02x10 - John Fate Comes a-Knockin'

[bunniefuu]

Hippocampus:
Dad, it looks normal.

Shlub: Yeah? Well, look harder.
I swear I feel a mole.

Hippocampus: Do you see what
I've got slapped on my peepers?

These are Argus eyes.

If there was anything there,
I would see it.

[Knock knock knock,
knock knock knock]

Tyrannis: Someone is hitting
our door from the outside. Why?

Stupendous: I got no idea.

Tyrannis: Excuse me.
Why are you hitting our door?

Man: This is a new thing
people do with doors.

It's called knocking.

Tyrannis: That sounds fun.

[Knock knock]

Man: You only do it
from the outside.

It means you want to come in.

Tyrannis: Oh, is it related
to the concept

of knocking down the door?

Man: I don't believe it's
related to knocking down doors,

and you have to do it in 3s.

Stupendous: There's,
like, a million rules

to this stupid thing.

Tyrannis: So who are you
who has knocked my door?

Man: I am one who knows all,

everything that ever was
and ever will be,

for I am Fate, John Fate.

Tyrannis: Whoa, a Fate.

Hippocampus: I thought
the Fates were 3 sisters.

John: There are many Fates.

The sisters
are just the famous ones

because that's
what they care about.

No judgment,
just, you know, priorities.

Tyrannis: Fates
are very powerful.

I think we'd better let him in.

Hippocampus: Hang on.

How do we know
you're a real Fate

and not just some thief who's
too lazy to knock down a door?

Stupendous: Good point.

John: I knew you would ask that.

Stupendous: This guy's legit.
Tyrannis: Wow.

Hippocampus:
I'm still not convinced.

John: I was expecting
that response, as well.

It's my burden in life
to know what's coming,

and yet I still have to wait
for it to happen.

Sorry about your head,
by the way.

Hippocampus: What? Yah! Ow!

OK. Let him in.

Deliria: Do not let him in.
Tyrannis: You know him?

Deliria: Yes, and I don't
want to deal with him.

He's my ex-boyfriend.

Tyrannis: No kidding.

John: Deliria.

Deliria: Ugh...

♪

Men: ♪ Uh! ♪

♪

♪ Uh! Uh! ♪

♪ Uh uh uh whoo! ♪

John: and this
is where you'll collapse

while choking on a cashew nut.

I won't tell you
when it happens.

I could, of course,

but there has to be
some mystery in life.

At least that's what I'm told.

Tyrannis: Wow.

I've never been given a tour
of my own palace before.

John: You'll be given
a kind of tour

when an angry mob puts you
up against the wall right there.

I don't want to say
why that happens,

but I will say
you get out of it by crying.

Stupendous: That tracks.
Hey, I got a question.

You probably get this
all the time. Am I gonna die?

John: Yes.

Stupendous: Aw, crap.
Why'd I even ask?

All right, so I have
a follow-up. When?

Hippocampus: Why would you
want to know that?

Stupendous: I almost get k*lled
all the time,

and I yell, "Not today!"

It's my thing.

It's the turning point
of every battle,

but now that I know
I'm gonna die,

I can't say it
with the same confidence.

I just want to know when I can
use that line and when I can't.

John: Oh, the policy is,
we don't tell people

the time or circumstances
of their death...

it just gets messy...
but for special friends,

we're allowed to give you
one of these... fate medallion.

You don't eat it,
good for 25 yes-or-no questions,

glows green for yes
and red for no.

I just picked those colors
at random,

but I think they work.

Oh, and it explodes violently
after the 25th question,

so remember the rules
and be sure to keep track.

Ha ha ha! Sorry.
I know you don't.

Stupendous:
Well, now I will, right?

Nuts.

Tyrannis: You wasted
a question on that?

Stupendous:
That didn't count, did it?

It did?

Tyrannis: I think we're
getting off track here

if we don't use this opportunity

to hear embarrassing stories
about our mother.

Deliria: Request denied,
and I'm sorry you can't stay.

