31x01 - Behind every bush there is not necessarily a Howard

[bunniefuu]

I don't know why you're
still wearing collar studs.

You mean, there are people who don't?

They went out in the 1930s.

Even I used to go out in the 1930s.

Nowhere exciting, I bet.

Excitement wasn't compulsory then.

Oooh, morning Alvin.

I shall never get used to it.

Being called Alvin?

Ah well, I expect
it will take a while.

No, I shall never get used to
this door being opened

by somebody who doesn't
start by being nasty to me.

I can do nasty if you'd rather. No.

You learn that early
you know in the pub trade.

Speaking of early -

how early would I have to be to
catch you without your make-up?

Early.

And it's not an experience
you'd want to repeat.

I've seen you without your make-up.

When? You were still at the pub.

It was late one night.
We were drinking with your Wilf.

You had to get out of bed to
throw us out. I was impressed.

I told you I could do nasty.
You're not kidding.

You threw your Wilf out as well.

So why the knock on the door?
What did you want?

Just checking. Wanted to see
if you'd have your make-up on.

It's nice to have
a bit of colour next door.

Oooh, Mr Hobdyke...

how may we oblige?

What have you got on
untraceable poisons?

Oh, I'm afraid we don't go much
further than a cookery section.

Was that a twitch or are you
winking at me, you wicked person?

It's a twitch. You see.

That's the twitch.

And this is my wink.

Oh, I like your wink.

It's not a civilian wink.

No I keep it
purely for operational purposes.

What a pity! It looks to me
like a very promising wink.

I often have to wrestle with it.

Show the body who's boss.

I learned this in Tibet.

I tell a lie it was Macclesfield.

There's an old devotee
of Buddha there.

Incredible what he can do
with a few joss sticks.

Perhaps I might be of help.

You weren't much
help with the poison.

Do you have a need for poison?

It's purely defensive.
You need to be forewarned.

You need to know what
they'll come after you with.

They?

There's an outside chance
it could be the North Koreans.

But mostly it's Putin's people.

They've never forgiven me for
stealing one of their submarines.

Submarine?

We needed to know
the exact dimensions

of a certain valve
in a thermo coupling.

And I couldn't remember
if it was the green one or the red,

so I had to take the whole submarine.

How long's he going to be in there?

He's taking a risk
going in there at all.

Miss Davenport thinks
he's "available".

But he loves only
Olga the Beautiful Spy.

Miss Davenport doesn't know that.

He tells everybody else.

I bet Olga was ugly.

I bet she looked like
one of their hammer throwers.

You don't like lady hammer thrower?

My wife looks like hammer thrower.

I'm sorry to hear that.

How do you think I feel?

Whoa! Where's the fire, Morton?

I'm getting this repaired for Toby.

I think it's very generous

the way Toby lets you
do all his boring jobs.

No, I think it's nice to be needed.

You were a much nicer person than
that when you were somebody else.

I wasn't somebody else.

You used to be Hermann Teasdale.

That's still me.

I changed my name that's all.

Who did your wife leave...
you or Hermann Teasdale?

She left Hermann Teasdale.

I wasn't Morton Beamish then.

No wife would leave Morton Beamish.
You should remarry.

I'll never get married again.

I don't trust women any more. OK.

Morton Beamish doesn't trust women.

Why don't you remarry
as Hermann Teasdale?

He trusted women.

And look what happened to him.

His wife left him.

I'm not having any woman leave me.

But that was you.

Not this me.

I told you. You're somebody else.

Thank you for
the attempt, Miss Davenport.

But I didn't think kissing
would stop the twitch.

Worth a try, Mr Hobdyke.

It's a very old remedy.

HE CHUCKLES

It's an old remedy.
Can't argue with that.

What's Morton doing
vacuuming out here?

It's Toby's.
I'm getting it repaired.

Isn't he back with his wife yet?

I thought he was aiming to get back.

Doesn't he miss her?

I've watched him pining sometimes,

when his defences are down.

I've seen a tear. Don't.

I know you think I'm
just a hunter-k*ller but inside,

sometimes it's Mary Baker Cake Mix.

