01x05 - Jersey Boys

[bunniefuu]

[Raj Dar] We're the new heads

of the Dar crime organization.

[Mir Dar]

We propose that you make us

the exclusive distributor in West Philly.

[voice echoing]

-[banging on door]

-[both] Ah!

-What the f*ck?!

-FBI or Bushra?

[Lucky] This place is a pigsty!

Worse. Lucky.

[upbeat music playing]

Ahmad here scored us invites

to Chickie's Super Bowl party.

-You serious?

-Oh, hell yeah!

Where you left me for dead, remember?

'Cause I do.

Can you move on already?

You're still alive, for God's sake.

Anyway, this is the most exclusive party

in Philly's underbelly.

Basically, it is the Met Ball

for the local crime world.

This is your chance

to pitch Chickie

on expanding the business to sell

Raj's new coke in West Philly.

Holy sh*t!

It's game day,

m*therf*ckers. Let's go!

[Lucky] Cover up

your pee-pee, Raj.

It's time for business.

[Ahmad]

Oh, shut up, Mir.

[funky upbeat music playing]

[g*nshots]

[b*llet shells clinking]

[upbeat jazz music playing]

-[metal detector chirps]

-[people chattering]

[Lucky]

g*n.

sil*ncer.

-Brass knuckles.

-[knuckles clatter]

Alright.

Come on.

Phone. Wallet.

Inhaler.

let yourself be free ♪

Romance is ♪

Why they dance the samba ♪

Come dance ♪

And try romance with me ♪

Together ♪

To the left are the guys

who run Clark Park.

[whispering] Don't wave.

-[whispers] Sorry.

-Goddammit.

The Pho Brothers are already

neck deep up Chickie's a*s.

They got here early.

Clever little f*ck.

Anyone else afraid?

Yeah, a little bit.

Ooh, the pretzel statue.

Dude, check it out.

I could've gone pro.

Hey, Lucky, cute pants.

-Gucci?

-T.J.

I just rock them that good.

Go off, queen.

Who are these dorks?

Pleased to make

your acquaintance.

My name is Mir Dar,

and this is my brother Raj Dar.

Hello.

Gigi. Chickie's daughter.

Raj and Mir took over

the business after their dad died.

Well, it must be nice.

My dad won't let me work with him

'cause he's a f*cking boomer

who thinks women

can't be involved in business!

I thought it was

because you shattered

both of Vinnie's eye sockets

when he sh*t-talked Lady Gaga.

He had plenty

of good seeing days.

He really did.

Is your mother here?

-No, she's in Florida. She hates the cold.

-Mm.

And by that, I mean

she's getting a neck lift.

[Lucky chuckles]

Chickie.

Hi. Behaving yourself?

Am I behaving myself?

-[scoffs] What am I, 10?

-[Lucky chuckles]

I should set this place on fire.

Again!

-Nice to meet you.

-So scary.

She's nice sometimes.

When she's sleeping.

-[both laughing]

-So good.

-Chickay!

-Ahmad, my man.

Where's your boyfriend?

Oh, dialysis.

Sunday's still Sunday

when you've got ketchup for blood.

-Mr. Lasagna, I

-It's Lozano, actually.

-Sorry.

-Sir, we really would love

to talk to you

about expansion.

Expansion?

Big boy pants over here.

[Mir]

Yes, sir.

We really would love

to talk to you in private

if you have a few minutes.

Baby wants his bottle.

Okay. My office downstairs

in five minutes.

[curious music playing]

Oh, Director Simpson!

I was not expecting you.

[sighs] Couldn't find anyone

to come back you up.

Lucky for you, I got zero going on

on the personal front.

Same.

So, what's the haps?

[Mercer] The Dars are in there

with a boatload

of Philly organized crime.

-We got 'em.

-Mm-mm.

Not until we prove it.

Now, we gotta slow play this.

You and I have

a lot of time to k*ll.

Speaking of,

think it's time for your boy

to do what he does best.

Uh, sir, I'm very flattered,

-but that is not

-Oh.

I'm not talking

about that thang.

I'm talking about

what I do second best.

Go undercover.

Oh.

Wait, you were thinking what?

Me and you? No.

[chuckles]

No offense,

but you're not my type.

I like a short, bossy brunette.

