah,

he's a doctor,
he's been on a boat,

and I thought you'd hit it off.

Hippocampus: You're being
so nice, Ty.

So nice and so,
so out of character.

Jonathan: He's nice, huh?
I never knew it!

I guess getting married
can change a guy.

Shlub: Children!
Come here, please!

Cyrus: I think that's our dad.
He's very fun.

Coming, Dad!
Hippocampus: Ugh. OK.

I'm gonna test this out.
Hippo 2, you ready?

Deliria: Put those over there.

Fatherinlawsus: Knock, knock.

We all clear?
I got my daughter here.

Deliria: Wait!

Oh, sorry.
I thought Ty was in the room,

but it was just this plant.

[Laughs]

Bring her in.

Ah, there's my future
daughter-in-law.

Stupendous: I thought everyone
was supposed to, like,

stand up and make a big deal
about the bride.

Deliria: On my big day?
I don't think so.

Fatherinlawsus: Now, that suit
fits your status.

Stupendous: It does, right?
You're really good
at guessing sizes.

Fatherinlawsus: What do you say
before the wedding,

you and me go check out

some pre-castrated soldiers?

Deliria: Meaning they're
slated for castration?

Fatherinlawsus: Common mistake.
No. Pre-castrated,

like ready-castrated.

No disassembly required.

Deliria: Oh, of course.
Good deal.

Shlub: Sons, tell me,
how am I doing?

[Hippo 2 gasps]
Cyrus: I think you're
doing a great job.

Hippo 2: Yes, fah-der.
Shlub: Thanks, boys,

but I know I'm not.
Your mother cares a lot about

the Dance of the Dads,
and I didn't have the heart

to tell her I have 3 left feet.

Hippo, can you make me
one of those contraptions

that keeps time?
Hippo 2: Gargle gargle.

Cyrus: Maybe I can help you.
Shlub: There's no way.

Cyrus: Just relax
and feel the music.

Shlub: Oh, since when
can you dance?

I'm seeing a whole new side
of you.

Hippo, look at Ty and me.

Hippocampus: He seriously
thinks that's me?

Has my dad never
looked at me before?

Ty: This is actually
so simple and beautiful.

Grain and water brought together
with my powerful hands.

Forged in fire. Bread!

[Woman giggles]
Ty: Ha ha!

Woman: No, stop!
[Both laugh]

Man: What are you doing?
Man 2: You are wasting dough.

Man 3: Please, please,
please stop that.
I have kids.

Man 4: You're gonna
get us all k*lled.

Man 5: That's yeast!
Ty: Ha ha ha!

Woman: This is fun,
but it's escalating

in a way that I don't know
how to deal with.

Ty: Uhh!
OK, OK, I'll stop.

It's weird.
It never occurred to me

that a lowly commoner... like me...
could have feelings.

Woman: Do our lives... I mean,
our baker lives... do they matter?

Ty: Well, the old me
would have thought

you were a common kitchen wench.

But you're like a real person.

Woman: And the old me would have
thought you were brain dead.

Ty: Really makes you think,
doesn't it?

Uhh!
Woman: Ah!

Stupendous:
Wow, you weren't kidding.

There's not a hair on 'em.

Fatherinlawsus: I thought
I'd bring 'em

as a wedding present.
For you.

Stupendous: You really don't
want 'em anymore?

Fatherinlawsus: The truth is,
I'm just an old softie.

I want to focus on my family.
I want grandchildren.

Grandchildren
and an enormous empire.

That's what it's
all about, right?

I'll be a general to the kids.

General Granddad.
That's me: Papa.

Stupendous: And where does
that leave Ty?

Fatherinlawsus: Well, once I
have the grandkids, we'll just

send him off on our next
military campaign,

one where we know
he's gonna die.

I say "we" but, of course,

I'd leave that decision
up to you.

I think Persia could be fun.
He'll love the kebabs.

They're slightly different
from how they are here,

but again, totally up to you.

Bakery Boss: Well,
this wouldn't k*ll a hog.

That's one loaf
off your death sentence.

Ty: Aah! I just
realized something,

and when I realize something,
I need to act on it right away.

Ana, will you get out
of here with me?

Ana: Hey, boss, we're leaving,
and if you don't like it,

you can throw more peasants
into the fire.

[Blows raspberry]
Man: Why would you say that?

Hermes: Well, well, well.

Deliria: Hermes, darling,

look at the spectacle
they're putting on for me.

