02x07 - Ty's Man Woman Table Chairs Food

[bunniefuu]

Tyrannis:
Hey. Thanks again for the hogs.

We go through them so fast,

and you never have a hog
when you need one.

Asskill:
Well, I'm happy to help out.

If I've got a spare hog
lying around, it's yours.

Tyrannis: Oh, and, um, also,
thank you for not eating me.

I don't say that enough.

Oh, come on!
I'd never eat you.

-You're all bone.
-I appreciate that.

Ooh! Caravan!

We don't get many
travelers through here,

and we certainly don't get
many pretty lady travelers.

[Horse neighs]

Hello there.
Welcome to the area,

or as I like to call it...
the area.

I'm sorry. I thought something
would come to me.

Anyway, what brings you h-here?

I'm Sophie, these are my guys.
We're mapmakers.

Map...makers.

Have you not heard of maps?
They're the next big thing.

They help you find
where you're going.

Like, if you needed to
get from here to Thebes,

how would you do that?

Well, I'd ask our finder.
We have this guy Casey.

His whole job is just
knowing how to get places.

He's not that great, though,

unless you're looking
for a brothel.

Oh, we have a great
finder--Loretta.

Every city has a finder.

Well, every city's finder
is about to k*ll themselves

because this is a map.

See? It shows mountains,
rivers, paths,

and of course
all the important cities.

And there we are.
We're an important city!

I'm an important king!
Oh, shame.

Looks like Killassas
didn't make it this time.

I understand,
but they've come so far.

-Oh, Killassas is on there.
-That's not Krapopolis?

No. Krapopolis isn't on the map.

And Killassas is?!
It's barely a city!

No offense.

Hey. I'm selling these things.
To get on the map,

a city has to have something
a traveler's gonna care about.

We're a democracy!

They're a city of cannibals!

Again, no offense.

It's the "no offense"
that's starting to bug me.

City of cannibals is
exactly the kind of thing

a traveler wants on the map
so they can steer clear.

What about your city is
as useful to know

as "They eat people here"?

We have a very nice place
to poo.

Everywhere has
a nice place to poo.

Do you have a restaurant?

-We could.
-Tell you what.

We're coming back around
in a few days.

If you've got a decent
restaurant by then,

I'll put you on the map.

-Restaurant.
-Hey. could you take

our city off the map?

-Travelers are 60% of our diet.
-Oh, I don't know.

Travelers really
should be warned about--

please remove us,
or we'll eat you.

Will do!

Singers: ♪ Huh huh huh huh

♪ Huh huh huh whoo

It's called a map,

and it shows
where everything is.

Casey's gonna k*ll himself.

That's the least
of our problems.

I didn't mean that, Casey.
We'll find you another job.

Casey: Ohh.

Why is it the least
of our problems?

Because it shows
every significant city

in the modern world

with the notable
exception of mine.

You mean ours.

Deliria: I don't think mortals
should know

where things are.

It's more fun
to watch them wander.

The cities who don't get on
this thing are

going to be left in the dust.

I have to be on it!

-We.
-Look Kissuria's a city

you can't even get to,
and it's on the map.

Wait, that's
where Kissuria is?

Past the Ice Mountains
of Death all the way

on the other side
of the Uncrossable Chasm?

I always thought
it was reachable.

Well, now you know it's not,

but what you don't know,
looking at this map,

is that my city exists.

-Our city.
-And that's why we're

opening a restaurant.

Deliria: A restaurant?

The thing where humans
go to eat

as if they're worth
serving food to?

I wouldn't be caught dead
in a restaurant.

Shlub: I've been caught
dead in several.

Tyrannis: Well, we need
a restaurant to get on the map,

and Hippo's gonna be our chef.

Hippocampus: Me?!
I'm not cooking for people!

Oh, I forgot. You only care
about yourself.

Correct.

Why did I think
that would work?

