07x12 - Welcome to Getting Lucky

[bunniefuu]

Whoa, Lamar. Check you out.

Stop drooling, Calvin. She's all mine.

Okay. Who you steal it from?

Calvin, please.

She is not stolen.

It's not, right?

No.

I've just come into some money.

In fact, Dave, there's
no easy way to say this,

but your Great-Aunt Keisha has died.

DAVE: Oh, no.

I know, it's a blow,

so just let it out.

Yeah, no, I'm-I'm trying to, I just...

I've never heard of her before.

Hey, Lamar.

Ooh, new car.

It's stolen, isn't it?

Are you a fugitive?
Are we accessories?

No, it is not stolen,

but... I do have some bad news.

My Great-Aunt Keisha has passed away.

Oh, no.

Is her body in the trunk?

No, her body is not in the tr...

Her body is not in the trunk, right?

No.

As I was explaining,

she left me a handsome sum of money.

I know you two have
been stressed about

how to pay for Grover's school,

so I opened up

an education savings
account for the lad.

Oh, my God.

Lamar, this is so sweet.

[WHISPERING]: I think it's real.

Dad, I'm touched.
This is very generous.

Look at you, giving
away all your money.

Oh, I'm not giving it all away.

I'm allowing myself to live a little.

I now own a Roku.

And I'm gonna drive
my beautiful Pontiac

to Nevada and do some gambling.

You know, as a little kid,

I used to hang out at the Elks Lodge

and watch my dad play poker.

Yep, he always wanted to watch,

but his little facial expressions

always gave my hand away.

Whatever the opposite
of a poker face is,

it's that. Oh, well, I...

I'm sorry that I have
an expressive face,

but it worked out for me.

You know, my dad would
always give me 20 bucks

to go buy ice cream.

Calvin,

let's go with him.

You know what? Sure, why not?

You leave your face here,

I'm gonna put on my lucky pants.

But, so you know... Sagebrush,
Nevada isn't exactly Vegas.

[LAUGHS] Doesn't matter to me.

Craps is craps.

I haven't gambled
since that time I went

to an Indian casino
to see Shabba Ranks.

[JAMAICAN ACCENT]: Mr. Loverman.

[LAUGHS] Shabba.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

You know, the more I think about it,

the more I realize it is for the best

Courtney and I didn't sleep together.

Are you sure?

I mean, come on. Can you imagine

how that would have
complicated things?

Things are already complicated enough.

[CHUCKLES] No, thank you.

Ah. Okay, well, good for you, Marty.

That is very mature. Yeah.

I wanted it to happen

so bad.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Courtney. Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

I have to run.

I will let you two finish.

Or start.

Talking. Please.

Absolutely.

So...

last night was crazy.

When I couldn't find a condom.

Yeah, and then Daphne started crying.

Yeah, and then we didn't...

Yeah, no, I know what we didn't.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you know, I guess
it wasn't meant to happen.

Yeah, I guess not.

Although... it could still happen.

Yes!

I mean, sure. Yeah, perhaps.

Uh, my dad is going gambling tonight,

and my mom could babysit.

Malcolm's coaching a game,

and baseball games are like...

like, six hours?

I'm gonna need to hydrate.

Oh, no, no, we won't need...

we won't need all that time.

Well, we'll definitely use some of it.

Like... like, like, plenty of it.

Like... Not... But not

too much of it, just,
like, a... like, a good...

You will be satisfied.

Here we go, fellas.

You know what? I got $500

burning a hole in my lucky pants.

Let's do this.

No offense, fellas,

but I like to gamble on my own.

I don't like distractions

or people looking
at my cards, going...

"Ooh! Ooh!"

Dad, I was seven.

And I thought the
whole point of this trip

was for us to hang out
together. Right, Calvin?

Calvin?

Here you go, son.

Get yourself some ice cream.

Okay, well, thanks,
Dad, but, you know,

I was really hoping that
we can hang out a little,

spend some time...

Dad?

Yeah, that is right.

All right, Calvin,

I guess it's just you and me.

Let's get crappy.

