Joe Crist (2024)

[bunniefuu]

Looks like you're in

the wrong town, stranger.

Funny, I was going to say

the same thing about you.

Maybe you didn't hear me.

Oh, I heard you.

I just don't care.

But there's three of us.

Giddy-up.

Yeehaw.

I like that hat.

Oh, oh.

Don't get comfortable, amigo.

Sorry, Diablo.

You won't need that

coat where you're going.

That's an awful good

hat for a bad man.

No bad guys left in town.

Time to move on, Joe Crist.

Well, look what

the cat dragged in.

Been a while.

A while, Joe Crist.

I didn't even know if you

were still alive or dead.

Get off of me.

Get out.

Let the woman be.

I can take care of myself, cowboy.

Oh, I'm sure you can.

Only you?

Just me and my six little friends.

Well, what will it be, cowboy?

- What's your name?

- Maggie.

Nice name.

I'll have the same.

Coming right up.

Maggie, can I call on you?

Wow, you are quick on the draw.

Are we talking professionally or socially?

Uh, hopefully both.

Looking forward to it, Joe.

You know, Dell here told me all about you.

He thought he'd never see you again.

Who knows?

Maybe you are some kind of miracle, Joe.

Miracles do happen, Maggie.

And lucky for you, they do

- Well?

- Well what?

Once again, Joe Crist strikes.

- Take a seat.

- Take a seat.

Well, what the hell have you been up to?

What's it been?

Two years.

Uh-hmm.

And you've no news?

No tall tales to tell?

No death-defying feats?

No so-called miracles?

Nope.

Oh, you're just downright

boring that's what you are.

Downright boring, Mister.

Mr. Crist?

Joe Crist?

He is indeed, Joe Crist.

My daughter, she's missing.

She's a couple cards

short of a full house,

but she's as sweet as the day is long.

Have you seen the sheriff?

The sheriff's just useless.

This town has changed, Joe.

You're a bounty hunter,

you could find her.

Was.

What can it hurt, Joe?

Take a look with your

professional prying eyes.

Think of it as buying

your way into heaven.

Does she live with you?

She lives across the street

at the hotel top floor.

All right, I'll give it a look-see.

Thank you, thank you Mr. Crist.

Thank you so much, Joe

Crist, you're a saint.

Joe Crist?

Joe Crist?

Ah, welcome back.

Where am I?

You're at my place.

I'm Dr. Wellburn.

I don't know why,

but your hands have

been bleeding on and off

ever since you got here.

What's the last thing you remember?

I was in the desert and it was raining.

And before that?

I was in the desert, it was raining.

And before that?

I was still in the desert.

It was still raining.

Joe, you've been in this

here room for 40 days.

I don't follow.

40, 40 days, like, four-o,

one, two, three four.

You've been in this room

for 40 days, four-o.

You suffered a shotgun blast

to the chest and the face

and you were blown clean

through the hotel window.

Frankly, I dunno how you're still alive.

Your head is harder than

a blacksmith's anvil,

you know that?

Don't get on that train, Doc.

How did you know I was going off to?

Don't get on that train.

- I don't understand.

- I don't either.

Hi darling.

No.

I said, hi darling.

What you

got under there, sweetheart?

We just wanna a

little look, that's all.

Come on pretty

lady, we just wanna peek,

and you can be on your merry way.

Please leave her alone.

What are you gonna do if we don't?

I'm headed to the church.

You may join me if you'd like.

You just don't want us to

have any fun at all, do you?

Please, join me.

No.

When hell freezes over.

You are really starting

to get on my nerves.

Have a nice day.

Come on boys.

Welcome.

I've never seen you here before.

I just stopped by to

try to collect myself.

Ah, and what do you

usually do to compose,

or as you say, collect yourself?

I get very drunk.

Uh-huh.

Do you have faith?

Faith?

Faith, belief in a greater

power than one's self.

I have faith in my g*n.

Does that count?

No, that doesn't count.

He sees all.

He hears all.

He forgives all.

Would you like to pray with me?

That's a bridge too far for me, Padre.

