02x05 - Daddy Daddy, Bang Bang

[bunniefuu]

♪

WOMAN:
[on radio] Robbery in progress.

MITCHELL FLUTE:
Detective Flute is on it,

Detective... Mitchell Flute.
[Music]

[Engine revving, tires screech]

[Siren]

MITCHELL: Hey, dispatch,
sure got a sweet voice.

- You new?
- DISPATCH: Don't bother, Flute.

I've been warned that
you are quite the ladies' man.

MITCHELL: I don't know
who told you that,

but your eyes sure sound
beautiful.

DISPATCH: Nice try, but...
wait. Why am I naked?

MITCHELL:
I'll tell you over breakfast.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I got to slide across a hood

and knock a guy out
with one punch.

[Tires screech]

[Man gasps]
MITCHELL: Uh!

[Person clapping]

- MAN: Well done.
- MITCHELL: Can I help you with something?

MAN: I could use someone like you

in my secret
crime fighting organization.

- MITCHELL: What's the catch?
- MAN: You'll have to leave your family.

Now I know that...
[Vehicle recedes quickly]

Oh. You're gone.

MITCHELL: Your pop's got
a hell of an opportunity

to go town to town
fighting crime in tight jeans.

I got to take it, Marvin.

MARVIN: So you're just
gonna leave me and Junior?

MITCHELL: Come on, now.
I'm not a monster.

- Junior's coming with me.
- MARVIN: I knew it.

You've always
loved him more than me.

MITCHELL: Hey, that's not true.

In fact, you'd be my first
choice if he wasn't available.

MARVIN: Ohh. Thanks, Dad.

MITCHELL: I'll be back soon, Sport-o.

And when I do,
I'll teach you how to play ball.

- Let's go, Junior.
- You got it, Dad.

[Junior chuckles, vehicle recedes]

♪

MARVIN: I can't
wait for him any longer.

Let me know
if a strange older man shows up.

[Theme music playing]

♪

[Crack]

MARVIN FLUTE:
Ugh. How did I go from murders

to mopping up
a boring bank robbery?

What's next, solving CAPTCHAs?
God. I hope not.

I've literally never gotten one right.

Is the driver part of
the motorcycle?

SUMMERS: Judging
from the markings here,

they got into the vault
using heavy machinery.

Sorry. "Heavy's" offensive.

I meant big, beautiful machinery.

MITCHELL: Who's in charge
of this investigation?

I am. Who are you, man inexplicably
in shadow on a bright day?

MITCHELL: I'm 190 pounds
of dry-aged, grass-choked,

grade-A certified beefcake...

but you can call me Mitchell.

MARVIN: Daddy. Hee hee!

MITCHELL: I'm sorry. You are...?

- MARVIN: Ha! Good one, Dad!
- MITCHELL: Oh, Sport-o!

I just didn't recognize you
because you got so darn big.

MARVIN: My doctor says
all my numbers are really high.

JUNIOR: What, no hug for me,
little brother?

MARVIN: Junior.

[Rock music playing]

JUNIOR: I missed you, buddy boy.

MITCHELL: Go on.
Give your brother a hug.

[Marvin groans]

JUNIOR: I see you're still stupid.

MARVIN: I smell you're still stinky.

Stop! Stupid jerk! Let go! Dad!

JUNIOR: Oh, he's crying
because he missed me.

[Mitchell laughing]
SUMMERS: Wait.

- Your brother's a car?
- MITCHELL: Not just any car.

This here is Junior.

He's loaded with the coolest
technology 1985 had to offer...

T-tops, six lighters,

and a back seat
big enough for one handsome man

and the lucky waitress
he picked up that night.

JUNIOR: Dad's had a ton of sex
inside me.

MITCHELL: And on your hood.
Heh heh!

SUMMERS: And this is OK
because he's a car?

MARVIN: So you came back here
just to see me?

MITCHELL: Of course I did.

And I'm investigating
a string of bank robberies

across the country.
But I'm mainly here to see you

and also mainly to solve this case.

MARVIN: If you want, you can
come back to the office

and we can, like, share clues
and leads and, like,

you can, like, meet my
friends and stuff or whatever.

- MITCHELL: Sounds great, Chief-o.
- JUNIOR: Oh, hey, your fly's down.

- MARVIN: It is?
- JUNIOR: Bam!

Gas cap sack tap.
[Marvin groaning]

SUMMERS:
White families are [bleep] weird.

[Stan moaning]

STAN: Oh, God. I'm dying,

and I never got to shake
Lena Dunham's hand

and thank her for
her short window of bravery.

