Adult Best Friends (2024)

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Why are you in here?

Maddie said the seventh grade

boys are sneaking over

for a kissing party.

-I know. I'm so nervous.

-Then don't do it.

I'm calling my mom

to pick me up.

You can't! Maddie said

we all have to kiss them.

I don't wanna kiss.

Or wear thong underpants.

I hate thong underpants.

But I'm worried if

I wear normal underpants

and don't kiss and stuff,

then Maddie won't invite me

to sleepovers anymore.

Well,

you could sleep over at mine.

Tonight?

Yeah. I mean, we're not allowed

to watch TV, which sucks,

but we could do braids.

-And I have a trundle bed.

-I love trundle beds!

Do you have a best friend?

No. You?

No.

Hello, today...

- we're doing Katie's hair.

- Yeah!

Yeah.

So, that's Delaney's future.

You are going to be a doctor.

I don't wanna be a doctor!

This is Katie's future.

You are getting married

to Daniel.

Daniel is so annoying.

Okay. Read another

post. Give me a hard one.

Uh, okay.

"From Seattle to Savannah.

What a long, strange trip

it's been. #VanLife."

- Tom Breyer?

- How did you know that?

'Cause Tom Breyer

needs to get a job.

-Another one. Get a good one.

-Let me find a good one. Okay.

Uh...

- Okay. This one's hard.

- Okay.

"Here's to adulting forever

with this one.

He put a ring on it!"

Singular exclamation.

-Sarah Casper.

-You're cheating.

I'm not cheating. I'm that good.

-She's engaged?

-Yeah.

She's a child.

She is 32 years old.

Sarah Casper would throw it all

away for, like, some random guy.

I don't think he's random.

They've been dating

since college.

Do you have any snacks?

-Did you not eat dinner?

-I had peanut butter.

-And what?

-A spoon?

Oh, my God.

Let me make you something.

I'll just have saltines

when I get home.

Oh, my God, no.

I'll make you, um--

I'll make you a turkey burger.

-I can put poblanos on top.

-What's poblanos?

Oh, it's a giant Mexican pepper.

It's actually

our favorite pepper.

Second only to the jalapeo.

You'll love it, I promise.

- It's really good.

- Mm-hmm.

Mmm, I'm fine, thank you.

Well, if you're not hungry,

maybe you want a joke

that I heard today?

It made me think of you

instantly.

Okay. This is very good.

Okay, so there-- there are

two pigs in a pit of mud,

and-- and the wife pig, uh,

turns to the husband and says...

No, no, the husband

says to the wife.

You're right. You're right.

Um, the-- the husband pig

says to the wife, "Hey,

-did you see Farmer Jane--"

-Should we get going?

Party started

nine o'clock, so...

Oh,

you wanna go to that?

Yeah.

Really?

My throat feels kind of weird.

I-- I feel like...

I don't know if I got

everyone sick, but I--

-You don't feel warm. Feel good.

-No? Oh, you feel cold.

-Okay.

-Do you not wanna go?

Is it crazy to stay here?

I mean, we have food here,

blankets here.

I'm comfortable,

you're comfortable.

-We can watch a movie.

-Yeah, but hey,

if Katie doesn't

wanna go out, Delaney,

I'd love to go out with you.

Please don't make me go alone.

I'm nervous

and I'll get too f*cked up.

No, you will not.

Like, she doesn't

even come out anymore,

because she's always

with her boyfriend, "John."

I don't know why I did that.

His name is John.

John.

John,

you think she's okay, right?

Mm-hmm.

No, I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go meet her.

I don't like him.

Is that wrong to say? You know?

Like, if you don't like

your best friend's boyfriend.

It's the way he makes her,

if that makes sense.

Occupied!

Oh, you know what, though? My--

my contacts are already out.

And that's, like, a whole thing.

Only a year,

and she moves in with him.

Kind of fast, if you ask me.

But nobody asked me.

I'm gonna go meet her

for a little.

Okay?

John?

Yes, he's hot.

I get it. I see it.

But he's boring.

Occupied!

- I think she's fine.

- Mmm.

Yeah.

I'll come have sex.

How do you

have the patience?

Well,

we actually had an agreement

that if I set up his Wi-Fi,

he promised to wear boxers

under his shorts

-during our PT sessions.

-Oh, well.

-That could be worth it.

-It's a give and a take,

- but, yeah.

- Yeah.

-This looks nice, right?

-Yeah, I like it.

-In the shade. It's good.

-Okay, perfect.

Ah-- Oh.

Don't suppose I could get you

to call her back, maybe?

She gets so anxious

when she's hungover.

Yeah, no, she does.

I just, um--

-I just wanted to ask--

-How was it?

No,

my Uber's now 27 minutes away!

Where are you?

I answered a 2:00 a.m. text

from this guy.

And the drunker he got,

the more he talked about Julia.

Yeah, not an ex.

It's his female friend

that he's clearly in love with.

Did you hook up?

Yes. He asked me to role-play.

Oh, wow. Like, be a cheerleader

or something? That's--

Oh, I wish. More like we're

best friends and I suddenly

-see him in a new light.

-Oh, my God.

I'm gonna order a pizza to

my apartment. What do you want?

Ah, that sounds good. No, John

and I are doing a-- a picnic.

Do you wanna come?

You know what? No.

I'll-- I'll just try you later.

Okay. Bye.

All right. Bye.

Well, she's fine,

but she met a new guy, and--

-Oh, my God!

-It's okay!

-No, no, no--

-It's okay. It's okay.

As long as I have

your undivided attention now.

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

When I first moved here, it took

me a while to get adjusted.

Yeah, you were mugged, like,

three times that first week.

Right, well, I thought everyone

needed directions. But then...

then I met you.

And you actually

needed directions.

And I'm so, so glad

that I walked you

into that coffee shop,

because you have made

my life so much better

than I ever thought

that I deserved.

Will you marry me?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah? Yeah.

I hate the art

Katie left here.

- It's so gross.

- It's sentimental.

Okay, well, I live here

now, and I like actual art.

Let me just ask Katie

if she wants it

before we throw it away.

Where is Katie? I feel like

she's usually here by now, like,

complaining about some

ugly house she can't sell.

She's doing a picnic with John.

Like, eating on the ground?

Yeah. I feel so bad for her.

You know, it's like

she misses the party last night,

and now she has to waste

her entire Sunday

doing a picnic with her

boyfriend?

-Ugh.

-Can I say something?

I really don't buy John's whole

"I'm such a nice guy" thing.

Like, you're a pervert.

You literally touch

old ladies all day.

That's his job. He's a physical

therapist for old people.

Katie would fall for a pervert.

I mean, she's clueless.

Remember that time she got you,

like, a briefcase filled with

old papers for your birthday?

Those were

my great-grandparents'

-birth certificates.

-Why would you want that?

She likes thoughtful surprises.

She's exactly like my sister.

She's nothing like your sister.

Mary had one kid,

and now she won't shut up

-about her pelvic floor.

-Yeah, Mary's the worst.

And her baby isn't even cute.

I can't imagine

having a baby right now.

It's actually disgusting

to have a baby.

-Or getting married?

-k*ll me.

But we're pretty far from that.

"We," like, you and me.

No, me and Katie.

Delaney, what?

You and Katie are on

totally different paths.

I mean,

Katie lives with her boyfriend.

They're very serious.

And you literally still, like,

f*ck the first guy who

shares a cigarette with you.

- Ahh!

- Wow!

-We love you so much.

-We love you. Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

We love you so much.

We cannot wait to celebrate

with you guys.

We're so excited.

Bye.

I love your family. I love them.

Did you see

your sister was crying?

