01x03 - New Job

[bunniefuu]

Hey, everyone.

I know this is a bit of a departure

from my usual Senuous

lifestyle content - but I just want

to be real with you guys and talk

about something that's

really close to my heart.

Cancer Awareness Week.

VIDEO CONTINUES ON PHONE: Cos I

think it's so easy to sweat the

small stuff, and just forget

about what's really important.

Hey, everyone.

Um, I know this is

a bit of a departure from my usual

Senuous lifestyle content but, um

I just want to be real with you guys

for a second, and talk

I need my car!

My son has a laser tag party

in Beckenham this weekend.

I don't even know where Beckenham

is without my sat nav.

Are you all right?

My ex stopped paying for the lease.

Apparently having a Tesla

is a luxury.

It's a humble EV, for God's sake.

What do I do now?

You could try getting a job.

I have a job, Mal.

I am the face and brains and body

and hair of Senuous -

a rapidly growing

Instagram start-up.

Well, you could try getting a job

that pays in money, and not these

"wellness supplement shakes" that've

been blocking my hallway all week.

See you later.

What's the matter with you?

Come on!

Yeah, but is it a Neelam, Diego?

It has to be a Neelam.

Ref, VAR!

Well, they've got to be in season

somewhere on the planet.

Go back and ask.

Oh, God, our goalie is shite.

Oh, don't say that, Della.

Her mum's a psycho.

Oh, sh*t, she's looking.

CLEARS THROA

Hey, guys!

Hey.

Everyone looking forward to

Parents' Evening tomorrow?

It's my favourite evening

in the afternoon the whole year.

Yeah. It's kind of like, erm

..Sports Day but for,

er, for boffins.

Oi, Coach! What are we doing?

Right, guys, erm

Anyone else want to

try goalkeeping?

Hi! Sorry we're late.

The cab driver refused to

drive across the grass.

And your card was declined.

Anyway, Della, I can thank you

in person for the stiffie.

I was going to RSVP by post

but now I can say it.

It's a yes from me.

Great.

What's this?

Oh, we're having a soft

launch for Double Shin. Ah!

So we're having a rehearsal lunch

to iron out any of the glitches.

So you're inviting friends

and family?

Yeah, I'd have invited you, Amanda,

but I thought you were busy.

Yeah, thanks, Della.

Yeah, no, I am actually.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Well, you thought right.

Because I am insanely busy

right now.

Yeah, no, I'm in talks

about a possible Senuous co-lab.

What's a co-lab?

It means collaboration.

I always thought that co-lab

sounded like co-labia.

No, it doesn't, Anne.

I was on Link-ed-din in for like,

a second, and this big-shot

interiors firm just begged me

for a meet at their flagship store.

Yeah, I guess it just shows what

a thirst trap my brand is.

God, I'd hate to work for a brand.

Too much hassle.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, hold on, hold on.

Hello? Is it a Neelam?

No, Neelam.

Why do you keep saying Neelam?

It's getting quite annoying.

It's a kind of mango.

Jog on.

Rude.

Well, Amanda,

this is an impressive CV,

but I'm not seeing any retail

experience here.

Yes, just there. Hygge Tygge.

Oh.

I just assumed that was a typo.

No.

That was my

lifestyle store in Chiswick.

Our Insta page actually got

a like from Amanda Holden.

Well, your references look great.

Thank you.

I'm actually quite a humble person,

so writing about myself like that

was a real challenge.

But, as it says in paragraph

five, I embrace challenge.

You wrote your own references?

I've been my own boss

for 15 years.

Which is one of the reasons

why this co-lab is, yeah

You keep using that word, "co-lab",

but what does that mean?

Great question, Daniel, thank you.

Um, what does the word

co-lab mean to me?

I guess I'm looking for a symbiotic

relationship where

I draw on my skills as a

social media entrepreneur

to complement your

..age-old knowledge of kitchens.

And bathrooms.

I started in bathrooms.

Interesting. So you were

..Daniel Kichen's Bathrooms?

Yeah. Then moved into kitchens.

Hence why it's now

Kichen's Bathrooms and Kitchens.

That makes sense.

But a lot of our business

comes from waste disposal units

and boiling water taps now.

Brilliant.

Maybe you could tempt

Amanda Holden into a waste disposal.

Get her up on the wall of fame.

You can make a lot of commission

selling those things. Ah.

You know what, I'm feeling

a lot of synergy in this space.

In the words of

Sir Alan Sugar, "You're hired!"

OK. Yeah.

