31x06 - How Not to Cry at Weddings

[bunniefuu]

Oh, you're out early.

Hairdresser's. She was booked up.

The only slot she could fit me in.

Come on, then, let's have a look.

You have to wait till I'm in
full w*r paint and battle gear.

Sounds dangerous.
Should I be nervous?

You're safe enough here.

For the moment, anyway.

Ask me later, when I've got
some bubbly under me belt.

CROCKERY RATTLES

And then, about mid-day,
I want to call home
and pick up my best uniform.

What for?

The wedding.

We've not been invited.
We're only handling traffic.

I don't care.

I'm not going all creased up.

It's m*rder on a uniform,
sitting in these cars.

Should have brought
your ironing board[!]

Then there'd be no room in't boot
for the barbecue and grill.

Does it smell of mothballs?

I could smell it down the street.

You didn't say anything.

I thought it was me.

Phew.

This is one I did while
recovering from the stress
of an operation in Albania.

You had an operation in Albania?

It wasn't the appendix.

I was trying to locate
their secret moustache factory.

You've seen the size
of their moustaches.

You didn't think
they were real, did you?

Ohh.

You're not in the mood
for embroidery - I can tell.

I'm getting the feeling
that needlework is wasted on you.

What am I going to wear?

For needlework?

I've never felt it was a problem.

For the wedding.

Ah, the wedding.

You're going to wear your best suit.

It's at home.

Pearl won't let me in.

I'll clear the way for you.

You've been saying that all week,

promising to get me back home.

And today's the day.

She'll let you in
to change your suit.

Once you're in,
you turn on the charm.

Let her see how much
she's been missing.

No scrub that bit.

Let her see how much
you've been missing HER.

Look lost. You're a tragic figure.

Go for the sympathy bit.

We tried that.

Ah, but today,
she's going to a wedding. Heh?

She'll already be all emotional.

They're like that about weddings.

And I must admit...

..I'm the same.

Collars and cuffs, Morton.

She'll be there at the wedding.

My own little bride that was,

the evil little conniving...

Love her dearly, of course.

And I do mean DEARLY.

She took me for the lot.

So did mine. The only thing
she left were the wedding photos.

We're birds of a feather, Morton.

Victims in life's harsh lottery.

Admittedly I'm in a higher
socio-economic group,

but still, I sense
a comradeship between us.

Although don't go noising it about.

I won't say a word.

Very wise. I'd only deny it.

Nobody listens to me, anyway.

What?

You see!

Watch the collar! Watch the collar!

It's a day for looking one's best.

I'll show my ex what she's
in danger of losing entirely,

if she's not careful.

Mine won't be there.

I'm supposed to be
going with a Moira.

Glenda arranged it.

You'll be all right.
I'll guide you through.

Unless of course she's hideous -
in which case, you're on your own.

You can manage hideous.

Go. Get in there, right?

You've got the perfect excuse.

You need your best suit.

Maybe I ought to phone first.

ALL: Go!

Remember, sympathy.

You're a tragic figure.

There's nobody in.

You didn't even knock.
How do you know?

When you've been married
all those years, you just KNOW.

[You see.]

You read tea leaves as well[?]

It's just an instinct
for knowing where your wife is.

And boy, have you needed it!

Give her a smile and a wave.

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

Looks like that wave was goodbye.

Come in, Morton.

Make yourself comfy.

Relax and sit down.

SIT DOWN, Morton!

You thought it was just
an invitation, didn't you?

And you!

If it's about your friend...

After today, she's going
to be YOUR friend, Morton.

She means it.
It's like her "sit down".

You might as well get used to it.

You'll like Moira.

Again, not optional.

Go and put the kettle on, Barry.

Why don't I put the kettle on?

I could... Sit!

Barry!

Now, Morton...

Have you paid Pearl a compliment
lately? Yes.

Such as?

Well...

She knows I think
she makes good gravy.

Ah!