Look, if you're
gonna be at this table,

you can't disturb my mojo.

Everything has to be perfect.

Now, I roll

with my right hand,

so you got to stand on my left.

- Hey, don't-don't put your hands on the table.
- Oh.

Well, don't put 'em
up like it's a stickup.

And never say the word "seven."

- Why shouldn't I say "seven"?
- Seven out.

Yes.

That's why, Dave.

- Is that bad?
- Yes, that's bad.

All right, an hour and half

to get the baby dressed,

and we're off to the
food truck festival.

- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
- Oh!

Damn.

It's pouring.

You want to grab an umbrella?

Go out in all of that?
I just got a silk press.

Oh. Okay. Well if you...

Yeah, I don't know what that is.

$125 is what it is.

Okay. Ooh, we could watch TV.

There's a new TV show about a woman

who's raising a hundred
crocodiles as her children.

I am not exposing my grandbaby

to some weird-a*s white lady.

Uh, why do you assume that she's...

Okay, yeah, she is.

All right, here we go.

Grandbaby needs some new shoes.

[STAMMERS]

Three. Craps.

Aah!

Come on, man, why
would you blow on my dice?

I was trying to double your luck.

The second blow
cancels the first blow.

That's just science, Dave.

That's it for me. 500 just gone.

Why don't you hit up an
ATM? They're everywhere.

I even saw one in the bathroom.

Look, I can't, man. 500's my limit.

I wonder if your dad

has blown through all his money yet.

I am rich!

Five thousand big ones.

Heh. Good for you.

Wish you had taken your son with you.

Oh, well,

you know, Calvin and I
are rich in camaraderie.

So, you lost.

All of it.

Dave double-blew on my dice.

- David!
- Okay...

Guys, please, we
can all still be winners.

All right? You know, the buffet

has bottomless imitation crab legs?

I'm about casino-ed out.

Let-Let's hit the road.

But, Dad, we didn't even
get a chance to hang.

Yes, but I have a strict rule:

quit while you're ahead.

Why don't we get a bite on the way out

at the Hard Luck Saloon?

Their billboard reads,
"Oldest strippers in town."

Why would they advertise that?

You know, everybody
has their thing, man.

I'm gonna cash out
and pull the car around.

I'll meet you out front.

All right. All right.

Oh... Oh.

[LAUGHS] My shoe's untied.

Hey, that's a lucky sign.

That means I'm about
to go on a winning streak.

You got any cash?

Only the hundred my dad gave me.

Oh, give it to me. Give...

Well, this is my ice cream money.

Dave, trust me,

by the time I'm done,

you'll be Ben and I'll be Jerry.

Okay, but Calvin, please,

tie your shoe, all
right? You're gonna trip.

No, no, no, no. This is good luck.

No, I...

Oh! [THUMP]

I-I'm good.

Come on, baby. Show me some love.

Hard six.

Yes! Yes. All right!

Looks like someone owes

my lucky face an apology.

Yeah, yeah, all right.

Come on, now. Let's
keep this train rolling.

Midge, gimme some luck.

Yeah. Uh, all right, me too.

Oh, no.

So unfair.

All right, dice, let's go.

Point is nine.

- All right, here we go.
- That's a good point.

This way I be k*lling
it. All right, Dave.

Uh, fellas? You think

you might want to give
me some elbow room?

I am on a hot streak. [LAUGHS]

Sir, we're going to need you
to step away from the table.

Hey, guys, uh,

wh-what's going on here?

They're just trying to ice a whale,

that's what's going on.

Tell you what,

you gonna have to drag me away here.

Uh... Now you're
really doing it. Okay...

- [STAMMERS]
- Nine. Winner.

That's my money! That's my money!

It is torrential out there.

Yes, but it is nice and dry in here,

and guess what I got?

Mm.

Is that all for tonight?

No. No, no, no, no.

It's just, uh, it's either
a three pack or a 12,

and this is a better buy.

Why am I talking about this?

How about I light a candle?

Yeah, great. But please,

just do it. Don't ask first.

