01x01 - Summer of Tater/Summer of Primos

[bunniefuu]

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

- (CAT SNARLING)

- (DOGS BARKING)

(SINGING)

Hey! Another day in my old hood

Summer's starting

and it's gonna be so good

Hey, oh, hey!

I was gonna be so cool

Then you all moved in

And got me looking like

a fool, again

CHORUS:

Oye, primos

Why you all up in my face?

CHORUS:

Oye, primos

Get up out my space

CHORUS:

Oye, primos

You're wearing out my brain

You're driving me insane

Not the roll call again

Cousin Bud, Nacho and Lita

Tere, Tabi and Tonita

Scooter, Lotlot and Gordita

Nachito, ChaCha and Cookita

- CHORUS: Yay

- TATER: No, come on

CHORUS: Oye, primos

(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

(TATER READING)

TATER: In the beginning,

there was darkness.

Then there was

Me!

Tater Ramirez Humphrey!

Me, a lump of clay.

Me, searching for

my true self.

But soon,

I will achieve my final form.

But I don't know

what it'll be

until I'd get a little

(SHOUTING) quiet.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

Whatcha drawing, Tater?

Big plans.

It's time for

The Summer of Tater.

A three-part play.

Act one, I get alone time.

Act two, I make a plan

for my future final form.

Then, act three, I transform

into something amazing.

But it all starts with

some me time.

Whoa! You have

big dreams. I (GASPS)

Take a powder, sweetie.

Oh, Tater,

my big-but-littler sister.

Good thing you have me

to break it to you.

Oh, Nellie,

my sweet and salty little sis.

Break what to me?

Well, you're

dreaming too big

BOTH: By even

dreaming at all.

Exactly.

Tater, we live in Los Angeles.

And while most people think

that's where dreams come true,

I mean, look at this place.

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SCREAMS) k*ller bees.

Does it look like

dreams come true here?

Maybe being chased by bees is

that guy's dream.

You don't know.

There's nothing wrong

with our town.

Pothole!

(TATER GRUNTS)

Okay, so our town

has some quirks.

And, yeah, the summers

kinda stink.

Not "kinda."

Literally.

But this summer

is gonna be different.

I'm turning ten.

And I've got big plans

for transformation, Mr. Mojo.

- (SNARLS)

- Uh!

I've lived a whole decade

and haven't accomplished squat.

I'm just Not enough.

Pray tell,

what will make you enough?

Uh-uh, Nellie,

that's act three. No spoilers.

The first act of summer

is getting Tater time!

You know, me time.

Alone. To myself.

Oh. (SCOFFS)

Good luck getting Tater time

in this house.

- (CLAMOR)

- Hey, girls.

Welcome home,

amorcitos.

Just in time

- To watch the baby.

- To watch the baby.

Classic Bibi.

Transferring responsibility.

Middle child, out!

Ah, classic Nellie.

Avoiding work.

(SNIFFING)

(GAGS)

New diaper, baby bud.

(BABY COOING)

- (THUMPS)

- Ow!

(EXCLAIMS)

Sorry, little sweet potato.

Hey, mind

giving me a hand?

Hey, Dad, did you

have any dreams

when you were my age?

Dreams? Like, you know,

like when you sleep?

No. Hey, Ma, you know

what I'm talking about, right?

Of course, it says

right on my pillow.

Dream big, hija.

That

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

You know I don't

speak Spanish.

Ay, girl.

Nightmares.

Why does everyone think

I mean sleep dreams?

I mean dreams, like,

big hopes for the future.

Oh, those?

Well, you know, you don't wanna

go too big with those.

But a nice small or even a

medium-sized dream, just right.

Like Goldilocks.

Hmm. That doesn't make

any sense.

(SNORES)

Looks like Pop might be the only

one who dreams around here, sis.

Sorry, Tater. Our world just

isn't made for dreamers.

You gotta lower

your expectations

just like everyone else

around here.

Unless you

wanna be a weirdo, you weirdo.

Well, if I'm just an adorable

weirdo, then so be it.

I didn't say "adorable."

The summer's arrived,

but something's still wrong

It's time to dream big

write a list, get going

'Cause now it's my time

Whatever I dream

I'mma make it mine

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I hate to rain down

on your little parade

But what you're talking about

ain't reality

That's where you're wrong

All I gotta do

is believe in me

- Yeah, yeah, yeah

- What?

I could learn French

But you never

liked school

I'll have style

and poise

But you never

look cool

I can just imagine it

And that's halfway

to having it

So why don't you

stop babbling?