YOU'RE hired.

Well done.

Hiya.

Hi.

Yeah, they're really playing

the first team here tonight.

Mr Atkins. Ms Patel. Miss Clacy.

Mr Kovacs here on the back two.

Great news, guys.

Senuous is now official

partners with KB&K.

DELLA: What'd she say?

Amanda got her job.

Not a job, Fi. It is a co-lab.

Yeah. No, they basically

bit my hand off to work with me.

The plan is co-lab this year

then go PLC.

Then aim to float myself by 2030.

LOUD BUZZER

What the hell was that, Anne?

It's the timer. You only get

three minutes with each teacher

and they're actually

very strict about it. OK.

Welcome to Squid Games.

It's a dystopian Korean TV show.

I know, Anne.

Loved your approach to expanding

binominals, by the way.

Very nice, yeah.

Sorry, don't mean

to fan girl too much.

It's just, um, I always wanted to

try my hand at teaching myself.

I'm going to give Darius some

additional homework over half term.

It's important he gets a good mark

otherwise he'll have to

repeat the module.

He'll get there - he just needs

a little help with that final 10%.

See? I'm already 80% there.

Jesus.

LOUD BUZZER

Thank you.

"Struggling"?

I just think he might benefit

from you working with him

on his homework over half term.

As you're an accountant.

No, he's the accountant.

I'm a landscape gardener.

He's the biological one.

Ohhh

No, we ain't together.

HE SCOFFS

No!

I mean, I wish!

What?

God, punching a bit above my weight

with this hunk!

I'm just the stepdad.

Yeah, so, I'm more than happy

to tutor Ned over the half term.

No, no, no, it's cool.

I can do this.

Course you can, mate.

Great kid.

Really good grades.

The only thing I would say is that

she should show up to school more.

What did he say?

Morten's nailing it, babe.

Here - it's an invitation

to our restaurant launch.

As an apology from Della for not

being able to make it in person.

Aw, thanks, guys.

Did he just get an invite?

CLEARS THROAT Hm?

I said she's easily distracted.

Well, I think that's the case

for all teenagers, though, right?

What with social media

and hormones and Oh, my God.

Yeah, she does have

a boyfriend now. Oh, my God!

Georgie just needs

to find a little focus,

because it's starting

to affect her schoolwork.

Right. Understood.

I'm wondering if you think, um

BUZZER

I'm sorry, but our session's over.

Yes

The buzzer's gone.

Sorry, just No, "I've started

so I'll finish"?

Next.

Yeah, I know.

That was quite frustrating.

But I think I'm going

to take midterm off.

Do some Anne-rithmatic with Darius.

But, hey, silver linings

because I've always wanted

to be a maths teacher.

Well, I think you'll find you need

a degree to be a teacher.

Oh, yeah, well, I have a PhD

in Chemistry from Imperial, so

Right. Not a degree, though, is it?

Excuse me, young lady.

Where do you think you're going?

To the park with Morten.

No, no, no - you heard Miss Leary.

You need to be studying.

That is what you're

spending your half term doing.

What, because I'm so stupid?

God! I can't believe

you called me stupid!

SHE SIGHS

No judgment from me.

I've got to teach Ned

maths all week.

Sorry, Mal, I don't have time for

this, I've got a co-lab to get to.

Stupid bike.

Um, where's your helmet?

If it's a choice between

brain damage and helmet hair,

I think you know where I stand.

How you getting on, big man?

I don't get it.

Why are these so hard?

All right.

Let's get this done and then

we can go for a Five Guys, yeah?

All right.

4a 3-3a,

2 something 5,

exclamation mark.

This isn't a maths questions,

this is a wifi password.

Right, let's have

a look at the second one.

OK. Plan B.

RINGS BELL

Welcome to Maths Caaaaaaamp!

Thank you so much for doing this,

Anne. You're a life-saver.

The more the merrier. Now come on,

just about to get started.

All right, listen.

Don't tell your mum or JJ, yeah?

HE SIGHS

Mooove!

Christ!

You posh blonde idiot!

Good morning, Amanda.

Daniel!

I was expecting you for nine.

Oh, I was aiming for nine-ish.

You try cycling from So-Ha

to Ea-Wil with a mood board.

Right. Let me put down my thought

collage, and then maybe you could

direct me to the best local

roastery for a decent java.

Let's start with your shirt.

Um, my colour palette

is very much spring-summer

and this is autumn-winter, Daniel.

It is pretty quiet today so do you

want to start with some flyering?

