01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains adult humour,

scenes of a sexual nature from the

start and very strong language

SIGHING AND KISSING

Oh, dear!

Oh, Ty, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, God! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

Whoa, whoa!

CLATTER

BUZZING

Right, erm

Uh, maybe knock next time?

Absolutely, yes, yes.

Sorry. I will, yeah.

Do you want me back inseven mins?

12?

Sorry, it's just I know some people

can go and go and go.

BUZZING CONTINUES

I think just pop it on the side.

Yeah.

BUZZING REVERBERATES

Oh, sorry. I'll call you later.

Yep! Just keep me in the loop!

Ah!

SHE LAUGHS

I just want to

God, you are everywhere! Ohh!

Thank you.

I do try to make myself

both visible and invisible.

Yeah. Definitely visible.

Hey.

I just want you to know I think

what you're doing for Freya

is amazing.

The whole father-figure thing.

It's so heart-warming.

I mean, if I were a middle-aged,

greying, bankruptcy lawyer,

and a hot, young Canadian artist

moved in,

I'd be beside myself

with insecurity.

But not you! And do you know why?

Because you're

one of the good ones, Abe.

Thank you, Ty.

Thank you.

Here, I'll leave you to it.

Oh! Let's try that.

A whole year long distance?

I mean, I struggle with my wax lady

being 40 minutes away.

But, I mean, look at you now! Hey?

Miracles.

They happen, people!

Ty, I want to talk to you

about last night.

Oh

It was so cute to see you

both enjoying each other's bodies.

Honestly. I mean, I always wondered

whether it worked

with you down there.

Oh, it It works. Yeah, Ty,

I don't really think that's.

CASE CLATTERS

SHE GASPS

Can you actually feel everything?

Everything.

And orgasm too, so

Wow.

And can Abe feel it too?

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it!

You know, I once orgasmed in three

seconds on just salt alone.

I know, I know.

Abe, hey! Surprise!

You're looking good, man.

Hello, Jo.

What you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm early but, you

know, I thought I could go home

or, you know,

just come straight here.

Or go home.

The party's not for ten hours.

Yeah, but what's, like, ten hours

between friends? I mean, right?

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

About ten hours.

Jo? Freya?

Hello!

Freya?

Argh! Oh, my God, Jo!

My God, it's so f*cking good

to see you. What?!

Congrats on, um,

all your newlife decisions.

Oh, thanks.

I didn't know you were coming!

Hi. I'm Ty.

Freya's personal care assistant.

And friend. Hey, Ty.

Oh! House-warming!

Ah! Sorry, the Eurostar didn't

have any big ones.

Wow, thank you.

So, how long are you

sticking around for? Ugh, dude.

I am literally homeless right now.

I had to get the f*ck out of Lille.

Oh, we'd love to have you stay,

right?

Absolutely.

Stop. You're judging.

She's my best friend.

Ex-best friend, I thought.

Been nearly a year, hasn't it?

Freya, I'm laying out

some dresses for your interview.

Is it insane if we co-ordinate?

WHISPERS: Oh, my God, she's

going to make me commit a crime.

I had a nightmare I was trapped in

an escape room with her last week.

Just her.

TY SINGS

What would her notice period be?

You just want her fired because

she saw your b*ll s*ck last night?

No, I

I want to fire her because of

Her personality? Yeah!

Well, no.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I come with such

a highly irritating plus one.

I'm just happy you're here.

I don't care who you come with.

And I know that my art stuff

is quite, um Big?

Distinctive.

as*h*le.

Go kick arse at your interview.

I don't want to go.

Don't do it, then. You don't

need to do it.

I don't want to be a kept woman.

God, I love love.

Can I just?

I wondered where these might look

better on someone standing.

So, what's this meeting?

Uh, it's no big deal.

Oh Our Freya was scouted

as a model.

OK, that makes it sound impressive.

I just, you know, hash-tagged

wheelchair on Instagram,

and this diversity agency

slipped into my DMs. Mmm.

Do you think it's going to

be like America's Next Top Model?

God, this job!

Wipes.

TY SINGS

Wow! She's, like, dolphin frequency

annoying. Yeah.

you should have seen the people

that I didn't hire.

I mean, at least she's

Extra wipes.

..efficient.

So moodelling? Hmm.

Doesn't that kind of, like,

compromise your artistic integrity?

Yeah, obviously,

but I have to do it.

I really need the money.

Plus, disability's having a moment.

Hey, you were disabled

way before it was cool.

I know, right?

I've been doing this for years.

Tell me where you've been?

Look, it's been 11 months.

It's so long my t*ts

have grown a cup size.

I've been busy!

With what? Hey, did you make

this catheter chandelier?!

Yeah.