John: Oh, I don't leave yet.
Deliria: But you could.

John: In fact, I cannot because
I don't, and that's fated.

Have you learned nothing
after all these years,

my little love pumpkin?

Hippocampus: Oh, slam!

Tyrannis: That's
what I'm talking about.

Shlub: I can see the sexual
chemistry is still going strong.

Kudos to you, my good man.

Deliria: There is no chemistry,
sexual or otherwise.

Trust me, he seems fun at first,
but it wears thin.

So why are you here, John,
to win me back?

Because you must know
that doesn't happen.

John: Or does it?

Shlub: Ohh!

John: Does she still have
that cute, little sneeze,

the little mouse sneeze?

Shlub: Drives me mad
with desire,

the first two times, anyway.

John: Did for me, as well.

Interesting fact about sneezes,

they're the one thing
I can't predict.

They're completely
outside of fate,

unlike, say, broken vases.

[Crash]

Stupendous: Never gets old.

Deliria: Oh, it does, trust me.
The less you engage, the better.

Have you not already had enough
of his little parlor trick?

John: Au contraire.
They're just getting started.

They have a million
more questions

about you and me
back in the day.

Shlub: I'd love to pound down
a few drinks

with the man who took
my wife to pound town.

John: I accept.

and that was our 16th date,

but let me tell you
about that 17th date.

It was a magical night
on the island of Crete.

Now, of course, I was the only
one who knew the typhoon

would soon destroy
the restaurant we were in

and k*ll the entire staff,

just as I know I'm about
to get another glass of wine.

Another wine, please.

Stupendous:
It's not fun anymore.

Deliria: Told ya.

John: Speaking of not fun,
the typhoon k*lled

over half the population
on the island.

Did I warn them? I didn't.

This salad looks much better
than it ends up tasting,

and here is where I run
to the bathroom to vomit.

Deliria: Have you all
had enough now?

Tyrannis: Yes. He's awful.

Hippocampus: What in god's name
did you ever see in him?

Deliria: Same thing you all did.

It's exciting to know someone
who knows everything,

and then it isn't.

Tyrannis: Agreed.

Once he's done puking,
I'll ask him to leave.

Oh, here you are.

Listen. Dinner was fun,

but you must know
I'm going to kick you out.

John: Of course.

I'm just dropping off
a few things for later.

I have this special pillow.
I'm a side sleeper.

Tyrannis: I'm confused.

You knew I came in here
to kick you out, yes?

John: How could I have thought
anything else?

Tyrannis: But it looks like
you're moving in.

John: A lot of things I do
don't make sense to people

who don't know the rest
of the story.

Tyrannis: The rest of the story?

John: I don't want to get into
the nitty gritty of it,

but I leave, yada, yada,
some things happen,

and then I end up coming back.

Tyrannis: What things happen?

John: Oh, it doesn't
concern you, I mean, yet.

At some point, it will
after I marry your mom.

Tyrannis: What?

John: Yes. You're my future
stepson. How about that?

Tyrannis: Mum and Dad split up?

John: No. They love each other
right to the very end.

Tyrannis: Oh, OK.
Good, then, but he dies?

John: OK. Note that
I didn't say anything.

You came to it on your own,
but, yeah, he dies.

Your mother is sad,

but eventually,
she remembers what we had,

and... bingo, bango...
you have a stepdad.

Is there a good place
to put this pillow

so no one touches it?

Tyrannis: But if you're here
now to get back together

with my mum, that must mean
Dad is supposed to die soon?

John: Once again, that's you

doing all
the thinky-thinky part.

Anyway, if it makes this
any easier on you,

I can take my pillow.

It's just that I know
I'm gonna be using it here

when I'm doing it with your mom,
and it's kind of bulky.

I mean, it's not heavy
but more awkward.

Tyrannis: The pillow
doesn't matter anymore!

John: That's what I was
trying to explain.

Isn't that weird how something
can matter so much and then not?

It reminds me of...

Tyrannis: How does he die?

John: Oh, you know
I can't tell you that one.