Yeah! No, it's funny.

She's known for months.

How did I not find this ring?

Oh, the ring was

in a box, in a bin,

in an air vent in my office.

-You were never finding it.

-Wow. And how about Delaney

playing it so cool?

Yeah, no, I didn't tell Delaney.

What?

Oh, well, I figured

you wanted to tell her, right?

-Yeah!

-Yeah.

So Delaney has no idea.

No, but we can call her

right now, maybe.

Uh, yeah! Um, let's call her

later, though, 'cause I think

-she's probably asleep.

-No, it's fine.

We'll just call her

from my phone.

It'll be a big surprise,

I promise.

Yeah.

- Hey.

- Hello?

You can just leave

the pizza at the door,

and I'll grab it. Thank you.

Does she not have

my number saved?

No, she does. I think she does.

I thought you'd be

pretty excited to tell her.

I am.

I-- I really am.

I just-- I just wanna...

tell her later.

Right.

I know, um,

I'm not her favorite person.

That is not true, John.

She loves you.

It's just that she has

a hard time with change.

You know, when she was younger,

her parents sold

the family minivan,

and she asked if she could

go visit it at its new house.

Okay. Yeah, that's--

really sweet of her

to wanna check in on it.

And then remember when

I told her I was moving out?

She didn't talk to me

for, like, two weeks.

- Mm-hmm.

- And whenever I passed her door,

she'd be muttering

"Benedict Arnold."

Right, but-- but this,

this is a good change.

I know, and I'm so excited,

and I love you so much,

and I-- and I cannot wait

to get married.

But I-- I just wanna make sure

I tell her in the--

just in the right way for her.

Okay?

So let's

parking lot the holiday

campaign

and dig into the

meat and taters

of our Spring Into

Content campaign.

So this campaign is--

it's gonna be a big lift.

So we really need

to stop the scroll.

We need some big ideas.

We need some blue-sky ideas.

And, like, we just, like,

really need everybody on this.

But I was kind of thinking,

Delaney,

maybe you could

run point for us.

Hmm, I don't--

I don't really have

the bandwidth

for that right now.

Copy that. Luca,

it's all yours.

Uh-- Okay. Uh, wow.

Yeah, that's-- that is just--

that's amazing.

I do just wanna flag

that I'm working overtime

on two major campaigns

right now

since Delaney didn't have

the bandwidth last month.

So it's just kind of all

fallen on my shoulders.

So that's-- that's

totally fine.

I just do just wanna flag that.

No, and thank you

for flagging that.

Delaney, do you think

you could maybe, like,

carve out some time

to kind of tag-team it?

Yeah, I-- I gotta flag that I'm

spread pretty thin over here.

What are you working on,

Delaney?

-Putting out fires.

-What kind of fires?

Big ones with employees

that you don't know.

Right, and is that why

your camera's always off?

Mmm, no, my camera's off, Luca,

because it's allowed to be off.

Okay, guys,

I think we should finish up

with a round

of peaks and valleys.

So my valley was missing

last week's happy hour.

Never has someone

been so missed.

But my peak is that

it's on the books

for next week.

Popcorn to Delaney.

I guess my valley was

editing Luca's Q4 pitch,

and then my peak

was it's done now.

Popcorn to Alex.

You know...

my valley was that

Ryan and I hit a speed bump.

-Wow.

-So he-- he wants to open up

the relationship, and I just,

I don't think that I have

the sexual confidence

to withstand it.

So we're taking some time apart

to kind of ideate

on next steps.

But, Alex, are you okay?

How are you feeling?

You know, like,

I was upset, obviously.

-Of course.

-I was really upset for a beat.

But then I had a one-on-one

with my best friend.

You know, we went out, we got

some drinks, we blew off steam,

just like old times,

just the two of us,

and that, like,

really, really helped.

Best friends just get it.

Oh, we're so aligned

on that, Luca.

So what was Dad's reaction?

We FaceTimed him quickly.

Yeah,

he was really happy for us.

-Yeah.

-Aww.

Yeah.

I mean, not that happy.

-Oh.

-Come on.

He was really excited,

it seemed.

Yeah, or you knew

to call him after 5:00.

Speaking of alcoholics,

how did Delaney take the news?

Um, she was happy. Fine. Good.

Delaney doesn't know yet.

Katie wanted to tell her

in her own way

before we told anybody else.

That is so classic. I--

Do you know that Delaney knew

that our parents were

getting divorced before I did?

- Is-- is that true?

- Yeah.

I mean, uh,

she's my best friend, so...

I think you'd get it if--

if you had a best friend.

Well, my wife is

my best friend, so.

Daria, who's your best friend?

No, I-- I'd rather not say.

We're each other's best friends.

-Each other's best--

-Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Like normal adults.

Delaney loves Katie.

She'll be really happy

once we tell her.

John, have you ever heard of

expectation

recalibration therapy?

I was reading

an article about it,

-and I think--

-Excuse me, what article?

It's an article. And I--

Where was this article?

In the journals for doctor--

repeat, doctors.

Henry,

have you been listening again

to my sessions with my patients?

Anyway,

expectation recalibration

is basically a therapy

where you work

to accept that someone

will never change, right?

Like, they suck,

like, medically.

And in your case,

that's Delaney,

and in our case, it's our dad.

So, I mean, Daria confirmed

that he's a narcissist.

Oh, I have never treated

your father,

and I've never made

any medical claims about him.

-Excuse me.

-Yeah, I mean, but you have.

I mean, we've talked about that.

-What are you talking about?

-About-- you know.

-What are you--

-I sent him 20 of my poems

in the past year. Twenty.

And he never once told me

that I was talented.

Right?

I mean, how hard is it

to reply with a compliment?

How hard is it to, like,

you know, just say,

like, a simple, Henry, you are

a brilliant artist, right?

And it is a crime

that you have to edit

other people's much

weaker novels instead of

traveling the world

on your own book tour, right?

He is selfish,

Katie, and so is Delaney.

Yeah, I hear you. Um...

I-- I don't think

Delaney's selfish.

I think she has

a hard time with change.

Daria was treating

our neighbor the other day.

-Henry!

-No, he's a total freak, Daria.

I mean, he gets off on lizards.

And l-- did he say

blizzards or was it lizards?

-It was lizards, right?

-Yes, it was lizards.

It was lizards.

He gets off on lizards,

and his wife wants

to divorce him, clearly.

And Daria said something

that I think applies here.

Tell them the thing

about the change.

Oh.

Well, you know, uh,

people's nerves about change,

they can be calmed

by the familiar.

So, you take them to

a comfortable environment,

and you break the news.

It's kind of like you take

your kids to their favorite

ice cream shop and tell them

you're getting a divorce.

I mean, I think that's

something that you should

consider with Delaney.

I mean, she's about as mature

as an eight-year-old, so...

I've seen her hork down

a pint of Chubby Hubby

in one sitting,

so we know she likes ice cream.

Yeah.

In our latest episode of...

That's not a real basketball.

Third from the left is cake.

You know, I decided

I don't even want cake

at my birthday this year.

I actually think

it's really weird to,

like, bring out food

and then make people eat it.

-Did you find a bar yet?

-Think I'm gonna do it here.

But I'm going for

a very specific aesthetic,

so if you could not invite--

Ah, no!

Thought you'd be asleep.

Katie, I didn't know

you still had a key.

Uh, Delaney said I could

keep one for emergencies.

What's the emergency?

Um, well, this time

it's not so much an emergency,

really, as it is, um,

a surprise for my best friend.

Oh, man, I had-- I actually

had this whole thing planned

and I was gonna sneak in

and, like, put clues

around the apartment,

but, okay, whatever.

