01x08 - Sweaty Boys

[bunniefuu]

-[dramatic tabla music playing]

-[Raj Dar] You knew about this?

[Prairie] No!

Raj, listen, there's no time.

The FBI's gonna be here at any second.

[Raj]

FBI? What?

-Huh?

-[door slams]

-FBI.

-FBI.

-FBI!

-FBI!

-[Agent Frances Mercer] FBI!

-[Director Brett Simpson] FBI!

sh*t.

f*cking Prairie.

God. Why would I trust her?

[Simpson]

Ah, go easy on yourself, Mercer.

Victory is preceded by lots of failure.

For me, it was years

of chasing the broken dream

of being a professional sports mascot.

Then after I got clean,

I thought, "Why not join the FBI?"

The rest is on the bestseller list.

Sir, you should see this.

[upbeat music playing]

Hey-h*, Señor Yayo.

Oh h* h* h* so lonely ♪

Are you there, Allah?

It's me, Mir.

I know we haven't spoken in a while,

but could you please

bring Raj home safely?

I promise I-I'll be a better brother,

a better boss, a better human.

I-I mean, I'll tip the full 20%.

I'll hold elevator doors open.

I won't tell a lie

except to, like, my fiancée,

her whole family, and the IRS.

But you understand.

♪♪

-Stop following me.

-I'm not gonna stop following you, Raj.

-How could you do this to me?

-Just let me explain.

Did you even love me?

Is love even real?

Is this, like, an elaborate hallucination?

Raj, you can't ask me big philosophical

questions like that and then zoom away.

Well, I don't wanna talk to you anymore.

You're not even gonna hear me out?

No. Okay? Because your lies put me

and my whole family in danger.

That crazy FBI lady

was gonna throw me in jail

on bullshit charges.

Plus I didn't think

you were doing criminal sh*t.

Because I was trying to protect you.

Raj, I'm so sorry I hurt you,

and I love you so much.

Can we please just figure this out?

No, you figure out how to leave me alone

because I never wanna see you again.

-[scooter whirring]

-[Prairie] Raj. Ugh.

[Raj] Oh. Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

-[screams] Oh, God!

-[thuds]

-[clattering]

-Ow! sh*t!

f*ck.

[panting]

I'm still alive?

Oh, thanks, man.

[sighs]

f*ck.

[funky upbeat music playing]

[g*nshots]

[b*llet shells clinking]

-[Mir Dar] What's that?

-We've gotta muscle up.

We need to be prepared in case

the Pho Brothers come back here

to finish the job.

Yeah, to think,

I ordered delicious takeout from them,

and now they're coming

after my f*cking family.

Wait. Since when are we your family?

I was kidnapped,

and you didn't do jack sh*t.

I'm gonna give you

the same advice you gave me

when you dumped me

on Chickie.

-Get over it. It's game time.

-[Lucky mutters]

And like it or not,

we're on the same team.

I pray nothing happened to Raj, son.

They could be turning him into

a rich marrow-y broth as we speak!

Can you both stop please?

If we're gonna find Raj,

we need all hands on deck.

Lucky Auntie, my wedding's

right around the corner. Okay?

Raj's wedding suit is tailored

and everything.

No other the grown man

specifically requests a size 28 waist

with extra room in the crotch

when he definitely doesn't need it.

[Raj]

Uh, yeah, I do.

Raj, you are alive. You're alive!

-[all laughing]

-[Ahmad] Thank God you're safe.

Oh. Ow!

Tell us, what did they do to you?

I will charge them

a severed appendage

for every single scratch

-[Pho Bro 1] She's wearing a wire.

-[Pho Bro 2] Grab the stuff and go.

-[Pho Bros clamoring]

-Prairie, what the f*ck?

You know what?

I just wanna turn my brain

on airplane mode

for, like, 15 minutes.

No, no, no. Of course, of course.

Go upstairs. Mir

[speaking foreign language]

-Ahmad and I will tend to things here.

-Cool.

Happy you are okay, my baby.

