04x09 - Telephone

[bunniefuu]

[phone rings]

- Hey.
- Oh, sh*t. You're asleep.

Mmm. [chuckles]

You still haven't quite figured
out the time difference yet, huh?

Sorry, I just...
[inhales deeply]

I'm so excited to show you.

[breathes deeply] It's here.

- Whoa, whoa, what... what, the baby?
- What? No, no, no, no, no.

The ba... The baby's still right
here in my body as per usual.

No, no, no, I-I'm talking
about the art piece.

Oh, my God. Okay.

Well, now I'm awake so you
might as well show it to me.

Okay.

Ta-da.

Oh, wow.

God, that is so beautiful.

Yeah. Isn't it?

It's light and airy,

a-and it fits together perfectly

just like how it feels
when we're together.

Aw, well, I am blushing.

I know it's a little too
dark to tell, but I am.

I wish you could see what
I'm working on over here.

You know, it's funny that you should,
um... that you should say that

because I've been thinking
that maybe I should...

or I-I cou... I could...

[stammers] Temporarily...

Yes. Yes. Yes, please.
Please come here.

- Really?
- Yes.

I was going to ask you,

but I just felt like I couldn't ask
you to come all the way out here

to hang out in my
tiny studio apartment.

Are you kidding? I'm, like,
a million months pregnant.

There is no such thing as
too close to the toilet.

[chuckles] Well, I miss you too.

[chuckles] Uh,
but what about MQ?

Um... [clicks tongue]
...we are on a break.

Then hell yeah, you
just... just come here.

[chuckles] Um, but...

[stammers] but I...

[stammers] I do wanna know is...

is this... is this
gonna be like a...

like a visit or...

- [stammers] How do you wanna...
- Um.

You know, I ha... I-I hadn't
thought that far ahead.

I-I kind of thought we could
figure it out as we go.

Sure. Sure.

That's really all we can do
with anything, right? [chuckles]

Yeah, just take our time.

- Maybe turn into a diamond.
- [chuckles]

Well, if you buy the flights,
I will buy the stroopwafels.

Deal.

All right, you better
get some sleep.

- Good night, Storm.
- Good morning, Poppy.

[breathes deeply]

Okay. Let's get... Let's get
a round of applause, guys.

- Monday morning, huh? Come on.
- [employee] Oh, okay.

Come on. Here we are. Big
meeting. Big meeting. Big meeting.

Do you feel it? Do you
feel the excitement?

Good. Good.

First off, I wanna address some
rumors, uh, and rumblings about, um,

the lack of faith in my leadership and
some insinuations that I'm a "lame duck."

Anyone here heard that?

Anyone here started
those rumors?

Possible. I don't know.
Either way, they're not true.

Uh, let me assure you right now that
I have the complete trust of Montreal.

You're looking at a
healthy duck, right?

Strong duck.

And what may have
seemed like a...

a challenging moment
on a national stage...

Oh, are you talking about how you
totally biffed it in front of Congress?

Yes, Anthony, that was
what I was referring to.

But, uh... But it was
actually a tactical triumph

because, uh, even though we
did lose the venture capital

from our foreign friends,

uh, what is one country's PR disaster
is another's investment opportunity.

So, I am thrilled to announce that we
have secured a large infusion of cash

from another country's
sovereign wealth fund.

[chuckles] We got some money.

- We did it.
- Which country, David?

- It doesn't matter.
- That evil, huh?

[David] It's not evil, okay?

And it's not evil for a country to
profit off its own natural resources.

Are the natural
resources people?

Let's not get mired
in the details.

Guys, the point is, let's
wipe the slate clean

'cause we are flush with cash.

I mean... [chuckles] ...it is...
it's like COVID days again, right?

♪ COVID days are here again ♪

♪ The skies are
gonna clear again ♪

♪ A-COVID days are here again ♪

[chuckles]

You're singing about COVID?

[stammers] Hundreds
of people died.

No, millions.

Millions?

Yes, sorry about that.

Apologies. I'm not
making fun of COVID.

Just used to having meetings with
people I have a rapport with.

Where is anyone I know?