MR. FLESH: Who cares about you?

What happens to me if you die?
Do I come alive?

Do I become you?
Ah. What a nightmare!

No offense.
We gotta talk to your mom.

STAN:
No! She's too overprotective.

MR. FLESH: Then we better hurry
and find your dad

while we're in the sweet spot

between breakfast, beer,
and lunch... also beer. Come on.

MARVIN:
Look, Dad, here's my award

for most property damage
during a pursuit.

MITCHELL: Uh-huh.
You know, Tom Selleck

once complimented me on
my chest hair at the airport.

MARVIN: As he should.
It's very lush.

JUNIOR: And that's when a whole
turd fell out of Flute's pant leg

during the Presidential Fitness Test.

[Laughter]

MARTINEZ:
What an absolute pooser. That's a...

JUNIOR: Poop loser! Very funny.

- MARTINEZ: Thank you.
- MARVIN: How the...

You're on my desk, Junior!

JUNIOR: Oh, sorry.
Did I crush your desky-wesky?

[Engine revs]

[Junior and Martinez laugh]

- KANG: Mitchell Flute.
- This guy.

- MARVIN: You two know each other?
- MITCHELL: We worked together.

I used to call him Kemosabe,
and he used to tell me to stop.

- KANG: Many times. Where you been?
- You know me.

Solving cases, kissing faces,
and jumping cars

over drawbridges that
are almost but not quite open,

too far to get across.

JUNIOR: Mitchell's too humble,
so I made this.

['80s-style synthesizer music playing]

JUNIOR:
Welcome to the dangerous world

of a hero who was never there...

Mitchell Flute,
a loner with fists of stone

and the hair of an aging secretary.

Finally free from his son

who shakes out full turds
from his pant leg,

Mitchell vowed to help the helpless.

Assisting him along the way is
his hot mechanic Ashley

until she turned 26
and had to be replaced.

Also, here's another pic of
Flute shaking turds out

created by A.I. in the style
of Wes Anderson.

MARVIN: Why is that in the video?

[Laughter]
MITCHELL: Heh! You boys.

Hey, I gotta clean the old
spit valve on my meat horn,

but when I get back,
remind me to tell you

about the time I bedded Mrs. America

after taking down three
t*rrorists with a thumbtack

and a skunked can of Lowenbrau.

MARVIN: Look, I know
what you're gonna say.

My dad is such a hunk, right?

SUMMERS: Uh, that's not how
you should describe a parent.

- And didn't he abandon you?
- What? No. Pay attention.

My dad wasn't the problem.
Junior was.

He's the one who drove
my dad away from me,

literally and the opposite one.

Imagine a son not having
his father around at that age.

STAN: Dad, can I talk to you about
something? It's kind of important.

MARVIN: The most important thing
in life is

a father connecting on
a deep level with his son.

So please leave me alone, so I
can connect with my father...

son.

SUMMERS: You OK, Stan? You look
absolutely crushed emotionally.

As your dad's partner, I'm
very familiar with that look.

STAN: There's something I really
need to talk to my dad about,

- but it's private.
- WYNONA: You can talk freely here.

Your dad's so a*usive to us,
we're practically family.

STAN: Well, last night,
I sort of had a weird dream,

where everyone I knew was dead.

- KANG: You were just having a nightmare.
- STAN: But when I woke up,

there was a mess on the front of
my pajama pants.

- KANG: Come back.
- SUMMERS: Flute!

- WYNONA: Wait!
- MARTINEZ: Bad parenting a*s.

FLUTE: Hope you enjoyed
stealing Dad from me

because once he sees how
good I am at detectiving,

he's gonna dump you off
at a Carvana and stay with me.

JUNIOR: I wouldn't try that
if I were you.

You couldn't handle Dad.

MARVIN: Oh. Want to bet?
I'll bet you my legs.

JUNIOR: That's OK. I'm good
with my 4 wheels and one dad.

MARVIN:
Fine. Then what about this?

JUNIOR: Oh, my hood ornament!
I knew you stole it.

MARVIN: Solve the case
and I'll give it back,

- but if I solve it...
- JUNIOR: I'll leave town and you get Dad.

BOTH: Deal. Jinx!
Jinx. You owe me a Coke.

[Junior says phrase first]
Jinx. You owe me a kiss.

[Marvin groans]

WOMAN: And that's what happens
when you lose a jinx.

CHILD: What if you win it?

WOMAN: Ohh, I don't know
why I kidnapped you.

MITCHELL: All right, Junior,
what you got?