Of course
Toby's tear was for his Jaguar.

But I think he'd like to get
back with his wife, as well.

Then you must help him, Morton.

He does everything
but clean Toby's teeth.

Then we must all help him.

A fellow human being...

in distress... A spirit in torment.
What do you say to that?

I'm busy. Doing what?

Tell him what we're doing.

It's classified.

Sorry, can't talk about it.

Enough! Listen, team,
here's the plan.

Morton, first move...

you go to Toby's wife.

You plead for him.

Come back, Entwistle.

Where are you going?

Not bleeding for anybody.

Plead with a P.

OK.

Sounds better than bleeding.

Play on her heartstrings, Morton.

Tell her how broken Toby is.

You see him all the time. You know
how he suffers. She'll listen to you.

People don't normally listen to me.

Even before she left me,
my wife used to ignore me.

Ignore who? You see!

Glenda, I can't get
the damned thing off.

What are you doing with bleach?

You might well ask.

I go from executive lifestyle
to opening my own bleach.

Correction - not opening.

Men are helpless.

I know. I've got one.

And now there's a neighbour
trying to make it two.

You squeeze here
and here before you unscrew.

What perverted genius!

Ah, good morning, Barry.

You haven't seen Morton have you?

I thought he was with you.
He's always with you.

It must be a lot like being married.

Not entirely, I can assure you.

He needs a good woman.

So do we all.

But first I'd like to
get back with my wife.

I hate it when you get
all sentimental, Toby.

No wonder she left you.
She didn't leave.

I was the one thrown out.

I'm surprised you've lost Morton.

I find him not easy to lose.

I sent him off hours ago
with a defunct vacuum cleaner.

Boys and their toys, Toby.

Life-after-marriage version.

I'm going to find Morton a woman.

Don't start that.
They'll all want one.

I'm feeling for the wheel.

I thought perhaps you might notice
I'm feeling for the wheel.

Find your own wheel, Hobdyke.

Where's my foot now?

Still on end of leg.

Please put it on the wheel.
Somewhere non-slip.

You'll all be lost if I'm
evacuated due to injuries.

Oh, come on down, you Big Mary.

He's very nimble for his age.

What age? Ninety-four.

You'd be careful if you'd
been wounded where they got me.

Where? In the Dardanelles.

The great worry was infection.

I'm not allowed to say more.

There's your target, Morton...

Toby's former home from which
he's been ruthlessly expelled

by the unfortunate circumstance...

Of being caught.

He told me they were
merely good friends.

That was the other one.

And now he's sorry...

a man in pain. Too much exercise...

does it every time.

In there, is the woman who
secretly longs for his return.

Bring them back together, Morton.

Be the vehicle of their happiness.

I think wheel just came off.

What about Toby's vacuum cleaner?

He'll be wondering where I am.

We'll see to that.

You'll be doing Toby
a much greater service here.

I don't know his wife.

I don't know mine.

All these years still learning.

You should have asked my advice.
I'm an expert on women.

Me too.

Just wives are tricky.

All you'll be doing
is putting in a word for Toby.

Could we ask which word?

Be quiet. I like "simultaneous".

Good word. Could he put that in?

Just put on a sad face.

Win her sympathy and then tell
her how much Toby misses her.

Can't sleep. Off his food.

He can eat for England.

Does she need to know
that at this point in time?

Stiffen the sinews,

you've got this man's
future in your hands.

I bet he drops it.

He jests. We all have
confidence in you, Morton.

Selected you for this, didn't I?

From how many applicants?

Approximately none.

Hand-picked you personally.

I can recognize the right man for
the job when I see him. Go, Morton.

Bring these lovebirds together again.

I'm no good with women.

Don't say that.

Only one wife left you.

One woman. It's not a bad average.

Nobody else left you.

Although if you don't get a move on
we'll leave you.

Go, Morton. Do your duty for this
neglected, bereft husband.

The man is bereft.

I can feel these things. I know
what it's like to be abandoned...

unwanted.

Aaaaw.

