01x05 - The Pen Is Mighty

[bunniefuu]

- No

- "Wendy?"

- "What is that?"

- "Hey!"

Brad? Christ

- Good morning

- "Well, it may be there"

"but it's not morning here

and it's not good"

"Are we looking at her ear?"

"We have a bit of a problem, Wendy"

- "Josh is here"

- "Hey, man"

- "Hi, you mate"

- There they are

"I trust the wrap party went well?"

Yeah, fun! Lots of it

"Looks like we woke you, Wendy"

Astrid in Amsterdam?

I thought you were on maternity leave

- "Well, yeah, I'm supposed to be"

- "That's a cute f*cking baby"

"So, I wanted to jump on as we were

concerned about a copyright issue"

"regarding I Am Celt

that came via our London office"

"So, Derek, will catch you up"

"Hi, you mate, nice to see you"

- Is it?

- "Well, it turns out"

"we don't actually own

the rights to the book"

But, well, I mean, the writer

of the show wrote the book

- So we

- "Not according to Publishing House"

"Book author has a different name"

" and we don't have

an authorized signatory for our contracts"

"So, every day we don't

have official signature is a risk"

"And obviously, I Am Celt will never make

it to the big screen until we get it down"

Why am I here?

Well, this is my hotel room

"So, it goes without saying

although I'll say it"

"We need the official sign-off

from the rights holder ASAP as possible"

Yeah, I'll get right on that

I'm sure it's just an oversight or something

"Maybe ask the author about

some of the historical inaccuracies"

- "we're seeing in the early cuts"

- What?

We're the studio

that made Tall Napoleon

You guys all read the source material

Isn't it all in the book?

- "No, But"

- "No?"

"If I were you I'd have a little

tete-a-tete with the screenwriter"

"since it was you who did the deal

on the book in the first place"

- Yeah

- "Great to see you, Wendy"

- "Hey, Carl"

- "Hey, Carl"

Carl from catering's here

"Okay, well, I better

track down that writer"

- Absolutely, thanks guys

- "Bye"

- Why am I in your room?

- Was exactly the question I asked

as you poured yourself into my bed

but alas, you weren't awake

long enough to answer it

Worry not, Wendy darling

nothing happened

I've just been sitting here

listening to you snore

like a pretty little pig

I don't think Dairy is your friend

Why is the book not registered

in your name, Jack?

Macchiato?

I'm presuming it's a mix-up?

Do you know what your lanky friend

Napoleon said about history?

- Why am I in your room?

- No

No, he said that history

is a set of lies agreed upon

Isn't that clever?

You assured me that your manuscript

underwent standard academic sourcing

- And now my colleagues are

- Wendy, Wendy, Wendy

I would love to tell you which words

are gospel and which are embellishments

- Sadly, I just don't know

- Well, why don't you know?

- You wrote the f*cking book!

- Well

- And I think you'll find this funny

- Please tell me you wrote the book

Get the f*ck out of your room!

Wendy, I'm well acquainted

with the actual author, of course

Your name is on the f*cking cover

Wendy! Wendy!

Our night may have ended tamely

but we shared a cuddle on the dance floor

that would have made

Beelzebub blush

Where the hell is the author, Jack?

We need their signature

In the beautiful

industrial city of Birmingham

We could visit

"Get your passports, dipshit"

I'll catch you later, so!

"Good morning, sir!"

Miss! Miss!

Brendan's about to showhole

Would you put

that toga down, Brendan?

Right, look, let's summarize

Men of Rome

What say ye?

We Romans hate you Celtic hordes

"But what are your specific

objections to the Celts?"

"Based on a millennium of conflicts?"

The Celts are

accused on three counts

You drink too much

You sing too much

And you allow women far

too much power

- You little b*stard, you can't say anything

- Alright!

Alright, calm down

before I have to roll over you

So, you're telling me that

any male Roman citizen

could accuse someone of a crime

and then prosecute him or her?

That's right

and all I have to say is

"she's my wife and she cheated on me

and she stole my chariot"

The power women once had

is a fair contrast to today, though

"In birth, death, and love"

"Women had more sexual

freedom in ancient Celtic society"

"It was a polygamous

and polyandrous culture"

"Meaning both men and women

could have multiple spouses"

"Love gave way to life

and death back then"

"So, the idea of betrayal

was an alien one"

"And if you did feel shame"

"at least you wouldn't

live long enough to die from it"

"It was a good time for men

They just need to remember that"

Seamie, come quick

I think Mammy might be dead

"What are you going to do, Doctor?"