JUNIOR: I've indexed businesses
with heavy machinery

- able to rip off a bank wall...
- MITCHELL: No, no, no, no.

What you got for us tonight?
Daddy's looking for love.

MARVIN: I have so much love
to give.

JUNIOR: Daddy's looking for sex,
dummy.

MARVIN: Well, since you like
waitresses, you should

try The Wet Noodle.
They're not the prettiest,

- but they're not the prettiest.
- Heh. My boy gets me.

- Take us there, Junior.
- JUNIOR: Sounds great.

MITCHELL: Did I ever tell you about
the time I bedded Mrs. America

after k*lling three t*rrorists
with a thumbtack

and a skunked can of Lowenbrau?

[Tires screech]

MARVIN: A table for two...
people. No cars.

JUNIOR: Great.
Well, while you two eat,

I'll check the heavy
machinery rental shop.

MARVIN: Actually, maybe I'll help Junior.

MITCHELL: Glad to see my boys
getting along.

What's your name, doll?

JUNIOR: Huh. You're crazy if you
think I'll ever let you drive me.

MARVIN: And you're crazy if you
think anyone

- would drive you now.
- JUNIOR: "Now"?

MARVIN: Now that you're
covered in seagulls.

Crouton attack!

- JUNIOR: Aah! Not the seagulls!
- MARVIN: Yes, yes.

- Poop, my pretties. Poop...
- JUNIOR: Ugh! Why? Ugh. Ohh...

[Marvin laughs]

♪

KANG: Oh, great. He's one
of those spiral-drawing kids.

Look, we owe it to our community
to help this kid

or we're gonna wind up
with another Jake Paul.

MARTINEZ: As a lapsed/relapsed/
prolapsed Catholic,

you shouldn't talk about sex

until after you've had
your third kid.

SUMMERS: Don't worry.
I'm downloading

a chronological history of sex
off the internet

to help explain it to Stan.
I'm starting in the 1800s...

blowing kisses, tasteful
decolletage, furtive glances.

WYNONA: Seriously?
The human body is my specialty.

I'll handle this.

SUMMERS: Hmm.
p*rn*graphy used to be so artistic.

Whoa! Looks like razors
haven't been invented yet.

[Tires screech]

MARVIN: Wait here while I go
bond with a human

in a way you can't because
you're a stupid car.

Hey, man, I'm also a man.

You want to shake hands
because we both have them?

[Vehicle horn honks]

WORKER: Oh, my God.
Is that a classic car?

Wow. She's a beaut.

JUNIOR: You ain't so bad yourself, Don.

DON: Whoa! You can talk?

JUNIOR: I can say all kinds of
things, like "Suck it, Flute,"

and "I need the names of anyone
that rented heavy machinery

from you this week."

DON: Happy to give you that
private info

if you'll let me look under
the hood.

[Low whistle]

JUNIOR: Yeah, you're looking
at 250 cubic inches.

DON: Damn! You're huge.

MARVIN: Yeah, well, I'm 5 1/2 clean.

Now, give me that list of names
and a Mach Three Sensitive.

['80s-style synthesizer music playing]

MARVIN: Ha!
Have fun on the ground, car.

JUNIOR: Last one to the top has
to french my tailpipe. Ha ha!

♪

JUNIOR: Uhh? Huh? Wait. Don't!

I know all the words to "All Too
Well," ten-minute version.

Ow! Fire!

♪

JUNIOR: Ah, yes. Thank you.

Mmm.
[Object flies, thud]

Ah, ha ha ha! Got you back.
Now please flip me over.

STAN: This is the morgue.
I am dying!

WYNONA: [Chuckling] No.
You are here to see that

the human body is
a beautiful piece of engineering.

And it all starts with reproduction.

[Others scream]

MR. FLESH: Holy human centipede.

WYNONA: Sorry. Wrong body.
Ha ha!

This guy was attacked by
his pet chimp.

Anyway, this is where
the genitals would be

if Bobo hadn't bitten them off.

MR. FLESH: Don't worry.
[Stan breathing heavily]

This will be a pivotal part
of the podcast

after you Menendez your parents.

KANG: All right. That's enough.

It's time to do things
the old-fashioned way.

SUMMERS:
Watching "Deep Throat" now.

Still no sign of Nixon, and I'm
really praying that continues.

MARVIN: Well, none of
those leads turned out.

Can wait to tell Dad
how you beefed it.

JUNIOR: Well, not if I tell
him how you beefed it first.

MARVIN: Wait. Is that Dad?