Since you're awake,

I'll just show you now.

Ah! Huh?

What the f*ck is that?

I planned us

a mini beach vacation.

-You don't seem excited.

-What's there to be

excited about, Katie?

It's the beach.

I'm excited. I-I really am.

Um, and that poster is-- that's

your most thoughtful gift yet.

Do you see the umbrella?

I see the umbrella.

You know these trips

can be kind of weird for me.

Is John at least

bringing a friend?

No, no, John's not coming.

-Why?

-Yeah, why?

No reason. I just thought it

would be great for the two of us

to go on a trip, connect,

have some quality time.

Like old times?

Yes, yes, just like old times.

Ew.

All right. There we go.

-Nice.

-We're here.

What time is check-in

at the Pelican Palace?

Surprise. We aren't staying

at the Pelican Palace.

What?

Yeah, I got us a--

I got us a rental house,

actually, on Wonder Weekend.

Mm-hmm. Wonder Weekend rentals

kind of creep me out.

I don't like the idea of using

other people's

kitchen appliances.

But you're okay

sleeping in a bed

where a bunch of high schoolers

just rounded the bases?

But the Pelican Palace

is where all the parties end up.

I know. Imagine that noise.

Wouldn't sleep a frickin' wink.

Is there a bar?

What, at the rental house?

Is it a shared space or private?

Private.

And there's a lock box,

so we don't even

have to meet the guy.

You found it.

Huh. Oh.

Gosh, GPS can be

a little wonky here,

so I'm so glad

you guys figured it out.

How are we doing?

Are you, uh...

Are you, uh, Douglas?

Are you my fifth-grade teacher?

Just Dougie's fine, yeah.

I-- I just asked because

the listing had said that

there was a lock box, so

I didn't think we'd get to meet.

Here she is.

Yeah, I love to walk everyone

through the space first,

only because it's

a really important place to me.

-Oh.

-It was my mom's.

She, uh-- she died here.

Oh, gosh, no.

Not in the front yard.

-Oh!

-She died inside.

Katie, right?

So you must be Delaney.

-Mm-hmm.

-Yeah.

Love that name. Family name?

-It was my grandfather's.

-Oh, my gosh.

I was named after

my mom's brother,

who we don't talk to anymore.

He's a-- he's a pedophile, so...

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Oh, no, no, no.

He was always

cool with me, yeah.

But, uh, called a lot, you know,

when he was doing time.

Yeah, I guess inmates are, like,

really hard on child predators.

I didn't mind saying hi then,

but once he got out

and started coming

here unannounced...

Oh, my gosh.

I keep talking and talking.

You guys probably just

wanna see inside, right?

-Pretty cute, huh?

-I love it.

Yeah, Mom left the place

to me and my sister,

but Lauren has a family now,

so she let me

keep it all to myself.

-Ah, score.

-Yeah.

Oh, all the art on

the wall is for sale.

Oh.

Oh...

What little munchkin did these?

I am an artist.

Yeah, well,

technically my day job

is medical sales, but I've

been working my tush off and--

Is there a Wi-Fi password?

Uh, yeah. It was in the welcome

pamphlet that I sent over.

Because guests

are really supposed to

read the pamphlet

before they check in, so...

-Oh.

-But it's okay.

I have a spare set

of rules right here.

-Oh, perfect.

-Here you go.

Oh, I also threw in

my favorite local spots.

-You girls hot dog fans?

-Dingo's Dogs.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, um, we know it.

We used to come here

when we were little.

Fun. Yeah.

-Sisters?

-Best friends.

I love, uh, best friends.

Any big plans for

best friends night?

Um, I think we'll probably...

hang here, make a cheese plate.

You get plenty

of cheese at home.

Oh...

I thought we could go to a bar.

I mean,

I brought a lot of orange wine

-for us to drink here.

-Oh! That's a no.

What is?

Uh, no alcohol on the premises.

That's ridiculous.

Um, what she means is

we were really just

gonna have a glass or two.

Yeah, no exception to the rules.

Was it just a quick skim

of the welcome email?

Because no shoes

is also a big one.

I can't sleep with

the sound of stomping.

I thought this

was a private space.

Yeah, the upstairs

is your private domain.

I hang my hat in

the subterranean domicile.

I live in the basement.

What are you doing?

Pedophile has this address.

Okay, well,

it's a good thing we're adults.

I look young.

See what happens when you stray

from places you know and love?

Your mom got staph

at the Pelican Palace.

The Pelican Palace is fun.

They keep beers

in the ice machine.

You prefer dirty ice?

Over a literal deathbed? Yeah.

Okay, I put a lot of effort

into planning this trip,

and I would like if we could at

least relax and try to connect,

enjoy ourselves,

appreciate where we are.

-Ow!

-Shh!

Cameras? What the hell?

What? Remember when

I worked at Urban Outfitters?

All right,

those cameras aren't even on.

People just see them

and are less likely to steal.

Do you see any ironic coffee

table books for sale here?

Because I don't.

Dougie isn't

warding off shoplifters.

He's watching us

to get his rocks off.

He is not camped out

in front of the monitor

with his hands down his pants.

He's nice.

No. No.

I'm not staying here all night

and being one of Dougie's

cheese-eating cam girls, okay?

I'm going to a bar.

-All night at a bar?

-Yeah.

Shh, shh.

Thing is, though, if it's loud,

we won't really be able to talk.

We talk all day.

I know. That's a good point.

Yeah, let's go to a bar.

Man.

This place has really changed.

It used to get packed.

I saw this pottery place

in town,

and they have a morning class

that teaches you

how to make little bowls

for your keys.

I kind of was hoping

we'd sleep in.

Yeah, it's not till 7:00.

Okay. Cheers to this weekend.

-Thank you for planning it.

-Um...

as you know, we've had

so many great memories here

as friends, and we've crossed

so many milestones together.

And I thought it would

be the perfect place

to come to cross one more.

And I think that it's the most

important thing that we do

if we are able to flourish

together, like two roses,

two best friends,

I guess, roses, who, um...

-Uh, can I get a beer, please?

-Yeah.

That guy? Real hot.

-Who?

-The helmet guy.

Can I do double whiskey?

Uh, okay. That's not

why we're here. Um, okay.

So I was saying, we have crossed

so many milestones together

here as friends, and--

He looks like Dennis Fuller.

Oh, Dennis Fuller.

Another loser.

Should we go talk to him?

I-- I'm in the middle

of saying something, okay?

Um...

You gonna pick that up?

I'm gonna call him back.

Uh, I'm gonna be quick.

Don't move.

Sorry, uh,

had to get to a quiet place.

Delaney dragged me to a bar.

You out celebrating?

-Celebrating?

-The proposal.

-Katie?

-Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It cut out for a sec.

Um, yeah-- yeah, not yet.

You said that you would

tell her by tonight.

No, no, I know. I--

I was-- I was just about to

when you called.

Well, Daria sent over

some invitation samples,

and she said we should

pick one by next week.

Okay, yeah, sounds good.

I'll send you some photos,

and then you can decide,

or I can decide, you can

send me photos right back.

- Uh, whichever.

- Okay.

-I'll text you later.

-I'll text you later.

-Love you. Bye.

-Love you. Bye.

-Checking in?

-Ugh, you gotta to check in.

I'm the social sheriff

for Sigma Nu,

so I got to plan

this bachelor party

for my almost bro-in-law,

and I always go big.

Last month, we had a naughty

nuns and a frisky friars party.

-Friars are like bald priests.

-Tell me, what do you do?

Uh, finance.

-Okay, humble.

-Do you follow crypto?

Because he--

he created Apex Coin.

