01x06 - Not-Sad Adult Birthday

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, birthday skank!

Where are you?

- Ella, I'm not coming.

I've moved, remember?

And everyone here
high-key worships me,

so you have to figure
my birthday's gonna be

a huge holiday.

- But if you're not here,

who will take me to the
ER when I get really hurt?

- Ella, I know every
year on my birthday,

you get really hurt.

- Physically. I injure my body.

- I guess this year,
maybe try not get hurt?

Breakfast in bed?

No!

Mae Mae, stop. For
me? For my birthday?

Oh, don't! Oh, my God.

Hmm.
- Your father will explain.

My father?

- Hi, Petey!

It's your birthday.

So happy birthday!

And if I know Mae Mae,
she left this tape

and ran like hell.

There's some bad news
you need to hear.

- It's hard for me to
hear what you're saying

before you blow out the candles.

- Don't worry about the candles.

In New Utopia, they celebrate

the day you were born,

but it's not about you.

- Oh, no.

- It's in honor of your mother

and her journey to giving birth

in a holiday we
call Crowning Day.

- Uh, what?

- It's the result

of a long-forgotten
marital negotiation.

There's a parade and an
all-day variety show.

Your mother comes to town.

- My mother comes to town?

- She sings, tells stories,
a real triple threat.

Wait, that's... that's two.

- Just blow out
the candles, Dad.

- Oh, she tells jokes
at your expense.

That's the third.

She really roasts you,
but the crowd eats it up.

- No!

- Happy Crowning Day, kid.

Cake is ruined.

- Crowning Day?

Hmm.

- So, Mae Mae, Crowning Day.

Little curve ball.

Did not realize my
birthday would be a holiday

that's not about me, but
I can hang with that.

I'm a grown-up.

Don't need to be like,
"Wah, my birthday!"

That's... that's for being
in your early-mid-20s.

We can just do a
small grown-up thing

and be happy with that
because there's nothing sadder

than being sad on your birthday.

The good news is, my mom is
coming to town, which is good.

So we can do dinner,
which is great.

And maybe you could give me
one of your incredible hugs.

It'll be perfect.
It'll be perfect!

Right, Mae Mae?

Oh, wow, I talked to
a mop for a long time.

I saw
the whole thing!

- Last call for pregame alcohol.

Relax your throat.

- Wow. Big day, huh?

- Yeah, Crowning Day.
It's a huge holiday.

People love it.

- Which also means it's
someone's birthday.

- Oh, it's not my birthday.

- No, it's my birthday.

- Oh, yeah.

You were the baby's head.

Wow. I never put that together.

That's wild. Good for you.

Happy Crowning Day.
- Thanks.

So I just learned my
mom will be in town,

and you're obviously my
bestie, so I was thinking,

after Crowning Day
whatever wraps up,

that the three of us should
have birthday dinner.

- You want to spend your
birthday with your mom?

- Eliza, this is grown-up
birthday, city style.

When your mom's in
town, you go to dinner.

You bring your
friends. Mom pays.

It's like... it's so
standard, it's crazy.

- If you say so.

Anyway, thanks for the invite,

but Crowning Day is
usually my whole day.

I'm super busy.

- Okay, bye.

Happy Crowning Day, everyone.

Hmm.

My mom.

- Hand in your signed
NDA on the right.

Get your ticket for
today's show on the left.

- And so I said, "Well, well...

you don't deserve
the third well."

- Mom, it's me, Petey.

- Petey, so good to see you.

Come into my dressing room
and not out of my uterus.

Oh, I know today is
a huge day for you,

but I wanted to see
if you're around

to get dinner later
for my birthday.

- I'm glad you're
here, actually.

- Really?
- You're glad I'm here?

- I need you to sign this.

- A nondisclosure agreement?

- Don't act like you
haven't seen one before.

I need to create distance
between myself and New Utopia.

You see, Petra,
I'm from this town

before it was a cult.

So we're not Prussian?

- All right. Well,
it is your birthday.

So as a gift, I suppose I can
give you a little backstory.

My birth name was
Tammy Overalls.

- Tammy Overalls.
You know her?

- So I do know an Overalls.

- I managed to climb
my way out of the swamp

and reinvent myself
in Midtown Manhattan.

