01x05 - Barn Wedding

[bunniefuu]

- Well, it looks like
the cult is broke again.

So we need to figure out

how to use our country resources

to convince outsiders
to give us their money

without forcing them
into a doomsday community

they can never leave.

- We need to?

- Yes. I need
you as a partner.

- Partners?

I hope going into
business together

doesn't affect our
personal lives,

like it did in that one
episode of "City."

- This is the one where we
start a business together.

- And it's affecting
our personal lives.

- And me, I'm just sucking a D.

- And I'm the lawyer one.

Ah!

- God, I love that show.

- Let's strategize.

What resources does
this place have?

- Well, we've got an
idyllic country location,

several beautiful barns
that hold a few hundred,

a c*ptive audience who loves
tradition-based celebrations,

musicians, mason jars,
a bunch of people

who are great at
giving speeches,

and outdoor bathrooms that
can really take a beating.

- That's it.

- Barn. wedding. porn?

- Dot com was taken.

City people are obsessed

with finding a Gram-worthy barn

in the middle of
nowhere to marry

their nothing boyfriends in.

So why not here?

What do you think?

- I mean, I think it's perfect.

Weddings here are...
They're a little different.

But I'm not cloistered like
these other cult weirdos.

Growing up, I had a secret TV,

so I know how normal
people do weddings.

- The only weird thing
about this wedding

should be how good it is.

Anyway, you already run a bar,

so you can head up food and bev.

And I can take care of
schmoozing the city dummies

and curating the high-quality
upcharge packages.

We should have a
few weeks to prep.

Holy crap, someone
booked it for tomorrow.

- Wow, the couple
is from New York.

Do you know them?
- New York's a pretty big town.

I'm not just gonna
randomly know...

- Hey, I know
him. That's Brian.

That's the guy you made us
make fake Instagram accounts

and write mean comments
on all his posts for.

Oh, sh*t.

Weren't you two engaged?

- You okay?

- Yeah, I screamed it all
out, and I'm fine now.

So let's plan a wedding

for my ex-fiancé
who cheated on me.

- Okay, champ, while
you were screaming,

I did make a plan, which
does involve a clipboard

and a Britney Spears mic.
- Perf.

And it makes total sense
that Brian and his fiancée

would book our barn and
get the guys' girl package.

I knew that was a good add-on.

- Which one is that again?

- The all-inclusive
wedding package

for brides who don't have

any female friends
for whatever reason.

We provide up to 12 bridesmaids.

It's the kind of amenity
that sets us apart

from other barns.

- Should we focus on
making your ex jealous

or doing a good job
with our business?

- We could do both.

Women are great at multitasking.

First, we need to make
this town seem normal...

Normal wedding normal.

Like in Colonial Williamsburg,
you see butter churning.

You don't see, like, typhus.

We're leading with
country forward

and cult nowhere.

- Oh, so zero cult traditions?

Because some of them
are kind of nice.

Hey, I love this guy!

Get 'em, Tortie.

Whoo!

- I think people will really
respond to the country part

if we can hide the other stuff.

New Yorkers are super judgy.

- Oh, right, like on TV shows.

- Right. Now let's
give out some jobs.

Crowd: Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!

- Citizens of New Utopia,
there is going to be

a wedding here with
guests from New York City.

- New York City?

- That's right,
Incredulous Cowboy.

A lot needs to get
done in one day.

And if we do it right,

we could get great word of mouth

and lots more money.

So it's all hands on deck.

I thought that
was an applause line.

- Just catch your breath.

Anyway, each person
will be assigned a job.

- Whoa!

- And each job is important.

- You, the former yoga teacher,

you have a front-of-house
face and body.

You'll run coat check.

You, the yuppies who fled

various large
cities to come here,

you'll pass out apps and make

light, city-appropriate
banter with the guests.

And where are my wives at?

- Hi Petey. Way ahead of you.

You'd like us to spit on Wendy?

- Close. You're
gonna be bridesmaids.

- Brides... maids.

So we all marry him
and then we clean?

- No, it's nothing weird.

You just wake up at 5:00 a. m.,

watch nine people slowly
get their makeup done.

You bankrupt yourself going
to Nashville or New Orleans

until you hate the bride.

- I think I'm from Nashville.