Hermes: Seems promising.
The blood gutter on your altar
is positively teeming.

Deliria: Oh, you'll have to tell
everyone back on Mount Olympus.

Not that I care about them.
I have enough attention here.

Hermes: I'm gonna get a drink
and talk trash

with some old spinsters.
It'll really make their day.

Deliria: Oh, they're seated
in a pen by the meat.

Hermes: Now, that is an inspired
seating arrangement.

Not bad, Deliria.
Not bad. Super speed!

Deliria: Good. Seems to have
forgotten the eye.

Stupendous, what are you doing?

Your brother should be
all tied up by now.

Bride: Can we move this along,
please? I'm pruning.

Fatherinlawsus: Soon she'll be
your problem, Ty.

The most ungrateful
daughter ever.

[Ty panting]

Hippo, I need you
to get Stupe for me.

I need to talk to her.

Hippo 2: Stupe! Stupe! Stupe!

Ana: What are we doing
in the palace?

Ty: You aren't gonna
believe this, but

I'm King Tyrannis.

Hippo 2: Stupe, Stupe, Stupe!

Stupendous: Is a weird
not-Hippo Hippo
shouting my name?

Hippocampus: Thank you.
Stupendous: What the...

Cyrus: Oof!
Stupendous: OK,

who did I just drop?

Ty: That's Cyrus, the baker
I switched with.

Cyrus: Hello!
Been having a great time!

Ana: What is going on?
Ty: We did a switch.

Now, Stupe, I know
you wanted to do

a m*ssacre on Fatherinlawsus,

and I ordered you not to,
but I've changed my mind.

Follow your bliss.
m*ssacre him

and his whole family
and do it now.

I've found a regular woman
to marry.

Stupendous and Ana: What?
Ana: Dad!

Ty: Dad?
What do you mean, "Dad"?

Ana: I did a switch, too!

Ty: Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no,
oh, no, oh, no!

Cyrus: A little help, please!
I know I'm not officially

part of the family, but
at this point, I've invested.

Ana: Dad!
Fatherinlawsus: Ana!

Why aren't you plump and juicy
and sopping wet?

Bride: Because I am!
Can someone get me

out of here now, please?

Fatherinlawsus:
Oh, don't tell me.

You did a switch again.

Is that your
identical cousin Sarah in there?

That's just great.
You'll never be

someone else's problem
at this rate.

Ana: They want to do a m*ssacre!
[People gasp]

Hermes: I'm here for this.

Don't worry, spinsters.
Nobody's coming for you.

Ty: Fatherinlawsus is your dad?
Ana: Yes. And you just

told your sister to m*rder him
and my whole family.

Deliria: Why is anyone
listening to a baker?

I demand an offering
of bread so I can

have a base for my stomach
for the rest of the night.

Now, everybody,
back to your seats.

Ty: Mom, it's me!
I'm Tyrannis!

Deliria: But you're wearing
an apron.

Cyrus: Hello, everyone.
I'm Cyrus, just a baker.

Not important enough to k*ll.
Just putting that out there.

Ty: Please, Fatherinlawsus,
this is all

just a big misunderstanding.

I'm in love with your daughter.

Fatherinlawsus: Is it true
about the m*ssacre, Stupendous?

Stupendous: Ty told me to do it,
but I don't want to.

Ana: Where did you
find this family?

Did you do any research

before you promised me to them?

Ty: I ordered her
not to do it once.

Can't we focus on that part?

Look, I'll order her
not to do it again.

Stupe, don't k*ll them.
Deliria: Oh. I'm confused.

One of them is Tyrannis, yes?

Shlub: One thing's for certain.
That's our Hippo.

Hippo 2: Aah!

Ty: Ana, you have
to believe me.

I never would have
told my sister

to k*ll your family if I
knew you were you.

In fact, it's really
out of character

that I supported
a m*ssacre at all.

I just did it because
I want to be with you.

Ana: I do get that, but...
Ty: Everybody,
please listen up.

Today, I met
the most amazing woman.

I didn't know she was her,
and she didn't know I was me,

but somehow, it just worked.

Ana: Heh, heh.
Come on, Ty, quit it.

Ty: No, I won't quit it.
Because you don't quit love.

And you don't quit weddings

and you don't quit
consummation tents.

We have it in us to fix
everything about today.

I felt something when I was
hurling buns with you,

and it's a feeling
I never want to lose.

Ana: Ty! I think you got
the wrong idea.

I have fun throwing flour around
with everybody.

