01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

[distant siren wailing]

[upbeat drum music playing]

[gasping, panting]

[both panting]

[speaker] Philadelphia!

Land of opportunity,

business opportunity,

education opportunity,

marriage opportunity.

Dear shareholder,

when I came to Philly in '79

with just three dollars,

my first opportunity

was at a deli.

Fifteen hours a day,

seven days a week,

living above the store

with nine other guys

with only six shirts

total between us.

With no comfort of home,

except Caca Brand Achar.

I saw opportunity.

After I took over the deli,

I invented a product

that changed the way

America consumes coffee.

Mega Glug!

One hundred

and twenty-four ounces of coffee

that still fits in

the beverage holder!

And today,

there are 40 ABC Delis

across the Delaware Valley!

And now, I'm taking us

into the prestigious world of

golf courses!

And with this new venture,

I'll lead DarCo

into the next era,

to the highest heights

of this beautiful game

we call capitalism.

By the way, I also just bought

Caca Brand Achar.

[upbeat rock music playing]

[g*n firing]

[b*llet shells clinking]

[whispers] Prairie.

Hm?

Dabs?

[upbeat drum music playing]

[Prairie moans]

-[quietly] Okay.

-[quietly] Okay.

You did it, Baba.

You are living proof

that seeing opportunity

is the key to success.

And having followed

in your footsteps,

I have learned so much

about the world of business,

even more than I learned

at Drexel University.

Insert compliment here.

Now, you are such

a great role model, Baba.

I'm basically you now,

though smaller in stature.

Hold for laugh.

Two, three, four.

Now if you ever wanna

take a break

from the administrative minutia

that is my passion,

just know that I'm always

here for you.

I love you, Baba.

Babe, that was so good.

Like, Colin Powell good.

I think it's ready for

Baba to hear it.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I mean, I can go harder.

Show him that I really deserve

the top spot,

that I know I can do it.

You're over-thinking.

It's perfect.

By the way, lose the neck beard.

Yeah? You like that neck?

Yeah, you know I do.

You did it, Baba!

Oh, yeah.

Leech all that bad juju

right outta me, fellas.

[Prairie] Please don't

address them directly, Raj.

[grunting]

Today's my day.

I haven't even put

the pin in yet.

[grunts] What?

Oh.

[phone buzzes]

Oh, I gotta go.

Great workout as usual!

Through the ball.

[exhales]

Okay.

Ow! Raj, stop it!

Just reaffirming the

power dynamic, bro.

Gotta check you sometimes.

God, you're so dumb.

Just hit it.

Alright, here we go. Ah.

-Are you kidding me?

-Nice.

Hey, you gotta use that

third eye for putting, bro.

I told you.

Hey, you shaved your neck beard.

Get-Get away from me.

-It looks super handsome.

-Get!

You gonna ask Baba

to make you CEO?

No, I'm not.

But, you know, if it comes up

organically, then

Mir, you know who Baba wants

to run DarCo?

A man of action.

-Yeah.

-Someone like me.

-Oh, my God.

-Lucky for you,

I'm not really

interested in that.

But I do wanna know

how I'm getting my cut

on this golf course

venture though.

The same way you make money

off of everything,

by doing absolutely nothing.

How could you wake

up every morning

and go into work when you know

you don't have to?

[scoffs] Do you not have

any perspective?

You know we could've ended up

as child laborers

in a Levi's factory making

denim jackets for hipsters?

Have you learned

nothing from Baba?

Mir, I don't have time

for your survivor's guilt trip.

It's up to us to enjoy

this life for everyone

who looks like us

but doesn't have it.

That's the secret to

living in America, man.

Work is for our white sl*ves.

-What are you talking about?

-[Baba] Hello, boys!

[Raj] Baba!

-[Mir] Hey!

-[Raj] There he is.

You're in one of your

tiffs again?

Let me remind you that the guy

next to you is your brother.

And no one in the world

is closer to you.

As my Baba used to say,

"When it's time to eat"

[Raj/Mir] "Leave the

tiff in the tiffin."

That's right.

It's time you matured.

[Baba chuckles]

It's all part of a

larger strategy.

-[Raj] Mm.

-Our next phase is two-pronged.

Prestige.

Golf, the game of kings.