There's no rattling me

And I don't need a

plane to fly

Or a car for speed

Um, actually

that's exactly what you need

I could be a star

or a great athlete

You're forgetting

who you are

You got two left feet

You'll see

All I need is me

Big dreams

and I'll make it true

Keep dreaming, sis.

And I don't need no

one telling me

What I can do

Too much to

even make a list

Oh, yeah, dreaming

is for when you're sleeping

So wake up

and listen to reason

All I need is me

big dreams

And time away

from you

Unless you wanna

help me.

Oh, I think I hear

Mom calling me, bye.

All alone.

Act one begins.

It's Tater time.

Oh, have you been

waiting for me

with your rich

faux leather cover?

Time to dream up

The Summer of Tater.

(RUMBLING)

(SHRIEKS) Earthquake!

(CAR HONKING)

No, it's worse than

an earthquake.

It's visitors.

Did Mom invite

people over?

Today? The first day

of summer freedom?

Why are you surprised?

Mom's always doing

unexpected stuff.

Bibi be Bibi.

Did someone say my name?

(SCREAMS)

Frijoles.

Escuchen. All 12 of your

primos are coming.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(GRUNTS)

I just want

some alone time.

Look, the faster we get this

primo visit over with,

the faster I can get back

to the Summer of Tater

and the faster you can

get back to

Whatever it is you're doing.

It's called a Pop Stack.

Right. So I say

we get out there,

say our quick hellos,

booyah ba-bam,

then we get back

to our lives.

Eh, fine. I've got five minutes

before he turns over.

ALL: Hello, all.

LA's finest at your service.

- (TIRES SCREECHING)

- (ALL GRUNT)

(SIGHS) We're here

to wreck your stuff.

Don't forget

your manners, boys.

We're here to

wreck your stuff, thank you.

Phew! Greenhouse gases,

averted.

Your environmental efforts

are futile, sibling.

- Hiss!

- (CAR HONKS)

(CRASHES)

Oh, now that's a way

to make an entrance.

She's done.

You're safe now, okay?

Oh, Papa.

It wasn't that bad.

Right, hermanitos?

She's done.

You're safe now.

Hey, hey, Ivan!

Hi, Diego! Ignacio!

Dude, bring it in.

How'd you all

get off work so early?

Oh, I'm still

on the clock. (CHUCKLES)

Gotta get

this guy on ice.

Huh, is this

everyone?

I thought we had

one more.

(MOTORCYCLE ROARING)

ChaCha!

ChaCha!

That makes 12.

They're all here.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

- And there's Tater and Nellie.

- (ALL GASPING)

Brace for impact.

(CLAMORING)

Hey, you. And, uh

You guys.

Wow! And you

(CHUCKLES) Right there.

Seriously? You still don't know

their names?

You've met them all before.

Multiple times.

Yeah, but there's

12 of them.

Oh, fine.

Just stick with me.

Well, very impressive,

Tere, Tabi and Tonita.

It's actually easy.

Especially,

when you have a private trainer.

Here, we'll show you

how to do it.

- Yeah.

- (GRUNTS)

Tere, Tabi, Tonita.

Got it.

Ouch!

Just collecting

a sample.

Trust me. This is the least

unpleasant way.

Hello, Gordita.

Whoa, little sis.

Respect boundaries.

Gotta ask before

collecting DNA.

Hostess gift!

Thanks, Cousin Bud.

Uh Maybe

I'll take care of it.

(THUDS)

Oh, ChaCha.

I'm happy to see you again, too.

Especially if you've

gotten past your biting stage.

- (BITING)

- NELLIE: Ow!

Guess not.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(STUTTERS) Yeah.

Todo Great.

Do you need help

getting your skate gear out?

Hey, you probably have

a cooler word for it, huh, Lita?

Sure I do.

But that's a secret

of the trade.

(SIGHS) Oh!

Hey, Scooter.

He's still pretty shy.

And you're still

pretty adorable, Lucita.

Lucita. Was that always

her name?

Hey, primos.

- (BOTH GASPS)

- Hi, Lotlot.

Wasn't she

just in the hearse?

Hungry?

I got some entrail mix.

Uh, wow. Um Thanks, Lotlot,

but we had a big lunch.

Well, I hope you saved room for

some Nacho noogies.

Hey, don't forget

the grated cheese.

Hi, Big Nacho.

Or the jalapenos.

And here's Nachito.

(SCOFFS) You don't have

to say all our names.

It's like you don't know

who we are.

Wait, you guys have

the same name?

I I mean,

of course you do.

Forget the name tag.

That was the last primo.

We're done.

Well, look at the time.

It feels like

you're saying goodbye

as soon as

you've said hello.

(LAUGHS) Sure wish

y'all didn't have to leave.

But I have to

get back to Tater time.

