01x01 - We Need Cool Customers

[bunniefuu]

(BIRDS TWITTER)

And where do you think
you're going at this hour?

I'm going to my new job.

At 6am?

You can't be sneaking out
all hours of the night.

You, get a job.

I just said that
I'm going to my new job.

At this hour?
Yes, that's when the shift starts.

That shift
better be a shift at a job.

I'm going now.

(TRAM BELL DINGS)

(BELL RINGS)

Um... Hello?

Ah, Stephanie.

Welcome to the first day
of the rest of your life.

I'm Broden,
and, not to pat myself on the back,

but I'm a pretty cool effin' boss.

I'll let you check your phone whenevs
and I love high-fivin'.

Don't even think of me as a boss.

Just think of me as a cool friend

who has control over
your financial wellbeing.

Ah, Stephanie, it's me, Zach.

I'm more of
a classic professional boss.

Think of me
as a Fortune 500 CEO type,

except the C stands for 'cool'

because I also like high-fiving...

Why are you dressed like that?

Why, this is how I always dress,
Broden.

You just wear your crappy shirt,
usually.

Ha-ha! Why don't we
take this offline and circle back?

I think more of you
as the stupid boss.

You said you'd let me do this!

Alright, go.
No, it's fine.

You've ruined it anyway, man.

It's stupid anyway.

Uh... Stephanie, it's me, Mark.
Bleh.

You could probably tell by that
that I'm the goofy one around here.

And you can always find me
goofing about.

Like this! (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(LAUGHS)

(BABBLES)

(LAUGHS) I'm cra...

Wait, wait. I'm not done.

Uh... Uh... Uh...

Quack, quack, quack,
quack, quack, quack.

(LAUGHS) Quack, quack, quack.

Now, Stephanie,
this is a very unique thing,

known as a trendy,
overpriced Melbourne cafe.

Let us walk you through some of
the things that make it so special.

Firstly, this is a door.

It's kind of like a wall,
but it has hinges.

You should be writing this down.

When a customer comes in,
they'll stand by this sign.

Whatever you do, do not seat them.

Eventually, they will get bored
and approach the counter,

at which point
whoever is there will say...

Sit wherever. I do not care.

Now, if a customer
wants a takeaway coffee,

ask if they have a reusable cup.

And if they say no, look at them

like they've just personally
strangled a Galapagos tortoise.

If they say yes,

look at them like this is
the hugest inconvenience imaginable.

Like they're trying to stop you

from strangling
a Galapagos tortoise.

Why aren't you writing this down?

Now, Stephanie, let's talk merch

because apparently cafes
need friggin' merch now.

Take whatever you'd like.
We'll just dock it from your pay.

Look - Mark has milk.

People seem to be off dairy
these days.

Maybe it's too much udder
or too much teat.

So, that's why, at Morning Brown,

we specialise in
the milk of the platypus

that secretes through its skin.

(GROANS)

Teat-free.

I regret telling Mark this fact.

Mmm. Platypussy.

(GROANS)

Now, Stephanie, when you're on
the floor, you're representing us,

so, we need you to wear our apron.

Now, where's yours?

STEPHANIE: Um... I...

(LAUGHS) Just kidding. Here it is!

(LAUGHS) We'll dock that
from your pay.

And never let me
catch you without it again.

(LAUGHS)
Banter, banter, banter.

Now, when a mother and daughter
come in, you want to say...

"Gee, are you two sisters?"

Here we go.

Gee, are you two sisters?

(WOMAN LAUGHS)
Yeah, we are.

What's wrong?

I can't lie anymore.

(SNIFFS)

You're my daughter.

I had you when I was 17,

and I was young...

So, Mum's my grandma?

I'm so sorry!
I always knew! I always knew!

(CRIES)

This is the availability ledger.

Just chuck your avails in
by Wednesday at the latest,

but we're pretty chill.

If you do forget and you can't work,
you ARE gonna come in,

I don't care if your sister's your
mum or some sh*t, you ARE comin' in.

Hello.

Some people think of this

as just a job
to get a bit of spending money.

