01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

Free Da Heat.

I'm actually an artist.

Oh, my God, I'm an artist, too.

I can see that in you.

She needs 24-hour, round-the-clock

care from a professional.

You pee in the shower, don't you?

I do pee in the shower.

I'm peeing right now.

You, Jane and Levi are like

this impenetrable trio

and it always leaves me

in this really weird place.

Sam was my brother.

The one who

Yeah. Aneurysm just

Pwwwwh!

Chicken, sure! Put the f*cking

skewer down! Put the skewer down.

All right, all right, all right!

You can afford to let go of me

a little bit.

I will be fine, I won't die.

I called you and, what,

your wife answers the phone?

Well

Tonight, OK? I promise you'll get

to at least third base, lights on.

I don't understand the base system,

but that is VERY exciting!

It terrifies me that you don't

know that there are three holes.

QUIETLY: I know there

are three holes.

Then why are you waving

that thing around

like a f*cking virgin on prom night?

Because I don't want to hurt her,

obviously. OK, just

There you go. Ah! Ooh!

WATER TRICKLING

Have you been drinking?

I had a night-cap.

It's 7am. All right, Big Ben!

TAPPING

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't shake it

like it's a tiny plastic d*ck!

HE EXHALES

Skol!

Leevo. Big Leevs.

Leave it out Hi, Daniel.

How you doing, mate?

Oh, yeah, I am smashing it.

Right. Not like

Oh! Hi. Imo, have you met Levi?

Hi. He's my oldest friend.

Family friend.

It's a nice spot, isn't it?

Tonnes of heavy machinery.

Do you guys live nearby?

Oh! God, no.

No. No, no, no.

So, we saw this place on Time Out

and we just kind of fancied

a little bit of edge

for our engagement party.

Sure. Yeah, I mean, they only have

Prosecco,

which isfun.

Oh, God. Mm. Have you guys

got security

just in case any of the locals

try and get in?

So, cooking, huh?

Always knew you'd do something

different.

What's on the menu, Chef?

A risotto. Ooh! Ooh!

In Milano, they say

it should flow like lava.

Famously hard to get right.

Ah-ah, you know, it's hardly

investment banking.

Asset management. Same thing.

Ooh! It's not.

I know! I know!

Argh! It's not.

Hey, listen, erm,

don't be shy about invoicing, OK?

Dad told me about your rough patch.

Mm. Anything we can do to help.

Thank youmate.

Please, don't be embarrassed.

I know lots of people

with mental health.

Right. OK. Er, catch you in a bit.

MUTTERS: f*ck off.

Charger? Check.

Catheters? Yep.

Frittata.

Oh, it's in the hamper.

No sh*t stuff?

Nope. Don't need it. OK.

Did you find my red lingerie set?

Erno.

Ah, Jo!

Deep-clean it and give it back.

Abe got me that as a gift.

So, a night away, just you and Abe.

You sure you're feeling

OK about it? Yeah.

Like, I'm really looking forward

to some one-on-one time,

even if that means he gets really

acquainted with my urethra. Fair.

Plus, I think it's a good thing that

he's not here for Levi's first gig.

Time for Daddy to cut

the umbilical cord.

What about you? Just happy to help?

What with the truck?

Abe asked me to.

Since when did you ever

listen to Abe?

I also find the idea of spending

time alone with Levi terrifying.

He's not THAT bad!

What? I thought you'd be pissed

if I said no.

Plus, I'm trying to make

more of an active effort with Abe.

OhmyGod.

What?

You're f*cking Levi.

SHE LAUGHS

Just kidding! Ha-ha.

Your face!

I mean, that would be so gross.

Can you imagine?

I mean, that would be like the

worst thing that you could ever do.

Don't you have some disgusting

f*ck-a-thon to be getting to?

Listen to you,

you sound just like a real chef!

Now, look, today,

this a warm-up, OK?

You get today right, you could have

months of bookings lined up!

Stop pacing,

I can literally hear you pacing.

Abe! It's time to go!

OK.

Don't get hot-headed. All right?