Come on!
For once in your life,

do something for the good
of the city.

Oh. The city you can't stop
calling your city?

What is there, some girl,

some girl you're
trying to impress?

If you're not
going to cook simply

to make other people happy,

how about I appeal to your ego?

What if someone could be
the best at cooking?

Well, obviously, it would be me.

-Prove it.
-I will!

And I know you just played me,

but well played
because I am completely in.

Guess we've got
ourselves a restaurant.

I guess we have.

[Cheering]

Stupendous:
What the hell is this?

Spike, what is this?

Spike: They saw the damn map.

They're celebrating because
those baby-eating b*stards

from Kissuria can't invade us.

End of an era, huh?

All my life, I've been
preparing to be invaded

by the Kissurians.

I was raised on stories
about those animals,

how they eat babies,
how they chop off your fingers

one by one and feed them
to your baby

and then still eat the baby.

Don't forget the butt sewing.

The most twisted, vile
b*ttlefield t*rture

ever conceived--
sewing your butt closed

and then force feeding you
till you explode?

Hey, guys! We don't need
our butt guards anymore.

Throw them on the fire!

[Cheering]

Stupendous:
Look at them, goofing around,

not a care in the world.

I can't let that happen to me.

I am keeping this butt guard
and these finger holders

until I have properly
k*lled those Kissurian b*stards

on a field of battle!

Spike: Hell, yeah! I'm in!

Let's go kick some a*s!

Hello, and welcome to Ty's Man
Woman Table Chairs Food.

Catchy name.

Have you eaten
in a restaurant before?

We've never eaten
indoors before.

Well, you're in for a treat.

Let me tell you how it works.

You order food, we cook it.

It's really that simple.

-Do we have to k*ll it?
-Nope.

-Gut it?
-Nope.

Skin it, bleed it,
make it into chunks?

Nope! We do all that for you.

Should be called
Ty's k*ll Gut Skin Bleed

Man Woman Table Chairs
Food Chunks Eat.

We will certainly take
a look at that.

So I can order anything?

No. I should have
been more specific.

You can order any amount
of one thing,

and that thing is chicken,

and the amount
can't be too much.

Great. We'll have one.

Hippo, we've got our
first customers,

and they will have
one delicious chicken.

Chicken is child's play.
Every cook can make chicken.

I'm making octopus.

Octopus?
Humans don't eat octopus.

You should. All they talk
about is eating you.

OK. Noted.

Seriously,
they have 17 different words

for human meat.

They're crossbreeding
themselves to become giant.

Point taken,
but this is just supposed to be

a simple,
functioning restaurant.

Wrong! It's a test of my genius.

I tenderized this thing
precisely

for the best mouthfeel.

I seared it the perfect
amount for caramelizing,

and here--lemon juice.

Enhances the flavor.

This is scientifically
delicious.

Taste.

Oh! Oh, Hippo.
You're a genius.

I just said that.

What is that thing your eyes
are doing?

Showing pleasure?

Yeah, but why does
it feel good to me?

Because there's a simple
joy in making people happy?

That can't be it.
Wait a minute.

The satisfaction of the eater
is how I can measure

my greatness!

You think the people out there
will make the same face?

Mmm! Oh, my God.

Mmm!

Feels good, right?

Feels great! Let's go, people.

Fire up the grill!

I got an idea
for a new oyster dish!

Do they hate humans, too?

Hmm. Let me think.

Do you steal their jewelry?

All right! Let's start shucking!

Hi. Welcome to Ty's Man Woman

Table Chairs Food.

Man: The branding is all wrong,
but the food.

Woman: He does a thing
with octopus.

Trust me.

You need to
put octopus on the sign.

Tyrannis: Can I be in charge
of the name, please?

Wait. They k*ll it
and gut it, too?

Yeah. The sign is
very misleading.

Hippocampus: More turmeric.

Getting there.

Start over!

Chef, I made this chicken.