SHE PLAYS A FANFARE

I pissed out of those. Oh!

Right.

Honest to God,

do you think it's presumptuous if

I packed some headshots of my own?

Knock yourself out.

I'm going to need two minutes.

DOORBELL RINGS

It's fine. We've got,

like, 20 minutes. Vroom-vroom.

To make, like, a 55-minute journey?

Beep-beep.

Ty, can you not make the sounds,

please?

PHONE CHIMES

Excuse me, sir, wheelchair waiting.

PHONE CHIMES

Crikey. Hey! Hey, what the f*ck!

Excuse me. What's up your arse?

Pickle. What's that even mean?

OK, so

So you're cleaning my house? No, no.

You only do that when you're

nervous. No. What is it? What?

No, it's done. It's done. Stop.

Done.

So, what? What? It's nothing.

It's nothing.

Well, it's a couple of things. Um

One, um, I'm throwing Freya

a little welcome-to-London party,

and, erm

Yeah, I think I'd like you to come.

Are you sure that's wise?

Which bit?

Oh, God.

The innocence.

OK. And two?

Two is, um

..I would like a divorce.

Please.

So I guess, for me, it's

like disability is just a subject

worth exploring, right,

because it's kind of like

I mean, we all have needs, right,

and requirements,

so I guess through modelling, that's

kind of what I'd want to do

is like highlight that in more

of a kind of like,

my body may be different to you,

but, like, there's no difference,

right?

You know what I mean? Like, there's

nuance.

Sorry, I was completely

out of it there.

Yeah, I'll be honest.

I was just staring at your jawline.

So have you modelled much before?

Oh, just some life drawing stuff

in Canada. Oh!

Comfortable with nudity? OK. Tick.

If I may Yes. I think what Olivia

and I are most excited about

Sorry, wait a second, I thought

Aren't you Olivia?

BOTH: We're both Olivia.

..is your raw talent.

Yeah, I don't really know

if I'm a model, so Um

OK, can I just stop you there?

You're the most f*cking stunning

woman I've ever seen in my life. Mm.

Yeah. And in terms of sell-ability,

right now,

I mean as a proud

white disabled woman

I'm not, er, white.

Who is?

Yeah, well, I mean, I guess

I am a bit,

but, like, also part Guyanese,

part Chinese.

Oh! An angel rolled in from heaven.

So it's going well, then? Mm-hm.

It's going really well. Yes.

Yeah. It's complicated but

Well, I mean, I'd imagine it'd be

complicated. Yeah.

She's not. I mean, she's not

She's not complicated,

but it's the wholethe whole,

you know, 24-hour PA thing and

What do you mean PA? Carer?

Er, yes.

You don't do a single thing for her?

You LAZY f*ck!

Easy now. No, I would, but she needs

24-hour round-the-clock care

from a professional.

That's just how it is.

Right. Hmm.

That must be weird.

It's an adjustment.

So, how's the sex?

The sex is the best sex I think

I've ever No! I was joking.

And also, just f*ck off!

I mean, with a bit of shaping

from us,

I'm seeing Paris, Milan, Tokyo,

Caracas.

Yes. I'd just love to see

a pay cheque!

Oh. She's funny.

Mmm. We can use that.

Yeah. Yeah.

Bottom line is, right,

brands are dying to put

someone like you in their ads. Hmm.

And I am dying to be in them.

Hey, Frey!

Do you have any cigarettes?

I'm so sorry,

her English isn't great.

Hola. Hola.

TRANSLATION:

Oh! Olivia!

OLIVIAS GIGGLE

I had a boyfriend from Granada.

So, is this all

I can do you for, then -

a quick cuppa and a slice

of divorce, or?

ANERICAN ACCENT: That's about it.

I hate it when you do that voice.

I know.

How's your knee? Feeling bendy?

You're not going to propose?

Oh!

Right

Oh. I'm on it.

sh*t, Abe.

No, I've just got the parking.

That's all. Abe. Abe

So, are you and Freya best friends?

Er, yeah.

We used to be.

Oh. What happened?

Well, you know, um, Freya's

wholewheelchairlook?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Obviously.

Um And please keep this

between us. Oh, yeah.

Mm-mm

Thank you.

When we were kids Mm-hm?

..we were really, really close.

We were, like, six or seven,

and, um, there was this bridge that

we used to play on,

and it was

It was very, very high.

And, I don't know,

one day, something just, like,

took over me

..and I justpushed.

Wow

Oh, my God.

If you want to tell someone you love

them, you don't have to propose.

You can just buy them flowers

or a bath b*mb. You all right, Dad?

Hello, boy.

How's life with declining looks

and intellect?

Have you washed your hands

since your last little wank-a-thon?

Ooh, can I remind you

this is a woman's space?