(GASPS)

Hija, guess what?

The primos

are actually staying.

(ECHOING)

Staying?

Right here, with us,

for the whole summer.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

The whole summer?

The whole Ah!

Aw.

Hijas, I know it's a big

surprise to lay on you, but

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

When I was your age,

my favorite summers

were the ones I got to spend

with all my primos.

Now, you get to have

the same amazing experience.

It'll be the best summer ever.

Just imagine.

(ECHOING)

Just imagine.

(GROWLS) Tater.

No! My alone time!

My dreams!

(LAUGHS)

No use fighting it, sis.

I told you this wasn't a place

for dreamers. (GASPS)

No. I won't give up

my final form.

I won't give up

my summer!

BUD: Tater.

Scoot your boots out here.

Come on, folks.

Squeeze on in.

I wanna commemorate

the summer of primos.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

But this is supposed to be

the summer of me!

(TATER READING)

(DISTORTED VOICE) Diary!

You will not believe

what my mother did.

Sorry, that was rude.

(IN NORMAL VOICE)

Dear darlingest diary,

remember how today

was supposed to be

the first day of

The Summer of Tater?

The summer I turn ten

and discover my true self. Meh.

I knew it'd take

hard work, self-reflection,

steady hydration,

occasional naps to recharge.

But all of that was possible

because I had a summer of

Tater-time.

Nothing could stop me.

Except

The beebs.

My mom, who decided that

this was the perfect summer

to invite all my cousins

to come stay with us.

Cousins, plural.

Extremely plural.

All 12!

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

At least, things can't

get worse.

(BIBI CALLING OUT IN SPANISH)

Can you girls be angels

and help bring in

your primos' luggage?

Where does it go?

Our imaginary guest room?

The closest motel?

Canada?

(LAUGHS) Hija, no.

The primos are sleeping in

Your room!

It'll be like

one big slumber party

(IN SING-SONG VOICE)

all summer long, long, long long!

(CHOKING)

The primos are staying

in our room?

My tchotchkes.

My pillow.

My young adult novels.

- (RUMBLES)

- (CLAMORING)

(GASPS, SHRIEKS)

There's no way

we're putting up with this.

Where else are the primos

gonna sleep? The garage?

Not while that possum

has the run of the place.

Look, I just want to

get out of bellhop duty.

Ooh! Tio convention.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(GRUNTS)

Who cares about TioCon?

Stay focused.

We can't let the primos

in our room.

Not yet, anyway.

Why don't you leave

bellhop duty to me?

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

So what's the scuttlebutt?

Any good deals

on cable? Hmm?

Looks like this calls

for some ingenuity.

No one's getting in here unless

they've got ingenuity too.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, T-Sisters.

ALL: Hi, Tater.

Can I assist you

with your luggage

as you sign this

roommate agreement?

What's a

Ooh! Sparkle gel pen!

Thanks for

getting our backs, Tater.

Here. For your troubles.

It'll be worth a ton

someday.

This is going to be

even easier than I thought.

Oh, boy.

(GRUNTS)

You can get into my room

when your owners do.

After they've agreed to the

rules in my roommate agreement.

Hey, Lotlot.

You look, uh, busy.

Want me to grab

your luggage for ya?

Sure. If it doesn't

grab you first.

Hey, Cousin Bud. I found your,

uh Bag of trash?

Nope. That's my luggage. Didn't

want my compost to miss me.

Great. Gordita,

can I grab your luggage?

Best keep it upright. That's for

business. This is for pleasure.

Oh, yay,

Diplomats and Domains,

the super-complicated board game

that takes forever to play.

Can't wait

to break this out.

Roommate agreements.

Hey, Big Nacho

and Nachito.

Can I help bring in

your luggage?

I don't know, small fry,

can you?

I brought

my heaviest duffle.

And I brought

all my water g*ns.

Well, I brought

these g*ns.

(GRUNTING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Tater, wanna join

our little dance party?

Uh, maybe later.

But first, um,

can I, uh, bring in your stuff?

(LAUGHS)

Okay, sure.

And don't forget

my toys.

(WHISPERING)

And Scooter's

pitch pipe.

Great.

I'll go grab them

while you sign these.

Careful, Tater.

Nice and (SHOUTING) Easy!

(SQUEAKS)

Ugh!

I hear ya.

Extended warranties are for

suckers. Am I right? Huh?

(INDISTINCT)

Okay. That

just leaves

(GROWLING)

ChaCha!

Can I help you

with your, um, luggage?

Why is it wet?

Now I'll need you

to sign this.

(GROWLS)

(SIGHS IN RELIEF) Surely,

they'll all have signed

their roommate agreements by now.