Thank you. I'm good, guys.

-We're good. We're all good.

-I'm so glad you're back, man.

Let's get you upstairs.

Get you some of that weed that you like.

-Hell yeah, dude.

-You know, I prayed for you.

It worked pretty quickly.

-What? You prayed?

-Yeah. Mm-hmm.

[hip-hop music playing in apartment]

I'm sorry. I know it's not

one of Prairie's exotic fishes

that sh*t steroids or whatever,

but ibuprofen should do the trick.

About that.

[sighs heavily]

Prairie and I actually broke up.

Oh, my God. Really?

I mean, weren't you guys

like the Ying Yang Twins?

-Twin Flames.

-Mm-hmm.

She did something really bad

that's hard to come back from.

Hey, come on. She has been with you

through thick and thin.

I mean, how bad could it have really been?

Pretty bad. I mean

she's kind of been talking

to Agent Mercer

and she's kind of been an informant

for her on the ill*gal sh*t

that we've been doing.

Please tell me you're kind of kidding.

And she was definitely wearing

a wire while I did a pickup.

A f*cking wire?! Are you kidding me?!

-We're so f*cked!

-I know. I know.

This is bad! This is really bad!

Relax, okay?

She told me that she didn't tell them

any of the important stuff.

Raj, she lied to you,

she's trying to send us to jail!

And while you would thrive

in a cool g*ng of Muslim converts

over, like, literature,

sports, and Sufism,

I would become someone's chew toy,

and you know it!

I know it sounds bad, dude.

But they were threatening her

with jail time.

I'm sorry.

Do you feel bad for her?

No!

Oh, my God.

Yes. f*ck! Yeah, I do.

Oh, my God. We have to tell them.

No, hey! We don't have

to tell them, okay?

We can handle this, man.

Just you and me, the two of us.

This is over our f*cking heads. Okay?

This is a threat to the entire operation.

-I have to tell them.

-No, Mir.

Come on, man. They are both

loose cannons, and you know it.

We don't know what they're gonna do,

but you, man, you're smart, dude.

-You have a business degree.

-Mm-hmm.

You, like, read

hella memoirs and sh*t.

-Yeah.

-You're a brilliant guy.

I'm confident in you

that you can come up

with something on the DL.

Come on.

Sorry. I blacked out

after you complimented me.

We have to tell Lucky Auntie

and Ahmad Uncle, okay?

They're seasoned criminals.

I'm sure they'll come up

with a levelheaded solution.

-That two-faced fairy f*ck!

-Traitor!

She's f*cked us.

We're finished.

[laughing] We're finished.

When I see her, I'm gonna f*cking rip

her f*cking teeth out!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Guys, come on. Come on.

Let's just all take a deep breath. Okay?

And we can talk about this.

We can figure it out.

Hey. Yeah. We don't know

what the feds know,

and we don't know

what the feds don't know.

Right? And even if

she has talked,

who can follow a word that she says?

People usually check out

after the third time she says "Chakra."

-We're f*cked!

-f*cked!

-Because Raj can't see beyond his d*ck!

-d*ck!

Hey, it's not my d*ck. Okay?

It's my heart. We were in love.

I know what you're

going through is tough.

I loved a traitor once,

and then I k*lled him

and f*cked his cousin.

Just a circle of life. I need

to think. I'm gonna think.

-What?

-Okay, just to be clear,

are we putting a pin

in the Pho Brothers trying to k*ll us?

Lucky for us, Prairie just stunk up

the whole block.

No one's gonna attack us

with the feds up our a*s.

Issue is the feds are f*cking up our a*s.

-I'm sorry, Auntie.

-Hey, buddy.

-It's not your fault.

-[Lucky and Ahmad] Yes it is!

We have to talk to the Maaliks.

We can't keep them in the dark.

-We have to.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, guys, we can't do that. Okay?

If we tell the Maaliks,

they're gonna lose their sh*t.

The Maaliks have seen

much worse than this.

-They are professionals.

-Yes.

They will see a way through this.

Hello? Are you frozen?

