01x10 - Comet Day

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, Mama!

So I know the other day
was a little weird, right?

- When I didn't answer
one call from you

so you put everyone in a hole?

I know.

That was a really
hard day for me too.

I think we could
use a little break,

and I have the perfect getaway.

I am being honored at
the Women We Miss Awards

in New York City next week,
and I want you to be my date!

- Women We Miss?

- Yeah, it's a
glam-packed ceremony

that recognizes important women
who used to live in Manhattan

but who don't anymore.

They only give it to women

who are k*lling
it in the sticks.

- And that's you?
- Hell yeah!

It's through my arm too!
It's not just sleeve!

Hi, Seredith Mump-Klein

for "Women We Miss" Magazine.
I'll be shadowing you today.

Pretend like I'm not even here.
- Okay.

See what I mean?
It's a big deal.

- Do you remember
why you're here?

- Yeah, to succeed so
hard that New York begs me

to come back for a
weekend of praise

and maybe a little theater.

- Um, no.

You know how everyone
is in New Utopia

because they're waiting
for a comet to come

and take them away
to a better planet?

- Ugh, yes. Embarrassing.

- You kinda have to stay
here for that to happen.

And people aren't
allowed to leave

unless they're going to space.

The Elders can come and go,

but that's because your
dad gave them beepers.

Don't look at me like I'm weird.

I didn't make the rules. I
didn't give them beepers.

- What if we just slip
out for a few days?

Nobody will notice.

- I think they'll notice.

- What if I'm pretty sure

the comet's not
coming this weekend?

- Pretty sure?

Have you even checked
the telescope?

I'm having a conversation.

- You seriously
haven't even checked?

I mean, before your dad died,
he said it was pretty close.

- Oh, the fake thing is close?

I'm just kidding. Not fake.
Just a fake dad thing.

I know you don't believe
it; you're normal.

I'm gonna go
deal with this now.

Okay, bye!

- What was that?

- I'm stuck to the wall!

- So you're trying to
control my daughter

and she's being a real...
- Hey, Mae Mae!

- Whoa! What about it?

- Um, what are you watching?

- Porn.

- Oh, okay.

I need to know where
my dad's telescope is.

I'm trying to go to New
York for a few days,

collect an award,

really rub my life in
some people's faces,

and of course, I have to look
through a telescope first

and assure the wackadoos

a comet isn't coming
while I'm there.

- Oh, sausage ball.

You haven't even looked
through the telescope yet?

No wonder you've been
so hard to get in line.

That comet you'll see is
the key to the kingdom.

Go! Go now! It's
in the sex hut!

- It's called the
Leadership Center.

"So my daughter's
being a handful"?

Did my dad leave
you tapes about me?

- I have my own life!

- Ugh!

Mae Mae's got dad videos now,

I am still expected
to learn new things.

This is so stupid.

Someone was having some fun.

I'm not looking. I know
there's nothing there.

I'll just stand here long
enough to say I checked.

I'm bored!

Eh?

Pretty cool comet, huh?

Wait a minute.

What the... he got
his saucy rib fingers

on the telescope lens.

- Beautiful tangy comet.

- This is great!

I can tell everybody the
comet he said was coming soon

is just barbecue sauce!

New York, here I come!

- You can't do that.
- What?

- Now, Petra, I know
you're frustrated,

but you wouldn't want
to disrupt the system.

- Dad, the system sucks.

Here, I don't have a birthday.

There's one kind of ice cream.

There's gas that
makes everyone insane.

I can't even go to New York
for one night of gloating

without having to
look for a fake comet.

This place sucks.

- D'oh, what about my hot wives?

You love wives.

- No, Dad, you love wives!

- Oh, Petra, you can try
to tell everyone it's fake,

but they won't believe you.

I'm the one they trust.

- I am done doing
little Band-A*DS

to work around your crap.

I'm tanking your belief
system once and for all.

Now, stop talking to me!

- You were talking
to yourself, silly!

I'm imaginary.

- You look like
you've seen a ghost.

- No, no, he was imaginary.
- What?

You can't be
seriously entertaining

this comet business, can you?

- Mind your business.

- Petey, if you're
gonna be messing around

with this comet stuff,
you gotta be careful.

These people, it
means a lot to them.

- Did you see the comet?

Our salvation that was promised?

- Petra, look at you.
You've seen something!

I saw something.

- I told you you would.

Now tell them.
They're whispering.

All: Whisper, whisper,
whisper, whisper!

- Okay, everyone, listen up.

- Hey!
- Hey. One sec.

- I looked through
the telescope,

and I saw it.