Be honest. What do you think?

What is it? Boiled?

And you didn't even pluck it!

Casey, you're fired.

Please. I can't lose
another job.

Then stay,
but don't touch anything.

Tyrannis: Hello, hello, hello.

Great business out there.

How's it going back here?

Ty, I'm crushing this.

It's like with science

I make something,
and it's done,

but with food, what I'm
making is deliciousness,

and there's no
upper limit to that,

or if there is,
I intend to find it.

That's why we do it!

So anyway, table 8 would like
the octopus dish

-from yesterday.
-No, no, no.

The octopus dish from yesterday
won't enthrall them

like it did yesterday.

I'm sure they'll be fine
with it.

I just told you
I'm not working for fine.

I'm working for better
than anything,

and better than anything
keeps getting redefined

every time I cook.

I worry that redefining
greatness is getting away

from the original mission.

We only need a functioning
restaurant

-to get on the map.
-Tut, tut, tut.

Mmm!

They will get their food,
they will make the face,

I will be the best,
you will be happy.

OK. Just don't take too long
to cook the food.

These people will eat worms.

And if they do, they will
be the greatest,

most exquisitely prepared worms
anyone has ever tasted.

I don't doubt that.

Bard: ♪ And Deliria's a*s
is the finest a*s ♪

♪ That the world has ever seen

♪ You could bounce a coin
off a perfect little tushy ♪

Darling, have you heard?
Hippo is quite the chef.

The line at the restaurant
reaches all around the block.

In other news,
we have blocks now.

Interesting,
but I already said

I had no interest.

I'm on record.

♪ She already said she could
not care less ♪

♪ But now she's curious
about it ♪

[Screech]

Ow! Why a cat?!
You know I'm allergic.

This is over the top!

There has to be a give and take.

Haven't I earned that?

Now I'm all the way outside,

and both of my hands
are cats? Why?!

[Cats yowling]

What if we went
to the restaurant

but not as ourselves?

Shlub: I'm always up
for some roleplay.

Ooh. look at us.

[Exaggerated voice]
I'm Cato, a potter.

[Exaggerated voice]
And I'm Dolores, a milkmaid.

And we're not married

Ooh. We're playing
with fire, aren't we?

Ooh! If my husband
were to find out.

Would he fly
into a violent rage?

We're gonna have to
try less sexy disguises,

or we'll never make it
to the restaurant.

[Grunting]

Aah!

Unh!

Aah! Oof!

[Both grunt]

[Spike groans]

Stupendous: No!

[Grunting]

Huh?

This is the Uncrossable Chasm?

It's way more uncrossable
than I thought.

Damn it!

Man: Damn it!

Wait. Are you an echo
or a person?

Man: Wait. Are you
an echo or a person?

No, wait. You go first.

Man: No, I want to go first.

That's what I--hey!

I am Babak
of the Kissurian people.

I am Stupendous of Krapopolis.

-We got maps.
-So did we.

I came here to kick your a*s!

Same. I had hoped
the Uncrossable Chasm

was a hyperbolic nickname.

Me, too.
Like the Bottomless Lake.

No, I have been there.
That thing is bottomless.

Huh. Well, I'm not leaving
without kicking your a*s.

Ohh--

-We should build a bridge.
-Agreed,

and this is not gonna be
one of those things

where we realize
we work better together.

Absolutely not.

Once the bridge is built,
you die.

Tyrannis: Oh, wow!
The joint is jumping.

Welcome to Ty's Man Woman
Table Chairs

Different Types of Food.

There's just a bit of a wait.

Should be called Ty's Man Woman
Wait Table Chairs Diff--

Can I be in charge
of the name, please?

Fine.
Oh, there's some lady

back there who says
she's a mapmaker.

She's here? Sophie,
welcome to my restaurant.

Is it even a restaurant?
So far, it's just a line.

It's a restaurant!

We're just working out
a few kinks.