-[Raj] Hm.

-We're going international, boys!

You know, I crunched the numbers

thinking it was gonna be a dud,

but once again, you were right.

You have the keenest instinct,

and that's something

you can't learn in a school.

Not even my prestigious

alma mater,

Drexel University.

I know you're gonna

get there, Mir.

Just be patient.

That's your strength.

You're inquisitive, organized,

determined.

Speaking of inquisitive,

organized, determined

Baba, I knew from the get

that it was gonna be a hit

purely based on the vibes.

That's because you got

your Baba's instincts, Raj.

-[Baba chuckling]

-[Raj laughing]

Success at all costs, lads.

Failing upwards is

for white boys.

[chuckles]

[Raj] Alright, Baba, you got it.

Nice!

-Booyah!

-Let's go!

-Jesus Christ.

-This golf venture is going to

take us places

that delis never could.

We're going from coffee cups

to champagne flutes, boys.

-Yeah, we are.

-[Baba] Yeah!

-Woo!

-Woo!

-[yells]

-You did it, Baba!

You are living proof

-[golf ball thwacks]

-[grunts]

[golfer] Oh, my God!

[upbeat drum music playing]

[both gasp]

[blood spurting]

[body thuds]

[yelling]

[gasps] Baba.

[somber music playing]

I don't know if I can do this.

That's Baba.

No.

This is just an empty vessel.

Baba's somewhere else.

Ma'am, please.

This is not proper.

-Lucky Auntie?

-[Lucky] Not proper?

-[Mir] We know her.

-I have been this man's

most loyal business partner

through hell or high water

for three decades!

How dare you!

-Oh!

-Oh, my God.

-[Lucky] Get out!

-Ow!

What do you got

in that bag, rocks?

-[door slams]

-[lock rattling]

[Mir] Lucky Auntie,

what are we gonna do?

[Lucky] Oh, beta. Beta.

Just one thing at a time.

So much to discuss,

but all that can be done later.

Are you gonna

take care of us now?

Yes.

[Lucky sighs]

Alright.

No sense in dilly-dallying.

Get me the hose.

[Imam praying in foreign

language]

[group praying in

foreign language]

Oh.

Dude, get up, get up,

get up, get up, get up.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Imam praying in foreign

language]

Amen!

[somber violin music playing]

[people whispering]

-You really think she's one of Baba's?

-What?

Inappropriate, Raj.

[Raj] I'm just saying,

Baba liked white women.

-Unless you think that's more his type.

-Hmm?

Actually, I do.

-Very strong.

-[Raj] Yeah.

[Ahmad] Boys.

-[Mir] Ahmad Uncle.

-[sighs] I can't believe it.

My deepest hamdardi.

Thanks.

[indistinct chatter]

[Raj] Thank you, Ahmad Uncle.

-Boys.

-[Mir] Hm?

[Lucky speaking in

foreign language]

Yeah. Thanks.

-Ahmad.

-[Ahmad] Lucky.

I hope at least today

you'll take a break

from your personal campaigning.

Leave the business to me

and stick to making biryani, hm?

Oh.

Some days, I could

just k*ll you.

[chuckles]

Ooh. Sssp!

[Lucky] Hello.

Hello, everybody.

Um, before we proceed

to kabristan

and bid our final goodbyes

to our esteemed colleague,

I would like to invite

his sons to speak.

-I'll go first.

-You have something prepared?

No. I'm just gonna freestyle it.

Of course you are.

Uh [clears throat]

Firstly,

shouts to the gods and

the infinite versions of Earth.

[upbeat hip-hop music playing]

[elevator bell dings]

Alright, Mir,

you can't just go in there

and ask to be CEO.

You gotta take that sh*t, okay?

I got your back.

Raj, this is the DarCo board.

They're like family to us.

They're gonna do what's in the

best interest of the company.

This isn't adversarial.

Trust me, bro.

I'll play you in.

Okay.

["Respond/React"

by The Roots playing]

Its just hip-hop

hangin' in my head heavy ♪

Malik said "Riq, you know

the planet ain't ready, for the half"

[Lucky] How is that

even possible?

Alright, you corporate Panchos.

There's a new sheriff in town

and his name is Mir

["Respond/React"

continues playing]

m*therf*cking Dar.