I think they're having Wi-Fi problems.

No, we're frozen with f*cking shock.

As Chief Communications Maalik,

I can confirm there is no way out of this.

And we are, respectfully,

f*cked from all angles.

If we're dissolving, please deposit

my last two paychecks

into my offshore accounts in The Bahamas.

Alright, gentlemen,

let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Could you put a statement in my file

that I knew the boys would fail all along?

-Everybody knew, chutiya.

-No, no, no.

We didn't fail, okay?

Mir has an idea.

-Mir, tell them the idea.

-Yes. I do have a lot of great ideas.

One of them coming to me right now is

what if we blow up the FBI?

-Jesus.

-That I, I didn't mean that.

All in favor of ending

the probationary period of Raj and Mir.

-[Maaliks] Hanjee.

-No, no, no, no, that's not

Gentlemen, we are thriving. Okay?

We've already paid off

a huge chunk of our Peruvian debts

since taking over the business.

-This is just a slight oversight.

-Tiny

The deadline is less than a week away.

We'll never make it

with the feds circling.

What if we all get plastic surgery,

you know, like Face/Off?

And then no one will recognize us

and we can keep doing business.

-Oh, great idea.

-[Mir] What if we release

all the animals at the zoo,

and then people will just be talking

about that and we can do business?

I motion that we put

Operation Titanic into effect.

-Oh, no!

-No, no, no, no, no

-All in favor of jumping ship.

-[Maaliks] Hanjee.

Motion passed.

That wa

No, that wasn't even a majority.

I suggest you tie up loose ends

and k*ll the rat.

k*ll. Did you say k*ll?

-k*ll the rat.

-[Raj] We-we're not,

we're not k*lling Prairie, guys.

Okay, gentlemen, gentlemen.

I can fix this, okay?

Just give me until the end

of the day, I can handle this.

Chutiya, by that time,

we will be halfway

to Lahore with fake passports

and a cooler full of cheesesteaks.

-Meeting adjourned.

-f*ck!

A cheesesteak sounds

so good right now.

Oh, my God.

-Turn it off.

-Yeah, we should hang up.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um

-I think it's

-This side? This side.

-Right side.

-End call. It says "end call."

I think I just opened up iTunes.

[Mercer] She says the wire

got busted in a g*ng fight,

which I believe because

she's pretty shaken up.

Did you tell her that

we found some powder?

No.

And all we have so far is cocaine

found in a warehouse.

Sir, we wanna get them on RICO.

Intent to distribute.

I want the whole damn ladder

top to bottom.

I wanna pin them to a wall

and f*ck them

with a pogo stick.

I like everything you're saying

and how you're saying it.

These guys are done-zo.

You're f*ck' right.

Hey, go f*ck yourself!

f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you! [grunting]

Yeah! Yeah, you like that?

You like that? Uhh!

So that, um

that's not one of those, uh

No, that's just regular glass.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I see that.

Is she looking at me?

-Watch this.

-Ah, okay.

Let's take a beat before

we go in there, huh?

-Yeah.

-[Lucky] Focus, everyone.

Anything that links us

to ill*gal activity must go.

Drug stuff, weapon stuff, m*rder stuff.

Then we go to Pakora Palace.

Okay, I know I messed up,

but I can figure something out.

-Okay? We could, uh

-You gotta think, man!

-You want a dab?

-[Mir] No!

Maybe. I don't know!

We've been doing so well.

Charlie and I were planning

a mini-vacay to Tulum.

Gee, Ahmad, do you think

you could bring

your van around please?

-[Ahmad] Yeah, sure.

-Since when have you had a van?

Since Charlie upgraded

his Rascal Scooter,

it no longer fits in my f*cking Fiat.

[Lucky] [whispering]

Raj, come here.

[Mir] [sniffing]

Ew. What is that smell?

Drakkar Noir. Murderwalla was right.

Did you keep Hamza's hand?

Can you f*cking get rid of that

before Ahmad comes back?

-Woo!