Anyway, see you
at the wedding, son.

Tyrannis: Wait, wait.
You can't just go.

John: I can, and I do.

Oh, but now is when I tell you
that if you let me stay

and chat with your mother
a little bit longer,

I might be willing to spill
some details.

Deliria: Thank you
for getting rid of him.

Tyrannis: I didn't
get rid of him.

We have to let him stay.

Deliria: What?
Stupendous: Oh, he's the worst.

Tyrannis: He said
that Dad's going to die

and he's going to become
our stepfather.

Stupendous: I'll k*ll him!

Tyrannis: Stupe,
that wouldn't change things.

Stupendous: You don't know that.

Would it change things
if I k*lled the guy?

Are you lying?

Tyrannis: Stupe, he said that
he might be willing to tell us

how dad dies
if he can talk to Mum.

Shlub: I'm pretty sure
I know how I die,

and it involves no less
than 75 very randy horses.

Tyrannis: You're not dying,
not today.

Stupendous: You see
how fun that is to say?

Tyrannis: Mum, I know
you don't like him.

I know you don't want
to talk to him,

but if you can get him
to tell us how Dad dies,

we'll at least have a chance
of stopping it.

Shlub: Just lock up
the prettiest horses.

I'll tell you which ones.

Deliria: I'll talk to him.
Ohh...

John, I know you can hear me.

I'm sorry I gave you
a hard time before.

I would love to catch up.

John: Knew it, love to hear it.

Sorry about the bad news,
by the way.

I never know what to say
in these circumstances.

"Sorry" sounds bad,
but, you know, sorry.

Tyrannis: Here.
This is the wine he likes.

Deliria: We don't need wine.

I'm just going to t*rture him

until he gives us
the information we need.

Tyrannis: No, Mum.

The Fates are powerful
supernatural beings,

cosmic and mortal.

This guy is at least
as powerful as you are.

You're going to have
to flirt, to charm,

to seduce it out of him.

Deliria: Oh, if that's the case,

I'll need a hell of a lot
more wine than that.

Tyrannis: There we go.
Now tart it up, boobs out.

Give me that pouty mouth
you do so well.

What you're selling here is sex.

Hippocampus: Uh, Ty, you OK?

Tyrannis: Hippo,
my dad is fated to die today.

Do you honestly think
I'm thinking

about having sex with my mother?

Hippocampus:
You're talking about it.

Deliria: You wouldn't
be the first.

Tyrannis: There's no time
to unpack it.

Just watch Dad
and keep him alive.

I'll watch Mum seduce John Fate.

Tyrannis: We won't
let you down, right?

I'm starting to really
not like you, tiny medallion.

John: I'm so glad we get
to spend more time together.

Deliria: What's this
about Shlub dying?

John: Whoa, whoa.
Let's slow down.

"Hi, John. How are you?

What have you been up to
since we broke up?"

"Oh, I'm glad you asked.

I've taken up rock climbing.
What a workout."

Deliria: You really think
I would have that conversation?

John: No. I knew you wouldn't.

I just wanted you to know
how cool I am now.

Deliria: Well, the joke's on you

because I don't think
rock climbing is cool at all.

John: The gear is cool.

Deliria: Just tell us!

John: Oh, I will tell you,
just not yet.

Deliria: I'm not waiting.
Rrgh... yah!

John: OK. Get it
out of your system.

You know I know where each
of these things is going, right?

You know, you can never
actually hit me with one.

Deliria: Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!

John: Heh heh heh.

I'm just thinking about the fact

that you eventually
get too tired to sh**t.

Deliria: I don't get tired.

Tell me what happens
to my husband.

Raagh...

Oh. I didn't know
that could happen.

John: I didn't, either,
but I knew that it would,

so let's... oh!

Tyrannis: Fine.
We'll try the t*rture approach.

Stupendous: Are you sure
that's not how I die?

Like, sure sure?

Hippocampus: You're gonna
waste all your questions.

Dad, why do you have
so many daggers?

Shlub: I'm learning
to juggle. Mm!