- And you all wear
the same dress

while one woman yells
at you and expects you

to blindly obey
her every demand.

You think you can do that?

- That sounds great.

- Spit on me too.
- Super!

- Great. And that's everyone.

- What about us wackadoos?

- Right, you guys.

- Go get pine cones.

But the pine trees
are really f...

Go get pine cones.

- Pine cones!

- Thank you for leaving

the most important job for last.

What should I do?

Prepare the blood chalice
or the bone throne?

Oh, what am I saying?

I'll find the sacred tortoise.

Can't have a wedding
without the sacred tortoise.

- Oh, actually Mae Mae, I think
me and Eliza have it covered.

But you can, um, hand out
welcome gifts at the hotel.

That would be super helpful.

- Once again, the great daughter

has forgotten the elders.

- Does she not know that
we tear up the dance floor?

- She'll see how fun we are
when we crash the wedding.

- We love wedding crashers,
the movie and the concept.

- Although we've
never seen the movie.

- I've seen it.

- No you haven't.

Beware us!

- Bob's team said they
were gonna take care of it.

Sorry, conference call.

- Conference call.
- Conference call.

- I used to be the one
mouthing "conference call,"

and now I'm the one being
mouthed "conference call" to.

This wedding has to
rock their stupid asses.

- All of their asses,
or just your ex?

'Cause I need to plan.

- I can't believe I
almost married that loser.

Ugh, poor Amy.

I bet I'll feel bad for
her when I meet her.

- No way. She for sure sucks.

80 comet bucks says she does
a slow dance with her dad.

Like that episode
of "City."

- Ugh, yikes.

- And I'm the lawyer.

- And I'm just sucking a D.

Both: God, I love that show.

- Wife Beth, you look
cute, which is wrong.

You should look good in pictures

but terrible in real
life. Bigger eyelashes.

- On it.

- I mean, what is this?

Doling out bags
of tiny Pedialyte

and sachets of seeds
from local flowers.

I'm tired of being pushed aside.

I don't have a job.

I don't have a purpose.

I could just die.

- Now it's a wedding, at
least where I come from.

I'm Aunt Maxine. Whose aunt?

Who cares?

- Wow.

- ♪ I took a ride ♪

- ♪ On the side ♪

♪ Of the swan ♪

♪ Ee ♪

- Petey, snap out of it,

because your ex-fiancé
and his new fiancé

are trying to say hi.

- Hi, I'm Amy.

Oh, you know this guy.

Anyway, we need a shower.

There's so much dirt
here. I love it.

- Remember how you
were gonna help make

my ex jealous at his wedding?
- Already all over it.

- You hired me a hot
escort as a fake date?

You did watch TV!

- So this isn't a job.
Who wants to work?

The thing about a rat race
is, you're surrounded by rats.

No thanks.

Here you go.

It's got seeds. Who cares?

I'm retired and loving it.

Now you try.

- Here you go.
It has Pedialyte.

I've become obsolete.

I'm a Rolodex. I'm an iPod.

Bury me in the ground
where no one can find me,

then throw me in the trash.

- Oh Mae Mae, so your
working days are over.

Embrace it.

The opposite of
working is living.

Say, do you know where
a couple of older gals

can have a little fun?

- Nice cornhole!

- So excited.
- Blech.

I hope my date is better
than these groomsmen.

- ♪ Yeah, uh ♪

♪ You're like a handgun

♪ And you're going
against a cannon ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

- Someone order the
"make your ex jealous

at his wedding" package?

- Ugh.

- Oh, that Bandit.

- You're the escort
for my ex's wedding?

Ugh, no.

- I believe in
serving my community.

Even low-life,
terrible, cult scum...

Sexy, gorgeous, captivating,

French-adjacent,
no-pore smoke shows.

- Ooh!

Fine.

I expect you to be the
ideal wedding date.

You should be at my side
but not afraid to mingle.

Look hot, but keep
the focus on me.

And when my feet hurt
at the end of the night,

give me...
- Slow your horses now.

This ain't my first rodeo.

How's about you let
me take the reins?

- Ugh, horse metaphors.

- Women love horses.

- Emmett, remember that this
should be flavorless and wet.

The salad can't taste
good or be healthy.

The meat slice should be
resting atop two green beans,

and I want it
all lukewarm. Go!