There's not a whole lot

I can't do, Barry

When did you last speak to her?

Well, I was at a sustainable

farming conference in Thurles

Monday, and stayed the night

She waved me off

Before I left, I really started to think

that her breath was very faint

It was like one of those

hairdryers with the wrong plug

It was like

Sounds like maybe she hasn't

really been breathing then for four days

I mean

she's holding Sunday's paper

Well, when I got home

I was worried that

She'd get mad at me for disturbing her

for no reason, you know

You thought she'd be annoyed

at you after she was already dead?

She could be testy in the mornings

Doctor, is there any protocol?

By the power vested in me

I now pronounce your mother dead

My God! Mammy!

- Can I hug her now?

- You can, Barry

"Dad, you've got

your big meeting tomorrow"

Are you sure that the Health Board

will be cool with you doing this?

Yeah, yeah

yeah, it's all good

They're just ticking boxes and whatnot

Sorry for your loss, Barry

Cheers, Sonny

She was a remarkable woman

Incredibly strict

Did you have any final words?

Let me think

We were watching

the weather forecast, she loved that

The changing seasons

And she thought the meteorologist's

dress was way too tight

Nice, fashionable to the end

"A sl*t for the rain", she said

And then Mammy just kind of

Drifted off

"You're up early"

- It feels like it's been a minute

- What?

Didn't we do it last

Month?

That's a lot more than a minute

Seamie, sweetheart

it's lovely and all

But I just woke up

I'm dying for a whizz

Can you

Of course

Can't compete with a full bladder

"So let me get this straight"

"You didn't write the book

and you're not a historian"

No, but have you heard

me sing Brown Eyed Girl?

This cover gives the impression

that it was authored by an academic

No lie told

the author is a doctor

- So he is a doctor

- Well, she is a dentist

Sorry! The author of the book

is a dentist from Birmingham

Dr. Fatima Balakrishnan is a master

of root canals and the Bronze Age

I was wondering why this script

got so different from the book

I might have missed that

- I've had a lot on my mind

- Wendy, darling, worry not!

I may have sprinkled the odd fantasy

to bring the past to life for the viewer

but your television program

will be much the better for it

What are your primary sources?

Writers have different sources

We're sponges of the soul, you know?

From which bath

did you squeeze out the stuff

About the Goddess Brigid

f*cking her son?

I believe I heard that theory

on a historical podcast

A podcast?

What is it called?

Toilet Break History with Gabbie

the Greek and Johnny What-What

Professors, are they?

Gabbie the Greek

and Johnny f*cking who-who?

Johnny What-What! Have some respect

The man used to be deaf

Jules, step on it

I got to get the f*ck out of here

There's no place for you here!

There's no place for you here!

What was even the name

of that program used to be on?

Where they all living

on a spaceship for some reason?

- Star Trek?

- No

- Battlestar Galactica?

- No

Are we going to get more clues

or are we just guessing now?

Was one of them a cat?

Maybe?

- One of the astronauts was a cat?

- Yes

- Red dwarf

- The very one! Good woman, Wendy

Why did they bring it back

or something, Jack?

I've no idea, Julian

No, I was trying to recall

What it was they called

those stars in space

that expand far too quickly

and implode violently

And then diminish into nothing

but a lonely rock floating in a vast abyss

And now I know

Thanks to my good friend

and bedfellow here

Cause that's it, isn't it?

Now, the British Empire

A wee red dwarf

"Flight ASB267 to Birmingham is

now open for boarding at Gate 3A"

Jules, can you Google Maps to see

how long the journey is on the other end?

It shouldn't be longer than 20 minutes

depending on traffic

You've been to the author's house?

Yes! And I lived there

You lived with the author? When?

Well

Primarily when we were married

We're going to see your ex-wife?

And I would have told her

we were coming, I promise

But I'm yet to be convinced

by the need for a mobile telephone

f*cking k*ll me now, baby Jesus!

Not a happy little bear

Why was it, that he was a cat?

God knows

TV is full of stupids

Is this the room for bold boys?

"Dr Seamus Proctor

3:00 pm hearing"

- Hi

- Take a seat

Sorry to keep you

It's very busy out there in the practice

- Do you need tea or coffee or anything?