That wasn't sexual for me.
And it's kind of weird

that you interpreted it
that way.

Ty: So, you don't want
to marry me?

Ana: I don't want
to marry any man.

I'm super g*y.
That's why I keep switching.

And if my father
would listen to me,

we could stop this charade.

Fatherinlawsus: Hmm? Huh?
Did you hear something?

Ty: Well, that was a bust.

Stupendous: Do you know what
I'm looking at right now?

Ty: A bunch of
hairless freaks?

Stupendous: They were gonna be
my hairless freaks.

Fatherinlawsus
promised them to me.



Ty: Wow. Well, that's one
silver lining.

At least now you don't have to
castrate all those guys, right?

Stupendous: No, it's...
ah, whatever.

Ty: Why are you mad at me?

Stupendous: I'm just
feeling really shut out.

I mean, you want
to find other ways

than w*r for Krapopolis
to expand.

Where does that leave me?

Ty: I want to find all of the
ways for Krapopolis to grow.

I've even been thinking of
slogans like

"The Stone City With Sass."

Stupendous: So, I'm just
supposed to go along with

everything you say?

Fatherinlawsus valued
my opinions.

We were making plans.

We were talking about
conquering Persia.

You never talk to me
about conquering Persia.

Fatherinlawsus: Ah, you're
telling him about Persia.

Look, Ty,
I'm sorry about my daughter,

but the good news is
we're not gonna have to

send you to your death anymore.

Ty: Wait, what?
Stupendous: It's nothing!

Ty: Cyrus, did my sister
ever mention to you

that she and Fatherinlawsus
were going to

send me to die at some point?

Cyrus: No, but to be fair,

we didn't spend that much
time together.

Ty: Really?
How long did it take you

to get rigged up like this?

Cyrus: Um...
Ty: I thought so.

Stupendous: It really wasn't
that big of a deal.

It would be years away.
I wouldn't do it.

He really only cares about
being a grandfather.

Cyrus: What's a grandfather?

I don't think we have them
in the slums.

Stupendous: It's an old man
who's obsessed with

seeing his nose on a baby.

Hermes: That was the
best wedding I've ever been to.

Deliria: You mean "best"
in a bad way.

Hermes: But that's still good.
Think of it this way.

You could be the goddess of
messy events:

weddings gone awry,
girls' weekends

where the goal is
to reset the dynamic,

revenge that you never
know when it's gonna come

for plucking out somebody's eye,

road trips where one person
is a secret planner.

Anyway, invite me to
your next party.
Buh-bye. Super speed!

Deliria: He's going to
tell everyone
what a disaster this was.

Shlub: Oh, Deliria, this doesn't
have to be a disaster.

Deliria: Really? How?

Shlub: I talked to
Fatherinlawsus and he agreed.

[Deliria gasps]
The Dance of the Dads.

Oh, Shlub! [Laughs]
Shlub: Fatherinlawsus, shall we?

Fatherinlawsus: Why not?
Might as well have a little fun.

Ha ha ha ha! You're very light
on your feet.

Shlub: Thank you.
The stranger

who I thought was my son
taught me.

Tell me, is there
a Mrs. Fatherinlawsus?

Fatherinlawsus: Oh, no.
She died in childbirth,

giving me my
ungrateful daughter.

[Fatherinlawsus and Shlub laugh]
Shlub: Good.

Cyrus: I haven't been to a lot
of weddings, and I'm wondering...

Ty: No, it's not normal.
[Soldiers singing indistinctly]

Stupendous: I knew it.
They're beautiful singers.

Cyrus: This is nice.
It's nice with you.

Can I stay?
[Laughter]

No, seriously. My boss will
k*ll me if I try and go back.

[Stupe laughs]

Bride: Hello? Is it safe
to come out?

Is anyone there?

Hello? Oh, thank God.

I thought if I was quiet,
I could ride out the m*ssacre,

but then everyone
forgot me and...

Man: Shh.
Bride: What? Is it still
going on?

Can you help me get out?
Is it... [Gasp]

Oh, my God!
Man: Aah!

Bride: What the...
[Gasp]

Oh! Oh, my...

[Man screaming]

Bride: Hello?
Hippo 2: Har-lo.

Bride: Hippocampus!
Please help me.

I don't know what's going on.

Hippo 2: I don't know
why I was made,

but I think I exist for evil.

Bride: Well, that's just great.

Man: Did you get any of that?

Woman: Bento.
[People cheering]