27x10 - A Tale of Two Sweaters

[bunniefuu]

Ohh, Howard!

Ohh, Marina!

I hope you haven't gone overboard
with anything too expensive. No!

Oh. You haven't got carried away then?

I like you to think of me
as steadier than that,

a rock you can lean on.

I'm involved with a rock[!]

Is there no end to these excitements?

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come... Come in, Howard.

Come in.
He's in a highly emotional state.

Look at his trembling fingers.
He's got the Marina shakes.

I hope you don't mind, Cleggy,
but I daren't open it at home.
We thought that was your mouth.

You come in here at top speed
with your unlawful gift...

It's perfectly innocent.

It's from a secret admirer, but
these things can be misunderstood.

Oh, I imagine Pearl does
a great misunderstood.

Why are your sleeves rolled up?
It's not really you, Cleggy.

You're the most sleeves down person
I know.

I'm not changing my lifestyle.

I've been unblocking the drain.
That's what I get for Christmas!

You think that's bad?
Look what I get for Christmas!

Ow!

I'd sooner have a blocked drain.

Put it away before it blisters
my paintwork. How do you think
it feels from inside?!

Who gave you that?
How long have you had enemies
prepared to go to lengths like that?

It's from Pearl.

Oh, well.

That explains it.
She says she's fed up with me
wearing stuff that's so boring.

Doesn't she know you can't go
from boring to totally bananas
in one jump?

Can I ask a technical question?

Why the devil are you wearing it?

It's basic survival
to pretend you like it.

Can't you tone it down a bit? How?

Well...go and roll in something.

Who'd be seen in that?
I daren't roll in anything.

Get one grass stain
and she never forgets.

Anyway, it's not really a problem.

You wear it for Christmas,
then you put it away for best.

With a bit of luck it's forgotten.

That's never going to be easy
to forget. So, that's from Pearl.

What have you got from your secret
admirer, whose name escapes me,
unless it's Marina?

Another sweater!

But not as dangerous
to the spectators.

Suppose one of the women
in your life sees you wearing your
favourite sweater and it's not hers?

I believe I'm man of the world
enough to handle two sweaters.

Here, try this.

What is it?
It's not an ill*gal substance.
You won't end up on my sofa.

I have never ended up
on anybody's sofa! You have
my sympathy, but don't look at me.

It's Christmas, but there are limits.
And you've just reached yours.

Just relax.
I'm cooking for Clegg and Truly.
Now try it. I want a second opinion.

You're looking very ravishing
this morning. Have I ever seen
your hair out of its tin?

I don't want any personal comments,
thank you.

You're only escaping death
because it's Christmas.

Give over, woman. Don't look at it
like that, you'll burn it to a crisp.

So...
you're cooking for Truly and Clegg.

Are they insured?

Just taste it.

Don't tickle it to death. Taste it.

Well?

I hope they still are
when they've finished!

Do you think we're doing right?
Of course we're doing right.

It's a Christmassy thing.
Are you sure it's wise? He shouts!

You say, "Good morning,
Mr Sanderson." And when he says it,
folk in the next street shout back.

That's in the street.
He won't shout indoors.

Your mother used to. She didn't.

She could terrify you quite happily
without raising her voice.

I wish she was still with us.

Aww. That's sweet of you, Barry.

She could entertain
old Mr Sanderson. Barry!

He's not exactly good company.

He never gets a chance to be.
He's always on his own.

I was looking forward to us being
on our own. We will be.

As soon as he's had his meal
and gone. How long is he stopping?

Let him get his coat off
before you throw him out!

I couldn't enjoy my meal if I knew
he was on his own.

Why don't we get his meal ready
and I'll take it to him? Barry!

Why don't I shut up and practise
being nice about old Mr Sanderson?

Thinking like that
could improve your entire Christmas.

Promise?

Trust me.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, you busy.
There's no fooling you, is there?

I'll come back, maybe Boxing Day.
No, I've a job for you. Do what?

I'm not too good in kitchen.
More outdoors type.

Since when? Since wife
keeps throwing me outdoors.

There's no need to stand out there
telling fibs. Tell them inside.

It's not kitchen work.
It's man's work.

Have a look at my model racer.
I get to play with model racer?
It's bigger Christmas than I think.