Ian? Poppy? Any of the other
ones? They should all be here.

- [cell phone rings]
- Oh...

uh, I gotta take this.

Um, just, uh, hang
tight. Be right back.

[phone chiming]

All right.

Wow, you're blowing
up. Who's texting you?

Oh... [stammers]...
doctor. [chuckles]

- Is everything okay?
- Yep.

Hey, where the hell are you?

I'm in the middle of a massive
negotiation and I need your help.

Oh, okay.

Does this have implications
for Mythic Quest?

It very well could.

Now, I need you to go to my
office and open the vault.

- You have a vault?
- Of course I do, David.

Every man has the right to
safeguard his prized possessions,

legacy documents and
priceless valuables.

Is this where you
keep your lifts?

No, it's where I
keep your ba*ls.

Hey, don't insult me if you're
asking me to do you a favor.

All right. Where is this thing?

Yeah. Back corner to the
left, against the wall.

I'll unlock it remotely.

[vault lock beeps, clicks]

Wow.

Didn't this used
to be a fire exit?

[Ian] Point the camera
at the sneakers.

Yeah. See, right there, Steph.

MJ wore these in game
three of the playoffs.

The bet is on.

I'm gonna win
Steph Curry's ring.

You're spotting me three
strokes though, right?

Right, Steph?

This is the major deal
you're talking about?

Come on, man. I need
you back at the office.

You know, we're trying to
come up with plans over here.

Uh, right. I forgot to
give you the heads-up.

David, I'm taking
a leave of absence.

What? Why?

Well, because
Poppy's taking one.

- Wait, Poppy's taking one? Since when?
- Don't yell at me, David.

She started it. Go yell at her.

I can't yell at her, Ian,
because she's not here,

- much like you.
- Not my problem.

I turned off the Poppy switch

and then, when she's back, I'll
flip it back on. But until then,

I'm going to play the
ten best golf courses

with the ten best athletes.

It's important to have a plan.

Yes, I know it's important to
have a plan, Ian. That's why...

[sighs] Just please
don't bone me here, man.

Hey, we're teeing
off. Bye, Dave.

- Wish me luck.
- No, no, please. [stammers, sighs]

Whatever, I'm taking a gold bar.

Oh, sh*t.

Ooh... [chuckles]
...sorry about that.

[breathes deeply] Where were we?

Oh, you were celebrating
millions of COVID deaths.

No, no, I was not celebrating
anyone's death, okay?

I was celebrating a windfall
of money we recently received

- with a jaunty song that... [sighs]
- [cell phone rings]

Uh, I gotta take this, so just hang
tight for a little bit longer, right?

Uh, maybe order some lunch? Andy,
you want to be in charge of that?

- I'm Mikey.
- Yeah, great. Get that going.

- Oh, Mikey is great at Postmates.
- [phone chimes]

Come on. Let's go. Pass the
phone around. I'm "hungy."

Mmm... [stammers]

David, big news. I'm leaving.

Oh, I know. Ian told me.

You're taking a sabbatical. Thanks
for the heads-up, by the way.

No, no, no, no,
no. I was on leave.

Now I'm leaving,
as in the country.

Like, I-I'm looking
at flights right now.

What? Why?

I'm gonna go see Storm
in the Netherlands.

It might be a visit.
It might be moving.

I really don't know yet.

Well, it's certainly
crappy timing. [sighs]

I mean, you're leaving
and now Ian's on leave.

I can't have both creative
directors leave at the same time.

How does that make me look?
Not like a healthy duck.

Like a pretty f*cked duck.

Wait, Ian is taking
a sabbatical?

Yes, he just told me.

He's taken off on some
Golfing with the Stars tour.

You know what? This
is so typical of him.

Throwing a tantrum
just to get attention.

He is boning both of us

just like he always does.

But I think I can
debone you, David.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I have the solution. All
right, go to the vault in my office.

Everything's in a vault now.

All right, fine. [sighs]
I'm walking there.

There's a hard drive in there
with a Roscoe sticker on it.

No, Poppy, I was
just in the vault

and there was nothing in there
except Ian's ridiculous sneakers

and various earth elements.

Not his vault, my vault.