What's the matter, guys?

Is there a problem

with the agreements?

I hope everybody

knows cursive.

We know cursive. We're just not

agreeing to these stupid rules.

(CLAMORING)

(SPITS)

Yeah. What she said.

Sorry for the dogpile, Tater,

but no music?

No nail polish?

No farting?

What about tooting?

Just a little

midday prootz.

No, no and no.

(FARTS)

Come on, Tater.

How about a compromise?

The agreements

are final.

But we don't agree

to any of it.

Good luck

getting us to sign.

Good luck getting

into my bedroom.

(LOCK OPENS)

Shouldn't have made the combo

your Social Security number.

Ingenuity!

Fine. You might have

the room, but I have your stuff.

(ALL GASPING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(PITCH PIPE PLAYS)

Well, we seem to be

at an impasse.

I, for one, would like to go get

some shut-eye in our room.

It is just

an expression.

I've never seen

her eyes close.

- (DOOR CLOSES)

- Maybe it's time for backup.

Nellie!

See, now I say, when the

burger's on the grill,

you back off.

Just leave it, man.

Or else you're gonna

miss out on all that sear.

You need

the sear, Papi.

(ALL AGREEING)

TioCon.

Guess it's just

you and me, Panda.

Might as well

make ourselves comfy.

- Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

- (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Who's there?

Oh, Lucita. Hi.

Oh, hi,

my favorite big prima.

I just came

to say I love you.

Aw!

And could you please give us

some of the luggage back?

The T-Sisters need

their silk pillowcases,

and we all need

Big Nacho's deodorant.

Uh Sure.

(GASPS)

Hey, wait a minute.

Real nice, guys. Sending Lucita

to do your dirty work.

Sorry, but tell them

if they don't sign,

they don't get

their stuff back.

Well, if we can't

have our stuff back,

you can't have your diary.

- (THUNDER RUMBLING)

- My diary!

(LAUGHS)

Guys, can we negotiate?

ALL: Too late!

Think, Tater, think. You gotta

get back into your room.

A-ha!

If I start in Mom and Dad's room

and go through the vents,

I think I can sneak in and out

without being seen.

What do you think?

You're right. Who's gonna

watch the stuff while I'm gone?

Hmm.

(SQUEAKING)

Don't let me down,

imi-Tater.

Carnal.

She's right there.

(TREMBLING)

(INHALES SHARPLY, GASPS)

Candy!

- (GRUNTS)

- (ALL GASP)

Tater, you're busted.

Wait, if Tater is here,

then that means

Our stuff!

No, wait.

Stop where you are.

(HARMONICA PLAYING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

ChaCha!

Tater!

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS)

No!

(COUGHS)

Well, I've still got

most of your stuff.

And my diary.

(KISSES)

You're safe now,

little buddy.

Guess we better see

how much damage they did to ya.

Oh. The latch

is still latched.

(GASPS) They

actually respected

my privacy?

- (DRILLING)

- (BANGING)

Oh, right.

They were probably too busy

destroying my room.

Guess it's just

you and me, buddy.

(SQUEAKING)

So if I capture

a cornfield, I become corn king.

(LAUGHS)

No one's even playing with me.

What's the point?

There's certainly no point

if you're going to

play the game wrong.

Here, let me

show you.

Be right back,

gotta pee. Ooh!

Can I watch

you guys play?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Wow, Gordita.

What a beast!

Hey, the game's

not over yet.

If I could just get

a waterway Ugh!

I'll trade you

two of my seaports

for some changes

to the roommate agreement.

Let's start with

the "no music" rule.

- Deal.

- (ALL CHEERING)

Hey, I'll give you my gold mine

if you lose the no perfume rule.

Trade you my salt flats

for my night light.

I'll trade you anything

if I can prootz again.

Yes, yes and no.

Oh, man.

(FARTS)

Honestly, all I really want

is a space of my own.

But it's not like

you can give me that.

Well, actually

(IN SING-SONG VOICE)

We have something to show you.

Ta-da!

Tater's corner.

You have our decorations.

And my night light.

And my ax.

Uh, to borrow.

But this is so

I mean, why

Why did you do

all of this for me?

Well, 'cause we

felt bad about,

you know, kicking you

out of your own room.

We just got so excited with

setting up our new digs.

We didn't mean to go all

invasive species on you.

So this is your corner, and we

promise to stay out of it.

Guys, I

I don't even know

what to say

except thank you.

BUD: What in blue blazes

happened here?

Who's going to

clean all this up?

You kids are so grounded.

Is that

Diplomats and Domains?

Oh, we used to

love that game.

All right.

Primos versus TioCon.

Winners take all.

Losers clean the hall.

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)