01x03 - Summer of Los Diez/Summer of Lit-Tater-atura

[bunniefuu]

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

- (CAT SNARLING)

- (DOGS BARKING)

(SINGING) Hey, another day

in my old hood

Summer started

and it's gonna be so good

Hey, oh, hey

I was gonna be so cool

Then you all moved in

And got me

looking like a fool, again

CHORUS: Oye, Primos

Why you all up in my face?

CHORUS: Oye, Primos

Get up out my space

CHORUS: Oye, Primos

You're wearing out

my brain

You're driving me insane

Not the roll call again

Cousin Bud, Nacho and Lita

Tere, Tabi and Tonita

Scooter, Lala and Gordita

Nachito, ChaCha and Lucita

- CHORUS: Yay

- TATER : No

Come on

CHORUS: Oye, Primos

(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

(TATER READING)

(FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR ON TV:

Four eligible singles think

they have the recipe for love.

I'm looking for my Tira-missus.

You're gonna die alone.

NARRATOR: But on this island,

- some of the suitors are made

- (KISSES)

- of cake.

- (ALARM BLARING)

No!

NARRATOR: High stakes

and tasty bakes

- This is Cake Island.

- (SEAGULL SQUAWKING)

That guy got caked.

Reality TV.

(THUDS)

Dear Diary,

I'm seven whole days

into the summer of Tater,

and I still don't know

what my final form will be.

My vision board

is still totally blank.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Right now,

I'm a sad ingredient

in search of a recipe for greatness.

(IN NORMAL ACCENT)

But what should I bake myself into?

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)

A rad red velvet?

A terrific tres leches?

The Chosen Cheesecake?

(IN NORMAL ACCENT)

A final form can be anything.

How am I supposed to choose?

Where do I even start?

Hurry, Tater. We're expiring. (GROANS)

No, no, no!

(SCREAMING)

- BIG NACHO: Shh! Respect Cake Island.

- Ugh!

You only respect things

if you see them on TV.

- Duh.

- TV tells me what to think.

NARRATOR ON TV: Cake Island

is brought to you by BizKid Magazine.

WOMAN: Do you want to be on TV?

Do you wanna earn

the respect of your family?

Do you want to achieve life goals

before it's too late?

Then you belong

on BizKid Magazine's ten Under ten list.

Oh, what's this list?

Every year, BizKid Magazine

compiles a prestigious list

honoring the greatest

single-digit doers.

Ten kids under the age of ten

who are changing the world

with their talents and athleticism,

charity, business, ecology,

arts, science

and (SHUDDERS) improv comedy.

Inspiration!

- WOMAN ON TV: Do you have what it takes?

- (BEEPS)

WOMAN ON TV:

Submit an audition video before Friday.

S ponsored by Zip the Crevasse.

Hang ten over Hacienda's

own Grand Canyon off the I-15.

(GASPS) ten Under ten?

A cup of martial arts,

a pinch of philanthropy,

a scoop of comedic timing.

This list is the direction I needed.

A recipe for success!

If I can replicate

each of the feats from last year's list,

I'm guaranteed a spot

on this year's.

Just the inspiration

I need for my final form.

Chef's kiss!

Okay. First thing I need

is a camera to record my audition.

Anybody wanna lend me

their phone, eh, eh?

(GRUNTING)

I'll take that as a no.

Whatever!

I know where I can find

a good old-fashioned camcorder.

Off to Buela and Pop's garage.

Wait, I will accompany you.

- You wanna help me?

- Does the scientist help the lab rat?

Uh

I want to study you.

I'm intrigued by your optimism

in the face of imminent failure.

Okay. Well, um, you're on camera duty.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

of our favorite nietas.

Hi, Buela.

Can I borrow your camcorder?

Uh

Why is Pop flipping tires?

Is he angry at them?

(GRUNTING) No,

I actually love tires.

(EXHALES)

This is his newest exercise routine.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Pop only loved sleeping.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

trying out new things.

It's what I love most about him.

That and his six-pack abs.

I like trying new things too.

In fact, I'm mastering

ten new things this week.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

are you trying to master?

The human condition.

And human conditioning.

- Here, Tater.

- Ooh!

(GOBBLING AND SWALLOWING) Mmm.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Some things take years to master.

But that's part of the fun.

Last summer, I couldn't

even flip a bike tire.

And now, look at me

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

- (CRASHES)

- Caliente!

Village?

Vida means life.

Oh, wait.

My whole life?

No, no, no, no, no.

I only have until Friday

to submit my audition

for the ten Under ten list.

Luckily, I've got a secret weapon.

A training montage.

That's not very scientific.

