01x10 - Confetti Boys

[bunniefuu]

-[indistinct radio chatter]

-[siren wailing]

["You Did It" by

Ann Robinson playing]

You did it ♪

-You did it ♪

-Uh-huh ♪

Baby, you did it ♪

Uh-huh ♪

You made me want you, yeah ♪

We keep telling you.

We didn't see his face.

Could have been a woman.

Or a very thin, beautiful man.

I'm sorry, guys. This is

an active crime scene, okay?

Nobody gets in the building.

Nobody gets out.

Sir, it's my wedding!

One of your guests died,

which, by the way,

is not a very good omen.

This is Islamophobic, man.

Would you do this to two white people

if someone died at their wedding?

No, of course I would not.

You would or wouldn't?

I wouldn't. No, I would.

I would!

Yes, I would. Ah, f*ck.

Look, I don't want

Internal Affairs up my a*s again.

Here's what I'll do.

Anybody who has an invitation,

they can go in.

-But that's it.

-Great.

-Thank you.

-Thank you so much.

-We happy?

-I could be happier, but

-[Sergeant] Okay, well, that's not my job.

-Thank you so much, sir.

[funky upbeat music playing]

[g*nshots]

[b*llet shells clinking]

You poor boys haven't

eaten all day.

Same thing happened to me

at my wedding.

You were married?

One whole day.

Murderwalla.

Crazy night in Vegas.

Great sex.

Basically started the

divorce paperwork

the night of the wedding.

-Holy sh*t.

-[Raj Dar] Wow.

Look, boys, I promised Baba

if anything happened to him,

that I would protect you

in this f*cked-up world.

And that promise is

my g*dd*mn religion.

I will always choose you.

I am sorry about Prairie.

Can you forgive me?

You did a really bad thing,

Lucky Auntie.

I can understand

why you did it now,

but it's not up to me.

I can't forgive you yet.

But this roti roll is

a pretty good start.

I'll take it.

Anyway, speaking of m*rder,

there is actually something else

I need to tell you about.

Oh, God. Please, Lucky Auntie.

I-I don't know how much more

of this sh*t I can take.

You know what? You're right.

It can wait.

More pressing business.

After your little tirade

about switching suppliers,

the Peruvians have dispatched

a really scary m*therf*cker

named Chacho

to make good on the threat

pinned to Dawar's head.

Oh, f*ck.

So Chacho will be here soon

to collect our debt

or our heads. That's all.

Just stating facts.

And how are we supposed

to sell a million dollars'

worth of drugs today?

Oh, this is how we die.

[Bushra] Mir?

-[Mir Dar] Bushra, hey.

-This is so bad.

I know. I know. I know.

Hey, I know.

A death at a wedding

is a lot to process.

Not that. The flower

altar keeps falling.

I can't deal.

I have to get into makeup.

Secure the altar.

This is my big day.

[Mir] Listen. I know

this has been a lot, okay?

But I promise you

everything's gonna be perfect

-from here on out. Okay?

-You keep saying that. [sniffles]

No, no, no. I promise.

I promise. Hand on my heart.

-Okay?

-Okay.

Get outta here.

[pensive percussive

music playing]

To be clear,

this Chacho thing is a priority

-over the flower thing.

-For sure.

[officers chattering]

Hey, who's in charge here?

[Sergeant] he doesn't

have a leg? [chuckles]

-I am.

-Thanks for holding it down.

FBI. We'll take it from here.

You know something?

We don't work for you, Orphan Annie.

We're here to help, Sergeant

Testicola?

-Am I saying that right?

-Yeah. You're saying it right.

Testicola. That's right.

That's my name.

Look, we're expecting

something major here.

We're gonna look around.

Please keep your guys

out of our way.

You know something?

You remind me of a guy

I beat the sh*t out of

when I was a kid.

I'm not surprised that a cop

used to be a

bully as a child.

Yeah. Why don't you go put

your little rubber gloves on?

-Come on!

-Go. Go.

-Do your FBI stuff.