Pssst!

I believe that "Pssst" is for you.

Come in, you're among friends.

The trouble is when people
see you with someone

they tend to think
you're more than good friends.

If we are,
I can't have been paying attention.

About our bicycle ride
this afternoon.

A problem has arisen, in that
certain people are going for a drive

and I'm not sure which direction.

Did you ask?

You can't be straightforward...
they get suspicious.

Didn't you pick up any clues?

I don't think they even
know where they're going.

In that case you can
pop some idea into their heads.

Casually, of course.

Arouse their interest in
some place worth visiting.

Then you'll know which direction.

Can you do that? I can do that.

You said you could mend my bicycle.

I was wearing shorts.

Where was I going to carry a puncture
outfit?

Is he proficient at
repairing vacuum cleaners?

He used to be Entwistle Electrics.

Washing machines not vacuum cleaners.

Electric motors,
what's the difference?

BANG/CRACKLING ELECTRICITY

OK maybe some difference.

I was thinking of entrusting him
with all my secret hi-tech gear.

What hi-tech?

I've got a key ring that
squawks when you shout at it.

I've got wife does that.

You plug it into the lighter socket,

red indicator comes on and bingo!

Our own little fryer!

For those quiet moments
when the action's over.

Deep-fried therapy

for taught nerves.

I like it.

Does it do chips?

You'll love what it does to chips.

They'll be hot for once.
I like 'em hot.

Have we got any salt?

No sweet chilli?

It's on my wants list.

Meanwhile you'll have
to make do with these.

I miss the old helmet.

You could get a full
tin of beans under that.

Come in, come in. Pull up a...
place to stand in.

Your vacuum cleaner looks familiar.

Yes, we promised Morton
we'd get it back to you.

He's not had an accident, has he?

You can tell me.

Poor devil,

is that all that's left...
the vacuum cleaner?

He's fine.

Better than vacuum cleaner.

Just off performing a little
errand of mercy I sent him on.

You'll be pleased. He's fine.

I mean, for Morton.

Last seen fine, fit and motivated.

Did it myself.

I'm glad to hear it.

He's still got a stack of ironing.

So, where are you two heading, then?

Wherever the fancy takes us.

The freedom of the open road.

I know where I'd be
going if I had a chance.

The antiques fair at Colman's Mill.

That's where I'd be going.
Oh, yes. Like a flash.

You couldn't keep me away.

Not from Colman's Mill.

Do you think he's trying
to tell us something?

No, it's just the freedom
of the open mouth.

Help!

What is it, Morton?

What has Toby got you doing now?

It's not Toby.
It's the former Mrs Toby.

I think I'm in trouble.

Don't you know?

I'm in trouble.

It was Mr Hobdyke's idea.

Yes, that sounds like trouble.

Mr Hobdyke thought
I would be the best witness

to tell Toby's wife how much
he misses her. And he's right.

You've been closest to him.

So have you seen Toby's wife?

Did you tell her? Yes.

Good stuff, Morton -
Little Mender of Marriages.

How did she react?

Well, you know how I've
always wanted a friend?

Well, I think I've found one.

Toby's wife? Yes.

Monica, er... Mrs Mowbray-Smith.

She told me to call her Monica.

So you've found a friend.

I think that's nice.
How close a friend, Morton?

I daren't tell Toby.

As close as that?

So you saw my wife and told her
how much I'm missing her?

I did. I really told her.

I knew he could do it.

Said so at the time.

You said you weren't
good with women.

I must be better than I thought.

Told you. I spotted that.

Looked well hidden to me.

Well, did she buy it? How did it go?

Well, I, er... I couldn't grumble.

As well as could be expected really.

Was she friendly?

I was surprised how friendly.

Good man. When's she having me back?

I'll probably find out
more this afternoon.

She insists on meeting me again.

Well done, Morton.

Not only sees her once, but twice.

I call that thorough.

You've just got to
warm up your lunch

and make sure you turn the oven off

and wash your mucky pots.

How long are you going to be?

Oh, we'll be back mid-afternoon.