Like someone who's like,

[in whiny voice]

"We gotta be here at this time."

"What are you doing?

Saturday we have plans."

[normal]

That's the good stuff.

[mouthing]

He's with the Pho Bros.

He's saying something about

Chickie has furry ba*ls?

[inaudible]

[Raj]

What is he saying?

[Ahmad] I think he's saying

Chickie has fibroids?

-That's so sad. Oh my

-He's saying, "Pho Brothers."

I'm an expert lip reader.

I know stuff about Travis

and Taylor you would not believe.

So, I guess I should tell my dad

that you were eavesdropping.

-Oh, Gigi. Come on. Don't.

-[Raj] You don't have to do that.

-Come on.

-I'm not a rat.

Unless it seems fun.

Then I would be a rat.

[Lucky chuckles]

If I had a little sister,

it would be someone like you.

Be more like Gigi, boys.

Yeah, be more like me.

Let me see what these jokers are saying.

-Mm, their family wants West Philly.

-[Mir and Raj sigh]

They're saying

they really deserve it.

Now my dad's saying

some bullshit.

I just check out

whenever he starts talking.

It literally sounds like,

blah, blah, blah, blah.

-Bluh, bluh, bluh, bluh, bluh.

-[lock rattles]

[door creaks]

-The f*ck you doing?

-What are you doing?

We're wrapping up in here.

-A gift for you, Chickie.

-Oh.

-The boss of bosses.

-Beautiful.

It's going in the vault.

[Vietnamese hip-hop music plays]

-[Big Pho] It's the pickle crew.

-[Little Pho chuckles]

I could smell you from in there.

All I smell is Grade F beef,

you b*tches.

[Little Pho scoffs]

Okay.

Come on in. Uh, not you, Gigi.

We're doing business.

Oh, okay. The mooks

can come in, but not me?

Alright. Yeah.

I'll be in the garage

cutting your brake line.

[whispering]

You three right here

-[door thuds]

-[lock beeping]

[Lucky whispering]

[Chickie Lozano] Yeah, I built up quite

a collection over the years.

Wow.

You know, I got something

of your dad's in there.

It's a Dawkins jersey

from back in the day.

Whoa! You got Baba's jersey?

I won it off him

in a dice game.

That's so awesome, Mr. Lasagna.

You know, we don't

really have much

of Baba's keepsakes

because of the frickin' FBI.

[Mir]

Mm-hmm.

Do you mind if we take

that one home?

It's mine.

I mean, but, like,

we don't really have anything.

Yeah. Just moving along.

Moving along.

Let's make this quick.

I don't wanna miss the hologram

of Mario Lanza dancing with Gritty.

-Icons upon icons, here we go.

-I get it.

Hey, Raj, fellow business

classmate of mine.

Would you like to try

some of this bargain blow?

Sure. [sniffs]

-[Lucky chuckles]

-[Raj] Oh, no!

I have

to sh*t immediately.

[Mir] I know, it's because

it's mostly baby laxatives,

but you should try

this new blend,

which is now 80% pure cocaine.

Whoa, that's way better!

I'm high as a kite,

and my diarrhea is cured.

[Mir] Sir, I've crunched the numbers,

and we can triple our profits

and, by extension,

yours by the third quarter.

Mr. Lasagna,

drugs are my passion.

And I know with this blow

we can make Philly

the cocaine capital

[Lucky/Mir/Raj]

Of the world.

[Lucky chuckles]

[Chickie inhales deeply]

Yeah, it's a no.

You guys are real cute.

But who we kidding? Huh?

Yous ain't ready. Gigi.

-What?

-[Chickie] Meeting is over.

The Pho Brothers

have been doing this

way longer than you two.

I have to go with experience.

Take our friends

to the kids' table.

[clicks tongue] Oh. I'm really sorry

it didn't work out for you guys.

-[Mir] Thank you, that means a lot.

-[Raj] Thank you

[chuckles] I'm kidding.

I don't care, like, at all.

-[Mir groans]

-Come on.

Sir, you'll be

too exposed in there.

I still think this is too risky.

For you, maybe.

They know who you are.

But they've never met

[in Italian accent]

Joey from Fishtown.

What are you lookin' at?

[normal accent]

k*ller, huh?

Yep.

So, camera's set.