Uh, GQ did vote on one

of their up-and-coming coins

of the year this year,

but it's not a big deal.

Oh, my God. Anybody could make

this little itty-bitty coin.

Nobody's-- Oh, I'm so sorry.

-Sorry. Hey.

-Hi. Um, I'm Katie.

Hey, Kaylee. Oh, my God.

You look exactly like my twins.

Look at that.

Is Apex Coin funding

any strippers this weekend?

I don't pay

for intimate experiences.

I do. I wanted one real bad.

I found one online

that's so mean to you.

-They, like--

-Sorry about him.

The legend himself.

It's Charlie.

Delaney. Katie.

Nice to meet you, Katie. Again.

Do you think it was

a bad idea to have

a college junior

plan my bachelor party?

Uh, we're actually

probably gonna head out.

Oh, would you actually mind

opening these for us?

All good. I got it. Oh, no.

P-p-p-party flops! Ha. Yeah.

You didn't-- you didn't

wanna use your party flop?

-You.

-Thank you.

One beer and we go?

One beer and we go.

-Let's go.

-Yeah, let's f*cking go!

I'm gonna fire up some tunes.

That smells f*cking awful.

Oh, my God, that smells so bad.

Wait, I didn't smell anything.

I didn't--

What's it smell like?

Oh!

Yo.

Did anybody see a dog

walk through here?

Bottle opener on

the bottom of a shoe?

Stop smiling.

Stop.

And I don't know what kind

of moron walks through dog sh*t

and has no idea.

He didn't even know how to get

strippers for a bachelor party.

Well, not all guys

like strippers.

-That one I get.

-Yeah, totally.

-John really doesn't.

-Okay.

John actually doesn't.

-Because he has a sister.

-He does?

You've hung out with her

like, three times.

Oh, right.

Will you open the door?

-You have the key.

-You have the key.

-No.

-I have the key?

-You wanted to carry it.

-I have the key.

I don't have the key.

Where-- Where'd it go?

It might've fallen out

of my pocket.

-Why can't you carry a purse?

-I'm sorry.

I need to brush my teeth.

We can go back to the bar

and look for them?

No.

You know what we have to do?

No.

Yeah.

-Sorry again, Dougie.

-Oh, that's fine.

-I was only asleep for an hour.

-Okay, good.

-Have you--

-Oh! Sorry.

Just pop those off for me.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

-Sorry.

-It's just the rules.

-Thank you.

-I just forgot.

That's fine.

I love those flats.

Oh, sorry.

Before you go back

down to the basement,

what's the deal

with the cameras?

Oh, my gosh.

I had to up my security

after a nightmare renter.

You ever heard of a home birth?

But the cameras

don't actually record.

Oh, no.

They're the real deal.

Yeah.

No audio, of course, 'cause you

need a permit for that.

And no cameras in the bedrooms

or bathrooms.

-This was all in the--

-Uh, in the welcome email.

-Yeah.

-Was it just a quick skim?

'Cause we can pop a squat,

and look things over

if you want.

-Oh.

-No.

We should not pop any squats.

We'd like to go to bed,

and we'd like to watch TV alone.

Do you guys know how

to work the Roku?

Yes. Yes.

Uh, saw that in the binder.

She saw the--

ah, I crack myself up.

Hmm!

I don't have a Roku.

It was a trick question.

You fell right into my trap.

I'm really gonna need you

to do a refresher

on the rules after I leave.

Okay?

I'm gonna need a verbal "K"

from both of you.

Okay.

Hmm?

Okay.

And while I'm at it, why don't

I throw us all in a group text?

Just in case of emergencies.

Katie, I have your digits,

but, um...

Delaney?

Mm.

What time is it?

It's early.

Um...

It's really early.

Go back to bed.

I'm gonna, um...

I'm gonna go get us coffees.

It's a matter

of privacy, I don't know.

And I think it's a little weird

for your friend's wife

to post something

before I, the bride,

have posted anything,

you know? I mean...

But you told Delaney,

right?

Yes. Yes, I...

I told her we were engaged. I--

Okay, I will ask them

to take it down.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I just don't

want it up there. Okay.

I gotta go.

Yeah. All right,

I love you. Bye.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

I almost didn't recognize you

without the dog sh*t

-on your cup.

-Oh.

-That's funny.

-Too soon?

I, um-- Sorry,

I overheard you on the phone.

I didn't realize

you were a bride.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you.

Thank you. It's, um...

It's really recent.

Um, and, um...

I'm really, really excited.

I just need to figure out, um...

I haven't told, uh,

my best friend yet.

Uh, Delaney,

who you met last night.

So I just need to, you know,

figure stuff out, so...

What, she doesn't like him?

Uh, you know, I mean, she's--

she's not the most

emotive person, so it can be...

It can be-- It was hard

to tell in the beginning,

but yeah, she likes him.

She does.

Yeah, she does like him.

Yeah. Now say it one more time,

but I want you

to really mean it.

She-- She does like him, so.

Look, a few of my friends

weren't that happy for me

when I got engaged.

I think they're just freaked out

that they think your fianc's

gonna hijack your life,

and they're never

gonna see you again.

I know, which is crazy. It's--

One of them just straight-up

stopped inviting me places,

because he said I don't know

how to hang anymore.

Not that that's gonna

happen to you, I think--

No. No, I know.

Um...

-Yeah.

-Okay. Good luck with...

you know.

-Enjoy your coffee.

-Yeah.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-You're up!

-What time is it?

Time to get up. Cold brew?

There you go.

-It's beautiful out, by the way.

-Where's my phone?

Our phones are tucked away

safely in the kitchen drawer.

-Why?

-Because,

today is about having fun

without distractions.

We're gonna float around

untethered to technology,

just like when we were little.

-What happened to pottery?

-Oh, we're not going to pottery.

We're gonna be wild.

Crazy. Spontaneous.

We are goin' off the grid.

All right? Get up, get up,

get up, get up, get up!

I think it was a left

back there?

I was following you.

-I'm following you.

-Why?

-I'm left-brained.

-No, I'm left-brained.

Which one's the one

that's bad at math?

Because you're that one.

That's very rude.

You know what's rude

is those are my sneakers,

and you're wearing them,

and you didn't ask me.

- Katie? Oh!

- Gwen!

Oh, my God. Hi.

- And Delaney.

- Hey, Gwen.

Oh, my God. Wow.

You two, hanging out.

It's like stepping back

into 2008 again.

I love it.

Mm!

-You have a baby.

-Mm-hmm.

- Congratulations.

- Hmm, yeah, Max.

But she's a girl.

Oh, she's amazing.

She's such a great eater.

-She sleeps eight to eight.

-Wow, that's awesome,

um, are you here

for the weekend?

Oh, no. My partner and I,

we live here full-time.

Yeah, we moved away from

the city, which was super scary.

But, you know, I love it.

Wait, did I see

that you got married?

Uh, no. No.

- That's right. No.

- Oh, you know what?

I'm thinking about the other

Katie in your grade.

Yeah, the other Katie,

she had her wedding

featured on Nautical Nuptials.

Amazing.

Wow.

Well, what are you up to today?

Uh, we-- we're probably

just gonna grab some food

at the deli, actually, in town.

Oh, my God.

Their lox is what got me

through my second trimester.

Just the craziest cravings

with this little one.

You know, pistachios, fish,

cottage cheese,

butt stuff, whatever.

You name it, I had it.

Oh, crazy idea alert,

but we're actually having

a BBQ at mine today.

You should come.

-Is it a party?

-It's a BBQ.

Yeah. Come.

Mm!

Sorry, we just, we get

a little crazy on the weekends.