But it's not.

This is a career,

like a butter churner
or a bushranger.

So, you should think about what you
wanna do with the rest of your life.

You can piss-fart around in school
with your Englishes and your Maths

and your Soces.

Or you can be like us
and join the incredible world

of owning
your own hospitality business

in an overcrowded
and extremely volatile market.

So, did you get all that?

No.

Seriously? None of it?

No. That was too fast.

So, I'm guessing you just want me
to just serve some customers?

(SCREAMS)

(YELLS) What customers?!

Look! We hardly have any customers!

And the ones we do have
are loser nerds!

The great thing about board games

is the imagination beats
any movie's CGI.

You're a Narvi in my mind.

What the f*ck is that sh*t?!

Damn it, Broden's right!

Our clientele are sh*t-entele!

Ha!
(APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

But how do we get
cool new customers?

(YELLS) Do you know
how to get cool new customer?!

Why are you yelling at a teenager,
you weird old man?!

I'm afraid in my heart!

I'm pretty cool, but. Look at this.

Oh.
Oh.

That's pretty cool.

We don't have a HR department,
by the way, so...

SONG: # Aunty Donna! #

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

# Coffee Cafe!

# Coffee Cafe! #

VOICEOVER:

This kitchen makes
authentic Malaysian street food

served by a robot waiter.

It's called 'library'.

This crazy outdoor cafe

only has rations for food

and involves fighting the Germans
on the beaches of Normandy,

and it's so exclusive, you can't go
there unless you are in the past.

It's called an 'historical event'.

What's that?

Whoa, ay-ay-ay-ay-ay. Don't know what
that was. Probably wasn't real clean.

Well, it looks like you've got
a secret sexy-cowboy account.

Enough.

I showed you those to demonstrate
what cool cafes are doing, alright?

Now, at the moment,
we've got customers like this.

Yeah.
Big dorks.

Too much hair.

Tiniest d*ck you've ever seen.

And stinky.
Yeah.

And stinky.
Yeah, stinky.

What we want to move to is something
a little more like this, my boys.

Yeah!
Yeah!

Sexy!
Ha-ha!

Muscle boy!
Cool!

Still got a tiny d*ck,
but he's pretty cool.

BOTH: Yeah!

And we're gonna find
these cool customers

by getting a cool, trendy hook.

We already have a cool, trendy hook.

Coffee, sandwiches, a swashbuckling
attitude, fear of clocks,

his hand is a hook,
flying around with kids.

You're doing Peter Pan.
You're doing full Peter Pan there.

Oh...

What about a cafe
that uses masculine archetypes

to explore contemporary Australian
culture through an absurdist lens?

I told you, no more reading books!

Yeah. I'm sorry.
Now, listen.

Who are the coolest people we know?

BOTH: Our parents. Yeah.

And how are we gonna get parents?

BOTH: Ohh!

Ohh!

BOTH: Ohh!

Ohh!

A cheeseboard.

Oh, they love cheeseboards!
They love cheeseboards!

Yeah, they love cheeseboards and...

..and maybe a little bit of
a selection of cold meats on there.

Yeah!

"Before we have dinner,
let's have a little cheeseboard."

Uh... Reverse (BLEEP!)
Yeah.

Because if, uh...

..if (BLEEP!) gives...
..if (BLEEP!) gives kids,

then reverse would give you parents.

Now, it's just theoretical
at this point...

Mark...

..fetch me the blackboard.

OK.
Oh. Go on.

Really good, man. This is gonna
get those parents in for sure.

What if someone
took advantage of this, Mark?

How? How?

How?
How?

How?

How?
How?

How could... How?

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Can I just pay for table 12, thanks?

Wait a minute.

Are you a man who's shrunk themselves
down to kid size

in order to get a free kid's meal?

Yeah, I have, and, honestly,
it's the worst decision

I've ever made in my life.

I saw the 'kids eat free' sign

and I thought,
"That's a pretty good offer,"

and, you know, I'm pretty impulsive,

so, I just went out and I, you know,
created the machine

and $3 billion later, here I am.