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

(SINGING)

You think it should be easy

Just a simple recipe

But my observations show

- You lack the skills and the technique

- (HUFFING)

Dedication, concentration

- Just nowhere to be seen

- (MONKEYS GIBBER)

To put it more specifically

You're failing scientifically

Need an education

Not imagination

To achieve any goal

Can't just try and fake it

You will never make it

That's not how the story goes

Without the proper tools

You're gonna play the fool

To put it more specifically

You're failing scientifically

Failure, ouch. Failure, ouch.

Failure.

(SLOBBERING)

The subject is no longer

cheese-motivated.

- (FAINTLY) Help.

- Failure achieved.

(GAGS)

Ten Under ten.

Earn the respect of my primos.

My face on TV!

You will always be a failure.

(SCREAMS) Don't say that.

(GROANS)

Time is running out.

Gotta strategize.

(GRUNTING)

Ah-ha! Now,

that's a strategy.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

I'll ride a unicycle

over a zip line across

the Crevasse

on rollerblades,

doing a hyper-realistic

painting with one hand,

and making souffle

with the other,

all while bottle-feeding

the cute tarantula from the garage.

I'll take all ten spots

on the ten Under ten list.

And my face will be

on every TV in the world!

And I'll earn

the collective respect of all my primos.

ALL: Tater, you finally earned

our collective respect.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Yes! Yes!

The lab rat has gone mad.

Hiss!

I'll show you mad

Mad skills!

You will see me, Tater,

doing something so incredible,

I'll prove your

(MOCKINGLY) scientific calculations

(IN NORMAL VOICE) wrong!

Now, come with me to the Crevasse!

(IMITATES ECHO)

Crevasse! Crevasse!

Crevasse.

(IN NORMAL VOICE)

Can someone drive me to the Crevasse?

I'll drive you, chiquitita. But first

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(BOTH SLURPING)

(ALL CLAMORING)

Oh, Hacienda's very own Grand Canyon.

Such natural majesty, man.

- Majesty and, potentially, tragedy.

- (WIND HOWLING SOFTLY)

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey. What's crack-a-lacking?

The zip line is open,

but the restroom is out of service.

- (BATS SCREECHING)

- (FLIES BUZZING)

Those stinking bats.

Aw, it's a great day to zip, man.

BIG NACHO: Can't wait to see

her wipeout.

It's okay. Keep breathing.

Visualize success.

You'll be on TV. (WHIMPERS)

(WHIMPERING) Oh, oh!

What? What? What?

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS AND GASPS)

- Oh!

- (SPIDER SCREECHES)

(ROARS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

You finally made it on TV,

as a failure!

The only list you belong on

is the Lamoes Under ten list.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(GULPS)

(VULTURE SCREECHES)

You ready, kid?

Uh (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Wait, wait, wait.

- Finish your jugo de nopal.

- (SLOSHING)

(BOTH SLURPING)

Mmm, ah. You know, chiquitita,

when I'm dehydrated,

I make rash decisions like

doing a dangerous stunt

that I'm not prepared for.

(BURPS)

Por suerte, your Buela's always there

to pour me some jugo de nopal.

Entonces, I can see things more clearly.

Y tambien, it fills my bladder.

Winky.

- Huh? Oh.

- (BLADDER GROWLS)

Oh, wow, you're right.

I really gotta pee.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

restroom is out of service.

I guess we gotta drive back home.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

It looks like you won't be able

to do this completely loco stunt.

Oh.

Oh!

Thank you, Pop.

(SPEAKING SPANISH AND LAUGHING)

I gotta pee too.

ALL: Aw!

Boo!

My calculations were correct.

Tater's face will never be on TV.

I wish I didn't have

to disappoint the primos.

I think I can hold it for,

um, cinco minutos.

- Can you?

- Mmm-hmm.

Don't worry, you'll get your show.

What's he talking about?

He's going to do the stunt himself.

(FANFARE PLAYING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Check out these mad skills.

(ALL GASPING)

Hmm

Ooh, ah!

I do.

Ugh! Every time?

- (ALL GROANING)

- Told you they were cake.

NARRATOR ON TV:

Cake Island is sponsored by

WOMAN: BizSenior Magazine introduces

the incredible newest honoree

of the seven Under 70 list,

Pop Ramirez.

I have to give all

the credit and inspiration

to my granddaughter.

WOMAN: Thanks

for the inspiration, Local Girl.

I'm on TV. I'm Local Girl.

(ALL CHEERING)

I respect that.

GORDITA:

You've earned this.

You're not like the other lab rats.

(SQUEAKING)

I think I'm still gonna try

and develop these skills.

