01x02 - Deadly Boys

[bunniefuu]

["Total Wreck" by Bahamadia

playing on car radio]

Hello? Ma'am? Hello?

I-is this your car? You can't park here.

-Boom.

-[gasps]

["Total Wreck" continues playing]

In my stid I'll hops ♪

At the top like fizz and soda pop ♪

The effect of my flics

hit you like a judo chop ♪

[funky upbeat music playing]

[g*n firing]

[b*llet shells clinking]

[indistinct chatter]

Salaam, salaam.

What the f*ck is happening, Lucky?

Hey! Nothing we can't handle.

Just need a plan.

I'm not taking my shoes off

inside the house.

-I hate that bullshit.

-Like hell you won't.

[speaks native language]

b*stard.

Ek minute, okay?

[speaks native language]

[Raj and Mir on video clamoring]

[Raj Dar] What are we gonna do, man?

I don't know where he is.

Oh, my God. What idiots.

[Raj] [through phone]

Is he dead or

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

f*ck!

Stop screaming! You're making it worse.

You stop screaming!

We gotta think about this. Okay?

We gotta go hide somewhere

unfathomably far from here.

Florida?

-Yes.

-[phones buzzing]

Oh, God, it's Lucky Auntie.

Okay. Whatever you do,

do not pick up the phone.

Lucky Auntie, hi. Uh, w-what's good?

Uh, you know, we're just

at the deli doing deli things.

Being, being deli guys.

I can see you.

There's a camera up there. Look.

-Huh?

-[Lucky] Up. Left.

Other left.

[through phone] Up, up.

What the hell is going on there?

Hi, Lucky Auntie. It's Mir Dar.

We were talking,

and we think we're better suited

to doing something

other than running this front.

[Raj] We're gonna run away

to Tallahassee, Florida.

Shut the f*ck up. That ship has sailed.

Look, we're in crisis point here. Hold on.

If this meeting with the board

doesn't go well, we're all dead.

-Dead?

-What board?

The board. The

You know what? [sighs]

I don't have time to explain

the ill*gal drug business

to you two baby men.

Okay? I just need to go in there

[on phone]

and take control of stuff right now.

Wait. Is that why you tried

to k*ll Hamza?

[jarring music plays]

-[g*nsh*t]

-[blood spatters]

What do you mean "tried"?

[gasping, panting]

[both panting]

-Oh, I

-Well, he just

He's just, like, not dead, like, at all.

[Mir Dar] H-h-he's-he's like half-dead.

[Raj] Well, he-he's half-dead,

and he got up and ran away

and we sort of lost him.

[whispering] What do you mean not dead?

You need to go, you need

to f*cking find him.

You need to k*ll him,

and you need to put him in the apartment

upstairs of the deli, okay?

There's an apartment above the deli?

-You hear me? You need to

-[Ali] Yo.

[Lucky speaks native language]

-Almost done.

-Okay.

[Lucky] Just coming.

You need to get him

and you need to do it right now!

-Okay.

-Okay. Alright. Okay.

[Lucky sighs]

Sorry. That was my gynecologist.

-[Raj] I have no idea where he went.

-sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

-You know where he went?

-How are we gonna find this guy?

If we don't, we're screwed.

We're closed!

[Raj] I'm sure we can find a guy

with a paper bag on his head.

-Oh, sh*t! I mean, hello.

-[Raj] Hi.

Agent Mercer from the DarCo raid.

What are you doing here?

I heard there was an ABC Deli

somehow still open and operating.

Just thought I would

come see it for myself.

Yes. Well, this is

a completely separate enterprise

on account for it lacking

the proper hookup

-for a regulation hotdog turner.

-Yes.

[Francis Mercer]

Do you expect me to believe

that you two spoiled brats

are actually working here?

Why is everybody being

so mean to us today?

Detective, ma'am,

you know more than anyone

that the government

has taken everything from us,

including my casual tennis clothes.

Yes. So if you don't have

a warrant, then we

[both] "reserve the right

to refuse service to anyone."

Guys, I know you're hiding something.

Your father was a master criminal.

There's no way the two of you

could possibly be this stupid.

-[both yelp]

-What?

-[Raj] Uh

-N-nothing.

Please continue.

I got a hunch that you Dars

are up to something worse than tax fraud.

Ma'am, there is nothing worse

than tax fraud.

Hmm.

[Mir/Raj gasp]

I'm taking this Tastykake.

Okay. You can have it.

-[bell jingles]

-T-thank you. Have a good day.