A kid's meal's, like, six bucks, man.
I know.

It makes no financial sense,

but I didn't have that foresight
at the time.

I didn't get any good advice.

If I did, I wouldn't have
made this decision

and I wouldn't be stuck like this.

Can you just reverse it or...?

I mean, I thought I could,
but...but I can't.

It doesn't work like that.

I thought it would work like that,
but it doesn't.

Otherwise, I wouldn't have friggin'
made this decision, would I?

Hmm! I hate to say it...
Shut up.

OK. That was just a hiccup.

That's not a hiccup.
THIS is a hiccup.

(BELCHES)

Oh, my God.

Someone did a big spew-spew.

Well, that was horrific.

I think we should release the mice.

Why would we do that?
To attract the cats,

so we have the cats
to make the cafe a cat cafe

to get the cat-cafe customers.

(LAUGHS)
I think that was pretty obvious.

No mice or cats
or, heaven forbid, bats.

Ooh.

We need to do something that's
authentic to us and this place.

Well, what are you suggesting?

Well, do you remember
when we first came in here

with our landlord, Sally-Anne?

(WASPS BUZZ)
Fun fact -

this factory
is built on the largest wasp nest

in the Southern Hemisphere.

They're in the walls, in the roof,
in the wasp room, everywhere.

And if we were to come in here,
you would get rid of the wasps?

No, I can't.

The wasps are Heritage Listed.

They cannot be evicted.

But...

..I can offer you this free hat.

Oh.

I'm convinced.

I think this is gonna be
the perfect place

to open our academy of dramatic art.

Hold that thought, Zach.

Instead of turning this place
into NIDA 2, better than NIDA,

what if we turn this place

into a cafe?!

We get rid of the wasps.

Find their queen. Eat the queen.

Tables, chairs.

Clean this coffee machine
that's already here for some reason.

What I'm saying
is could it be wasp-based?

Yes. Like a wasp-flavoured coffee.

Or how about
wasps and avocado on toast?

Or, better yet,
we strip down, willies out,

we paint our bodies
black and yellow, like wasps,

and then we buzz around the cafe.

Bzzz-bzzz, a-buzz, bzzz, a-bzzz.

Hanging over sugary cans of drinks.

Buzz, bzzz.

And all of my ideas
are terrible today.

Yeah.
And I'm gonna stop.

I'm gonna stop talking.

No more wasp stuff. It's a stupid
idea. We're overthinking this.

You're right. There's no need
to reinvent the wheel.

(GASPS)

My life's work!

Ah, heightened characters.

It's a great tone for the show.

Earlier today, I was going through
the latest glossy mags,

and I found some hot goss
on Beck and Leighton Hewitt

but also a list of
fun hospitality ideas

that I thought
we might be able to try.

But how will we know
if they're cool or not?

I mean, I remember a time when we
used to think our parents were cool.

Who are the coolest people we know?

BOTH: Our parents.

Oh...
Can you imagine?!

(LAUGHS)
Can you imagine? Can you imagine?

Ah. Well, that's why I've enlisted
the help of Cool Zeke, my cousin.

He's kind of an authority
on everything that's cool.

Sup, Zach and Zach's nerd friends?

I'm Cool Zeke.

That's the coolest guy
I've ever seen.

(BEAT-BOXES BADLY)

He'll be able to tell us
whether our ideas are cool or not.

Radical.
(LAUGHS)

(BEAT-BOXES)

Bah-bah-bah, bah-bah-bah,
blah, blah, blah.

(BEAT-BOXES BADLY)

Oh, yeah, ba...baby!

Beginning Operation Robot Waiter.

Launch me, Zach.

Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-h.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

What do you reckon, Bro-bot?

Don't ask me.
You should be asking Cool Zeke.

(BUZZER)

The next one says 'axe throwing'.

Hello! Welcome
to Morning Brown axe throwing!

We will help you...
(YELLS INDISTINCTLY)

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(BUZZER)

(SIGHS)

(SINGS) # One of us
has a vibrator in our bottoms

# Oh, which one of us could it be?

# Yeah!

# One of us
has a vibrator in our bottom

# Oh, do you think
that it could be me?! #

Ha-ha!