-[Mir groans]

[door slams]

Why am I here?

What are you charging me with?

I'm not playing today.

You are dangerously close

to being put away

for a long, long time.

Okay, chill.

I've done everything

you've asked.

You've done great, Prairie.

[Prairie]

They're not doing anything ill*gal.

Raj's Pluto is in his fourth house,

which means crazy upheaval.

So maybe that's what

the FBI is picking up on.

There's a strong chance

that you are the worst mole in the history

-of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

-[Prairie scoffs]

-Okay, well, your roots are showing.

-Whoa.

Well, you've done okay.

[lid clatters]

That's a lot of coke.

And we have undeniable proof

that Raj intended to sell it.

We need you to get details

on their distribution

so we can go after their g*ng.

If you do, maybe we can go easier on Raj.

[dramatic music playing]

[Lucky]

Okay.

That should be everything. [sighs]

We need to move this load discreetly.

I can't believe it. [sighs]

Just like that,

this whole thing that we built,

that, that Baba built

is going to be gone.

Yeah. Well, we don't have

any other choice. [sighs]

Okay. That's not true. Okay?

Just give me a minute.

I can figure something out. Okay?

-I just need to think. Okay?

-[doorbell chimes]

They found the cocaine

in the achar at the warehouse,

and they're coming to arrest you all.

You must be f*cking kidding me.

-Prairie, ge-get outta here.

-Raj, I'm so sorry. You know I love you.

I know. I love you too.

Please go.

Ahmad, lock the door.

[Prairie gasps]

-We're gonna make this quick.

-No. Lucky, no. Ahmad, we-we

-Ahmad, door, now!

-Mir, back me up. Mir, back me up!

Mir, be a good little boy and just tackle

your brother to the ground.

Okay. In his defense,

you cannot k*ll an active FBI bug.

-Oh, for f*ck's sake!

-[Raj and Ahmad grunting]

-She's the bug.

-[Ahmad] Stop it! [grunts]

Make the bug a feature!

My God, you're all insane!

[Ahmad]

Let go! [grunts]

[g*n c*ck]

Where the f*ck do you think you're going?

[dramatic music playing]

-[dramatic music playing]

-[traffic noise, sirens wail]

You need a non-digital watch.

Agent Mercer, you have

to help me! They're insane.

Prairie. What the hell

happened to you?

They tried to k*ll me.

They all ganged up on me.

I barely escaped with my life.

You gotta find me a place to hide.

Okay. Y-yeah, I-I could

I could see us helping you out.

Maybe put her in witness protection?

Did you find out

where they distribute from?

[Prairie]

I saw it.

Pakora Palace,

the one on Fontaine Street.

I've done it again.

[coworkers weakly applaud]

How is a cartoon movie

better than people?

I think feel like cartoons are

consistently better than people.

People are, like, limited

by their corporeal forms.

Cartoons can do anything.

-But it's a cartoon.

-You're not understand

-FBI!

-[Simpson] FBI!

Hands where I can see 'em!

Fan out.

What's going on?

Why don't you make

everyone's lives a little easier

and show me the achar?

Leave us alone, assholes!

Hold up. I got this.

[police radio chatter]

Why don't you make

everyone's lives a little easier

and show me the achar?

-You.

-[dramatic music playing]

[whistles]

The mother lode.

Well, go on. I'm not getting

this outfit dirty.

[agents laugh]

[dramatic music continues]

[Mercer sighs]

What?

[achar squelches]

Where are the drugs?

I know there's drugs here.

[sighs] Where are the f*cking drugs?!

f*ck me!

-[agents laugh]

-f*ck!

No, no, no, no.

f*ck! No, no, no. f*ck!

I know there are drugs here. f*ck!

f*ck! What the f*ck?

Where are the f*cking drugs in here?

-f*ck!

-[agents laugh]

[agent]

Is she gonna cry?

[laughing continues]

Hey, listen up.

Yeah, this was a big fail,

and she's hella embarrassed.

But Mercer is one of us.

So what are we gonna do about it?