Hippocampus:
Not tonight you aren't.

Are you planning to help
make this place safe?

Stupendous: I don't know.

I'm starting to think
about what you said,

and it's causing the top
of my body to hurt a little bit.

Like, if something's fated
to happen, it's gonna happen,

and that includes us trying
to stop it from happening.

Until Ty finds out
what's actually gonna happen,

there's nothing
we can do, right?

Medallion, you're all right.

Hippocampus: Well, now that
I see what we're up against,

I'm into the challenge.

I can't let
that know-it-all win.

Maybe the fact that we know
something is gonna happen

is what will allow us to break
him out of that thing happening.

I say we tie him up...

Shlub: No objections.

Hippocampus: and put him
on a bed covered in pillows.

Shlub: Ooh.

Stupendous: What if he rolls
over and smothers himself?

Shlub: Ohh!

Hippocampus: Hah!

Stupendous: Aah!
Hippocampus: Aah!

Shlub: Whoa!

Stupendous: Is it possible we're
doing more harm than good here?

Hippocampus: You're right.
I'm so stupid.

It was obviously fate for us
to know that Dad is gonna die,

which means us being here
is a continuance of that fate,

which means that our best bet
for breaking that fate

is to leave Dad alone.

Stupendous: Unless that's
also part of fate.

Want me to ask the medallion?

Hippocampus: No! Dad, stand
in the center of the room.

Don't touch anything.

Don't eat anything
and don't say anything.

Shlub: Got it.
Help me on with this, will you?

Hippocampus: What? No.
Don't put that on.

Shlub: Ah, kinky.

Hippocampus:
We'll be right outside.

Shlub: Good-bye,
training wheels.

Tyrannis: He's awake.

John: Right on schedule.

Tyrannis: You really
expect me to believe

you planned for me
to knock you out?

John: I didn't plan it,
but it was fated to happen.

Deliria: I know something else
that's fated to happen.

Either you tell me
what happens to my husband,

or I pull off all your limbs.

John: While it's true that
you could pull off my limbs,

causing me intense pain

and a lifetime of needing
to be helped to the toilet,

t*rture is not, in fact,

what causes me to spill
the secret sauce here.

Deliria: Then what does?

Because I'm not flirting
or seducing you.

John: You'll have to do
nothing of the sort,

my apple-bottomed goddess.

All that's required

is for you to answer
a few simple questions.

Deliria: Fine.

John: Do you remember
the day we went

to that little seaside village?

Deliria: Yes, John.
I do remember that day.

John: And we danced
as the sun went down.

Your mother was such
a great dancer.

Do you still dance, Deedee?

Tyrannis: Deedee?

Deliria: You are
on thin ice, John.

John: Just go with me, Deedee.

Tyrannis: Yes, Deedee.
Go with him.

John: So you remember
the village,

and do you remember
what you told me on the beach?

Deliria: I believe I said it was
the greatest day of my life.

John: Good memory,

and do you also remember
saying you loved me?

Deliria: Yes, I remember
saying that,

and I remember you telling me
you knew I would say it,

and then I remember you knowing

that the waiter
was going to spill your wine.

Tyrannis: He's been doing
the spill-predicting bit

for that long?

John: People spill wine a lot.
Enough.

I'm driving
the conversation here

because that's exactly
what happens...

I drive the conversation.

Deliria: Fine. Drive.

John: So you admit
that you remember

the "I love you,
John Fate" part.

Deliria: What do you
want me to say?

I loved you once,
and then I didn't.

John: Now we're
getting somewhere.

You loved me,
and then you didn't,

but how could that happen?

How could love just go away?

Deliria: You're a Fate.

You should know
it happens all the time.

John: I'm not asking you
if it happens.

I'm asking you how.

Deliria: Well, I don't know.

John: So if you don't know,
if love can just disappear

like that for no explainable
reason that even a goddess

can comprehend,
then it's not reliable,

which can only mean
that the love

you think you feel for Shlub
cannot be trusted.

Deliria: Why,
I suppose it can't.