SCOFFING LAUGH

Flyering?

Right, Daniel, flyering's

not in my job description.

Did you read your job description?

No.

Well, it is.

"Pure mathematics is, in its way,

the poetry of logical ideas."

Not my words, guys,

but those of the late great

Albert Einstein.

Here we go, boys.

You know what that is?

That's Euler's Identity.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Einstein was right.

That is poetry.

So, guys

..are we ready to make poetry?

How are you not getting this?!

OK, first you multiply them

by themselves

AND THEN you add them together!

Jesus!

Right.

If we've to do it again,

we'll do it again.

Work out the value of

when P=4 and W=2.

What are you doing? You're supposed

to be at home revising.

Why are you wearing a vest?

It's a camisole.

Don't change the subject.

I'm here to help Morten.

Yeah, Della sent me to go get her

mangos for the restaurant launch

so, you know, she came with me.

Why are you in Willesden anyway?

Queen's Park borders.

I'm meeting some of my team.

I like to get really under

the bonnet when I co-lab.

Anyway, this isn't about me. You

obviously can't be trusted, George.

What are you doing?

I'm calling your grandmother.

She can help supervise you.

Why's that old man waving at you?

Hey!

Oh, men wave at me all the time.

DANIEL: Hello?

It's my burden.

Amanda, can I have a word?

Yes!

Now I'm not going to have a go

at you for taking your top off -

it's a very effective

sales technique -

but I'm not paying you to

stand around on the street gassing.

Do you know who that was?

That was Della Fry's daughter.

What, the chef? Yeah.

What, you know her?

We're close personal friends.

Our daughters are basically

sisters, we're so tight. So

Here, do you think you can you get

Della Fry to endorse

a Sinkliminator?

I mean, she'd look great on my wall.

Err, right

Erm

I don't know if that's something

she'd really go for, Daniel.

Surely she'd do it for

a close personal friend?

Yeah. I mean yes, yeah.

No, I will, I

That's something I will definitely

mention to her, for sure.

DOORBELL

Quick, let me in,

it smells of buses.

I hear you're under house arrest.

So stupid.

What's this?

Selling Sunset. It's about

Californian Estate Agents.

Oh, fantastic.

You'd probably learn more from them

than anything in a boring book,

y'know?

FELICITY CHUCKLES

Hey, Anne. How's it going?

Great, yeah, yeah.

SO fun.

I think we're really getting

somewhere, y'know?

There he is!

Hey, slip me some skin.

Yeah. Going for gold.

All right! So

..same time tomorrow?

Yep.

Oh, for God's sakes!

What are you doing?!

Oh, darling,

I didn't expect you back so soon

Not cool, Mummy. I asked you

to do one thing.

This may be an alien concept to you

but my daughter needs to be

studying.

Not looking like a contoured badger.

You're going to Anne's tomorrow.

Why?!

Gan Gan said you got three

GCSEs and you're doing great.

6, 15, 24, 33

Hey!

Eyes on me, yeah?

So the interval here is 9, but

we're not starting with 9, are we?

So we would express this sequence

as 9n-?

N?

No.

We've been through this.

It's 9n minus what

..is 6?

OK, it's 3! All right, OK?

Clearly it's 3.

The answer they're

looking for is 3.

So the answer you need to

write down, right now, is 3!

It's the nine times tables, less

three! GOD!

Doesn't that feel good?

Actually answering a fecking

question?

Enough is enough.

Question 28.

N=76.

Question 29

What was 28 again?

Keep up!

I just want to finish this homework.

Question 30.

Four to the power of nine. Done.

Do not tell your teacher

I gave you the answers.

Let us never speak of this again.

There is literally nothing

this thing can't obliterate.

And just so you know,

the chef Della Fry?

We're talking to her about

fitting one. OK, thanks.

PHONE BUZZES

Oh.

Fi.

Hi, babe.

Bit short notice, but do you

fancy a lunch at Double Shin?

It's our soft launch today

and there's a bloody tube strike,

so we just need bums on seats.

Oh, well, I'm very touched that

Della asked for me personally.

Oh, er, just out of interest, Fi,

and obviously I can totally

afford it but, er, is it free?

Yeah, yeah. Course.

Oh, great. Erm, OK.

Err, yeah, well, I will call you

back in two minutes.

No problem.

OK.

Oh, Daniel.

Daniel. Hi. Is it all right if I pop

out for the afternoon? I've

Sorry, you've got to man the shop.