-[Agent Frances Mercer] Come on!

-[sniffing]

-[Ali] Ah!

Seriously, guys?

Who gives a sh*t at this point?

-[Lucky] He's right.

-Oh!

We're all going to die.

When did you get so religious?

I'm just covering my bases.

I did a lot of bad sh*t

in my life, man.

-Astagfirullah.

-[Mir] Right. And with that,

welcome to my wedding day

emergency meeting.

-As stated, things are pretty f*cking bad.

-[Hassan sniffing]

Ahmad Uncle, welcome back.

It's actually Reverend Ahmad.

That's gonna be your new career

if we can't pull ourselves

out of this.

Right. Ali, Feraz, Hassan,

really sorry for the trauma

that you suffered.

Open the door, man!

The child lock is on!

[Mir gasping]

But we really gotta

pull it together

if we wanna get

through this, okay?

Dude, you're not the Chief Saab.

Why is he always talking

like he's Chief Saab?

You're definitely

not Chief Saab.

And you're talking like

you're full of coke.

You want some?

Okay, guys, can we please

table our internal issues?

Table bullshit my a*s,

you dumb f*ck! Dawar is dead!

Astagfirullah. Forgive me.

Oh, sweet Dawar. Sweet,

sweet, sweet, sweet Dawar!

Look, there is enough coke

just sitting in Ahmad's truck

to cover the million we owe

the Peruvians and then some.

And it's not going anywhere

with all the cops outside.

[Raj] They can't get in

without a warrant.

And if we give them

a reason to come in here,

we're f*cked.

We're out of fronts.

[Mir gasps]

That's it.

-[Maaliks] Hmm?

-That's how we do it.

We're gonna use my wedding

as a front.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Mir.

You literally just told Bushra

that this

But this is the only way

I can get us out of this.

This sounds super haram.

I'm out.

Where do you think

you're going, f*cking idiot?

Like, Pakistan, bro.

I got a government pension

over there. f*ck this.

-He's on a f*cking student visa.

-f*ck you.

-[Maaliks arguing]

-Mir, are you crazy, dude?

-If Bushra finds out

-Can you just let him talk?

We get the street dealers

to pose as wedding guests,

put them on the guest list,

put their bricks

in different colored gift bags

they can take on their way out.

Have you looked at that mob?

[snickers] I mean, rough doesn't

begin to describe them.

You'd be better off

putting them in hijabs.

We'll get them to shower.

But even if we get that far,

how do we get the

money out of here

and to the Peruvians with cops

and Feds all watching?

[Mir sighs]

[rattling]

-[shoes squeak]

-[items clatter]

Sorry.

There's a horse in the kitchen.

[upbeat music playing]

We put the money in here.

So it's like a Trojan horse

except filled with cash

instead of whatever was

in the Trojan horse?

-Pretty sure it was Trojans.

-Trojans.

We load it out with all

the other wedding crap

and deliver it to Chacho.

The FBI and the cops

will just think

it's a part of the wedding.

I can see in your faces that

you all know this is gonna work.

I'll put the street dealers

on the guest list.

Ali, call those scrubs

and tell them to get gussied up.

Matthew and I will get

started on the bags.

-Ahmad?

-I'll get the cocaine.

Mir? You go be a groom, beta.

We'll take it from here.

[pensive percussive

music playing]

Alright.

You sure you wanna do this

on your wedding day?

We have to. This is my f*ck-up.

I gotta make this right.

Alright. But this is

it for me, man.

Once this deal is done

I'm out the game.

You know, I haven't wanted

to admit it to myself,

but I know.

It's crazy. I, uh

I always thought

I was the drug guy.

Turns out I'm not.

I'm gonna take care of

everything. Okay?

I'll even pay for your

fur sweatshirts and sh*t.

[chuckles] Thanks.

You were born for this, man.

I f*cking love you.

I love you too.

Tiff in the tiffin?

Tiff in the tiffin.

Come here.

[vintage Bollywood

song playing]

[Matthew singing along

in foreign language]

[Lucky joins in singing]

Calm before the storm?