How's your mistress?

Freya's good, thank you.

Yeah, settling in nicely.

Hey! You can reduce

your carbon c*ck print

now you're not travelling

back and forth to Canada

to have intercourse

with a woman my age!

How about you and your failed

East Asian odyssey?

Indonesia? I mastered the art

of the perfect nasi goreng,

and then f*cked a conservationist.

I would like to call that

a resounding success.

Yeah, that white woman with

dreadlocks. She was really lovely.

We didn't really discuss

her heritage.

I thought you said she was Dutch.

But all in all,

it was a trip of a lifetime.

Mm-hm. Until you got sectioned.

Yeah, until I got sectioned.

You're all right now, aren't you,

darling? I'm doing fine, thanks.

I'm not the one having a mid-life

crisis, albeit a very inclusive one.

WHISPERS: He's all right?

I think so.

Ground floor. You've reached

the voicemail of Ty

Doors opening.

Oh, hey, you're here.

How did it go?

Hey! Yeah. Where's Ty?

She's not answering.

Oh, I sent her out to get

some cigarettes and paracetamol.

You can't do that.

Why not? She's a PA.

Not your PA. f*ck, I need to pee.

OK.

Relax. Relax. I'll do your cath.

What?

What? I did it once at uni.

Your hands were numb

because you were on K!

You peed! Um, excuse me, hi.

Do you have a disabled bathroom?

We do. Yes.

Um, it is still technically

being built,

but we have one on the way,

which I think is the headline.

f*ck's sake.

So, you sure you remember

how to do? Yeah.

Catheterisation is my middle name.

If you mess it up, I'm going to get

a UTI. Yeah, I know.

Um

So you're wiping there, right, yeah?

Yeah. Wipe.

There we are. Wiping.

Yeah.

OK. Do you see the urethra?

Uh, yeah, of course I do.

Ooh, there it is,

sneaky little f*ck!

OK.

Slowly! I know! Slowly.

I'm a gentle lover. I doubt that.

Ah! Ooh! It's in. See?

I told you I could do it. I'm like

the pied piper of piss.

Ooh, sh*t.

What? You've, uh No.

It's just a little

No, it's not.

You're closing your right eye.

Oh, it really stings.

Don't lick your lips. Oh,

and it's salty.

SHE SPITS

I've missed you.

Agh, yeah, who wouldn't miss this?

Jo, you're wiping piss on a model.

Shut up! They signed you?

Now you're finally

just a pretty face!

It's all I ever wanted to be.

Uh

Can you close my legs? Yes. Yeah.

For when the disabled loo's ready.

Thank you.

Jo! What you doing?

Jo? I hate being late.

I can't believe you

haven't been up here.

He could be living

under a fake identity!

I mean, I know you hate boundaries

but this is ridiculous.

Do you want me to call the police?

What? No.

She's my best friend.

WHISPERS: But she did this to you.

What?

Freya, there's a room up here full

of dolls that look just like you.

And they have big boobies.

Jo?

Yeah?

Right, listen, it's my

responsibility

to get you places on time.

No, Ty, no. We have to go!

What the f*ck? Ty, stop!

f*ck.

We need to talk.

Absolutely.

It's just It's not working out.

You and Abe?

No. Oh.

It's about Jo.

What about me?

Uh, it's probably best

it comes from Freya.

No, Ty, it's just there have been

a few instances when

..and it's not an all-the-time

thing, but I do wonder if

Maybe we just It would be better

if we maybe took a

Ty, you're fired.

And there's two weeks' notice,

so I obviously want you to come

tonight Oh.

Right, yeah, that's totally, um

That's fair. I get it.

II guess maybe since becoming

such good friends,

probably we shouldn't be

colleagues anyway.

I agree.

Great.

I agree too. Yeah.

Here she is. Oh Hi.

Didn't think you were going to

show up. I fired Ty.

What? I fired Ty. Yes!

I mean, oh, no. How did she take it?

Hi, Freya! Yeah. Well, I think.

Hey. Who are all these assholes?

Mainly Abe's friends and family.

OK, that looks like

I'm going for a wazz. Hey!

Have you found out how long Jo

is planning on staying?

This is so lovely.

Look at all of this.

I feel Aw! ..so welcome.

Oh, good. Shame you missed

the national anthem.

Oh, yeah? We sang it four times.

OK. That's kind of disgusting.

TOILET FLUSHES

Thank you.

Sorry, I prefer the ladies'.

It's a better vibe.

Clearly, mommy issues. No, actually

it's because I've got a massive c*ck

and in the urinals people stare.

So, what was it -

too much love or not enough?

Neither. Hate women

or idealise them?

Hmm Both.

Why, what about you?

Oh, that's easy. Daddy issues.