If the truth of my
roots ever came out,

it would threaten
my current life,

and I'd have to get my
hair done in Connecticut

like Ruth Madoff.

- So instead, I come
to town every year

to put on a
knock-your-socks-off,

leave-it-all-on-the-stage
cabaret,

in exchange for legally binding
agreements from everyone

to never mention my
association with New Utopia.

Is it also fun for me? Sure.

And since you live here now,
I need one from you too.

- So you want me to sign an NDA

because you're
embarrassed of your past,

but not because of me?

That's the nicest
thing you've ever said.

So how about that dinner?

There's a really good
mashed potato place

in Apple Bucket.

- Oh, honey, I would love to.

But I don't want to.

Every year, I get out of dodge

when the last one
of these is signed.

- If you don't like
it, you shouldn't have

been born on Crowning Day.

Is that anything?

- Hey. Figured I'd
catch the show.

Should
we sit together?

- Let me see your ticket.

Oh, your seat is so bad.

No, I'm good. Bye.

Mae Mae!

We sit together? You
give me birthday hug?

- Kay.

Well, this is just getting
weirder and weirder.

- Oh, mama!

Thank you very much.

They say motherhood is a gift.

Well, I'll tell
you what motherhood

and gifts have in common...

A box getting ripped apart.

It took nine months
to create my daughter,

yet looking at her,

you'd think it
took five minutes.

- I don't think they realize
she's talking about me.

They're not making
the connection.

- Petey's like a work of
art: I spent millions on her,

she serves no purpose,

and Jerry Saltz of
"New York Magazine"

described her as a
tacky piece of sh*t.

What?

Nope. Nope.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no! No.

Okay.

My mom's roast jokes hurt
worse than I was prepared for,

and no one would even
sit with me during it.

So my mom and bestie dinner
is clearly not happening.

My only option I have left
for a grown and sexy birthday

is to find some
rando to bang me out.

Oh.

- Mmm.

That'll do.

- Well, if it's not the apple
rolling away from the tree.

What's the matter? Can't
share the spotlight?

- I don't need a spotlight,
I don't need a hug,

and I don't need my mom.

- What do you need, princess?

- I need to get banged out.

Like, now.

Ugh!

- Did I hear someone
needs to get banged out?

Hi, Petey. I'm Polly.

Bandit's random girlfriend.

So excited to meet you.

Get in, loser.

We're going guy shopping.

- So just to be
clear, I wasn't saying

I wanted to get
banged out by you.

Ugh. Just,
like, in general.

And, um, since when do
you have a girlfriend?

- Since recently.

We've been dating together,
because I like her.

- Cool. Right. Congrats.

- Guys, we're going in.

Petey, are you so stoked?

Get stoked.

Yum.

Polly, what is this place?

- This is the hunky bar
on the outskirts of town.

It's where all the
square-jawed hotties

got banished to when
your dad got paranoid

about not being the
hottest man around.

Not all the hotties.

Just the early bloomers.

- So you're really all right
helping me out with this?

- Why not? We're buddies.

Fine friends.

- Just try to have a bad
birthday in this place.

I've already put together
some great options...

Really sketchy guys,
up for anything.

So scary.

- Time to make some mistakes.

Come on, girl.

- So I picked myself
up off the floor,

and I said to myself,

"You may have ruined my body
and my life and my spirit,

A one, a two,

a one, two, three, four.

Seven, eight!

- Oof, I don't even
know where to start.

Gosh, it's been so long

since I've been around
a really hot guy.

You ain't
gonna make me jealous.

- She's not trying to, silly.

You don't have to do anything.

I'm the "pear-fect" wingwoman.

- "Or, my gourd."

I used to be the same way
when I lived in the city.

- She's nothing like you.
You're two different people.

I promised myself
I wouldn't act crazy tonight.

- Hmm? What?
- Nothing.

- Relax, Petey. I'm a pro.

Because I make men
feel funny and smart,

which gives them confidence
to approach girls

out of their league.

Watch.

- Hey, you dropped this.

- Oh, my God. I'm
such a stupid klutz.

No, you're not.

- I'm barely strong
enough to hold a purse.

- Oh, well, I'm strong
enough to hold a purse.

- Wow.

Have you met my
hot friend Petey?

She is the coolest.