(BUZZING)

(GROANS)

(BUZZING)

(GRUNTS)

BOTH: # Well, is it Broden?
# I don't know, maybe

# Or is it Mark?
# I don't know, could be

# Or is it Zach? #

(BUZZING)

(BREATHES SHAKILY)

(BUZZING)

Can you turn it off with the remote?

Just get the remote.
There's a remote in the...

Where's the remote? We've lost it.
We've lost the remote.

(QUIETLY) We lost the remote.

(ZACH BABBLES ANXIOUSLY)

(BUZZER)

Nah.

Nah.
No good.

Ohh...

So, no idea so far...
(SQUEAKING)

..has worked in any way.

You didn't think the
vibrator-up-the-bottom song worked?

No. Did YOU like it?

I liked it,
but I don't think it worked.

Yeah, you loved it.
I loved it.

It hit my P spot.
(SQUEAKING)

Next time...
Oi. You been releasing mice?

Yeah.

Wha... What? You said it was OK.

You both said it was OK.
No, we didn't.

I remember you saying some sh*t
earlier today, but I couldn't...

I think, sometimes,
you're just hard to understand.

Hey, guys,
in case this doesn't work out,

do you guys mind
if I release the mice now?

I can't understand
his thick Italian accent.

Something about pizza.

Ye... Yea...
BOTH: Yes.

I can tell you're mad at me,
but I still love you

even though you can be very rude.

No, thanks. I'm full of chinotto.

What...? I...

Rude.

(SQUEAKING)

That's the look! Remember where
we went for Broden's birthday party?

(LAUGHS)

OK.

Which one of you losers
is the birthday boy?

(LAUGHS)

I am.
That's so rude.

Here's your cake.

Loser!

(ALL LAUGH)

Is she supposed to be that rude?

BOTH: Yeah, it's part of it.
That's so great.

What's wrong, Broden?
I'm nervous.

What if I forget my lines?
What if I'm not rude enough? What if?

Hey, man, you've got nothing
to worry about.

Zach and I are here to back you up.
You've got this!

(HUMS)

I love this cafe, Grandpa.

They're not perfect,
but they have good hearts.

Um... Here's your sandwich,
your dingus.

Pardon?

And your coffee, you double dingus.

I'm sorry...
You triple dingus.

Are you OK?

You (BLEEP!)-head.

Oh.

Um...

You nice-head.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

I have a g*n.
Oh, my God.

I have a knife.

Oh. Well...

I have a butter knife.

But I've sharpened it
to a deadly point!

Then I threw it away!

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

But then I got it back.

And then I threw it away again!

And then... And then...

OK. Um...

Alright. So, there's a man walking.

Maybe he's going to the airport.

OK. Putting his baggage down and...

"Oh, can you look after my bags?"
he says.

And then the other guy sneaks around.
He's gonna take them bags.

He's gonna put in there...

He's got to put on that man's pants.

Uh-oh, he's been caught!

"You're wearing my pants!" he says.

And then the other guy's like,
"Oopsie-poopsie!

"They're your pantsy-wantsies!"

And then he danced around and there
was lots of farcical elements to it.

And then, oh, no, he stabbed him
to (BLEEP!) death!

Just stabbed
the (BLEEP!) sh*t out of him!

(BLEEP!) blood and sh*t everywhere!

And then he took his body,
took his pants off,

put the pants back on, and he said,

"No-one will ever (BLEEP!) with me
again and my pants."

Then he came back in some
sort of god form, the pants-stealer,

now transcended,

and he used his electric lightning
bolts to take the pants back.

Ah, he had the pants
and he ate the pants for power.

And then he ate them.
And then he (BLEEP!) the pants out.

He (BLEEP!) the pants out
and it hurt.

The man put the pants back on.

And then he had blood in his stool.

He had very bloody stool.

So, the god-pant-stealer
went to a doctor

and he said,
"I've got blood in my (BLEEP!)"

He goes, "OK, so, I'm just
gonna send you for some tests.