Look, definitely

don't call anyone a c**t.

This gig was my idea!

I'm excited!

You know, I've never been away alone

with a partner before.

Really?

Yeah, I just never wanted

someone I was with

to feel like they needed to help me

pee or do my care and, besides,

I want to ensure that you fancy me

for the rest of your life.

FAINT MURMURING

You never have to worry about that.

But I'm honoured, that means a lot.

It's definitely her.

Gawkers to the right.

You want me to say something?

No. It's just classic.

Like, they've never seen a

wheelchair-user in the wild before.

It's just ignorant ableist bullshit.

FAINT LAUGHTER

MUTTERING CONTINUES

Oh, oh!

Hey, guys. What's that about?

I mean, why are you

staring at a wheelchair user?

Not very cool.

We didn't do that.

It's his f*cking daughter's eating

sh*t in a hot sauce ad.

Ah! So, ah, you're the new girl.

Well, I should warn you,

the boss is very handsy

and there's no HR, so

OK, I'm literally just stopping by,

your dad asked me to check in, so

You good? What, you don't want to be

sous-chef?

Can I just see that you're good

and just go? Yeah, I mean, now

OK, cos this is a bad idea.

OK? It was selfish and shitty

and I am a good friend, OK?

And good friends don't sleep

with their friend's new stepsons.

I going to get that on a T-shirt.

Right. Off you f*ck, then.

HE SNIFFS

Wait, you're cooking risotto?

Yes. I'm cooking a RISOTTO.

Are you high?

It's impossible to batch-cook.

OK. Thanks.

I mean, are we done here?

Because I've actually got this

completely under control.

Are you sure? Cos you don't seem

like you're Yeah.

I actually have. OK, fine. Bye!

Oh, sh*t! sh*t! sh*t, sh*t, sh*t

f*ck! Oh, my God!

Sorry. Sorry.

That's OK. Fine. I will help you

cos you need it,

but we are just colleagues OK?

These bozos won't know

it's been on the floor.

No sign of ramp guy.

What does ramp guy

actually look like?

Like a guy, but with a ramp.

Makes sense. Yeah.

Hey, surprise. Hmm?

I got us a little pregame

in the bag.

This guy? Yeah! Pop her open.

Now? Why not? OK.

We have We have time?

I mean, is it

Is it safe?

Are we going to be, er,

dealing with it in ten, 15 minutes?

I mean, maybe, but I want a drink.

OK. Boom! Well, then,

a drink you shall have.

Glasses are in the hamper.

Glasses are in the Ah.

Abe! I'm sorry. Sorry.

A lot on my mind this morning.

Seriously?! I'm sorry!

I didn't forget it on purpose,

obviously.

Why don't I get you

something from the kiosk?

Only cos you're cute.

Do you think THEY think

it's a good party?

JO AS IMO: I know you said this

place is industrial chic, Daniel,

but we look like we're in

a bloody sweat-shop!

LEVI AS DANIEL: No, no, no, no.

The man on the phone assured me

this had never been used

as an actual factory

and I'm kindly choosing

to believe him, despite his accent.

Et voila.

Aww!

They only had, er, prawn c*ck,

so that's all you're Aww!

I love it. I will find ramp guy,

if it's the last thing I do.

Please don't let it be

the last thing you do. Wish me luck.

Good luck, sir.

LEVI AS DANIEL:

Darling, I would never, ever

let you step foot inside

a place of labour.

JO AS IMO: Oh, my God, Daniel,

I love you so much!

I can't wait to get married to you.

Oh, same.

I can finally get my d*ck wet.

What does that mean?

THEY LAUGH

You'll find out.

Oh, my God!

JO GIGGLES

Clink! Yay!

Oh.

Can't believe you went to school

with these assholes.

Yeah, and it's a miracle

that I'm so well adjusted, actually.

Well Yeah.

What does this place even look like?

I don't know, a cottage.

Found it on Unseen Hideaways.

No images, but 50% off. Oh, OK.

Hey, I had that dream again.