You're a little smoothie
with the ladies.

Man with golden tongue.

Why do you think she's
wearing a headscarf?

She's had her hair done.

So there's your opportunity.

You go home, you knock on the door,

she opens up, you say, "Ahh!"

You take a step backwards

and you say, "Why, Pearl,

"your hair looks stunning."

Doesn't sound like me.

Not the old you.
She threw that one out.

You need a new you.

And a better suit.

Let her see man with golden tongue.

Her hair looks how?

Stunning. Stunning...

Agh! Why, Pearl,
your hair looks stunning.

You can't even see it,
you gormless twit!

Today's the day. I can feel it.

I feel strange with this hairstyle.

These are not hairstyles.

These are man traps.

We are going to drive the men wild.

I think just one will do.

Wrong. We're going to
slaughter across the board.

We're giving out a force-field
of pure femaleness.

Pure[?]

Of intense femaleness...that
the men will not be able to ignore.

Ooh! Here's two now.
Let's show them what we've got.

Pull yourself together, Morton.

Look, it's one of the...

I'm no good with women.

I am, and look where it's got me.

I thought she liked me.

I mean, she took me on honeymoon.

They can be very deceitful.

Mine's still
pretending she hates me.

So, OK, she's thrown you out.

You're all alone in the world.
You're homeless.

Let's look on the bright side.

What's the bright side?

You've always wanted to be free.

Not this free.
Marina might adopt you now.

She's not speaking to me either.

She said goodbye.

Quiet, team.

I need to confide in you.

Nothing you hear
must leave this room.

I have a problem. I can't help it.

I'm not ashamed, and it doesn't mean
I'm any less of a lethal machine,

but I always cry at weddings.

Go on, laugh.

I knew you'd laugh. Well, laugh away.

These things can be controlled.
Agh!

What was that? What was what?

That thing with the knee.

Well, that's it.
That's how I control them.

With one knee?
Sometimes one,
sometimes the other.

What, you use both knees?

Not at the same time.

You raise both knees, you fall down.

That thing with the knee -
stops you crying at weddings?

Oh, no, it's not just for weddings.

It's a method for controlling
the emotion in any situation.

A very ancient practice
of a warrior people. The Erics.

The who?

You've heard of the Saxons and
the Franks. These were the Erics.

Great knee-fighters.

Oh, they believed the knee
to be the centre of power.

You'll find it on Google.

A knee in the googles?
I've heard about it.

Never mind knees.

How do I get my suit? No problem.

I'll lend you one of mine.

It's never going to fit.

Exactly. There's no way Pearl is
going to let you go to a wedding
dressed like that.

She'll whisk you off home
to get changed.

Is that planning, or what?

Show yourself, Howard.

THEY LAUGH

Ignore them.

You look like someone whose wife is
just about to take pity on him.

If you won't let me get me suit,
I'll have to go in this.

Well, just don't tell anybody
we were once related.

Well, that worked like a dream[!]

It was heartbreaking
to see him when he left.

Heartbreaking?

He looked hilarious in that suit.

"I'm going off down the lane,"
he said.

"I need some space."

How much more space does he need,
in that jacket?

"I need to think things out,"
he said.

Oh, he looked so sad.

It affected us all.

We were tearing up.

Trying to remember
strong men don't cry.

"I'm going to have to get
used to being alone," he said,
with a...catch in his voice.

How far has he gone?

It's time he was home,
getting bathed and changed. Home?

You mean here? This house?

It's where he belongs.

Maybe now he won't be so quick
to forget it. We'll fetch him.

No, you won't. I'll fetch him.

I can hardly miss him in that suit.

He's going to get his palm read
loud and clear before
he sets his foot back in here.

You'll like Moira.

Is she attractive?
Course she's attractive.

I'm better with ugly.

Moira's a shy person.

That's going to be no good.

We'll both be standing there
saying nothing.

I'm convinced that behind
that shyness, there lurks
this demon with the ladies.