That was Baba's favorite song.

[vintage Bollywood

music continues]

[music volume lowers]

Ahmad, I have something

to tell you.

Baba was m*rder*d.

-What?

-It's true.

No, th-that can't be. He was

He-he was k*lled by a golf ball.

Hard to wrap your mind around,

but it is true.

I met his assassin.

He didn't know who

ordered the hit.

All he could tell me was

that they had Brown skin

and mid-digital hair.

Look, he's got hair

on his middle knuckles.

It's a rare genetic trait.

It was Chickie Lasagna.

That scum-sucking greaseball.

-He dies tonight.

-Tonight.

I'll do it!

-You? God, no.

-Absolutely not.

I'm speaking in an elevated tone

because I'm talking to a moron.

How long does it take

to get a search warrant?

What do you mean the judge is

at a bocce tournament?

Put me through to [groans]

And she's gone.

[guests chattering]

This is ridiculous.

Just look at these guys.

They're obviously

the Dars' crime associates

just waltzing in.

Sergeant Testicola,

are you seeing this?

We need to take action.

Mm. Not on my watch, honey.

[crunches]

[mouthful] We got a little thing

here called protocol.

[Mercer sighs]

I learned that

the hard way. [chuckles]

They gave me a,

a little house arrest

that just ruined my marriage,

so here we are. Alright?

We are so close to getting

these guys.

And we're stuck behind

a red tape.

[Testicola crunching chips]

Sometimes I really hate America.

-[contemporary raga music playing]

-[guests chattering]

I assume you're with the Dars.

-Chickie.

-Yeah.

Is anybody gonna die

at this event?

-[Lucky chuckles]

-[Chickie Lozano] Just sayin'.

Fingers crossed,

no one is savagely m*rder*d.

[Lucky chuckles]

Piece of sh*t.

[pensive percussive

music playing]

How could you do this?

Don't ask me about my business.

Don't you dare quote

The Godfather.

The one thing I asked was

to not know about your business,

and you're doing a drug deal

at our wedding?

Baby, I had no choice.

Why don't you just put that back

where we found it,

and we can get back

to the wedding?

You ruined the wedding

that I dreamt about

since I was a little girl.

[Mir]

I had no choice.

I'm doing what

I have to do for us.

Okay? Let's just get over it.

I can't just get over it!

I've seen something

I can't unsee.

I had to tell my mom

that this was a bath b*mb.

And you've both made it

abundantly clear

that you don't want me

if I'm poor.

[scoffs] So it's my fault

for wanting things too?

You're saying you would

stop all of this

if I didn't want stuff?

This is my world.

You joining me or not?

Goodbye, Mir.

[tense tabla music playing]

[pensive tabla music playing]

[Raj]

Well, this is weird.

We hear sh*t's falling apart.

This family has a dark cloud.

Yeah. No wedding, no cover.

No cover, no deal.

No deal and we're dead.

Anything we can do to help?

["5 Taara" by Diljit Dosanjh

playing]

Huh?

[MC]

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome the bride

and groom to the stage

-for the ceremony.

-[glass shatters]

[singing in foreign language]

[guests gasp]

[all murmuring]

[Ahmad]

We're gathered here today

to witness the formation

of a union,

one based on an ancient

tradition

of rolling the dice

and seeing how they fall.

Yeah, but before we get to it,

the bride and groom

have prepared their own vows.

Where's Bushra?

Yes, he's rich. A little chubby.

Are you free to meet

Tazeen's nephew

for brunch tomorrow?

I don't know,

but the shrimp is really good

and I hear the gift

bags are awesome.

-Nandika.

-Raj.

We barely know each other.

The two things

I know about you are

that you're really hot

Like, not even the

basic sh*t, right?

and that your family

is somehow

even more f*cked up than mine.

-I don't know your birthday.

-November 12th.

[Raj] I don't know

your mental health history

or your political beliefs.

-They're fun.

-[Raj] Oh, dope.

I can tell from your eyes,

and also your awesome body,

that you are a good person.