Today's her birthday,
and she's thirsty.

- I noticed the bottoms
of your jeans are cramped.

Been under house arrest lately?

- What... what are
you talking about?

No, they're just too long.

- How about we call your
parole officer and find out?

Shut up.

- Bandy, what's your problem?

- I know an ankle monitor
indent when I see one.

That man was not safe!

- Babe, you're being
so aggro and defensive

of your hot platonic friend.

Don't worry, Petey.

This wingwoman has more
tricks up her sleeve.

- Your hair is like
the finest bale of hay

on a summer morning.

- My childhood? Uh, not good.

- Mine wasn't either.

Oh!

- Oh, no.

Oh, she just abandoned me
like everybody else does.

Sure, sure.

So stupid.

Ooh.

- Okay, Bandit was right.

Those other guys were
too artsy and wounded.

But this one...
- He's just a piece of meat.

And I'm going to
gnaw him to the bone.

- ♪ Get it ♪

- That's the sound
of satisfaction.

- We have a problem.

- I don't pay you to
bring me problems.

What are you, my child?

- Um, it's been
brought to my attention

that we are still missing one of

the nondisclosure agreements.
- Missing one?

I can't afford to
be missing one.

Do you know what is on the line?

I won't have my
past become a joke

on the New York
c*ck party circuit.

Who's the holdout?

- Yeah, it's pretty cool.

And I can eat
whatever I want, so...

- Wow, that's really hot.

- Yay me!

Score another win for
the matchmaking queen.

He's too tall.

That height's not normal.

It's not like I care, but
that's serial k*ller tall.

- Why would a serial
k*ller need to be tall?

Bandit, you're acting
like a jealous boyfriend,

but about Petey,
your platonic friend.

That is so funny.

I love comedy.

- Oh, I don't care.

I don't care about anything.

Well, I care about
justice, social movements,

knowing when to pick
up a rescue animal

and when to leave
it where it is...

- Yeah, yeah, I know, babe.

I'm gonna celebrate
this wingwoman win

with a trip to the
tinkle factory.

- Hey, you have
something in your eye.

Let me get it.

- It's an eyelash.

My hero.

- Hey, blow.

- Huh? Agh!

- Ah! Hey, what the frick?

- Don't just tell her to blow!

It's her birthday.

No!

- I told myself I wasn't
gonna act crazy tonight.

- You looking for this?

- What do you want,
country mouse?

- I want you.
- I'm flattered,

but I don't do my
husband's sloppy seconds.

- Unflatter yourself.

I need a favor.

Put me down, jerk.

You ruined my
birthday sex plans.

- Selfish little cult
leader doesn't even know

how to say thank you.

- Thank you for what?

I was doing just fine.
Better than fine.

So take me back.

Oh, no. Oh, my birthday hair!

- Let's take shelter
in one of my barns.

- "One" of your barns?

My legs work, you know.

Believe it or not, this isn't
even my craziest birthday.

My birthday last year,
we rented a yacht

in a forbidden lagoon,

a piranha took a chunk
out of Ella's leg,

and we had to be airlifted
out.

Or the year before that,
we rented a helicopter,

and Ella fell out
because she was twerking

in front of the open door.

It was so crazy.

- Sounds exhausting.

- I mean, I didn't have
birthday parties as a kid.

My mom was never in town.

Oh, she was here.

- Crowning Day.
- You get it.

Mae Mae was so tied
up with the cult,

I'm sure your
birthday sucked too.

- Oh, no, my mom went
nuts on my birthday...

Petting zoo, moon bounce,
real swords, the whole nine.

Then she'd sob about
how becoming a mom

was the best thing that
ever happened to her.

- Oh, wow.

Talk about salt in the wound.

- You know,

salt cures meat.

- I never understood
that process.

How does it keep
meat from spoiling?

- It reduces water activity.

- But if you had to choose
between curing and freezing...

- Freezing.

I have a confession.

I brought you here on purpose.

You
orchestrated this?

- I guess you could say that.

- But why?

- I know you say you hate me,

but do you maybe
opposite hate me?

Maybe.

All: Surprise!

- Happy birthday, Petey!

- Oh, wow.

You did this for me?

- I did. Uh-huh. I
got you, didn't I?

- So everything today
was for the surprise?