I like it hard.

OK, you got me. My mum left us

when I was ten. Hmm.

I knew it!

f*ck you, Esther Perel!

No, you didn't.

Well, at least you got a big d*ck

out of it, right?

Massive.

Who are you?

Do you really care?

Not particularly, no.

Um

Thank you.

You're welcome.

MUSIC PLAYS

Vodka martini.

Slightly dirty.

Excellent choice.

He's throwing some serious shapes.

He's throwing ALL of the shapes.

From 1998.

Is he an old friend?

Ex-husband, actually.

Oh, sh*t! Oh sh*t is right.

"Oh sh*t" could have been

our wedding vows, actually.

Cheers.

Oh, f*ck me, that is delicious.

Why aren't you dancing?

God, there are so many reasons.

Oh, stop it, you'll school 'em.

Doreen's drunk.

Yeah. I saw that. Do you want me

to? Yeah. Would you?

Yeah.

Gin and tonic, please, Jo.

Damn, we're all out.

I didn't know you worked here.

I didn't know you

invited your ex-wife.

OK, look, um,

I know you guys are very close

Oh. Your ex-wife? No, I just met

her. She's lovely, though.

Very good.

I know you don't have

much of an opinion of me.

I don't know you, Abe.

When Freya met you travelling,

I was basically pushed out

of my London trip, so

OK. Listen, listen.

I'm very happy to have you stay

for a couple of days,

but we are starting a life together,

she's settling in, and whilst she

does, the last thing she needs

Is a bat-sh*t marriage proposal

in public?

OK, I'm not going to see her

get hurt again, Jo.

Well, that makes two of us.

A couple of days.

Yeah, it's long distance.

Oh, yes.

All straight, bro? Special delivery.

I've put four shots in this one.

Um, I'm so glad you're here.

Ty is like f*cking blackout drunk,

and I have no clue about

what I'm going to do tonight.

Cool. Listen,

I really need to speak to you.

SLURRED: You look gorgeous.

You special thing. Oh-h*-h*.

Now, tell me, hand on heart,

can you get out of this thing?

Um

So, do you still carry

emergency coke? Yes!

BANG ON DOOR

BOTH: Occupied!

I bet it's f*cking Doreen.

So, go on.

Make your comments about

how I'm moving too quickly,

and how Abe's a boring old man.

Yeah, I mean, I get it,

he's ancient, so you've got to do it

whilst he's still alive. Wah-wah!

Uh All right.

f*ck. OK. I think maybe

..you know, it's moving

a little fast. Or like

..he is, at least.

What's that supposed to mean?

Uh Do you know what? Forget it,

don't worry about it.

Forget what? Go on. Tell me.

Uh

SHE SNIFFS

OK. OK.

Um, so

I think that Abe is going to

propose.

What?

Yeah. Like, maybe now.

Uh Uh, so

I'm sorry to We'll get the music

back on in just ajust a second.

And, um, I will just say a few words

if that's OK.

But I will I think I'm just going

to wait until she

..reappears.

Yeah, this is OK. Yeah.

The way I see it,

you've got two options, right?

Uh-huh. You can say yes.

Like, that's a thing, right?

Oroh! We can leave right now.

I'm serious, listen to me.

We can leave right now,

we can hit up Provence.

I have access to an insane

lake house. I mean, I'm

I'm f*cking the guy I've

always wanted

in the house I've always wanted

in the m*therf*cking city

I have always wanted!

Amen. This is This is great.

This is GREAT! f*cking great.

You know, the louder you say it,

the more I believe you.

What the f*ck?

We just moved in together.

It's so soon.

I love him, but, like, in public?

A little bit awkward

but that's OK.

Let's just talk amongst yourselves,

I guess, till we're

Is she there? She's not even

Why are you here, anyway!

I'm here for you, obviously!

No, you're lying!

I haven't seen you for a year,

and you turn up to my place

looking like f*cking roadkill.

Hey! Don't turn on me.

I mean not now. You look great now.

Yeah, OK.

You want me to help you or not? Huh?

Yeah.

Do you want me to buy you some time?

Freya!

FIRE ALARM BLARES

There you are. Hey, are you OK?

Yeah. Where did you go?

I was about to do my big speech.

I just had to pee.

Yes. Really? At that very moment?

Yeah, that's generally how it works,

Dad.

Oh, uh, Levi, Jo.

Jo, Levi. Levi is Abe's son.

Hello.

Hi.

Your coat, madam. Oh.

You just

You could have just been nice to me.

Which way's north?

OK, um

How long before we can get

a replacement?

Dude, no.

No!

Dude, no.

You've got You've got other

things you need to be

..moving on for, right?

WHISPERS: I need you.

Fine. I'll do it.

I guess we have someone.