You're just saying that.
Feeling better, though, aren't you?

Yes...momentarily.

Hang onto it. That could be
romance waiting for you in there.

The day we were married,
YOU wore a suit.

You couldn't wear a white dress.

It wasn't because I didn't qualify.

I know. It was wartime.

Unless you knew
somebody with a spare parachute,

white silk was unobtainable.

You looked nice in that suit.

Which is more than anyone's
going to say about you.

You had the kind of figure
they all want nowadays.

And what am I now,
a sack of loose chippings? No.

It's just that...
we've had that kind of marriage.

Not white silk but... Careful!

Not a bad suit.

Took you a while to find out.

No, it didn't.

Right from our wedding breakfast,

I was reaching across for something
and you whacked my knuckles
with your spoon.

Your mother should have
taught you better manners.

You weren't kidding with that spoon.

It was a right crack.

But that's when I realised...

I was always going to be
looked after.

I was home.

Get yourself inside and get
that suit off. I'll run your bath.

Inside?! In the house?

OUR house?

Well, you're not getting
bathed in the yard.

Are you ready?

I'm ready. I'm ready.

The bus is going to pick us up
at the Stanhope.

What about our own transport?

The milk float? You must be joking.

Nobody's going in their
own transport. They'll be drinking.

How much is the bus?

Hobbo arranged it.
He's got us a bargain.

Have you locked that back door?

You've asked me that twice. Yes.

And are all the bolts on?

Yes. And the man trap's in place,
and the boiling oil's ready[!]

There's no need to be sarcastic.

Although I must admit, the man trap
idea does have its attractions.

On your way then, I'm ready.

You're not going like that, are you?
It's not a funeral. It's a wedding.

It's what I always wear.

Exactly!
And it's no good for weddings.

Have you had a look at yourself
lately?

Not since I sold the big mirror.

It's going to be a long day.

Do you think we'll enjoy it?
We'll fake it.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

It's only us.

That narrows it down[!]

Look at you.

And look at you.

You know me.
I'd rather be in combat gear.

My wedding suit turned out
to be combat gear.

Well, I think we all look delicious.

I wish you hadn't said that.

I'm going to feel delicious now,
all day.

Have you got your tissues?
..He cries at weddings.

Not all the time.

I'm not ashamed.

You know what that says about me -
a sensitive nature,

which I think is essential if
you're going to be employed
by the state as a k*lling machine.

Otherwise, you'll just
become an unpleasant person.

Go through there, Barry,
and get those two talking. In there?

It's like walking into a fridge. Ohh.

Why don't I go?

Because you'll bully Morton
and start flirting with Moira.

That was the old me.

Go, Barry. Break the ice in there.

You know Morton. He's in shock.

I doubt if he can speak.

What am I going to say to Moira?

"I like your dress"?
That's me finished.

How much do you like her dress?

Not as much as yours.

Correct answer.

You're now in line
for our big prize.

Why don't you go
and start them, talking even if
it's only sign language?

Keep off the pop.

The old you?

I'm on a more spiritual path,

which, as yet, doesn't require me
to give up every pleasure.

Shall we have another
before I go totally ascetic?

I don't think you're in any danger.

Do you think anyone will notice
we're in best uniform?

It's a question of pride.

It's some girl's big day.

We owe her the best.

They'll be hating us, anyway,

because we've got to tell them they
can't park where they want to park.

We can make friends later,
at the buffet.

We're invited to the buffet?

I wouldn't say invited, but if
you turn up with an empty plate,
what are they going to do?

Here's the tricky bit.

This is where the crease
in your trousers goes to mush.

Big smiles, ladies. Big smiles.
Could you move in a bit?

Moira, come on!

That's it. A bit more.

Closer... Real close.

A bit more...

Real close. Good, good. That's it.

That's it. A bit more.

Looking good. Now, big smiles...

I'll be with you in a moment.