I saw my father's comet.

- See? You can relax now.

Everything is the same.

- Not so fast.

I did the charts,
I ran the numbers

and looked in all the files,

and it's coming.

It's coming tonight!

Oh, my. Both: What?

- Did you see it?

- Yes, Elder Krad,
I just said it!

- All right, all right,
one at a time now!

Please have all Comet
Bucks in a neat envelope

to exchange for tickets.

See this? Don't do this.

- What are you doing, telling
them the comet's coming?

Why didn't you just
tell them it isn't real?

Because when the
comet doesn't come,

people will realize
he was full of it.

I need to separate
myself from him.

I mean, I'm exposing
my dad's lies...

I thought you'd like this.

- I do... in theory.

But you can't just rip the
Band-Aid off with these people.

They're acting like
they got hours to live!

I'm not sure, maybe divine goo?

- I'm listening.

- Hey. Why don't you
take off those glasses?

Whoa. Wow.
- Mm.

- Everyone is seizing the
moment and being cute.

Except for you.

- No way, I'm always cute.

You're the one messing
with people's heads.

There needs to be a lengthy
deprogramming protocol

to ease people out of cult life.

- Oh, stop being hysterical.

Yeah, they want the comet,
but they'll get over it.

Y2K happened and
everyone was fine after.

- Some people were fine after.

Some people burned
their passports

and walked barefoot
to Jerusalem.

What kind of people do you think

we're dealing with here... yah!

Won't
be needing these!

- These people are
gonna need therapy,

emotional support, those
shiny, crinkly blankets.

Petey, think about my mama.

My mama.

- So I'm trying to track how
"in" this community you are.

You roll your eyes
at a lot of stuff,

but it seems like this
comet is freaking you out.

- I'm not freaking out.

- You've been squirting 7-Up

on the floor for three minutes.

- Well, he was
right about Pluto!

Where did that come from?

- Exactly. Where
did it come from?

- It's just strange.

Like, I'm not some
kinda comet wackadoo,

I haven't believed in
it for a long time.

Or at least I think I
haven't believed in it,

but now that Petey said
it's coming, I don't...

I don't
wanna think about it!

- Okay.

- You think I'm
weird now, don't you?

Now?

I'm just playing around.
Okay, how about this?

You kinda feel like you've
put yourself out there

a little bit, right?

- Mm.
- Okay.

I'll put myself out
there, too, so we're even:

I have a few dates that I've
been wanting to take you on.

I was gonna save them for
later in the relationship

so I don't look
too corny up top,

but do you wanna
do them tonight?

Nearby, of course.

You know, just in
case a comet, uh,

takes you to space.
- Mm.

- Dustbust! Dustbust faster!

- Oh, whoa! Mae Mae,
what's going on?

- We're preparing the alien
cruise ship landing terminal.

This is where the
comet will land

to allow us to cross to...

all: The other side
of the universe,

where it is nice.

- It would've been easier

if you hadn't
stopped construction

and then waited
till the last minute

to tell me the comet was
arriving in a few hours,

which was such a surprise!

Oh, you're funny!

But don't you worry, Mae
Mae's gonna get it all ready,

and everything's
gonna work out fine.

- The Dustbuster's jammed!

- There's no time!
We'll use our mouths!

- How exactly do you think
these people are gonna react

when they find out the comet

they're sucking the
ground for doesn't exist?

They'll be devastated
and have no idea

what reality is.

It'll be a humanitarian
disaster here, Petey.

I want my mama back.

- A humanitarian disaster?

Well, that won't look good
for the Women We Miss.

- Wha?
- Oh, nothing.

I do see your point.

We gotta deprogram, and
we gotta do it fast.

- We?
- I got us into this mess.

You have to let me help.

I really care about this.

If we are gonna get rid of this

jacked-up belief
system for good,

we're gonna have
to do it together.

- All right.

You didn't leave
us a lot of time,

so we're gonna need help.

I'll invite my therapist.

Oh, right.

You're in therapy.

Uh...

- Oh, look!

- ♪ All the things I thought ♪

♪ I've thrown away
are still here ♪

- Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm...

Right?

♪ And I'll
wait, and I'll wait ♪

♪ To hold you again ♪

♪ Standing
here in the doorway ♪

♪ I will leave the
porch light on ♪

♪ And I'll wait for you,
and I'll wait for you ♪

♪ For you to come,
come back home ♪

♪ You to come,
come back home ♪

Oh,
yeah! Oh, yeah!

- Oh!

- Wow, this has been so fun.

I mean, I barely thought
about the comet at all.