And you know, ever since

that one time

that we smoked weed

together yesterday,

I just feel like you're hotter

than I thought you were.

And that is a vast improvement

from the freaks, incels,

and sadists

that are normally

available to me.

And so I'm just like,

"f*ck it." Right?

-f*ck it!

-[Raj] What's the worst that could happen?

[Nandika]

I feel the exact same way.

-[Raj] Let's do it, right?

-Yeah. I do!

[Ahmad]

Yeah. Right. Well,

in a western deviation

of the tradition,

the bride and groom may kiss.

[guests gasp]

[guests applauding]

-Come on! Come on!

-I won!

-[upbeat music playing]

-[guests chattering]

Dead man eating ladoo.

[Matthew] [softly]

If they would let me, I would k*ll you.

Okay, one thing at a time.

Let's get the deal done first.

-[hip-hop music playing]

-[Nandika and Raj] Thank you.

-[Nandika] Thank you.

-[Raj] Thanks.

Thank you, guys.

-["Barry" by AG Club playing]

-What you gon' do? ♪

-What you gon' do? What you gon' do? ♪

-Thank you.

-What you gon' do? ♪

-Thank you.

-What you gon' do? ♪

-I'm finna ♪

[speaking foreign language]

Come on, come on, let's go.

[indistinct chatter]

There's 746,

there's no different

Ow!

Can't you count faster?

[Hassan]

Hurry up, bro. Come on.

I'm not getting k*lled

by the f*cking Peruvians.

Have a good day.

That's pretty good.

Let's go!

Whoo!

["Barry" continues playing]

-[music stops]

-[indistinct chatter]

Good evening.

You must be Chacho.

-[Chacho grunts]

-[Mir gasps]

[tense music playing]

Look, all the money's there.

We counted it.

I can show you our tally sheet.

You've never been

a cent short

since you took over

for your father.

Late, but never short.

Chacho, encantada.

I believe this concludes

our business.

Not so fast, Afortunada.

My employers have heard stories

of your dogged efforts

to keep your dying

operation alive.

It has earned their admiration.

-Wow.

-So nice.

-So nice. Mm.

-[chuckles] Yeah.

I am going to settle

for not being k*lled

and just getting back to work.

Chacho, I want you to know

that we are dedicated

to out-of-the-box thinking

and making us all boatloads

of money in the process.

We are going big. Okay?

We all got that

immigrant mentality.

Aye, amigo.

The American Dream

esta muerto.

-Oh.

-Mm-hmm.

But this is still the

land of opportunity

for cocaine traffickers.

-[Lucky] Mm-hmm.

-[Chacho] We need reliable partners.

You'll hear from us

when the time is right.

Adios.

-[Chacho grunts]

-[Mir] Adios.

[cargo door whirring]

I think I love that guy.

-[truck driving away]

-[Mir panting]

[Mir exhales]

[Lucky sighs]

["Just One Look"

by Linda Ronstadt playing]

[guests applauding]

-Just one look ♪

-[guests oohing]

-And I fell so ha-a-rd ♪

-[Nandika giggling]

-[guests cheering]

-[Raj] Oh!

In love ♪

-[guests cheering]

-[Nandika laughs]

With you ♪

Oh, oh ♪

[quiet chatter]

Is the bathroom that way?

Yeah, I think so.

-You gonna be alright by yourself?

-Yeah, I'm good.

[Lucky]

The wedding is almost done,

and Chickie just broke off

from the crowd.

No.

Let me have this.

[tense tabla music playing]

Chickie.

Chickie, Chickie, Chickie.

You know my full

name is Chicken.

Chicken Giuseppe Lozano.

-[laughs] Cool story.

-[c*ck g*n]

[tense music playing]

[Chickie sighs]

I always knew I'd get whacked

but not in a bathroom

by a p*ssy like you.

p*ssy? [scoffs]

Yeah, whatever.

You're taking the fall

for Baba's m*rder.

[sighs]

You k*lled him?

I should have been

the Chief Saab.