"Obviously that could be...
it could be cancer."

And then they got results. He's like,
"OK, yeah. I went and got the..."

They went and got the X-rays,
and said, "OK, so...

"So, it looks like
the pants that you ate

"did nothing and everything's OK!"

And then they
threw the knife away again!

I'm just gonna have my sandwich,
if that's OK.

Thank you so much.

A little play, so...

(CRUNCH!)
(YELPS)

(SINGS) # Oh, no... #

(SIREN WAILS)
Bye-bye.

Ta-da.

See you later.
Bye.

Hooroo.
Alright.

Let's check with Cool Zeke.

Rude?

More like...

ALL: Yes!
Great!

Rude it is!
Agreed.

Rude diner from now on.
Rude diner.

Yes.
Hey.

Who are you?

I'm Stephanie.

I'm doing a shift here.

You literally gave me a tour
of the cafe before.

That's news to me, OK?

Broden, sorry,
who are you talking to, mate?

Apparently Stephanie.

Hi. Hi.

Can we make sure you're in an apron
if you're on the floor?

Isn't this an apron?
Yes, it is.

Good job.

Anyway, um...

..the mice are kind of eating all
your muffins and your sandwiches.

Oh, good stuff, Mark, you dickhead!

Hey! The mice were only here
to attract the cats,

and they did a pretty good job
of that.

Yeah, just one off-putting cat.

Uh-oh.

(GAGS)

The cat looks too much like
a nude man for my comfort.

I think I like it.
I do,

for it reminds me of Ta-Miu,

companion
to the Egyptian King Thutmose,

buried alongside him
in his sarcophagus.

I'm poly.

Yeah. I don't like the cat either.

You're right. I don't like the cat.
Let's get rid of it.

Let's get rid of the mice too.

They're ruining
the rude-diner theme.

Don't worry about the mice.
I know a guy.

Who can get rid of them.

And who is that?

SONG: # The Pied Piper
plays his pipe

# To lead the mice from the cafe

# The Pied Piper pipes and pipes

# His pipe in the morning

# Morning comes
and he plays his pipe

# For he is the Pied Piper

# Piedy, Piedy, Piedy

# Ready to lead the mice
in the morning. #

Well, thank God it's working.

How much is this gonna cost us?

Pfft. Don't worry about it.

What do you mean?

I got this covered.

You are gonna pay him, yeah?

Oh, God, Zach.

I cannot believe I have to say this.

You don't know the old saying?

Never pay the Pied Piper.

Ever?
Never, ever.

Are... Are you sure?

He's right,
you never pay the Pied Piper.

Not a cent.
It's bad luck or some bullshit.

I don't know,
that doesn't sound right.

I... I reckon you should pay him.

Let me handle it. Alright?
I've got this.

Pied Piper, very good.
Thanks for that.

That's really lovely.

Thanks a lot. Thanks.
That was great.

It seems to be going well.
Yeah.

Anyway, well,
just hook me up and I'll bounce.

Uh... Sure. Did you want a coffee
or something like that?

Nah, just the money and I'll go.

Whoa! (SCOFFS) Come on.
You're not gonna charge me, are ya?

(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, man.

Alright. Well, would've appreciated
a heads-up.

I sent you my rates in an email.

What email? I didn't get any email.

I know when people get my emails.

I have the Chrome extension.
I know you've opened it.

Hey, you should be happy for the
exposure that this has given you.

OK?
Oh, please!

If you're gonna be a dickhead,
give me the heads-up.

It seems to be going badly now.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, we're trying
to run a business here!

And I'm not?
Oh, oh, this is a business?

Legitimate. Legitimate.
Oh, this is a business, is it?

(BOTH ARGUE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Dirtiest place
I've ever seen in my f*cking life.

Excuse me?
Skanky, skanky sh*t.

Skanky? Skanky?!
Skanky.

Get the f*ck out...

f*ck off!
..of my f*cking establishment!

Son of a b*tch!

f*cking hell!

Seemed to go pretty well.

I don't know, he se...seemed
pretty upset to me, man.

Ah, what's he gonna do?!