Naked 5K? Yep.

Right there, enjoying my run,

suddenly everyone's

looking at me weird.

Cos your bits

are swinging in the wind.

Yeah. No, that's the point,

nothing's swinging.

Cos it's cold in my dream. Oh!

SHE LAUGHS

No, don't laugh.

I had it twice last week.

You're just stressed, it's why

we need a holiday. Yeah, well

What if this place is like some

inaccessible sh*thole, though. Or

Jesus Christ.

It could also look like that.

PAN SIZZLES

Mm! Hard.

Just trust the process, OK?

A few people are getting hungry.

Is that chicken even cooked through?

You sound un-confident.

Er, cautious.

Boring.

Realistic.

Horny?

Hi. You're not serving, are you?

I've had so many olives, I think

the bar's put me on the watch list.

Ah, I'm afraid not.

And if I'm honest,

I wouldn't get my hopes up.

Jo, can you not tell customers to

Oh, my.

Levi. Erm, I'll just

Hi Mae. Oh, my God!

How are you? Sorry. Yeah, good.

Just really sweating, sorry.

That's OK.

I, erm You're

Yeah. Huge. Yeah.

Mainly bar snacks.

I mean, and a baby?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

Wow. Erm, congratulations.

Thank you. I'm due next month.

It's mad.

f*ck! Yeah.

You guys go to school together?

Um Yeah.

We, we knew each other way back.

Can you tie me up?

Mymy hands are wet?

Yeah, sure.

Anyway, it was good to see you,

Levi. Just

Poke me when food's ready.

Yeah, sure.

THEY CHUCKLE

Tell me again how you found

this place. I have no idea.

Most places for disabled people

are all like,

"My grandma who was an invalid

died, want to come stay?"

But this is unreal!

Ooh! Oh, God, I'm going to check out

the bedrooms. Yeah.

Check out this bad boy.

Oh, my God, the shower is huge!

Ooh, we're definitely

having sex in there.

Where are you?

I'm just setting up the Wi-Fi.

Do you have to do that immediately?

Yeah. I just want to check in

on Levi.

Not a problem, is it?

Well, I mean, I just organised this

so we could be alone.

No Jo. No Levi.

I know, I know.

I know. I want that, too.

I justcan't switch off the fact

I have a son.

Well, obviously,

I'm not asking for that. I just

It's the first time we've been

away aloneever.

Sorry.

He's cooked risotto 1,000 times.

It'll be fine.

Yeah, you might be right.

Hey. OK, I am right. OK.

Shall I make us a pre-sex

cheeseboard? f*ck, yeah.

f*ck.

Is it flowing like lava?

Shut up!

There you go.

Dude, they're ordering in,

can't you just serve it as is?

Can't you justskim off the,

like, burnt bits and the raw bits?

Yeah, I can bring this back.

II can.

Levo?

Yes! Hey! Hi!

Getting a bit peckish, mate.

Any ETA on the riz?

Let's just call it,

like, five minutes, OK?

You did say that half an hour ago.

Yes, well, why don't you go

and talk to an oil baron

and it'll be ready when it's ready,

all right?! Yes, Chef!

Levo,

would you be super offended

if I went off and joined them

for a slice of pizza?

What? Dude, can you stop staring

at your ex-girlfriend for, like,

five seconds and focus?!

Just What is wrong with you?!

f*ck this!

Is it bad I judge people

who are allergic to cheese?

I mean, I know it's not

technically their fault

No, no, I think it is.

This is so nice.

Yeah. I did have a little

bit of a wobble

Well, a, erm

When Jo was showing me

your care before,

I did, just for a minute,

kind of hope

that you might want to stay home.

Just with Levi

and the old intrusive thoughts.

Thinking about how

I might accidentally k*ll you.

But But now we're here - love it.

Love it!

I can see why we needed it, too,

you know.

Just the two of us.

But the The easier part

was about my care?

No, II You know what I mean.

Not really. I think

you're focusing on the wrong part.

I think I'm focusing on the part

where this felt like

an inconvenience.