I just stopped by to see

if I can right my ship.

Ah, listening in the wind, are we?

Uh-hmm.

He listens to us all.

How?

How do you know someone's there?

My faith, my faith tells me.

But how do you know?

He's there?

It's as simple as knowing the difference

between right and wrong.

It's within you.

It's always within you.

He's always within all of us.

I'll leave you in peace.

Stay as long as you want.

His house is always open to you.

Joe Crist, as I live and breathe.

Have a drink.

I'm gonna get you a drink, Joe.

She likes you, Joe.

What's not to like?

How much time do you have?

You cheeky b*stard.

Takes one to know one.

Good to see you Maggie.

40 days, huh?

You don't look any worse for wear.

I think you really are a miracle man.

I'm lucky, that's all.

Miss me?

I did.

You wanna see me later?

More than anything.

Joe Crist?

I'm Sheriff Yugo.

I'm here to let you

know that we just passed

a no firearms ordinance.

You're gonna have to

hand your sh**ter over.

Okay?

I'm just joshing you.

I just like knowing who I'm dealing with.

I'm telling you that Mr. Weaver

wants me to keep this town

on a tight leash.

We understand each other, Joe Crist?

We understand you, Sheriff.

Well, that's good to know.

Be seeing ya.

Joe Crist.

I told you this town had changed.

Two more whiskeys, good-looking.

And then we'll go

check out that hotel room

I was blown out of.

Why?

She's still disappeared, isn't she?

Yeah.

Maybe I missed something.

Oh hell, Joe,

that room is sure to be

rented over and over by now.

Well, when the drinks

arrive, you drink up quick

and then you can start telling me

what's not to like about

me, you cheeky b*stard.

Well, your ornery disposition for one.

Your general lack of respect for others.

You're holier than thou attitude.

You're a faster draw than me.

Could've told you that.

Do you hear this guy, Maggie?

The Smucker shysters from Albuquerque.

Did I tell you about the father

of the Smucker shysters from Albuquerque?

And your rugged good looks for another.

That incident in Carson City.

And since you came to town

I know where she is.

I'm sorry, Joe, but that girl's dead.

We've gotta tell her ma.

She was dead.

Can you get her home?

Yeah, I can get her

home, but she was dead.

Evening Padre.

I just stopped by to let you know

you ever interfere with

my men having fun again,

I'll bury you underneath

this church of yours.

After all this time,

I don't know why you would

suddenly think that's acceptable.

So here's what's gonna happen now.

These two men are gonna

beat some sense into you.

Whenever you wake up from that,

you'll know my words have meaning.

Enjoy the rest of your evening.

It's been three whole years

since I moved to this town.

And now I'm just stuck in the mud.

If you don't like it, leave.

That's the thing, I do like it.

I feel like there's a future here for me,

but we gotta get rid

of Weaver and his g*ng.

You know, why don't I make

an honest woman out of you?

You better be serious, Joe.

Oh, I'm as serious as a g*nsh*t.

That's pretty serious.

Why don't you come back to bed?

Wild horses couldn't drag me away.

I can tell you she was as dead

as your great-great granddad in a coffin.

Go ahead and laugh.

Laugh all you want, but I

know the living from the dead,

and I saw her, I saw her,

and she was as dead as.

And now for my next trick.

I'm gonna try to bring

back from the dead someone

who's been very dead for many, many years.

Ha, ha, ha, very funny, very funny.

Drinks on Dell.

To the bar.

I didn't even know you

had a sense of humor.

Maggie, did you know he

had a sense of humor?

Listen, he could be very

playful when he wants to be.

And here all this

time I thought you were

as dry as the desert sand.

As dull as dishwater.

As cheerless and dreary

as a dark cloudy day.

I am an enigma.

Oh, you're an enigma, all right.

Come from Alabama with a banjo

He looked faster.

He did, didn't he?

You must've made some

enemies these past two years.

Some.

Buy you a drink?

You're singing my song, Dell.

In fact, you can buy me three.

You know, that boy

should never have come back to this town.

You tell Weaver that.