Go! Go!

- I love love!

- Hey, Amy.

Sorry your bridal
suite is a hay loft.

Is that too rustic?

It's
exactly what I wanted!

- Ah!

Oh, great.

Is that your voice?

No,
I'm just excited.

I'm marrying the person
you were supposed to marry.

Isn't that funny?

What a crazy coincidence

that we booked your barn.

I guess the universe wanted
you to watch it happen!

- Yeah.
- Thanks, universe.

- Anyway, I know things
didn't quite work out

between you and Brian. So sad.

But I just wanted
to say thank you

for getting him ready for me.

He's so wonderful now.

Isn't that so funny?

- Hey babe, you're crushing it.

I got you some snacks.

God, you're hot.

Who's this?

You must be the groom's sister.

- Bandit, this is
the bride, Amy.

- Oh right, she's
marrying her cousin?

- No, my ex.

You're silly.

And how did you two meet?

Probably online or a dumpster.

- We met, um, surfing.

- On a veranda in
the south of France

at a big rich person party.

Her perfume wafted toward me.

My pheromones wafted toward her.

And we wafted each
other all night long.

- I'm gonna help Gam
Gam sign the guestbook.

- Oh.
- Get out of here.

- Hey Petey, I hate to
put you on the spot,

but would you be
my maid of honor?

- Whoa, really? Why?

- Or matron of honor.

I don't know how old you are.

So I don't have a ton
of female friends.

No idea why.

And I want you to be next
to me when I marry Brian.

You'll be the second
most important person

at this wedding because you were

the second most
important person to him.

Does that make sense?

- Oh. Uh, I don't know.

It was
included in the package!

- Ah!

- This is my own
proprietary blend,

sure to cause gastric distress.

If I'd had a little
more time to prepare,

I'd have put it in the dressing,

but it works the same
sprinkled on top.

If I get everyone sick,
they'll need my help.

And if the people
with jobs get sick,

I'll get all the jobs.

- You can't be serious.

When I said have
some fun, I meant

do something that
brings you pleasure,

not poison a salad bar for work.

- But scheming to
me feels orgasmic.

And I should know.

I've been in plenty
of orgies, the thing

where a dozen women
focus on one man.

- Honey, you need to stop
thinking about others

and think about what you need.

When I was forced to
retire by my large company

simply for not wanting
to use the computer,

I took it hard, too,

but then, one day,
I opened my eyes,

and do you know
what I discovered?

The world is my oyster!

- Oh!

- The mixing of sand
signifies the mixing

of both of our lives.

- Oof. Ugh.

- And now, for the first time,

please welcome Mr. and Mrs...

Ah, you know their name.

Don't we all know their name?

You
are embarrassing me.

- Well, enough of that.

Let's do a couple's dance.

Specifically that couple.

- ♪ When you can't let go ♪

♪ I'm in control ♪

♪ I'm on it so ♪

- Where did you learn to dance?

- Your dad.

The first five cult scout badges

were all in ballroom dance.

- ♪ Making you so high
you won't go down ♪

Oh.

- Let's dance, dad.

- Pretend to faint.

Shut the music!

Babe, are you okay?

The most jealousy-inducing
thing a woman can do...

- Is be attended
to after fainting.

- Brian, what the F?

Why are you attending to her?

- Hey girl, everything okay?

- Don't look at me
with your perfect life

and hot boyfriend,

this business with
your best friend.

Your hair is always moving.

I'm so jealous I
could die.

- Oh!

Well, don't want that.

I know my life may look
perfect, but it's not.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I mean, I feel
out of place here.

They have all these
freaky traditions.

I swear, every
time I turn around,

they're doing something
random and insane.

- Talking sh*t
about other people

made me feel really
close to you.

You rock, Petey.

- Hey, look at you.

You came here with
no female friends,

and you're leaving with one.

- There's a pine cone!

There's another pine cone!

- Oh.

Could it be?

- No one tells me what to do.

I can put ice cubes in my wine,

wine in my coffee,

coffee up my butt!

- Oh, I love that
you can say "butt."

- That's nothing.

Let's kick this up a notch.

Come on, live a little.

Take that, computers.

- I'm yelling for me.

Butt!

- Hey, watch it, grandma.

- Buddy, I'm not a grandma.

I'm a childless aunt.