This was supposed to be my time.

In the old days, I'd have

been boss automatically.

You should have backed me

when you had the chance.

But here we are.

You f*ck' Brutus!

He was an arrogant as*h*le.

Never treated me with

an ounce of respect.

And he was tanking

the business. Our business.

So I thought, why not cut

the head off the snake

and come out on top when

the dust settles?

-[feet thud]

-[ominous music playing]

[door creaking]

Oh, Christ.

How could you?

Well, I would've done it sooner

and rubbed you out

at the same time.

Sorry we tried

to k*ll you, Chickie.

Lucky thought you put

the hit on Baba

because of your disgusting

knuckle hair.

I think it's masculine.

But then [chuckles]

I remembered.

I was getting my unibrow done,

Silky Smooth on

Washington Ave

-[Ahmad gasps]

-and who do I see

getting laser hair removal?

-I should have known it was you.

-[g*n c*ck]

You were always so

jealous of Baba.

-It sounds like a "you two" problem.

-Shut up.

You're a clever bugger, Matthew.

And you make a bang-up

cup of chai.

-[g*n fires]

-Oh, God!

No!

[g*n fires]

You have our loyalty.

We would follow you

into the hell.

[Raj] Mir's gonna take it

from here. I'm out, guys.

This just isn't my vibe,

like, at all.

Congratulations on your

marriage, Raj.

I had an arranged marriage too.

Best thing that ever

happened to me.

Thank you. Yeah.

Gonna move to Tallahassee.

Start over, maybe take

some night classes.

Have some weird,

crazy sex with my wife.

Get to know her first,

obviously.

Florida sucks,

but you do you, Raj.

Okay.

-Mm-hmm.

-Yep.

[Maaliks continue chattering]

[somber music playing]

There's something I have

to tell you both.

FBI, freeze!

[Lucky] f*ck!

Wow. So the FBI's crashing

weddings now?

We know this wedding is a sham.

Mashallah. She said yes.

There goes the bride.

Something went down.

We need to get in there,

but we don't have a warrant.

[Director Brett Simpson]

You know, my grandpa used to say

it's better to ask for

forgiveness than permission.

Ever heard that?

Yes. It's an extremely

common saying.

The other brother's getting

married now?

Is this a Pakistani thing?

All I saw were two

beautiful people getting married.

-This is a private event.

-Just give it up.

There is clearly a drug deal

going on at this wedding.

Hey! Unless you have

a warrant, don't set a foot

Oh, actually, our warrant

just cleared one hour ago.

Pretty lucky. [smooches]

Why don't you show it to me?

It's hidden in a place

you wouldn't even expect.

-[Lucky] Your as*h*le?

-[Simpson] No.

-Your as*h*le.

-[Lucky] My as*h*le?

-FBI, freeze!

-[Ahmad] Chickie.

[Lucky]

Hey, what the f*ck?

-Chickie?

-Chick

Chickie?

[tense music playing]

Ahmad had your father

k*lled. [chokes]

-What?

-What?

What?

-What?

-What?

No, i-it was Chickie.

He's got the hairy knuckles.

-Laser hair removal.

-[body thuds]

Holy sh*t.

-I will rip your d*ck off!

-I'm gonna k*ll you.

Raj, stop! No!

-[Lucky] f*ck!

-FBI.

-[agent] Hands where we can see 'em!

-[Lucky] f*ck!

We have an injured

civilian here.

Requesting a medic.

Director Simpson,

what are you doing here?

Our warrant cleared

30 seconds ago.

-[Lucky scoffs]

-Thank God. You got here just in time.

These drug smugglers

just shot Chickie Lozano.

Take 'em away, boys.

The FBI official here illegally

was the only one with a weapon.

[agents murmuring]

I'm sorry, sir.

You shouldn't have been here.

Disarm them.

Oh, come on. We're FBI agents.

[agent]

We're following procedure.

Sadly, it's true. As of now,

we're rogue operatives.

How could you? You were my hero.

You're still my hero.

Grab a bouquet on the way out.