Okay, I have reception,

so if anything goes wrong in there,

-you signal me by saying

-No.

No. Look at me.

[snaps fingers]

Look at me.

I am looking at you.

Never interfere with

an undercover mission.

No matter what happens,

you stay in the van.

No safe words.

You got that?

-Yeah.

-No safe words.

Got it, sir.

Good.

You're about to receive

a MasterClass.

No subscription necessary.

[in Italian accent] 'Ey, what kind of food

you got in this place? Come on.

[normal accent]

Alright, I'm ready to go.

[TV announcer]

That was an incredible first half.

What a game we have going here

Can't believe I'm stuck here

with you mooks.

We're not mooks. Okay?

We're the bosses.

And we shouldn't even be

at the kids' table.

Right.

[whispers] What's a mook?

They conquered Spain

in the 8th century.

That can't be true.

[child]

f*ck you, you bag of sh*t!

I f*cked your grandma.

You probably would f*ck

that ugly hoe!

My nephews.

So would they have

the same grandma?

Yeah, my mother.

[sighs]

This place sucks!

We shouldn't be here.

We should be over there!

I should be over there.

[people chattering]

Eh, what's wrong

with this f*ck' orange?

[Lucky]

That's not an oran

-f*ck oranges.

-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

So, Chickie, would you like

to try a pick-me-up?

Maybe, you know,

give our new blend a shot?

Oh, hey, no business right now, doll.

It's the biggest day of the year.

Yeah, rude, doll.

Some broads, you can't take

'em anywhere. Am I right?

[Chickie and Ahmad laughing]

Look, at the next commercial break,

we're gonna go to the adults' table.

Okay? I know we can

still convince him.

Will you give it up?

He's never gonna give you a chance.

He won't even let me in.

And I'm way smarter than you two.

And a therapist once said

I had little to no conscience.

That's terrifying.

Hey, Gigi, do you know

how to get into your dad's vault?

Ooh, that's interesting.

Yeah, the combo's

his own birthday.

-f*cking narcissist.

-Raj, what are you talking about?

Baba's jersey. I want it.

We cannot steal

from Chickie's vault.

Not only will he not

give us the territory,

he will skin us alive.

Yeah, he will.

Ooh, I'm into this.

But the jersey, Mir,

it's, like, calling me.

I hear it. It is calling you.

Yeah, Mir. I need

to see the jersey.

I have this distinct memory

of getting Cheez Whiz

all over that thing

when I was a kid.

That was me.

It was a white Dawkins jersey.

Mooks! There is only

one way to settle this.

Mir, I know you want

to see it too.

Come on.

Fine.

You're a f*cking troublemaker.

-You flirting with me?

-No. Uh

Chickie, about West Philly

What you really

should be doing

is getting me another one

of these beers.

Grab it yourself,

fish sauce breath.

Hey, don't talk

to my brother like that.

And stick to your side

of the Schuylkill

unless you want

a Dao Vua to the chest.

A Dao Vua to my

Try me, noodle boy.

Oh, that should have gone

in the basket.

Uh, I apologize, Chickie.

Basket.

Aw! Nom nom nom nom nom.

-b*tch.

-Can't take her nowheres.

[lock beeping]

[vault door creaks]

[Gigi sighs]

[mellow jazzy music playing]

Uh, welcome to Philadelphia's museum

of contemporary bullshit.

Whoa.

The first cheese steak, petrified.

Uh, Black Thought's first lunchbox.

It's kind of cool, actually.

Vince Papale's bar rag.

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

Ship in a bottle.

Who gives a f*ck?

Championship rings.

There's one missing.

I sold it. [laughs]

Mm, Kevin Bacon's baby tooth.

M. Night Shyamalan's

original iPhone.

[Raj]

Yo, Chickie's collection is sick.

Look at this little guy.

And my dad's pride and joy,

good ol' Uncle Frank Rizzo.

Ew. The as*h*le r*cist mayor?

Yeah. And my dad's hero.

Can you believe that sh*t?

He made him wanna be a mob boss.

Wait, you knew that your dad was

in the mob your whole life?

-He never hid it from you?

-I mean, yeah.

But I didn't see him k*ll anybody

until I was 12.

He's not insane.

Our dad kept us out

of the business our whole lives.