It's our world. You're
just living in it.

- Oh, the sacred
tortoise is back.

This will be fun.

I know what fun is
now because of you.

- What's that noise?

- The elders have crashed.

- We're doing the
thing from the movie.

- Vince Vaughn forever!

Vince Vaughn forever!

- Corn hole.

Oh, no.

- We have found
all the pine cones!

- And we found something better.

- ♪ The sacred tortoise ♪

- The sacred tortoise
has returned?

All: Now it's a wedding.

- You can see it.

It's the tortoise!

Shake it, shake it, shake it!

- Oh, my God.

What is this?

Eliza, fix it!

- No way.

The tortoise is back!

♪ You can feel it ♪

all: It's the tortoise!

Shake it, shake it, shake it!

- What the eff is going on?

- The sacred tortoise
has been found.

It's a symbol of peace and love
that went missing years ago.

- Eliza, what the
hell are you doing?

- I know I'm blasé
about most things,

but this is just fun.

Come on, let's dance.

- Oh my God, you were right.

These people are weird.

Like, look at her.

She's, like, so happy.

Agree with me fast or
I'll tell people back home

you are weird too.

- Yes.

Eliza, wait.

- Want some sexy punch, sexy?

- Eliza, I know I shouldn't
have laughed at you,

but why were you doing
that tortoise thing?

- Not every religious person is
the same amount of religious.

You have a Christmas tree.

Do you go to mass
on Good Friday?

No.

And I learned that

from the Lent episode
of "City."

Don't cut to it.

- Behind. I'm coming through.

- Why are they still
working and how

is there this much soup?

- We love soup.

What, is that weird too?

- Actually, New York has
several restaurants that...

- Oh, my God, stop
talking about New York.

You people think you're
the center of the universe,

but you just look sad.

You should be embarrassed
of your culture, not us.

- Eliza...
- Sorry,

I have more soup to serve.

Behind!

- Petey, there you are.

I had so much fun laughing at
those freaks with you earlier.

You're just in time for
your speech about me.

- You want me to give a speech?

It's
included in the package!

- Ah!

Whoa. Hello, everyone.

I'm Petey.

That was weird back there, huh?

But I want to ask you
all, what isn't weird?

If you think about it, even
normal weddings are weird.

Throwing rice at people's hair.

Taking off the
bride's leg underwear

and tossing it at her cousins.

- Nice.

- Eating a full
meal on your feet

and then sitting down
for another full meal.

That's weird.

And marriage is weird.

Promising the rest of
your life to someone?

That makes no sense.

But that's what traditions are.

They're doing something
that makes no sense

with the people you love
because you love them.

It makes you feel like
you're from somewhere,

like you're a part of something,

even if that means
doing a line dance

with a sacred turtle.

Tortoise.

- Thank you.

Anyway, the point is,

it's not about what you do.

It's about who you do it with.

And that's why I
want to raise a glass

to the woman of the hour.

I haven't known her that
long, but the truth is,

she's my best friend.

Eliza.
- What?

- Sure, she's a
wackadoo, but so am I.

And the only thing
better than one wackadoo

is two wackadoos.

To the bride and groom, but
mostly to this tortoise.

- This is exactly why I
don't have female friends.

- Oh, you don't bow to
the tortoise, Petey.

You have sex with it.
- Really?

No.

- Congrats, Brian.

- Thank you for
a lovely evening.

You self-centered,
manipulative little...

- Can we... can we do
this tomorrow, Bandit?

I'm tired.

And you did good today.

- Oh. Thanks.

Pleasure doing business.

Uh...
- Oh. Okay.

Yeah.

- I learned so much
from you, Aunt Maxine,

not all of it good.

A lot of it scared me.

But that's part of the fun.

I know that now.

- Don't work too hard.

- I'll never forget you.

Wow.

My first Jewish friend.
- What?

- ♪ Don't you
forget about me ♪

♪ I'll be alone dancing
and you know it, baby ♪

♪ Going to take you apart ♪

♪ I'll put us back
together at heart, baby ♪

♪ Don't you forget about me ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't ♪

♪ Don't you ♪

♪ Forget about me ♪

♪ As you walk on by ♪

♪ Will you call my name ♪

♪ As you walk on by ♪

♪ Will you call my name ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