Just...smile amongst yourselves.

My my! Who's looking
scrumptious today?

Why, thank you.

At last...a gentleman.

Ooh!

Hello, Mr Hobdyke. Miss Davenport!

How...how different you look.
I was hoping you'd think so.

I'm having a bit of trouble.
I hope nothing serious.

Oh, no. No, no. Just the old tripod.

Ohhh!

Watch it. I'm in enough trouble.

Look what I've found.

I understand you're
between marriages.

No, no!

We're a solid team.

I'll be back with her
before you know it.

Poor man.

You miss her.

I do.

In the meantime,
you'll need a sympathetic shoulder.

Ye Gods!

What big shoulders you have.

Got a thing for walls, have you,
Howard?

I daren't look anywhere else.

What time did you order
that bargain bus?

It should be here any minute now.
Ohhh.

Found this person in the shop.

Oh, you look nice.

Don't...don't crush me.

This lot has to go back in stock.

Hey...

Oh, please, please...
Not only cries at weddings,
looks like he's ready to scream.

Twitching well...

Wait for leg.

There she goes!

Excuse me.

Why is Moira crying?

Morton's been telling her
his sad stories.

You know Morton -
he only does sad stories.

Well, go and stop him.
It's supposed to be a happy day.

Stay where you are.

He's doing all right.

Did I lock the door?

Twice. I was there.

My memory's going.

I blame this suit.

Nice smiles, ladies...

Woo-oo...

Here we are... Ah...

CAMERA CLICKS

Sorry.

We'll do that again.

How did you get Aunty
refurbished like that?

We had a couple of sherries.
That helped.

She opened bottle of sherry?

No! It was already opened.

About 1936.

You're looking good, Stella.

It happens...occasionally.

HE COUGHS

Is this the...

Is this the...bus for
the wedding party? Hello, Conrad.

Sounds more like, "Goodbye, Conrad!"

Oh, get him a chair, somebody.

Get him an ambulance.

I'll get a glass of water.

I'll be all right
when me sight comes back.

Are you telling us you can't see?

It's only temporary.

Don't fret, love. It's back already.

Here.

Have a glass of water. Ohhh...

Are you the regular driver?

No, I'm filling in for our Barney.

This is his hat.

What happened to Barney?

Oh, he's gone down with some
nasty disease.

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Sorry.

Hello?

Hello.

Oh, um...hang on, um...

Glenda!

It's Gloria.

Ohhh.

So, how's the blushing bride, then?

Oh, dear.

What can I say, except
you're probably well rid.

I can guess how you must feel.

Don't worry about us.

Oh, don't cry, he's not worth it.

I'll call you tomorrow.

The bridegroom's done a runner.

ALL: Aw...

I know not everybody likes her,
but she didn't deserve that.

Glenda's right. She's well rid of
any lowlife who'd do that.

Well, here we are, all dressed up.

I came ready for a day out
and I'm going to have a day out.

Sounds good to me.

'Ere you, can you see yet?
Course I can see.

Well, all right, prove it, then.
You find us a nice restaurant.

No problem.

Why are they just sitting there?

I'll go and see what I can do.

Are you sure that's wise?

Don't get them any more fire-up
than they'll be already.

It's a tactic to make us feel guilty.

That's far enough, sir.

Are you all right?

We're all fine on the bus.

We're good, sir.

Don't bother yourself. No problem.

No problem?

That's a very tolerant way of
looking at things.

I don't suppose he meant to
be driving like a lunatic, did he?

No, no, no.

It's just the hat.

He, um, loses control of the hat.

Not very good with the bus, either.

Oh... He's standing in for
their Barney.

I'll take charge of him as from now.

That's good enough for us.

Have a nice day.

You...you mean we can go?

Good luck with his hat.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, I'll take charge of that, too!

How did you manage that?

I'm not without influence
in official circles.

ENGINE CHUNTERS AND BANGS

CLEGG: Did I lock the door?