So, you hate him, right?

-No.

-No, he's dead.

We actually miss him a lot.

Maybe you should appreciate

that you still got yours.

Yeah. Maybe I should.

-[chuckles] f*ck you.

-Oh.

-What?

-We gotta get outta here.

No, we gotta find that

f*cking jersey, dude.

-[TV announcer] Touchdown! Philadelphia.

-[all cheering]

[TV announcer] Right as time expires

at the end of the third quarter.

[whispering]

I would really appreciate it

if you wouldn't undermine me

in front of Chickie.

I'm trying to close the deal.

So piss off.

What?

Look,

the boys screwed it

with Chickie.

They should never have

been made Chief Saab.

I should be the boss.

Chickie even said so when

we were hanging out together.

But you f*cking

stole it from me.

Hold on. I stole it from you?

I should have been

the Chief Saab.

Baba never wanted you

to be Chief Saab!

He told you that to your face.

Don't pretend like it never happened.

I was there.

[game playing on TV]

[Ahmad]

Yeah.

But Baba's dead, isn't he?

[Mir chuckles]

This is it. I found it!

It's Baba's jersey.

Look, it's got the cheese splotch

on it and everything.

I told you it was

a white Dawkins jersey.

It was my memory.

[Baba] [echoing]

Yes! Yes! Gimme five.

[Baba laughing] Whoa!

Holy monkey.

Okay, boys, get out of here.

I have to do some work.

[echoing]

I forgot my foam finger.

[echoing]

Shh.

[Mir] Raj.

[snapping fingers]

Raj. Snap out of it.

-[smacks head]

-Whoa.

I knew Baba was a drug dealer.

-What are you talking about?

-The jersey.

It unearthed a memory.

I saw him stuffing coke

inside a MegaGlug.

You knew who Baba was

this whole time?

Ooh.

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Fight.

How could you not tell me?

It was buried, man.

Like, really f*cking deep.

That's how I deal

with all my hard memories.

I put 'em in my memory palace,

and now it's open.

Oh, no.

Here comes a lot more sh*t.

I fed you a centipede

when you were six.

Alan Iverson only agreed

to meet you

because I told him you were

a Make-A-Wish kid.

-I had a b*ner at Dadi's funeral.

-I knew it.

[Gigi grunting]

Take that, you son of a b*tch.

What the f*ck are you doing?

She's getting in trouble.

f*ck. Hey, come back here

with Frank Rizzo's ear.

[suspenseful music playing]

I'm going around the back.

Watch and learn from the master.

Yo.

Raj, we gotta find her

or we're f*cked.

I started the rumor

about you having three ba*ls.

I catfished you

on AOL instant messenger.

Raj, shut up! Stop.

Okay, thank you

for ruining my life.

I had a f*cked-up sense

of humor back then, man.

I didn't know

you were gonna fall in love

with MasalaMommy1989.

That's not what

I'm talking about.

[sighs]

Raj, if I knew Baba

was a drug dealer,

I wouldn't have spent my entire life

trying to be like him.

But you are like him, man.

Like, without even trying.

In a great way.

You think so?

Okay. Okay.

Who the f*ck are you?

[Director Simpson]

Who the f*ck are you? [laughs]

-[grunting]

-Oh, oh.

-Uhh.

-Ooh!

[Director Simpson]

[coughs] Take it easy.

[groaning]

They're gonna k*ll him.

[Director Simpson]

Help. Help me.

Help.

Nobody's gonna help you,

you f*ck!

[dogs barking]

[breathing heavily]

I'm not crying. Those guys

kicked dirt in my eyes.

I got a couple good shots in there.

After the lapel pin fell off.

[heavy breaths]

-[game playing on TV]

-Excuse me. Sorry. Yeah.

Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry, guys.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

[Ahmad sighs]

Chickie, let's talk about

West Philly, man to man.

Man to man,

your crew isn't tight.

You and Lucky hate each other.

These young guys at the head,

they don't have the grit.

Doesn't give me

the confidence I need

to give you more territory.

I don't even know

who I am anymore.

What am I doing?

I'm at a mobster's house

trying to gain drug territory?

Yeah.

It's pretty messed up.

You really think

I'm like Baba?

Put your arms up.

I'm gonna put this on.