SONG: # Pied Piper's pissed off

# You've pissed off the Pied Piper
(KIDS SCREAM)

# You have pissed him off
Now he's come to get ya. #

(KIDS SCREAM)
Always pay...

(SINGS) # The Pied! #

Piper.

(KIDS SCREAM)
Pfft! This is it?

There's, like, four kids.

Four hungry kids.

Yeah, so?

(KIDS SCREAM)

These nice men will feed you
whatever you want, kiddies.

Adios.

Au revoir. Arrivederci.

Yo, all, look you mob later.

Or maybe I won't.

(KIDS SCREAM)

Oh, my God.
We legally have to feed them.

It's on the sign!
Just wipe it off!

I can't be bothered!
Ohh!

The mice have eaten all the food!
We have no food!

(KIDS SCREAM)

Not ALL the food.

Cat soup for the children.

Cat soup will fix all problems?

(KIDS SCREAM)

Yes.

(KIDS SCREAM)

OK.

Cat soup.

Cat soup.
Yes. Cat soup.

Yeah. Yes, cat s...

No!

What are we doing?

Cat SOUP?!

We're boiling cats in water now?!

This is a cafe!

We should be boiling them in coffee.

You're right.
No!

Mark's right.

What ARE we doing?

We should wash the cat
before we boil it.

Food safety is no joke.

You're right.

No, what are we doing?!

Cat soup will only go so far.

We must feed the cat soup
to the children

in order to make children soup.

And then the children
will all be gone.

And we'll have all the soup.

(WHOOSH!)

Wasps.

(WASPS BUZZ)

Wasps!
Wasps!

Waps!
Wasps!

Waps!

Sorry.
It's alright.

WASPS. Wasps.

ALL: Wasps! Wasps! Wasps!

Life's amazing! So, go out there,
get... Go out there...

No way this guy isn't adding.

VOICEOVER:
So, there's this cafe in Melbourne

that's literally filled
with angry, aggressive wasps.

(WASPS BUZZ)
(KIDS SCREAM)

It's got a cursed cat, screaming
children with deadly axes

and the staff are so rude,
they won't even take your order.

Get out of here, arseholes!

This cafe has too many hooks.

Morning Brown
is clearly a meta comment

on how it seems like every cafe
has to have a hook these days.

Stop swatting the wasps!

They're Heritage Listed!

Protect the delicious queen!

It's so cool.

(SCREAMS)

You know,
spending all this time cleaning

has given me the space
to reflect on who we are

and what makes this cafe special.

Sure, our customers
might be fedora-wearing nerds...

Au contraire.

While the fedora was considered
passe in the mid-2000s,

it is now an item of style.

..I do think there might be
a lesson in this.

This whole time, we've been trying
to find out what was cool.

But what if the coolest thing...?

Hey, can you do that sh*t
in the kitchen?

Yeah.

(MUFFLED) I used to think being cool

was being a rock star
or a billionaire...

I don't want to learn.
Me neither.

Let's just not do hooks.
Agreed.

So, did I get the job?

Ah, Stephanie, welcome to the
first day of the rest of your life.

You already did this bit
earlier today.

Has this all been one day?

Apparently.

I could have sworn
it was at least a week.

Yeah. You got the job. I'll send you
your roster on Thursday.

Sick.

Before you go, enjoy the perks
of working at a cafe

and take home
this free bag of wasps.

(BUZZING)

You guys are f*cked.

We ARE f*cked.

Heh. Cool.

(CHUCKLES)

What up, Cool Zeke?

Oh, hey, Cool Brenda!

What up?

NM. U?

Just being cool.

Oh!
Oh!

Hey, let's go skateboardin' time.

ALL: Skateboard!

Take some weight.
Skateboard.

I wonder what our loser cousins
are doing right now.

# Having a cool time
Cool rapping is sublime. #

# Aussie! I say Aussie! #

I'm Cool Meat.

Nothing cooler than a scab.

I'm cool.
Let's try doing some cool tricks.

Surf's up.

Have you seen the crowd, bro?
Yeah.

Pose.