We're gonna get the bad guys

as a team.

[Mercer scoffs]

[Simpson stirs achar]

[Mercer sighs]

[smacks lips]

This is pretty tasty.

[Simpson coughs]

[group cheering, whooping]

f*ck yeah! I'm a god.

-[Prairie and Raj sigh]

-I just outsmarted

the legit

Federal Bureau of Investigation!

More like,

"The f*cking Boobs Innit?" [laughs]

[horn honks]

Ahmad, you are driving

our entire inventory of cocaine.

So, eyes on the road and

can you turn down the Boney M., please?

I'm so f*cking proud of you.

You really came through for us.

Yeah. Thanks to my ingenious plan.

Now our hands are clean.

The FBI's been thwarted once and for all.

I'd like to see them try

to f*ck with us again!

-Hell yeah, man.

-[Mir laughs]

And someone tell the Maaliks we got

an all-hands tomorrow, 9:00 a.m. sharp.

Okay, hearing Mir gloat

is making me nauseous.

Yep. Me too.

[Lucky] [on phone] Thank you again,

Prairie, for all your help.

No, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for not k*lling me.

Oh, no, no, of course, of course.

So here's the plan.

Prairie's handler will meet you

at the Lancaster location.

Then he will drive her

to a train stop far from town

with, uh, $20K and a new ID.

Thank you so much,

Lucky Auntie.

You have no idea

how much this means to me.

Just remember, beta,

everything I do for you

is in your best interest.

["Rasputin" by Boney M.

playing on radio]

[Mir]

There we are.

[Raj chuckles]

I'm sorry for things I said

when we were fighting, my queen.

You know I know, my king.

-I know.

-[Prairie chuckles]

Oh. I think that's him.

That is not what I pictured

for a guy who helps you disappear.

Okay. Um, goodbye, Mir.

Eat some fennel seeds

and sleep on your back

to soothe

your sensitive belly.

-Noted. Thanks.

-Mm-hmm.

No goodbyes, my love.

See you in the liminal space.

Okay.

[Mir sighs]

What if I went with her?

Are you being f*cking serious?

Come on, man. There's a new way to life.

We can get out of this sh*t, man.

We can start something new.

Tallahassee, man.

-You can come, too.

-I don't wanna go, Raj.

This is our life now.

It's just not who I am, bro.

Look at me. We got this.

We just convinced seasoned gangsters

to spare a rat.

We are changing this business

for the better. Okay?

We're like the guiding light

of Dark DarCo.

Think if Baba could see us right now.

I can't do this without you.

[sighs] Okay.

I'm just gonna give her

one last hug.

-I'll B-R-B.

-Yeah.

[muffled hip-hop music plays in car]

[metal clatters]

Hey, man. Please, uh, take care

of my girl, would you?

[sniffs]

Is that Drakkar Noir?

I am the boy with the vision ♪

And my words are vicious, yeah ♪

Huh. It's funny.

A guy once told me that

that was the best way

to cover up the smell of a body.

[hip-hop music

continues playing in Mir's car]

-Oh, sh*t.

-Oh, sh*t.

-Uh-oh.

-It's a f*cking setup.

Prairie, get the f*ck

outta here right now.

-What?

- Run, run, run. Go!

-[door thudding]

-[both grunt]

Run, Prairie, run! Run!

That girl is so fine

I wanna make ♪

[Mir]

Hey, come back!

[assassin]

Ah!

-[punch thuds]

-[assassin groans]

f*ck! Ow!

-[assassin] f*ck.

-[Raj yells]

-Damn it!

-What the f*ck is going on?

It's a setup, man.

We gotta run. Let's go.

[assassin groaning]

[engine revs]

[tires screeching]

Can't believe Lucky

and Ahmad tried to f*ck us.

I can. They think

they're f*ck' running this sh*t?

f*ck that. We're in charge now. Go!

[tires screeching]

["Monkey Fight Snake"

by The Bombay Royale playing]

♪♪

[song fades out]

[fanfare playing]

[fanfare plays]