[solemn sitar music playing]

Get your head through.

[sighs]

It fits.

-It fits.

-[both laugh]

I'm sorry my brain

is so f*cked up, man.

But if I got to shield you

from any of this bullshit

then it was worth it.

That's what Baba was doing

with us, I guess.

Yeah.

[Chickie]

Get me the Dar boys!

-Oh, sh*t.

-f*ck.

[Mir]

Okay, let's go. Let's go.

[game playing on TV]

[Mir and Raj panting]

Is this, uh, some kind

of, like, retaliation

fo-for not giving you West Philly?

No, not retaliation. Okay?

We swear we didn't do anything.

Mr. Lasagn Lozano.

I know it looks bad

but if you let me explain

[TV announcer] turn of events,

the Eagles have lost the game

76-6.

-Oh, g*dd*mn.

-Oh.

Everybody out!

Party's over.

-Alright. Thank you for the hospitality.

-[Lucky] Out!

You assholes stay right here!

Nick, get in here.

[Gigi Lozano]

I did it.

I took Rizzo's ear.

And I gave 'em

that stupid jersey too.

Why would you do this?

Felt like it.

Mr. Lasagna,

your daughter is calculating

and deceitful

and for sure crazy.

All the qualities one needs

to be a good gangster.

[Mir]

Don't take it for granted.

Our dad kept us outta

the business to protect us.

And now we'll never know

what it's like

to work together as a family.

And I don't know

if we'll ever get over it.

Don't make the same mistake

our Baba did.

You still have a chance.

I was just trying

to protect you,

but now I gotta let you fly,

like an eagle.

I'm ready to fly, Daddy.

And these guys

aren't total mooks.

I mean, I don't hate them.

-Aw.

-See? She likes us.

And while I have

your ear, I'm kidding,

I'd like to tell you why

we should get West Philly.

'Cause we're gonna make you

a f*ck-ton of money.

It's that simple.

The ba*ls on these guys.

[Baba] This product will be shipped

to every ABC Deli

across the Delaware Valley

on a weekly basis.

What do you say, Chickie?

West Philly's yours.

-What? Really?

-[Raj laughing]

Oh, my God.

Thank you so much, sir.

-Thank you so much.

-Oh, hell yeah. [laughs]

No one believed

in your father either.

You know, I gave him a chance,

and it paid off.

I promise we will not disappoint you.

-We won't.

-Pho Brothers might be

a little disappointed,

but we'll not disappoint you.

[Chickie]

Things went a different way.

Sometimes the favorite

doesn't win.

That's why

I bet against the Eagles

and made a fortune today.

-A smart man.

-Genius.

A smart man.

It's the next generation's turn.

Come here.

-I'm coming

-No.

[whispering]

I think he means Gigi.

-Right, right, right.

-Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

That makes sense.

Father-daughter.

[Mir] Yeah.

Daddy, let's fire Nick.

I hate him.

[upbeat music playing]

Why are you guys still here?

-Oh, sorry. Yes.

-Let's get outta here. Let's go.

-Thank you for the hospitality once again.

-[Mir] Thank you.

[upbeat hip-hop music playing]

♪♪

Groundbreakin', earth shakin' ♪

Moves I've been makin'

been plannin' for decades ♪

And now it's time

for the execution ♪

And to execute, spread my roots

let's get loose, uhh ♪

You ain't never seen

half man, half machine ♪

All beast, ha ♪

Still sayin' the least

prepare yourself a feast ♪

Get yourself a priest ♪

Yeah, it's hard to believe ♪

One man can leave

so much carnage in the streets ♪

-Yeah ♪

-The fact is that he's ♪

Hot as the sunshine

and cool as a breeze ♪

Yeah, a lion gotta eat ♪

Gotta bite somethin'

while I got all these teeth ♪

Yeah, so when you see me

in the street ♪

Do yourself a favor, homie

don't get seen ♪

You keep lookin' for it ♪

You gonna get it ♪

You been warned ♪

But you ain't been listenin' ♪

This ain't what you

been thinkin' you would get ♪

Knock you down

you won't get back up again ♪

Do yourself a favor

don't you come around here ♪

Ain't nothin' but a problem

waitin' for you 'round here ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Ah, yeah ♪

[song ends]

[fanfare plays]