Well, I mean, as,

you know, crazy as we can

with a little one.

Oh! Yeah.

Um, so, what is it you do, Theo?

I'm a filmmaker.

Yeah, um, commercials.

Yeah, we-- he just got back

from Tokyo.

Oh, wow.

You know, I--

I hear Japan's amazing.

What commercial

were you sh**ting?

Um, it's nothing.

Sweetie, well,

just tell-- tell them.

-No, just-- just a small thing.

-Oh, he's being so modest.

He's being modest.

He was sh**ting

a watch commercial

with Brad Pitt,

and Natalie Portman.

- Oh, wow.

- Gee.

Uh, that's-- that's so cool.

Did you get to meet them,

the celebrities?

Yeah, that's not really

why I do it, though.

- Hmm.

- Hmm.

-No, of course not.

-Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Hmm.

Oh, hello.

-Oh.

-Oh, hi.

Oh, oh no, careful.

She-- she-- she can bite.

- Oh.

- Oh, she does?

Uh, well, yeah, I guess

she really likes you.

Um...

Actually, I've never seen her

do that with anyone but me.

Hmm?

Myrtle, why don't you--

why don't you come here?

Come. Come to papa, hey?

Come on. Myrtle!

Hmm! Ah!

I think, um, yeah, I think

it's your turn, Daddy.

You know, I'm pretty sure

I read in the book

that it's better

to let 'em cry it out, right?

No, that's for, um,

when we're putting her

to sleep, babe.

-Yes, well, and nappies.

-No, no, not just nappies.

Oh! There, she wants--

she wants to come.

Come on.

Yeah, why don't you?

Ah! Yeah, okay.

Oh! There we go.

Oh! You know what,

we're gonna...

look after the child as well.

Come on.

-Yeah.

-Just excuse me, okay?

- No, that's okay.

- Okay.

I'm very worried

about the dog.

I'm sorry, okay?

I felt bad.

I saw them wandering

the neighborhood,

looking longingly

at all these families,

What was I supposed to do?

You know we don't invite

strangers into this house.

First it was the kitten

in the garage,

now it's these spinsters

from your past.

Baby, we have a child.

We do? Wow!

I just forgot about

the 46 hours of labor,

and my torn an*s.

The chatty one

is hiding something,

and I know that you don't care,

but the mute keeps on

fiddling with Myrtle.

I want them gone.

I want my life back.

Ladies,

I couldn't find any weed,

but, some ketamine!

f*ck.

Ow!

Oh, it hit my spine.

Ow!

Oh, my God.

Since when is petting

a dog weird?

It's not like

I was only petting tail.

I'm serious!

Okay, well,

I'm not "hiding anything."

They're just frickin' nuts.

Whatever,

that's the most excitement

-they've seen in months, so.

-Yeah?

Her partner just shot

a commercial with Brad Pitt,

but, I hear you.

Yeah, they clearly

hate each other, though.

Hate each other.

Maybe they're a little tired.

Just had a baby.

Or maybe they were in love

and then they had the baby...

and now they hate each other.

- That's real nice.

- I'm-- I'm sorry.

That's the reason

I don't want kids.

All right, I know you want kids.

I-- I mean it.

I don't want kids.

Okay, you don't mean that.

Don't say that.

Um, I do mean it.

I don't want kids.

Delaney, you don't mean that.

Stop.

Can we not

have this conversation?

Because that really put

a damper on my entire day.

Yes, okay, sorry.

Um...

Okay, what do you want to do?

- Follow me.

- Okay.

-Yeah.

-Ooh!

I'm gonna get this

with my name on it.

And then she's gonna get

this with her name on it.

What's the other 2%?

Um, paralegal?

Okay!

Hi.

-Oh!

-Ooh!

Yeah! Woo!

Oh my God!

Oh, God. We've gotta get away.

Ohh!

Oh my God, they're very nimble.

- Really?

- Yes,

he cuts his toenails

in the car.

- That's a good thing.

- No.

Shots!

Keep it going, all-nighter.

Oh, hi Kyle.

You sure you're allowed

back in here?

Dude, I'm so embarrassed.

How can we make this up to you?

Um, I guess one of you

could eat some dog sh*t.

sh*t, I'll do it.

No, I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I am so sorry that we keep

subjecting you to this.

Let's just do a round of

Fireball shots for everyone.

You like Fireball?

I love Fireball.

Let's f*cking go.

What is with Phil?

What's up Katie?

Oh my God, dude.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Well, we've been having

so much fun,

it's been hard to find

the right time to tell her.

Right. But more importantly,

as soon as you tell her,

it's going to be weird.

Uh, yeah, that too.

All right, then don't think

about it and just have fun.

I can't not think about it.

-She is going to find out.

-Mm-hmm.

-Oh my God, you're so stressed.

-I know. I know.

I can feel your heart beating

in your chest.

I know. I know.

Well, my fianc wants

to try for kids

-as soon as we get married.

-Oh!

So this will be the last time

I see my friends

for the next 18 years.

That's so sad.

-I know.

-Don't say that.

I agree. The fact is

that we're getting older

and we're not going to have

a lot more weekends like this.

We're not 80 years old.

This is not your last hurrah.

Do you know

what a bachelor party is?

By definition,

it is a last hurrah.

I think you're being dramatic.

I don't think so.

Maybe we get another drink?

-Yes.

-Is that an awful idea?

-No, it's a good idea.

-Okay, twist your arm?

Yeah, twist my arm.

I don't really do

the whole American idealization

of excess supersize a thing.

Well, except when

it comes to real estate

because tiny homes scare me.

Oh!

It's Jane. Hold those.

Thank you.

What's his deal?

Oh, he's a good dude.

And he's like low-key rich now,

too.

But he only dates models.

Sorry.

Hey, um, are you single?

Yeah, I'm single.

Same. I mean,

me and my boys have like

a strict no dating policy

for junior year.

I love that.

I wish my friends got that.

Can you put in a good word

with Tommy?

Like to date?

-No.

-Oh, like to smash?

Yeah, like to smash.

Yeah, I'll ask him.

Less of an ask and more

of a temperature check.

Just check it out for me.

It's my mission to get

you kissing.

Phil, Tommy.

Family Fireball shots.

Oh, f*ck.

Cheers.

Oh, f*ck.

I forgot to vote.

Guys, there's nothing open.

We really don't need

to force the night.

No, no, no.

-We said all-nighter.

-We did.

I feel like Tommy and Delaney

still need to clap cheeks.

-What are you talking about?

-Nothing.

He's drunk. Ignore him.

Well, we would invite you back

to the Pelican Palace Bar.

But it is, I've been told,

an out-of-order vending machine

in the parking lot.

-Mm.

-So...

-That's correct.

-They can't host.

You guys,

should we just call it?

-Yes.

-No, no.

Let's go to ours.

What about Dougie?

I don't know.

We'll be quiet.

Sorry.

This is the only room

in the house without cameras.

-I have cash.

-Yeah, I think, uh,

I think I should probably

take Phil home.

No.

No.

You should stay here.

Charlie and Katie,

they'll be back any second.

Chill.

I'm friends with Danny.

Or we could play a game.

You guys ever heard of Twister?

Oh, man.

The Beta Thighs

brought it to, uh,

the hockey house last spring.

No, uh, seriously, I told Phil's

wife I'd watch him.

I think it's time for us to go.

- Phil.

- I'm good. Chill.

Come on.

Go back to the hotel.

I think we should get

Phil coffee.

-Phil, do you want a coffee?

-Don't f*cking touch me.

All right, yeah,

let's get Phil coffee.

Is that okay?

Yeah, go get me f*cking coffee

and get out of here.