Oh, well, I've got this

incredible opportunity

Yeah, look, I'm in St Albans

all afternoon

quoting on a nursing home refurb.

OK, I

Hey, Amanda.

Not happening. I got to go.

Hello.

Fi! Hi.

Err, it's a yes from me.

Hi, Della. Hi!

What are you sniggering at?

Have you seen this logo?

Darling, that definitely

says Double sh*t.

Thanks for coming

to our Double Shindigs.

Yeah. Um, who designed the logo?

Oh, me.

I did a graphics course recently.

Della really loves it.

Hmm.

I'm so sorry I'm late, guys.

Anyway, what's got two thumbs

and deliberately didn't have

any breakfast? This guy!

I'm only here for the free drinks.

Fair enough.

How was Maths Camp last week?

Oh, so fun.

So much fun.

Tough, mind.

But fun. Difficult.

Yeah, rewarding, you know?

But tough.

CLEARS THROA

PHONE BUZZES

Daniel. Do you want to tell me

why the shop's shut?

Yes. OK I can explain.

I don't want to hear it, Amanda.

Look, I don't think you

should bother coming back.

No, Daniel. Wait, listen

OK, listen The thing

OK, the thing is,

Della Fry called me

and I think we're in a really good

position to get her to

endorse the Sinkliminator, and so

I made an executive decision

You're not an executive.

You're my employee.

We're splitting hairs here, Daniel.

My point is, I think

she's going to do it.

And so I popped out

to seal the deal.

OK.

Fine, but

I've actually got to go right now

because we are kind of mid pow-wow,

but I will see you tomorrow, OK?

Bye. Bye-bye-bye!

Amanda

Yes, Chef!

I need more mint, Hector.

Yes, Chef.

Hey, gurl. Amazing launch.

I loved those mushroomy

starter things.

They were baby rabbits.

Yum.

So

Imma ask you straight -

big shot to big shot.

You know how I'm doing this co-lab

with this amazing boutique

kitchen company?

Are you trying to sell me something?

No, no! God, no.

I don't work in sales.

No, it's more of an

endorsement deal

Stop. No.

..for this funky little gadget

we have - it's amazing

I do not do endorsements.

It will cut through

I am not a sell-out.

..anything.

Not like Jamie "Sainsbury's" Oliver.

Obviously.

But I don't think putting your name

to a genuinely life-changing

device that saves not just time

but also landfill

30 seconds to service, Chef!

Thank you, Ruben.

..and I really think this is

a very special product

and couldn't possibly be

described as selling out

Stop talking. I got to go.

Can I get somebody

on the pass, please?

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

Thank you. Thanks, all.

Well done on being the best-fed

free-loaders in Kilburn.

Welcome to Double Shin.

My new baby. The ethos behind

this restaurant

Listen, I just wanted to say big

props on the whole maths thing.

Yeah?

Y'know, I read through his revision

worksheets and they are great.

I just feel really bad that

Of course you're great at maths.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Because this is the

signature dish of Double Shin.

And excuse me

for being a soppy goose,

but this is a tribute

to my incredible wife Fi. Aww!

I couldn't do any of this

without her support.

Yeah, so this, this is

Neelam mango sorbet.

Which is Fi's favourite fruit.

And as tomorrow is our

wedding anniversary,

I thought I'd propose a toast.

To Double Shin and my amazing Fiona.

ALL: Double Shin.

All right, all right,

eat, eat, eat!

God, I love anniversaries.

Our next biggie will be, um, pearl.

But I can't imagine Chris giving me

a pearl necklace.

Well, now we all can.

QUIETLY: Shiiiiiit.

Are you all right, Amanda?

Yeah! Hey, no, I'm fine!

Are you all right?

I totally forgot it was

our anniversary tomorrow.

And I've not even got her a card.

I think I can get her a box

of West Country cheeses

delivered by tomorrow.

Or I could get her some craft ales?

Oh, I think we can do better

than that, Fi.

But I will need a little favour.

Mmm.

Are you ready for your present?

Ready!

Thanks, babes. Aw.

CAMERA CLICKS

Oh.

Do you like it?

Do you have the receipt?

Yeah. I don't know what this is.

PHONE CHIMES

SHE GASPS

PHONE BUZZES

"We have reason to believe

"some children caught

copying each other's

"Please come for a

meeting at 12"

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t!

sh*t! sh*t!

TOILET FLUSHES

Amanda?

Mummy, hi, yeah.

I just got a message from the school

about a meeting at midday.

Yeah, and I can't leave my co-lab.