It's not Colonel Fawcett's
Expedition up the Amazon.

And what are your plans for today?

Oh, I expect I'll just
potter about the house.

And don't forget the antique's fair
at... Colman's Mill.

It's engraved on my ear.

Happy pottering.

Where has Morton got to?

He knows how
important this is to me.

Relax, Toby.

You're in sympathetic hands.

I know what loneliness is.

Once in Siberia...

was it a dream
or was it memory returning?

With you, probably dream.

Probably tall story returning.

But it's all so vivid, so real.

I was trapped that season
until the ice could melt.

No living soul for two hundred miles.

Just me and this tin of sardines.

In oil or brine?

Fortunately oil.

I was able to use it to prevent
chapped lips. I hate chapped lips.

I hate sardines.

Please don't say that.

They helped me to survive.

Can we forget the fish
and get back to my problem?

Where is Morton?

He'll be here. I expect he's getting
dressed smartly for the occasion.

Quite right too.

I can't have Monica thinking
I mix with the poor and needy.

Ye Gods on roller-skates!

You can't go looking like that.

It might be wiser.

I'm not having you consorting
with my wife in that condition.

Leave it with me.

Do something with his hair.

You're in good hands.
He knows cure for chapped lips.

Are we really going in this?

How novel.

I'll put Morton in the cab.

We need to keep him
looking respectable.

I'll go with him then I
can brief him as we drive.

Maybe I could do all
this by telephone.

No, no. Nothing like face-to-face.

I think your legs are dyslexic.

You're like a sleepwalking giraffe.

I have to favour this leg.

It was once trapped under
a sumo wrestler. I daren't say more.

Not too near. Not too near.

I don't want my wife
to see me in this thing.

The wheel, where's the wheel?
The wheel.

I'm not ready for this.

Of course you're ready.

I've briefed you thoroughly.

You should by now have a grasp
of all the lies that are necessary.

Morton, who chose you for this?

You did. Then trust me.

I'm a judge of men.

You will go into that house

and bring about a magical
change in Toby's prospects.

You don't know the half of it.

How long is the man
going to be in there?

It's a good sign. If she hasn't
sent him packing straightaway.

You think he's making progress?

I do. I really do.

I owe you one for this, Hobdyke.

Please. It's what I'm for.

It's what we do...

my team and I.

That's Monica. Getting the Jag.

My Jag.

Could she be bringing it back to me?

That would be a nice gesture.
I'd like that.

Come on, love, get 'int car.

You see how glad she is he's
brought us back together again?

Did you see that?
The little ingrate!

Whose idea was it to put
my wife in the clutches of that...

that gigolo?

There he goes!

With not only my wife, my Jag.

Hobdyke...

this is your doing, Hobdyke!

How was I to know, eh?
How can he blame me?

You do a person a favour...

She practically kidnapped old Morton.

I mean, I told him to look cuddly,
but not that cuddly!

I'm sorry, this bush is taken.

Oh, my, Mr Hobdyke.
Might one offer you a lift?

I saw them from the road.

A couple sneaking in here.

And your first thought was?

Exactly!

I'll k*ll him.

Listen.

Sorry, wrong number.

I feel so embarrassed.

Well, at least you now know
it's not him behind every bush.

DISTANT GROAN

Listen.

Oh, hold me tight.

How about behind every second bush!

Oh, no, please.
Put your arms around me, please.

Sorry.

I thought it was someone I knew.

Please, it's me. You know me.

I wonder if you could detach me
from Miss Davenport?

I shouldn't be out here
in sn*per country.

I can't get used to finding a bush
with no Howard in it.

Come on.

HE SIGHS

Helping people can be trickier
than people think.

I felt safer in Albania.

The women weren't as dangerous.

The beards were a great help

in keeping down
the emotional temperature.

Where's Toby? Gone golfing.

Where were you going?

Crazy!

Hop in. We'll come with you.

How many sardines? Six.

To last you six months?

I ate five slowly
and kept number six.

So long, in fact,
we formed a relationship.

Now the dilemma, should I eat it,
or keep it for company?