- Right. Do you want to?

You know me, I'm
cool with anything.

- Look, I know that it's
unlikely that a comet is coming

to take me to the other
side of the universe.

I get that, but...

It's still up here.

- I get it.

Like, I always
believe my friends

when they say they're
five minutes out,

which really means they're
just getting in the shower.

- Yeah, we're talking
about the same things.

- Well, if the
comet doesn't come,

we could go on a trip together.

Maybe an Airbnb out in nature.

You know, relax, get fresh air,

be so scared of bugs and
creepy noises we can't sleep,

hook up, or feel good.

- I mean, hey, if the
comet doesn't come,

I could leave... forever.

I mean, if there isn't a
comet, what's keeping me here?

- Whoa.

- Wow.

Who knew deprogramming
could feel so good?

- I did. That's
why I got into it.

I can't believe it.

New Utopia's finally
gonna be free again.

Because of us.

I'm here! I'm here!

Ready to do therapy! Oh.
- We're working!

- This is how we're doing it?

It's an unusual approach,

but then again,
I'm an unusual man.

- Ooh, no, no!
- No! No, no, no.

- That's fine too.
- Knock, knock.

Whoa, sausage party! Ha, ha.

I'm just kidding,
gentlemen... And Petey.

- Who's this guy?

- One of Petey's also-rans.

Just got a message that the
crinkly blankets arrived.

Petey'll fill you in.
Delegate and so forth.

I gotta say, I am
so impressed by you.

Giving up everything here.

Having nothing to
show for yourself.

Being willing to go back
to New York and say,

"I got jack sh*t going on,"

effectively burning
your inheritance.

Letting go of your
inspiring comeback story

without a Plan C.

That's real selfless
stuff right there.

- Uh...
- Telling the world, "Hey!

"I'm not special;
I'm just an average,

"unemployed nobody
from a puddle of mud

formerly known as New Utopia."

This was your only hope.

Now it's just another
place from your past.

Okay.

You guys behave yourselves.

- Would you like
to talk about that?

- Uh...

not yet.

You had something to tell me?

I have
a girlfriend.

- And then she clarified...
Not just a trip,

but away from here
and never come back.

And your hair smells good.

That last one's from me.
- Really?

Now Eliza's doing all this

because of what I
said about the comet?

It's like suddenly I'm
supposed to be a nobody

to everyone, including
my best friend,

just because my
dad's comet is fake?

Like, where is the appreciation?

I have accomplished a lot here!

We had a wedding!

Okay, well, I don't have
to list it all for you!

I am a woman that
New York misses.

- If the appreciation
of New York

means so much to you,
why don't you go back?

Women We Miss is just for women

who are succeeding
outside of New York.

If I go back because
this place has blown up,

I won't be a "Women We Miss";
I'll be a Woman Who Failed.

And that award ceremony blows.

- Thank you for telling me that.

- Okay, everyone!

Make sure you're in the
correct boarding group.

The comet could be
here any minute.

- Okay, so in terms of
our deprogram program,

what I need from you
two is to help me,

not pivot per se, but
to build off the plan

that Bandit and I were making.

Can you two keep secrets?

- With all my heart.
- We can make a case

for patient confidentiality.

- Perfect.

Now, how do you
give people meaning

and feel good and
forget about the comet

but also have them trust you

more than the thing they
thought they wanted?

- Be careful, Petey.

If you give vulnerable
people a little bit of hope,

they'll follow you forever.

- Oh, that's great!
I can use that.

Where was that list,

"10 Ways Toxic Cult
Leaders Gain Control"?

- I'm a little
concerned you're putting

check boxes next to those.

Is your objective to
deprogram the cult

only to reprogram the cult?

- Uh, let's call it a
rebrand. In a good way.

But yes, still cult,
with all of the perks,

like your friends
still stick around

and you still have
a group of people

you can call your own and
you're still a success

in the jealous eyes
of your old coworkers.

- I'm not comfortable
participating in this.

- Great. You're fired. Me
and... what's your name?

- Kimball.

- Me and Kimball
got it from here.

Okay, hunk, we have
a lot of work to do.

- Thank you for
being vulnerable.

- Petey, Petey, Bandit. This
is Bandit, go for Petey.

The Eagle is in position

and in love with the Birdie.

- I know this seems silly,
but I gotta see this through.

- I'm gonna wait in the truck

with tissues and
turkey sandwiches.

Either way, someone's crying.

- All right, everybody!

It's comet time!

- Ahh! It didn't come!

- What is going
on? What happened?

- We were promised a comet!

- At this point, I
can't say I'm surprised.