At least, now I have inspiration

and have all summer

to figure out what I'm actually good at.

Thanks for helping me

realize this, Pop.

I love you. (SIGHS)

Huh?

You just got caked.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Cake Pop.

(TATER READING)

- (NEIGHS)

- (SPEAKING SPANISH)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(GRUNTING)

- Not another sock w*r, man.

- (ALL CLAMORING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Fear the Palo De Poder!

- I'm a pacifist, man.

- (SHOUTING)

Aw, yeah?

"Any other day, she's lucky

if she catches a sardine.

"But today, she reeled in a man."

- (THUDS)

- Hey!

Cut it out, guys.

The sock w*r is disturbing

my spicy reading time.

(IN SING-SONG VOICE)

Laundry day.

Hey, hijita. What you got there?

- Picture books?

- Psh, what am I, a child?

Behold Romancimorphs Vol. three.

The Merman and Me.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) It's, uh,

sophisticated young adult literature.

(IN NORMAL ACCENT)

So can you pretty please

buy me the fourth series?

Hija, you have so many books.

Maybe you should make room

by getting rid of a few.

What? No. Books are my family.

Can I, uh,

get rid of Nellie instead?

Aw. (MOCKINGLY CRYING)

I would love that.

Hijita, stop with

las preguntas, por favor.

No new books

until you've parted with some old ones.

Ugh! Get rid of my books?

What I supposed to do?

Give them away like day-old bagels?

Oh, yeah.

Just like Bagel boy.

This kid got

on the ten Under ten list

by giving away 10,000 bagels

to the hungry.

- And a few ducks.

- (QUACKS)

Mmm, I guess I could

try the giveaway thing

if it gets me something in return.

But which ones?

(ALL SINGING)

Happy birthday, dear Tater

Happy birthday to you

(GASPS)

(ROARS PLAYFULLY)

I'll always be here for you, Tater.

Junko Tabei was

the first woman to climb Mount Everest.

- Whoa!

- See?

Junko was a brave lady.

- Just like you'll be one day.

- (GIGGLES)

Yeah, I'm gonna be

just like her.

These little kid books

belong to past Tater,

and I don't know her.

I wish I didn't know you.

Maybe this is part of my final form.

One day

I will be known as Saint Tater

(ALL CHEERING)

patron saint of books.

Now I just need to find some minds

in need of enlightenment.

(GIGGLING)

Or a couple of primos.

(LAUGHING)

(CLAMORING)

Tater, are you gonna play with us?

Yeah. Check out these cool tricks

I can do con palo de poder.

Not today, youngster.

Today is a different day.

A special day. You get to choose

to stay in your

humdrum little lives or

free your minds.

Humdrum life!

Humdrum life!

Wait. I mean you're getting books.

Free books.

ALL: Yay!

You get a book,

and you get a book, and you get a book!

I love free stuff!

To Lucita, I bestow The Nose Knows.

Fresh picked just for you.

Nachito, I bestow upon you

these illustrated biographies.

You'll notice a mix of sweet and

Sweet? Is it about candy?

No, It's about Junko Tabei,

the first woman to get

to the top of Mount Everest.

- Anyway, ChaCha

- (SNARLS)

- I Um

- (SNARLING)

(MUFFLED) Wait what?

(SNIFFING)

- Hmm

- Yeah.

Smell that, ChaCha?

(INHALES)

That's the smell of culture.

Savor it.

My work here is done.

Tater, you're my hero.

I'm no hero.

I do it all for the children.

But I do expect an oral report

from each of you about how I

I mean, how the books

changed your lives.

(SNICKERING)

Fantasy romance, here I come.

Aw.

Poor sweet old-school Taties.

You need to graduate

to audiobooks like me.

See? Hands free.

Ugh, that's unnatural.

Just saying. It'd save you

from seeing your books

die by sticky hands.

But maybe you're just

a bigger person than I am.

Metaphorically.

Or maybe I know that

our sweet little primos

will cherish my gift of books.

(RIPPING)

Ugh, that's some

loud cherishing, huh?

(GASPING)

Improper use of

a (DISTORTED) semicolon.

- No!

- (RIPPING)

(GIGGLING) Get ready for

the (DISTORTED) penalty shot.

- (GASPING AND GROANING)

- (CHACHA CHOKES)

(RETCHING)

(BURPING) ChaCha.

Tater, why?

(GAGS) I think I'm gonna be sick.

Ooh, here.

I've got you with this book.

(GRUNTING AND SCREAMING)

Okay, this is over!

The book gala's concluded.

Thanks for playing.

- Hey!

- I thought you gave them to us.