John: That's what I wanted
to hear you say.

Shlub dies at sunrise.

He's partying on a pontoon boat,

and he falls, gets tangled
in a fishing net,

and drowns,
but you can't change that.

Tyrannis: Falls off a boat
and drowns?

But that would mean
he gets out of his room.

Let's go. Mum, are you coming?

John: Your mother has something
pretty heavy to think about,

real insightful stuff.

Deliria: I was playing you,
you idiot.

John: OK, if you say so.

Shlub: Ah, hello, friend.

Would that I could,
but I've made a promise to stay.

Then again, what's a life

where I'm not free
to follow butterflies?

Stupendous: Am I torn apart
by a big animal?

Little animal?

Oh, wait, little animals.

Hippocampus: These are a little
specific, don't you think?

Stupendous: I have my methods.

Am I gonna trip on a sword
but not fall into it

and instead fall
on a poison snake?

But am I on the right track?

Is it one of those
super complicated deaths

or one of those mislead deaths?

OK. Now we're getting somewhere.

Hippocampus: How many more
questions do you have?

Stupendous: 15?

[Beeping]

[Gasps]

Huh!

[Beeping continues]

Oh, no. Shlub!

Tyrannis: What was
that expl*si*n?

Hippocampus: That stupid
fate medallion.

Stupendous: We k*lled Dad.
Tyrannis: No, you didn't.

Stupendous: You don't know.
You weren't here.

Tyrannis: No. He doesn't die
in an expl*si*n.

Hippocampus:
That's good news.

Tyrannis: He drowns.

He's partying
on a pontoon boat and drowns.

Hippocampus: Less good news.

Tyrannis: We got to get
to the harbor!

Deliria: [Screeches]

John: Well, well, well.
Look who's not here.

Tyrannis: You said
he was on a pontoon boat.

This is the only
pontoon boat there is.

John: On the water, sure.

Shlub: Ha ha ha!

Tyrannis: Shlub!

Shlub: Family!

Dear lord! Ooh!

Agh!

Deliria: Oh!

John: So, Deliria,
will you marry me?

Shlub: Agh!

Deliria and Tyrannis: Shlub!

John: Uh-uh-uh.

If you just fly over there,
everybody dies.

It's actually pretty spectacular
if you want to give it a try.

I mean, you don't.

Tyrannis: He said he drowns,
but clearly he's impaled.

John: Yeah. Well, yeah.

He's impaled now,
but as he loses his strength,

his head sinks into that bucket,

and that's what ends up
getting him.

Tyrannis: He's not dead yet?

John: No, but you don't
make it in time.

Stupendous: Come on.
What are we missing?

Hippocampus:
If we're missing it,

it's fate that we're missing it.

He knows everything,
and it's all predetermined.

Tyrannis: But what if we knew
what was predetermined

as it was being determined?

Then we could determine
a new path, one where Dad lives.

Hippocampus: To do that,
we'd have to be a Fate.

Tyrannis: There has to be
some kind of loophole here.

John: There's no loophole,
I assure you.

Deliria: I can't believe it.

I can't believe
this is how I lose him.

[Ah-choo ah-choo]

Tyrannis: Wait a minute.

What was that earlier
about sneezes?

Stupendous: That the third one
is annoying?

Deliria: [Ah-choo]

Stupendous: He's not wrong.

Tyrannis: No, that
they're unpredictable.

Hippocampus: Right, and I know
something else about sneezes.

If you don't close your eyes
when you sneeze, they pop out.

Tyrannis:
That's not just a myth?

Hippocampus: It is not a myth,
and don't ask me how I know

unless you want to get
into a whole thing

about medical ethics,
which I don't.

Tyrannis: I'm not asking.

Hippocampus: You shot me a look.

Mom, can you rustle up
some pepper?

It makes people sneeze.

Stupendous: You know a lot
about sneezing.

Hippocampus: I did a deep dive,
and thank god I did!

Mom, pepper!

Deliria: Here.