-[Mir] How do you turn it off?

-I'll do it. I'll do it.

-[music stops]

-Alright, go ahead.

Ladies and gentlemen

of the board,

I'm here to tell you exactly why

I am the new CEO of DarCo.

First things first,

I've been told

I exude strong

little brother energy,

but I assure you,

I'm no longer a little boy.

-I am a man, a Dar man.

-[pen scratching]

-Eat it.

-What?

-Eat it!

-[Mir] miniature version of Baba.

With the same heart,

but dare I say,

a better business acumen

for which

[screaming]

[agent] Spread out!

Rojas to the back!

Which one of you gets

Daddy's seat?

[brothers talking

over each other]

[overlapping chatter continues]

[Lucky] Me.

I'm the interim CEO.

Let's go.

-[handcuffs clicking]

-What?

-Okay. No, no, no, no.

-[Lucky speaking in foreign language]

-Don't say sh*t.

-Bye.

What is going on?

She didn't do anything.

DarCo has been implicated

with two decades of

scamming government programs,

tax fraud,

and false insurance claims.

I've known, but your father had

some friends in high places.

Now with him gone,

we got the go-ahead.

Shockingly, neither of you has

one single incriminating email.

Raj, that includes the 247,000

unread messages in your inbox.

I have an email address?

[Mir] Okay.

Uh, Agent Mercer, hi.

-My name is Mir Dar.

-I know.

And this is probably just

some sort of miscommunication.

-We'd be happy to cooperate and clear

-[Raj] No, no, f*ck that.

We are not cooperating.

Mir, I'm not a

f*cking snitch, dude.

Hmm. Okay.

If that's how you wanna play it,

go right ahead.

But remember my face

'cause it's gonna be smiling

when the two of you are

in orange jumpsuits.

[camera shutter clicks]

Great, thanks.

It's, uh, it's my first raid.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

He lied to us!

I thought I was gonna be CEO.

Was he laughing at

me the whole time?

No, bro, he was protecting us.

A lot of parents wouldn't want

their kids knowing

how the sausage gets made.

But what if that kid went

to Drexel University

to specifically learn

how to make sausage?

That sh*t is haram,

and you know it.

[phone buzzing]

-Hey, babe.

-What the f*ck is going on?

Put down the fascia blaster!

-[Mir] [on phone] Are you okay?

-They took They took my

Mir, they took my

fascia blaster.

O-Okay, I'll be there

in a second!

-I know

-[Bushra] Our place was listed

as a DarCo satellite office?

I swear I didn't know.

Baby, I would never lie to you.

It was probably, like,

for tax purposes.

[gasps]

[Bushra] Mir, I loved your dad

like one of my own parents,

okay?

And believe me, I'm super

into corporate tax workarounds.

But this feels irresponsible.

[softly] Everything's gone.

All of it.

[Raj] Hey, Mir, they took

your fedora collection.

-Are we f*cked?

-[Bushra] Possibly.

What did DarCo's

general counsel say?

It was all Baba [panting]

and please uncuff me.

Okay, maybe we're f*cked.

[Raj] Ah, looks like they got

the wireless meat thermometer

I gave you, too.

[Bushra] Maybe Baba had

a contingency plan.

He had to have protected you

in some way.

Was there a trust fund

or a life insurance plan?

[Raj] No!

They took the giant mirror!

All the accounts are locked,

even the personal ones

associated with DarCo.

-[Raj] Your shelves.

-[Mir] I'm gonna figure this out.

-[Raj] Paperweights.

-[Mir] All I need is some time.

-[Raj] All of your curios.

-Maybe, maybe you can go

-to Malvern for a few days.

-I do not wanna go

to my mother's for a few days.

They're already pissed

that we're "living in sin."

And if you don't think that

she's gonna be talking

about this DarCo sh*t

the entire f*cking time, Mir.

[Raj] Hey, Mir, they took

all your little shoes, man.

-They took everything!

-[Mir] Please sit down!

[Raj] On what?

Baby, look, you know

I love you, okay?

I just need a little time

to sort this out.

You know you're the most precious thing

in the whole world to me.

Mm. Mir. [chuckles]

I wanna build a life with you

and I'll never leave your side,

-unless you leave me no choice.