It's just an empty
cereal box on my desk.

Ian would never go near it, due
to his fear of refined sugar

and artificial
coloring. Although...

[chuckles]

...he doesn't seem to be that worried
about artificial coloring in his hair.

- [chuckles]
- Okay, stop with the jokes, would you?

Uh, so w-what is this?

What am... What am I
holding? Are the... Are...

Are there compromising
pictures of Ian?

It's Elysium. It's
finished, mate.

Wait, what do you mean?
[stammers] No, I k*lled that.

Yeah, we ignored you
and built it anyway.

See, sometimes it
works in your favor.

No, that does not work in my favor
because I told Montreal that...

that I k*lled the expansion.

How is it gonna look when they find out
that you guys defied my direct orders?

I don't know. I don't really get
involved in the nitty-gritty.

It's not nitty-gritty.
It is my life and career.

You know what? I don't need
this, and I don't need you.

You don't wanna work
here? That's fine.

There are plenty people
that can replace you.

- Clean slate. [sighs]
- [call disconnects]

[breathes deeply]

Okay, so I just need to
replace her with a, uh...

a major piece of talent.

And I think I know
where I can find it.

Not out there.

[Andy] This is tough.

I know what I should get
but I also know what I want.

Oh, boy.

What the heck is
"tat-zat-zee-kee"?

It's like ranch.

I'm hungry, just hurry up and
order and pass the phone, would ya?

Okay, team, listen up. Uh, I
need you to check this out.

Uh, you know, just tell me if
there's anything in there worthwhile

or maybe we scrap it for
parts. Here you go, Andy.

- I'm Mikey.
- I gotta pop out for a minute.

Uh, take care of something. Uh,
thank you so much for hanging tight.

- Can't wait to talk big moves with y'all.
- Scrap what for parts?

Gotta go. Can't talk.

- What do you even do with this thing?
- [phone chimes]

[Anthony] Uh, it's a hard drive.

{\an8}Yeah, but there's,
like, no ports.

There's, like, nothing.

What do you mean you
don't want the job?

I don't want the damn thing.

I'm offering you
lead programmer.

I mean, I... I'll pay
you whatever you want.

Back up the money
truck. Beep. Beep. Beep.

- You know, all I need is to... [stammers]
- [dog barking]

What kind of hellhound
is behind that door?

Oh, that's Butter. He's sweet...

to women.

He bit the hell out of the
delivery guy's calf yesterday.

Didn't even touch the food,
just wanted that male meat.

- [chuckles]
- [Butter snarls, barks]

Ms. Bryant does not have
time to repeat herself.

She doesn't want your pity job.

It's not a pity job.

I-It's a top position at one of the
biggest gaming studios in the world.

And I am the greatest
game-maker of my generation.

It is time to bet on me.

That's what I'm doing.
I'm trying to bet on you.

Let me bet on you. Let's
bet on you together, huh?

Come on, talk some
reason into her.

- What are you wearing?
- My sad narwhal pajamas.

- Why are you sad?
- Because I defended child labor

in front of Congress, David.

Which is why I would never tell Dana
to compromise her values for a job.

'Cause I did that, and now
I'm gonna be sad forever.

Ooh, dip.

Oh, my God. I'm getting
boned by a narwhal.

Jo, Jo... [chuckles]
...sweet, loyal, Jo.

Would you please explain to
them that we have the chance

to build something
great together?

I'm sorry, David. But my first loyalty
is to my boss and my best friend

and my other best friend
and their best friend.

[Butter barks, whines]

[sighs]

[stammers] Where's the
tall, skinny, brown one?

[stammers] The reasonable
one who cares about money.

Where's the man?

- [Butters growls]
- [door rattles]

[in Polish] I love our
high level meetings.

As do I.

Although sneaking around so we don't
bruise our fragile creatives is tiresome.

Creatives.

[sighing]

[sighs, chuckles]

What if we didn't have to be
subject to their emotions?

What are you suggesting?

- [chuckles]
- A future together.

One where we drink caipirinhas
on the beach in Rio

and have sex until
we pass out...

[chuckles]

...crowdfunded by
American children.