You're gonna love it, though.

I'll be the judge
of that, though.

♪ Love our playful banter

Just want food.

[Grunting]

-Aah!
-Arrr!

I will remove your head
and parade it around my city!

I'll put your corpse on a pole

and use strings to move
your arms and mouth

and make it seem like
you're saying bad things.

Like what?

Like "Hi. I'm Babak,
and I eat babies."

[Grunting]

Why would I eat babies?

You Krapopolites
are the baby eaters.

That's a lie!
We fight with honor.

I love that sword!

-[Screaming]
-[Grunting]

You're the ones who sew people's
butts closed like cowards.

We did that one or two times
as a joke.

Meanwhile, you people do
nothing but suck out

your enemies' eyeballs
and feed them to your babies.

Stupendous: I strongly
reprimanded the soldier

-who did that.
-Aah!

-Wait, wait.
-What?

You want to kiss me
before I k*ll you?

That ain't happening.

No. Why would I want
to kiss you?

It happens more often
than you think.

Sometimes, signals get
crossed in the brain.

No. I--I can see that.

No. The reason I said wait is

does anyone know you're here?

-No.
-Look.

You're gonna k*ll me,
which is fine.

I accept that.

Then I fall
into the Uncrossable Chasm,

so I die down there,
but I got your leg pretty good.

You won't make it back
across those mountains.

You die on an ice shelf
somewhere,

and then what are we?

A couple of dead fools who
died in a place

no one's ever gonna go to.

Frigging maps. Get up here!

It was gonna be so cool
watching you

fall all that way.

I would have screamed
all the way down for you.

Aaaaaaaaah!

[Trailing off]

Don't rub it in.

We can do this.

We just have to come
up with the most

unsexy personas imaginable.

Let's try this.

[Exaggerated voice]
I'm Sol, a plain old man.

I'm married to my job,
which is counting beans.

[Exaggerated voice]
And I'm Helen.

I have severe body odor
and a stump for a leg.

[Normal voice]
How big of a stump?

[Exaggerated voice] Why don't
you find out, Mr. Bean Counter?

[Moaning]

[Exaggerated voice] I'm
an absolute douchebag

named Money Man
with disgustingly long toenails.

[Normal voice]
Ohh! My top 3 weaknesses.

[Moaning]

-I'm a jellyfish.
-I'm dead.

How dead? No wrong answers.

[Moaning]

Well, I'm beginning to
think that we may

never taste Hippo's food.

Oh, roleplay is
simply too stimulating.

I may just have to swallow
my pride and go as myself.

Bard: ♪ She's swallowing
her pride because ♪

♪ The roleplay was too sexy

Who said you could watch,
not sing.

Hippo, she's here, the map lady.

We need to get moving. Hippo?

He's been like this for an hour.

Brother, brother,
what's going on here?

I'm just trying to
figure out a bay leaf.

Hippo, no. Bay leaves are
already figured out.

They're leaves of bay.

Chef, table 6 is still
waiting on the salmon.

-Is it ready?
-Is it ready?

Let's find out.

No. It's Average.

Average is good,
and good is t*rture.

Then t*rture yourself!

Fine. Casey,
get the salmon out

of the garbage and serve it up.

Is it OK if there's
a couple bites missing?

Hello again,
and welcome to Ty's, just Ty's.

Your server then explains
the concept

once you've sat down.

-I like the name.
-You're the first one.

Look at that.
Even gods eat here.

Tell me, son, is this one
of those places

with peanut shells on the floor?

It could be.
Excellent because

on the floor in my scat
are peanut shells.

I could come back.

It seems like you're still
working out the kinks.

No, no, no. Don't leave.

I'll seat you in just a second.

Mum, Dad, do not turn this
into a place

where people don't want to eat.

Hippocampus: Why not?
Couldn't get any worse.

He's got me cooking
crap chickens for crap people.

I thought you were cooking food
worthy of a god.