-No.

I know you're going

through a lot right now,

but I need you to get

your sh*t together.

-Okay.

-Okay?

-Yeah. I will.

-Fix this. Mm.

Mir, if you don't give

this gorgeous woman a baby, I'ma have to.

-Ah!

-[Raj] Lock that sh*t up, man.

-Right?

-Please let me take care of my life,

and you can take care

of your orgy cabal.

Oh, my God, my orgy cabal!

[Raj] Hey, hey, hey!

That's all my sh*t!

-[Mir] Okay, okay, okay!

-Those are prescription medical devices!

The FBI Okay.

-Let me get the prism!

-No, no, no, no!

You guys got everything? Okay.

Thank you.

Hey, Prairie.

Where's everyone else?

They were pretty into money,

it turns out.

Shocking.

f*ck!

[sighs] It was funnier

when they took your sh*t.

[Prairie] Oh, man.

They took all my leeches.

[gasps] Except George.

Hi, George.

Oh, yes!

[Raj] Thank God they

didn't take the coping room.

What the f*ck?

Ah, the chi is great right now.

[Raj sighs]

THCa, psilocybin, terps.

To reflect and

compartmentalize your stress.

What are we gonna do, man?

We have no family, no money.

Maybe I should add

some Sarpa Salpa for you.

I mean, Baba kept

me in that office

every day like a f*cking doll.

He didn't tell me anything.

I signed a million contracts a day.

What were they even for?

Stop wallowing, man.

Trust the process.

Wallowing?

We just found out an hour ago.

What are you, a sociopath?

And this is why

I added the fish.

-Oh, yeah.

-Listen, my dad, my hero,

isn't who I thought

he was, okay?

There's no bullshit

Himalayan sea crystal salt

Prairie potion that

can change that!

We are f*cked!

Wow.

[Raj] Hey,

keep my shaman's name

out your f*cking mouth, Mir!

Maybe Baba didn't tell you

'cause you're a f*cking as*h*le!

[Mir] You're a f*cking joke.

You never take

anything seriously.

That is your problem,

including the fact that

we could go to jail.

We're not gonna go to jail, man.

-We're innocent.

-[Mir] Right.

We'd be the first innocent

Brown people in jail.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I'm all alone.

You're the only person

I can turn to in this world,

and you're a moron.

Me? You were in there every day

and you didn't see any of this.

-You're the moron.

-You're the moron.

-[Raj] You're the moron.

-You're the moron!

-You are!

-[Mir] No, you are!

-You are! You are!

-You are! You are!

-You!

-You know what?

I'm a grown man with

a graduate degree.

This is ridiculous.

I'm leaving.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna scour every

corner of DarCo

and find out what's left for us.

That is such a stupid plan.

[planter rattles]

[Mir] I found you.

So you were Baba's start, huh?

Jesus Christ.

[Raj] Allahu Akbar.

-[laughs]

-[Mir] What are you doing here?

It's kismet, man.

I followed the love arrows, bro.

The curve that'll

lead you to make

the most beautiful

four-dimensional sculpture

that is your life.

-What?

-I had a headache,

so Prairie dropped some acid

into my eyeballs.

-Oh.

-And then I went

on the most epic journey

across the city.

And then I forgave you.

And I'm scrolling in my phone

and I re-watched

the investor video

that Baba made,

and inside of it was a clue.

This piece of sh*t deli.

I just dug through all

the old records.

This is the only ABC Deli

not registered to DarCo.

-[Raj] Huh.

-It's not much, but it's a start.

A start to what?

-The new and improved DarCo.

-Oh, no.

It all makes so much sense now!

We're here for a reason!

This is the start of

Baba's journey.

We can do it like he did.

We can start small, but we'll do it legit.

-Oh.

-No shortcuts, no breaking laws.

We'll just have to get

our hands dirty a little bit.

That sounds not super fun.

Well, lucky for me,

you literally have

no options left.

Oh.

Okay. Uh alright.

-On one condition.

-Mm. Okay.

You have to do

slightly more sh*t than I do,

but we still split

profits 50/50.

Counter.

How about I forgive you, too?

Tiff in the tiffin?

Tiff in the tiffin.

Okay.