It's gone belly up.
Maybe you can fix it. What are you
doing, wandering loose at Christmas?

I told you - thrown out. Wife and
me, big row. I need friendly face.

Doesn't she like the one you've got?

What's the row about? Doesn't matter.
She just likes big rows.

At Christmas? Especially at
Christmas. She thinks, "What kind
Christmas is it without big row?"

Why does she like big rows?

She likes way they end -
kissy kissy making up.

Doesn't sound too bad.
I'm getting too old for making up.

Sooner have row.

Do you think it's true
that even black sheep are welcome?

I wouldn't call us black.

I think it's been our destiny
to never get past medium grey.

It's never been past off-white
for as long as I care to remember.

Some people are so bare-faced.
Often barer than that!

At least she's made the effort.
It's usually just the skirt
that's reaching for heaven.

Let's be charitable. It's Christmas.

Though I must say being charitable
tends to k*ll conversation.

I always try to be charitable
on Christmas Day.

Do you feel any better for it?

I always feel ready for Boxing Day!

Here's to a quiet, but convivial
Christmas. Just the three of us.

I'll drink to that. In fact, today
I'll probably drink to anything.

The three of us! Aye.

And to a simpler Christmas
than I once had in the Vice Squad.

Though they were genuinely inventive
in their use of mistletoe!

WHEE! WHEE!

WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! WHEE!

It's been doing that
since Entwistle mended it!
Very gifted, these people from Hull.

It needs a doctor.

It needs an undertaker.

Don't say that. It's brand new.

I remember a certain
Edgar B Westbury. He was brand new.

Young, fit,
on the very threshold of life...

..when this number 22 Peckham bus
got him straight in one of
the healthiest kidneys ever seen.

Have you any more Christmas stories?

Once we've had a drink or two.

He makes them up.

I gave evidence at the inquest.
In the witness box. That's where
he learnt the storyteller's trade.

WHEE!
I suppose I could look at it.

Is he qualified?
For interfering? Oh, absolutely.

I used to mend
the police station bicycle. Ah, h*!

Those were the days!
Bobbies on bicycles.

Well, I'll certainly drink to that.

WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! WHEE!

I'll get it.

You're very nimble
at the old domestics.

I have to keep pace
with her next door.

Alvin, promise me you'll never
put your hair in curlers.

I only do houseproud so far. The rest
of me stays magnificently male.
Ask anybody.

What are we having?
What are we having?

You're having a treat.
I intend to build your strength up
for the sale tomorrow.

A treat!

What sort of treat? It can't be bad
if she's building our strengths up.

I like to know what I'm eating.

The way you go through it,
you've scarcely got time
to get to know each other.

Oh, great!

No, no, no. Sit yourself down.
Today is staff day off.

Quality time. Spoil the help day.

Today you don't exert yourselves.

A lot like every other day.

You've hurt his feelings now.

I notice you're managing to remain
unwounded. I'm more forgiving.

That's good. You'll need to be.

What is it?
I've no idea without me glasses.

What does your nose say?

SNIFFS
"Why didn't we go to t'restaurant?"

You thought I was a mean old woman,
didn't you? Could we answer that
after we've eaten?

Oh, lovely! It's lovely.

Well, that was very edible, Alvin.
You're a little treasure.

We really did enjoy it, Alvin.
I hope you mean that. Cross my
thermal underpants and hope to die.

KNOCK AT DOOR
Come in, Howard!

How did you know it was me?
We heard the sweater coming!

Ye Gods!

Think Pearl's trying to tell you
something? She just wants to know
where he is at all times.

That should do the trick.
Nobody will miss him in that.

The electric banana!
I can keep it covered.

Buried would be better.
What if you're caught wearing that
when you should be wearing Marina's?

I'm prepared for any emergency.

Da-da!

Wearing two sweaters could interfere
with your life in the fast lane.

I don't think so. I can't see it
affecting the real me.

You'll find your pulse getting
slower. You'll lose all interest
in excitement.

Every kind of excitement?

You'll still enjoy a good book.

Oh, well. No problem, then.
You'll still be able to read.

You're having me on!

Have you been drinking?
Well, I should hope so.

We came here with that intention.

Tell me, Howard.

In all this cunning deployment
of two sweaters,

how do you decide
which one should be on top?