- Tea, please

Mine's just a milky one

- What?

- The refreshments are just behind you there

I'm sure you can help yourself

You know, I'm grand for tea

I'm just glad to be here

to clear all this up

Clear this up?

Clear what up?

Well, I'm not sure

This is my first disciplinary hearing

in my 17 years of practice in medicine, so

Your father was the local GP

in Drumban prior, is that right?

- He was, yeah

- Isn't that so nice?

Inheriting Daddy's practice

I still went to medical school

- Obviously

- Okay

It's not something you

just hand down like a watch

Yeah, where did you

acquire that nice watch?

My father gave it to me

Look, I am a very good doctor

Did your father have many

people calling the Health Board?

About him having

maybe gone a bit

One sec now

Cuckoo?

Who called saying that? Look

I thought this was just

like a box-ticking thing

Sorry, no offence, it's

It's the fact that I've had

some experience of alien abduction

that certainly has

no impact on my work

Credibility?

And grandiose delusions

Well, I'm not delusional

so stick that up your hole for a start

Not up your hole, sorry!

Like I should've

said pipe, maybe

Stick it up your pipe, is it?

PIPE?

Surely when an employee

discloses something

as significant as an historic abduction

you should believe him

You're on temporary leave

pending further investigation

The employee is

customarily given the final say

but unfortunately

we're just out of time

What, so that's it then?

You were late as well

do you remember?

I'm a good doctor

I'm a very good doctor

f*cking temporary leave?

I see she's painted

the front door again

How is Barry Battles doing?

Okay, I mean

lost his mother so, you know

Yep, gone like that

Which is why we should take

every opportunity to enjoy ourselves

Carpe diem, is it, Mam?

Well, I'd leave the Latin

to the accountants and the clergymen

But in Irish

we'd say, Tapaigh an deis

Take your chance

Hard to argue with that

To Barry's Mam

and my first dead body

Well, stick with medicine, Sonny

It certainly won't be your last

Tapaigh an deis

I really loved your book

She may as well have moved

into the library

When she was a researching it

the big swot

We're more than happy

to offer the premium Guild rate

I have the contract right here

You can either sign it on my phone

run it by your lawyer

Your call

Just work with me here

Is that figure in pounds or Euro?

Pounds, and I'm curious as to how

you came about writing Am I Celt

I've been obsessed wit the Celts

since I was Suri's age

Probably why I fell for this idiot

Well, I also had a motorcycle at the time

And I still have my job at the paper

The paper?

I had a weekly football column

called Whispering Wolves

in the Black Country Gazette

So you're a sports writer?

Football, not the Celts

Not even history

Well, not anymore

I'm a screenwriter now, making history

They fired Daddy

because of stupid cancel culture

Suri!

What did you do?

I was filmed kicking a dachshund

outside St. Paul's Cathedral

- People went bananas

- So wait

You were publicly

shamed for kicking a dog?

It was accidental, obviously

The kick, I was just swinging my foot

I thought it was autumnal leaves

such a short dog

CCTV is the devil

- Doctor

- Balakrishnan

Doctor Balakashkin

you have written a stunning account

And we would like to share it

In relation to the option agreement

is there a magic number in your head that

It's not just about

the money for me, Miss Patterson

Promises were made when I agreed

Jack could put his name on my book

- Promises?

- If your show makes it to the TV

- Where would we even watch it?

- Oh, for

Is this the flipping corner

console again, Fatima?

More bloody corner console chat?

Well, how can an author whose

book has been adapted for television

watch the show with her daughter?

Dad, we've been

watching TV like this

Like mice! It's insanity!

I can get a new TV stand, Fatima

We don't need one

that one's never been out of the box

despite being here

for eight months until today

Well, you could have

rested it on the box

Wait, are you saying if he builds

this TV stand, you'll sign the contract?

- No, well that

- And increase this offer by 20 percent

25, because you're pretty

Done

And I'm what?

I'm building furniture?

Suri, you are one smart cookie

Fatima, I am delighted

to be in business with you

You will hear from me very soon

These are screenwriting hands

These are not assembling hands

Start drilling, Jack

I'll be waiting for you in the car

I promise

What?