Bandit didn't do this
to be alone with me?

It was all part of
a birthday prank?

- I have another
surprise for you.

- Darling, it's me.

♪ Surprise ♪

- Darling, I who
birthed you salute you,

and many returns of the day.

This counts as dinner.

Bah-dah!

- Is everything okay?

You don't seem very happy
to see your mean mom.

Isn't that what you wanted?

- Yeah.

I mean, I did.

It seemed like a good
idea at the time.

- And so I said...

- Well, thank you
for getting her here,

however you did it.

- Light blackmail.
You're welcome.

- That's really impressive.

She is not easy to blackmail.

- Uh, yeah.

- So just double-checking,
when you were

making me feel like sh*t, was
that a Crowning Day thing?

Or...
- Oh, yeah.

That was bad, right?

I've never thrown
anyone a birthday party,

so I did what they do on TV.

Get everyone to ignore you
so you're really surprised

when the party happens.

- You were really good at it.

It's just...

Today, everything...
And with my mom here...

You know, she is what she is.

And I know she loves
me... or something.

- Yeah. You know,
I'm kind of surprised

you wanted to spend
your birthday with her.

Your mom's a lot.

- Huh. She is, isn't she?

- I mean, who am I to say?

I grew up with some
big personalities.

But honestly, there's
something that you don't seem

to understand that I feel
like you should know.

Your mom sucks.

- Whoa.

She does, doesn't she?

- I mean, she puts
on a great show.

Don't get me wrong.
But she sucks.

- My mom sucks.

Why does that
feel like good news?

- Exactly.

So did we do it?

Are you happy?

- Oh, my God.

I am happy on my birthday.

- Yes!

- Petey, happy birthday!

Get in here, sweet girl.

Take a hit of the good stuff.

I've been
waiting for this all day.

Yay!

Mae Mae hug.

Ooh, I feel like a
dog in a ThunderShirt.

Where have you been all day?

- I'm so sorry.

I can't keep secrets,
so I had to skedaddle.

- You can't keep secrets?

How was that possible
working for my dad?

- Oh, no, silly.

I mean fun secrets.

It's wicked secrets I
eat for morning meal.

- ♪ My voice ♪

- Dear heart, what is that
bag of bones doing here?

- Oh, she's here for my party.

Eliza extorted her.

- Oh, that's nice.

Good friend.

- It's like being in a
straitjacket who loves you.

- Thanks for your help
with my surprise party.

It's really nice.

You're a good... friend.

- Thank you.

You are... a friend to me...

is how I think of
you on your birthday.

- Oh, and I really hope
things work out with Polly.

I hope she's not mad.
- Oh, my gosh, mad?

Mad about what?

Bandit was such a gentleman
leaving me the truck.

He did take the keys,
so I had to walk

8 miles back in the rain,

but you know how men are,

just so forgetful
about the details.

I love when Bandit forgets me.

It's our own fun
little inside joke.

- You didn't ask me if you
could have a party here.

How'd you even know it'd be open

or if she would even be here?

- I didn't have
to. I know you.

And I knew you'd find a
way to get her alone today.

- Now it looks like
I was in on it!

- Isn't it better that it
looks like you were in on it

versus the alternative?

- So let me get this straight.

You left me to come hang
out with Petey in this barn?

I get it. It's her birthday.

I'll go wait in the
truck. Come on, Hydrangea.

Funny doggy.

- Eliza, you're my best friend.

And you didn't even get
hurt on my birthday.

- Make a wish, b*tch!

- Hmm, I...

hope my mom dies.

- Whoa, okay! Pull it back.

- Yeah, okay.

- Ella, I know every
year on my birthday,

you get really hurt.
- Physically.

I injure my body.

- ♪ Everybody move your body ♪

- Oh!

Oh, my tooth!

My foot's in the hole!

My orbital bone!

Petey, help me
look for my tooth!

My left groin!

The mimosa went into my eye!

My eye went into the mimosa!

The police horse
thinks my hair is hay!

No, police horse, no!

My lashes!

I burnt my tongue on an engine.

Petey, there's an
owl attacking me.

Petey!

Ow!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

- ♪ Everybody move your body ♪

- Can we go to the hospital
where Beyoncé had her babies?

Please.

I like that one the best.