- Right.
- [SIGHS QUIETLY]

[EXCLAIMS, CHUCKLES]

- Ooh, this is nice.
- Yes.

[CHUCKLES]

- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Man, it is coming down out there.

Oh, my God.

Of course, we are up by seven runs,

and the skies open up.

Yo, why you got
the lights off in here?

What is...?

Courtney's here.

Y-You know what? It-It's
a lovely night outside.

I think I'm gonna just go for a walk.

[MALCOLM AND MARTY MUTTERING]

I got it, I got it.

Okay, thank you, my brother.

[LAUGHS]

Congratulations, y'all.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Calvin, what is going on here?

Are we in some kind of trouble?

No, Dave.

This is classic player-hating.

All right? Trust me.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hello.

Special Agent Ryder,
Treasury Department.

I'm sorry to inconvenience
you gentlemen,

but we have reason to believe

you've been involved in a crime.

Oh, come on, this is crazy.

Since when is winning
a crime, brother?

This is an outrage.
We know our rights, sir.

Calm down.

He's not under arrest.

Oh.

So we're free to leave?

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

[ALL LAUGHING]

No.

Look, Daphne. A little boat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

I'm doing the little dock here

with all the boats.

That's not how you do a puzzle.

You start with the border first.

That's not how I do them.

Well, you do puzzles wrong.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Ah, hey, Mama.

Hey, baby. What you doing
out there in all that rain?

Oh. Uh, you know, I was hungry,

and I was gonna make
a sandwich, but, uh,

our bologna expired.

Ugh.

Y'all are nasty.

Yeah. [LAUGHS]

Ooh, Gemma, you do puzzles wrong.

You got to do the borders first.

See? I tried to tell her.

I didn't even want
to do a dumb puzzle.

I wanted to watch Croc Mama.

Wait a minute, the
show where that lady

puts the little shirts and
pants on the crocodiles?

Yes. Did you see the one

where she got kicked
out of the Starbucks?

Yes...

[BOTH GIBBERING AND LAUGHING]

- [DAPHNE CRYING]
- Hey, y'all are

upsetting my baby
with all y'all nonsense.

Okay, well, sorry, Mama.

I am soaked.

I'm gonna go get a
pair of Pop's socks.

Oh, what happened? Your daddy forgot

your favorite little piggy?

Well, don't you worry.

I'm gonna wrap my hair

and run right over
to your daddy house.

No, no, no, no, no.

[LAUGHS]

No, I-I will go get that little piggy

'cause, you know, I'm already wet.

So just-just stay right here.

- Okay.
- [THUNDER RUMBLING]

I've been on this case for months.

You've been laundering
notes at casinos

up and down the Nevada
border since October.

And when a whole lot

of 35-year-old, mint
condition hundreds

start popping up, that's a red flag.

I don't care what color they are,

they're not my flag.

You're smart, Mr. Butler.

We've taken to calling
you the Green Goblin.

That's a cool nickname.

Look...

look, I'm telling you,
you got the wrong guy.

I'm no Green Goblin.

Are you telling me

this isn't you?

No.

Looks like the Hamburglar.

Yeah, the security cameras
in these old dumps are terrible.

I don't know why anybody stays here.

It's depressing.

There's a place up the road

that advertises "old strippers."

Got to admit,

I'm curious.

Look, look, why are
you keeping us here?

You got sloppy today.

When you pass a hundred dollar bill

from 1988 that matches

all the other hundreds
you've been passing,

you shouldn't hang around to enjoy it.

- It was Lamar...
- My dad's the Green Goblin.

- [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
- I'm the son of the Green Goblin.

Guys,

is there something you want to say?

Objection.

Sir, I am the attorney for
Mr. Butler and Mr. Johnson,

and I demand to have
a word with my clients.

In private.

All right, Mr. Watanabe.

I'll go get some imitation crab legs.

What the hell did you do?

Us? We got arrested

for whatever the hell you did.

I was so clear.

"Meet me at the car." But no.

Luckily, an eagle-eyed prost*tute

who took a shine to me...

Oh.

...saw you get escorted back here.