Great, let's get Phil coffee.

Bye.

This guy f*cking thinks

he knows what it's like

to f*cking live in

a house with three women.

No offense.

You're awesome.

Ooh, a smooth banana IPA.

That could be your--

that could be your

wedding drink.

Like your bride

signature c*ck.

I'm not doing any of that stuff.

Right, because you're,

like, cool bride.

Yes, yes, that's right.

What's your

signature c*ck?

Well, I'm a cool groom,

so I can't do that.

Oh. You might actually be

too cool of a groom

if it takes you

seven years to propose.

Look, love happens

in its own time.

-Oh, right.

-It's a--

I don't make the timetable.

-Love makes the timetable.

-And that's what you told her?

-Yeah.

-Yes, that's what I told her.

And how much time

did that buy you?

Seven years.

Ah, ah, ah. I see.

What made you wait so long?

I just wasn't sure.

About your fianc?

About any of it. I just...

I just didn't know

if that's what I wanted.

You know, I just think

it's this thing that

we all think we're supposed

to do because everybody else

does it, but we never stop

and ask ourselves

if it's what we actually want.

And then I realized

that I did want it,

and I do want kids,

and that eventually

I just had to get out of my own

way and find somebody

that I liked and use good

judgment and be smart

and just, you know,

pick them and be happy.

So romantic.

I don't care if

you don't think it's romantic.

It's honest, and honesty is

what sustains a marriage.

It's not romance.

I mean,

you actually don't think

that there's one person

for everyone?

I'm sorry.

You can't be serious.

- What?

- One person for everyone?

No, of course not.

I think there are millions

of people that

we can connect with.

It's just a matter of

when you meet them.

We're not marrying these

people because of timing.

Don't say we're marrying them

because of soulmates cause I'll

leave you here with those beers.

We are marrying them

because we love them.

Yes.

I mean, right?

I said yes.

I-- You're not selling me.

-Do you know?

-That's not my job.

Oh!

This coffee expired

six years ago.

Coffee doesn't expire.

I got cash money, baby girl.

Remember that stuff

from the 90s?

Don't worry about Phil. We'll

get it from tap water, okay?

Or like Windex or something.

Would you like to share

a glass of wine?

What?

Someone found a speaker.

-Connect.

-No, I have to conserve

my battery for the Uber

so we can leave.

You remember leaving?

You can use my phone

for the music.

No offense, but you probably

don't have my kind of music

on your phone, so...

What kind of music do you like?

House. But a very

specific kind of house.

-I like specific house.

-My God.

Just listen to your music, okay?

-Put it on your phone.

-I'm fine.

Put it on your phone.

I'm fine.

Oh, Tommy.

I'm coming, Tommy.

I'm gonna make two glasses

of wine still

if anyone wants to stay

and-- and drink it with me.

Delaney, can you fire up

some pizzas, hon?

For the guys, at least.

I mean,

I'm happy to host this.

Yeah, you don't seem

anxious about it at all.

What! I'm a little worried.

If I get a bad review,

that is on you.

What is with you in this review?

Are you in some sort of

legal bind?

No. No, but...

I will write you a comment if

they give you a shitty review.

Oh. Oh. Thank you.

You know, we can just go back

to my hotel if you want.

I mean, just say the word.

Charlie, I can't.

I'm engaged.

You know, I...

Trust me.

I feel it, too,

but there's not...

No-- I'm sorry.

I meant, like...

I meant all of us

would go back to my hotel.

Like, instead of

you hosting here

just because you seemed

anxious about it?

Yeah, no, I'm...

I'm so sorry.

Just because we'd been flirting,

so I thought that you were...

I wasn't suggesting

that you and I would go back

alone to my hotel.

I hope I wasn't giving off

that impression.

I mean, did you think

the friendly banter meant

that I was going to, like,

cheat on my fianc?

No.

No.

-I got it.

-Okay.

That's a fatty, dude.

Delaney, what the f*ck

are you doing?

You said

we'd stay in the bedroom!

- Delaney!

- Phil, buddy,

-time to go.

-Finally. Yeah, let's go.

No. Stay.

You can go to my room.

-I'll make it fun.

-No.

-No thanks.

-Is it because I'm not a model?

No, because I don't share

a genuine connection with you,

and it feels weird

to lead you on.

Oh, f*ck you.

You know, I came here

to celebrate an important time

in Charlie's life.

I tried to politely keep

my distance so I could spend

time with my friends,

who I never see,

but you inserted yourself into

our plans and put us all

in a very weird situation so

honestly, f*ck you, Delaney.

No.

No. No, no, no.

f*ck you, Tommy.

f*ck you.

Because that, that's the

dopest girl that I've ever met.

And you may not get her,

but I do.

I think I love you.

Wh-- What?

What are you talking about?

What? No, no, no, no, no.

What is going on here?

Who are these people?

Mom's house?

Can you not?

On the art?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

They are about to leave.

Additional guests?

Shoes inside?

Alcohol?

You agreed to the rules.

I know. I know. I'm sorry.

There were a lot of rules.

And honestly,

no alcohol is crazy, so...

Yeah, because I don't

want to relapse again.

I'm two years sober.

What is wrong with you people?

This is my house.

It kills me that

I have to rent this out.

But with my mom's leftover

medical bills,

I don't really have--

Really?

I'm not going to not do

the coke.

Hi.

-Hi.

-We're here for Big d*ck Phil.

-What?

-Oh my God. I'm him.

Phil, please tell me

that you didn't hire...

- Delaney said I could.

- I said he could.

Because guess what?

All guys like strippers, Katie.

Even your lover, Charlie.

Okay, well,

he's not my lover.

I mean, you have been

eye-f*cking her all week, dude.

-See?

-Whoa.

What about my sister?

It's not chill.

What are you talking about?

She's engaged.

You knew?

Charlie knew.

Hey, we're drunk, okay?

Let's not talk about

this right now.

You don't want to talk about

how you hid your engagement

from me for an entire weekend?

Can you stop?

How you put our phones

in our kitchen drawer?

-Stop.

-You're a psycho.

And you're a f*cking b*tch!

Okay, this is just sad.

-I can't dance here.

-Same.

Friendship stuff is

super triggering.

Yeah.

Okay. I got another girl,

but it'll take her 45

minutes to get here.

Get out!

You get out.

You're a pervert.

You filmed us.

Pervert.

Pervert. Pervert.

Pervert! Pervert! Pervert!

You're creepy!

You don't treat guests this way!

-Everywhere is closed, Delaney.

-I'm not talking to you.

-Okay, but nowhere's open.

-You don't know everything.

Ugh.

If you'd like to make a call...

-Oh, hello.

-...please hang up and

try again.

I'll have one pizza.

For one person.

I know.

She said it's going

to be five minutes, so.

You didn't want to

know what type of pizza?

I always get pepperoni

and they always know, so.

Yeah, I didn't hear

a credit card number.

-I'm paying cash or cheque.

-Mhm.

Tommy took

my charger into his room and...

I know, but...

All right, well,

Kyle's also not exactly

the most reliable narrator.

I can't.

Look, I'm gonna be

home in a few hours.

No, I'm here.

Yes-- No, my service is fine.

I'm gonna-- I'll be

home in a few hours

and then we can talk, okay?

-Ready.

-Great.

Four hours and 37

minutes to destination.

Can we please

talk about last night?

About what?

Uh, all of it.

I mean...

do you remember any of it?

I-- I know you can block out big

chunks when you drink like that.

I remember that you lied

to me about getting engaged.

I remember that.

I tried to tell you.

That first night.

I had this whole thing planned.

It's the-- the whole

reason we did the trip.

You lied to me all weekend.