- Get on with it

- No, good, good

No, I've been meaning

to get around to it

Can I just say, I have never

met a samosa I didn't like

Yeah, this is when we drove off

May the Lord be kind to her, Barry

Thanks Rory

I'm sure he'll do his best

Mrs. b*ner

Barry

- Decent turnout, Barry

- She'd be delighted with these numbers

She left instructions, of course

Hey, you know the way she'd be

She'll be well missed, Barry

A more honest woman

you would never meet

Thanks, Pubba

Yeah, she never saw the need

for lies did Mammy

Coward Cushions

she used to call them

Is it just me, or

Are her teeth particularly white?

I should bloody hope so

I was up half the night scrubbing

and polishing the gel off

- Off her teeth?

- She left three simple requests

Barry, listen carefully

One, leave on my wedding ring

as it simply doesn't feel

like you'll need it

Harsh, but fair

Two, bury me with that

purse I got in Mallorca

It's special to me

Ladies do love their bags

And three, please

give me proper bleached teeth

- Bleached teeth?

- Proper bleached teeth

She seemed very sure about that

Now you got me worried

I overdid it, are they too white?

I don't know

Was she a fan of the Bee Gees?

Shut up, you dopey c**t!

Mammy used to call me that

I'm sorry, Barry

- She looks grand

- No, you're right, I went too far

She looks like

Simon fricking Cowell

Why don't you just like

put her lips together a bit?

Close them

Most removals these days

don't include a smiling corpse

That's better, she was never

big into smile anyroad

Fake feathers

she used to call them

You have her

well turned out, Barry

Fair play to you

very pale, though, isn't she?

- Might be the death

- Well, yes

But when I think of Betty Battles

I always see that radiant glow and

- All that rouge

- Rouge?

Like blusher on her face?

Well, yes

didn't she like the peach cheek?

A proper peach cheek

and she was well known for it

Give me proper peach cheeks

Anyway

it's how I'll remember her

Well, at least

Saint Peter will see her coming

And from through the clouds

Who are we

to judge a f*cking thing?

I'll just give you a quick weird hug

and I'll let you get on with it all

- Coolio, so Seamie, I'll see you later

- All right, Barry

Why did you sleep in his room?

Because they all

look the f*cking same!

What? The men or the rooms?

I'm glad I ran into you

but not just because of the weed

Because this is

my last day in Drumban

Really?

You folk got all you need?

I think so

We're going to pick up some publicity

shots in Oldgrange later, then I'm off

I can't even imagine

leaving Drumban

It's easier than you think

You obviously never

felt comfortable in Drumban

I did actually once

So why has it taken

you over 20 years to come back?

I don't know

I guess I didn't want

to come back

I don't know

Like some sad stowaway

or something

- Damaged luggage returned

- Right

You wanted to come back with

a show and tow like Helen of Troy?

Yes, I actually f*cking did

I'm sorry, but I wanted to come

back like Helen of cunting Troy

No need to apologize

not to me, anyway

I don't have to apologize

because I've done nothing wrong!

Apart from the whole wrong bed thing

Besides the wrap party and many

other mistakes that I have made!

sh*t!

I think I'd better go

Are you coming?

No, I'm going to chill here

with Colonel Sanders for a wee minute

We can't all leave

f*cking hell!

Holy sh*t!

f*ck the bed

"Why is it moving around like that?"

The drone technician says it's due to

unanticipated weather conditions

Really?

They didn't anticipate that

winter in Ireland would be windy

Well, I'm on the last flight out of here

and I don't plan on missing it, so

I would love a hero shot that didn't

look like the POV of a drunken bird

Copy that

Are they with us?

"No, we don't have

any background today"

It's probably a hippy thing

Apparently, this place has

a Stonehenge vibe, a proper alt

It'll be a big draw

for the daydreamers and night dwellers

Night dwellers?

Yeah, your ghost lovers

your goths, your alien chasers

What the hell do the Celts

have to do with aliens?

You tell me

- Chin up, please

- Big Jim!

- Do you have a minute?

- Always for you, boss

Where's your baby?

f*ck! I've left the baby in the car!

Anyway, I see, the baby

hasn't been born yet, I'm just

- Rehearsing?

- Okay, listen

I've been hearing that some

press may have been given the news

about your wife's living arrangements

which clearly is not ideal

I may have spoken to a journal

about the prison thing

- Who'd you tell?

- It's a local gym magazine

for priests who work out

Muscle Mass, it's called

James, we're going to need

you to stop talking to journalists

For your own good

We've got a

A whole strategy

behind our publicity campaign

But he said he'd leave out the Sporking

stuff, if I just told him some of the storyline

Just don't talk to anyone

- Coolio?