- I'm turning to deviance.

- I told my boyfriend
my real name!

- Can you hear me?

I need to borrow some pants!

- Come in, Petey!
Petey, do you copy?

Petey, do you roger?

Petey, what's your 20?
Petey, please say "roger!"

- Fear not, New Utopians.

I have the answer.

- Eh... wha?

- I know you're
all upset right now

and feel like your
lives are over.

I felt that way once too.

When I got here, I
couldn't do anything.

I couldn't play pool darts.

I didn't know what mud was.

- I had never had
sex with three women

who were married to my dad.

Crowd: Aw.
- Wait, what?

- But being a part
of this community

has changed my life.

I grew to love it.

I grew to cherish
its traditions.

And we have accomplished
a lot together.

Remember the
wedding?

- Our binder. She
didn't even use it.

What's she doing?

- The comet did come.
It's the comet of truth.

And the truth is,

my father was a
liar.

- Maybe she didn't need it.

- But he didn't just lie to you.

He lied to me too. And it hurt.

But I'm not sad,

because I have a
little bit of hope.

All: Hope?

- Would you like a
little bit of hope?

- Yes, please!

- Will you trust me
with your happiness

because there's nobody
else who understands you

like I do?

All: Yes, Petey!
- Wait a second.

- All you have to do is stay.

It's not a lot to ask.

Just stay here with
me. Will you do that?

All: Yes, Petey!

- No, stop! She's
culting again!

- Welcome to New New Utopia.

I am the comet,

and I have arrived!

- Oh... no, no, no!

Mama!

Mama, hello.

My name is Bandit, and I will
be deprogramming you today.

- Oh, can it, you
self-righteous blowhard.

I don't need saving.

- But Mama, she's lying!

You know she's lying!

- What Petey did tonight,

the way she took
control of the people,

ooh, that's someone I
can really work with.

Oh! That woman.

She's a comet.

- I think you're confused.

- Bandit, I love you,

but you've never
respected me or my career.

- Now, hold up, I would
never disrespect a woman,

and I would never
disrespect a woman's career.

I'm a good man!

- Well, you did. And
not just any woman.

- My mama.

Be strong now.

Eliza, hey!

You're still here, thank God.

- "I'm the comet?
I have arrived?"

What was that?

- Genius, right?

Like, I don't wanna
lose everything,

and I definitely
don't wanna lose you,

so I got rid of my dad,
and now I make the rules,

and isn't it nice, we
can go to New York?

So you manipulated the
whole town, including me.

Do you have any idea
what we've been through?

- No, my dad manipulated people.

It's his fault.

- Your dad's been
dead for a year.

You gotta stop blaming him.

- Uh... where are you going?

- Me and Connie are
going to a scary cabin.

- Oh. For how long?
- I don't know.

But she taught me
something that I hope

everyone else here
learns one day:

that there are people out there

who will do a ton of
nice stuff for you,

and they don't even
have to hurt you first.

- You used me!

Mind if I cut in?
- Yep, get in there, cowboy.

- You used me!

You distracted me
with lovemaking

so I couldn't be out
there, deprogramming!

I almost got my mama outta here,

and you snatched her up again!

- That wasn't my plan!

My goals shifted.

The sex was just
also something I did.

But yeah, maybe I don't
wanna give everything up.

Why should I have to
throw my success away?

I leave you
alone for one second

with my therapist
and some hot guy?

- Okay, what am I gonna do?

Start over again? Where?

Is there a smaller
town for me to go to

where everyone's a mole person

and I have to get
them out of the dirt?

- I mean, yeah, two towns over.

The Mole People
make great cheese.

- Face it, Petey.
You're a liar.

- A liar, just like your father.

"I'm the comet."
There's no comet!

- ♪ When the sky
consumes the city ♪

♪ Don't give up on the sun ♪

Mm, take me home!

- Oh, um...

Wha...

- Uh...
- What...

Oh, my...

Oh, has anyone
seen that journalist?

- I'm accepting this award
on behalf of my daughter,

Petey St. Barts, who
couldn't be here tonight.

She's busy with work.

She's busy with work!

- Mm.

Thank you.

Hmm.

- I had gone to New Utopia

thinking I was
writing a puff piece

on an average girl
who left New York

and moved to the country.

That story would've been
fascinating in itself.

Instead, what I found was
something much deeper.

Mysterious business,

doomsday proclamations,

Alan Tudyk missing,

a scorned ex-girlfriend
willing to talk,

and a mysterious group
that some might call

a "C you last Tuesday."

This season on
"Shaming Petey"...