Alright, fan out, boys.

Let's turn this place

upside down.

-[agents chattering]

-[tense music playing]

Where's Ahmad?

Ahmad!

I'm gonna find that

son of a b*tch

and I'm gonna k*ll him.

Ahmad!

[jazzy Italian crooner

music playing]

[loud chewing]

So, as youse know,

Chickie's been incapacilated.

That's medical for in a coma.

So I'm gonna take over.

Alright, one, two,

three, shake me ♪

-[funky music playing]

-[glasses clink]

[Nick]

Oh, Lucky.

-You're fashionably late.

-Shut up, Nick. You're fired.

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Says who, sweetheart?

You're not the boss of me.

You're not even Italian.

[th*gs laugh]

Express orders from

my new business partner,

Geraldine Gelato "Gigi" Lozano.

She's in Turks, maybe Caicos,

and she asked me to deliver

this message.

Uh-huh. I'm listenin'.

[g*n fires]

[b*llet shell clinks]

We're in charge now. Girl power.

You go, girl. All that crap.

Anyone have a problem with that?

Matthew?

-[machine g*nf*re]

-[debris clatters]

[shouting] Does anyone

have a problem with that?!

-[tense music playing]

-[th*gs muttering]

[Mir] Lucky Auntie,

this is his third late payment.

We've tried beating his a*s.

Have someone take care of it

or I'll do it myself.

Yeah, I'm getting brunch

with Chacho tomorrow.

Okay, bye.

Raj, you've been doing

this for days.

Let's go take a walk

to Pakora Palace.

You can go see Nandika.

Nah, I'm not going anywhere

until we find Ahmad.

You gotta check this out, okay?

Apparently,

Ahmad has a half brother

in the south of France

and, well, they have

no extradition laws over there.

So if I can tap into my network

of Corsican assassins

Okay, someone needs to get

out of the house. Let's go.

Just give me a couple

more minutes, man.

[Mir] Come on!

You gotta touch grass, buddy.

-It's a lot of yarn.

-Did you know

Ahmad Saeed isn't

his actual name?

It's actually Saeed Ahmad.

So the Aztecs would remove

the hearts of their victims

and then skin them alive,

and I thought that'd be perfect

for Ahmad because his

Alright. Alright.

Here's what I'm focused on.

We won.

The Peruvians are on our side.

-We're making a sh*t ton of money.

-That's true.

And the golf courses

are gonna take business

to the next level.

Raj, Baba's vision is

finally becoming a reality.

You're right. You're right.

We're thriving.

-[chuckles] Yeah.

-Yeah.

I skipped breakfast.

Wanna grab a burrito bowl?

-Okay.

-[expl*si*n booms]

[both gasp]

-[dogs barking]

-[car alarm blaring]

f*ck!

["Guillotine" by

Death Grips playing]

It goes Guillotine ♪

Yeah! ♪

♪♪

Sit in the dark and

ponder how I'm fit ♪

To make the bottom

fall through the floor ♪

And they all fall down ♪

Yeah! ♪

It goes, it goes, it goes,

it goes, it goes, it goes ♪

Yeah! ♪

Out of the shadows

barrage of witch tongue ♪

Cobra spit over apocalyptic

cult k*ller cauldron smoke ♪

Stomp music seriously,

yeah! ♪

It goes, it goes, it goes,

it goes, it goes, it goes ♪

Can't stop the groove

licks jaws ♪

Clear off them locks

relentless raw movement ♪

Fit to knock you from here

to that g-spot body rock connected ♪

To everything you want,

ever did want ♪

We got it why not come get it,

stick your head in that hole ♪

And watch me drop this

cold guillotine death sentence ♪

Yeah! ♪

Yeah! ♪

It goes, it goes,

it goes, it goes ♪

It goes, it goes,

it goes, it goes ♪

Guillotine ♪

Yeah! ♪

♪♪

Guillotine ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[music distorting,

voice echoing]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

-[voice echoing]

-[song fades out]

[fanfare playing]

[fanfare plays]