That's ridiculous.

What, you think I want you

to do my care?

When we were at the train station

and you said

we'd be dealing with that champagne

later, so don't drink it,

that that didn't suck?

Dealing with it is the bare minimum.

Yeah, but I didn't say

not to drink it. Yes, you did.

You literally said,

"We'll be dealing with that

in 15 minutes,

"so don't f*cking drink!"

Where are you getting

your quotes from?

I didn't sa

I think you're wildly embellishing.

I didn't say that

and if I can just speak for myself

and not just have your side

of the story.

You are so patronising.

Just cos I'm a little older than

you, doesn't mean everything

I say is patronising!

You're doing it again!

But you just

You overuse the word.

Freya, we took the whole journey

with no problems.

And now you want to ruin it

with wilful misinterpretation

and pernicious simplification?

Come on! Oh, go f*ck a thesaurus!

Honestly, you argue like you have

a f*cking word count on!

Did it impress Jane?

Cos it does nothing for me.

I am bone f*cking dry.

Wow.

Well, you can f*ck right off.

You f*ck off!

OK.

All right.

Shall we take a little time out?

I think you're clearly worked up.

What?!

MUFFLED MUSIC BLASTS

Dad's going to be so pissed.

Just blame it on me.

He'll find a way to do it anyway.

She isn't my ex.

Mae.

She was Sam's.

They were, like,

childhood sweethearts,

they went out for a year,

right up until he died,

but, of course, back then,

that felt like forever.

And I know I'm going to sound

like a really selfish prick

for saying this, but I couldn't

believe how happy she was.

Like, how moved on.

And pregnant. I mean, Christ!

That sl*t.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I think the weirdest thing for me

is that nothing stopped that year.

Sam died, but everybody else

just carried on, moving forward.

Except us.

You know, when he died,

Mum made us risotto every night.

She said that the stirring

sort of busied her hands

and kept her mind off,

you know, the grief.

It was the first thing

I ever learned to cook.

And you still can't make it.

THEY LAUGH

No.

Do you know what I was doing

before I came here?

Nothing.

I was just waiting to leave,

like I always do.

When I was a kid, I was kind of

hot potatoed between aunts

and grandparents and strangers.

It's like a carousel

of stopping and starting.

New place, new school, new bed.

I mean, I know people are like,

"Oh, it's Jo! She's so much fun,

she's wild."

But, really, it's just hard work,

a lot of leaving people,

leaving places,

and starting all over again,

and it's just

..really, really f*cking lonely.

Well, I like you being here.

Works for now.

I'll take for now.

Hey!

f*ck the van. Let's have fun.

What?

Yeah.

Wait, are you sure?

You don't have to.

No, no, no, no. f*ck it.

Ah! Mm! Come on. Let's go. f*ck it.

AS IMO: Oh, my God, yay!

I'm the as*h*le?!

I'm the as*h*le for pointing out

you have an unhealthy obsession

with your son?!

Abe, honestly, he needs some space!

Just He's f*cking

screaming for it! All right.

You want to talk about

unhealthy relationships?

f*cking hell, of course. Yeah.

Scapegoat's arrived! Abe's

projecting his insecurities again.

So, what? First it's Ty,

now it's Jo. How convenient!

Stop using your best friend

as a buffer between us!

Like a bird. Oh.

No! You have to suck! Oh!

You're not actively sucking!

OK, OK! Do it over.

No!

LEVI COUGHS

I'm sorry, my mum's just

teaching me how to smoke. Hi.

I told you you had mummy issues.

Yeah, well, you know,

I really love a woman who leaves.

Shut the f*ck up!

You're obsessed with me.

You're obsessed with me.

You're obsessed with me.

You know what your problem is?

What What is my problem?

You're wearing it!

You know why?

Cos you dress like a liberal,

but you act like a conservative

and that's the worst type.

Could be worse though, couldn't it?

I mean, I could be a hot sauce model

pretending to be an artist!

At least I'm not afraid

of my own b*ll s*ck.

Yeah,

even your anxiety dreams are basic.