Okay! Go-Go in the back!

Go in the back!

I'm gonna cover two blocks

west of the deli.

You cover two blocks east.

We'll find him in the middle.

Dude, you don't catch

a guy by chasing him.

But this is a chase.

Hamza runs. We chase

or people are gonna k*ll us.

I don't chase.

I attract.

What does that even mean?

Oh, my God,

I've known you my entire life.

I don't understand half the sh*t

that's coming out of your mouth,

and now I'm stuck in this

f*cking nightmare with you.

I like that we get to learn

about this part of Baba's life.

It's like another facet to the guy.

Raj, Baba was a fraud, a drug dealer,

and possibly a m*rder*r.

Everybody's got flaws, Mir.

I love him even more

knowing he wasn't perfect.

You're completely insane.

Ooh, pretzels!

Why are you collecting garbage pretzels?

Come on, help me grab these.

[solemn sitar music playing]

We can't start without Hamza.

Oh, I'm sure he's just late.

We'll catch him up later.

We have so much to get through.

I do hope

nothing has happened to him.

What could have possibly happened to him?

Do you know something I don't?

Like, was he trying to make

a move on the deli

to help you take over as CEO?

No. He's probably just late.

-Hmm. Mm-hmm.

-Let's start.

Salaam, everyone.

In the wake of the loss

of our beloved leader, Baba Dar,

I hereby call this emergency meeting

to discuss next steps for Dark DarCo.

Shall we take attendance? Lucky, present.

-Ahmad, here.

-Ali. Here.

-Feraz, here.

-Hassan, present.

Dawar, here.

Hamza, absent.

[solemn sitar music playing]

Okay, let's begin.

Just a matter of time.

This isn't gonna work, man.

We're f*cking screwed.

That attitude is gonna get us nowhere.

Really? And your pretzel trap

is gonna work?

-Life is not a cartoon, Raj.

-Agree to disagree.

What do I know? My life is ruined.

I have nothing. Who cares?

Hey, man. You're gonna be

all right, little bro.

Holy f*cking sh*t.

-[Raj] Got you now, you f*ck!

-[Mir] Stop screaming.

-You're gonna scare him away.

-He's not a cat.

[exciting music playing]

[brothers shouting]

-[car honks, tires screech]

-[body thuds]

-[Hamza groans]

-Oh!

[Lucky] So, the recent disruption

to our business

by the f*cking FBI has had

a catastrophic effect

on our bottom line.

We are currently in the red. Blood red.

Yes. Ali, thank you so much

for letting us use your house.

It's very nice.

My wife has great taste.

What the f*ck is happening?

Without ABC Delis, we have

no distribution system.

Correct. We are trying to get

a new distribution system

up and running.

And how long will that take?

We are in the process

of finding the best

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Look, this organization is on

the path to total destruction.

-It

-[Ahmad] Baba pissed away millions

on those golf courses

and depleted all our cash.

Baba was using those golf courses

to get into the international market.

Very smart move in the long run. So

In the long run.

But in the short run, where we live,

the Peruvians want their ten mil.

Ten million?

-[all chattering]

-We're in a f*cking hole,

and we can't even earn

our own bread and butter.

This is just a temporary setback.

Tell that to the Peruvians

when they're slitting our throats.

Not if we k*ll them first.

[all shouting]

Whatever you think,

panicking is not going to get us anywhere.

What we need is a plan and a leader.

Me. I'm the obvious choice.

-I don't think so.

-And so

No. I think we need

to elect a new leader. Me.

I call for a vote to elect

the new CEO of Dark DarCo.

[laughs] A vote?

Come on, watch this.

All in favor of a vote.

f*ck me.

Oh, my God. [groans]

Our friend had way too much

to drink last night.

-Hey.

-Tequila. You know how it is.

-[Mir groans]

-[Raj] That must be the apartment.

-[Mir] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-[Raj/Mir grunting]

[Raj] Come on,

let's get him upstairs.

[straining] Okay.

Okay. Alright. We got this.

Okay, come on.

[Raj/Mir grunting]

Whoa!

-Oh, my God.

-[body thuds]

Holy sh*t.

Baba had a secret lair.

That is so f*cking baller.

Look at these pillows, man. Wow.

Miss you, big guy.

[solemn music playing]

[Hamza groans]

[Raj] Goddammit.

This f*ck is still alive?

[Mir] How is that possible?

We gotta think of something, man.

Tie him to that radiator.

Okay, grab his arm.

-One, two, three.

-[Raj] Three!

-Where is the radiator?