Dad, what is going on?

[SIGHS] All right.

The year was 1989.

The Berlin Wall had just fallen,

America was smitten with
a young Bart Simpson...

Ugh. Ay, caramba.

...and I was burying a lockbox

full of cash

behind a mattress factory
in Battle Creek, Michigan.

So, none of that money
came from Keisha?

Who?

My dead aunt.

I made her up.

Oh, my God.

Sorry about the
emotional roller coaster.

I think I get it.

You've been going around to casinos,

buying chips with the dirty bills,

then cashing them
back to get clean bills.

Yes. Then, and this is the key point,

I leave.

Well, here's another key point.

You didn't tell us what
the hell you were doing.

There's plenty of blame to go around.

Oh, no, you're the only one

- that did something here.
- We did nothing wrong.

Okay.

True dat.

I-I can't even look at you.

Ah, damn it, I can still see you!

I get it. The good news is,

they can't pin anything on Calvin.

You just need to keep your mouth shut.

You're looking at a short stay
at a pre-trial detention center.

The food is not bad,

and then you're out in a flash.

- Cool?
- No, not cool.

Well, it was worth a shot.

Dad, what are you going to do?

What I have to do.

Uh,

bib.

You got the bib.

Sir, I have some confessions to make.

Yes. Thank you. Finally.

It was me. I am the
one that passed the bills.

Yes, but what he is trying to say

is that he

is the Green Goblin.

That is a cool name.

- Right?
- No.

[OVER RADIO]: ♪ You
and I, you and I. ♪

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Do
you have an old rust bucket

leaving oil stains in your driveway?

We'll give you cash for that clunker.

Cash. Cash. Ca...

Really? You don't have the ad-free?

All my money is tied up in baby.

It's fine, okay? We don't need music.

Okay. [CHUCKLES]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, it's me.

Your big brother Malcolm.

I am entering the house.

Okay?

Are you okay?! Ooh, my bad. Ooh.

Yeah, man, I'm just, uh,

I'm just here for the piggy
to take to... You know what?

I'm just gonna take
all these over there.

[MUTTERING]: Here we go.

Whoa, Malcolm, wait, w-w-w-wait.

Wait. Wait.

What, man?

Twelve?

My brother. That's
what I'm talking about.

Get... get out.

Hey, wait. My jacket, my jacket.

[BOTH MUTTERING]

Okay.

Okay.

Picking up where we were.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm still into it, you're s...

This isn't happening, is it?

Oh, Marty.

Last night we had a moment.

And the moment's gone.

Tonight's just too...

premeditated.

Yeah. I mean, I guess I shouldn't have

put that eggplant emoji
in our shared calendar.

You know, if this were meant to be,

after all this time, we
would have been together.

Yeah.

We're just two overwhelmed,

- horny people...
- Yeah.

...parenting one
adorable little girl, and...

and that's all.

So, um,

I'm gonna pick up Daphne tomorrow.

- I'll see you then.
- Okay.

- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES]

[MOANING]

W-Wait.

Bedroom? Why are you still talking?

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

[LAUGHS]

Eh, I got it.

[LAUGHS] Okay.

Can I please have a word with my dad?

You've got 60 seconds.

Dad... [SIGHS]

...I don't even know what to say.

You don't have to.

I know, I let you down. Again.

But I need you to understand,

I was happy to leave
that cash in the ground.

But when I found out my grandson

needed money for his education,

I just knew there
was never going to be

a better use for it.

Well...

I guess committing a
crime for your grandson

may be the sweetest
thing you've ever done.

So, see you at my arraignment?

I'll be there.

Oh, um...

All right, that's time.

You're free to go.

But in the future,
pick better friends.

Hey, hey, listen,

I didn't have anything
to do with this.

All right? I just live
next door to the guy.

We're not even close.

Of all of the lies
that I've heard today,

the one that stung the most?

"We're not close"?

We are gonna talk about
this on the drive home.

Oh, the drive home.

We don't have any car keys.

Dad, wait!

Green Goblin. Green Goblin, hold up!