Interesting.

[chuckles, inhales deeply]

- [in English] Excuse me, could you...
- [masseuse 1] Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

[in Polish] On this drive
is malware I created.

When uploaded into
the Playpen system,

it will skim fractions of
Playpennies off every transaction.

Over the course of a
year, two, five, etcetera,

millions of dollars will be deposited
into an untraceable crypto wallet.

[chuckles]

All I need is someone who
can access the network.

Impressive.

[chuckles]

I stole it from the film Office Space,
which stole it from the Superman III.

Both movies I stole
from the Internet.

It is a...

[in English] theft onion.

[in Polish] I love the
way your brain works...

[cell phone rings]

[clicks tongue, groans]

That's David's ring.

[clicks tongue, in English]
Excuse me, could you...

[masseuse 2] Mm-hmm.

[in Polish] Decision time.

Are you with me or with him?

[in English] Everything
okay? Not hungry?

Actually, no, I was
eyeing up your meal.

You ever get that feeling where
you only want what your friend has?

[chuckles, stammers]
Why would you say that?

No reason, friend.

Listen, Andy... [stammers]
...we should probably, um...

[David] I'm back.

- [Anthony] Hey, David.
- Hey, great job, team.

Hey, keep hanging tight.
I can't talk right now.

I'm busy as a
Brittlesbee. [chuckles]

Buzz, buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz. [chuckles]

[cries]

I get so boned!

I get so boned all the time.
Everyone's always boning me.

- Everyone's boning me right in the...
- [Jo] David.

[screams] Jesus.

What are you doing here?

Feeling very uncomfortable.

[sighs] What do you want?

I'm here to betray Dana and Rachel
by getting them their jobs back

and in return I ask only that you
consider hiring me back as your assistant.

God, no. You're crazy.

- Please, David!
- Whoa!

Are you scared of me?

- Yeah.
- Me?

[chuckles] David, you...

h*, h*, h*, I took a class.

Someone taught you to do that?

David, it's me. You know me.

It's Jo. Sweet, loyal, Jo.

Please hire me back.

Please.

I need this job.

I can't go back to that dog-infested
shitbox of an apartment.

I'd rather die.

If you don't hire me back,

I swear here and now that I
will walk into the ocean again.

See, right there. Yeah, you're
insane. Get away from me.

[sighs]

Jesus, you're insane.
You're all insane.

You know what, that's
it, I'm starting fresh.

- No more you, no more Ian, no more Poppy.
- No.

- Clean slate. Clean slate!
- No. No.

You need my crazy!
You need my crazy!

[phone ringing]

Hey, David. I can't really talk right
now. I'm in the middle of this bet.

And it's not going very well.

Steph Curry excels at
every sport he plays.

Okay. You shut up, you shut
up and you listen good, okay?

'Cause you're not gonna bone me this
time. No. [chuckles] I am boning you.

You're fired! Ha! Slean clate!

- What?
- Sorry, clean slate.

Look, I am done
with you and Poppy.

And that is what you get for
lying to me about the expansion.

David.

[Ian] Wait, she told
you about Elysium?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she told
me a lot of fun updates.

Like the one about her
moving to the Netherlands.

She's what?

Oh, don't act like you
didn't know. Come on.

Look, I didn't but g-good for her,
all right? She should do that.

David!

You know, you two have no respect
for anyone in this company.

I'm gonna show you
something. You see this?

This right here is people that
have been waiting around all day.

Move, Anthony. They've been
waiting all day to understand

what the direction
of this company is.

Well, guess what? Here's the
direction this company is going.

It is going in a
direction without you.

- What?
- Okay? You like that? Does that hurt?

Yeah, that's the sting
of a Brittlesbee. Ha ha!

[call disconnects]

Now, Anthony, what is it?

I played the expansion.

Does it suck? Please
tell me it sucks.

It's incredible.

No!

No, it cannot be incredible.

Tell me it's-it's bad.

Because if it's good, then that
means that I have to work with them.

And I don't want to work with
them, Anthony. Because I hate them.

So, tell me it's bad,
or tell me it's lame,

or tell me it's mediocre.

But tell me something
that I want to hear!