No, I-- I tried to

tell you all weekend.

Another lie. That's great.

Why do you always lie?

Honestly,

you lie to me all the time.

I'm not a liar. It's just really

hard to be honest with you.

I mean, you hate everything.

You hate everyone.

-I don't hate everyone.

-Admit you hate John.

Admit it.

You've never liked him.

You roll

your eyes when he talks.

You don't laugh at his jokes.

I don't know why,

he's so sweet,

but you have always hated him.

-I hate how boring he makes you.

-Boring?

Why? Because I don't want

to babysit your f*cking benders.

At least I'm not

stuck in some sad routine.

I'm not sad, I'm happy.

You look happy.

Why don't you call it?

I'm serious,

why don't you leave the city?

Go drown your personality

in white wine with Gwen.

That sounds better

than staying here

and wasting it with you

one weekend at a time.

Why don't you try

caring about something?

Why don't you try

making a f*cking effort?

Why don't you grow up?

-I am grown up.

-You still do cocaine!

Doing cocaine is fun, Katie.

Okay, yeah, well,

maybe we're too different now.

Yeah. Maybe we are.

Get out.

Hey, there she is.

How you doing?

You feeling okay?

-Yeah, just going to shower.

-Okay.

There are two pigs, okay,

and they're

in the same.

The wife pig turns over

to the husband pig and she says,

"Have you seen

Farmer Joe's pants lately?"

Why would you cancel?

The husband goes,

"Oh, that's so funny,

I thought he said pork chop."

Thank you so much,

I really enjoyed this time...

Oops, did a thing.

Officially secured

SeriesBeeFundee for my startup.

Who do you think posted that?

Wh-- Uh, oh. Oh.

Oh, um...

Elon Musk.

Uh, no, no,

it's someone we know.

Oh, oh, uh, um...

I give up.

Okay, um, no, it was

Diane's date from New Year's.

No, I don't-- I don't,

I don't even think I met her.

Oh, is she friends with Delaney?

Speaking of which, is Delaney

coming to dinner this weekend?

I don't think so.

Why?

Well, we're gonna fight.

-The two of you are fighting?

-Yeah.

That's maybe never happened

-in the history of the world.

-Yeah.

-What happened?

-Um, it's very dumb.

-It was about the engagement.

-Oh.

I... so I-- I never

actually told her.

She found out on my phone

and went ballistic and...

Wait, wait, wait,

what do you mean you didn't--

-you didn't tell her that--

-I mean, remember I tried and

you called,

so I couldn't really.

And then I tried later

that night and it got

-extremely weird and then--

-No. No, no, no. Don't--

Don't do that.

I let you wait until

the perfect moment

to tell her how

you wanted to tell her.

And you said

you would do that on the trip.

You told me you would

handle that on the trip

so we could start

planning our wedding.

I mean, you're a little obsessed

with planning the wedding.

Well, yeah,

I want to celebrate our marriage

with our family and our friends.

No offense, I--

I don't think you really get it.

You know, I don't think

you get me and Delaney exactly.

-I don't think you could.

-See, how do you--

how do you say that?

I've been nothing

but accommodating

to you and your friend.

She has a drawer in our dresser.

-You said that was fun.

-It-- It was!

It is.

But I just want to know

when you're going to choose us.

Right? When you will stop

bending our lives together

-for Delaney.

-It's not just Delaney.

-Hold on. No, what do you--

-No, no, no, no, no.

What do you mean?

You know, marriage can

really change your life.

And a lot of

times for the better,

which I think will be,

you know, our case.

And I'm very excited,

of course, but...

there's just a lot of changes.

Like for example,

you know, eventually we will

probably want to move

out of the city and that's fine.

And I'm-- you know,

we'll do that for you.

You go out there and then

all of a sudden all your friends

are married couples

that moved out there too.

And nobody knew you before

you were a married couple.

So it's actually

a bit like you didn't

exist before you were

part of a married couple.

-So that's the new you.

-I'm just gonna-- just gonna--

I'm just gonna stop you.

I don't even know

what to believe anymore.

John!

So anyways,

popcorn to Delaney.

I didn't have

any peaks this week.

Well, a week of valleys finds

time in our cow eventually.

Everything okay?

Yeah, it's...

everything's okay.

Delaney, we're here if you ever

want to share, obviously.

But you seem

to hate peaks and valleys, so.

I don't hate peaks and valleys.

Really?

Once you thought

you were muted and

you screamed "f*ck" when we

started playing the game.

Okay, fine. Um...

My valley was...

my best friend lied to me

about getting engaged.

-What?

-Wow.

Wow, that is a deep valley.

Very deep.

Okay, let's dive into this.

Let's dive into this.

Come on, we're here for you.

Wow, your hair--

I always pictured--

pictured you as a blonde.

Look at you!

Okay, so wait,

tell me everything.

Who is this fianc?

-What's his name?

-Yeah?

- John.

- Where's John from?

- Yeah, John.

- The Midwest.

What state?

Minneapolis...

Michigan or Minnesota.

It's an M, I just...

I can't remember right now.

You seem like you

must hate him.

I don't hate him.

-I don't hate John.

-That's very nice.

It's your best friend.

So you're trying to be nice.

But like, what did he do?

He obviously cheated.

-He obviously...

-Oh, he cheated. He did cheat.

-Alex, he cheated, obvi--

-John did not cheat.

John's not a cheater.

He's totally obsessed with her.

But too obsessed, probably.

-No. No.

-Okay. Okay.

No, to where it's like...

True crime.

No. He treats her really well.

He's a very good guy.

So he treats her well?

Yeah, he treats her well.

Wait, is-- is she like

happy with him?

Yeah.

Okay, wait,

sorry for the disconnect here.

But what's the problem?

And the toy guy said that that's

the most popular thing he sells.

Yeah, no,

the kids wanted one of these.

I just got them a new globe,

but never enough.

Where's John?

Uh, he has a... work thing.

Oh, did he decide if

he wanted the chicken or

lamb skewers

for the c*ck hour?

sh**t, I-I'll ask him.

I'm not sure.

If you get that thing wet,

it turns blue.

So he's rehabbing

brittle hips after sundown?

He's really

burning the midnight oil.

And, um... if you want

it to go back to red,

yeah, you just

put it in the sun.

Is there trouble in paradise?

You can't hide from

an empath, little sister.

Um, Delaney

and I got into a fight.

And now John and I are in a bit

of a fight about that fight.

Of course. No, no, no.

We all saw this coming.

You know, you guys

are emotionally stunted.

Daria says you both

have arrested development.

I never said that.

-Thank you very much.

-Oh, so you just happened

to leave your notebook open

to a page that said

"Never individuated

into adulthood?"

Did you find

the key to my office again?

It doesn't matter.

Look, the medical fact is

you guys are basically still

kids who are clinging on to each

other in the cafeteria of life.

You're emotionally stunted.

Oh, that's a very

mature response, Katie.

Do you see what I'm saying?

You're stunted.

That's so rich coming from you.

Look, I'm sorry.

I really hate to be the one

to have to tell you this,

but it might actually

be time for you to grow up.

We have all had to.

Did we? I mean,

did we all have to?

You're like 40 years

old and you still blame

everything on our parents.

You're emotionally

stunted, not me.

-Tell him, Daria.

-No, no, no, Daria.

Tell her that

she's narcissistic like Dad.

Do you know that the DSM-5

defines narcissism as

a personality disorder,

right, Daria?

A cluster B

personality disorder,

which I think

we can both agree you have.

- I have a personality disorder?

- Yeah. Obviously.

Oh my God, you're delusional.

You're literally

medically delusional.

You're certifiable!