Just like I thought, all bark, no bite.

I'm just saying.

It don't matter what you or I say.

That's Weaver's boy and

you can't touch him.

Now you mark my words.

There's gonna be trouble.

There's gonna be trouble.

Well, I can live with trouble.

I always have.

There's gonna be hell to pay.

We're all going to hell, Sheriff.

I just wanna be the last one to get there.

There's gonna be trouble.

You know it and I know it.

Trouble.

Trouble!

Weaver.

Weaver.

Weaver!

Weaver.

Find me.

Looky here.

Over here.

Get off of me blinking.

Looky here.

Over here.

Don't touch me you wheezy gangster.

Leave the man alone.

You just traded

yourself for him, Mister.

You try to slap me,

I'll rip your arm off.

This ain't over.

Holy moly, holy Moses.

I can see, I can see.

Maggie, hot damn, I can see

your sweet face, I can see.

I can see, I can see.

I can see, I can see.

I can see.

What happened?

You fainted.

Joe brought you in here.

Joe, where's Joe?

Easy does it.

He said he had business to attend to.

Welcome back, Joe Crist.

You want me to take care of them?

Them who?

Whoever did that to you.

It is not your concern.

You know, you kinda

look like the sheriff.

The sheriff, he's my twin brother.

He's as twisted on the inside

as he is on the outside,

but you didn't come here

to talk about my brother.

Something's happening to me.

Well, if it is, have

faith that it's God's will.

I can hear his voice.

That's not possible.

Oh, but it is Padre, it is.

You think you can actually hear him?

And what does he say to you, Joe Crist?

He says that I, I am

going to be his vengeance.

It's not possible as vengeance

is mine, sayeth the Lord.

What you need is.

It's not possible.

Oh, but it's Padre, it is.

Well.

Looky here.

Sunday School get out early?

You should be in church.

In church praying.

Praying we wouldn't find you.

You got no girl to protect

you this time, do you?

You see, Weaver gave us his

blessing to put it into you.

That's exactly what we're gonna do.

I told you this wasn't over.

Didn't I?

Wine,

adios amigo, it's true.

The problem you have is

that I'm no blind old man.

Aw!

May God bless you.

That looks good.

Now don't forget to change

the dressings every three days

and you'll be as right as rain.

All right?

I can do that.

Good.

By the way, that train that

you warned me about crashed,

and all the people in the

car that I would've been in

were k*lled.

So I'm much obliged to you, Joe Crist,

but I have to ask, how did you know, how?

I'm as confused as you are, Doc.

Oh, by the way, before you go,

we have a leper colony outside of town

and I would appreciate some help.

Anything you can do would be fine

to help these poor people, all right?

And don't forget your office

calls will be free of charge.

Lepers, Doc?

Absolutely.

Imagine that, Doc.

God bless, Joe Crist.

See you tomorrow, Sheriff.

Weaver wants you to join us.

We're going after that bounty hunter.

I know, I'm coming.

I know just where to find him.

Come on.

Another girl has just gone missing.

It's gotta be Weaver's

son, Joe, it's gotta be.

Weaver's son just got out of prison.

Just when that girl, Diane, went missing.

Where do I find him?

He's usually at that old shack downtown.

I'm Anton Weaver.

This is my town.

I own everything and everyone in it.

Nothing comes or goes around

here without me saying so.

And I say it's time for

you two to hit the road.

Ain't that right, Sheriff?

You boys heard him, now get.

It's not polite to interfere with a man

when he's drinking,

but if you apologize,

like I know that you will.

I'll forget about your rude behavior.

sh**t somebody.

I had no beef with you.

I was only following Weaver's orders.

I was only following.

You're the sheriff.

You're supposed to

stand for law and order.

You're supposed to stand for good,

but you, you stand for neither,

but your real problem is

you kicked the wrong dog.

Hey.

You don't wanna

draw down on me boy.

You really don't.

She's out back, Dell.

Don't you know who my daddy is?

Your problem is, I just don't care.

He was going for his g*n.

It was Weaver's son,

it was his only son.

You don't know the trouble you're in.