- Coolio

R.I.P.

This show is your church now, okay?

That's a tough one for me, boss

You see, I grew up an altar boy

So you should know

how to shut the f*ck up

- Just messing with you!

- Christ! Brutal and funny

Your Irish is coming back

- Can I get you anything, Seamie?

- No

She'll be missed

Betty was a tough woman, but

You knew where you were with her

It'll be a different town next week

with the film crew gone

- Back to normal

- I believe it's their last night

The film crew down in Oldgrange

apparently, all of them

Shelly, could I have you for a sec?

Is everything alright Barry?

Is there enough sandwiches?

Everything is fine just

Would you mind switching the music?

Sure can do

Any requests?

- No, just anything but the Bee Gees

- Got you!

Hey, I would've been absolutely lost

without this fella the last while, Seamie

Well nice to see him

make himself useful

"Where you going, Seamie?"

What, just get some air

- And you need the car for that?

- No

- I'm popping to Oldgrange

- "What are you f*cking talking about?"

- Your friend's mother just died

- Barry won't even notice I'm gone

I'll be back before

the last pint's pulled

Here, I've been meaning to ask you

how did it go with the Medical Board?

Great

They temporarily

suspended my medical license

You're joking?

I hear Ibiza's very handsome

this time of year

Maybe your spaceship can fly us

Catherine

Are you embarrassed by me?

- Do you want me to be honest?

- Why start now?

Excuse me?

Don't you think I feel a bit

embarrassed watching my wife of 20 years

making eyes with some

sappy maths teacher every day?

- Making eyes?

- Making more than eyes, I'd say

Seamus, do you think

I'm having an affair?

No, I know for sure

Since when?

Close enough to the start, I'd say

You just smelled different

And one day, I realized that

it was cheap men's deodorant

- Why didn't say anything?

- I don't know

It was awful knowing

But you seemed happy

Which meant that

you weren't moving heaven and earth

to make me

miserable like you usually are

But it started to feel

like you wanted to get caught

It feels a bit cruel

Maybe I did

I'm sorry

Do you want a divorce?

- Look, I think it's important that we

- I'm sure we'll have further conversations

Catherine, but I'm going to have

to stick a pin in it for now

What? Because you have

to go chasing aliens?

Better than chasing maths teachers

That's something we share?

The thrill of the chase?

Fair play to you, Catherine

you never let the chair slow you down

What a f*cking thing to say!

For you to say!

What, chair jokes?

When you're

the f*cking reason I'm in it!

- Catherine

- Yeah, right, on you go

And do your f*cking Mork

and Mindy routine

- You know, just be careful on the roads now

- Catherine

I just hope

you haven't been drinking this time

You know I wasn't drunk that night

All I know is that

I was unconscious

And the guard who

you played f*cking football with

chose not to breathalyze you

And when I woke up

they gave me this

That's what I know

So drive safe now

Sorry, shall I go?

No, you're grand

Finish your drink

I just don't want any late comers

f*cking wrecked

And I have to bring

up next week's Guinness kegs

And nobody complimented

my f*cking sandwiches

- I'm happy to do some lifting

- I ate six egg mayo alone

Big strong legs on me

I could f*cking

kiss yous both right now

Just four more to go

and we're good

Hey there

Where are the TV people at?

The last of them left an hour ago

f*ck it!

- What are you folks doing?

- Waiting

What are you doing?

Well, on Monday

I was married and respected doctor

I'm not sure what I'm doing now

Right!

Thanks

Alright

Well, a promise is a promise

Sonny

Tapaigh an deis

Thanks for your help

He didn't do much

Now, you guys kiss

Well, then who knows

what might happen

No intimacy, only contempt

What?

Incredible! Jesus Christ!

- I didn't think I'd actually get yous to do it

- Wait, what?

I thought I might get yous

to like hold hands or some sh*t

but that was wonderful

sweet Jesus!

You! You minx!

"It was like Casablanca

there for a minute"

"Well, alright"

- Alright, Pubba

- I just got caught short

- Oh, yeah?

- I'm sure the druids won't mind

Welcome, everybody!

Great turn out this year

Bualadh bos

Play well

and we'll make contact, it's close

- "Ready yourselves"

- And

Better luck next year!

Well, this is me

Nice to meet you

Safe home

What are we missing?