You have to take each situation
into account.

For instance, now I'm out
in the wider world, I shouldn't be
showing this one. Dead right!

Not without a public health warning.

This one is more suitable for
when I am in the vicinity of Pearl.

Your trouble is that Pearl thinks
you're always about to lose
your vicinity.

Marina and I are just good friends.

And in order for us to remain
good friends, I ought to be wearing
her sweater on top.

In case we bump into each other.

Is that likely
in Alvin's sitting room?

I was wondering about that.

I'm not saying it's likely,

but there's no harm
in being prepared.

Are you all right in there?

Speak up.
I can't hear you down there.

I do hope he gets out.

I'm not going in there after him.

New sweaters
are inclined to be tight.

Especially Marina's.

At least I'll know where he is.
You can see him for miles!

Have another sherry.
Oh, I don't think I dare.

You're in no danger of waking up
in a house of ill repute in South
America! Or even South Yorkshire!

Oh, well, just a small one, then.

Your Howard seemed very happy
with his new sweater.
Never had it off his back.

I thought he'd hate it.
He usually goes for muddy brown.

Oh, they do. They have this affinity
with muddy brown. And they say
nature makes males more colourful!

Not round here.
Not in our day, anyway.

You had a job to distinguish
the average male from a hole in the
ground. That's their personalities!

They have their reasons for wanting
to blend into the background.

He'll not be doing much blending
in that sweater!

Is he still wearing it?
He left the house wearing it.

Yes, but where was he going?

To Alvin's.
To see if they were all right.

Oh, that's very thoughtful.
That's suspicious for a start.

Do you think he takes it off
when he gets outside?

Well...there's only one way
to find out. That's true.

And anyway, we ought to call in
on those three men,

make sure they're having
some kind of decent Christmas.

You're right.

It is the season of goodwill.

I'll k*ll him!

That was tasty! We're glad
you enjoyed it, Mr Sanderson.

Aren't we, Barry?

Deeply moved.

I shall pay for it.
I'll be up half the night! Oh, dear.

Did the windows rattle?
I'm sure I heard them rattle.

It's like a knife!
No, I tell a lie. Acid.

Like a pool of acid.
It rises right up here!

I used to be able to eat anything.

You still do a good impression.

I shall pay for it!

A drop more wine, Mr Sanderson?

They say it helps the digestion.

There's nothing else. I'd like
a drop. You've had enough, Barry.

It's Christmas. I'm not driving.
Not driving?

How am I getting home?
We'll get you home. Have no fear.

Sit down, Barry.

Mr Sanderson's not ready yet.

What a performance!
I thought we'd lost you for good.

It'll get easier after
the first few times. They said that
about my video recorder.

You've got a video recorder?

Not any more.

I bet Christmas looks better
now you can breathe again.

You're looking quite puce.
He's just a riot of colour
this Christmas.

Isn't it a bit warm in here?

It is in two sweaters.

I'm perfectly comfortable,
thank you.
KNOCK AT DOOR

Whoever it is,
I'm reasonably confident
I'm wearing the right sweater.

He's been expecting her!

You told Marina you'd be here.

I may have mentioned it casually.

It's not Marina.
It's Electric Entwistle.

I hope he didn't get a sweater!

Haven't you been home yet?
Been home, ended big row.

Then she started another one.
Merry Christmas.

Why is Howard red?
It's warm in here.
KNOCK AT DOOR

And it's getting warmer.
It's Nora Batty, Ivy...and Pearl.

Pearl?!

They'll probably invite us in
for a drink, but I think
we should keep a clear head.

I'm not sure I've ever had
a clear head.

Come in, ladies. Come in.
We're trying. You keep getting
in our way. Is it going to snow?

Probably,
if we stand here long enough!

They're hiding something.

Well, are you letting us in?
Do any of you ladies have
a sprig of mistletoe?

It's boot toe you lot need!

Are we coming in or aren't we?
Were you ever in any doubt?

Mind the step. It's sometimes slippy.

It's not the only one.
I hope my old man's there.

Oh, he's here.

You see?
There IS a Father Christmas.

I hope they let him in quicker!

This way, ladies.
Everyone is pleased to see you.

Merry Christmas, ladies!
Get the ladies a drink. Yes.