♪

JUNIOR: Hey, Dad, um,
are... are you feeling OK?

MARVIN: He's feeling great.
This dawg's on a walk of shame.

Told you The Wet Noodle
was a bronze mine.

What was her name?

MITCHELL: I... don't remember.

JUNIOR: Dad, I think you need
something to eat.

MITCHELL: I'm fine.
Don't tell me what to do.

MARVIN: I wouldn't tell you
what to do, Dad.

I believe in permissive childing.

JUNIOR: You still got that butt banana?

He needs food.
He's not thinking straight.

MARVIN: Oh, really?
Then what's that?

Dad figured it out.

This is the heavy machinery
we've been looking for.

JUNIOR: Cross-checking the internet,
and they've

had a rally in every city where
a bank's been robbed. Let's go.

MARVIN: You remember
how many fingers she had?

That's how I know
the waitresses' names.

JUNIOR: Someone here robbed
the bank, but which one?

♪

[Loud clank]

[Footsteps clanking]

MARVIN: Freeze. Police.

♪

JUNIOR: Gah! I can't see.

['80s-style synthesizer
rock music playing]

[Breathing heavily]
JUNIOR: I won.

Looks like Dad and I will see you
in another 30 years, Flutie boy.

MARVIN: I doubt that based
on my cholesterol numbers

and because I'm busting
this perp.

♪

JUNIOR: Hey. What the...?

All right. Fine. You won.

But you need to understand,
Dad didn't just choose me.

- He needs me.
- MARVIN: You're not that special.

You're just a talking car.
Everything talks these days...

my phone, my doorbell, my son.

JUNIOR: You don't understand.

MARVIN: No, you don't understand,

so let me put it
in your language.

The tank's on E and there's not
a gas station for miles.

You're a wreck, completely totaled.

Even NPR wouldn't take you
as a tax-deductible donation

to keep quality independent
programing on the air.

Your VIN number has been
sanded down.

JUNIOR: Stop it, stop it!
You made your point.

[Sighs]
Here's Mitchell's stuff.

MITCHELL: Where's Junior going?

MARVIN: Who cares?
It's just me and you now.

Uhh! Boy, this is heavy.
What's in it?

Pills, CPAP machine, more pills.

MITCHELL: Say, did I ever tell
you about the time

I bedded a t*rror1st after
I k*lled three Mrs. Americas

with a thumbtack
and a skunked can of, um,

- of, uh...
- MARVIN: Lowenbrau?

MITCHELL: Sounds good.
Let's go get one.

[Beep]
Oh. Time to scrub Daddy.

And I'm not
referring to "Shark Tank's"

number-one selling product,
though you may need one,

because my adult diaper is full

and it does not
smell Mr. Wonderful.

MARVIN: 36, 37.

Wow. I didn't realize you had
so many health issues.

MITCHELL: Look, I know I wasn't
there when you needed me,

and I appreciate you're here
when I need you.

- I love you.
- MARVIN: I've been waiting

my whole life
for you to say that to me.

MITCHELL: Now come sit on Daddy's lap.

MARVIN: Hee hee! OK.

MITCHELL: So what's
underneath that shirt?

MARVIN: A butcher's diagram
of a cow tattoo I got

after watching ten minutes
of "The Bear."

But then I binged the rest, and
now I want to get it removed.

Too much screaming. You don't
have to work with your cousin.

MITCHELL: OK. Come on, darling.

I'm not paying you to talk.
I'm paying you to clap.

[Slaps butt]

♪

KANG: Now, when I was your age,
a boy learned this stuff by doing.

Stan, I want you to meet...

Vernadette.

Vernadette holds the record for
the most arrests in Grimsburg.

She does it all...
petty theft, light arson,

instructional prostitution.

VERNADETTE: Hey, kid,
you ready to become a...

[Coughing]

- a man?
- KANG: Oh, Vernadette. [Laugh track]

["Vernadette" theme music playing]

♪

♪

[Cheering and applause]

[Stan and Vernadette laugh]

KANG: So did you two... you know?

VERNADETTE: Shucks!
We was having way too much fun

on an all-new "Vernadette,"

Friday nights at 8/7 Central.

[Thud]

[Adults groan]

♪

JUNIOR: [Drunkenly]
Keep the ethanol coming, man.

Say, you got a nice perm.
Want to solve crimes?

I'll let you inside me.

MARVIN: Hey! I can't believe you
cared more about winning a bet

to hurt me than telling me
Dad was losing it.

JUNIOR: I was trying to win the bet
to save you from finding out.