Don't worry, little books.

I'm here. I'm taking you back home.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Nachito's right.

You gave them the books,

and they're not yours anymore.

But But But

But maybe you could

teach your primos

to be a little bit more careful.

But that's impossible.

It's like trying to teach

a merman to mambo.

Merman to mambo?

What have you been reading?

Gah, it's uh Nothing. I mean, uh

Fine, I'll teach the primos.

Ah? Mmm-mmm. Hmm?

(GROANING)

Hmm?

(HUMMING)

(GASPS)

(SHUDDERING) Oh!

Okay. (SIGHS)

(GASPS)

Okay. (BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GASPING)

(PANTING)

- (GRUNTING)

- (TRAIN HORN BLARES)

Oh, Merman.

Even your majestic countenance

can't soothe my weary soul.

Hmm?

(STAMMERS) Wait. Is that

Junko Tabei?

(YELPS AND GRUNTS)

First, Lucita with her crayon,

then ChaCha with her teeth,

and now this?

I want vengeance!

(COOING)

TATER: Oh, Lucita!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(GASPS) Wow!

Now they're red pandas.

Thanks, Tater.

(GRUNTING)

(SNORING)

TATER: Hey, ChaCha.

You bite my books, I bite your toys.

(SNARLING)

(SPITS)

A tooth for a tooth, ChaCha.

ChaCha. (LAUGHING)

- ChaCha and ChaCha.

- Huh?

Oh, she wants you to break in

the rest for her.

You must have some good chompers.

Ugh! Darn these resilient primos.

Their spirits are harder

to break than I estimated,

but my next attempt will not fail.

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

So, Nachito,

if you ever wanna see your

precious palo de poder again,

look where cut grass

and fruit peels unite

to make the ultimate stink b*mb.

You have until 3:00 p.m.

When it'll disappear

forever! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(GASPS)

(SNICKERING)

Now, to lurk and witness

justice unfurl. (LAUGHS)

Justice unfurling any minute now.

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

(HONKING)

Garbage truck. Where is he?

(GRUNTING)

Gah! I want justice, not regret.

(GRUNTING)

BIG NACHO: (CHUCKLES)

Que onda, trash potato?

You lose a bet or something?

(SIGHS) No.

I just lost my sense

of right and wrong for a minute.

Uh, what are you doing

with el palo de poder?

I, uh, was playing a joke on Nachito.

I left him a note

telling him where to find it,

but he never showed up.

Oh, well, he probably

couldn't read your note.

- What? Why?

- It's too early to tell.

But Dad thinks that Chito

might be dyslexic, like me.

Wait, you guys can't read?

No, tonta! We can read.

It's just

a lot harder for us than other people.

Which makes it less fun.

Get it?

I I had no idea.

Yeah, I get it.

(GASPS) El palo de poder.

Ugh, why does it

taste like bananas?

I'm sorry, Nachito.

I've been a bad prima today.

No, Tater. I'm the bad one.

I know I ruined your books,

but I got frustrated.

I even taped one in the shower

so I could practice reading

while I did my shampoo.

It didn't help, though.

Don't give up, Nachito.

Books are incredible.

In books, you can travel the world,

have adventures,

- romance merpeople.

- Merpeople?

Um, what I'm

trying to say is books are amazing.

I can't let you miss out.

I don't wanna miss out.

I just wish I could

read books on my own.

Hmm (GASPS)

I'll be right back.

- (GRUNTING)

- Hey, are there any tricks

that could

help Nachito read on his own?

Well, (GRUNTING)

at school it really helps

when my teacher

reminds me how certain letters sound.

(GRUNTING) Oh.

And something

to keep my place as I read helps too.

All right, Nachito.

This book is your Everest

and el palo de poder

will keep you on the trail.

- Huh?

- You wanna see what I mean?

Okay, this first word starts with a B.

You know the sound that makes?

Uh

- Buh?

- You got it.

Born in J J

J Japan!

(NACHITO GRUNTING)

Whoa!

Gotcha.

(GRUNTS)

Nachito, you made it to the summit.

Just like mighty mountaineer Junko.

I did it.

I did it! Yes.

Thank you, prima.

It's my pleasure, primo.

(YODELING)

- I did it!

- (LAUGHING)

Tater, you helped me.

Wow, this feels great.

There really is nothing

like sharing your passion.

And speaking of passion,

(CHUCKLES)

The Merman and Me awaits.

Ooh, can I try reading this one?

Oh, uh, sure.

Let me see if I can find

some Nachito-friendly parts.

Eh No.

Oof, definitely not that.

Um, maybe you can read

the back cover for now.

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)