-[Mir] It's over there!

[Raj] I haven't scanned

the whole place yet.

-[Mir] Yeah, yeah.

-Okay.

-[Raj/Mir grunting]

-[Mir] Okay.

[off-hook tone]

Let's tie him up.

-Okay.

-[cell phone buzzing]

[sighs] Poor b*stard.

Hey, Lucky Auntie. It's Mir Dar.

We talked earlier on the phone today.

I called you, you idiot.

Did you find Hamza?

[Hamza groans]

Yes, we indeed found him,

we took him upstairs,

and he's currently tied to a radiator.

What do you mean tied?

Is he still alive?

Yeah, he is, but just barely alive.

You know, it's actually kind of amazing.

This guy's a real survivor.

-[Mir] He got hit by a car.

-[Raj] Yeah.

Amazing. Re-k*ll him.

Um, what? You're the one

that didn't k*ll him enough.

There's a g*n in the credenza.

You need to just finish him off now.

-[Mir] What?

-"What, what, what, what, what, what?"

What part of this are you

not understanding?

Credenza, if I'm being honest.

I-I-I don't think I know

what that is. Is it a

Okay, Lucky Auntie, we can't k*ll a guy!

And yet you are going to,

or we are all f*cked.

Will you just f*cking handle this?

[sighs]

I have to go write my campaign speech.

[Lucky fake-laughs]

g*dd*mn. How did all these videos

about g*ns not get taken down?

I don't know, man. They flagged my video

making weed-infused biryani.

-You were naked in it.

-So?

[Hamza groans softly]

Yikes. He does not sound too good.

Yeah, maybe we won't have

to k*ll him though.

You know, it sounds like

nature is taking its course.

-Huh.

-Maybe we should do something for him.

Like, uh, like get him a last meal.

You're so smart. You are so smart. Yes.

I'm gonna go get him a Slim Jim.

Maybe something sweet.

[Raj] Ice cream!

[Brett Simpson] Smoke was trickling in

through a broken window.

As we ran down the hallway

yelling and screaming,

emotions ran high.

The kind of emotions that you can only get

when you've given in

to a treasonous cause.

[agents chuckling]

Two years undercover

with the Lads of Honor?

-You're a legend.

-[agents laughing]

[agent] Show the video again.

Yeah! Y'all ready for this?

Yeah!

-[yokel] It's not moving.

-[grunting]

Suck on this, Nancy.

[groans]

[chanting] USA! USA!

So you actually took

a dump on Pelosi's desk?

[Brett] I sh*t on someone's desk.

You have to buy my book to find out.

[all laugh]

What's it called?

January 6th: How I Saved Democracy.

-Epic.

-[Brett] Thank you.

I think it is pretty epic.

Director Simpson,

you're my new supervisor.

Francis Mercer. Welcome to Philadelphia.

I have something major that

you are gonna want to hear about.

Can you come back

in, like, 10 minutes?

Uh, wait, make it 20.

-[agents laugh]

-"Chapter Six, The Aftermath.

"We met at the hotel bar,

and shots were on me.

What did they order? Well whiskey."

[agents laugh]

As you know, I was Baba's key disciple

with deep involvement

in both DarCo and Dark DarCo.

I know where all the bodies are buried.

Put half of them there myself.

And, uh, I also know that

this organization works best

-when it comes to our enemies.

-[Ahmad sighs]

Would you just stop that?

I have proven my worth

to this organization

with decades of dedication

that has helped make each

and every one of you

very, very rich, so you're welcome.

And, um, yeah

thank you so much.

No, thank you, Lucky.

Some say "Loser Lucky."

[chuckles]

That's my nickname for her.

"Loser Lucky" 'cause that's what she is.

Can you imagine this woman thinks

she can fill Baba's shoes?

I was the only one who stood up to Baba.

Because you were trying to undermine him.

Those golf courses put us

in debt. I was right.

Baba died before he could see

his vision through.

Oh, stop interrupting.

Oh, wait, you're a woman.

-You can't. [chuckles]

-[group groans]

Ah, come on! You guys know me.

I'm f*cking crazy!

But in a good way.

In a way that outlaws respect.

So let's put an end to this

and do the only responsible thing.

All in favor of me.

Yeah.

[Lucky laughs]

Watch and learn, old man.

All in favor of me, go ahead,

raise your hands.

Take your hands off your dicks

and raise them.

[Mir/Raj groan]

-I think he likes it though.

-I don't think so.

[phone chiming]

[Mir] Oh, sh*t. It's Bushra.