MARVIN: And were you saving
me when you ruined my life

- and ran away with Dad?
- JUNIOR: Fine.

Look, I was happy he took me
with him,

but it hasn't been as great
as you think.

I mean, did we have incredible
adventures? Sure.

Have we dabbled in every sexual
experience,

including a devil's four-way
with dad,

a Waffle House waitress,
and her mid-size SUV? You bet.

Did it traumatize me?
Ask my therapist.

Do I have a therapist?

No. Because my car insurance
doesn't cover mental health.

MARVIN: I guess it wasn't
so great being you either, huh?

You're too close to Dad
and I'm not close enough.

JUNIOR: It's been hard
since Dad's health turned south,

but I didn't want you to see that.

I wanted you to remember him
the way he was.

MARVIN: So you were
trying to protect me?

JUNIOR: Isn't that what big brothers do?

[Squeak]

MARVIN: Thank you. Also, might
be time to change your blades.

JUNIOR: Thanks. So where is he?

- MARVIN: I left Dad at home.
- JUNIOR: Alone?!

Y... you saw how he wanders.

Oh...
[Horn honks]

According to my tracking map,

he's on the field at
the monster truck event.

We gotta save Dad!

MARVIN: You're too drunk.
I'll drive.

['80s-style synthesizer music playing]

I've always dreamed of getting
to drive...

Oh, my God!
This seat is also a bedpan?

- How often do you empty this?
- JUNIOR: Just drive.

[Tires screech, horns honk]

KANG: Well, I guess we're as bad
at parenting as Flute.

WYNONA: We can't be that bad.

The kid feels calm enough
to sleep around us.

MARTINEZ: Aw. Cute kid.
Wonder what he's dreaming about.

Dreaming? Wake him up
before it happens again.

KANG: I'd say shake him,
but the last 20 years

are the first time in human history

where you can't touch a kid,
no matter how rotten they are.

HARMONY: What the hell
are you doing to Stan?

Oh, great. Now I gotta
wash these, too?

I already washed his pajamas

after he slept on
that yogurt tube last night.

- MARTINEZ: Yogurt tube?
- Yeah, he lost his last tooth,

so I put a Go-Gurt under his pillow

because I had blown
the last of my cash on a horse

that was supposed to
be a sure thing but turned out

to be a kiddie ride
in front of a supermarket.

I'm not a perfect mother.

[Door shuts]

KANG: Perhaps we're not
as bad as we thought.

Maybe parenting is just hard.

SUMMERS: Not as hard
as the stepmoms are making it.

That's not how homework works!

[Rock music]

MARVIN: Dad!

ANNOUNCER: And that'll do it for
our monster truck show tonight.

MARVIN: Oh, thank goodness.

ANNOUNCER: Which means it's
time for Biggosaurus,

and he's hungry for some junky cars.

[Cheering]

MITCHELL: Vroom. Vroom.
Meep-meep.

[Cheering]

Vroom. Rrr!

♪

MARVIN: Time for turbo boost.
[Beep]

Oops.

♪

JUNIOR: It's too dangerous.
Jump out.

- MARVIN: No! We're a team.
- No, we're a family.

[Beeping]

MARVIN: No!

♪

JUNIOR: Oh, you can't hurt me.

I've seen my dad's an*s.

♪

[Cheering]

MARVIN: Brother!

[Cheering continues]

But we were just getting to know
each other.

I had so many questions.

Like, do you get horny
for other cars?

And, well, that was it,

but I'm sure there would have
been more.

JUNIOR: Just take care of Dad,
and I'm actually...

into trains.

MARVIN: No, Junior.
Please don't...

[Engine revving]

...die.

Thanks for fixing Junior, Tisha.
Happy birthday.

MITCHELL: I know this
is a rare moment of lucidity,

so I'm going to say it quick
before it's gone.

I'm proud of you.
You're a good man...

with a great rack.

- JUNIOR: I feel good as new.
- MARVIN: Well, not quite.

['80s-style synthesizer music playing]

♪

[Engine revving]

♪

MARVIN: My dad is such a hunk.

Ugh.
I guess that does sound weird.

JUNIOR: Mitchell Flute,

a lone crusader
in a dangerous world

that has totally passed him by.

He and his car... mostly his car...

fight crime, help the helpless,

and no longer have sex
in front of each other

because they've set up
healthy boundaries.

So if you seek justice
and you can find him

and it's within daylight hours

and there's not
lots of memorizing involved,

you, too, can hire...

- MITCHELL: Should we pull over and...?
- JUNIOR: No.

Mitchell Flute.

♪