31x03 - The Rights of Man (Except for Howard)

[bunniefuu]

If it's my aftershave that's getting
to you, I think it's only fair
to warn you

I never enter into any
new relationships on a Tuesday.

It's Wednesday. In that case,
you're in with a chance.

Pass.

I thought I could smell smoke.

Well, it's not me,
I'd have put myself straight out.

Cigarette smoke, you barmpot.

There's a smoker in town somewhere.

Poor devil, hunted down, despised,
barred from every public place.

And we call ourselves civilised.

Reminds me of the former
Mrs Truelove -

a vast expanse
with few signs of humanity.

Was she really all that bad?

Only on my days off.

When I was at work,
we got along fine.

I'm going to stop bringing you out
here if you're going to go
all sentimental.

Hello?

Oh, come in.

Is Howard back home?

Howard who? Good for you, girl.

"I'm going camping," he said.

You kept him out all night?

"Don't expect me back," he said.

I thought, "Right."

That should teach him.

He volunteered. He took his tent.

He said he was off to the wilderness.

So which wilderness is he in?

Next door but one, at Hobbo's.

That's wild enough for anybody.

Do you think you could let this man
place his ear to your wall?

Has he washed it?

I paid one and six a yard
for that wallpaper.

It's a perfectly clean ear,
just forgotten and unwanted.

Bit distraught this morning.

Touch of the old neglects.

Feels a bit sad on account
of temporary homelessness.

She threw me out.

Now, why didn't we think of that?

Go on. Clamp your ear to the wall.

See if there's any sound next door.

Is she sobbing uncontrollably?

Missing you dreadfully.

Your first night apart for 50 years.

She's bound to be pining for you.

I can hear pipes gurgling.

Well, it's a start.

You're going to have to cut down
on Brenda's bacon butties.

You can't eat your way
into her affections.

I'm making progress.

Does she give you discount
for bulk buying?

I don't want a discount.

I never thought I'd live to hear
a confession like that in Yorkshire.

She's addling your brains, lad.

There's more to life than money.

You see what I mean?

I get a smile when I go now.

She gives me double mustard.

Oh, well, that's it, then.

You're practically engaged.

Look who's giving me advice.

What experience have you had
in romantic affairs?

You might be surprised.

I certainly would.

I came that close
to being a GI bride.

They were good at...that close.

I can't see you with the Yanks.

I wasn't with the Yanks.

I was with one Yank.

We had this beautiful thing going.

He could get coffee and nylons
and I could sell them on.

But do you think she'll let me in?

No. No chance.

Let you in?! Let you in?! Are you
the man of the house, or what?!

Looks like a "what" to me.

Not even 40 watt.

Stop it, you two.
The man needs motivating,
psyching-up. I can do that.

I have a diploma in secret mind
manipulation and leadership.

From where?
That was the secret part.

There was just
this box number at Rotherham.

You answered a question and sent £10
and if they felt you had

the intellectual clout,
they sent you this certificate.

It was signed
by a Lieutenant-General.

What name?

Who can read signatures?

It looked like la-blah-blah.

That's your house there.

Your abode. Your Englishman's castle.

Who can forbid you entry?

Am I getting through here? Yes.

Keep going. I can feel me
becoming more determined.

Good man. Do you want to go home?

I do.

I want to go home.

You can. You're the man of the house.

Who can stop you? Say it.

I'm the man of the house.

Who can stop me? That's it.

You're ready. Any questions?

Do you think she'll let me in?

Go, go! Impose yourself.
Demand she lets you in.

Bang it, man. Give it some boot.
Show her who's in charge.

I'm home, Sweetie. It's only me.

I hope you were worried all alone,
but it's over now.

I'm home.

Wrong! On your bike!

I want no more
part-time relationships.

I'm done with being toyed with.

It beats not being toyed with.

It's not enough. I want commitment.

I think I might find it
with Mr Waddle.

You hardly know him.

A girl has to have an instinct
for these things.

He bought me a choc-ice.

I spilt it down my blouse.

He made no attempt to wipe it off.

I thought, "Hello, a gentleman."

Wasn't Howard a gentleman?

Always.

Despite every opportunity.

But I think I can sense more
impatience with Mr Waddle. Oh, yes.

I expect there'll soon be a gleam
in the eye of that one.

Will that be his good eye, or his
bad one? Oh, it's not that bad.

You get used to it.

You just have to remember
which way to look.

I never know which way to look
when he comes in the library.

I admit he's not
conventionally handsome.

I know he doesn't say much, but it's
the chatty ones you have to watch.

He says "Ug".
I say "Good morning, Mr Waddle"

and he says "Ug".

I think he's shy.

I'll bring him out.

If anyone can...

I think a girl has to go for it.
Seize the moment.

I'm going to tell him.
"All right, Mr Waddle,
I can't fight it, you've won me.

"Here I am."

U-u-g.

I'm homeless.

You've always been hopeless.

Homeless!

Tossed out with the rubbish.

Howard's been recycled.

You're not homeless.

It's just a communication glitch.

You're both dying
to get back to each other.

She looked pretty cheerful
when she went shopping with Nelly.