I was getting there,
but he stopped me.

Screw him. Make me something
that would blow my mind.

I will!

Can I just have
a piece of chicken?

I'm so hungry.
I skipped breakfast.

No. No one eats until
I have pleased this customer.

Tyrannis: Mother, can I ask you
the biggest of favors?

Could you just quickly tell
Hippo that he's

blown your mind,
and be sure to

roll your eyes back
in your head.

He likes that.

If he blows my mind,
I'll let him know.

[Sizzling]

Hmm. Interesting.

Not the best thing you ever had?

Of course not.

[Hippocampus sighs]

[Sizzling]

It's good for humans or dogs.

I can't remember
who eats better.

Hmm. Pleasant.

Pleasant is the baseline!

Hippo, the map lady,
she's gonna leave.

Sophie: Thinking about it.

It's...quite good
for what it is.

Hippo, take the win.

I can't. I can't do it!

I'm a fraud!
I'm an absolute fraud!

Why did I ever think I could be
the best at cooking?

-Mmm!
-Mmm!

Ha ha ha!

Everyone, out!

A delight from start to finish!
We'll dine again!

I said out! Get out!

Rah!

[People shouting]

I think I've seen
what I need to see.

Hippocampus: Aah!

Tyrannis:
Thank you for dining at Ty's

Walk In Sit Down
Don't Eat Run Away.

I hate the mapped world.

It used to be you'd go off on
an adventure.

You wouldn't know what
you'd find

or who you'd have to k*ll.

Yeah, used to be anyone
could show up

at your doorstep, anyone?

My whole army was driven
by the possibility

of your invasion.

-Us, too.
-That's why I came here.

What I really wanted
to fight was that map,

but I guess the map won.

Wait, but now the map is wrong.

This is supposed to be
the Uncrossable Chasm,

but now it's covered

by the Dangerous
but Doable Bridge.

You go home and tell your people
that map is wrong.

Tell them we're coming,

and our babies are hungry
for eyeballs.

-Ha ha ha!
-Ha ha ha!

[Babak grunts]

Wait. You think we have
enough battle scars?

It's got to be realistic.

Oh, right. You want to just
take this eyeball?

-Sure.
-You want to sew my butt shut?

I'd like that.
I'd like that very much.

[Sobbing]

-You did this to me.
-I did?

You let me believe that cooking

could be
scientifically measurable.

That's because I couldn't
get you to just cook

for the sheer pleasure
of doing something

for someone else.

Altruism? There's no such thing.

Helping other people
is always self-serving.

I built this city
for other people,

and I wanted a restaurant
for the good of the people.

Oh, a restaurant called Ty's,
where I did all the work?

Branding was important!

You didn't build
this city to help people, Ty.

You built it to be the guy
who helped people.

The city was my p*nis,
wasn't it?

-What?!
-No.

I was just saying
it's an extension of my ego.

Then say that.

Well, forgive me
for being poetic.

Casey: Hey, guys.
What's so wrong

about helping people
for the sake of your own ego?

-Huh?
-I mean, you made a city

to get kudos,
and you cooked

for the good eye rolls,

but either way,
you guys gave me a job,

and I was on the verge
of ending it all in a brothel.

I'm just saying good
did come out of this,

whether or not
it's why you did it.

How do you like the sound

of Casey's Man Woman Eat Chicken
Table?

Thanks for coming back.
So was that the best

whole, boiled, unplucked chicken

-you've ever had?
-First and hopefully last.

So good enough to put
us on the map?

Yeah. I'll make a note
that Krapopolis has

a restaurant you should
definitely avoid...

-Oh.
-but a king

who tries real hard.

I'll take the win.
Mum, Dad, no!

My name is Sam the Jellyfish.

And I'm Jessica,
and I'm dead.

[Speaking Octopus]

Dan Harmon: Did you get
any of that?

Voice: Bento!
[Cheering]