You really don't, Joe.

You didn't have to k*ll him.

The sheriff in Abilene

would've taken him.

You gotta get outta town.

Give Weaver some time

to mourn, to calm down,

but you gotta get outta town.

Weaver's gonna have his

guys coming after you.

You have to get outta town.

Get outta town.

But what if I don't

wanna get outta town?

What if I have a reason to stay in town?

You say the sweetest things,

but I'm not kidding, you

have to get outta town.

Get outta town.

Give Weaver some time.

I'll send word when it's safe,

but you gotta get outta town.

If that's what you want.

I don't, but you have to get outta town.

Go on, get outta town.

Get outta town.

What?

Get outta town.

I'll be right here in town

keeping the light on for you.

But I gotta get outta town.

You gotta get outta town.

Maggie, come out here, we need to talk.

Come on, come on out.

She's not coming out.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Your boyfriend.

Your boyfriend k*lled my only son.

Where is he?

I'll only ask you one more time.

Where is he?

He was my only son.

My only son.

We're taking her with us.

It's just a burning bush.

Oh, you leave a trail like a bleeding dog.

You must be Weaver boys.

Looks like we got

ourselves one smart cowboy.

Now move away from that varmint

before you make an a*s of yourself.

Yeah, get away from the varmint.

Now why would I do that?

I like this mule.

How about now?

Am I silly now?

I like that coat.

That's doc, that's doc they're dragging.

Or what's left of him?

What are we gonna do about it?

What are you doing here?

Well, hello to you, too.

Weaver can't know you're here.

Too late.

They're all gunning for ya.

I could use a drink.

Joe, Joe, it's Maggie.

She's,

she's dead.

Weaver shot her, I saw

it over at the saloon.

Where is she?

They took her body to hide it from you.

I could really use that drink.

Weaver wants to meet

you at the edge of town.

You know, violence isn't the answer.

You know it is for me, Padre.

They k*lled Maggie.

Somebody's gonna pay a penance.

Well, if that's the way

it is, may he walk with you.

- I'm coming with you.

- Not a good idea.

I'm coming with you.

You know, we probably

won't live to tell the tale.

I know.

I'm coming with you all the same.

Have it your way.

You don't have to do this, you know.

Now you tell me.

I told you before.

Yeah, but you didn't

put any effort into it.

Just remember, Dell,

everyone dies of something.

Is that some sort of confidence builder?

There's a lot of 'em.

Oh yeah.

I told you, Joe Crist, this is my town.

I'm gonna live here for as long as I want.

You, you're gonna die in this street

right here and right now.

And just between you and me,

your little girlfriend

died a slow, painful death.

See you on the other side, Dell.

What?

Get him.

Dell, wake up, Dell.

Where's Weaver?

He's where he should be.

Let's get a drink.

Well, how do you know where to look?

Weaver was such a deceitful,

well, he was so jealous of you

two, you may never find her.

Dell, she's right over

there behind that building.

- Really?

- Yep.

Well, are you kinda

gonna go and wake her?

That I am.

I'm gonna wake that gal.

I'm gonna ask her for her hand.

- Marriage.

- Uh-hmm.

- Really?

- Uh-hmm.

Well, you are a very brave man.

That I am, Dell, that I am.

Well, I shall be at the bar

raising a glass to toast the two of you.

Folks, wait 'til you hear the news?

Now, let us humbly invoke God's blessing

upon this bride and groom that

in his kindness he may favor.

So in this sacred endeavor,

do you, Joe Crist,

take Maggie St. James

as your lawful bride?

I do.

And do you Maggie St. James,

take Joe Crist as your lawful groom?

Maybe.

I do, I do.

And by the authority vested in me,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

Woo-hoo,

woo-hoo, woo-hoo, woo-hoo.

To Maggie.

She makes me want to be a better man.

To Maggie.

To Maggie.

Sheriff Joe Crist, you

got a few visitors out here.

It seems like you're

mighty popular, Joe Crist.

Well, don't look so sad, people need.

Need what?

Hope, they need hope, Joe Crist.