She was putting on
a good face in public.

Does Pearl HAVE good face?

I'd settle for the bad one
if I could go home.

I think that is heroic.

We'll get you back together.

My mind's working on it all the time.

I really ought to be hand-painting my
model of a lady in a crinoline dress.

You're not forgotten.
You're not alone.

I'm an orphan.

Loses wife and girlfriend.

Could be classed as careless.

No ties.
The world's your oyster now.

What about freedom?

What about my washing?

She'll be doing your washing
again in no time. How's this?

If you won't power your way back,
you romance your way back.

Sound like a plan? A bad one.

She's not big on romance.

She's better at fear.

I will not accept that.

I will not believe
that a female heart will be unmoved
by being romanced.

What about livers?

Livers are good. I think livers get
overlooked when it comes to romance.

Everybody goes for the heart.

Aim for the liver, Howard.

Will you stop it? Everybody
feels sorry for a broken heart.

I say, let's hear it
for broken livers.

Ignore him, Howard.

No-one says no to romance.

SHE PANTS

There you are, Mr Hobdyke.

Miss Davenport is just behind me.

I never thought I'd miss my wife.

I don't want that news spread around.

It's too embarrassing.

I thought it was the house
and Jaguar you missed.

You can spread that around.

It's much more me, don't you think?

If you look on the bright side,
it's a wonder she didn't
throw you out years ago.

Morton, have you never considered
the benefits of silence?

Sorry.

I hate eating grass.

Is there a connection here
I'm missing?

Well, it's not actually grass.

It's salads and healthy food,

but it tastes like grass.

Glenda wants us to lose at least
a stone before Gloria's wedding.

You stand here with two deserted
husbands and all you can
think about is your belly.

I liked it better when it was full.

I find being miserable is
really good for losing weight.

Then it should be falling off me.

I don't think so,
the way you can eat.

Thank you, Morton.

Don't underestimate
how miserable I feel.

I've toyed with the idea
of jumping in here, you know.

It's about three inches deep.

Well, you have to start somewhere.

SIREN

I were only doing seven miles
an hour.

He's admitting it.

"Look at him," we said, "tearing
about at seven miles an hour."

There's a 30-mile limit.

You're underdoing the speed limit
by 14...

Try 13.

By 13 miles an hour.

Is that an offence?

It is if you're not carrying
any more of Brenda's bacon butties.

They'll be cold by now.

No problem.

We have the technology.

Pearl's finally thrown him out.

She'll take him back.
Women are daft.

He's been out all night.

I had a husband like that.

Why didn't you throw him out?

Crafty beggar dropped dead
before I got round to it.

sn*pers again?

No. Miss Davenport.

Deadly at close quarters.

Now, Howard.

He looks like
he's enjoying his freedom.

It was all a mistake.

Yes. Yours!

We'll get him back to his own
fireside, my team and I.

Chop chop, team. Find him a table.

Get him sat down. Planning session.

Teas all round, please, Ivy.

Oh, could I have a bun?

Oh, he is broken-hearted.

Right...

let's look at what we've got here.

A temporary chill in the relationship
between Howard and his loved one.

Which loved one?

She's gone as well.

We're talking Pearl.

Of course we're talking Pearl.

Pearl was always number one, right?

Right? Yes, right, sorry.

I was thinking of the bun.

I hate it
when he gets all sentimental.

Maybe all he needs
for happily-ever-after is a bun.

Now, pay attention.
I'm laying it out for you.

Problem...how do we get
you back home with Pearl?

Can I just say one word?

Rights.

Rights? Yes.

The word's on everybody's lips.

You're human...

give or take a doubt or two...
then you've got rights.

One of which is
free access to your own home.

But first, you can have your bun.

I've lost three pounds this week
and there's no reason
why you can't do the same.

You want to look your best
for Gloria's wedding.

I hope it's a sit-down meal
and not a finger buffet.

I don't think you're really behind
this project yet, are you Barry?

Barry?

What is it?

Why have you stopped?

Call it a whim. What kind of a whim
makes you suddenly stop just here?

I like it just here. I can't see why.

What's special about just here?

The fish and chip shop.

You can smell fish and chips.

I love it just here. Come along.

Do you always carry a barbecue?

It's our duty to be equipped
for all eventualities.

Plenty of room in the boot
once we got rid of all
the emergency equipment.

He's telling porkies.

We have everything for emergencies.

Should you burst into flames
or suffer a heart attack,
we've got everything you need.

That's reassuring.

That's why we're here, sir.

What about poison gas?

No. You'll have to bring your own.

And we don't do
artificial respiration.

Ours is real respiration.

Have you ever given the kiss of life?

Not while on duty,

although he's got something of
a reputation in amateur circles.

Not true. Please, tell the wife.

How fast will that thing go?

Oh, you'd hate it after
racing about chasing felons.

Well, look at you!

I'm off to paralyse
Mr Waddle with desire.

What do you think?
Have I cracked it?

Well, it must be said,
quite striking.

And the iron's hot.

But I couldn't go running off
to my own happiness without
giving a leg up to yours.

Mine? I want to see you making
progress with Mr Hobdyke.