CLATTERING

Careful,

there's loads of sharp objects.

Listen, I know you think

it's really cool and modern

and whatever to come and tell me

every time you've been

actively flirting with someone,

but guess what?

I f*cking hated that!

I'm sorryfor

OPENLY COMMUNICATING!

JO LAUGHS, LEVI PANTS

Oh, f*ck!

You know what that is?

Yeah. Oh, I know what that is,

but that's not what

you were doing, is it?

You came and you told that

because it makes you feel powerful.

SHE GROANS

Am I right, am I right?

This time you're actually wrong.

No, I think I'm.

JO MOANS

OK, OK!

BREATHLESSLY: Stop, stop, stop!

I'm sorry.

SOFT SMASHING, CLATTERING

I could do the same thing,

by the way.

You know? Guess what?

I flirt all the time.

For example, the girl

at the Starbucks where I work,

she puts little hearts in my coffee

every time I go in there.

Do I come running back to you

and openly communicate that fact?

No, I don't.

A heart? Really? Maybe you two

are meant to be together.

Sh!

THEY LAUGH

f*cking

LAUGHS: I'm sorry.

f*ck you, this is your

f*cking fault. Oh!

Yeah. You knew from the minute

we met that I had PAs

and if you could just get over

Jo being around

Oh, yeah. ..it might be easier

for all of us.

Yeah, I'll just get over Jo.

It's I'll just

I'll take that, shall I?

THEY MOAN

No, not yet, not yet, not yet!

Oh, I think it's

bloody reasonable about Jo.

I mean, II can give you

unrelaxed, if you want.

THEY MOAN

Un-relaxed might be, um,

maybe she doesn't have to join us

for all three meals of the day.

How's that? Is that unrelaxed?

Unrelaxed would be, uh

..would be voicing the fact that

you seem biased towards anything

she has to say at any given moment.

Oh, f*ck! Oh! I'm

Relaxed Abe, be

Abe, be quiet.

No, I don't want to be quiet,

I'm on a roll! Hear me out.

Unrelaxed would be simply

acknowledging the fact

that she f*cking hates me, has done

since the beginning and I

I don't think I'm

FREYA GROANS

Hey, whoa! Are you OK?

Are you cramping?

Is it a spasm?

SHE GROANS

Freya?

I think I think I'm sh1tting.

I think I'm sh1tting myself.

What?

I'm sh1tting myself.

Um, don't look. Huh?

It's happening. OK.

I'm go I'm We

I'm going to I'll call Jo.

Oh, f*ck Jo! OK. Yeah.

Erm, listen. No. It's OK, I'll

This is so embarrassing!

No, no, no, no, no.

It's not embarrassing.

No, I mean, it was

Listen, darling, it's not. Listen

Obviously the train station

sandwich

Just It's OK, though.

Get away! OK. OK.

It's It's only

Don't even look at me! Turn around!

What? Yeah. All right.

It's mortifying! OK.

Sitting in sh*t,

arguing with my boyfriend.

Er

OK.

All right.

What are you doing?

I'm, er

I'm going to go for a quick run.

What? Yeah.

Just going to go for a run.

UNZIPPING

Naked 5K?

Naked 5K. Well, naked half K,

looking at that.

In fact, if you do an embarrassment,

I'm doing it with you.

SHE CHUCKLES

No. Come on. Oh.

Come on, give me some of that.

All right. Time me. OK? Here we go!

On your marks, get set,

here we go! Go!

Can you pass me my underwear?

Mm?

QUIETLY: Ahh!

You don't ever have to be

embarrassed in front of me, OK?

That never needs to happen.

Now, we're going to go

in that shower

and then we're going to go to bed

with a nice glass of wine each.

And we're going to forget how awful

we were to each other earlier.

OK? Hm-mm. OK.

I am still sitting in my sh*t.

♪ Electric vacation

♪ Electric vacation

♪ Electric vacation

♪ Electric vacation

♪ Electric vacation. ♪

ELECTIRCITY ZINGS

LIGHT GROAN