Daria, tell him.

You have every symptom.

Tell him, tell him--

Shut up!

Just shut the f*ck up!

Today I listened to a man detail

an intense reptilian fetish

that's ruining his marriage.

And I had to tell him,

no, that's not weird

that you want an iguana

to act as a third.

A girl ate rocks in front of me.

And I had to tell a mother

who told me that

she lost her pregnancy...

I had to promise her that

she would get over it one day.

Do you guys want

a medical diagnosis?

You are both ungrateful shits!

I can't believe she said all

that stuff about her patients.

I mean, isn't that supposed

to be, like, really private?

Okay.

I know we didn't have

the ideal childhood...

but you cannot keep

using it as an excuse.

I mean, come on...

can you be the adult for once?

Can you help me for once?

Things are going

to be okay with John.

I don't know, actually.

Yeah, he's... he's really mad.

People get mad, Katie.

It's part of life,

and it's going to be a long road

if you walk around trying

to make everything nice

for everybody all the time.

You've got to be honest.

I know what Delaney

means to you.

And I know how much

she was there for you

when you were kids.

And yes, I maybe thought

that you were freaks.

But what you had was special.

You guys had a great run.

So maybe it's okay

that it's over.

Sometimes the past can't last.

Pass me my poem journal.

Hurry up.

Okay, quick, quick, quick.

Okay, I made

a guest list.

Pretty much everyone

who's coming is cool,

except for, like, one other

assistant from my office.

Have I shown you

her grid before?

She posts so much emo sh*t.

It's like, we get

that you have cancer.

Maybe she wants support.

What?

Or seeing it helps other people.

Well, it doesn't help me.

-I meant other sick people.

-Right.

Wait, how much do we hate Katie?

Like, we haven't talked

about this at all.

Yeah, what she did wasn't great.

You know what

I always say, hate motivates.

Liking stuff,

that can motivate, too.

No, liking stuff is for sheep.

Plus, hating stuff

is, like, our thing.

We both know

the whole world sucks.

The whole world sucks?

Yeah.

I think I need to leave.

I mean, same,

this place is a sh*thole.

Like, it's obviously

a temporary situation.

No.

I just don't want

to be around you anymore.

I hate that we love

to hate people.

It makes me feel sick.

And I want to feel good.

I want to be happy.

I want to be happy

for other people.

I want to be happy

for my family.

I want to be happy

for my friends.

But I don't know

how to do that.

I don't know how

to be happy... for people.

Did you, like, write that in

your Notes app to say to me?

That's so f*cking lame, Delaney.

Okay, bye.

No, just keep breathing.

Oh, okay.

Other side.

One second, sorry.

Delaney.

- Hi.

- What happened?

Is everyone okay?

What? Yeah.

Um...

Then, um, why are you here?

Where are you from?

Uh...

Illinois.

I knew that.

Did you like

it there in Illinois?

Do you mind?

Sure.

Who is it?

Who's this?

Yeah.

Um...

Yeah, I lived in Illinois

pretty much my whole life.

High school, college.

Go Phoenixes.

It was our college mascot.

Yeah, my whole

family went there.

And I am so sorry that

I didn't tell you

that I was going

to propose to Katie.

It's okay.

Probably made

you hate me even more.

I never hated you.

I hated you existed.

That was-- I...

Right.

You never did anything wrong.

I did everything to make it

incredibly weird for you.

And I'm-- I'm really sorry.

I'm really happy, too.

I will, uh, let you

get back to work.

Yeah, yeah.

We're-- We're actually

in a fight.

Um, she lied to me

about telling you.

And I just don't understand

why she can't be honest with me.

I don't know.

Maybe she's afraid of losing us.

Or maybe it's...

trying to protect us.

I really don't know.

I do know that...

getting older is...

really scary.

I'm not paying for this.

I got his card on file.

Well, can we talk?

I mean, what--

what are we doing?

I-- I-- I can't take

more silent treatment.

That's my client, Jerry.

Uh, yeah, I know Jerry.

Do you know his wife, Marlene?

You know,

they've been married for years.

Lived in four states,

three countries.

They got divorced,

got back together.

Lived in next-door houses,

just for their own space.

Until they built this place.

Together.

I don't know what the rest

of our lives will look like.

But it can be

whatever we want it to be.

I love you. I love you.

I love you, too.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I lied.

And I'm gonna do better.

I know, I know.

She told me.

Who?

Delaney.

Um, when-- when

did you see Delaney?

Today. She came by the office.

Why? She's like,

what, like, returning the stuff

I had in her apartment, or...

She... wanted to know

where I was from.

Yeah?

Actually?

Go get your girl.

-Go on.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Open up your gait.

There you go.

Katie, no.

There's a list,

and you're not the aesthetic.

And honestly, even if you were,

there's already a Jennifer here,

and you can't, like,

have a Jennifer

-and a Katie, you know?

-Yeah, okay.

Um, Roxy, I know

you think I'm lame.

But I know that

you're miserable,

and that's why you're so mean.

I feel bad for you.

Okay?

Yeah.

-Same.

-Yeah.

Uh, where's Delaney?

Where do you think?

f*ck.

Occupied.

-Occupied.

-Delaney, drop the drugs.

I said, occupied.

-I was gonna--

-Sorry, can I go first?

Because...

I'm feeling brave,

and that might go away.

Go ahead.

I look at you, and I feel

like we are still 12 years old.

And I really love that.

But we're not

12 years old anymore.

And we can't spend

every second together anymore.

And we don't like all

the same things anymore,

as much as I try to fight that.

And I want to get married.

And I want to have kids.

And I want to save pictures

of bathroom renovations I like.

And I want to make

little dishes for my keys.

And I want

to move out of the city.

And I know you don't

want that stuff.

You don't even like

that stuff, actually.

And you don't even

really like people who do.

Which is scary.

And I didn't tell you

about the engagement

because I was afraid

you wouldn't be happy for me.

And that would just break

my heart beyond repair.

And I'm so happy about

this next chapter of my life,

but I'm terrified that you

don't want to be a part of it.

And I know

I really messed up by lying.

And I'm really, really sorry.

And if things are

different now, I understand.

And if we end up parting ways...

I just wanted to say thank you.

Being your best friend has just

been the highlight of my life.

And I think

we're really lucky to...

to have lasted

as long as we did.

Well, it's not every day

your kid sister gets married.

Um, I'm incredibly

honored to be here.

And I was asked to put

a couple words together

and to try to capture

the spirit of marriage.

And what it means

to our civilization.

And particularly what it means

to these two

very special people.

So, I've done my best.

And I think you'll agree.

Love's passion.

Always in fashion.

French kissing.

Sad to be missing.

Willows swaying.

Children playing.

Love will find a way.

Today.

Forevermore.

Into dawn, Katie and John.

You have truly won...

the game.

Thank you for

that beautiful poem, Henry.

Okay, let's do this.

Dearly beloved...

You're so crazy you spend more

time with, like, a hairdresser

than you do with, like,

your best friends.

100 percent.

My eyebrow woman

is-- is closer to me.

I text her.

-We're on texting basis.

-Yeah.

It's, like, really fun

just to, like, sleep, right?

To be in bed

for a full 24 hours.

-People say that's depression.

-That's a luxury.

I say that's a luxury.

-Exactly, yeah.

-100 percent. 100 percent.

-It's kind of depressing.

-It is.

Well, that's-- that's--

that's what

they tell you in school,

and you never listen.

-You know? That, like--

-You're like, that won't be me.

I'm fostering

a basset hound this week.

Puppy dog!

I know, so running around,

I need it.

I-- honestly,

I cannot even stand it.

I need it here.