I'm gonna lose her too.

f*cked.

Oh, goddammit!

I got this, bro.

-[knife scrapes]

-[Mir] Hey.

-[Raj] Alright.

-What are you doing?

Alright, let's f*cking do this.

[Mir] No, no, no, no, no, no, dude,

we can't just k*ll a guy

because you're hyped up about it.

Why not? That's, like,

how every stabbing works.

The stabber is all hyped up to stab.

Are you listening

to yourself right now?

The universe brought us here, man.

Stop fighting it.

Why can't you allow yourself

to think for one second?

This is not normal. Baba was not normal.

Normal is a

[both] Social construct, man.

"It's just capitalism, dude."

Stop talking like a Bad Brains T-shirt

and think for one second.

I don't have time for that, Mir.

Okay? Yeah, this situation is f*cked.

But how's it gonna be

if both of us are freaking out?

[grunts] You're gonna do it?

-No.

-[Raj] Then let me.

Okay.

Alright!

You ready to die, man?

You ready to get f*cked up, man?

Ooh! [groaning] Die!

[knife clatters]

[Raj sighs]

-I couldn't do it.

-Yeah.

[Brett] Was I ever in danger?

Yes, I was.

-Next Question?

-[agents laugh]

Ugh.

Holy sh*t.

Poison, too much screen time,

autoerotic asphyxiatio

What happened to the knife?

What happened to Hamza?

-[Hamza grunts]

-Oh, sh*t!

[Raj moans]

Ow!

-[Mir screams]

-[lamp shatters]

[Mir panting]

[yelps] Ow!

Oh, my God. Oh, you saved me, man.

-Oh, my God, I k*lled him!

-But to save me.

I actually k*lled him for real this time.

To save me!

[ominous music playing]

[screams]

Ow!

[Mir] Oh, God. I-I should

put pressure on it, right?

Or am I not supposed to move you

until the ambulance gets here?

No, we can't call an ambulance, man.

You just k*lled a guy.

Okay, for the record, we k*lled a guy.

Okay? I don't want that on my hands alone.

Okay, stick your finger in it.

What? Why would I do that?

You stick your finger in it

and then you smell your fingers.

If it smells like poop,

then I'll die

of the worst infection ever.

-Go.

-Who told you that?

It was on Better Call Saul, man.

You didn't watch Better Call Saul?

No, I don't have AMC Plus.

You can buy every season on Prime Video.

But I'm already paying

a subscription fee, Raj.

I'm not gonna pay more

for a specific show just on principle.

Okay, just hurry.

Stick your finger in it.

[Bushra] Mir?

-Bushra?

-[Bushra] Mir, are you there?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

[grunts] Hey!

I know we promised not to look

at each other's shared location

unless it was an emergency.

But this is an emergency.

I'm worried about you.

What is this place?

[Raj] Ugh, hurry, Mir.

I need your finger.

Is someone in there?

Uh, yeah, it's, um, Raj.

He actually wants to say hi.

Hold on a second.

Ow! Ow! Oh, hi.

-Hi, Raj.

-[Raj] See you.

[Raj groaning]

You know, we're so busy grieving.

You know, Raj is in a really bad place.

[Raj] [crying] I'm gonna die.

Is he saying he's gonna die?

From grief.

You know, he's, he's really dramatic.

You know how he is.

Something's not right, Mir.

Do you like Florida?

Miami and the Keys are nice.

I love you so much.

I really have to go.

Okay. I promise I'm gonna get

our lives back to normal so soon.

Okay? I'll see you

in the next 24 to 96 hours.

Don't shut me out, Mir.

I'm not shutting you out.

Call Prairie.

Raj, your shaman can't help us.

There's some things

that can't be cured with DMT, okay?

-Call her.

-[Mir sighs]

I'm told that the Dalai Lama's robes

brushed up against it.

-Mm.

-And it's deeply discounted right now.

-[phone buzzing]

-Oh, hold that thought.

Hi, my king. I can't talk

right now. I'm liquidating.

[on phone] I didn't realize how important

you being rich was

to my healing abilities.

Turns out the strongest crystal is money.

Hi, babe. I just wanted to

[Prairie] No, but don't worry

about it, baby.

I got this. I got us.

I'm gonna do whatever I need to do

to get us back into alignment

with our orgy cabal.

What's up?

Nothing. I just wanted to say hi.

Okay. Hi. I gotta go.

What the f*ck was that?

We should probably go

to the hospital so I don't die.

Raj, we can't take you to the hospital.