A masterpiece.

I know. It's the most
beautiful thing I've ever seen.

And I've watched a ton of porn.

Oh, s-sh*t.

[inhales deeply] I need
Ian and Poppy back.

[sighs] Okay.

- Okay, let's call them. [chuckles]
- [Andy] Call her now.

- Yeah, I'll call them back. And I'll, uh...
- What are you two talking about, Judas?

- I'll beg Ian.
- [Andy] I ought to hurt your a*s!

- I'll beg Ian to come back.
- [Mikey] That hurt!

- [Mikey] Hey, get off!
- No, you get off of my woman!

[grunting, groaning]

Ow! Ow, my scalp!

Hey.

- [grunting]
- [employee] World Star!

[Mikey] Got you! Got
you! Hey, no kicking!

- No kick... It's not a kick fight!
- Guys.

Guys, come on, you're too old
for this! Stop it! Come on!

You're gonna break a hip.

- Good. Add it to my broken heart.
- O-Okay.

Everybody, go back in the
conference room, would you?

Guys, come on. What
the hell is going on?

Mikey slept with Carol.

I didn't sleep with
Carol. We just made out.

Wait, wait. Carol,
Carol? Our Carol?

No, she was my Carol until
he stole her from me.

- Wait, y-you both made out with Carol?
- [sighing]

No, I made love to her.

We just kissed a little bit.

Petting. Over the shirt stuff.
She wanted to do more on my...

- Okay, all right, listen, Mikey...
- No, no, no.

Enough! Enough! Enough!
Stop it! Stop it!

Guys, I do not have time to
keep two crazy people apart.

I gotta go get two other
crazy people back together.

So, you go in the testing cube.
And you, go in the conference room.

And stay there, okay?

- Just one more and then I'll...
- No, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

No.

- [Mikey sighs]
- I'm gonna poison you.

What is that? Don't do that.

Go. Go!

- [Brad] Hey, David.
- Hey, Brad.

- Wait, what are you doing here?
- Just dropped by to clean out the office.

Oh, great. Hey,
we're cleaning house.

Everybody's gotta go.

Hey, love that energy.
Where are you going?

To get Ian and Poppy back.

Clean slate! [chuckles]

- Hey, clean it out, all right?
- You know I will.

[knocks on door]

- Please don't go.
- Whoa!

I'll beg if I have to.

You already are.

No, this is nothing. I-I
got a whole nother gear.

I can get down on all fours
and you can ride me out of here

like a hobby horse if you want.

- David, get up.
- Does that mean you'll say yes?

David, get up off the floor.

- All right, fine. [sighs]
- Sorry, okay?

I just... I'm not
trying to bone you.

But I have to leave.

I can't work with Ian anymore.

I know Ian is... [sighs]

He's frustrating as
hell to work with.

But i-if it makes you feel
any better, so are you.

You're both insufferable, selfish
children who are driving me insane.

- Thank you?
- [sighs]

But somehow together the
two of you, i-it works.

Uh, look, I don't want it to
work. I-I don't want to want you.

I wish I could quit you.

But I... [sighs]

[stammers] Then you make something
like Elysium and it's incredible.

So I'm asking you to come back.

David, this is hard for me too.

Do you think it's easy for me to walk
away from everything we've built together?

Well, so don't. I mean,
y-you don't have to leave.

If you don't leave, then he won't
leave. And then nobody has to leave.

And then we can
go crazy together.

Is this your strategy
for keeping a woman?

'Cause it is not working.

[sighs] Yeah, it never does.

Do you have juice?

I've been running
around a lot today.

I think I have an
orange you can suck on.

- [phone chimes]
- Uh...

Who's this?

Oh, God. It's Anthony. With a link.
Probably some weird porn thing.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- It's Ian.
- In a weird porn?

No... [sighs] ...but
he is f*cking me.

[Poppy] "Ian Grimm resigns
from Mythic Quest?"

Oh, my God, he's resigning?

He... He can't do that.

He just did.

Which means...

it all comes down to you.

If you stay, you'll
be creative director.

No one else. No
Ian, no compromises.

[sighs]

Please stay.