I thought you were your own boss.

Yeah, no, I am my own boss,

but I've got a really important

meet with, um, a big hotel

and OK. Please, Mummy. Go to

Georgie's school for 12 o'clock.

Oh, do I have to? Yes, bye.

Really?

DANIEL CLEARS THROA

For the umpteenth time, can you

not use your phone on the floor?

It was a family emergency, Daniel.

Well, you've obviously got

time on your hands,

so can you shift that grout?

All right.

Oh, dammit!

Oh, God!

Oh, hello, Amanda.

I didn't know you worked here.

I don't work here.

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

Of course I don't work here.

No, um, no.

Just browsing around myself.

You're wearing a uniform.

Yes.

No, I can see why you

would think I worked here.

But I don't.

I don't work here.

I co-lab, but I'm mainly

in the head office in, um

..Mayfair.

DANIEL: Amanda!

You shifted that grout yet?!

Fine, yes, I work here, Della, yes.

So I'm just doing this

till Senuous takes off.

You don't have to tell me

how hard it is to launch something.

You're skint.

Hm.

You're desperate

Well, I wouldn't say I'm desperate.

Your car's been repossessed,

your ex is a c*ck,

and he's dumped you

in it financially

We actually have a really

incredible relationship for exes

Yeah, well, what I'm trying to say

is that I think that what you're

doing is pretty impressive.

Thank you.

The f*ck is that?!

So, I'm just saying that, erm,

coincidences do happen.

But all three of them got

exactly the same answers wrong.

I can explain.

I think that my knowledge

..of maths got the better of me.

And I may have helped

Ned a bit too much.

No, don't beat yourself up, mate

No, no, no, no.

I can't let you do this.

You can.

It wasn't Mal.

He had nothing to do with it.

It was me.

I'm the cheat! I'm the liar.

What's going on?

I thought teaching

maths would be easy.

But it is so hard.

Amen to that, sister.

I just started filling out

a few answers, y'know?

And then one thing led to another

and I don't know what happened.

Just

Before I knew it,

I was filling in the whole thing

Oh, God.

I don't see what all

the fuss is about.

They're all going to be fine.

It's just a stupid maths test.

That's not helpful, Mrs Sanderson.

That's not helping.

Hey, JJ.

I'm sorry.

I just

I think, if I'm not doing

the day-to-day tricky stuff

with Ned then what am I?

I'm just a guy that takes him to

the zoo and hands out 20s.

I feel like a weekend dad,

and weekend dads are shite.

Come off it.

I'm just "the stepdad".

The lamest of all the dads.

I'm like a bad cover version of you.

I'm like the Westlife version

of Uptown Girl to your original

Billy Joel.

No!

You're Beyonce's

version of Blackbird.

That is a banger.

Do you want me to

take over the maths homework?

f*ck, yes, please.

Thank you so much.

Well, that's not real.

How was the meeting at school?

Oh, Georgie got

a detention for copying.

I mean, pfff.

Honestly, the fuss they made.

What do you mean, "pffff"?

Don't pff that, Mummy.

This is important.

What's got your knickers

in a twist now?

I have just been sacked from

a job selling waste disposal units

in a burgundy airtex.

Oh, my God, that's awful.

Why on earth are you doing that?

Why? Why!

Because I am not qualified to

do anything better, Mummy!

I've only got three GCSEs.

Oh, I suppose that's my fault?

Yes. It is your fault. Because the

only things you ever made me work on

were a k*ller backhand

and toning my legs.

Being good at tennis

is an excellent life skill.

I'm not arguing that,

but I want more for Georgie.

I don't want my daughter

to fail her exams

because no-one could be

bothered to help her.

Where did she go?

See, nothing to worry about.

I was a single mother too, you know.

Well, your father went

skiing a lot.

Fine, maybe I could've been

a smidge more hands on.

I'm sure you can find a way

to make it up to me, Mummy.

Yeah.

I've come to get my mood board back.

And my co-lab.

Why would I give you your job back?

Cos I'm damn good at it.

And I'll be even better, Daniel,

if you'll just let me fly.

I need a sales assistant, Amanda,

not a seagull.

And also because I am bringing

you a big new client.

Who's Felicity Sanderson?

It's Mummy.

And she wants a

complete new kitchen.

Including a fizzy water tap.

Why are you making it so hard?

It's obviously an irrational number.

That's the whole point

of the exercise

You know what, forget it.

Forget it.

What's Anne's number?

Let's give her a call. What?!