I'm here to help.

Do you think you can?

Girl, I'm hot. Just put yourself
in my experienced hands.

We need some changes here.

Changes?

Your appearance.

It doesn't say
"Look at me. I'm dynamite."

That's because I don't do dynamite.

I'm happier
just popping a cork occasionally.

I'm going to upgrade you
to the big bang.

You can't stay like that.

You look like
an old person's laundry.

Oh... Trust me.

I've got the flair for these things.

Do you get the feeling
we're being watched?

Ignore it.
Do you think he's suffered enough?

Nowhere near.

That's the spirit.

Now's the time. Go claim your rights.

What rights?
That's your home, isn't it?

You live there, don't you? I used to.

Go. Exercise your rights.

Wives not always big
on husbands' rights.

Once he gets inside,
legally, he'll be back in possession.

What are you waiting for?

They're inside.
The door won't be locked.

Open it. Walk in. Job done.

You don't think I should knock?

No, I don't think you should knock.

Not on your own door.

Why are you still here?

I'd like a second opinion. Tell him.

If it were me,
I'd follow your first instincts.

Take the tent and go
and live in Albania.

Albania sounds good.

Stop lowering the man's confidence.

Too late. It's not too late.

The time is now.

You're going to stride in there,

slam the door behind you
and tell her you've come home.

She hates people slamming doors.

What do you care?

You're the man. You're home.

You're the man.
Your knees are knocking.

Know the feeling well.

Shall I tell you all something?

She's in there looking,
hoping for this display,
this macho display of her man.

I've got a feel for these things.

I watched Love Story three times.

Go! Put her mind at rest.

Let her see her man has come home.

I'm home!

GLASS SMASHES

Well, there are three faces
to come home to.

What on earth is the matter
with you lot?

Your husband's hungry
and we're abandoned.

I can't do much about
getting your wives back,
but there's food in the fridge.

It's all vegetation.

It's like Kew Gardens in there.

I'm watching your diet.

You'll thank me when you're looking
good in a new suit and I have
to drive off all the ladies.

I'd be anybody's right now if
they came bearing steak and kidney.

You should count your blessings.
There's nobody cares if we get fat.

That's true. Jammy devil.

- Lucky swine.
- It doesn't feel so lucky.

Oh, really?

Would you like to reconsider that?

Muffed your shot there, lad.

Heading straight for the bunker.

I didn't mean how she took it.

You'll soon be joining
our abandoned husbands team.

We'll be better with three.

He can help with the ironing.
Is he any good?

I'm not having any clown
doing my ironing.

You know where you went wrong?
Going home.

You didn't slam.

You didn't give it enough of "Here
I am back home and no arguments"

kind of slam.

The slam she was waiting for
so she could surrender
and fall into your arms.

As they do.

How long since she's
been in your arms, Howard?

I caught her once when
she slipped on the stairs.

Experienced. Sounds like he's ready.

Of course he's ready.

Not while she's in that mood.

OK, change of plan.

We'll come at this
from another angle.

What if you showed her
what she's missing?

In case she's not noticed.

Probably forgotten.

Then he'll bring it all back.

What can you do to remind her
of how you used to entertain her?

What did you do for laughs?

Scrub the bicycle. I know something
she'll find irresistible.

Learnt it from the Cossack
who used to hold Putin's shirt
while he was posing.

Charlie alpha three.

'Charlie alpha three.

'Disturbance at Thorpeville Park.
Assistance required.

'Charlie alpha three.'

Hello!

Can I be of any assistance?
Who's that?

It's Tom.

Well, look at you,
dressed for action.

I'm going to make Mr Waddle
an offer he can't refuse.

This time it's marriage or nothing.

I've never known anybody spin out
nothing as long as you have.

I'm afraid I'm not far behind.

She makes a barmaid look like a nun.

Trust me. I know what the men like.
You should do.

It's been a long learning curve.

RUMBLING

What's he doing?

Just checking. It's fine.

What's fine? My old trampoline.

Showing her age a bit,
but I'm sure she'll serve you well,
my little trampoliner.

What do I want with a trampoline?

Height. To be able to show yourself
at Pearl's bedroom window.

A bunch of flowers in your hand,
a big smile.

Love from a trampoline.

How many husbands go to such lengths?

She'll never resist it. I like it.

Who's a little rocket, then?

I've never used a trampoline.

There's nothing to it.
We'll be there to assist you.

To break your fall.

He's not going to fall.

My little flyboy.

We have lift-off.

We go as soon as it's dark.

He's here.

That's Mr Waddle now.
The white van.

How do I look?

Don't tell me, I'll knock him dead.

He will think he's won the Lottery.

I wish you all the best.
I know you do. I shan't forget you.

It's your turn next.

Don't forget, marriage or nothing.

They will be the first words
he hears from my lips.

What are we going
to tell the sergeant?

We'll tell him we were undercover.

Who's going to expect to find
the police in a milk float?

They ought to be commending us.

It was a stroke of genius.

What about Tom answering t' 999 call?

I'm still working on that.

Ow!

It's good to have a roof
over your head.

Good night.

Good night.