John: The loss of blood is what
makes him lose consciousness,

but it's really the water
in the lungs that...

[Ah-choo]

Stupendous: Got them.

John: That's not
what's supposed to happen.

You exploited the sneeze.

Deliria: Almost like
fate can be changed.

Hippocampus:
Argus eyes out, Fate eyes in.

Tyrannis: Wait. What?

Hippocampus: Is it working?

Tyrannis: I see
what I'm going to do,

which means we can do
something else.

Mum, take us that way.

Deliria: [Screeches]

Tyrannis: No, not a raptor.
The raptor crashes.

Hippocampus:
Ty, what are you seeing?

Tyrannis: We get stuck
in the marketplace.

Split up and take the alleys.
Mum, no flying.

Deliria: I have to do this
on foot like an animal?

Stupendous: And this
is gonna work?

Tyrannis: We just know
the fated way doesn't,

so we have to do things
exactly the way we don't.

Let's go.

Hippocampus: [Panting]

OK.

Tyrannis: Stupe, right, right!

[Cattle lowing]

It's working.
Our fates are changing.

Stupendous: So do we save Dad?

Tyrannis: Not yet.

We need to keep changing
our fates until we do.

Hippo, take the alleys
instead of those stairs,

and Stupe, get to the rooftop.

Stupendous: [Panting]

Huh!

Hippocampus: Yah!

[Horse neighs]

Tyrannis: Yah!

Hippocampus: Running
out of time here.

Tyrannis: I'm shuffling fates
as fast as I can.

Hang on, Dad!

Hippocampus: [Gasps]

[Horse neighs]

[Both grunting]

Stupendous: Huh! Huh! Hngh! Aah!

Hippocampus: Ty, no. No.
No no no no!

Noooooo!

Shlub: [Coughs]

Tyrannis: We did it.
He survives!

Stupendous: Not today!

Tyrannis: And...

What the...

Shlub: Oh, thank you.
I'm so lucky you were all here.

Deliria: Mm.

We were meant to be.

John: Aha, leading me
into a pet shop,

just as I knew you would.

Stupendous: Dude, we know
you don't have your eyes.

John: You think
I need my eyes to see fate?

That reminds me, sorry
about stepping on your foot.

Hippocampus: There are
a lot of reasons I'm glad

this guy isn't gonna be
our stepdad.

Deliria: You don't say.
Here are your eyes back.

Tyrannis: So, John Fate,
for the first time in your life,

you can't say you knew
that would happen.

John: Are you kidding?

I knew it would play out
just like this.

Tyrannis: What? Then why
did you say it wouldn't?

John: I had to try
because I was fated to try,

and I knew I would fail,
but I also knew

I would convince myself
that I wouldn't fail,

which I knew wouldn't work,
but in addition,

I knew that I would ignore
the voice in my head

saying, "John, don't,"

which I knew would
ultimately be my undoing.

Tyrannis:
You're actually pathetic.

John: You think
I don't know that?

Shlub: I don't think
it's pathetic at all.

I think you're a true romantic,

but if you ever try
to woo my wife again,

I'll cut you to ribbons.

John: I know,
and it hurts like hell.

[Pouring]

Clotho: Where have you been?

John: Nowhere. Just out.

Lachesis: It was rhetorical.

We know you were trying
to get back with her.

John: So what if I was?

Lachesis and Clotho: Ohh...

Atropos: Man, you got
to cut this off.

It's never gonna work out
between you two.

John: I can hope.

Atropos: I wasn't
stating an opinion.

You die alone. He dies alone.

Lachesis: Yeah. The middle
part's nothing special, either.

The best is already over,
to be honest.

John: Just stay out of it, OK?

Atropos: You're gonna have
a lot of other relationships

in your life... fail.

John: Yah! Yagh!

Thank you.
I'll be in my room.

Clotho: Ugh, he's always
been like this.

Atropos: And always will be.

Lachesis: Guess we just
drink it ourselves.

Atropos: He dies alone.

Dan Harmon:
Did you get any of that?

Voice: Bento.