[child crying]

Hey, Baba trusted Dr. Elahi-Khan, okay?

She won't report this.

They still have the same toys.

Yeah. Oh.

Yeah, they do.

Eissa Ibrahim Dar?

Uh, it's Raj.

Oh, Dr. Elahi-Khan will see you now.

Okay.

-Oh.

-[straining] I think I can do it.

-There you go.

-Alright, fine.

-[Mir] There you go.

-[nurse] Um

-Alright. See you soon, buddy.

-[Raj] Okay.

[baby crying]

Hey, psst.

I know he seems like a great guy.

He gets you ice cream, he reads to you.

But in your quiet moments,

ask yourself

do you really know him?

[sighs]

And on our seventh vote,

we are three for him and three for me.

Look, we are wasting precious time

when we should be getting

the business up and running.

Why don't you just vote for me,

and we can move on

with our lives? Goddammit.

Is it because I'm g*y?

No. No. Of course not.

We love Charlie.

Makes great chaat.

Wait, Charlie's your boyfriend?

I thought he was your dad. He's like 90.

Yeah. And I'm the twink.

What's your point?

Goddammit! I just wish Baba were here.

None of you can fill his shoes. Idiots.

He was a great man.

I truly miss him.

[door opens]

Lunch is here!

I've got the 76ers foot-long slam-wich

for my friend right here. How you doing?

[Ali] Ooh! You got the slam-wich!

Okay, we need to stop this, Ahmad.

I don't like you, you don't like me

Oh, that's putting it mildly.

You're power hungry.

Baba let you get away with m*rder.

But he's gone now.

You are a petty narcissist

with a cheap suit on.

But guess what?

We have to put

our differences aside

for the greater good, don't we?

If Hamza were here,

I'd be Chief Saab

and you'd be serving me chai.

Will you just cut the misogyny,

you f*ck?

We have to get the business operational

by naming a CEO.

The clock is ticking with the Peruvians,

and you know it.

I have an idea.

One of the lads put

his g*n right here,

and he said, "You wanna hang out

with Mike Pence?"

I said, "Relax, brother.

I want to hang Mike Pence."

-So then, we all got to

-[door opens]

I am this close to blowing up

the entire Dar crime family.

I want to reopen the case.

On what grounds?

Why are you giving me

a half-eaten Tastykake? I don't want this.

That Tastykake is from

a prime impulse buy spot

at the last ABC Deli.

Look at the wrapper. It expired in 2021.

The bestselling prepackaged cake

in all of Philadelphia?

That's fishy.

So, you think it's a front?

Y-yes.

This is gonna be big. I can feel it.

[ominous music playing]

When I went after the Lads of Honor,

they told me I'd be wasting

millions of dollars

in federal resources,

that I'd embarrass myself,

my country, the agency.

But look at me now.

Go get 'em.

Thank you.

♪♪

[sighs] I want my old life back.

The one where I didn't k*ll anybody

and I could still afford sushi.

Here. It's root beer.

Raj. We can't live like this.

Tallahassee?

Tallahassee.

Yeah. We go there and we start over.

I work my way up the corporate ladder

at some soul-sucking company

and eventually I send for Bushra

[Raj/Mir yelling]

[Raj] Ow, ow, my knee!

-[Mir screaming]

-[Raj] Ow!

[tires screeching]

["Bobs n' Bits" by Anticalm playing]

How'd you get that bobs n' bits? ♪

How'd you get that bobs n' bits? ♪

Cooler than a jet like bobs n' bits ♪

Uncle Clive on my side

he knows that I'm high ♪

But he knows I'm gon' be rich ♪

How did you get that shh ♪

Bobs n' Bits ♪

Hey, stuff it ♪

Honey, it's none of your beeswax ♪

[indistinct rapping]

Oh, they love me,

it's so unanimous ♪

Brudda, I'm too old for likin' this ♪

Maybe if it was a Greek God, hm ♪

-I'd be so curious baggin' this ♪

-Oh ♪

[indistinct rapping]

No more chattin'

I'm hearin' them bobs n' bits ♪

Ah, Sideshow Bob with a lop top ♪

I'm where the problem lives, ah ♪

♪♪

How'd you get that bobs n' bits? ♪

How'd you get that bobs n' bits? ♪

Cooler than a jet like bobs n' bits ♪

Uncle Clive on my side

he knows that I'm high ♪

But he knows I'm gon' be rich ♪

How did you get that shh ♪

Bobs n' Bits ♪

[song fades out]

[fanfare playing]