You look as though you've just been
dragged through a hedge! Oh!

Funny you should say that. We were
playing with Alvin's motor racer

and he has been driving recklessly
under the table!

Got himself into a speed wobble.
Too heavy on clutch.

WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! WHEE!

WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! WHEE!

Oh[!] Still playing with toys!

They can do worse.

Right. A drink, ladies.

He's a bit red in the face.
How many's he had?

It's warm in here.

You should come to my place.
Atmosphere chilly. Why's that?

She thinks I took too long
rewiring a Mrs Featherstone.

Is there an optimum time
for rewiring a Mrs Featherstone?

Wife thinks so.

Don't leave him on his own, Barry!
On his own?!

He's got every organ in his body for
company. I just did the tour again.

I know his insides as well as
he does! Put the telly on.

He doesn't want the telly.
It stops him hearing his stomach.

I think they talk to each other.
I think he speaks fluent stomach.

If you can't beat him, join him.

Tell him you've had your appendix
out. I'm outclassed.

He's got three holes to my one.

When's he going home?!
Oh, Barry! Let his dinner settle.

Settle?! Have you heard it?
You call that settling?

I must get him onto some other
subject. That's my man.

Good thinking. Executive material.

What do we know about him?
What's he done that was interesting?

He can't always have been just a
stomach? I think he was in the w*r.

In the jungle somewhere.
That's it, then! Jungle!

That'll do.

Nice cup of tea, Mr Sanderson.
Not too strong!

It turns your insides brown.

You must have been quite brown
on the outside...when you were
in the jungle. Jungle?

I could tell you things
about the jungle!

I don't see why we can't walk in,
even if the ladies are still there.

I can think of several reasons.

We're only trying to make sure
the men have everything they need.

And that's one of the reasons!

It's a Christmassy thing.
Love thy neighbour.

Not when his wife's there! Ohh!

I hate that.

Those feelings of inferiority
that one is expected to feel
as the other woman.

You realise what that makes us?

Very fast on our feet
in certain circumstances.

Second-class citizens.

An oppressed minority.

It's true! I go creeping about
in dark glasses!

You shouldn't bother.

Skirts that short are not
what one could call a disguise.

I hope they go on
keeping it in the bottle, the drink.

Can we now settle down to a game
of dominoes? Relax now, Howard.
You're in a female-free zone.

Ancient people from Hull invented
dominoes. As well as gunpowder?

That's how we are. Quick on feet.

We think it's wind
from River Humber.

Sounds like just wind to me!

Pull up a chair, Howard.
Take the guilt off your feet. I'm
not putting that on again for now.

KNOCK AT DOOR
The ladies are back!

Don't let them in yet!
Give me a minute!

Come on!
You can do better than a minute.

Look at the practice you're getting.

Right. Right, let them in.

Why do I care?
I'm wearing Pearl's sweater.
It's all about forward planning.

You've got some Marina showing.
Where? Where?

Oh, he's having me on!
It's not showing, is it?

Ladies, ladies!
We hoped to catch you
in the Christmas spirit. Marina!

Merry Christmas, ladies.
Merry Christmas!

Merry Chri...

That face looks familiar.

What are you doing under a table,
Howard?

I'm playing with this racing car!

Oh, they do!
They play with racing cars.

I once spent an entire evening
of Scalextric.

"Come and see my model racing cars,"
he said.

How was one supposed to know
they mean it?!

I've never seen him show
more enthusiasm.

Raise you ten.

Oh, and this one
used to make a noise like...

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Why aren't you wearing MY sweater?
I AM wearing your sweater!

Who gave you that one on top?
I'll tell you who gave me this one.

I've nothing to hide. Don't worry.
I'll tell you who gave me this one.

Any minute now he'll tell you
who gave him that one on top.

He's nearly there. It's coming.

Well, come on, then. Get on with it.

What's the hurry?
It's supposed to be Christmas?

Now, Howard.

A friend.

Must be a very good friend.

It was in this shop window.

I thought, "That's Howard."

Call me sentimental, if you like.

You bought him a sweater?!
If he doesn't like it, he can take
it back. I like it, I like it!

Lovely sweater, Howard.

I made it. Happy Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Pearl.
All the best.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Cleggy!

Merry Christmas, Howard.