Alright.

Baba would be so proud, man.

Mm-hmm.

I love you, bro.

Uh, alright.

-Say it back.

-Um

Me-Me too.

[upbeat music playing]

-Have a good one.

-You too.

Alright.

Hey, what are you doing here?

How's that coffee coming

along, Mir?

-Fresh pots all around.

-Nice.

I'm gonna go restock the sodas.

Cover for me?

[laughing]

Oh-h*-h*-h*!

-You got it, bro.

-You're the best.

-Oh, yes!

-Yeah!

Can I help you, my friends?

We are Baba Dar's boys.

You probably heard about

our father's tragic passing

to the next realm via golf ball.

Baba's dead?

Yeah.

[worker whistling]

[worker speaking in

foreign language]

What does that mean?

[workers shouting]

What is this?

Oh, my God. Excuse you. Ah!

-Hey, easy.

-Hey, hey, come on!

sh*t! This is not good.

Ahmad Uncle's gonna k*ll me.

Ahmad Uncle?

What's Boys,

what are you doing here?

Lucky Auntie?

You're outta jail already?

Oh, sh*t.

[mysterious music playing]

Lucky Auntie, do you guys

know each other or something?

[Raj] Yeah, what is

this vibe here?

Did you two f*ck?

-[g*n fires]

-[blood spatters]

-[Mir gasps]

-[body thuds]

What just happened?

[screaming]

[Lucky] Oh, I know

what you're thinking. Huh?

Has Lucky Auntie gone crazy?

I just didn't expect both

of you to show up here.

Come on.

But I guess this is

the kismet

Allah chose for us.

-Go, "Eeee!"

-Eeee!

-Very nice. Good boy.

-[Raj] Lucky Auntie.

[Lucky] There you go. Huh?

Who the f*ck are you?

This is nothing. It's nothing.

I was just rectifying a problem.

Your Baba's death left

a bit of a power vacuum.

The fallout might be

substantial.

Okay.

Raj, take this,

take your brother,

and get as far away

as you can from here.

Ditch your phones, buy burners.

Do not rent a car.

Those records are

very easy to dig up.

And, beta, dark soda

will get this right off.

Or Stain Devil for

blood and semen.

Um actually,

just give me your clothes

and I'm gonna take care

of everything here.

[Raj] No.

I can't walk away from this

and pretend like I never saw it.

I wanna know what the f*ck

is going on here.

Alright, boys.

Alright.

There's something I'ma show you.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Lucky] Boys, sit down here.

My boys.

If you're seeing this,

it means the unthinkable

has happened

and I've left you.

I hope I had a

dignified death

while doing something I love.

-[Mir/Raj] Mm.

-But, anyhow, down to business.

DarCo has diversified in ways

that I chose to keep from you.

It was for your own

protection.

Lucky, she can teach

you everything,

but this is all yours

even if it is

a little unsavory.

Everything I built,

I built for you.

So for now, just be strong.

You're not boys anymore.

You're grown men.

And better yet, you're Dar men.

Wear it well.

[sniffles, sighs]

I love you.

All I ever really wanted

was to make him proud.

Hey.

We still can.

We can build DarCo

back up from the ground.

We can do it legit.

[scoffs] Fine!

Yes, this is your

happy little store.

Sodas and hot dogs.

Ice cream for breakfast.

Yes, fine. Okay, boys,

it's a wonderful idea.

Have your little deli,

sell cigarettes and

lotto tickets.

The FBI figured out

Baba cooked the books,

but things at DarCo, they go

way beyond financial crimes.

This is what is happening

in the background.

You wanna run the front?

Be my guest.

Now that you've scared

off the Yemenis,

there's really no one

else to do it.

And being useful, I guess

is a great way of staying alive.

This is a life of crime

and the life of this deli.

Now that you know,

you work for me,

every day, right here.

Alright.

No sense in dilly-dallying.

We'll deal with

the body tomorrow.

In the meantime, bag him up.

[suspenseful music playing]

[paper rustling]

[upbeat drum music playing]

[gasping, panting]

[both panting]

[Mir] Let's go.

8:15 a.m.

Nothing yet.

[funky upbeat music playing]

♪♪

[music ends]

[fanfare playing]

[fanfare playing]